


Flames, Fire and Life

by HedaQueenslayer



Series: Rewriting History [3]
Category: Elyza Lex (Fanverse), Lexark - Fandom, The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan, clexa - Fandom
Genre: Blood, CLEXA LIVES, Clexa Endgame, F/F, F/M, FUCK YOU JASON, Fate, Femslash, Fighting, Fluff, Fluffy Bunnies, Heda Kom Faete, Heda Kom Jus, I'm in gay hell, Love, Past Lives, Smut, Soulmates, Surprisingly cohesive as shit, Violence, eternal gays - Freeform, hedaqueenslayer, lexark, lionheart, not a series it's a saga, queenslayer, this got out of hand, what a trashterpiece, why is this so large
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-05-31 21:51:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 69
Words: 262,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6488827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HedaQueenslayer/pseuds/HedaQueenslayer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bro. You’ll have to read (at least) part ii (Rewriting History) before even cracking this bitch open…</p><p>This is Pretty Gay™</p><p>Summary:<br/>Striving for peace within the clans on the verge of civil war once more. New energy has been released, new threats have been introduced and they will fuck up a guy named Jayson. The women will fight for peace and the hopes of a better future. The coalition lies on flimsy footing and only Wanheda and Heda can save the world because I said so. (They’re also gonna get married like the little fluffy bunny gay soulmates they are.)</p><p>As always, BECAUSE FUCK YOU JASON™</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How about we slow things down a bit?

Those who believe fate is simply destiny because they cannot change it are wrong.

Dead wrong.

Clarke Griffin knows first hand how to play a role in fate. All too well.

She knows that the future is fluid and changes with each decision that is made. The future is not written in stone, at least not where she is concerned. She now knows her decisions effect things greatly. They play a huge role in what’s to come.

She has witnessed it.

She has survived it.

She has made fate work in her favour.

She knows she was Heda Kom Faete in past life, she understands as a reincarnate, that she is the commander of fate again. She holds some control over what will come to pass. The most daunting thing about it is that her decisions play such a huge role.

There are elements of fate that she cannot control, pre-destined ones such as being an only child, or a reincarnate.

In Clarke’s eyes, she was predestined to love Lexa like her life depended on it. And in a way she was right on both accounts there.

Clarke’s past lives had taught her much, most importantly: _That she matters. That Lexa matters_. _They matter_.

But they also taught her that fate is fickle.

For Clarke, it relies on three things.  
1\. Reincarnation (something she can’t control)  
Firstly, lets be reasonable. She had no choice but to be Claire (Heda Kom Faete), Wanheda, or Liza the warrior. Their spirits are entwined with hers throughout time and space, always ebbing and flowing as the world changes and evolves. If anyone chose Clarke for this it was them.

2\. Your efforts and decisions as soon as your feet touch the ground (something she knows all too well how she can control)  
Well fuck. Her decisions and efforts affect fate because she doesn’t only apply this to the first day she landed on Earth. She applies this every single day her feet hit the ground from her bed. She makes decisions and accepts their consequences good or bad. Every. Single. Damn. Day. She always has.

3\. Your influences (something that she both can and cannot control)  
Clarke Griffin’s influences that help guide her to making decisions is almost endless. Aside from her spirit friends inside she has a fucking incredible support system. She has loyal and loving friends. She has people that adore her. She has a slightly over-mothering mother. She has her father’s memory. She has her conscience. She has her soulmate. She has her lionheart.

Her actions, her influences, her past lives from day one had led her here.

Led her to acceptance.

Clarke Griffin is self-aware.

 _Highly_ self-aware - probably more so than any multi-doctorate genius and even Raven Reyes.

It’s a damn good thing too because she is low key freaking out about her and Lexa’s ‘new energies’ (she really hates the word superpower and has requested Octavia to stop using it.)

Lexa doesn’t show it but she is too. Clarke can tell, she can feel her more so than ever (something she never thought possible). In the last week she has literally felt as one with Lexa and not because she can read her like a book. It’s the lifeblood they now share. Clarke can feel the different energy inside her. She’s aware of it, it’s constantly simmering inside her like a soft purr. The first night she slept clutching to Lexa as her mind was filled with dancing flames. Lexa had spent that night clutching right back with images of Clarke wrapped in a soft blue, green and red glow. Protected. Safe. Happy.

“So,” Clarke was saying while setting her charcoal down and looking at Lexa across from her. “You think your ‘energy’ comes from a place of protection. Wanting to keep me safe?”

“Clarke, you don’t need to air quote the word _energy_ anymore.” Lexa smirked,  “But yes, it seems to make the most sense.”

Catching her swooning heart once more Clarke replied, “So where do you think mine come from? I mean flames don’t really mean life do they? How does ‘she holds flame, fire and life’ round out?”

Lexa paused sharpening her blade as she thought about it. It had been troubling her too. “In our culture flames do signify life. We burn bodies of the fallen on pyres so their spirits can be reborn again…”

Clarke huffed but nodded. When Lexa eyed her knowingly she spoke, “Fire is destruction. Flames burn and destroy lives, the ground, the things in it’s path. Is that who I am? Destroyer of worlds?” She looked down at her sketchbook seeing the black, grey and white flame she had created.

“Flames produce light,” Lexa countered. “They light the darkness. To many it signifies life, power, and hope. I happen to find flame’s light comforting.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and grinned, “Nice line Commander.” She fucking missed her and her millions of candles and her terrible pick up lines.

“That wasn’t a ‘line’ Clarke. I’m serious. Even as a child I was a fire bug, poking prodding, stoking it to rage higher.” She shrugged, “Candles are my thing though.”

“Oh I know, trust me.”

Lexa laughed and Clarke fucking died and shook God’s hand before coming back to the moment. Lexa smiled at her when Clarke beamed widely at the sound.

Clarke was radiant. She was still healing, but her cuts were scarring, they were already shrinking. Her arm was on the mend, still sore, but out of the splint making Clarke supremely happy that she could draw with it again. She was in a heavy long sleeved grey sweater that cut nicely to expose her ‘good earth cleavage’ as Octavia put it. Lexa’s eyes got stuck on the pale valley for a moment and she absentmindedly licked her lips.

“My eyes are up here Lex.”

Lexa blushed and Clarke smiled and laughed at her. Lexa cleared her throat and tried to recover, “So my energy comes from a place of love and protection. I believe yours does too Clarke. I just think, maybe, Wanheda makes you a little more-”

“Scary? Terrifying? Deadly?”

“Formidable,” Lexa cut her off right back.

Clarke rolled her eyes, “If you say so.”

“I do.”

“You would.”

“I did.”

“Do you always need the last word?” Clarke asked picking up her charcoal again.

Lexa smiled and stood up replacing her dagger into its sheath on her thigh. She pulled her coat's hood up and went to leave the tent, “Only when the situation presents itself. Otherwise you always seem to have it.” She swept out of the tent with the last word to hear a laughing Clarke behind her.

She never thought she would hear it again. Sometimes, this past week, she had caught herself more than once consciously trying to make Clarke’s laughter sing for her. She even used some of Raven’s phrases like calling Bellamy a puppy or telling Octavia she was being really salty when she beat her in a training session. She did not find it in herself to care much. Any sort of smile, giggle, or hum from Clarke was worth any effort.

Things had calmed down this last week. There had been no conflicts and no news on the rebelling clans. They continued to watch them but were grateful for the slow down. They knew as well that word of Clarke's trial was spreading but none seemed to know she had lived outside TriKru and SkaiKru.

Lexa was out speaking with Ryder and Indra about their plans to head to Polis. Lexa wished for a brief excursion on their way but they had all thought better of it. The winter festival was coming soon in celebration of the first lasting snow and they would need to attend. She was holding off on leaving until Clarke was more healed, anything could happen on their journey. Wanheda would be reintroduced to the grounder clans at the festival, her fate from the trial revealed finally.

* * *

 

Lexa made her way into the mechanic’s bay to find Raven.

“Hey Lex, how’s my whittle commander doin’ today?” The mechanic greeted her with a grin and a slight baby voice.

“You’re lucky we’re in private Raven, otherwise I’d have to-”

“Kill me, I know. Haven’t we been there before?” She cocked her eyebrow and Lexa smiled. She was glad they could joke about Raven being tied to the blood tree and being falsely accused of trying to poison Lexa. _They could joke about that right?_ “Easy there, don’t think too hard you’ll damage that gorgeous face of yours.”

“Sometime’s I wonder why I seek to spend time with you,” Lexa said sitting down with a smile.

“Because I am fan-fucking-tastic. Fight me on that?”

“Never.”

“That’s right,” the raven haired woman smirked returning to her tools. “How’s my whittle Wanheda doin?” she said in her baby voice again.

Lexa sighed and rubbed the back of her neck, “She’s conflicted. Tired still obviously but seems to be in good spirits.”

“Surviving a bloody battle can do that to a girl. Conflicted about…”

Lexa sighed, “Many things. Nothing. Everything.”

Raven chuckled softly, “Yeah. Clarke being Clarke.”

“I want to take her mind off things. I want her to experience the snow without the worry of death on her shoulders.”

“She commands death or need I remind you?”

Lexa rolled her eyes and tossed a small metal object at the brunette, “You know what I mean dingus.”

Raven balked at her for a second before she snorted and cackled with her head thrown back, “Did you learn that word from Octavia?”

Lexa nodded, confused. She furrowed her brow at her friend’s reaction. Then it clicked, “Is that not _appropriate?”_

Raven laughed crazily again like this was the best thing ever. “It’s appropriate for a seven year old maybe?” She laughed again, “I think she was playing you a bit Lexa. I think she just wanted to hear big bad Heda, leader of the free world saying ‘dingus’.”

“Well she’ll be mad she won’t get to see that day because I’m going to kill her,” Lexa said crossing her arms grumpily.

Raven laughed again and muttered about how fucking good that was and why she hadn’t thought of it. Lexa then heard her mutter about how if she were wearing her war paint she’d resemble an angry raccoon.

“Bitch.”

Raven laughed again at a smirking Lexa, “Now that’s _much_ more fitting for the commander to use. And applies wonderfully to all women in some way. We all need to own it, wear it like body armour.”

Lexa laughed agreeing and fiddled with another piece of metal, “I need your help with Clarke’s gifts for our bonding ceremony.”

 _“Bondage_ ceremony?”

“BONDING.”

“I heard you the first time, but trust me, one of these days I’ll make you slip there!” The mechanic put down the items in her hand. “So what were you thinking of giving her?”

Lexa filled her in on her ideas, Raven agreed to all of them. She even requested to put her own spin on one of them. Lexa agreed because she felt it would mean something to both leaders. It would honour Lexa if she were being truthful.

“Raven, one more thing..,” Lexa said quietly standing up and going to place herself in front of the mechanic. She held her arm out and Raven clasped her forearm with a bemused smirk at the grounder handshake. Lexa swallowed, “As my friend…my _good_ friend, I was wondering if you would take part in the ceremony.”

Raven’s jaw dropped. Lexa took it as a victory shocking the woman.

“It is customary for the two to have a close relative or advisor assist during the gift giving…as well as standing witness.”

“Kind of like a best man?”

Lexa furrowed her brow, “You’re a woman.”

Raven shook her head and chuckled. Then she gave Lexa the most heartfelt smile that touched her eyes, “I would be honoured Lexa. Truly. Jokes and everything aside.”

Lexa beamed at her. She new Clarke had already asked Octavia as both her second and her friend. “Thank you Raven.”

“No problem Bestie.”

“Bestie?”

“Yeah, I’m not your _good_ friend. We’re _best_ friends. Besties. Sisters from other misters. Bros. Build a bridge, get over it.”

“You confuse me to no end.”

Raven nodded triumphantly, “Besties always do.”

She leaned in from their handshake and kissed raven on the cheek pulling her close and wrapping her other hand around her back.

“We call this a ‘Bestie bro hug’,” Raven murmured on her shoulder.

_Best friends._

Not so long ago Lexa didn’t even have _friends._

And here she was hugging Raven Reyes, Mechanic genius extraordinaire, and Lexa’s best friend slash _bro…apparently._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *shrugs*
> 
> Here we go again


	2. Palpable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How about I give you both.

 

Clarke yawned and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. The blonde immediately felt the protective energy of Lexa surrounding her, when her eyes were finally open she even saw the light glow and sheen of it as the brunette slept soundly. Her heart roared in satisfaction; even in sleep, Lexa watched over her, keeping her safe. She smiled and shimmied closer to the brunette beside her. She wrapped her arm around her waist and gently slid her leg to entwine it with Lexa’s. She felt her sigh as Clarke’s bare chest went flush with Lexa’s back. “I will never get tired of this,” Lexa said through a sleepy voice.

 

Clarke beamed into the back of her soft brown hair. “Good. You better not,” She murmured playfully threatening as she moved her right arm to squeeze the sensitive area on Lexa’s ribs. Lexa, the big bad Commander of the coalition, was wickedly ticklish. The brunette giggled and twitched for the blonde’s hand. Clarke’s heart thundered like a pauna in her chest at the sound.

 

A week ago she thought she would never hear it again, let alone be able to cause it.

 

A week ago she thought she would be dead.

 

A week ago she should have been.

 

A week ago Lexa should have been left once more with a broken heart and destroyed dreams. Clarke should be in death’s sleep watching over her from the other side…or wherever the hell she will be reincarnated next.

 

But Lexa was right here and Clarke’s loving embrace encircled her as she was giggling like the teenager she never got to be.

 

They both sunk into the moment and the world faded away. They swam in contentment.

 

Nothing existed outside the tent in that moment; it was just Clarke, Lexa, the flames and their love. The only sound Clarke could hear was the wonderful noises escaping the brunette’s plump lips and toothy grins.

 

Lexa rolled easily to face Clarke and began an assault of her own, only this time it was lips on bare skin. Kisses lacing the healing, shrinking scars. Lexa made sure to hit each one; she did this almost every day, as if her lips could erase Clarke’s pain.

 

_And maybe they could._

 

The heat between them was palpable. When Lexa slid her fingertips delicately along Clarke’s thigh and onto her side the blonde gave a warm sigh at the contact. They smiled through tired half closed eyes and their lips met like a magnetic force was pulling them together. Unrelenting.

 

Clarke pulled Lexa closer, gently maneuvering herself so she was now half on top of Lexa. Her hand drifted onto her neck tingling and trembling as it went. She breathed in deep absorbing everything Lexa offered. Which was _everything_.

 

Each touch the brunette had given her in the last week had been… _more._

More gentle. Softer. More loving. Electric. More captivating.

 

Each kiss may not have physically healed her body, but they did heal her on the inside. They soothed her restless and overwhelmed mind. They lovingly burned away at her survivor’s guilt. They grounded her, and brought her back to _living_.

 

A week ago, her trial, that was just surviving. Who they are and who they need to be to survive are different things. She understands it whole-heartedly. But it’s deeper than that. Clarke is and is not Wanheda, Claire and Liza. She is first and foremost Clarke Griffin and when she’s with Lexa, being held, touched, kissed and loved she remembers that very fact.

 

Lexa and Clarke’s ties have extended beyond what they ever imagined. Joining their blood, sharing a lifeforce like their predecessors Alex and Claire in the same life and death situation created something. It broke the laws of the ground, defied logic and operated far beyond what used to be reality. It was more than just written off as a _close_ connection or bond: They were _entwined_ in so many ways now that Clarke was losing count.

 

The energy between the two was at a constant purr within them both since Clarke’s body accepted the blood. Clarke could always sense Lexa’s protective aura, always ready, yet neither of the two knew exactly how to call upon it. Same with Clarke’s ability, she could feel the flames inside her but couldn’t bring them out consciously. And when they were focused on connecting (however that may be) it coursed within them both.

 

Clarke’s flames craved Lexa’s oxygen.

 

And they would not be denied.

 

Not if either of them had anything to say about.

 

(And they fucking do.)

 

Clarke licked Lexa’s bottom lip slightly for entrance, which was instantly granted. Their tongues danced and fought for dominance before ultimately Clarke won. Lexa will say that she cheated because as soon as Clarke’s hand ‘slipped’ to graze the brunette’s ever-slickening folds Lexa had gasped breaking the kiss. At which point Clarke instantly inhaled it and went back for more pulling Lexa on top of her. “I _need_ you,” her husky rasp made Lexa’s toes curl and increase the dampness of her core.

 

“Power Bottom Clarke strikes again,” Lexa murmured in a smiley kiss grinding her hips into Clarke from her new position.

 

Clarke pulled back and feigned shock eyeing the blow pupils before her, “Which one of them taught you that phrasing?” She nipped her neck to chastise the brunette while smiling and internally cursing her friends.

 

Lexa laughed which turned into a whimper when Clarke nipped harder waiting for an answer.

 

“Ah! Both they both agreed on it! Mercy!”

 

Clarke leaned up to capture those luscious lips again and squeezed Lexa’s ass and side. _Fuck_ , she just loves her so much.

 

She let her hand slide purposefully now against Lexa’s thighs and slickness, never coming quite close enough to coat a finger. She latched her mouth to Lexa’s neck and peppered it with sweet chaste kisses. She nipped and licked her small markings. Some would last a day or two, just long enough for Clarke to recreate them later. Lexa moved, slightly pressing her body more firmly onto Clarke. She slid her knee between the blonde’s who rolled her hips with purpose providing them both with light friction they were building to need more of. She heard a soft moan escape Lexa and quickly reached for the petite perfect breasts and kneaded them gently. She loved them, they were smaller than her own, but fit perfectly in her hands as if they were made for her.

 

And maybe they were.

 

She hungrily licked and kissed her way across Lexa’s bare skin, she nipped at her striking collarbones and gently kissed below them. Then she launched her real attack. She immediately scooped a taught nipple in her mouth nipping then soothing it with her tongue. At the same time Clarke’s hand between Lexa’s leg found its mark again. Clarke slipped her finger between the soaking folds and circled her clit. Lexa or Clarke moaned when it happened but they couldn’t tell you which one exactly.

 

All that was registered was the movements of Clarke’s mouth and hands. Lexa bucked into her hand and whimpered as it made more contact. Clarke switched to the other nipple and moved her hand lower. She flicked her eyes to Lexa’s face when she lowered her hand and pushed one finger in the woman’s core. The brunette’s breath hitched and Clarke felt her strong hands pulling her closer. She needed more.

 

Clarke smirked and continued working her mouth and hands.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa gasped as her pleasure was slowly building. It had been a while since they had gotten intimate, Clarke had been heeling, though that didn’t stop her from trying. Lexa was being protective trying to fend off Clarke’s advances until she was a hundred percent. But that was before she woke up from a particularly vivid dream about Clarke and found the blonde wrapped around her.

 

As Lexa felt Clarke pushing a second finger inside her she knew she was getting closer. Clarke knew just how to push her buttons (so to speak) and she had to hurry if she wanted the dream to come to fruition. “Clarke,” Lexa called in a husky rasp gently tugging at Clarke’s head to bring her back to her mouth. The blonde complied instantly and their lips met as Clarke’s hand picked up it’s thrusting. The Brunette moved to tease one of Clarke’s nipples. She pinched and rolled it in her fingertips and she felt Clarke bucking against her and whimpering right along with Lexa.

 

Lexa quickly moved her hand lower and shuddered in pleasure as she felt how wet Clarke was for her. “Lex,” the blonde breathed in a pleasurable sigh against her lips. Lexa smiled into the kiss and teased Clarke’s clit every so gently. The blonde practically growled and pushed her hips down demandingly, “Stop teasing me. It’s been over a week Lex.” She almost swallowed Lexa’s mouth in the next passionate kiss, “I _need_ you. Now. Beja.”

 

And Lexa _always_ tries to do what Clarke asks.

 

So she quickly stopped her teasing, gasped when Clarke’s fingers curled inside her as she entered the blonde with two fingers of her own. “Clarke. Not yet, together.” Lexa was pleading and squirming beneath her as she now felt her orgasm a whisper away (which, only made Clarke more determined.)

 

The blonde pulled back and smirked at her without missing a thrust of her hand. Her pupils were blown with lust and want and need, “Oh, _we_ can do both.” She leaned back down to Lexa’s mouth as she thrust harder into the girl before Lexa could even get close to matching her pace.

 

“ _Fuck_! Clarke!” Lexa’s strangled hoarse whine ripped through Clarke’s ears like a song she’d never tire of as Lexa peaked for her.

 

She did not relent on Lexa as she came crashing down. She helped her through her tremors but kept a steady pace in her hand movements, palm wetly hitting her bundle of nerves.

 

She was completely intent of them doing both.

 

She was grinding faster herself now feeling her own pleasure build as Lexa recovered from her first orgasm. Clarke could tell she was close again, her walls fluttering and clamping in an alternating pattern. Her body was writhing and bucking on top of her and Clarke was craving more. Her eyes were open and locked to Clarke’s baby blues, the gaze was intense, electric. HOT. Enough to make Clarke reach the zone she had felt an ache in for days.

 

Clarke whimpered and moaned as Lexa’s fingers curled hitting her right where she needed the pressure most. Clarke’s hips rolled with purpose making sure Lexa’s palm hit her clit just enough. The brunette trembled with Clarke, eyes still locked, unwavering. They both registered that the energy between them was so strong now Lexa’s protective aura was visible again, encompassing them both in a warm glow. Safe. Clarke moaned when she saw it, the candle and fire’s flames in the tent roared dangerously high. They both threw their heads back in pleasure as the first waves of their orgasms hit. They felt each other shudder and twitch under their ministrations and they continued their motions until they both slowed together and rode out the final tremors.

 

They collapsed, in a heap of pants and light sweat. Their hearts matching rhythms and trying to connect through their chests. Hands in hair, on backs and thighs. Smiles for days.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa purred softly against the pale chest finishing with a soft kiss.

 

“Mmm?” came the response.

 

“What’s a service top?”

 

Clarke was out of bed, pant on, boots on, bare chested and buttoning Lexa’s coat around her. Before the brunette could even ask, she saw the blonde storming towards the exit of the tent shouting a warning.

 

“Raven. Octavia. You better fucking _run_!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy smut? 
> 
> I will take it.


	3. Building Blocks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So if you've read my other stories you know I do action best, and you'll understand that this has been really hard for me to slow down and start laying out the pieces and players again.

When Clarke stormed out of the tent it was to a fit of screams and laughter from her two friends and amused looks from the people she passed. She followed the sounds of laughter to find the two brunette’s wading their way through the snow towards Arkadia.

 

They had heard her warning. And now they saw her.

 

"Haul ass!" Octavia was pushing a leg-braced Raven ahead of her.

 

“Clarke! Whatever we did we’re sorry!” Raven called over her shoulder trying to run in the snow. Trying to play innocent and failing.

 

“So I should expect more of this?” The blonde shouted as she followed them, bringing herself to a run to get closer.

 

“That depends-,” Octavia’s laugh was cut off as Raven’s arm shot out and shoved her into the snow while the mechanic cackled and kept her pace.

 

“Reyes!”

 

“Sorry sweetcheeks,” Raven kept running and looked over her shoulder, “It was your idea to mess with Lexa, you suffer her girlfriend's wrath!” Her laughter ripped through the air and Octavia snorted and called her a natrona (traitor).

 

Octavia scrambled to her feet laughing and wiping the snow from her face trying to run again.

 

But Clarke was close now; she tucked her left arm in to protect the healing limb and tackled the brunette into the snow with a soft thud and laughter.

 

Clarke straddled her back and promptly shoved more white powder into her face, “Service top this O!”

 

A cackle came from underneath her before a wild, laughing scream erupted from Raven. They both looked up to see the brunette kneeling in the snow and rubbing the back of her head, looking behind them.

 

And that is when they realized that Lexa had come out to play.

 

The brunette was smiling wickedly as she walked with feline grace. Her feet was light in the snow barely sinking into the foot of powder. Her gloved hands were folding around a new wad of snow. She smirked and launched a second attack at the mechanic making her dodge the snowball. She moved and went to hand Clarke a pair of gloves, when Clarke had a hold of them she felt Octavia’s legs wrap around her and bring her crashing into the snow.

 

Clarke laughed and shivered against the sensation of the cold snow melting on her face. Octavia was releasing her, rolling and off in a heart beat going to join Raven. Lexa helped Clarke up smiling wide. Her green eyes shimmering and sparking against blue.

 

“Time for me to teach SkaiKru a little something,” she smirked with a twinkle in her eye. Bending and picking up more snow she held it out to Clarke, “Now. We fight!”

 

All hell broke loose in fits of laughter, curse words and fun.

 

Snow balls were launched through the trees and into the opening of the grounds. The four of them dove and dodged the onslaught from each other.

 

“Hey, Dingus!” Lexa called out to Octavia who had tried to dodge Clarke’s snowball. The shock of hearing the lame word she had taught Lexa but never heard her say come out caused her to freeze and turn around.

 

She was met with a snowball to the face.

 

Which was followed by a second from the blonde.

 

It was followed by laughter from all four women.

 

The noise of their play brought a crowd. It wasn’t long before other Kru members joined them. They had a massive war with no sides, no victors, just fun. There was an air of freedom, joy and freshness the SkaiKru had never experienced before. TriKru members joined in with skill and offered their expertise. Children of the sky and the people of the ground mingled freely, as one.

 

It was fun for the sake of fun but on a wider scale. They were sharing this moment, _together_.

 

There was no fear, no worries, and no loss in this moment.

 

The four women who started the snow battle were imparting their lessons on the masses: _life is more than surviving_.

 

Solace can be found even when you’re not looking for it.

 

* * *

 

 

When they went in to clean up, warm up and change Lexa had food brought to the tent. Clarke went to work in her sketchbook and Lexa was getting ready to make her rounds to her people for news.

 

She also had to see Abby.

 

But that needed to wait. Her duty comes first.

 

She checked on her warriors and made her rounds making sure everyone had what they needed.

 

It was then that she found Indra. The woman had not joined in on the snow fight but Lexa had seen her watching from the outskirts. Forever on guard, always dutiful and protecting them all. “I have not seen you do that for some time,” The dark skinned woman said warmly as if recalling the memory.

 

Lexa smiled, “It’s been many years.” She agreed easily as the memory of Anya, Gustus and Costia flooded her mind. They were younger, still leaders but not with the responsibility she and Clarke carry now. She was free, happy, in love and still a subordinate. She was dutiful but not bound to leadership then. A day’s hunt had ended with light jabs and playful words, which led to unbridled fun and freedom.

 

Not long after that Lexa ascended the throne, Costia was taken from her and she gave herself to her people. ‘Love is weakness’ took an unnatural hold on Lexa after that. With its hold, her memories of her loved ones faded away somewhere she cou-would not reach for. They did more harm than good.

 

That memory and many like it that she had carried with her in the deepest recesses of her heart were now joined with fresh ones. _A lot_ of fresh ones. Mostly of Clarke, but she also had simple memories hidden there now that included private moments with Raven, Octavia and even Abby. A make-shift family that had found each other along the way.

 

Love was no longer weakness. Love was a ferocious strength. Unbound by laws and setting it’s own pace. Love made Lexa live again. Opening her heart once more was a second chance to have it all. She may have missed out on the normal childhood but maybe she could make up for it now.

 

And maybe in the next life she will get one. She’ll grow up with a blood family of her own. She will find Clarke there. They will have it all. Start to finish with the only hiccups along the way being nature’s natural course.

 

A long time from now unfortunately, she will learn that her next life will be just as unexpected as this one. Just as scary, just as harsh, and just as desperate. It will be difficult and test her limits, her will and her heart. It will ask her what she wants. She will answer ‘ _to live, to love’,_ like it’s the simplest thing in the world. Clarke Griffin will have made her imprint on every part of Lexa. Her lessons to feel, to accept both happiness and despair, will be carried with Lexa’s spirit forever. They are entwined. They are of one heart, one mind and two bodies bound by blood. No matter what the circumstances, they will be the light for one another in the darkness.

 

“So, you have made your pledges. You have told Titus? You’ll go through with this union?” Indra pushed when Lexa said nothing more.

 

Lexa smiled warmly, “Yes. He still has his reservations; you know he always questions my decisions even if he does not do it outwardly all the time.” Lexa sighed, “It would not have stopped me. Titus is of the old world, the world I have worked so hard to change. He preaches ‘Love is weakness’ but I know that is not the case. He has seen four commanders come and go before me; I understand where he is coming from. But it does not change the fact that he is wrong. My reign marks the dawn of a new era Indra, he simply fails to see it. There are elements to this new world that he simply does not possess the light to see in the darkness.”

 

She pauses as she thinks about the roll he plays in Polis. His duties to her and the Natblida's. Despite the lessons on battle and politics, Lexa has gone against his teachings at almost every turn. She had followed her own head without influence. Now, she supposes she has been influenced. Clarke and the love she has for her has played it's role. Clarke taught her how to lead with her head and her heart. 

 

A balance she never knew she could possess.

 

"Titus see's your connection to Clarke," Indra pauses as if seeking permission to continue. Lexa nods stiffly and Indra continues, "he see's her as a threat."

 

Lexa sighed and bobbed her head once so fast you could have missed it. "Yes. To my safety and the coalition. He blames her for the rebelling clans and my decisions since I met her."

 

Indra swallowed, "He is dangerous Heda."

 

"I am well aware. I have eyes on his movements. He will not harm me," Lexa replies calmly. "He knows he is being watched I suspect."

 

"Even with you providing proof that Clarke is Heda Kom Faete he is wary." It was not a question. They both knew it.

 

Titus was a puppet master, he was a cog in machine no one understood. He was a man with little birds that roamed the city for him spilling their secrets and finding more. 

 

"The minute I told him of her past life he began to instruct and influence me, guide me as always. It was as if a switch was flipped within him, too fast. For the first time in my life I find myself not trusting him. He went from cautioning me to speaking about using it to our advantage, how _powerful_ we would be united."

 

"And surely he would have felt when the earth shook."

 

Lexa looked at Indra who was eyeing her seriously. Her eyes boring into Lexa revealing her secrets. Lexa had not spoken with anyone outside the cave about what happened that morning with her blood. She wasn't even sure Indra knew about their new energies yet. But Indra is smart, cunning and deep down intuitive.

 

So of course she figured it out.

 

“It is hard to deny your love for the girl Heda,” Indra smiled a little, “Or hers for you. Any idiot with half a brain can see the connection, the energy, the pull. The ground opened up, a bright light emitted from the cave, white hot... You shared your blood did you not?”

 

The final question sucked the air from Lexa’s lungs. Few were privy to that knowledge. Blackblood is held sacred with their people for obvious reasons; those with it were destined for a purpose. Lexa essentially went against the ways of her people, embraced the mountain’s techniques, and gave away her birthright to a woman who fell from the sky.

 

But that was love.

 

Risking everything to save _her._

 

“I would make the same choice again,” Lexa said eyeing the woman carefully.

 

“You have taken a great risk in making such decision. This energy you two now share is immense and will weigh heavy on you both. You have taken up more responsibility without knowing what you were getting into Heda. You know the story of the All-seeing Woman, you know what absolute power did to her mind. It broke her. Consumed her, destroyed her. I fear for you both, beyond the issue of Titus.” She was being honest; her head was lowered in respect and fear of speaking beyond her place.

 

But Lexa was not angry.

 

In fact, she gave her a small smile. Indra cared, Indra would deny it, but she _loved_ Lexa as if she were her own flesh and blood. Her concern did not come from jealousy or fear of what Titus may be up to or the two Heda’s powers could do to her or their world. Her concern was for what said powers could do to them.

 

_Absolute power corrupts absolutely._

 

“Clarke is strong and she makes me stronger. We will protect each other through all of that. When it becomes too much we balance each other out. Do not fear for us Indra.”  _But please, watch over us._ She didn't voice the second part. She didn't need to.

 

Ryder joined them shortly after that. “Heda, we have word on two of the missing scouting parties.”

 

“The one’s that went missing after Jasper disappeared?”

 

“Sha, and one that was not on that task.”

 

“Well?” Lexa said eyeing him aggressively and wondering why he was so cautious. Her tone was biting without meaning to. But Ryder is rarely cautious with her so she was irked quickly.

 

When she caught sight of his glance to her hand she followed it. She sucked in a breath and unclenched her fist that was glowing white hot, humming with strength, almost crackling with intensity. She took a deep breath now understanding why he had been hesitant. She had let her emotions run away from her, she had lost a little control. Indra had been right to worry. She would need to be more cautious, she would need to be more aware of this energy swirling within. She had to control it before it controlled her.

 

And honestly, she was slightly tense for a second when she saw the light flicker and fade as she calmed down and got control again. She and Clarke really needed to fucking practice harnessing their energies…

 

Because, right now, all she could picture was Wanheda screaming after the massacre with the fever at the ark and the whole forest igniting into flames.

 

She shivered and pushed the thought away. She would speak with Clarke later.

 

“Their fights are over,” Lexa says watching Ryder who nodded. She swallowed, “How?”

 

“They were in the East, one party death by the bears. Obvious signs, little struggle. The other seemed to be cut down in their hiding spots.”

 

“Where was the other?” Lexa asked knowing Ontari’s bears were responsible for the first party’s death.

 

“That party was in the Bluecliff boarderlands Heda,” Ryder said imparting a stern look at the mention of Bluecliff.

 

Lexa’s jaw twitched, her muscle flexed, she now knew why Ryder had been so wary to tell her.

 

“Ambrose.” She was seething. Her anger for the man she once considered herself close to friends with was rsing quickly. It was at the surface ready to be released. She wanted his blood. Ziva had told her of his movements, she had told her he was approaching other clans. She had a feeling her scouts demise and the leaving of their bodies was serving as a message.

 

He knows she’s watching him, he’s trying to show her he does not care. _He does though, he’s nervous, that is why he moves in secret like a shadow,_ her Heda spoke within. "Like a worm," she muttered to herself.

 

Lexa paced through the snow around the fire and her two warriors fell silent. Her mind was racing, she was aligning the pieces and making them fit. She had to make this work in her favour. The coalition could be rebuilt she knew it could, but it would take work and time. If she had any hopes to solidify her legacy of peace once more she would need to act soon.

 

Each action will cause a reaction.

 

A rippled of events through tumultuous seas; complete civil war can be prevented. Their next moves were dangerous but Lexa was tired of being on the defensive. She was so tired of playing their game, but their rules. The rebel clans have no knowledge of their new found energies considering Lexa and Clarke barely understood them. They had an advantage if they could figure out how to use it. Everything just needed to fall into place.

 

“We leave for Polis tomorrow night," she informed them making the decision. "I need to speak with Clarke.”

 

Lexa leaves her two warriors behind her as they begin to bark orders to their people for her. Instead of heading to their tent, Lexa heads to the Ark.

 

Soon their own chess pieces will scatter the board.

 

It is time to put things in motion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me watching FTWD: Alicia. Don't do it.  
> Alicia into the radio: I'm here.  
> Me: Lexa stop Alicia from doing that.  
> Alicia keeps talking  
> Me: No stop that. No don't laugh.  
> Me:*hands over face* Bebe doll they are gonna come slay the fuck out of your fam...  
> Alicia keeps talking in the radio  
> ...  
> Me looking to the floor: Okay satan. I really am going to have to go Lexark and fix this shit too eh?
> 
> *calmly remembers Character development doesn't happen overnight*  
> *Doesn't care.*


	4. Mother Knows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This isn't edited. Like at all.  
> I don't even know why this ended up being almost 3k words...

Lexa makes her way through the snow to the Ark. She has her long coat and fur hood up over her head. She nods at her passing warriors and SkaiKru alike. She turns the corner after entering the halls of the Ark and runs directly into Raven.

 

“Woah, where you off to?” Raven asked backing up a bit in the arms that held her from falling at the elbows.

 

Lexa shifted in her footing and let go of her, “I’m going to see Abby.”

 

“Need backup?”

 

Lexa smiled, “No, thank you Raven. But I think I can do this one on my own.”

 

Raven nods and pats her on the shoulder, “Find me when you’re done I want to show you what I’ve been working on.”

 

“Okay. We will be leaving for Polis tomorrow night, did you want to come with us?”

 

“How is that even a question? I think I love that place more than Kane,” Raven said chuckling and sidestepping passed Lexa.

 

Lexa hummed happily and made her way to the medical wing. She took a deep breath to steady herself before she went through the doors to find Abby at her desk. She smiled warmly and stood up when Lexa entered immediately pulling her into a hug. “Are you alright?”

 

Lexa hugged her back but stiffened at the question.

 

There are so many answers for that.

 

The question asks so much.

 

She wonders if Abby knows that, she only hugs Lexa tighter and runs a hand lovingly over the back of her head. “You look just as nervous as the last time we met in here,” Abby cooed softly. She pulled back and kept her hands on Lexa’s sides, “We are going to be family soon. What’s on your mind?”

 

And because Abby is fucking mothering Lexa and Lexa is starved for that kind of affection she lets her.

 

She slumps into a chair and tells her everything.

 

She breaks. She’s overwhelmed, anxious, nervous…excited? There are so many emotions swarming Lexa she is having trouble differentiating. And that doesn’t even begin to include what she’s feeling when Clarke’s emotions swarm along with her own.

 

“I am worried about all of this. You saw what happened in the tent and to the ground when I shared my blood. We have unleashed something into this world amidst the chaos and threats…” Lexa’s voice was soft and she knew Abby had to strain her ears to hear her clearly.

 

“The ground is always chaos and threatening,” Abby said cautiously, clearly worried about Lexa’s vulnerability that was typically reserved for her daughter. Abby’s heart was splintering just at the sight of the young leader.

 

“I do not wish it to be. I started the coalition to bring an end to the bloodshed, meant to put an end to the chaos. I started it so that the only bloodshed would be in the name of justice not brutality. I do not wish us to be _savages_.” She spat the last word out like venom.

 

“And you have done admirably Lexa. Anyone who looks at you with clear eyes can see the effort you put in. They can see the good you have done. We see the blood you have spent to create it.”

 

“It is crumbling between my fingertips,” Lexa confesses fidgeting with her fingertips. Abby promptly grabs her hand to soothe the girl once more.

 

Abby ran a hand on Lexa’s back, “The coalition still stands sweetheart.” She made Lexa look at her, “It may be fractured, slightly bent, _but it stands_. You took a broken, warring world and brought them together. The fact that many still remain loyal to the cause means they share your belief for a better future. You took a broken heart and mended it, strengthened it and gave it new purpose. If you can bring Clarke back from the dark depths the mountain took her to, then together you two can unify the clans again.” She shrugged, “Who is to say this new energy you unleashed wasn’t necessary for it to happen? Who is to say the universe isn’t pushing for this just as hard as you. So hard it broke the rules to give you two a chance.”

 

Abby smiled warmly and let her words sink in to Lexa as she told her she’d be back with some tea.

 

Lexa thanked her and waited. When Abby spoke like this it reminded her of Clarke. The Griffin spirit was strong, resolute and hard to ignore.

 

Lexa thought back to her reading in the Polis library as a Natblida.

 

The history books tell tales of Griffin’s being notorious tricksters and manipulators. They tell of wit, strength, courage and tenacity. A Griffin essentially represents both power and wisdom. In mythology, the Griffin was a mythical creature with the head of an eagle and the body of a lion. In her world, the Griffin is Clarke with the mind of a leader and the heart of a lover.

 

The similarities don’t end there. In Greek mythology, the most notable Griffin was one who pulled Apollo the sun God’s chariot. Apollo also represented wisdom as power. The sun’s heat, the ability to harness that fire, resides within Clarke’s heart.

 

Perhaps Abby was right.

 

The universe is working alongside them.

 

The hints are there, whispers of possibilities, but it will be up to the two young leaders to bring it to fruition.

 

As Abby walked back into the room with hot tea Lexa was filled with a whole new vigor. She was filled with the overwhelming feeling that this was happening for a reason. That everything was playing its part and the two Heda’s just needed to capitalize.

 

She’d be damned if she was going to ignore it.

 

The universe was screaming at her now and she couldn’t escape its volume. Clarke and her were meant to be tied together, born for greatness.

 

“Abby, thank you for…this” Lexa gestured awkwardly to the room. She hoped it would sum it all up for her. She was thanking Abby for everything. For her words and touches of comfort. For her care and love _. For Clarke._

 

“Lexa, I care about you as if you came from me. You love Clarke with every bone and drop of blood in your body, _literally,_ ” She smiled at her own little joke. “You look at her like she is your whole world and she returns it just as strong. All I ever wanted in this life for Clarke was happiness and love. I don’t care where or who it comes from. It doesn’t even matter what dangers lay before you two any more – I see that now. This thing between you too strong to be denied or coerced, you two have no choice in loving the other. In this life and the other’s it’s always been you two.” She shrugged and sipped her tea, “Soulmates.”

 

“What if our love destroys the world?” Lexa voiced her fear she raised her chin to look at Abby, “We have before.”

 

Abby furrowed her brow, extremely confused, “What do you mean?”

 

Lexa swallowed, they had not really delved this deep into their past lives with Abby. “Remember how you asked me how I knew the blood would save Clarke?”

 

“You said you had seen it before…”

 

“And I had,” Lexa said slowly. “Just not in this lifetime…”

 

You could hear a pin drop.

 

Silence.

 

Just steady breathing.

 

Abby’s eyes widened with her mug frozen mid-sip in front of her lips. It was just hanging in the air along with Lexa’s revelation.

 

So Lexa broke the silence, “We may not have been entirely forthcoming with how much we know about ourselves…”

 

“Well, now may be the time to do so,” Abby said sternly.

 

Lexa nodded and leaned forward. She filled her in on Alex and Claire to her stunned silence. She waited for Abby to scoff or roll her eyes.

 

But it never came.

 

Abby had seen what happened in the cave. She knows something bigger than themselves is happening, she may not understand it but she accepts it. She may even look prideful, like a mother bear watching her cub catch it’s first fish.

 

This was the moment Lexa saw Abby change.

 

In this moment Abby accepted who her daughter was. It was like an invisible veil had been lifted from her eyes, Lexa could actually see the woman processing the information she had received.

 

This moment Abby not only knew, but also believed that Clarke was _special._

 

Not special in the way a mother should always see her child, but special in a way she could not quite explain. Special in a way that defies logic and understanding, pushes beyond your limits and reaches out to the universe that brought her here. The one that created her, the one that helped define her fate, the predestined events in motion that created this unique soul meant to be tied with another.

 

She then looked at Lexa clearly, as if seeing her for the first time.

 

Lexa Kom TriKru. Just as unique, just as strong, just as loving, just as _special._

A single tear dropped from her eye.

 

After some heavy silence, Abby Griffin pulled a Clarke and started to ask questions. Lots of question.

 

Most notably: “So, did Alex and Claire have this…these gifts the two of you are displaying? The lights, the fire?”

 

Lexa shook her head, “No. Although, it is said that Heda Kom Faete (Claire) did transcend through flames and fire to enter the universes beyond in search of Alex. And the only proof we have of that is Clarke’s dream memory. Alex came to Earth sometime later…” The emotion was heavy in her voice because, in a way, it happened to her.

 

Abby swallowed, “You have to help her control it.”

 

“Me? What?”

 

Abby held up a hand, “These gifts are connected to your emotions, you know that. Lexa, you know how deeply she feels. Her emotions can be unbridled, if she loses control now it could be devastating. If the proof from the flames raging in your tent during your…evening activities is anything to go by anyways.”

 

Lexa blushed to all of this because she is highly aware of these things. She didn’t even have to address the fact that she would help Clarke. That was a given.

 

Abby continued, “I also think that’s why I was able to pass through your field to treat Clarke. We are connected, blood of my blood to your blood now. But it’s more than that, you love me, don’t you?”

 

Lexa was stunned; Abby read it all so well. She was processing everything and helping Lexa cope just by talking it through. Mothering.

 

Her heart melted a little, she visibly relaxed, “Yes, like a mother I never had the pleasure of experiencing _due_ to my blood.”

 

“I love you too Lexa,” Abby gushed and hugged her tight. She kissed her temple and sat back in her chair.

 

Lexa paused, “Why do you think Raven and Octavia couldn’t get through the field, it even burned Raven? I love the both of them.” Sisters she never had.

 

Abby smiled and laughed a bit, “Well, I think that probably has something to do with it being that you don’t exactly trust them. How could you they’re always playing their little games with you, it’s just the way that they show their own love.”

 

Lexa laughed, “They push the limits of my trust, that’s for sure. Also, I’m sure the copious amounts of nuts that lay beside the furs when I woke up prove her intentions were more for the energy and not us.”

 

Abby laughed and brushed her hair back over her shoulder, “It was hard not to be intrigued by it. Plus, there was little to no other entertainment while you two slept, the nuts bouncing off the field was a good show even I’ll admit to that.”

 

Lexa smiled at her and they sat in a comfortable silence, well comfortable for Abby. Lexa still needed to ask for Abby’s help and she was afraid to ruin their nice moment.

 

“My land girl, your thinking too loud.” Abby was smirking, “What’s on your mind now?”

 

Lexa stood up, “I need to ask you for something-for Clarke.”

 

“Anything.”

 

She swallowed, “I understand your people have their own customs when a couple weds. We are not going that route after discussing it but I do want to carry something from your people, your world in space, into the ceremony. And I just think, I really think, Clarke would love to have something of Jake’s I could give her. Maybe I could fashion it into an item or-”

 

“Lexa. Honey, take a breath.”

 

She was rambling pretty fast there and now she was indeed in need of air.

 

Abby fell silent but smiled wide; she played with the chain around her neck and stood up to join Lexa. She removed the chain and dropped it into her own hand. LExa fell silent while Abby looked fondly at the item before wrapping Lexa in a warm hug that spread warmth all throughout her. “I don’t have much of his things left,” Abby said stepping back and holding out her hand, “But I was saving this for Clarke.”

 

In her hand attached to the chain was Abby’s wedding ring.

 

“Abby, I can’t-I didn’t mean-”

 

Abby’s hand landed on her chest lightly as it dropped the ring into Lexa’s palm, “I know you didn’t. This is better than anything else I have of his. Jake was a firm believer of soulmates, always with his head in a book, writing poetry, singing… he passed that belief in true everlasting love on to Clarke.” She wiped a tear in her eye and smiled, “Love was a weapon he always said... And today you two are proof of that.”

 

“I don’t know what to say.” A rare occasion for Lexa.

 

“You don’t have to say anything, I’m more than happy to do this for you two. I’m glad you found each other in this life.”

 

And they’ll find each other in the next.

 

And every one after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was equal parts necessary and equal parts indulgence...  
> I'm not even mad about it.


	5. Dad Kane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I haven't done much with Kane and CG so here is some of that daddy guidance she's lacking.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa breathed trying to wake the blonde beside her the next morning.

 

The blonde scrunched her nose up keeping her eyes closed and simply rolled to bury her head further into Lexa’s neck. The brunette hummed softly, with a smile at the contact and rubbed her back. “We need to rise Clarke. We have to leave for Polis tonight. There’s much to do before we leave.”

 

“Don’t wanna,” the blonde mumbled.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa sighed for a brief moment absorbing the feeling of warm lips on her neck. She smirked, “You leave me no choice,” she said when Clarke still did not move. She immediately began pinching and poking the blonde causing a fit of giggles, groans and a healthy slew curse words.

 

“You are so annoying,” the blonde whined sitting up and playfully glaring at Lexa who simply shrugged and removed herself from the bed. She smirked as the blonde’s eyes followed every dip, curve and line of her naked body. Lexa washed up in front of her before deciding to dress incredibly slowly. The blonde sensed the intent on torturing her with her desire and groaned as she lay back in the furs. “Annoyingly hot,” she mumbled to herself.

 

“When you’re done being grumpy you should join us for breakfast,” Lexa said fixing her braids. She walked over to the bed and kissed Clarke’s forehead before leaving the tent.

 

Clarke sighed and slowly got up to wash and dress alone.

 

The morning air was brisk but the sky was blue with big puffy white clouds. The sunlight was dancing off the snow with a blinding force. Fires were going, food was being cooked, and teas were being brewed. Lexa found Raven and Octavia exiting their own tent located not that far from her own.

 

“Good morning Heda,” Octavia said sleepily scratching her scalp. She wore a big black coat lined with furs; she had dark blue tight pants on with her usual fur lined boots. Raven yawned and gave a slight wave through her own big coat.

 

“Morning you little brats,” Lexa greeted them before leading them to a fire. They sat down at the fire that was designated for Heda and quietly began working on their breakfast, each still too sleepy to have a full conversation. They were all trying to break the morning chill from their bones.

 

Not long after they had began nibbling Clarke came to join them.

 

She looked more put together than when Lexa had left her in the tent. She had her hair braided back to keep it off her face, her hood was up over her ears and her coat was hugging every curve. Her black pants she had borrowed from Lexa were tight in the best way possible. Lexa loved seeing her clothes on Clarke, not only because they were her clothes covering and keeping the blonde warm; but because Clarke’s womanly curves fit a little snugger in the fabric. No one would blame her for that guilty pleasure. But Raven and Octavia would tease the crap out of her so she quickly averted her gaze from Clarke’s rear end.

 

Lexa handed Clarke a mug of hot tea with a smile. The blonde gladly accepted with a kiss to the temple and then sat down beside her. They ate and made small talk, nothing important was being mentioned – for all of them it was just too damn early.

 

When their breakfasts were done Lexa cleaned up the station and waited for Clarke to join her.

 

“I wish to do a little work together later before we are to leave,” Lexa said quietly.

 

Clarke nodded, “Okay, like what?”

 

“You’ll see, just try to keep your energy up.”

 

Clarke smirked as her mind instantly went to the gutter with dirty thoughts. This caused Lexa to blush before rolling her eyes, “Not for that.”

 

“But-”

 

“If you’re good maybe we will do that too,” Lexa offered with a wink.

 

Clarke huffed but smiled due to the winking commander, “Fine. But I’m holding you to that.”

 

Lexa pulled her hips towards her causing their bodies to press tightly together. She leaned in and ghosted her lips over Clarkes, “Good.” Her breath was hot, sweet from the herbal tea and tantalizing. It was a promise with the hint of a threat. It made Clarke a little weak in the knees.

 

That’s a lie.

 

She literally trembled at the knees, fully weak.

 

Which caused a fit of giggles to emerge behind her from her two friends. She promptly flipped them off as she watched Lexa turn and leave her.

Clarke remained behind with Raven and Octavia to do their own prepping. Mostly, it was Clarke and Octavia watching Raven fiddle with weapons and things that go boom. Eventually they brought out their blades to sharpen before Clarke needed to leave to speak with the people she was leaving behind.

 

She found Kane first, “Clarke. It’s good to see you looking so well.” He was outside the Ark cleaning one of the rifles SkaiKru uses.

 

“Thanks. I’m feeling better everyday,” she said sitting down across from him. It was only a half lie. She felt physically better, but inside was a completely different story and always changing from one moment to the next.

 

She feels like she's in a constant state of flux.

 

“You leave for Polis tonight your mother said?”

 

“Yep. Lexa and I have meetings to attend with the council. We need to sit down and organize our next moves. There's too much at stake. We can’t keep sitting idle waiting for our enemies…”

 

“Are you alright Clarke?” Kane asked pausing his motions with his gun and eyeing her concerned.

 

Clarke nodded and sighed, “That’s a loaded question.”

 

He smirked knowingly, “I get that. What I meant I suppose is, if there is anything I can do?”

 

Clarke caught his eye and slightly shook her head, “Keep them safe for me.” She appreciated his intent but she's not looking for help with her burdens inside her.

 

Kane smiled warmly at her. His eyes were shining with pride, “Of course Wanheda.”

 

“Clarke.” She corrected him.

 

She didn’t want him treating her any different, Wanheda was a title for ceremonies and making a point, enforcing her authority. It wasn't for private talks like this. Kane had always treated Clarke with respect since she came to Earth. He trusted her, put his faith in her, believed in her. He was a father figure in the background supporting her, backing her, offering his help when she needed it. She didn’t need him to call her by her title, she didn’t need any more respect from Kane as he had always offered it freely. Probably because she earned it long before she became Wanheda.

 

He smiled at her correction and bowed his head acknowledging her request. "Clarke," he corrected himself again showing her more respect with a small smile and a slight nod of his head.

 

“Things are going to happen soon Kane. I can feel it coming. Surviving the trial _will_ come back to haunt me…it will come back against us." Clarke sighed as she thought more, "Not only that, Azgeda sent the fever to Arkadia and I have kept it a secret."

 

Kane watched her thoughtfully, "I know."

 

"You know?"

 

"Give me some credit Clarke, I do speak with the people in camp. Bellamy filled me in."

 

"Echo-" Clarke started to defend the woman she had yet to deal with herself.

 

Kane cut her off, "Echo will not be harmed. She has proven herself loyal it should be rewarded not punished. The Winter Queen forced her hand and we both know that. Your secrets are safe." 

 

Clarke shook her head feeling slightly guilty for that. Now more people were in danger if this were ever to be leaked. "We should be demanding blood for blood. Kane, if our people find out they could revolt. Even worse they will call for me to raise the battle cry, I might have to ask the clans to fight for us once again and there will be no avoiding another war.” Her voice cracked as she revealed her secret worries. She knew what she was saying was true. Every action has a reaction. Clarke’s decisions create ripples in the future fates, beyond what most of them understand.

 

Instead of telling her war has already come to them, that it never really ended. Kane surprises her.

 

“’Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown’,” Kane murmured softly as he quoted Shakespeare.

 

Clarke sighed loudly running a hand along her fur hood, “I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask to be in charge. I did not ask for a crown.”

 

“A crown is a trinket, a symbol of power and leadership. Neither of you require it, ask for it, or desire it - yet you’re still Queen’s among men.” His voice was strong, his gaze piercing her heart. He meant every word.

 

Clarke chewed her right inside cheek eyeing the man. She was thinking about her life and the events that led her here. It's ironic to think she holds so much power of what will come to pass yet there are so many things beyond her control at the same time. But that's what makes her human and that is what will keep her from forgetting it. “You can’t control what’s beyond your reach,” she said softly in agreement and understanding of what he was trying to say.

 

“Exactly. You two were meant for this Clarke; time and time again these things happen to us, to you, and you’re still here. You’re still trying to get everyone a tomorrow. And you simply can’t control what makes you _you_.”

 

“I don’t remember you being this supportive of me on the Ark…” Clarke said a little hotly with a smirk. “Remember when you had me locked up?” It felt a little lighter as she attempted to tease the man.

 

 “Well, look how that turned out." Kane smiled, "Even then you were trying to do what’s best for our people. You were right then and you’re making the right choices now when none of them seem better than the next. Life is about impossible choices, that was true before the world ended and it's true now. Your heart helps you make these impossible decisions and it will continue to do so if you let it. Having hope in a heart such as yours has to pay off in the long run for all of us. You proved me wrong when I thought I was doing what was right more than once. You're wise beyond your years Clarke, you make it look like you've been doing this forever. You prove it to me everyday that you’re the one we should be following.”

 

Clarke’s mouth dropped open. She knew Kane was behind her, supporting her and being in charge in her stead when she's absent from Arkadia, but she had never heard him speak like this with her. _About_ _her_. So she did the only thing she could think of and quickly stood to bring him into a weird hug while he was still seated. He returned it with a smile before they separated. "Thank you, I needed to hear that." She just didn't know it until she heard it.

 

“So Polis?” He said when Clarke sat back down.

 

“Polis," she confirmed. "We have meetings and Lexa has everyday business to conduct. She's been absent a lot this last little while, so she'll be playing catch up. There is a winter festival approaching, Lexa wants to reintroduce Wanheda to the masses for surviving the trial.”

 

Kane’s eyes lit up, “That sounds exciting!”

 

This was Kane’s typical reaction to anything Polis related. Like a child who was speaking about Christmas or birthday presents, his eyes would twinkle and an unconscious smile always graced his lips. It was hard to ignore and Clarke was fighting off a smile as well now. She caught sight of Lexa who eyed her and waited patiently with her hands clasped at her front.

 

Clarke stood up and Wanheda took over to give orders, “Look Kane, we leave tonight. The radio stays behind. I want updates twice a day, have someone by that thing at all times. I want no surprises.”

 

Kane nodded waiting for more.

 

“Keep the scouts on our borderlands but cut their trips, they get twenty four hours before they switch off. I want everyone on high alert, if anyone is found from other nations on or around our lands I want them captured and taken into the TriKru camp in the tree cover then to Polis. No one outside of SkaiKru or TriKru steps foot in Arkadia until I return.”

 

“You’re worried about another fever attack?”

 

“I’m worried about _any_ attack,” she huffed crossing her arms. “News of the trial has already spread. Word will travel when my survival is revealed in Polis, our enemies will be aware of my location at that point.” She was overwhelmed. This conversation was getting the best of her, she was revealing too much. She feels claustrophobic like the world she once thought was so large was suddenly constricting against her.

 

“The only reason no one makes a move right now is because they don’t know where you are?” Kane asked trying to keep up.

 

Clarke rubbed her eyes, “Maybe? Or not necessarily? They could know the commander is here which could be keeping any attacks at bay...for now.” 

 

He narrowed his eyes at her, “When you are revealed in Polis you expect someone to move on Arkadia.”

 

“They did before plus, I heard Broadleaf speaking about launching an attack before I was taken to Azgeda. They could easily double back here.” Her emotions were catching in her throat. She understands Ontari a bit more in this moment, she understands how not knowing the outcome of actions can scare a person. Ontari may have played it off like she was smug and intrigued by the possibility of Clarke's effect on the future but Clarke knew deep down, as a human, with or without a gift, she was scared. She had to be.

 

And that helped Clarke a tiny bit. They are all human. Ontari can bleed. Jayson can bleed. Wanheda can bleed. Lexa... _Don't even go there. Not right now,_ her voice inside said quietly trying to keep her from losing it. 

 

“Okay Clarke. Calm down, I will double the watch on the wall and in the grounds. The scouts will be on 24h rotations, any news will be sent ASAP by radio. No surprises if we can help it okay?” He was standing now and holding her by the shoulders maintaining eye contact.

 

Clarke swallowed the lump in her throat, “Thank you Kane.”

 

He smiled and brushed it off, “Just be safe Okay?”

 

Clarke laughed a little bitterly and was starting to head towards Lexa, “As if I have any control over _that."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww shucks dearies, look at all this love and support already and we're only at chapter 5. You all make this so worth it, you help me get through my bad days - (you know, the ones that remind you that they killed the best character on TV and handled it so poorly that you have to go and throw all of your spare time into fiction) - sometimes I don't feel like writing because they fucked me up with S3 train wreck so bad and then I get a comment and I'm like 'gotta do it for my people' 
> 
> WWCGD motherfuckers.
> 
>  
> 
> So in support of that, you and myself; I remind you why I write and why we read these trashterpieces:
> 
>  
> 
> Because, FUCK YOU JASON.


	6. Practice Makes Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter because...you guys just deserve it and I got carried away.

 

 

It was just after lunchtime when Clarke and Lexa were walking through the TriKru tents in the tree cover. They trudged through the snow with little difficulty. Clarke was still trying to recover from her talk with Kane. She felt oddly tired for it to be only noon. The two of them were quiet but comfortable as always together. Clarke got lost in her thoughts and Lexa let her.

 

Lexa could feel the haze of emotions coming from Clarke but she couldn’t differentiate them. She wondered if the blonde was having a hard time as well. She was feeling so much, too much, and all at once for her to be perfectly fine.

 

“Clarke?”

 

Sensing Lexa’s inquiry Clarke ignored the hidden question in her name. “So, what did you have in mind for us to work on?” Clarke asked as they passed the tents.

 

“I feel like you should know exactly what I want to work on,” Lexa said stiffly when Clarke changed the subject. When Clarke didn’t respond Lexa continued, “We need to get a handle on this Clarke. These energies, these gifts we have, we have to control them before they control us.”

 

Clarke bit her lip and avoided making eye contact. She was all of a sudden very interested in looking at her feet while she walked right now.

 

Lexa sighed lightly and led her beyond the tree cover and into the clearing they used for sparing. Waiting in the clearing was Octavia and Raven beside a small fire. Their two friends were watching intently ready to help when asked as soon as they saw them.

 

Clarke pursed her lips and crossed her arms when they entered the zone. “So, how do you propose we do this?”

 

“Well I don’t know exactly but I figure we do some training to loosen up and go from there.” Lexa said raising her eyebrows as if it were a proposition.

 

“You don’t have a plan for this?” Clarke snapped a little hotheaded. She bit her lip feeling slightly guilty about her tone. Her emotions were all over the place today; she couldn’t find it in herself to have a filter apparently. So she decided to rely on her alter ego like she always tried to do when Clarke was feeling weak.

 

When Lexa didn’t answer She donned her Wanheda mask for strength and cocked an eyebrow, “So what, you hope they’ll just appear?”

 

“This is kind of new to me too Clarke,” Lexa sighed eyeing Clarke firmly. “Please, don’t make this harder than it already is.” There was a hint of sadness in her tone, maybe even a little bitterness in light of Clarke’s attitude.

 

The blonde sighed and raised her hands in surrender. She _was_ rather rude. “Sorry,” she mumbled and Lexa crossed the distance and held her shoulders.

 

“I _know_ you are feeling overwhelmed by all of this, just as I am Clarke. Let’s just try to figure it out together okay?”

 

Clarke nodded after a beat of swimming in Lexa’s green eyes.

 

Lexa was right. There was no use acting like a stubborn child, not now. They may not have asked for any of this, but it was before them anyways. May as well try to use it to their advantage. Lexa let go of Clarke’s shoulder when she saw the determined look cross the blonde’s face.

 

They distanced each other and drew their swords. They instantly began pacing around each other, countering their footwork and eyeing the other closely.

 

Their footwork was precise; Lexa was still coaching Clarke on her technique whenever she felt the blonde needed to hear it. Clarke was accepting of all the constructive criticism because she knew Lexa was only trying to keep her alive. Keep her prepared. Protected.

 

“No Clarke, you move there and I do this and then you are dead,” Lexa demonstrated her counter move slowly for Clarke to see.

 

“Back up, let’s try again.” The blonde huffed wiping the black blood from her split lip.

 

Their swords rang against each other time and time again but no energy was released except the physical kind. Throws and punches were taken and given by each but still no energy displayed. There were no flames, no fire and no lights.

 

A couple hours later Clarke was sucking back wind and drinking cold water. Lexa was speaking with Raven in hushed tones and emphatic hand gestures. Octavia was making extra arrows for their quivers and eyeing Clarke, “Still have a block eh?”

 

The blonde wiped the water from her lip. “Yeah O, I can’t explain it. I can feel it, in my belly, kind of like how Monty’s shine would just sit there ya know?” she patted her stomach right where her ribs ended. “I can feel it, I know it’s there and I am aware of it, but I can’t make it come out…”

 

“Clarke,” Lexa said interrupting them. “Again.”

 

Clarke took a deep breath and let out an even deeper sigh.

 

She was feeling inadequate. She was upset that something she knew to be growing inside her was beyond her control at the moment. It was terrifying really, if she was being honest.

 

She prepared herself for Lexa’s new attack and defended poorly earning herself a brand new bruise. “You’re not even trying,” Lexa said sternly. “Again.” Lexa was in full training mode, the same way she worked with her Nightbloods.

 

Technically, Clarke is one of them too so really the blonde can’t blame her. Technically, Clarke could enter the conclave if anything ever happened to Lexa and vie for Heda. It made sense for her to be this tough, to look like stone and be this hard on Clarke. She was doubly motivated because she not only loved Clarke more than herself and this would keep her safe but also because she had a duty to her blood.

 

_To their people._

 

They danced with their blades some more, heavy breathing and tired muscles making themselves known. After ten minutes more it ended with Clarke flat on her back and Lexa eyeing her looking very disappointed. Clarke knew what she was thinking.

 

“I _am_ trying,” Clarke insisted when Lexa finally held her arm out to help the blonde get up.

 

“You are not. I saw you take on at least twenty-five Azgeda warriors with relative ease.”

 

“Relative ease? I almost died!” Clarke shouted and Lexa flinched at the words.

 

Clarke saw the tell tale sign of Lexa locking herself away and letting Heda out as she tightened her jaw and lifted her chin. “Almost, but didn’t Clarke... But today I could have killed you at least seven times already. You are not fighting as if your life depends on it. You are not trying your hardest.”

 

“Can you blame me?”

 

“You won’t hurt me Clarke. Even training has to have a sense of danger and injury, it teaches us to fight through the pain.” Lexa said calmly.

 

“That’s not the only issue and you know it,” Clarke all but shouted. And it was true. Clarke was conflicted over everything right now. Nothing made complete sense. She has a swirling energy inside her that could literally destroy them all and she can’t control it. The rebel clans are working in the shadows: some together, others on their own. Things were in motion and for her, she felt stagnant. She’s standing in the mud, stuck and unmoving while the tide comes in. It’s slowly drowning her with each passing minute.

 

“No I don’t. All I can sense is what you’re feeling, which is incredibly muddled and I can’t make it out. You know despite _knowing_ you that I cannot _actually_ read your mind Clarke... Use your words, explain it to me.” Lexa’s tone was slightly biting, Clarke saw her quickly snap her mouth shut and close her eyes for the briefest of moments with a tight shake of her head. Clarke knew she was mentally chiding herself for letting her frustration get the best of her. Apparently everyone was feeling a little off.

 

Clarke chewed on her cheeks and attempted to swallow the bitterness in her throat. She also had to swallow the fact that as worried as Clarke is, Lexa must be even more so. She averted her gaze from Lexa to the snow, huffed a heavy breath and fought the burning tears welling in her eyes.

 

And then, like a coward, instead of answering and breaking down again she threw her sword on the ground and began to stalk out of the clearing.

 

“Clarke!” Lexa and Octavia both called to her.

 

Clarke stopped but did not turn to face them, “I can’t do it okay. I just can’t.”

 

“Yes, _you can_.”

 

It was nothing more than a whisper but Clarke heard it as if Lexa was right beside her. She bit her lip and continued on her way leaving Lexa and her friends behind. She can’t do it, not today. She’s tired. She’s healing. She’s weak. She’s emotional.

 

She’s making excuses.

 

“She’ll come around,” Raven said joining Lexa and putting a hand on her shoulder. The two women watched Clarke disappear back to the TriKru tents. Lexa was adjusting her jaw and feeling extremely conflicted. Was she too hard on her? She just wants her to be safe…

 

“I’ll go after her,” Octavia suggested before Lexa halted her with one shake of her head.

 

“Leave her be. She desires to be alone right now.” Lexa sighed and turned to Raven as her resolve came back. “Besides, with Clarke gone we can do this - pick up the bow, Raven. Octavia you’re against me.”

 

Lexa then walked about twenty paces away and stopped to face them again.

 

Raven had a bow in hand, arrows in the quiver on her back. She had been taking lessons from Octavia and Ryder. She is a fine shot with a rifle so they figured a bow, stealthy and quiet should be right up her alley. They knew Raven wanted to be able to help on the road or in any skirmishes. Like a warrior of the ground she had been injured, tortured, and almost broken. But, Raven is a force, just like a true grounder warrior she finds a way to deal with her limitations and make it so they _do not_ limit her. She finds a way to move on, to continue to thrive, to desire life.

 

Octavia pulled her blade free of its scabbard and readied herself. Her eyes were flicking between Raven and Lexa, she saw Raven notch an arrow. “Um, what’s the plan here exactly?” Octavia said nervously as the puzzle pieces slowly clicked into place. When neither girl answered she knew. “Clarke is going to be really angry about this.”

 

“Clarke left O,” Raven reminded her arrow and bow ready but held pointed to the ground. “If she was against this she should have stayed.”

 

“I highly doubt she knew you would be pulling this type of shit.” Octavia looked at Lexa who was looking slightly guilty before the Heda mask returned. “You two are going to just keep getting me in trouble with her aren’t you?”

 

“What Clarke doesn’t know won’t hurt her,” Lexa replied readying herself and stalking slowly towards the young warrior.

 

Octavia bit her lip, “I want you both to know that I am against this and if she finds out this was commanded of me.”

 

“Fair enough,” Lexa said and swung her sword. Octavia blocked it and stepped back gaining some space. She swung next narrowly missing Lexa before a cross with a fist swung out. She took it in the cheek before spinning and slicing at Lexa again. At the same time she heard Raven whistle and she heard the unmistakable twang of the bowstring.

 

For a split second Octavia saw Lexa glow for a split second before it puttered out.

 

“Fuck.” They both paused to see Raven looking at the dirt in front of her where the arrow had slipped out of her notch on the string. Lexa and Octavia both chuckled before continuing on with their fight training.

 

A little while later they heard the whistle again, Octavia fell to the ground eyes on Lexa but Lexa never glowed. Instead the arrow narrowly missed her legs. “Jok.” _Fuck._ She grit her teeth and growled out the word.

 

Octavia scrambled to her feet and Lexa’s ferocity at her failure to produce the shield took over her face. She had upset herself and Octavia could see the visible change in her.

 

“Maybe this isn’t such a great idea,” she said cautiously defending another attack from Lexa. Her blows were stronger than before. She was getting worked up and it was all Octavia could do to keep her at a safe distance now.

 

Another whistle sounded from Raven. Another arrow flew by them with the twang of the bowstring. No protective shield.

 

A war cry left Lexa’s mouth and they continued to fight. Octavia was breathing hard and rarely on the offensive. Lexa was coming at her like a rabid animal.

 

Another whistle, a punch landed to Lexa’s face from Octavia and a bright light emitted from the brunette. Octavia went flying backwards into the dirt, the arrow fell with her; Raven was whooping twenty feet away.

 

“YES! Lexa, you did it!”

 

“Again,” Lexa growled. There was no joy, no elation just determination to capture the feeling she had felt when it happened and make it something she can access. She needs to understand it, especially if Clarke is to afraid to try to use her own, she could protect her with her energy. So she needs to practice.

 

Octavia was rubbing her chest and getting to her feet. She got in a warrior stance, “I feel like this isn’t fair to me…”

 

Their swords connected again, Octavia rolled into the snow out of the way of Lexa’s kick. She rounded and blocked the next sword strike from her knee. She pushed Lexa back and dodged the next fist swing. She blocked the next sword strike and swung a kick out landing it in Lexa’s chest creating some distance and sending her to her back in the snow.

 

Octavia pounced; she launched herself into the air in attempt to land on Lexa. Just as she was about to land she saw the brunette’s left hand come out in attempt to stop Octavia from landing on her. Lexa’s eyes flared bright green against the snow and light emitted all around her, it blinded Octavia momentarily and then she felt its heat. As soon as the heat hit her she felt her momentum shift like she was bouncing off a wall and she went skidding into the snow on her side. Whiplash wasn’t even beginning to describe how she felt.

 

She felt a burn on her left palm and she looked to her gloves hand to find it singed and sticking to the slightly burnt flesh. She ripped her glove off and shoved it into the snow with a painful hiss, “Damn it.”

 

Lexa was standing now and looking at her hands and then to Octavia. She quickly made her way over, “Are you alright?”

 

The young warrior took her hand out of the snow to show Lexa and Raven who had joined them. Raven helped her up swiftly so they could look at her hand. Lexa held her palm while Raven was looking for other injuries. She saw no serious ones but she did she singed, dried and cracked leather on Octavia’s coat like they had been exposed to too much heat.

 

Lexa gently ran a fingertip over the burn on Octavia’s hand, “See Nyko or Echo for this. We are done for today.”

 

Octavia nodded and they all gathered their things in silence. They were all stuck in their heads trying to understand what was happening. Lexa was beginning to understand how to call upon her energy and use it. She hadn’t expected any burns to result from it but it did make sense. The light she saw come from her was blinding, warm to Lexa and comforting like how Clarke’s arms felt around her. She knew anyone coming aggressively would no doubt feel a much stronger heat than that from the lights but she never expected it to actually burn through flesh or clothing. She wondered if she could control the intensity. She wondered what else she could do with it.

 

She was concerned but also very excited.

 

Heda was positively giddy inside her.

 

They walked together back to the tents, “Octavia what did it feel like?”

 

“Like I hit a fucking wall. A fucking hot - burning hot by the way - wall. It felt like shit.”

 

Raven chuckled and held her uninjured hand. Lexa gave a small smirk, “I cannot believe it worked.”

 

“Yeah now if you could do it without having to be startled or pissed off,” Raven commented playfully.

 

Lexa shoved her gently, “I am beginning to think with a bit more practice I will be able to.”

 

“No rage out?”

 

“It won’t be necessary soon,” Lexa said. She smiled and eyed Raven with a cocked eyebrow; “You two seem to piss me off enough so until I can do it without the rage maybe you just stick close?”

 

The two girls laughed and rolled their eyes. “Like it or not we are all in this together. We will always be close by,” Octavia said as if they didn’t all know.

 

They quietly walked back into the camp, Octavia went to find Nyko for her hand. Raven went to finish packing her gear for the trip to Polis. Lexa went and collected a _very quiet_ Clarke. They packed in silence, they ate in silence, they got dressed for the trip in silence. 

 

Before they left the tent Lexa finally couldn't take it anymore she went and grabbed Clarke's hand before she could leave the tent. When blue eyes met green Lexa could see how troubled the blonde was. She pulled her in to a tight hug feeling the familiar warmth between the two radiate. Clarke shuddered but gave in and clutched to Lexa. "I'm sorry I was hard on you today," the brunette whispered into blonde hair.

 

She felt Clarke adjust on her chin from Lexa's shoulder to the crook of her neck, a light kiss was placed on her skin. "I know, you don't have to apologize for wanting me to be able to protect myself."

 

And Lexa knew her apology accepted.

 

"Did you make any progress?"

 

Lexa stiffened for a moment considering whether or not to tell Clarke. She didn't want to rub it in her face. She did not want to lie either.

 

So she went with a partial truth, "Some." She leaned back to graze Clarke's jaw with her hand before kissing her sweetly. Clarke returned it with a small sigh before Lexa led her by the hand out of the tent to leave for Polis.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you bitches.
> 
> Hate you Jason.
> 
> Mean it.
> 
> <3


	7. To Polis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They travel, Raven sleeps, then they speed up.  
> This is shorter than my usual chapters but fuck it, here you go I needed them to get from point a to b and set the moods a bit. 
> 
> Clarke is a conflicted storm. Lexa is a concerned babydoll. Raven is thirsty. Octavia is just my little warrior child.

They left for Polis as dusk fell on Arkadia. They slipped into the increasing darkness of the trees. There were twelve in their party with Lexa and Clarke leading the way on Icarus and Daedalus. The temperature had dropped significantly with the lack of sun; they were all bundled up tight and sucking in harsh cool air and exhaling white puffs of smoke.

 

Clarke had been quiet during the first few hours of the trip, as had the rest of the party but Lexa was obviously only paying attention to the blonde’s silence. It hung thick in the air and Lexa wanted more than anything to be able to read her mind like everyone thought she could. She still only felt muddled emotions from Clarke mixing with her own concern for the blonde.

 

She was slightly behind Clarke's pace. She watched the right twitch in her cheek as it occasionally hinted at a smile as she whispered to Daedalus. It kept causing her heart to thump a little harder for Clarke. The blonde must have sensed her love within herself because she turned her head to look at Lexa and gave her a tiny troubled smile with warm eyes and of course, a little heat returned.

 

Raven was riding on the horse behind Octavia. She wove around a large tree and suddenly felt Raven's full weight against her. She shifted in the saddle to see her face buried against her shoulder. Octavia chuckled softly until Raven stirred and the warrior's eyes shot open in surprise.

 

“Pssst, Lexa,” The young warrior whispered causing Lexa to disengage from her watch over Clarke. When she locked eyes with her Octavia continued, “Is she asleep?”

 

Lexa glanced at Raven and back to Octavia. “Her eyes are closed?” Lexa shrugged.

 

Octavia blushed a deep shade of red that Lexa could see through the dark. “Reyes,” she muttered and nudged the woman behind her. The mechanic didn’t stir. “Rae. Rae,” she tried again.

 

Still nothing but Lexa caught the hint of a smirk on the mechanic’s face. And that’s when she realized where Raven’s hand had landed, right smack dab on Octavia’s leather clad crotch. It caused a spurt of laughter from Lexa as Octavia shifted uncomfortably in the saddle removing the hand and tried again, “Raven, you need to wake up.” She almost sounded upset, _almost._

 

“Yeah, you like that…” Raven murmured into the girls shoulder and her hand moved back to it's original spot. Octavia's eyes bugged out when it began to move slightly.

 

Octavia blushed even redder (if that was possible), ignored Lexa's laughter and called to her girlfriend again; “Raven,” she hissed as if to scold her.

 

The mechanic suddenly jerked her hand a little more forcefully against the warrior and the surprise pressure on her core caused Octavia to pull hard on the reigns causing the horse to lift it’s front end at the sudden movement of the bit.

Instantly Raven was awake and falling off the back of the horse, "Ah what the fuck?" She looked to a hysterical Octavia who had stopped her horse. Lexa who witnessed it all unfold joined her as Clarke also looked around to find out what happened.

 

“Raven?” Clarke called coming back to join them.

 

“What the _actual_ fuck O? First day on a horse?” The mechanic groaned getting up and dusting herself off from the snow.

 

Octavia look at her with a wide eyes, “Me?" Her hand was on her chest in mock surprise, "That was all you missy!” The attitude was dripping out of her statement causing more laughter from Lexa and Clarke.

 

“What are you talking about,” Raven asked coming closer to remount.

 

“You were displaying your… _thirst_ ,” Lexa teased her with a shit-eating grin on her face. That only widened when Clarke laughed loudly at the statement understanding what must have happened.

 

Lexa was beaming at her friends.  _Finally_ , she could use that term she was taught. _Finally_ , they now have something to embarrass the two little brats with. The fact that Raven blushed at her comment was just gold.

 

That was quickly gone as her cheeky response came out with a cocked eyebrow and a shrug of her shoulders, “Can you blame me?”

 

The three others rolled their eyes. Clarke and Lexa started off again while the mechanic remounted with the help of Octavia. They caught up with Lexa and Clarke, all with a significantly more jovial mood around them now.

 

* * *

 

 

Of course, that wouldn’t last for long.

 

They had decided to ride straight through to limit the potential of any issues along their travels. They had moved covertly changing their route along the way in hopes to avoid surprises.

 

A surprise greeted them anyways.

 

Lexa felt it instantly. She knew when Clarke felt it as well because the blonde slowed Daedalus to match Lexa’s pace. “She’s looking for us,” Clarke said quietly.

 

Lexa nodded, “Do you think she’s close?”

 

“I don’t know. Ontari doesn’t need to be in our presence to look for us. She saw you when you were in Arkadia or en route to it anyways, and I was with her when it happened. Her eyes go from brown to this…really _beautiful_ opalescent colour…it’s haunting.”

 

Lexa chewed on her cheeks, she felt a slight pang of jealousy. It was stupid but there it was, she knew her eyes were Clarke’s weakness and it upset her to think she thought that about Ontari.

 

“Hey,” Clarke said quietly as she felt the jealousy from Lexa. The brunette caught her eyes, “I-I didn’t mean it like that. You know I don’t find anyone’s eyes as stunning as yours.”

 

“I know Clarke, I am just being silly…” Lexa tried to brush it off. It did hurt her though in a very selfish way. Her blood was still running a little hot as she pictured the Winter Queen, who she still had yet to see up close. The fact that she was just a distant figure in her mind right now was not helping.

 

Clarke gave her a funny look before grinning, “You’re adorable when you’re jealous.”

 

“I am _not_ adorable. I am Heda.”

 

Clarke rolled her eyes, “Adorable.”

 

Their moment was broken as the feeling of being watched intensified. Their eyes disengaged from the others and instantly peeled to their surroundings. “Octavia tell Ryder to increase the pace,” Lexa hissed.

 

Their group of twelve spread out as the pace increased. Lexa and Clarke remained close and Octavia and Raven quickly joined them. All eyes were open and alert.

 

The rest of the ride to Polis was tense and quiet. No one spoke until they were safe inside the city walls. No one relaxed until they were in the tower. No one ate a lot (except for Octavia). No one went to a bedroom alone.

 

They each fell asleep in the arms of their loves.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Advisory notice:   
> No one listen to Tswift feat. the civil wars: safe and sound while thinking of Clarke and Lexa because it just fucked me right up. Like wow.
> 
> Fucked. Right. Up.
> 
>  
> 
> (I split this chapter from the one in Polis because it got kind of hinky and the next one still needs more work.)


	8. The Clans of the Coalition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is so hard for me to not just throw all the excitement at you guys...but here have a tiny bit.

The first day back in Polis Clarke and Raven spent it in the annexes once more. Today Raven spent it with her nose in dusty pages while Clarke sketched her. Octavia was practicing with the Nightblood’s at Lexa’s request. She hoped the warrior would learn some new things as well as understand more about their culture. She wasn’t the type to have her nose in a book or history so Clarke and her had decided this was the best course of action.

 

Lexa attended her meetings and listened to Titus’s advice while she politely shoved it out the tower window after he left the throne room. He was exhausting but she needed to keep him close, he is important for passing on the history and traditions to future commanders. He is a valuable member of her service but she still questions his motives. He has been pushing her to make darker decisions from the minute she told him about her and Clarke. This worried her for many reasons, but her instincts have never led her astray before so yes, she would listen but she would not act. She would note his advice and simply use it for information on what he might be up to.

 

Today he had suggested her and Clarke walk into the closest rebel clan’s village and destroy them to demonstrate their power. _Blood must have blood._ She said nothing, gave no hint of her decision though she already knew what it was. The Azgeda trial of Clarke’s proved to her that blood must not always have blood. Those warriors that bent the knee to Clarke proved to Lexa that the actions of a few do not reflect the actions of the many.

 

No, she would not attack them unjustly.

 

She would fight but with her head, her heart and _not_ her bloodlust.

 

* * *

 

 

The coalition meeting was occurring that evening. The throne room was filled with all of the chairs of the thirteen clans though some were empty. The candles and fires were lit, the balcony doors open. Clarke was seated in the SkaiKru chair, hands on the armrests and eyes only for Lexa.

 

As the clan members came in they knew who was with them and who was not.

 

The first to enter was a tall, skinny woman who had long brown dreadlocks. She wore no weapons, at least none that could be seen. “Luna,” Lexa greeted her with a nod when the woman entered. She was leader of the Boat Kru and took her space beside Clarke who nodded hello.

 

Clarke had never met this woman before. She was never at a clan meeting before, she was not the ambassador that she had seen before. Before she could think more on this another leader entered.

 

Clarke took in the detail of this woman. She was very pretty; she had strong features that commanded attention. The air around her along with her walk told Clarke this woman was confident. She strode in with black boots; two curved half swords on her hips, a deep purple and black armored coat on that hit her mid-thigh. On her back was a crossbow and arrows. She had dark brown wild braids landing at the middle of her back. Her tan skin was glistening in the firelight. Clarke watched as Lexa smiled warmly at her for the briefest moment before Heda’s mask came back and she greeted the woman, “Ziva.”

 

Luna beside her who must have seen Clarke’s inquisitive looks whispered in her ear, “Ziva of the Plain’s Clan.” Clarke nodded her thanks. Now she saw the similarities, this was Zora the Natblida’s sister.

 

The next Kru leaders that entered were men. The first was Roku from the Rockline Clan who brought along a young delegate. The second was Paul of the Glowing Forest who came in alone. Following them was another woman and her delegate, the woman was older and sat in the Desert Clan’s seat stiffly. After her was the Delphi clan’s ambassador and his delegate.

 

When no one else entered they had their answers.

 

It appeared their coalition stands with eight clans.

 

Clarke watched Lexa closely as the realization and proof hit her like a dead weight. She saw it all in her eyes while her body and face remained as stoic and unreadable as ever. She began the meeting with menial discussions before addressing the gigantic elephant in the room.

 

“It appears that we have some missing clans,” Lexa said stiffly to the group. “I am sure you are all eager to address this.”

 

Surprisingly Lexa turned to look at Clarke briefly before back to the room, “Shallow Valley and the Lake People are not present today, though we have no word of any movements from them. They may be biding their time; they may be waiting to see where the chips land before they return to the capitol. As for Shallow Valley, they took heavy losses during the last battle at Arkadia. Luna, the Lake People are closest to your villages, do you have any news?”

 

“No Heda, they have not made themselves known to us in many weeks. I believe Camilla is in hiding wishing not to involve her people. They are not warriors.”

The group murmured softly in agreement.

 

Lexa continued, “It has been brought to my attention that Blue Cliff clan has had a change in leadership. Ambrose has taken control and left the coalition. I am certain he has made his intentions known to some of you already.” She raised her chin and Clarke didn’t fail to notice her strong gaze flickered between the Delphi and Desert Clan’s chairs. No one spoke up but Lexa saw how determined they were to keep their eyes from her own.

 

She continued again, “In the recent few weeks we have had developments within the clans. Broadleaf is being led by Jayson, another new leader. He must have taken the role a few months ago. They had a skirmish not far from Arkadia with a small force from Azgeda. We know they are no longer working together. The Winter Queen, Ontari of Azgeda captured Wanheda just over a week ago.”

 

The group collectively gasped and looked at Clarke. She could feel Luna and Ziva’s gaze on her as well at the revelation. Clarke looked at Lexa to avoid the stares. “She killed King Roan the rightful ruler of the Ice Nation during her capture. She then requested the trial under the spirits for killing Nia.”

 

Even more gasps and looks of awe flashed on Clarke as if wishing she would confirm. She felt a rush of love and pride from Lexa and Clarke took the hint and straightened her posture and raised her chin and gave a tiny nod that it was indeed fact.

 

“Obviously Wanheda lives and has been absolved of any wrong doing according to our laws,” Lexa said.

 

“Why would Ontari accept such a trial? Why would she subject Wanheda to our laws if they no longer respect the coalition?” Paul of the Glowing Forest inquired.

 

Lexa gave a small grin, “Wanheda proposed it.” She looked at Paul, “The fact that she accepted has revealed her hand to us.”

 

Clarke watched as confused looks crossed some of their faces. She swallowed as she caught up to Lexa’s train of thought, “She wants the coalition.”

 

Lexa returned her gaze to the blonde and more pride swarmed from her to Clarke who blushed. “Yes, Wanheda. Following our laws tells me she wishes to lead. She could have unceremoniously killed you on sight, in her tent, yet she accepted your proposition. If she wishes to be part of the coalition or vie for leadership she had to respect our laws, no clans will follow her if she does not. She is smart.”

 

Clarke momentarily glared at Lexa before regaining her Wanheda mask. How could she not tell her this? Clarke had not even gave a second thought about Ontari wishing for the role of Heda. She had assumed she just wanted the respect of her people. Lexa did not mention the fact that she was a natblida. She did not mention the woman could see the future. She did not mention their connection in a past life.

 

The coalition sits at eight clans. There were Eight voices wishing to be heard over the others.

 

The meeting got messy and very loud after everything was revealed.

 

* * *

 

Finally, Lexa gave them a break and had food brought in. The clan leaders mingled and walked around while they ate and drank.

 

Luna of the Boat Clan approached Clarke first. “Wanheda,” Luna greeted her softly. “I am Luna.”

 

“Hi Luna, please call me Clarke.” They shook hands.

 

“Clarke,” she tested it out with a smile, which the blond returned.

 

“Do you like Polis so far?”

 

Clarke smiled, “Very much so. Each time I visit I discover something new to like.”

 

That earned her a smile from Lexa who was not far off speaking with Ziva and glancing at her love occasionally. Clarke caught her grin and reflected it.

 

Luna looked between the two and smiled widely before flashing a wicked grin, “Well, how about that…”

 

Clarke broke out of her staring match with Lexa and looked at Luna with a silent question.

 

The woman laughed, “I have not seen that look from her for sometime. Too long honestly.”

 

Clarke’s glance landed on Lexa again. Shit. Luna figured them out. She must have seen Clarke’s brief panic across her face as Luna laughed softly, “Easy Clarke. It is a good thing and I promise I would never use it against you two.”

 

Her voice was strong and Clarke failed to find the lie.

 

“Have you known Lexa long?”

 

“All my life.”

 

“Really?”

 

Luna nodded and her face fell a little, “Has she ever mentioned Costia?”

 

Clarke’s eyes widened. Luna knew about Costia. Her silence told Luna everything.

 

“So you have. That’s good, surprising but very good. She needs to talk to someone about it, God knows I’ve tried.”

 

Clarke sipped her drink, “I’m sorry but how do you know about Costia?”

 

Luna smiled sadly, “She was my sister.”

 

Clarke’s mouth dropped, “ohmygod I am so sorry.”

 

“It was a long time ago Clarke. At some point you begin to hate the words of sympathy,” Luna said sadly but with a hint of gratitude. She looked from Lexa to Clarke, “You two are very much alike," she mused.

 

Clarke didn’t respond. She knew they were.

 

“Wanheda and Heda, rough on the outside, soft and squishy inside…” she murmured softly.

 

Clarke snorted, “Squishy but deadly.”

 

Luna laughed as Ziva and Lexa joined them. “Luna I hope you’re behaving yourself,” Lexa said with a stern look.

 

“I’m just speaking with Clarke. _Behaving_ , right Clarke?”

 

Before Clarke could answer there was a flurry of movement behind Lexa. Clarke tensed up when she saw the movement; her eyes went wide, “Lexa! Wat-”

 

Her words were cut off by Lexa’s shield emitting around the four of them.

 

The flames in the room raged higher as Clarke was pushing her way forward to get Lexa out of the way. She shoved her to the left towards the arms of Ziva who caught her. In the same motion Clarke spun, removed her assassin’s blade from the pocket above her heart and pounced towards the first attacker who held a small blade.

 

The Delphi leader countered her attack and struck her in the face. She snarled and sliced his forearm when he tried to block her next strike, she rounded and kicked him in the gut sending him stumbling back onto the balcony. Without stopping Clarke growled, stabbed her dagger through the fist that was coming at her and kicked his chest sending him up and over the balcony railing and screaming to the ground below.

 

Fifteen seconds.

 

Fifteen seconds to permanently end a life. That’s all it took her.

 

She turned around to see Luna land on the back of the Delphi clans other delegate who had moved to attack Clarke. The woman slammed his face into the cement floor with a sick crack and he fell still. Out cold but still breathing.

 

Luna caught Clarke’s eye, “Thank you Luna.” She breathed before hurrying the few feet closer to Lexa and Ziva who had a curved blade out should any try again.

 

Shouts had erupted around the room and Clarke instinctively crouched like a lioness protecting her young in front of _her_ Heda. She did not relax. Her senses were tingling, her muscles rippling under her clothes. Adrenaline pumping in her veins and the flames inside her were a raging tornado.

 

No one else made a move to come near. They fell silent with a raise of Lexa’s hand. “ _Guards remove this Natrona. Take the delegate to Titus to be questioned,”_ she ordered in Trig. She laid a hand on Clarke’s shoulder. The blonde instantly relaxed under her touch and the flames in the room returned to their normal size.

 

Clarke turned to look at Lexa as the room calmed slightly. “ _Some_ progress?” She said it accusingly and narrowed her eyes. Lexa had not told her she had _that_ much progress with her energy. That looked oddly like she caused it, the light had started glowing from her as soon as Clarke’s eyes widened. It also circled around not only Clarke and Lexa but Luna and Ziva as well. She had created the bubble around the four of them before Luna and Clarke crashed through it. _Some progress my pale ass,_ Wanheda within huffed.

Lexa looked at her and read her tone, “Later Clarke.” It was a hushed warning. The blonde swallowed her bitterness and nodded. She looked away from her to Luna and saw the woman looking intently between the two of them and the flames.

 

She saw.

 

She had put two and two together.

 

It was written on her face before she smiled wide at the two of them.

 

Clarke didn’t smile.

 

She couldn’t. She knew what this meant and so did Lexa judging by the feeling in her gut. Azgeda may have negated the assassination mark but other rebels were still obviously driven by their own motivations now.

 

She was still in danger.

 

The trial, the deal with Ontari had done nothing but remove Azgeda from assassinating Lexa and save Clarke from vengeance for Nia's death.

 

Clarke stormed out of the room angry and overwhelmed.

 

She didn't notice the flare of the flames behind her as she left.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trouble trouble Imma make it double
> 
> So breakdown from what we learned in this chapter:
> 
> Coalition: SkaiKru, TriKru, Boat People, Plains Riders, Glowing Forest, Rockline, Desert Clan  
> Rebel Clans: Azgeda, Broadleaf, Delphi, BlueCliff  
> Unknown Allegiances: Lake People, Shallow Valley
> 
> *rubs hands together like Mr. Burns*


	9. Luna and Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did you ask for a little Luna Lexa interaction? No? Have some anyways.

 

 

Lexa watched Clarke storm out of the throne room and sighed as the doors closed behind her. She tried to push down the flurry of feelings radiating from Clarke, as the blonde stormed off to god only knows where. She gave a nod to Octavia who returned it acknowledging the silent request to follow her.

 

Lexa raised her right hand with a flick of her wrist silencing the room in an instant. “Leave me. We meet again in two days.” Lexa barked into the room. She turned to head to her throne. Her mind was running in a thousand different directions as her emotions battled a secret war inside her. She was angry she had not seen it coming, she was angry about using her energy so publicly so soon, she was concerned about Clarke. She was worried about the coalition. She was overwhelmed.

 

She sat down heavily in her throne, leaning to one side and putting her right hand on her forehead to hold her head up. She always found her throne to be something of a safety blanket. It is something she uses to recharge herself whenever she sits on it. It always reminded her of who she is and was born to be. It reminds her of the legacies of those that had sit on it before her. It reminds her of her strength and determination. It reaffirms the faith she has in herself. It reminds her of her lofty goals for her people’s well being. It makes her think of the legacy she intends to leave behind.

 

She has her eyes closed and is rubbing her eyes before she pauses. Without opening her eyes or moving further she sighs, “I thought I said leave me.”

 

“You did,” came Luna’s simple response.

 

Lexa opened her eyes and looked at the tall woman with dreadlocks. Luna gave her a small smile with raised eyebrows and a slight tilt to her head giving Lexa a chance to tell her to leave now. Luna always knew how to push Lexa’s buttons; but she also knew when to relent.

 

She had spent many years around Lexa since they were children. She knew her before she became Heda, she knew her both as a child of TriKru and a nightblood in training. She watched her younger sister fall madly in love with her best friend. She saw Lexa’s duty call her to lead. She watched the world destroy their love along with her sister.

 

She watched Lexa shut down and shut everyone out.

 

But what she saw today was new.

 

She has not seen Lexa in over a year and was quite in awe of the difference in the young leader that she had seen today. She wondered if it was really possible for a person to change so much but also remain the same in such a short amount of time. What she saw today told her Lexa had opened herself up again. She had let herself feel both pain and joy once more. To be human. To want something for herself.

 

Luna could not be more proud.

 

She knew whom to thank for it as well. She didn’t know _exactly_ the extent of their relationship but she knew it was more than political allies. Really, she just wanted to hear it from Lexa so she started poking.

 

“Are you going to give me a proper hello Lexa?”

 

Lexa sighed and stood up, “Of course. I am sorry. Hello Luna.” She crossed the short distance and held out her arm for the handshake.

 

Luna cocked an eyebrow at the gesture and decided to push a button on the stoic brunette. She pushed the arm aside and pulled her into a hug, “We say hello properly when alone child.”

 

“You’re only five years my senior Luna, and I am not a child.” Lexa countered returning the hug.

 

Luna chuckled softly and tried to let go of her, Lexa had always been very guarded with personal space. She was even more guarded after Costia’s death; she knew brevity was always the way to go with Lexa.

 

Or at least it was…

 

Lexa surprised her by actually gripping her a little firmer when Luna attempted to let go. The brunette held her a little longer, a little tighter. It was like she was attempting to make up for all of the brief hugs she ever received from Luna.

 

When Lexa finally did let go Luna gave her a warm smile. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Lexa eyed her keenly, half a wall up for safety, “Talk about what exactly?”

 

Luna smirked, Lexa had seen right through her question and chose not to answer they way she wanted. So instead, she decided to poke the bear a little harder, “You should go after her.”

 

“Who?” Lexa asked feigning ignorance.

 

Luna rolled her eyes, “Oh please Lexa. Don’t even try that.” She watched Lexa as the flame's lights danced across her features.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“Is that so? Well I’m talking about Wanheda…or do you call her Clarke behind closed doors?” She said knowing full well how squirmy Lexa was getting even though she wasn’t showing it. Her eyes, it’s all in her eyes.

 

“That is inappropriate,” Lexa cautioned her.

 

“Is it? Okay, well you won’t mind if I go,” she paused, “ _get to know_ her better then? I’m quite taken with her.” She said seeing a flash of rage in Lexa’s eye revealing a little more of just how invested Lexa was in the blonde.

 

“You have known her for all of three hours, most of that in silence Luna.”

 

Luna smiled cockily, “You’re right. So what better than to go have a visit with her?”

 

Lexa glared at her and stepped a little closer once more, “I know what you’re doing.”

 

Luna smiled, “Good. Then you may as well just come out with it.”

 

“Come out with what?” Lexa said innocently.

 

Luna rolled her eyes and sighed crossing her arms, “I hope to the spirits that she is as stubborn as you.”

 

“More so.” Lexa said fondly unable to hide her loving tone or the small smile thinking about the blonde always creates.

 

Luna beamed at her, “You can’t hide the way you feel about her. Not from me, or those who know you well. And it seems she cannot hide it either.”

 

“Any of you would have tried to protect me.”

 

“I did but I did not shout your name like a niron.” ( _Lover, betrothed, partner)_

Lexa stiffened and hung her head with a sigh. “That was unfortunate.”

 

“I am sure the other attendees were more focused on the fact that she killed the threat…and the fact that you glowed. Would you care to explain that one to me?”

 

Lexa chewed her cheeks in debate. She took a deep breath and felt her resolve breaking. Luna had always been able to see through her walls, just as Costia, just as Clarke. Luna was the sister she never got the chance to have. She rubbed the back of her neck, “Clarke and I have made our pledges. You’re right about it all. She is the reincarnate of Heda Kom Faete.” She looked up to the woman’s kind eyes, “I love her.”

 

Luna’s eyes were wide at the revelations before she schooled her features. She placed a warm hand on Lexa’s shoulder; “You do not need to sound so guilty about it.”

 

“Are you not mad at me? For not honouring Costia’s memory?”

 

“Lexa, I want you to be happy. Costia would want this for you. You think honouring her memory means closing yourself off, to try and shut out feelings and emotions. It’s not. Costia would want you to love with your whole being; she would want you to be happy. She taught you to be happy and she would be honoured that you took her lessons to heart and found love again.” She paused thoughtful for a moment, “That does not explain the blackblood I saw.”

 

“What?” Lexa rounded on her a little aggressively.

 

Luna raised her hands to appear unthreatening, “She had a small split in her lip. I saw it before she wiped it clean on her sleeve to hide it. Relax, I no one else was as close as I, no one else would have seen it.”

 

Lexa’s jaw twitched before she nodded. She took a deep breath, she may as well tell her everything; Luna would no doubt find out. She was much like Costia in that sense, much like Clarke. They would all keep digging until they got the answers they seek.

 

“The Azgeda trial, she was dying. I-“ Lexa shuddered thinking about the cave and Clarke’s injuries, “I had to save her.”

 

Luna furrowed her brow as her mind caught up to the revelation. “You shared your blood with her.”

 

Lexa nodded, “Like the first commander and Heda Kom Faete. Did you feel the earth shake a week ago?”

 

Luna nodded narrowing her eyes and tilting her head begging to understand.

 

“We caused that. As soon as we shared the blood the earth shook, the flames soared and I glowed bright. It’s some sort of energy we share. I hold death at bay, I protect. She holds dominance over flames.”

 

Luna was silent for a few moments. Lexa watched her move to the table and down two glasses of wine before turning back to her. “So why are you hiding in here?”

 

“I am not hiding.”

 

“You lie. You’re overwhelmed by everything that happened tonight. You’re worried about the consequences, I can see it in your eyes as if Titus is whispering in your ear about his ‘love is weakness’ garbage.”

 

“Titus is wrong. I know that. It is not what I am worried about. My only concern is how this will endanger Clarke and the coalition’s ties.”

 

Luna gave her a small smile. “You will only endanger anything if you keep avoiding this. You have accepted your feelings, your ties to her; it is time to make them known Lexa. You need to speak with her. Coming out with this news, having a bonding ceremony, being the first Heda to do so is a precedent. You fear your people will revolt, but you must give them the chance to decide for themselves how to accept this. They might surprise you.”

 

“Not all will celebrate the union between Heda and Wanheda. Not all will celebrate the fastening of ties between Tree and Sky,” Lexa replied solemnly.

 

“Lexa. You have always said how big of a role fear plays in man’s decisions. Don’t let fear get in the way of your happiness; it does no use to avoid this any longer. Clarke is obviously impulsive and she does pose a risk to this shell game you seem to be playing.”

 

Lexa smiled briefly as she took in what Luna was saying. She hadn’t known the blonde for long but she had read her like a book she knew cover to cover. “Perhaps, you are right.”

 

“Then go to her you damn fool because I think I’m falling in love with her,” Luna teased knowing exactly how jealous Lexa gets. One last poke wouldn’t hurt.

 

The brunette gave her a sideways glance along with a smirk. She nodded and head out to leave the room in search of the blonde.

 

Luna smiled fondly behind her slowly walking out behind her. She thought about the way Clarke and Lexa looked at each other during the meeting. Lexa looked at Costia like she was a fresh flower, fresh and beautiful in the morning dew. Delicate and fragile, new to a teenage romance.

 

But Lexa looked at Clarke like she could move mountains as well as gently caress her cheeks.

 

Like she was a hurricane and porcelain all at once.

 

Like she was her _everything_.

 

Clarke represented Lexa’s weakness tenfold compared to her sister. Yes their love was real and true but the love between Lexa and Clarke was clearly different.

 

World changing.

 

It was thunderstorms and sunshine, it was fire and ice. The looks they shared were haunting to a keen observer such as Luna.

 

It was as though they feared how much they loved and also loved how much they feared it.

 

Isn’t that what love is?

 

A total contradiction: a risk, a weapon, and a safe haven.

 

It has the power to devastate. It has the hold to provide solace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looking at the notes for Clarke in next chapter I wrote: "she real mad"
> 
> That's it. That's all my note says. That's what I have to go on.


	10. Blonde Fury

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke doing what we all want her to do.

  

Clarke storms out of the throne room in haze of fury, the doors bang open in her wake hitting the two guards outside. She doesn’t apologize; she doesn’t spare them a glance or even a thought, she continues on her way. She hears Octavia running to catch up behind her but she ignores the girl as best she can.

 

She’s fighting the tears, her chest feels tight and she can barely breathe. She’s not overly upset with Lexa downplaying how much control she had gained over her energy, but she is feeling a tad inadequate. But that’s not even scratching the surface of why she is truly upset right now. Her head is spinning. She's angry, scared, concerned and drowning in it all.

 

She’s on the verge of losing it. She can not help but think she's only eighteen years old and this is all _too much_.

 

She’s a leader with people relying on her, the commander of fate and death, and there’s an assassination threat on the love of her life.

 

No big deal.

 

Just another day on the ground right?

 

Oh and did we forget this swirling ball of fire inside her gut that makes her feel like she is going to explode? No? Good, because she is fully aware how dangerous that is right now as it churns inside her. She’s also never been _more_ aware of the hundreds of candles and flames in this damn tower, it’s almost as if she can feel each individual flame’s presence. Hot, teasing and submissive to her reign over the flames.

 

“Clarke.” Octavia tried to stop her, or slow her down, Clarke isn’t sure. She just brushes it off and continues towards her bedroom bypassing Lexa's swiftly. The brunette hurries up anyways and follows Clarke right into her room shutting the door behind them. The blonde ignores her and moves to the balcony without missing a beat. She swings the doors open wide, steps onto the balcony as the cool night air smacks against her and she looks out below.

 

She is searching for a body. The body. She’s trying to prove that all of that just happened.

 

It _really_ happened. Someone threatened Lexa’s life in the middle of a meeting, she killed again, and they may have exposed things they had not intended to.

 

_Fuck._

 

Sure enough, there is the fresh corpse of the Delphi ambassador, pancaked to the hard ground. There’s blood and matter able to be seen splayed out on the concrete even from this distance. She can almost feel Wanheda inside standing proudly looking at her handy work. And that makes her shiver.

 

Yes, all of that happened and she was looking at the proof.

 

All present at the meeting saw Lexa’s gift, or at the very least they saw their commander literally glow which is bound to cause questions. All present saw the assassination attempt. All present saw Wanheda act before any sentries. And _oh fuck,_ Clarke vividly recalls shouting Lexa’s name exactly how a lover would when seeing their partner in danger. She smacks her forehead in disbelief, _damn it Clarke_.

 

“Hey. Hey, Clarke. It’s okay,” Octavia had joined her at the balcony with a small hand on her shoulder to comfort her friend.

 

Clarke took a deep ragged breath and tore her eyes off the ground. She looked to the night sky and sighed with a slight shake of her head, “It’s not. It's _not_ okay O. That should not have happened.”

 

“You were the only one who saw him Clarke, you had no choice.” Octavia looked to the body on the ground.

 

“I _did_ have a choice, a lot of them actually, I just wasn’t thinking.” Clarke gripped the railing hard; “I didn’t need to kick him off the tower. I didn’t need to scream Lexa’s name like that in front of the coalition. That’s _way too_ personal for politics and meetings. I let my emotions get the best of me.”

 

Octavia put her left hand over Clarke’s right, “With all the excitement I doubt that registered Clarke. Someone made a move in the damn throne room while in a fucking meeting. Really, it was foolish…I don’t understand why they thought they would get away with that…” the brunette fell silent in thought.

 

Clarke sidestepped the end of her comment (that had been bothering her too) and shook her head deciding to dwell on her own screw up instead. “Octavia, if they don’t know about our relationship after that, they soon will if we keep this up like this. Trying to keep it secret is dangerous, just as, if not more dangerous as telling our people. If we don’t get ahead of this - get a handle on things…If I – If I can’t control my emotions this will all spin out of hand. The clans won’t see or think it’s about love, bonds or pledges - they will see it as a power play by SkaiKru and TriKru. Hiding it will only make it worse I think.”

 

“Oh,” Octavia said numbly averting her gaze back to the sky.

 

“Yeah, _Oh_.” Clarke huffed and joined her gaze, “I have a feeling this was only the beginning… and yet, it’s like crap this never ends.” Clarke may sound calmer but inside she is a wild storm. Her energy is humming, mixing with her emotions like they're adding fuel to her flames.

There was a beat or two of silence with only puffs of warm breath meeting cool air to be heard. The silence hung heavy around the two.

Octavia scratched her head, “They would have seen her _superpower_ too.” Octavia offered needlessly while ignoring Clarke’s involuntary cringe at that word.

 

Clarke huffed and rolled her eyes, “Thanks O, _big help_.” The sarcasm was on there so thick. She was _more_ than aware of this shit storm she stepped into...or inadvertently caused.

They fell silent again for a few minutes, while Clarke thought more on the assassination attempt. There is no way the Delphi man would have gotten out of the room. It didn’t make sense why he would strike in the middle of a meeting with all those witnesses. She furrowed her brow and ground her teeth together. Was it simply for glory, was he set up, or did he have more help than just his delegate? Too many questions filled her head at once. She shut her eyes, she hoped Lexa had some idea as to what the hell this could mean.

 

“I can’t wait to tell Raven you pulled a Lexa with that guy and she missed it.” Octavia said dreamily and recreating Clarke's kick that sent the Delphi man plummeting to his death. Her movement pulled Clarke from her basket of thoughts.

 

Clarke sighed after watching the warrior, “You’re incredibly problematic.”

 

The brunette nods in agreement with a smirk.

 

* * *

 

 

After about twenty minutes of silence Clarke has still not calmed down. If anything the silence has made it worse. It allowed her to stew. Clarke Griffin was not good with stewing. She was somewhat ticked that Lexa never showed up to check on her yet. A part of her was concerned that she had upset her in her actions as much as Clarke had upset herself.

 

She whirls away from the cold balcony with a twirl. Her coat swishing behind her and startling Octavia with her movement. “Clarke?”

 

“I’m going to get answers,” the blonde growled. She wanted to be useful. She wouldn't be able to sleep soundly right now, she may as well act. She may not be thinking with a clear head but it's the furthest thing from her mind right now. She had been pent up in her mind for too long. Stuck in limbo with her emotions and the humming inside.

 

She exits her bedroom in a perpetual state of rage and overwhelming emotions and fear. She’s moving with feline grace and determination, her long coat is swishing behind her with each step. Her braids are flowing over her shoulders and down her back. Her eyes are up, her chin set. She stalks through the tower’s halls and waits for the elevator and leaves a stunned Octavia behind her. She figures she is going to find Lexa, but she pushes that from her mind as well. Lexa will know where she went.

 

She lets the operators know she wants the ground floor. She knows Titus’s quarters are somewhere in the tunnels like the fucking creep he is.

 

That means she has _a lot_ of floors to fume before she reaches the ground. Roughly eleven _decalexa's_ according to Raven's conversion chart that is based on Lexa's height.

 

She feels like how she did before she tortured Jasper. The bloodthirsty side of her is practically giddy in the elevator while the rest of her is a variety of emotions all at once, none of which she would describe as remotely jovial.

 

When she exits the elevator she is still in her fury. She hurries along the corridors and flies to a halt at the first guard at the door, “Take me to Titus.” She commanded with force.

 

“Sha, Wanheda.” The man bows and she huffs. _Today bro._

 

She is really too worked up for this so she fumes as he leads the way outside.

 

She walks through the cold night air following the man before he halts a little ways off from the courtyard. He gestures towards the opening in the cement wall. “The Fleimkeppa is beyond to the left.”

 

She nods and steps passed him through the opening before she heads to the left. The cement tunnel is dark and damp. It smells like a sewer.

 

She hears shouts. She sees shadows dancing against the cement bricks at the end of the corridor. She knows she’s found him. She storms around the corner with no pretense or hesitation. Titus gawks at her in the interruption while she glares and quickly crosses the room.

 

There are braziers on the wall causing the shadows of their bodies. She see’s the second Delphi delegate tied to a chair in the middle of the room. He has already been struck more than once; his face is bloody and swollen already. He is now unconscious.

 

“Wanheda you are not permitted to be here,” Titus growls and comes to halt her progress to the man.

 

“I come and go as I please in Polis, _Heda’s_ orders you know that.”

 

“Not in here and you _do not_ hold power over me. I am the fleimkeppa, I serve Heda and her legacy of Natblida's. This man’s blood is not yours to take. The answers he holds are not your concern.”

 

Clarke snarls, “Not my _concern?”_ Her eyes are fixed on him, her glare is ice and flames and daunting.

 

She steps into his space hands clenched at her sides because she wants nothing more than to throttle this man in her way. Her voice reaches a dangerous tone, “I know you know about Lexa and I. I know she has told you as much as you need to know, so how do you figure that her safety doesn’t concern me?”

 

“Relationships have no place or bearing on the duties of the Heda or her Flamekeeper,” the bald man scolds her. “Your actions put you both in danger. Your display in the throne room was weakness."

 

 _“Weakness?”_ Clarke shouts with a nasty snarl at him, “I killed a man, I kicked him off a fucking tower to protect Heda.” She uses the formal title to prove her point. She is here for both Lexa and the coalition.

 

“Heda or Lexa?”

 

She snapped.

 

Her hands clenched tighter, “Lexa _is_ Heda!” She shouts in his face.

 

She hates the distinction, she hates the way people see her as only a figure, just a vessel for the commander’s spirit. They see only Heda, and Lexa gets lost behind the headpiece and sash.

 

Only now, Clarke refuses to let that happen. She's taught Lexa that she matters more beyond what she can do for her people. It took the woman a long time to come to terms with it but she makes more and more progress each day. Lexa is learning to lead with her heart and her head. 

 

Titus doesn’t want Lexa to _feel_ or be _human._  He prefers to have her seen as untouchable. A goddess that is unattainable. He doesn’t understand that Lexa’s ability to feel and love as deeply and instinctually as she does is what makes her such a good leader.

 

She is infuriated that he fails to know who Lexa truly is. Sure, he knows she is strong and wise, but he does not attribute any of that strength or wisdom to her heart.

 

But Clarke knows better.

 

“You cannot be here. Matters of state are not your concern,” Titus responds with a slight edge and threat in his voice.

 

“Fuck off,” she spits venom and shoves passed him towards the man tied up.

 

Titus growls at her defiance and goes to grab her wrist to stop her. She whirls on the spot at the first touch of contact and strikes him in the face splitting his lip.

 

The man snarls and fastens both hands to her wrists as she struggles against him. He spins her, maneuvering her hands so they’re behind her back. She screams in pain when he kicks her knees out and she lands hard to the ground. “That was a mistake Clarke. An attempt against my person is punishable by death if I choose it,” he bends to speak beside her ear, “I choose it.” He spits the metallic redness from his mouth to the floor beside her, “blood must have blood. I _will_ have your head.”

 

“You won’t if you wish to keep yours,” Lexa’s icy voice fills the room. Titus stiffens at her tone. Clarke looks up to see Lexa and instantly she can see how livid she is to see him with his hands on her. “Release her,” she hisses with rage in her eyes and a firm grip on the sword hanging off her waist. “NOW!”

 

He shoves Clarke very unceremoniously and dramatic when he releases her. She is instantly on her feet. She turned around in one swift motion punching him in the face a second time figuring this may be her only shot, “ _That_ is for _Lexa,” Not Heda,_ but she didn’t need to voice that part. He understood judging by the face he made and the subsequent glare in Lexa’s direction.

 

He left the room in a boiling rage. They both could tell but they did not care.

 

Clarke felt Lexa’s hand immediately graze against her still fisted hand. Her touch instantly softens Clarke's resolve and her hand relaxes, allowing the brunette to slip in palm to palm before entwining their fingers. Clarke sighs at the warm contact and lets her guide her quietly out of the dank tunnels. Once outside the tunnels Clarke makes a move to let go of Lexa’s hand because they’re in public.

 

To her surprise, Lexa only tightened her grip.

 

“Lexa,” Clarke said in soft protest.

 

The brunette raised her chin and turned her head to look at Clarke without stopping their walk, “I am done hiding us.”

 

To her even bigger shock, Clarke smiles and doesn’t worry, she’s so tired of worrying.

 

Lexa does not let go of her hand as they pass the courtyard. Even more, they stayed clasped warmly together through the corridors, up the elevator and straight into _their_ bedroom. They remain quiet as Lexa helps Clarke out of her coat and onto the couch. Lexa takes her own coat off and snuggles in beside her putting an arm around her and pulling her close. Clarke shifts and burries her head into Lexa’s neck breathing in deep.  Her right arm instantly wraps around the brunette's midsection. Lexa rubs soothing strokes along her back and kisses her forehead just because she can.

 

She shushes Clarke when the blonde goes to speak, “Just relax Clarke we can talk about everything soon enough. For now, please, I just need to hold you close.” It is as much for her as it is for Clarke. There is much truth behind her words, she needs the strength she feels when she hangs on to her little Lionheart. She feels the blonde nod against her and lace a few kisses on her neck. A heavy silence fills the air around them but Clarke's mind is already calming down. Lexa has that effect on her. It seems her protective love can also cure Clarke's rage. Her love helps control the flames within. Her calming presence soothes and recharges every cell in her body.

 

After some time, their chests are rising and falling together and Lexa sighs as their bodies relax and melt together. She can practically hear Clarke's brain still mulling over the indigents of the night so in an attempt to lighten Clarke’s spirits she speaks. 

 

"I can't believe you struck Titus," she whispered with a bit of awe in her voice. She's replaying the punch over and over again in her head and finding it _incredibly_ satisfying.

 

“I actually hit him twice. Once for me. Once for you,” came a muffled admission from the blonde's mouth against her neck. It was followed by a tiny shrug and a tighter grip around Lexa who was grinning at her words.

 

“You’ll have to tell me what it felt like to strike Titus in the face,” Lexa hummed lightly against blonde sunshine hair. “I’ve dreamt about it for many years.” She sighed dreamily, “I bet it was magical.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little taste of Clarke for Titus, wait until Wanheda comes out to play you bald fuck.
> 
> Sunday funday surprise update while we all wait for FTWD tonight. :) Love you dearies!


	11. Who's in Charge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Developments I think people call them.

It is very late when they landed on the couch together and it is very early in the morning when they finally drift off to sleep. Sometime that morning Lexa moves the blonde to the bed without waking her and earning a soft, content sigh when she does so. Lexa brushes the loose strands of hair from her face and kisses her forehead and soaking in her warmth she feels when she does so. Then she quietly makes her way into the bathroom filling a bathtub with hot water she had brought up to the room. She tops it off by adding a rich fragrant oil of lavender.

 

When Clarke wakes up she finds herself in bed. She reaches out to where the body of warmth should be but finds none.

 

She is suddenly extremely alert.

 

They don’t often wake up alone or without the other one waking them before they leave when they're together. Briefly, she panics and worries that something has happened, something urgent has called Lexa’s attention, but then she shakes her head.

 

Lexa wouldn’t do that. If there were something going on Clarke would be informed. She was sure of it. Kind of. Maybe she was just trying to reassure her fragile self right now.

 

“I’m right here Clarke.” Lexa's voice comes into the room to reassure the blonde. Because, _of course_ , she felt her worry.

 

Clarke sighs when she hears her from the bathroom. She smiles and tears the furs off of her and bounds out of the bed to go find her. When she does she is wrapped in a tight warm hug that they both sink into with heavy sighs. It is so familiar yet it never gets old.

 

“I have some business to conduct this morning, but I wanted you to relax after the night you had,” Lexa explains pulling back and gesturing towards the tub.

 

Clarke smiles warmly at her with a small hum of contentment. She runs a trailing hand across Lexa’s back while she heads to the tub. She strips her layers slowly and holds Lexa’s offered hand while she steps into the tub. Clarke immediately feels the burn and relaxes into the water sinking in deep, allowing the water to run up over her breasts before she plunges her head in as well.

 

She comes up in a gasp of refreshment and hears a soft chuckle from Lexa. “I take it this was the right decision?”

 

Clarke nods enthusiastically, “Definitely. Now hurry up and take care of your business because I don’t feel like spending much time apart today.”

 

Lexa nods, “And we need to talk.”

 

Clarke cocks and eyebrow before averting her gaze. She expected that. Of course she did, she went behind Lexa’s back and tried to exact her own brand of justice last night. She also hit her advisor twice in defiance and rage. She also may have exposed their relationship. She also stormed out of the meeting like a child having a tantrum. The blonde takes a deep sigh, Clarke did not do a lot of good last night for them. She did not fix any problems, if anything she made them worse.

 

So yes, she expected the ‘we need to talk’ thing to come up. What she did not expect was for it to sound as foreboding as it did coming from Lexa’s mouth. When has any relationship consisted of ‘we need to talk’ in a good way? None, that Clarke could recall off the top of her head.

 

“Clarke?”

 

Clarke gives her a tiny smile, one that is forced and they both know it. She waves a wet hand lightly, “It’s fine. Go do your thing, we’ll talk when you get back.”

 

“Will you be here?”

 

The way her voice was soft and quiet, unsure of herself, made Clarke realize how vulnerable they both were right now. Lexa’s question was loaded with worry, like Clarke was upset enough to leave her, or at the very least avoid her. The blonde flinched internally, she did have a history of running away from things...

 

“I may not be in this exact room but I will be around. I can’t really go beyond the courtyard in the daylight yet remember? I'm supposed to be a ghost right now.” Clarke tries to lighten her voice to ease Lexa’s worry. It doesn’t seem to do much because the brunette is definitely looking at the wall and not her. “Hey, look at me,” she requests softly but it is definitely somewhat of a command.

 

Green eyes lock to her and Clarke can see the pain and uncertainty. Her heart aches for the girl in front of her at the sight.

 

In this moment she remembers how young they are, she remembers how intense and new this relationship still sort of is. Even if they have known each other or some form of each other throughout time and different universes -- _this_ relationship is _still new._

 

It has accelerated and been filled with absolute devotion in such a brief amount of time. It quickened as they came to terms with the truth of themselves and their paths. It is strong and unwavering love but it does not stifle out the humanity within them. It does not erase the natural vulnerability to open yourself up to someone completely. It does not magically take away insecurities or doubt from either of them.

 

They have pledged their lives, their hearts and their beings to the other but this moment reminds Clarke they are still young adults in love. Scared of being left behind, scared of being hurt, scared to be left alone with the weight of the world on their shoulders. She also registers in that moment that the weight is now distributed between the two of them; they already carry it together. Clarke thinks, in a way, they always have. But the union that will happen between them, the one that will tie them officially in the eyes of the spirits they owe so much to, will _officially_  place that burden on them both. The union will make Lexa's people Clarke's people. It will complete their path, once Clarke's Kru became Lexa's people by way of them joining the coalition, now the joining of Lexa and Clarke will return the favour.

 

And Clarke knows now. She wants it. She wants it all. She wants to share it all with Lexa.

 

The good, the bad, the great, the worse.

 

All of it.

 

She’s ready. She's never felt more ready. She needs Lexa beside her, she's known it for some time. But seeing Lexa's face right now tells her without a doubt that Lexa needs her just as much. 

 

She blinks once and a smile appears on her face while she looks at Lexa. “I love you Lexa. I am sure a part of me always has. I am not going anywhere... unless you do not want me of course.” She’s trying to reassure her, she wants the hesitation and fear to leave her beautiful features but she can’t help but shove her own vulnerability into the mix with her statement. She wants Lexa to know she’s a exposed and weak about this as she is. (She's still only eighteen, give her a break.)

 

It works.

 

Lexa crosses the distance with a wet, teary smile and kisses Clarke who leans forward in her bath to greedily accept. It's passionate and needy. Lexa deepens the kiss with a tilt of her head and a brush of her nose as she changes the angle.

 

A soft breathy sigh escapes both of them as she pulls away, "Ai hod yu in, Clarke." She cracks the 'k' and Clarke swoons before Lexa continues, "I have wanted you before I knew you. I have been waiting for you all my life. Relax, _niron,_ I will find you when I am finished.” _Love._

 

Her words leave Clarke speechless and flushed. Sometimes Lexa is too smooth. Her heart is racing and Lexa has already left the bathroom. Feeling slightly overwhelmed and stupid for not replying before she left the room Clarke, for good measure, focuses her love and energy that she feels in her heart and pumps it out. She imagines it filtering out of the bathroom, weaving it’s way through the halls and straight into Lexa’s beating heart. Her lionheart roars when the feeling is returned from the brunette somewhere in the tower.

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa allows Clarke some time to relax in a hot bath. She enters her thrown room and removes a small book from a desk in the far corner. Before her business is to be conducted she takes the leather bound notebook and her writing utensil back towards the balcony. She walks onto it and uses the time to record in her journal. It’s something she started many years ago after Costia’s death. She had not been allowed to grieve openly; she could not allow herself to confide in anyone. She confided in herself through the journal, it was her penance, her burden to carry so no one else would have to. Writing it down was a habit now that she often kept _hidden,_ she was not even sure Clarke knew about this.

 

Okay, she’s not _really_ hiding it, but it is not on display either. (If it ended up in the wrong hands it could be problematic.)

 

But mostly, it’s something of her own when she has to share everything else.

 

Even Clarke. Because she _does_ share Clarke with their people. It's something she loves the blonde for though. Something she could never resent her for either. It's what made them equals. Understanding and acceptance of who they are. Neither Clarke or Lexa could turn their backs on their people. Not even for the each other.

 

She pours her heart into the small, dry pages. She sinks her hopes and fears into available empty piece of parchment. She'll need to add to it soon. So much has happened lately. She scratches and scribbles in both English and Trig. She doodles and hums, she cries and she smiles. When her hand is cramping she closes the book and takes a few deep breaths to bring her back out of her head. She feels better.

 

She is brought food and drink before Titus enters the room. Lexa takes a deep breath. _Here we go._

 

“Heda,” Titus’s gravelly voice filled the room.

 

She doesn’t turn to face him, she remains standing as she finishes the last piece of cheese on the plate and downs the watered wine. She is waiting for him to bring up last night. It’s only a matter of time but she will not play into his hands. She is Heda, she commands every room she enters. To prove this, she walks back to her throne and slowly sits down, still with her mouth tight lipped and now eyeing the man. She see’s a waiver of hesitation before he comes closer when he realizes she won't play along. She raises her chin waiting.

 

“We must discuss what is to be done about Wanheda.”

 

“There is nothing to be done,” Lexa says coldly.

 

“She committed an offense against your fleimkeepa! You cannot let that go unanswered it will set a precedent. I have the right to demand justice for her trespass against me.”

 

Lexa narrows her eyes. He's right, he has the freedom to choose to punish any who moves against him. Attacking the flamekeeper is as much as an attack against the commander. But it is obvious to her that had Clarke threatened real harm to him he would be dead. Clarke now carries assassins blades at all times, he would never see it coming. She decides to step on his obvious sore pride, “If she wished to harm you beyond simple bruising you would be dead by Wanheda's blade Titus." She clicks her tongue against her teeth before adjusting her jaw as she sees him squirm. "No one was in that room but the three of us and the Delphi delegate. And he won’t live long enough to tell another soul about the events in that room. So tell me Titus how will it set a precedent?”

 

The bald man doesn’t answer. So she presses on aggressively. “Will _you_ spread this news Titus? Will you step beyond your place and allow it to be set as a precedent to punish me, to make me learn a lesson?”

 

“I- No. Never Heda.” He bows his head in respect that Lexa doesn’t quite buy anymore. She has had a growing sense of unease with Titus in the last five monthes. Beginning back when she came back from the mountain. To when he saw just how ‘weak’ she was for Clarke. “She must be punished. If you do not see to it, she will continue to overstep her boundaries,” the man cautions eyes glued to the floor.

 

“Clarke and I have very few boundaries. As is the way of a pledged couple,” she reminds him.

 

“Last night she tried to get answers from the Delphi man, answers that were not hers to take! _You_ are Heda.” He is insistent.

 

“And _she_ is Wanheda, she brought down the mountain. She slayed the Ice Queen, she survived her trial for it as well, blessed by the spirits of the ground. When our union is completed she _will_ rule in my stead whenever I am away from Polis.” Lexa's tone is firm and commanding. She has essentially pulled the rug of power from Titus's feet.

 

“You cannot!” Titus raises his voice and looks at her with rage in his eyes.

 

She stands instantly at his tone. Her hands fly behind her back in a very imposing manner as she crosses the distance between them.

 

“ _Yes I can_.” She cuts him off with ice in her voice. Her chin is raised with authority, “ _And I will_. That duty will no longer land in your hands once this union is official.” Her words cut him down piece by piece. He is losing his hold on authority, something he loves, something he's _weak_ for. She is diminishing his responsibility, his hold on her, and his authority in the city. She is making her distrust obvious now.

 

And it is too late to take it back.

 

“You put too much faith and power in her hands. Your people will see you as _weak_ Lexa. They will revolt at the news, demand a new Heda, call for both of your deaths, truth of her reincarnation be damned.”

 

“I place _no_ faith or power in her hands," Lexa growls. "She already wields it. She held it long before I came along. I simply allowed my faith and power to join hers.” There is no lie. There is only certainty.

 

“You sound like a lovesick puppy. I beg you to see reason; she will be the end to your legacy. She endangers the both of you. Her actions last night, her general impulsiveness does your people no good. _She is not your equal_.”

 

Lexa barks a cold laugh; “Her _‘impulsiveness’_ saved my life last night and ended a very real threat against me. Her _impulsive_ actions brought down an enemy we had been a war with for decades. Her quick thinking saved me from losing my head to Nia and effectively extended the coalition. You refuse to give her credit where it is due. Your fear blinds you! Do you not remember advising me to kill her, to take her power? Now you try to deny she has any. She is a quick study Titus; she absorbs it all. She learns from her mistakes and makes better decisions for making them. She is impulsive but she is also patient. She is _special.”_ She stares at him coldly. “You were behind this union before I left for Arkadia, what happened?” She presses him in hopes that he will crack or give something away. His behavior has been doing complete 180’s since she first told him about Clarke’s past life.

 

There is something that she is missing.

 

Titus doesn’t respond right away. This is Lexa’s first warning, something did happen while she was gone. Something occurred when she was waiting for Clarke to heal from her trial. She just didn’t know what. The people she has watching Titus told her nothing out of the ordinary had occurred with the man, but she can’t shake the feeling that they missed it. Somehow Titus was working in the shadows right under her nose. What he was working on, she doesn’t know.

 

The man swallows thickly, “Nothing happened Heda. I must return to your Natblida’s. It is time for their morning training.”

 

“You are dismissed when I say you are.” She steps closer once more, “Clarke and Octavia will be joining some of their lessons.”

 

“I have already permitted to let Octavia partake in combat training against my better judgment. This is too far. This is an abomination! They are unworthy of such lessons - it is a blood and birth right! It is tradition!” His anger is spinning into rage and she internally smiles. Unbeknownst to him Clarke has blackblood, she _has_ a birthright. She was born for this, just like Lexa. She was strong enough to share the brunette's blood, she was born to take it, she was born to be at Lexa’s side. They were born to lead _together_.

 

She squares her shoulders once more and softens her tone slightly, “The world is changing rapidly Titus. You think it changed when Clarke came into the picture and you are wrong. The world began to change the minute I ascended. We were at war for decades. Thousands of our people’s blood spilt until I unified the clans. We had peace for a time and a common enemy. As one enemy falls it is natural for the balance to shift, for the board to reset itself. We adjust as well and meet it head on. I am not afraid of this new world and its challenges now when I used to be afraid Titus. Clarke only changed _my_ world, not _our_ world, it was already changing long before she fell from sky.”

 

His face flushes and he is about to refute her statements. She takes in his hardened eyes and figures she may as well put the final nail in the coffin, so with a flick of her wrist she stops his words and speaks again, “She _has_ a birthright as well as the bloodright Titus.”

 

His eyes widen, “She bleeds red!”

 

Lexa looks at him coldly. It’s a challenge and he knows it. “Not anymore,” she growls. She can see his mind whirling; she sees the anger and what looks like betrayal in his eyes.

 

“You have betrayed your people! You have committed a great offense towards your predecessors! You _shared_ your blood?”

 

“Clarke is Heda Kom Faete. She was the second person to ever have our blood and decades later she has it again. History repeats itself, that’s a lesson you taught me long ago Fleimkeppa. Clarke was destined to carry it again, I simply completed the inevitable.” She hardens her tone once more to a more commanding one, “If you are so concerned with Clarke’s ability to lead properly you will allow this to happen. You will teach her as if she is one of the Natblida’s and Octavia as her second will continue to join her, in _all_ aspects not just combat.” She allows her commands to sink in a moment. "Now get out of my sight."

 

The man chews his cheeks and swallows any negative response. He knows he has pushed Lexa far beyond what she would normally tolerate. So he simply nods to her commands and leaves the room. She takes a deep breath. Allowing him to push her and question her like that may not have been wise, she let that go way beyond what she should have. It may have only proven in his eyes that she is weak, or at the very least, weakening.

 

She sends for Luna and Ziva and awaits them on her throne.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The blank page of a word document might be my biggest fear.
> 
> Aside from getting shot for being me...
> 
> It's like a close 1, 2 there.


	12. Wanheda's Flames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I enjoyed this chapter. I hope you do too!

 

Clarke spends entirely too long in the tub. When she finally does remove herself the water is tepid and she quickly dries off and covers herself with a silk white robe. She has been quietly thinking the minute Lexa had left her alone in the bathroom. Her scent lingers in the air even over the fragrant lavender oil that was in her tub. She’s acute to it, like her senses can pick out each individual particle and absorb it. Carry it with her always.

 

She thinks about the night before. She thinks about the whole ‘we need to talk’ scenario. She thinks about the flames.

 

The more she thinks about the flames the more she recognizes the burn inside her. It's not painful but making itself more known the more she thinks about it. She tilts her head and bites her lip as she walks to a large candle by the bathroom door. It stands high in its metal holder landing just around her navel at it’s highest. The flame is small but oddly inviting.

 

Clarke loses herself in the flame she sees. It dances and kicks left and right the more she watches. She stares for a long while and the flame seems to get excited. The humming burn inside her mimics the motions and she doesn’t even realize her hand is raised out towards it. She swallows thickly as her fingers get closer to the flame; it tickles and feels hot, the closer she gets it feels like it is burning her. She frowns and pulls it back to suck on her now very sore finger. She looks at it and sees it is slightly enflamed. She lets out a low growl staring back at the candle’s flame.

 

It jumps a couple centimeters higher.

 

She stills and tries to focus on the feeling inside her when that happened. She stares intently at the flame again trying to recreate that feeling.

 

It jumps again.

 

Clarke’s heart starts pumping in excitement and she focuses on retaining that feeling of controlling the hum. This time she raises her hand on purpose and slowly pushes towards the candle. As her hand gets closers she trains her thoughts harder. She is supposed to hold flames and fire, she thinks if she believes hard enough, if she focuses just enough it should not burn her. So she holds her breath and eases closer. This time the heat is like gentle kisses. It’s a soft bath of warmth, tingling as she creeps closer.

 

Finally, she has her palm over the flame and is lowering it slowly concentrating on the flickering light. Her breath hitches as she gets closer to the heat source and the humming grows in her excitement. Her heart is racing now. The tip of the flame is dancing against her palm but it simply feels like a warm tickle compared to the hot burn she knows she should feel. She has a weird lopsided grin plastered on her face in awe of what was happening.

 

Instead of freaking out she focuses harder trying to really understand and observe everything about this situation. She has to learn how to use this energy; she obviously was given it for a reason. She focuses on what she’s feeling inside, the hum travelling from her chest to her belly and her extremities. She’s acutely aware of the flame in front of her as well as the twelve, _no fourteen,_ lit candles in Lexa’s suite. She can hear her blood in her ears and the hum inside.

 

She takes a deep breath and pushes at the flame with her mind; she’s willing it to grow.

 

She’s not disappointed.

 

The flame shoots up, growing in both width and height. The flame spreads out around her hand. The tips flick and lick between her fingers as the flame fans out around her palm. The humming grows and her heart beats even faster. Her eyes are wide in slight shock that it actually worked. Wanheda and Claire are high-fiving somewhere inside her.

 

She screams in alarm when she hears a voice.

 

“Holy fuck. Raven! GET IN HERE.”

 

Octavia startles Clarke, who twitches in surprise and the flames shoot forward as her hand adjusted over the now large flame. It spurts forward with a startling force and immediately burns into the wooden table in front of her. The table ignites quickly increasing the heat in front of her and Clarke jumps back in surprise moving away from the candle and lit table. Only this time the flame doesn’t stay there. It leaves its wick and follows Clarke’s palm.

 

She yells in shock at the magnetic flame. She flicks her wrist and accidentally sends a rush of the flame towards the curtains of the window. They ignite too and the room has erupted in shock and yells from Raven and Octavia behind her. She panics and flicks her wrist another time wishing she could let go of the flame; it only sends out another burst with her motions now igniting the doorframe. The flames in the room are rising and Clarke’s hum inside is taking control of her slightly.

 

“Get out of here!” She shouts with a warning glance at her friends trying to keep her hand steady this time. The two of them were trying to fill a bucket with water from Clarke’s bath. She is concerned for their safety. She is a huge danger right now. The room is _literally_ on fire. “Go! NOW!” She bellows trying to keep her palm still as the flame in her hand flickers and flares with her rising worry. She turns her palm so it's facing the ceiling instead of in front of her the larger flame cradled as if the skin is it's wick.

 

Her friends quickly run out of the room with reluctant looks on their faces and silent protest. Clarke looks back to the flame and holds her palm very still to prevent shooting it off again. She’s staring at it intently and ignoring the other flames around her. They are slowly eating away at the wood in front and beside her; they are licking the cement walls leaving burnt traces behind them. She should be able to feel them, it should be unbearably hot in the room but it’s not.

 

Not to her. 

 

She continues to stare at her hand. She needs to let go of the flame. She doesn’t know how to disengage it from her palm. She didn’t mean to take it from the candle in the first place.

 

 _Holy fuck._ She’s going to burn down the Polis tower.

 

The flame rages with her panic.

 

“Breathe Clarke,” Lexa’s voice fills her ears like honey. It rips between the sound of flames and blood to her head. It instantly washes over her aided by the warm hand on her shoulder.

 

“L-L-Lexa, you need to go." She stutters out shakily. Her voice is dry and cracked, "It’s not safe. _I’m_ not safe.” 

 

The brunette simply moves her hand to Clarke’s side and then around her belly along with the other arm. Her head rests on Clarke’s shoulder and that’s when Clarke realizes Lexa is glowing. Her little bubble is up, she is safe from the flames, and her energy instantly soothes Clarke. She feels her control and resolve coming back to her as her panic subsides. The humming is becoming manageable, it is no longer driving her, and she is beginning to drive it. The flame in her hand dances for them. Lexa’s energy is powerful, it fuels the flames inside her but it can also calm them. It’s a delicate balance Clarke is beginning to understand.

 

They continue to ignore the flames growing from the fires Clarke set.

 

“Do not try and _lose_ the flame Clarke, _take_ the flame.” the brunette murmurs and kisses her bare neck around the silk robe. “It is inside of you. It is a part of you like my energy. You cannot force yourself to part from it. Focus on absorbing it back where it came from. _Take_ _it_.”

 

“Lexa, it came from that candle that is currently a puddle of wax,” Clarke huffs quietly. The brunette squeezes her hipbones now in response but her chest is still flush with Clarke's back.

 

“Trust me,” Lexa whispers and Clarke takes a deep breath.

 

A long time ago, or what seems like a very long time ago, that would have been impossible for Clarke. After the mountain, she thought she would never trust Lexa again, never care for her, never be with her, or hope for a future together. Trust was something she had given her freely before the mountain, something perhaps she should have been more careful with. But she can’t find a bone inside herself now that distrusts the woman holding her close. 

 

So she focuses harder.

 

She trusts Lexa’s words and instruction.

 

The brunette had an upper hand, she obviously understood to a deeper extent what was happening with their bodies than Clarke right now. Lexa was quickly gaining more and more control over her gift. If Lexa says the flames originate in Clarke, then fuck, Clarke believes her.

 

She glares at the flame and furrows her brow in concentration; her tongue darts out as she focuses. She envisions herself soaking in the flame as if it’s water. She tries to believe she is slowly pulling the heat and spark through her palm and up her arm back to her ever beating heart.

 

The flame in her hand begins to shrink. It doesn’t die but it is now small, manageable, the size of a ball in her palm. She smiles as she feels total control course within her at her triumph. She instinctually snaps her hand closed and the flame retreats inside her. Like a soft burn of alcohol she can feel it's hum trickle into her arm towards her chest.

 

She goes to turn around but Lexa holds her steady. “Well done Clarke,” the blonde feels a warm kiss on her exposed neck before it turns into a small smile. “Now, do you think you could save my bathroom?” Lexa's voice is oddly playful and light considering her precious bathroom suite is on fire.

 

Clarke chuckles as the warm glow of Lexa is encompassing them both while the flames eat away at the wood in the room. “I can try.” She pulls at the brunettes hands on her hips and steps away. Lexa tries to protest but Clarke flashes a smile behind her, “It’s okay, they can’t hurt me.” Confidence is building within her as Lexa reluctantly lets go and steps back. Her soft glow remains around her as Clarke moves closer to the flames.

 

The blonde takes a few deep breaths and focuses again. She concentrates on feeling the energy of the flames, she imagines herself drawing them in towards her with each inhale of breath. When she imagines that she feels full of fire she clenches her eyes shut and opens her arms to her sides, palms up inviting the flames to her. 

 

She feels herself drawing the flames off the walls, she hears a gasp behind her as she opens her eyes again. The world stills, silence fills her ears except for the roar of the flames. She sees a swirling tornado of fire around her. Her hair is flowing, whipping around in the fury of oxygen and flames, it should singe, it should be burning and destroying her but it’s not. It's hugging her from the inside out and the outside in. She feels how much reign she has over the fire and she tries to drink it in one final time. To absorb the flames, to make them hers once more. She thinks hard about getting the flames out of this room.

 

Her hands snap closed along with her eyes and she suddenly feels oddly weightless. The lights of the flames in front of her eyelids disappear for a moment and all she sees is black. When she opens her eyes again she sees the tornado of flames swirling around her before she stifles them out startled when she feels them sink inside her and disappear.

 

She takes a deep breath bringing her hand to her head and wiping the sheen of sweat she felt there. She falls to the ground physically and mentally exhausted. She’s dizzy like she has whiplash. This is nothing like how she felt when she put the flame out in her hand.

 

That’s when Clarke realizes she’s no longer in the bathroom.

 

The floor beneath her is cobblestone, dirt and cement. She looks around wildly from her position. There is no one around her. She’s in an alley, between two buildings. She can hear the hustle and bustle of people and she looks to her left, a long ways down the alley is the Polis marketplace.

 

Clarke blinks trying to make sense of all of this. The last thing she thought before she came to out here was that the tower was in danger, that Lexa was in danger, that she had to remove the flames from there. She wonders if she really could be that literal…

 

_Maybe she could._

 

She refuses to believe that bathroom situation was a dream. She's not sleepwalking. She doesn’t understand why she would be in this alleyway. She doesn’t remember leaving the tower.

 

 _Jesus Christ_ , she feels a very shockingly cold breeze against her bare ass with silk grazing her butt cheeks. She’s still in her silk bathrobe. Clarke stumbles to her feet and fights back the urge to vomit like she just got off the drop ship after that first hard landing. She has to get back to the tower.

 

_Hopefully unseen._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO yes Clarke can sort of dissaparate (in a way) like Dumblydoorrr because I said so. If you remember the story of Claire she also left the bombed world in a tornado of fire and actually left that universe to find Alex in their next life. 
> 
> History does repeat itself.
> 
> (Yes that was a dig at tropes as well as hinting at shit to come)  
> *sly grin*


	13. The Walk of Shame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had fun with just everything about this chapter tbh.  
> *When Lexa comes into the room picture the GIF from Community where Troy comes back to the apartment with pizza to find it going to hell.* It happened just like that even if I don't think I quite captured it that way. Okay? Good.
> 
> THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT YA TRASH-HOLES. I love you all!!!

Lexa is seated in her throne room speaking with Luna about Titus. They are waiting for Ziva to join them. They have been speaking in hushed tones and careful whispers. "Have your best scout on him at all times from here on out." Lexa tells her. "Remember I do not want him to know they are there."

 

"Sha," Luna nods. "Our people flow through the lands like boats on the water Lexa. They will stay on course and silent-"

 

Her words are cut off abruptly when a startled shout from the floor above interrupts them. They are lingering in from the balcony, drifting in from the open balcony doors above them. Her room. Their room. The room Clarke is in.

 

She takes a quick sharp breath, she needs to finish this first before she can investigate. So she quickly rushes through her orders for the woman, "Someone hidden in plain sight will be best. Two someones if you can spare the men. Go now." She's already moving towards the door leaving Luna behind her to follow through on her requests.

 

She decides on the stairs because the elevator is ungodly slow and it's only one flight. She can't feel any pain from Clarke but she definitely feels panic coursing through her. Whatever is going on in that room is intense to say the least. She's running at top speed and taking the stairs three at a time.

 

When she opens the door and hurries into the room the sight before her is _quite_ different from the calm serenity she left Clarke in.

 

She finds Raven and Octavia moving at a confusingly dizzy pace although they don't seem to be doing anything remotely productive. When Octavia finally registers that Lexa has entered the room it seems to spur Octavia into a more useful action. She is quickly rushing passed her and into the hallway muttering about water and an apparent need for 'fucking extinguishers'. Raven is still pacing and clenching her fists frantically by the open bathroom door. Lexa quickly rushes closer with her breath caught in her throat.

 

There is bright light coming from the bathroom. An unmistakeable flash and flickering of flames. Lexa knows them well. She can feel the heat from them and she can see Clarke facing the window.

 

Panic of her own floods her as she closes in to the bathroom, but what she sees has her understanding why she couldn't sense any pain from Clarke. The blonde looks panicked and shaky, but other than that her body is radiant and unharmed as flames climb along the walls and fixtures. And Lexa understands what's happening as soon as she sees the spitting flame in Clarke's palm. Her panic leaves her as relief floods her.

 

Lexa sighs.

 

There's the smallest smirk creeping to her lips as the relief she felt is quickly replaced with the obscene urge to laugh at Clarke's current predicament. The blonde had shaken her wrist and sent a new wave of flames out igniting a fresh set of wood.

 

Lexa quickly set her energy around her and entered her ruined bathroom. It was obvious the blonde was trying (and failing) to rid herself of the flame and needed help. So Lexa does what she does best and moves to protect and aid her love.

 

When Clarke ends up leaving her embrace to try and stop the flames from eating the rest of her suite she gasps at what happens.   

 

“CLARKE!!” Lexa’s scream fills the bathroom, she can't help it. She was expecting the flames to just die out like it had done in Clarke's palm.

 

But _this --_ this was entirely different.

 

She can't help but panic when she sees the flames peel from their paths of destruction and slink towards Clarke. The flames dance away from the walls and the wood like liquid to encircle around Clarke.

 

They swirl and dance around her while Lexa is powerless to move. She is frozen in fear. The roar of the flames is deafening, the screams escaping her are futile. They simply draw a crowd from Raven and a returned Octavia, who are both holding spilling buckets of water. They’re frozen in shock as well, mouths open and eyes wide.

 

Clarke gestures with her hands and the flames seem to brighten. They immediately swirl around her faster like a flaming tornado. The flames and the new level of brightness forces Lexa to flinch on instinct.

 

Then it’s gone.

 

The roar is missing, the light from the flames is gone and her eyes are opening. Her mouth drops, her shield fades, her heart stops.

 

Clarke and the flames are gone.

 

The only light in the room comes from the daylight streaming in from the window and doorway. There’s a faint trace of smoke coming from where the flames used to be.

 

She’s moving forward to where the blonde was standing as if she’ll find her if she moves closer. She looks around the floor and she sees an untouched circle where Clarke had stood. All around that circle, the flames had licked and burned sooty black streaks against the concrete. The design was oddly beautiful. The stain of destruction, the only evidence that Clarke had been there. The wooden tables were ash. The curtains were gone, replaced by black stains up the wall. The wooden fixtures were singed or crumbling into black and grey dust.

 

“Clarke?” Lexa whispers in disbelief. There’s no tears forming, it's like her body forgot how to function. There is just complete and utter shock. She is stunned.

 

Their two friends drop the buckets and enter the bathroom. They too are trying to understand what just happened. Raven comes to stand beside Lexa, observing the evidence of Clarke's disappearance on the floor and the surroundings. Words have failed them. She simply shares a look with Lexa and shrugs.

 

Silence surrounds them until Octavia swears pulling a hand back from the black markings on the wall and says, "The wall is still hot."

 

It’s a good ten minutes before any of them speak again. No one left the bathroom.

 

“So, where did she go?” Octavia says quietly.

 

Lexa sighs, somewhat annoyed and rubs her temple, “If I knew that I would not be here with you two, I assure you.”

 

“Do you think she’s okay?”

 

“She has to be.” Lexa says sternly. “She was in control of that to some extent. She was confident, I could feel it. I just expected her to remain in the room. This was…unexpected.”

 

“I feel like that’s the understatement of the year,” Raven says with a snort and a smirk.

 

“Year’s not over yet,” Octavia muttered flashing her own playful grin towards her girlfriend. It may be a challenge.

 

Lexa hushes them and shuts her eyes reaching out to sense her blonde counterpart. It takes a few seconds to get passed her own feelings before she finds her, wherever she is. She breathes out heavily releasing some tension, “I was right, she is okay. Just confused, slightly panicked.”

 

“I don’t blame her,” Raven says scratching the back of her neck.

 

“Go find her Octavia, have Ryder search as well.” Lexa requests but also orders.

 

The young warrior nods, “You got it.”

 

She’s out of the room before Lexa even looks at Raven. “So genius little bird, wanna take a crack at explaining this?” The two leave the smokey bathroom and head to the main room.

 

Raven laughs, still slightly shocked and disbelieving, “I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

 

“Try,” Lexa requests now pacing behind the couch. She won't be able to relax until she actually _sees_ that Clarke is okay.

 

Raven huffs and plops down on the couch. Her feet are up along the length of it and her head is on the arm rest. “You know, sometimes I regret telling you all how smart I am.”

 

Lexa shoots her a look complete with disbelieving raised eyebrows.

 

“Okay maybe I don’t,” Raven amends with a grin and a wink. “But I do need time to process this before I am willing to even take a crack at understanding it. Plus, I’d like to speak with Clarke about it first.”

 

“You think this can be explained by a scientific mind?” Lexa asks quietly.

 

“No. Not a chance in hell, _but_ I don’t want to explain it. I want to try to understand it.”

 

“Is there a difference?”

 

“Yes. Explaining it means I have to have something else to go on, something to compare. Perhaps some more evidence to show you. Explaining it will be next to impossible, _lezbehonest,"_ she quips to earning an eye roll from Lexa. "But, _understanding_ it extends as far as we choose to dig. Understanding what happened or led to it happening is something concrete enough for me to work with to at least hypothesize what the fuck that was.”

 

Lexa sighs and rubs her eyes, “I need some air.”

 

She leaves a silent Raven behind her. She walks straight onto the balcony. The morning sun greets her skin, the cold winter air kisses her face and she looks out at the city below her. Her people are going about their day, there is no event causing them to cry out in shock. She deduces that they have not seen Clarke appear in flames. She wonders where in the world she is. She decides to stay as close as possible to this room for as long as possible. Clarke would surely come back here first... 

 

Lexa remains on the balcony for some time. She pushes her next meeting back to the afternoon while waiting for some news of Clarke. She’s shutting her eyes and reaching out to her, she’s trying to signal her that she is here waiting for her, wherever she is. She looks calm but she is definitely _not._ Right now she is definitely grateful for her stoic Heda training.  _Conceal don't feel._ Or at least wait.

 

Raven, however, is sitting on the couch humming softly and flipping through a book. She is seemingly calmer and quite content to wait for Clarke to find her way back.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke is kind of cold.

 

A frigid breeze swings against her again reminding her that that would be an understatement.

 

She is _extremely_ cold.

 

She has no shoes on, wet hair and she is naked beneath her thin white silk robe. Her nipples could cut glass and she is trying to sneak her way back into the tower without being seen.

 

“This is like some twisted walk of shame,” she mutters to herself while making her way out of the second alley she had been forced to duck into.

 

She shivers in the cold morning air and swallows the vomit that the dizziness is causing. She feels so incredibly tired that it is all she can do to remain upright on her legs. She won’t dare try to use her energy to get her back inside, she can’t even think about how it got her outside in the first place.

 

She grips the wall with one hand to steady herself during this particular wave of nausea. She spits out the excess saliva from the gag reflex and wipes her mouth on her sleeve.

 

When there is an opening in the thin crowd she darts out once more. She stumbles when she steps on a particularly violent pebble. She curses it behind her, hopping slightly through the pain. She can feel the thin robe grazing against her butt cheeks while she does so. She _really_ hates her dumb luck.

 

She ducks behind a cart as her embarrassment in her revealing robe is creeping further inside her. Each step causes the weirdest sensation as the cold air licks at her sensitive skin that lies below her navel and beyond.  _Are we sure the universe doesn't hate me?_ She wonders looking around with flushed cheeks.

 

Most people don’t know Wanheda is alive - let alone in the city - and here she is, just having a stroll in a skimpy bathrobe.

 

 _“Fuck,”_ Clarke mutters having to stop and rest beside a stall. She puts her head against the cold wood and takes a deep breath. She shakes her head slightly trying to clear the increasing fog she feels and moves again towards the back of the tower. She quickens her pace as much she can manage. The pads of her bare feet are gently slapping against the frozen cobblestones.

 

Finally, she reaches the back of the tower avoiding a small crowd at the back corner.

 

She slips through an exit Lexa had shown her during their last visit. There are a few guards stationed outside it like always but they're hidden rather well. They are meant to keep the passage safe but not obvious. She’s sure they can see her but they don’t seem to really mind the skimpy attire. Some are actually eyeing her with lustful eyes. She flushes red a little more and curses her fucking luck one more time as she skirts through the opening and down the hallway towards the elevator.

 

She's _almost_ there. She's  _almost_ out of the danger zone. She's _almost_ back to safety as she battling the fresh wave of dizziness.

 

That's when the voice freezes her. She sighs heavily and her shoulders droop.

 

"We heard a shout coming from Lexa's room." The voice is cold and detached but got stronger as the sentence ended.

 

And Clarke decides she hates the word _almost._

 

“I am wondering why a shout would come from there and I find you here so soon after."

 

 “Luna,” Clarke says quietly. Her embarrassment grows immensely because she just met this woman yesterday.

 

“Where are you coming from,” Luna asks her and there is an edge to her voice that catches Clarke off guard.

 

The blonde turns to face her. Clarke furrows her brow and looks around the hallway, still super aware of just how naked she is under the robe. “I am coming from outside,” Clarke gives her the simple answer and takes a small step backwards towards the elevator.

 

"Is it customary for SkaiKru to walk around in such revealing garments so early in the morning _and_ in winter?” Luna narrows her eyes at Clarke who (if possible) blushes even harder.

 

When Clarke doesn't say anything and tries to turn to head to elevator she is pulled backwards with force by a strong firm hand. The grip is painful and she grunts as the grip firms up when she tries to shake it loose, “Luna. What the fuck-”

 

“I cannot _believe_ this!" Luna cuts her off with a violent shake. "I thought you would be good for her!” Luna is raising her voice and spitting venom. “She is _so_ in love with you and _this_ is how you repay that? _She deserves better than that!_ ” Her rage is boiling, her eyes are fierce. Clarke is feeling _very_ threatened and _very_ confused under the the hateful gaze.

 

“Wait. What?”

 

“Don’t play dumb with me Clarke, you're better than _that!_ Look at you! You are _barely_ trying to hide it!” Luna's eyes rove over her barely covered body in disgust.

 

“Hide what?” Clarke shoves Luna off her and she clutches to the fabric that threatened to let loose her left breast. A new wave of redness creeps along her skin. “Stop it." Her brain has caught up to the situation and unsaid accusation, "You think I am _cheating_ on Lexa?”

 

And Clarke could laugh. My fuck, could she ever laugh about this.

 

She could be hysterical at the thought. To even imply that such a thing were possible at this point is a laugh riot to the blonde.

 

Or it would be anyways - _if_ this situation didn’t suck as much dick as it currently did. Their little conversation had already earned a few prying eyes, Clarke huffed in annoyance and far too much embarrassment when she saw the heads poking out along the hall. "Not here," the blonde hissed.

 

This time, Clarke gripped Luna by the arm and tugged her towards the elevator. The tall woman pulled her arm from the blonde’s grasp but followed anyways obviously understanding that they should quit making a scene.

 

When the elevator door is closed behind them and they are finally alone Clarke _does_ begin to laugh. She can't help it. She's laughing at the whole stupid situation: landing in nothing but a bathrobe in the middle of the city as well as Luna thinking Clarke could be unfaithful to Lexa. Not to mention she feels slightly delirious as her head is swimming and she is so tired. But she can't help but laugh. Her fucking luck, she even slaps her forehead and immediately regrets it as a fresh wave of dizziness ensues.

 

Luna is the polar opposite at this moment. Her face is hard as stone and could quite possibly kill if given the chance. She is totally convinced Clarke just came from an evening dalliance. She believes she caught Clarke in a literal walk of shame.

 

“This is not remotely funny,” Luna states firmly through tight lips.

 

Clarke sobers up a bit at her tone and glare, or maybe it was the tight grip on her bicep.

 

The blonde quickly explains as best she can what happened to a very skeptical looking Luna. She agreed to join Clarke to the room just to see the proof that Lexa was aware of the situation. Clarke heard the blunt words unspoken: “to find out if you’re lying.”

 

They are greeted at the top floor by a panting, gasping, red faced Octavia. Clarke hurries out to her and rubs her back trying to help her muscles ease so she can catch her breath. “Did you run up the back stairs?”

 

Octavia nods, “Was told. You. On Way. Up.” She says through gasps of air. Clarke laughs again lightly before she is forced to stop by a new wave of dizziness. Luna and Octavia both instinctively help her when she sways.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whipped the last two chapters out of my ass along with this one and the next :)
> 
> And like...I like them.  
> I scare myself.


	14. We Need to Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More developments. Lots of dialogue. This is a very large chapter for me so you better fucking like it.

 

“I found her!” Octavia shouts still slightly winded when she enters Clarke and Lexa’s room.

 

“ _You_  found her?” Luna questioned as she entered the room behind the younger warrior. "That's not how I remember it," she teases.

 

Lexa had reentered the room from her post on the balcony and was keenly looking past the two for Clarke. As soon as she saw her sunshine hair she was rushing forward and wrapping her arms around her. Heda was left behind and Lexa was finally breathing properly again. She was kissing her hair, her forehead, her temple, and her jaw with grabby hands before she pulled Clarke tight to her chest.

 

“I’m okay Lex,” Clarke whispers with a soft chuckle hugging her back. “Just a bit tired and dizzy,” she confesses into sweet smelling brown curls.

 

Lexa squeezes her a little tighter before nodding and stepping back to guide her to the couch. "Fly away little bird," she kicks at Raven’s legs, which are still sprawled out on the length of the couch. The mechanic gives her a tight pinched scowl while she moves her feet to make room and Lexa returns it playfully.

 

Once Clarke is seated Lexa stands beside her like a guard at attention in case she needs anything. Clarke is quite pale looking and her breathing isn't quite right. They give her a minute or two before the blonde explains _exactly_ what she experienced in the bathroom before she disappeared. The room is silent except for slight curses in disbelief and soft breaths during her retelling.

 

“Anyways, I ended up in the alley.” Clarke looks at Lexa, “You know the one.” Lexa's mouth twitches and she nods catching on. She was speaking about the alley Clarke had pressed a knife to the brunette's throat in. It seemed so long ago now. “The flames were still there when I opened my eyes, then they disappeared and I figured out where I was.”

 

“How do you feel? How did it feel?” Raven asks rather curiously. She is buzzing excitedly.

 

“Well, it felt great _until_ it didn't. I feel sick. I feel extremely tired, which I am going to chalk up to using the energy…” The blonde sighs and shivers. Lexa immediately pulls a fur from the bed to place around her shoulders.

 

“And the dizziness?” Lexa asks concerned tucking the blanket in around the blonde’s feet now, which are curled up on the couch beside Raven.

 

Clarke frowns thinking about how to explain it, “It’s like a bad case of whiplash.”

 

“Like you were struck with a whip?” Lexa asks confused as to how that goes with dizziness. Her eyes rove Clarke instinctively as if looking for lashes through the fur.

 

Raven laughs and answers for Clarke, “Not in the literal sense Lexa. It’s more of a term used to describe an injury from a sudden impact or jolt to the head or neck.”

 

Luna who had been uncharacteristically quiet during this finally spoke, “You are dizzy because you disappeared from one place to form in another?” Her tone was soft but Lexa noted the hint of disbelief.

 

“Luna it happened. She was there and then she was gone.”

 

“Well I would like to see it, Lexa.”

 

The blonde interrupts the bickering, “Maybe later Luna, when I don’t feel like breathing is going to kill me and my head stops spinning.”

 

That wasn't good enough. Luna pressed, “So you’re telling me your blood sharing not only caused the Earth to shake but also gave you…abilities?” Luna looks between the two.

 

“I told you of our energies yesterday Luna, you seemed to believe.” Lexa eyes her with a raised brow.

 

Luna huffs at her and crosses her arms. “The same way I believe the spirits exist yes, but to see proof would be…undeniable,” Luna smirks.

 

Lexa sighs and shuts her eyes resigning herself to give Luna what she wants.

 

She feels the hum of energy inside her, she captures it, she lets it grow. She focuses and feels her energy leave her body an encompass her. Luna’s eyes go wide at the sight and all but Clarke take a soft gasp. Lexa pulled the shield up with no trigger, no threat. She controlled it, bidding it to work for her.

 

And when Lexa opened her eyes she was inspired and perhaps filled with the desire to show off a bit. She was giddy to know she and Clarke both were getting a better handle on this. So she figured she may as well try to see what she could do now that she understood how to access it. She looked at the blonde and focused. She felt the love for her billowing and growing inside her, dancing with the humming energy and she envisions herself pushing it to Clarke.

 

The glow left Lexa and transferred to Clarke shrouding her in its warmth. The blonde sighed as it hugged her warmly. She ogled her arms in the glow before she looked at Lexa with so much love and pride it almost hurt. Her blue eyes were shining brilliantly bright in the soft sheen of light. But it was the radiant smile that followed that had Lexa surging forward to place a heated kiss on her lips. She swears she heard Clarke's lion heart roar for her.

 

The blonde laughed happily at the display after the kiss and pulled her in beside her to the couch. Lexa placed an arm around her shoulder and Clarke instantly melted to her side. Perfectly molding their bodies to be as close as possible.

 

“You guys are gross,” Octavia quipped coming to sit on Raven's lap. She pecked her on the cheek and earned a playful tickle from the mechanic. She loved to see Octavia smile and she was fucking good at creating it. Don't fight her on that you will lose.

 

Clarke hummed happily and intertwined her fingers with the hand around her shoulder. She looked up to see the three other women staring at them with different faces as Lexa’s energy now encircled the two of them.

 

Raven, on the other side of Clarke, was amused beyond belief as she was now pushing her hand into the light and back out. She was clearly amazed to see she wasn’t being burned this time and she was able to pass through it. She grinned stupidly, Lexa was allowing her into her bubble. To Raven, it felt like pushing through a thick wall of fog or smoke but it was warm, tingly and soothing. Fucking powerfully calming and safe actually. So she happily continued in silence now ignoring the others. Octavia was grinning cockily on her lap, one arm hung loose around her shoulders and banging the fuck out of Raven with her eyes as the mechanic kept moving her hand through the light.

 

But it was Luna's face that made Clarke’s heart tingle.

 

The tall woman was actually smiling so wide now. Brilliant white teeth stretched ear to ear at them. Her eyes were brimming with unshed tears. Those rich brown eyes were a story all their own. In them, Clarke saw the love and pride she had for Lexa, the sadness and heartbreak she held for Costia and most importantly, acceptance of Clarke as Lexa’s future.

 

 _Acceptance_.

 

The blonde did not realize she was searching for it from Luna until she had it. But she did, as soon as she heard she was Costia's sister she was craving it. And there it was; now clear as day and better than any words the blonde could hope to hear -- it was all in her eyes. 

 

Clarke’s heart swelled. She was already feeling recharged just from being in Lexa’s presence. Her head was feeling better and the hum did not feel like it was too much like it had when she had found herself in the alley. She didn't feel sick anymore. _Thank fuck._ Lexa was her safety blanket. Her balance. Her place to recharge, remember and relax. Lexa can excite Clarke to the point where she may explode but she can calm her with a simple touch or whisper, sometimes just good old fashioned eye contact. Lexa was the bringer of the flames and the one to douse the fire. 

 

It's a total contradiction and yet it's not.

 

 

She's slightly in awe of everything. Clarke's fire, she has no doubt, is the product of _their_ love. The people in this room were witnessing something so deep and rare she is unsure they truly understand. It's more than pure love and devotion, it's a connection so deep and weaved together so tight that it would be impossible to break. 

 

 

She squeezed Lexa’s hand before she stood up. Clarke gave the brunette a soft smile assuring her she was okay and Lexa let her shield down when she returned it. Their fingers tingled and the sparks ran between them as their hands lingered until the very last touch as Clarke made her way to Luna.

 

She smiled warmly and hugged the taller woman who stiffened in surprise before she melted around Clarke and pulled her closer. She smelled of water and honey. Delicate but strong. Her hug was warm and inviting, the arms that wrapped around her were strong and muscular just like the torso. When Clarke pulled back Luna gave her a small smile and wiped her tears from her cheeks. Clarke grinned at her and stepped back. She held out her palm and stared at it silently asking Luna to do the same.

 

Clarke focused while Luna trained her eyes to the blonde's palm.

 

Clarke took a deep breath soaking in the strength she had gained back already. A small flame ignited in her palm earning her a small gasp from Luna. The woman did not hesitate to reach out to touch the flame and pulled back instantly when she felt it too hot to touch. “That is incredible,” she whispered unable to look away.

 

Lexa snorted and rolled her eyes. Luna kept her eyes on the flame and quickly flipped her off in response. Clarke smiled at their antics and focused again growing the flame. Then, she snapped her hand shut snuffing it out and drawing it back inside.

 

She feels pride swarm inside her from both herself and Lexa. She’s done it.

 

She’s proven it to herself this morning...

 

Clarke Griffin  _literally_  holds flame and fire.

 

* * *

  

 

The women had left Clarke to take a nap while Lexa attended the meeting she had pushed back from the morning. It was about the winter festival and feast so she wasn’t in an overly poor mood when she returned to their room.

 

She found Clarke on the couch nibbling on a snack and drawing in her sketchbook. “Hey,” she sighed dreamily putting the book on the floor when she saw Lexa.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa returned coming to kiss her forehead and earning a hum of contentment from Clarke. The blonde reached out adjusting her legs, and pulled Lexa to lie on top of her. They settled easily. Clarke with her head on the armrest, Lexa with her head on her chest and Clarke arms around her as some of Lexa’s body slipped between Clarke and the back of the couch. They stayed quiet for a few minutes just taking each other in. Happy. Lexa had her eyes closed as she listened to Clarke’s heartbeat with a smile on her face.

 

 

Safe. Strong. Inviting. Protective.

 

 

As Clarke begins to stroke gentle fingers into Lexa’s hair the brunette hums and relaxes even more at the touch. She is completely pliable in the arms of the blonde. Clarke chuckles softly and leans her head forward to kiss the crown of her head.

 

“So, did you want to have that talk now?” She asks softly and somewhat reluctantly, afraid to ruin the moment or upset the brunette. Lexa sighs and agrees but when she tries to sit up she is held firm in her position. “No. Can we just do it like this. _Beja_?” Clarke requests in a soft rasp.

 

Lexa grins against her chest resettling in her position. Like she is going to complain or deny Clarke this. She literally could not think of anywhere else she would ever want to be.

 

A small silence ensues and Lexa can tell immediately that the mood, despite their contentment in each other's arms, is slightly tense now. She can feel Clarke’s tremble underneath her and she senses her nervousness coming from her. “Do you want me to start with the lighter or darker topics?”

 

“Bad news first,” the blonde sighs but her hand begins stroking Lexa’s hair again.

 

“Well, I don't consider this news but I get what you were trying to say. First things first, we need to talk about the Delphi delegate you went to see last night.” It's very strange to be speaking of matters of the coalition in this position but she is definitely not complaining.

 

“I figured.”

 

Lexa chuckled at her dry comment, “I understand why you went down there Clarke. But do you see how it was not your place?”

 

The blonde bites her lip, “Maybe.” She does. She totally does. And her playing ignorant is getting her nowhere.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa scolds gently.

 

“Yes. Okay I know, I overstepped the line there. I just wasn’t really thinking.” It's such a lame excuse but it's all she's got.

 

“Clearly," Lexa says slightly annoyed. And then she softens, "Maybe a part of that is my fault. I take some responsibility; maybe I should have gone after you when you left the throne room. I could feel how worked up you were. I shou-”

 

“You can’t blame yourself for my decisions and actions Lexa.” The blonde cuts her off sternly. “That’s not how this works. That’s not a relationship I want to be part of. That’s _not_ us. Do you hear me? Besides, you saying _'maybe'_ tells me you know all this already. It's not my job to babysit you, it’s not your job to babysit me. If I’m to be the leader our people require I need to act like it. That man in Titus's _playroom_ is yours to deal with, I won’t be interfering with that again.” She knows Lexa will fill her in if she needs to know anything else.

 

Lexa turned her head to look up at the blonde. She smiled with pride. “Clarke, you _are_ the leader our people need you to be.” She rubbed her hand on Clarke’s chest, “You just proved it. You made a mistake; you own it as your own and you are already learning from it, working to better yourself and seeing your missteps. I unintentionally gave you an out by trying to alleviate your guilt by making it my own and you wouldn’t let me.” Her tone was strong but there was an undertone that wasn't missed by the blonde.

 

“You say that like you’re going somewhere with this?” Clarke looked at her trying to find where she was heading.

 

“Do you know what Titus’s role is?”

 

The blonde frowns, “I wasn’t really expecting him to come up at this moment…”

 

“Answer the question Clarke.”

 

The blonde shrugs, “He preserves your legacy of Natblida’s by helping train them to lead. He’s an advisor to you?”

 

Lexa sighs, “Yes, but his role is more extensive than that. The flamekeeper is meant to light the pyre when the commander dies. They perform the death ceremony to send the commander’s spirit off for new life. He also performs the ritual of ascension. It is a circle that has passed on for decades; the flamekeeper begins the commander’s reign and ends it. Remember how I told you flames signify new life in our culture?”

 

“That does makes sense now,” Clarke admits. “I just didn’t realize his was such a literal title.”

 

Lexa shakes her head lightly against her chest. “The keeper is also the one to find the Nightbloods to be brought here. Titus helps  _raise_  them - he _raised_ me. He passes on our traditions and educates us. His lessons are important to make us great leaders…”

 

“But?” Clarke asks with a little squeeze, “I am sensing a very large ‘but’ in there Lex.”

 

“But," she lets it linger a moment, "I question his teachings now. I am questioning a lot of things about him to be truthful.”

 

Clarke rubs her back, “What do you mean?”

 

“He is stuck in the past. He is trapped in our traditions so tightly that he cannot see the world has changed. Honestly, you have taught me more in the last six months than he has my entire life in Polis.”

 

Clarke is stunned at the reverence and truth in her voice. She swallows the lump in her throat and blinks at the tears that began to form in her eyes. She kisses the top of Lexa’s head because she doesn't know what to say to that. Lexa picks up on it and squeezes her a little tighter.

 

“There's more,” Lexa takes a steadying breath. She’s extremely unsure about how this next part is going to go over with Clarke. “Since no Heda has ever taken a second he also rules in my stead when I am away from the capitol unless it absolutely requires me.”

 

“I am beginning to understand why you hate being away from here so much. It has very little to do with it being ‘home’ to you doesn’t it?”

 

“ _You_ are home to me Clarke. But yes, that is why. I am beginning to trust him less and less.” She wriggles loose from Clarke’s hold and sits up to face her properly. She's still laying down but perched better above her with one arm bracing her weight. She takes a breath, “I may have done something behind your back.”

 

Clarke narrows her eyes, “Like what?” Her voice is slightly dangerous.

 

“I told him when we have our union, when it’s official, that task to lead in my stead will lie in your hands.” Lexa looks into the blue eyes ready for any lashing out. She knows the weight of what she has placed on Clarke with this. They hadn’t discussed this at all, this was something Lexa felt _had_ to be done.

 

“You made this decision without me,” Clarke gently scolds her.

 

Lexa ducks her head, “And I apologize Clarke. I should have discussed it with you, asked if it is something you wished to take on. The only person I have told it Titus, so it is by no means final until I make it so. You do have a say.”

 

“You think this is going to go over well with everyone?”

 

“I think it would be hard to refute Wanheda is as capable to lead as I am Clarke. Don’t forget all you have accomplished. Plus, you have blackblood now so that _could_ work in our favour, technically you have the potential to be Heda. In normal unions the warrior in the family leaves the spouse in charge to protect the homestead, everything is shared between the two. I do not see this to be any different. I have seen your leadership from day one.”

 

Clarke rubs her eyes and surprises Lexa with a coy smile, “You know. All your lessons before and after the mountain are starting to make more sense. I feel like you were grooming me.”

 

“No grooming, just recognizing greatness. You were born for this Clarke. I am just trying to get you to realize it.”

 

The blonde smirks and her eyes shine bright. Her heart pumps loudly with pride.

 

“So? What do you think?” Lexa asks with raised eyebrows.

 

And god, her voice is so light and hopeful that Clarke couldn’t disagree if she wanted to. “To be honest, I am not surprised that you have that much faith in me Lexa. You have always been the one to tell me I was made for more, never doubting me. Always challenging me to be better. _Making_ me want to be better, to be worth your effort and lessons.” She admits the last part quietly a little ashamed that she revealed that particular vulnerability.

 

“Is that a yes?”

 

Clarke pauses because she is literally stepping in to an even bigger leadership role if she does this.

 

She takes a deep breath. “Sha Heda, I will do this for you,” her tone is strong and as authoritative as she can muster, she wants her to know she takes this seriously. Then Clarke smiles and softens her tone, “Lexa, I meant it when I said that you were not alone. You’re never alone; you will always have me. We’re in this together.” She would help Lexa lead even without this being officially on her shoulders but the fact that Lexa wished it to be public knowledge was gigantic. The heaviness of what just happened was not lost on either of them.

 

Lexa adjusts on top of Clarke and connects their lips. The kiss is heavy and deep just like the talk. One hand from each woman cups the other’s cheek as if to caress it away.

 

When Lexa finally pulls back she flutters her eyelids open and smiles at Clarke. “So...keeping this all in mind and learning from _my_ mistakes -- there is something else I wish to discuss with you.”

 

“Why stop now,” the blonde says dryly and earns a playful nudge from Lexa.

 

“I wish to have you join the Natblida’s lessons. Not because you need it but because I want you to watch Titus. I want you to listen to his teachings and make your own decisions about him. I value your opinion Clarke and your mind is strong and able enough to keep him from bending it to his way of thinking. The Natblida’s are young and impressionable, I want to know _exactly_ what he is teaching them. Would you do that for me?” She is asking for both her sake and Clarke’s. She needs this information but doing this will also help Clarke understand more about Natblida life.

 

Clarke narrows her eyes; “You want to remove him as flamekeeper.” It’s not a question; the blonde has simply caught up to what Lexa is not saying.

 

The brunette nods, “I won’t do it unjustly and based on suspicion. I know he has some value in his teachings though I do not agree with a lot of them anymore…”

 

“Does he have a replacement? An apprentice? I mean, I think my thoughts on him are pretty obvious,” Clarke quips.

 

Lexa shakes her head. “No, that is another thing I wish to discuss with you.” Clarke waits. This time she is going to make Lexa say whatever it is she seems to be hesitating on. Lexa takes a deep breath and looks straight into Clarke’s eyes, “I think that you would be a good replacement.”

 

“Me?”

 

“Yes,” Lexa replies like it’s the easiest thing in the world.

 

And for some reason this role seems larger and more daunting than being a stand in Heda in Polis. She knows why. It’s the children.

 

“Lexa…I don’t even know where to start with that.” Clarke shakes her head and stares at her.

 

“I know it is a lot to ask Clarke. I am not looking for an answer today. This is all very hypothetical at the moment.”

 

 _At the moment,_ Clarke internally scoffs. She knows how quickly that could change. “They are kids Lexa, _kids._ You want me to raise them? Help you groom them to lead? For Christ’s sakes I’m eighteen, I was a kid like three years ago.”

 

“Clarke, you are wise beyond your years. I am your elder and you are teaching me new things every day. You have made me a better leader and person, and _that_ is what I need for the next commander. I need someone who is ready for this new world, who can uphold the values you and I share. Someone to carry our hopes into the future long after we are gone. I can't teach them what they need to know, not without you.” Lexa looks at Clarke with so much love in her eyes that the tears fall out of Clarke’s. “I want them to know love is not a weakness. I-I need them to know that.”

 

Clarke gives her a sympathetic smile seeing the Lexa's vulnerability before nodding, “Life is about more than just surviving.”

 

“They deserve better than that,” Lexa finishes for her.

 

Clarke sighs and her heart swells for the woman. She pulls her in close resettling her head on her chest. “I’ll join in on the lessons. I’ll watch him for you and …I’ll think about the other part of that. Okay?”

 

“Okay.” That's all she asked.

 

They fall silent and Clarke is fighting the thoughts and worries in her head. She is also feeling a weird sense of _wanting_ to be the flamekeeper, which is completely unexpected.

 

She never thought of herself having kids of her own. She never considered it while on the ark and honestly, she hadn’t had the time to on the ground. But holding on to Lexa makes her want that she realizes. She wants a family. Their family. She’s not sure she wishes to ever be pregnant. To bring a child into a world as harsh as this one isn't something she thinks she wants to subject them to, knowing how death follows her. It's dangerous. But she thinks, maybe, she could help raise the ones that have no choice. She could help the ones predestined for a life of leadership and sacrifice. Maybe, this was the universes way of giving her and Lexa their very own family.

 

Clarke swallows her thoughts. She thinks that that may be something that requires longer than thirty seconds worth of thought. She’s glad she told Lexa she would think about it. She’s grateful she didn’t give her a timeframe or deadline.

 

“While we’re here is there anything else?” Clarke asks through a bit of a dry throat.

 

Lexa sighs, “Nothing pressing or as important as all this. But the winter festival is in a few days, Echo and Bellamy along with a few Skaikru and TriKru will be arriving in a day. The preparations are underway and you will be revealed for returning from the trial. News has spread of it but it is still widely unknown that you live.”

 

“Should I show up in a tornado of flames?” Clarke jokes.

 

Lexa doesn’t think it’s funny.

 

“Not unless you have to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the support and comments guys!! Hit me up on twitter under my handle HedaQueenslayer   
> Find me on Tumblr under iqueenslayer
> 
> I love to hear from you about the stories or anything really, don't be shy or strange. 
> 
> Unless you are shy or strange -- In that case, do you ma fam and holla at your girl.


	15. Nothing Changed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Throws life preservers out to those drowning in feels from last chapter*

 

The next day flies by. Clarke spends it quietly watching the Natblida lessons and following the bald fool around. By lunch she is sick and tired of his voice. By supper she is on edge and tired.

 

Titus is exhausting… Okay, maybe it’s biting your tongue while he speaks that is exhausting.

 

“How was your day Clarke,” Lexa asks her when they return to their room after their meal.

 

The blonde trudges in and plops down on the couch. “I don’t know how you put up with him all these years Lex. I only spent a day with him and I wanted to pluck his eyeballs out twice already.”

 

“Only twice?” Lexa asks with a smirk.

 

“Only twice for the eyeballs. There were many other urges I denied myself, Wanheda is feeling very neglected.” Clarke jokes in a way that Lexa knows she’s half serious. The brunette shares a laugh with her.

 

“So I take it you have already learned some things you don’t agree with from him?”

 

“It’s hard to stay impartial when you harbor so much resentment towards someone but yes.”

 

“Care to share?”

 

Clarke shook her head, “Not yet. It’s only been a day, I want to do this right.” She wants to study him more. She wants to learn a lot more about him and his lessons before she makes any concrete decisions about him or his role as flamekeeper. So she changes the subject, “How was your day?”

 

Lexa smiles warmly at her and Clarke wonders how long it’s been since someone asked her that. Clarke assumes the smile reflects her own because this is all very domestic right now. Normal. She makes a mental note to ask every day. The love and soft smile from Lexa is everything right now, “It was busy, busy but good. There are lots of details to go over with the festival coming up of course.” Lexa sits down on the couches other end. Her feet prop up and Clarke scoops them into her lap to remove her boots. “Tomorrow we have the coalition members meeting again.

 

Clarke sighs and drops the boots to the floor, “I can hardly wait.”

 

“It won’t be like last time Clarke. That incident won’t happen a second time. Not so soon anyways.”

 

Clarke flashes her a look as she begins to massage Lexa’s feet that clearly says ‘prove it.’ Lexa rolls her eyes. “Trust me Clarke, that is not the first time a meeting has been interrupted like that.”

 

“That’s happened before?”

 

“Not _exactly_ like that, but people have made attempts before on other clan members in meetings.”

 

Clarke nods, “None against Heda though?”

 

“No, that was new.”

 

Clarke keeps pressing on Lexa’s foot with her thumbs, “I’ve been meaning to ask you: Why would he act in the throne room? There’s no way he would get out of there alive…”

 

“There could be many reasons, none of which are concrete yet.”

 

“Did the Delphi man in Titus’s dungeon say anything yet?” She watched Lexa relax under her touch and her eyes flutter shut.

 

“I am going to deal with him tonight. Hopefully, I will get our answers then.”

 

Clarke pauses her motions. The way Lexa said that made her freeze. Lexa was always so strong and stoic when it came to handling the ugly parts of her duty. It was slightly unnerving for Clarke to hear how hollow she sounded when she said that. “Hey, do you want me to come with you?”

 

“You said you wouldn’t interfere Clarke,” Lexa says peeking her eyes open to lock with the blue ones staring at her.

 

Clarke shook her head softly, “I’m not talking about interfering. I’m talking about coming to support you.” Lexa’s eyes open a little wider and her head tilts as if she’s confused, Clarke can tell she is about to say no. The blonde rolls her eyes, “Couples in a relationship support each other. I can keep my mouth shut and my hands to myself. I promise. I just want to help you.”

 

“That’s not...that’s not why I hesitated Clarke. I trust you to be in control if you came especially after our talk yesterday.”

 

Clarke scrunches her face up, “Then what is it?”

 

Lexa takes a deep breath and sighs it out, “I don’t want you to see what I must do. Who I become to get the answers I seek Clarke.”

 

Clarke lifts Lexa’s legs and adjusts herself to move to straddle her. Her ass settles on Lexa’s hips and core while her hands gently pad her sides. Clarke leans down and gives her a chaste kiss before sitting up again, “The things we do to protect our people are just that – things, actions, duty. Those actions don’t define you Lexa. I know who you are and what you must do to get results are different. I’ve been there, remember?”

 

“Knowing what I must do and seeing me do it are different things Clarke,” Lexa cautions.

 

The blonde huffs, “I don’t want to argue over this.”

 

“We’re not arguing.”

 

“Let me come to support you.”

 

Lexa takes a heavy breath, “maybe we are arguing.”

 

Clarke smirks and playfully smacks her chest, “So is that a yes I can come? I mean you never specifically said no…”

 

A knock interrupts them. Clarke sighs and moves to get off of Lexa.

 

“Enter,” Lexa calls without getting up.

 

Octavia comes through the door looking for Clarke, “Hey guys, I just got word sent for you. Bellamy were seen heading to the gates, they’re early.”

 

Clarke looks at Lexa, “I have to go meet them and get them settled.” She is moving to put her coat on and do it up.

 

“You know where I’ll be,” Lexa leaves it open-ended for Clarke to show up in the dungeon or not. Clarke gives her a smile, once her coat is done up she moves back to the couch and leans down. She puts her right hand on Lexa’s chest, “Then you know where I’ll be. I’ll see you shortly.” With that she kisses her again and leaves the room with Octavia.

 

“Tell Bell I’ll come by to see him later,” Octavia says as they exit the elevator on the ground floor.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

“Aden and Zora are going to help me work on a few things we learned today. I am sick of Titus backhanding me.”

 

Clarke smirks, “I get that. Go on,” She waves her off and heads outside.

 

* * *

 

 

Bellamy and Echo are the first members Clarke recognizes. They each ride a horse of their own. Clarke almost didn’t recognize Bell until she looked closer. He is wearing more grounder gear and less SkaiKru clothes this evening. She wonders if it has less to do with the winter and more to do with finding Echo.

 

Regardless, the sight makes Clarke smile warmly at them.

 

They came in a larger party, about twenty-five strong. It was a healthy mix of TriKru and SkaiKru that travelled together for the Winter Festival and Feast. Clarke greeted them at the courtyard while Lexa was with the nightbloods.

 

“Clarke,” Echo greeted her with a low bow when she saw her. They had not spoken since the trial. Clarke was avoiding her and Echo wasn’t pushing it but now they had no choice. Echo would be around for the next few days, and it seemed she was going to be where Bellamy was.

 

“Echo. Bell.” Clarke greets them, “How was your trip?”

 

“Uneventful, don’t worry Clarke we all got here in one piece.” Bellamy told her with his dimply smile.

 

“Good.”

 

“Where’s O?” Bellamy asks looking behind Clarke for his sister.

 

“She’s busy with a lesson, you can see her when she’s finished, she’ll come by your room.”

 

“Lessons? Like school?”

 

Clarke shrugs, “Not like the schooling she missed out on on the Ark, no. More like the art of battle and combat training.” She keeps the explanation loose because really it’s not their business to know. “I’ll show you where you can rest.”

 

“Clarke!”

 

Clarke whirls around at the sound of her name, “Mom?” She looks from the emerging figure in the crowd of arrivals back to Bellamy. The man shrugs, “She wanted to see you. You try telling a Griffin she can’t do something.”

 

Abby hugs Clarke, “I missed you.”

 

“I haven’t been gone that long,” Clarke says into her shoulder feeling a hell of a lot younger than she is right now. The arms of your mother can do that. But then Clarke’s leadership comes back to her, “You left a healer behind right?”

 

“Nyko and Jackson are more than capable,” Abby says. “Where’s Lexa?” She asks letting Clarke go and standing back to take a good look at her. She’s making sure Clarke’s okay and the blonde can tell. She remembers just how much her mother loves them both.

 

“She’s busy with a matter of state,” Clarke loosely explains. “Come on, I’ll show you where you’ll be staying.”

 

Those of SkaiKru that had never been to Polis before are in awe of the place. Even as the darkness creeps in harder the place is mesmerizing. As the fires and torches are lit the city seems to come to life in a whole new way. She quite enjoyed their small gasps and points trying to draw attention to various things they pass. She shows the riders where to leave the horses and guides them into the tower.

 

They drop off some members in various rooms on the lower floors of the tower. Some are sharing, others like Abby, will get their own room.

 

“Well, this is certainly different from TonDC,” Bellamy murmurs to her as they enter a long hallway, Abby and Echo in tow.

 

Clarke smirks, “Lexa once told me Polis would change the way I see grounders. She was wrong because she already had. But I can see now she wasn’t totally wrong.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Just wait.” She opens the door to the room he will be staying in. “You and Echo can have this one, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.”

 

She’s not disappointed. Bellamy’s face lights up when he steps inside the room. The fires are lit for heat, the various candles are lit for light and Bellamy swears in disbelief. There are luxurious furs on the giant bed and two soft leather chairs in the main room. “Bathroom is through there,” Clarke points. “Hot water will be brought up but there should be some in there for spot washing and stuff. One of Lexa’s people will be in soon to check on you.”

 

“Thanks Clarke,” Bellamy says in awe still staring at the various things in the room.

 

“Don’t thank me, this was all Lexa’s idea.” Clarke looks to Echo, “Can I speak to you for a moment?”

 

Echo nods and joins her in the corner of the room while Bellamy heads to the bathroom after flashing a warning look to Clarke. “The fever,” is all she says.

 

“I am sorry about that Clarke. I had already given you the fever and antidote before I knew of the trial, at that point it was too late to reverse it.”

 

“Why did you do it in the first place?” Clarke asks even though she thinks she knows why she did it.

 

“My history with Azgeda is troubled. The only reason I have lived the last few months after the mountain is because I am a healer. You and Heda saved me from death that night I was freed from the cage; the way Azgeda returned the favour by allowing Nia to capture you did not sit right with me. They deserved to pay, I was just bidding my time waiting for the opportune moment to release the fever.”

 

“You were going to be the carrier.”

 

Echo nods, “Yes. I had planned to infect myself without the antidote and attack in the night infecting as many as possible. I would die anyways; I figured I would take the honour from them. But then Roan brought you to the camp; I took it as a sign. The Commander of Death showed up the day before I was going to infect myself.”

 

“You made me kill innocent people, bystanders.” Clarke said lowly.

 

“And I am sorry for that, again I assumed you would be placed on the tree. I thought you being the carrier with an antidote would allow me time to cut you loose in the chaos.”

 

Clarke sighs. Echo was only trying to do what she felt was right or necessary. She had planned to save Clarke and in a completely unexpected way she did. “I wouldn’t have survived that night if you hadn’t done what you did so I can’t be that upset with you Echo.” She holds out her arm which Echo clasps in the handshake, “So thank you.” Echo smiles. “But next time you have a bright idea like that you talk to me or Heda first.”

 

Echo laughs, “Of course, Wanheda.”

 

“You still owe me one,” Clarke tells her. “Accidentally saving me doesn’t absolve you from causing the deaths of innocents in my eyes. We all pay penance for what we have done.” And it’s true as she thinks about all of the innocents she has killed.

 

Echo must have seen the ghosts in her eyes because the woman bows her head and nods. “That is what makes you such a great force Wanheda. If death has no cost, life has no meaning.”

 

Clarke nods slightly and they part ways. She shows Abby to her room and laughs as she falls into the bed. Clarke barely has enough time to say goodbye to her before Abby is snoring against the soft furs.

 

Clarke leaves the new arrivals to wash, rest and clean up. She has food and drink prepared for them at the dining hall and leaves Mira one of Lexa’s handmaidens to assist them in finding what they need. The young girl seemed fascinated by the SkaiKru ever since Raven taught her to use the radio and they became friends. She figured it was a good choice.

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke heads back outside towards the dank tunnels of Titus’s quarters.

 

When she gets to the dimly lit corridor she can already hear the screams of pain from the Delphi delegate. She doesn’t quicken her pace she actually slows and takes deep breaths. She knows she is going to see a side of Lexa she knows exists but has not fully seen yet. She would be lying if she said she was prepared. But she meant what she said to her, she would come to support her because that’s what they do. Even if she didn’t wish to see this, even if she wouldn’t partake in it, she has to see it. There will be a time where she is put in Lexa’s position as Heda and she better start seeing what beast she will have to become to do it.

 

When she enters the room she finds Titus holding a whip and glaring at her. Lexa stiffens as soon as she sees her and Clarke knows why. The blonde simply gives her a slight nod indicating she’s okay, she’s not here to interfere, and she is simply there for Lexa. Not Heda.

 

The brunette’s face is flush. There is a sheen of sweat on her forehead and neck. She has definitely been active in this interrogation. Clarke swallows and stands by the back wall with her hands clasped in front of her.

 

It is three hours later when they finally leave the room. That three hours has opened Clarke's eyes wide.

 

In three hours Clarke had seen Lexa do things she never imagined. She was surprised the man lasted as long as he did before he succumbed to the pain and he took his last breath. He spilled his guts figuratively and literally for them by the time she was finished.

 

And Clarke finally really understood what people had been telling her all along.

 

Lexa really can be ruthless.

 

The brunette is quiet as they exit back to the dark cold night air outside the tower. Clarke can see her flashing worried glances in her direction. The blonde sighs at the most recent one and moves a little closer during their walk. She slips her right hand into the palm of Lexa’s left and entwines their fingers. The brunette is surprised but she tries to hide it. Clarke only smiles knowing why she is surprised, none of this has changed the way she feels about the woman and she needs Lexa to know that. The small gesture from her hand is a step in the right direction.

 

They are quiet when they enter their room. Clarke follows Lexa’s lead and stays quiet knowing how much of a toll the evening had taken on her. Clarke has been there, she’s let the monster loose to get answers they desperately needed and she knows how emotionally draining it is. Lexa feels so much, it is impossible for her to feel anything small, it is no surprise that she is worn out.

 

So instead of discussing anything or trying to sooth her with words Clarke helps her undress and pulls her into their bed. The blonde spoons her pulling her own bare chest flush with Lexa’s back. And that is when Lexa begins to cry silent tears. Clarke says nothing, she doesn’t try to shush her or stop them. She simply holds her tighter and hums their song. She’s telling her nothing has changed, her feelings are the same, and her decision to be with Lexa would not waiver.

 

She whispers the only thing either of them need to hear right now, "I love you."

 

She gives her understanding and comfort until the tears stop and the brunette falls asleep in her loving arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever wrote something and immediately felt like Oprah after? Like looking at your sentences and going "you have a comma, and YOUUUU have a comma, and you get a comma..."


	16. Little of This, Little of That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My brain is so much farther ahead in this story than my fingers can write.

 

The next morning Lexa is in a way better mood. Waking up with Clarke’s strong arms around her was unexpected to her after last night. She didn’t expect Clarke to still see her in the same light, to love her so unconditionally as she did. Maybe it was her own insecurities that made her think that but it is all quickly pushed aside when she hears the soft whisper, the same as last night, “I love you.”

 

Lexa hums and rolls over in her arms, “I love you too Clarke. Thank you for-,” she pauses trying to think of the right words, “for being you.”

 

The blonde flushes and pushes her face into the pillow, “Lex stop," she playfully groans. "It’s way too early for you to be embarrassing me like that.”

 

She giggles when Lexa tickles her ribs. “You’re adorable,” Lexa teases.

 

Clarke barks out a laugh then looks at her with a straight face, paraphrasing something Lexa said to her a few days ago, “I am not adorable. I am Wanheda.”

 

Lexa rolls her eyes, “What did I tell you about mockery Clarke?”

 

The blonde laughs and kisses her, “Yeah yeah, come on. I gotta get going. I need to eat and see everyone and I don’t need Titus hating me more than he already does for being late to training.” She is getting out of the bed and pulling Lexa to her feet. She leads them into the bathroom where they wash up and dress.

 

Clarke looks stunning in a tight brown leather jacket and blue hood on her back. Her pants are long and black, her dagger is on her thigh and her boots are knee high. She carries her sword in its scabbard but puts it on her hip today. It doesn’t feel as natural as when it is on her back but she figures this looks badass so it evens out.

 

Lexa is wearing her long sword on her hip over her long black cloak. Her commander armour and sash are buckled tight to her left shoulder like always. The sun is hitting her at just the right angle to make her look unearthly and godlike. It takes Clarke’s breath away before Lexa’s kiss gives it back to her.

 

* * *

 

 

They find the dining hall to be a lot more crowded this morning with the new arrivals. The excitement and buzz in the air is contagious. Everyone seems to be in excellent spirits. Polis can do that to a person. Clarke notices the small smile the scene puts on Lexa’s face.

 

Abby is the first one to greet them by the door, she actually ignored Clarke and pulled Lexa into a tight brief hug.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t meet you at the gates last night Abby,” Lexa says unnecessarily when she lets go.

 

Abby brushes it off with a wave, “Our arrival is not that important. I didn’t expect any fanfare hon.”

 

“No fanfare, if I was available I would have gone because I care for you and you are my houmon’s mother.”

 

Abby furrows her brow at the term she doesn’t understand. She looks at Clarke who is staring wide-eyed at Lexa.

 

“Houmon?” The blonde asks with a raised brow and a surprisingly dry throat. She knows what it means.

 

Lexa smirks and shrugs, “I’m testing it out.” And fuck, the way she says it is so undeniably cute Clarke went bashful and giddy all at once. She also failed to hide the large smile that played at her mouth.

 

Abby looks between the two, “Houmon?”

 

Clarke flushes red and Lexa laughs. “Wife,” she clarifies to Abby and then she walks away leaving Clarke embarrassed, giddy, and stupidly happy beside her mother.

 

Clarke has never heard her say it before. She’s never really thought about it. There is something about hearing it in Lexa’s native tongue that makes it somehow more real. Like it’s really going to happen and more importantly it assures Clarke that Lexa is as happy about it as she is. She didn’t think it would be possible to fall more in love with that woman but every fucking day she does. And she’s definitely not mad about it.

 

Abby seems to be quite pleased as well. Her soft eyes are brimming with tears and she is trying her hardest to not let her smile break her face.

 

“Come on, let’s eat.” Clarke says pulling Abby towards the table. She plops down beside Raven who is talking animatedly with Luna and Mira who’s holding a water jug with wide eyes.

 

When Clarke sits down Mira excuses herself softly. “What was that about?” The blonde asks eyeing Raven and Luna.

 

“Oh she was just telling us about the rumours spreading,” Luna says with a soft chuckle.

 

Raven is vibrating with laughter she is trying to stifle. “What rumours?” Clarke asks with a low growl. She doesn’t like either of their reactions.

 

“The one about the ghost of Wanheda,” Raven barks out some more laughter. Clarke glances at Lexa who is seated at the head of their table now paying close attention as well.

 

“Oh god,” Clarke huffs.

 

“Don’t you want to hear it?” Luna asks through a fresh fit of chuckles.

 

“Something tells me I am going to regret this but yes, what is it?” Clarke sighs and sips her hot tea after setting the bread she was chewing on down.

 

“Do you want the detailed version or the abridged one?” Raven smirks.

 

“I will cut you both,” Clarke playfully threatens with a glare.

 

“Abridged it is,” Raven nods at Luna.

 

The taller woman dramatically sips her own drink and sets it down. “There’s word of the ghost of Wanheda, scantily clad in white and haunting the Commander for abandoning her at the trial.”

 

Clarke huffs and Lexa is laughing along with Raven. “Seriously?” she glares at her and Lexa shrugs unashamed. Clarke looks back at Luna, “All of this spread in a day?”

 

“You’re quite popular,” Luna says with a grin. “And you definitely need work on your stealth.”

 

Clarke rolls her eyes, being captured a handful of times she is well aware of this. “If you know anyone feel free to point me in his or her direction,” she quips.

 

Luna sobers up, “I can help you.”

 

“Really?”

 

Luna nods and smiles after glancing at an approving Lexa. “It was my job to be a ghost before I took over leading my clan Clarke. I was the best scout the coalition had. I still train the scouts of BoatKru.”

 

Clarke swallows her bite of food, “I didn’t know that. If you’re willing to teach me I’d love it Luna, really.”

 

“Great, we start this afternoon.”

 

“We have the ambassador meeting,” Clarke reminds her.

 

Luna smiles, “We’ll go before it, I have time just after lunch.”

 

Clarke looks at Lexa and shrugs, “Well I guess I’ll make Titus’s afternoon then.”

 

Lexa laughs, “Octavia will fill you in on anything you miss I am sure.”

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke spends her morning with the Nightbloods after directing Abby to the market. She is forced to keep her hood up while outside during the daylight to try and remain hidden until the festival but she doesn’t mind. It’s bitter cold this morning.

 

During training she is paired up with Zora. The nightblood doesn’t hold back and Clarke is _very_ happy about that. She is pleased to find she and Zora are quite evenly matched. The girl is a little faster but Clarke matches her strength easily. When they take a break for water they are both breathing hard and Zora is dragging her to her sister who is watching at the edge of the courtyard.

 

“Ziva, Ziva meet Wanheda,” Zora says happily and quite importantly to her sister.

 

Ziva smiles when Clarke corrects her, “Clarke.”

 

“It’s nice to meet you Clarke, are you enjoying beating up my sister?” Ziva asks with a smirk at her little sister.

 

“Very much so,” Clarke jokes back.

 

“Hey I’m not the only one bleeding and bruised!” Zora says defiantly.

 

Clarke laughs and wipes at the small trail of blood running from her nose, “How could I forget?”

 

Zora then runs off to speak with Aden quite excitedly. Clarke and Ziva watch her with amusement.

 

“She’s doing so well here,” Ziva says quietly to Clarke.

 

The blonde looks at her, “When did she come to Polis?”

 

“She was four,” Ziva says sadly but there’s pride there too, it’s hard to miss.

 

Clarke pursed her lips. Four. She was tore away from her home and family at such a young age. “Do you ever resent her blood? What she has to do?” She’s asking for many reasons right now, including the possibility of her becoming flamekeeper, but she also really wants to know Ziva’s perspective on it. Fresh eyes and what not.

 

Ziva is quiet for some time as if debating whether to answer. She sighs, “I was very angry when we first found out. I was pushing my parents to hide it, at least for a little while.”

 

“I can understand that,” Clarke admits sympathetically. “I don’t blame you.” And she really doesn’t.

 

Ziva gives her a small smile before watching her sister laugh with Aden. “It helped that I knew Lexa was already in Polis too. I trust her and I was right to do so.” She gestures at her sister, “I was afraid she would miss out on a childhood and friendship. I was scared she would never experience love or a real life. And then I catch small moments such as these, she’s laughing and smiling. She looks happy, I see what she is: a child. She just turned sixteen today.”

 

“Sixteen?” Clarke pauses, “That means you’ll be taking her home part time for training?”

 

Ziva nods with a small smile, “Yes I am bringing her home soon. She has not seen the plains in many years, I fear she doesn’t remember them.”

 

“I’m glad for you two,” Clarke says with a smile. “She was very proud when I first met her, it was one of the first conversations we had. She’s very excited to learn from you on the land of her ancestors.”

 

“Thank you Clarke.” Zora says quietly and leaves with a nod.

 

Clarke smiles as she goes and she’s not offended at the abrupt halt to their conversation. She understands the grounders tolerance for emotions or emotional conversations is limited.

 

Clarke shivers with revulsion when she hears Titus bark at her from the other side of the courtyard. She hurries over and pairs up again. This time she is with Aden.

 

“Come on Wanheda,” he teases her with his staff in hand.

 

Clarke is handed one of her own and she panics for a moment. She’s never fought with one of these. She stares at the thing before she looks at Aden. The kid has such a smug grin on his face she desperately wants to wipe it from him. “Bring it on kid,” she says and mimics his hold on the staff.

 

He laughs and circles her sizing her up. He takes a step closer and then back again. He’s fucking with her and she can tell. So she decides to take a swing, it’s awkward and unnatural at the moment. It makes him laugh harder and earns a growl from Titus at his light heartedness. “Finish her Aden, don’t play with your food.”

 

Clarke flashes him a glare and is caught off guard when Aden swings. It thwacks her in the back painfully and she hisses. She turns around to square up with him again. She takes a swing and he blocks it with the end of his staff, he counters with the other end and she instinctively does the same to block. They keep matching blows like this for some time until Clarke gets and opening and jabs out and catches his thigh. The boy stumbles and she steps aside to thwack him on the ass with the other end. She laughs when he curses at her.

 

“Come on kid, show me something,” she teases him with a laugh.

 

Aden grins and swings high, she ducks and launches a backhand catching her off-guard. She laughs through the pain and spits out the small bit of blood it causes to come from her lip. She spins and catches his legs with the staff brining him to his back with a hard thud. He cracks his head against the cement and she drops the staff when she sees the blood.

 

She drops down beside him and cradles his head and checks his eyes. “Aden?”

 

The boy is dazed, his eyes are unfocusing. “I’m alright. I’m fine,” he says squirming on the ground trying to get up. She pushes him back down.

 

“Easy youngblood, go slow” she says, “You probably have a concussion.”

 

She slowly helps him stand and for a moment he looks fine. Then he promptly sways and vomits on her boots. She sighs when she is unable to avoid it because she’s holding him from falling down. “Yep. Definitely a concussion. You’re done for the day.”

 

At this point she hasn’t noticed Titus coming to stand behind her. “That is not your call to make,” the man says in a warning tone.

 

She doesn’t even give him the respect to look at him, “He’s no use to you like this Titus. He needs to rest.”

 

“He can rest when he’s dead.”

 

That stops her. She grips Aden a little harder and adjusts her body so she is essentially shielding the boy behind her from him. “He needs to see a healer. If he doesn’t he could die. Head injuries are serious, they can cause all sorts of issues if not treated properly.” Her voice is dangerously low after hearing Titus’s last comment. This is exactly why she hates this man and his teachings. He sees these kids as nothing more then vessels and figureheads. To him they are not kids, they aren’t even human.

 

As if backing her Aden groans and she grins knowing what’s coming, she sidesteps and adjusts the boy quickly.

 

And satisfaction is a funny thing. It can come in the oddest moments. Like Aden vomiting a second time all over Titus’s legs.

 

Clarke bites her cheeks as not to laugh, because Octavia (who had been watching the whole thing unfold with her hand on her dagger handle) is now laughing enough for the both of them. “I’m taking him to the healers in the tower, he’s done for the day unless you wish to clean up more than just your pants and boots.” With that she scoops Aden’s arm around her shoulders and helps him to the tower. Octavia remains behind with a nod and continues sparring again with Zora.

 

“You shouldn’t have done that,” he groans against her.

 

“Yeah well, I shouldn’t do a lot of things. It never stopped me before,” she says and he gives her a lopsided grin.

 

“I can see why Lexa loves you so much.”

 

And the fact that Aden knows how much Lexa cares for her is oddly satisfying.

 

She likes this kid, even if he did ruin her favourite boots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I used to get excited on Thursdays?  
> Me too.
> 
> So here's your weekly Thursday dose of FUCK YOU JASON.


	17. Done Hiding, I'm Screaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luna is a bundle of fun. Lexa shocks the room. They bang a bit.

 

When Clarke checks in on Aden again after lunch she finds him alert and feeling much better. The vomiting has stopped and his cut has already begun to heal thanks to his blood. He argued with her about taking two days off of lessons to rest and they ended up compromising on one day. She told him he could go back to his lessons tomorrow.

 

On her way out she's not surprised to find that her mother is also there. Clarke spots her speaking with one of the healers along the back wall. Abby is holding a young grounder girl in her arms who is playing with her hair quietly. Clarke melts a little at the sight and her mother's large smile before ducking out to find Luna.

 

Raven joins them on the journey outside the city and into the woods. The walk is filled with easy chatter; Luna and Raven have become immediate friends since they bonded over giving Clarke a hard time that morning. Clarke has learned quickly that Luna is an odd mix of all of them. She’s as diplomatic and fierce as Lexa, as caring as Clarke, a spark plug like Raven and fearless like Octavia.

 

She also learns that she takes teaching Clarke very seriously. The blonde assumes it has a lot to do with Lexa and Costia, that it's just Luna showing she cares. She's tough and not holding back during their lesson. When Clarke makes a mistake Luna is swift in calling her out on it and forcing her to correct it.

 

She uses a very convincing balance of positive and negative reinforcement. When Clarke gets something right she gets to hear a little bit about Lexa as a child. When she is doing something wrong she is whacked or poked with a thin branch until she fixes it. It’s not super painful but it is fucking annoying as hell and therefore really motivating.

 

“Ah, ah okay. OKAY, knock it off will ya,” Clarke complains trying to shake off Luna's branch. She tries to walk through the snow and broken branches without crunching too loudly or stepping too heavy another time.  She’s failed this every time so far trying to find Raven who has 'hidden' herself for Clarke to sneak up on. “This is impossible Luna.” She looks at the tall woman, “Let’s see you do it.” And Clarke knows the woman is more than capable, she's barely sunk two inches in the snow the whole time they've been out here while Clarke is a foot deep and soaked up to her knees. (She's pretty frustrated.) 

 

Luna smirks at her and raises her eyebrows, “You sound just like Lexa when I tried to teach her this.”

 

That didn’t make Clarke feel bad at all. Specifically because she's seen how light Lexa steps on the snow, on anything really, so she knows there's hope for her too. She's never thought Lexa to be bad at anything so knowing she struggled with this as well has Clarke feeling lighter on her feet already.

 

What does make Clarke feel bad is when Luna proves it can be done so effortlessly. It's second nature and Clarke's a little jealous. Being the stubborn little shit that she is, this only makes her work harder.

 

It definitely takes too long for Clarke to get it even remotely right. It’s not perfect but it’s way better and Luna seems pleased. It earns her and Raven a delightful story of Luna walking in on Costia and Lexa necking for the first time. It ends with Lexa accidentally giving Costia a bloody nose when she tried to disengage.

 

And Clarke is smiling wide at the image of a teenage Lexa struggling to apologize for it. The cute little bean that she is being all awkward and bumbling is an image she quite enjoys.

 

Raven quickly gets over her amusement and is now bubbling with excitement, “Does that mean it’s my turn?”

 

Clarke's smile fades as she looks at her, “Your turn for what? I thought you were just an observer?”

 

“I am. I observed that and now I’m going to observe you practicing something else,” Raven explains grabbing some branches. Clarke watches as she places them in the snow in their sparser area of trees. When she is finished she has created the outline of two large squares about twenty feet apart.

 

Clarke looks from the branches to Raven. “Cool design, but I prefer parchment and charcoal.”

 

 _“Oh Gee_ Clarke you're so funny," she says sarcastically with an unamused look. She rolls her eyes and points, "Just go fucking stand in that box smartass.”

 

Clarke obliges her with a smirk and turns to face them. “Okay, now what?”

 

“Now you do your witchcraft tornado thing. Aim for that box.” Raven instructs with a smirk stepping farther back. She pauses and steps forward again to grab Luna by the arm before pulling her back too. “Give her some space, flames are hot remember.” Luna smiles and looks like an excited child, she's been waiting for this since she heard Clarke's story about the bathroom.

 

Clarke looks at them and then to the box she’s standing in. She looks at the other one twenty feet away and voices her concern, “Raven I don’t even really know how I did that last time.”

 

“That’s why they call it practice Clarke now quit stalling and put in work.”

 

Clarke glares at her a final time before shutting her eyes and taking some deep breaths. She focuses on the energy’s hum inside her and she wills it to grow and fill her entire being. She lifts her palms up and feels them both holding fresh flames. She opens her eyes to see the proof and she looks at Raven, “it didn’t work.” That wasn't really what she was going for.

 

“That’s hardly what I would call effort Clarke. I’ve seen you literally crawl back from death, you can do this. It's going to take a lot more than that to prove me to me that you can't.” The mechanic cocks and eyebrow and crosses her arms on her chest. It's a challenge and Clarke takes it as such. So as stubborn as she is she'll try harder if only to prove to Raven that she doesn't think she can really control her 'witchcraft tornado' as she called it.

 

Clarke looks at the flames in her hands and then the box. She shuts her eyes and focuses on the hum again. She imagines the flames in her palms growing larger with each second. She pictures them growing tall and being stretched out around her in the wind. First as thin ribbons and then becoming thick waves.

 

When she opens her eyes she sees that her visualization and focus has worked. She sees a vortex of swirling flames surrounding her. The snow is melting from the heat they produce. They originate in her palms and reach above and around, they hug and wind around her in a soothing warmth. She focuses again and shuts her eyes trying to move herself and the flames like she had in the bathroom.

 

She pictures herself _taking_ them with her and letting them _take_ her. It’s a weird balance but she's following her instincts. It feels like it’s working.

 

When she feels the weightlessness she knows it did.

 

And she only opens her eyes when she feels her feet settle on the ground again.

 

“Damn,” she curses and looks around. Raven, Luna and the box she was aiming for are a good fifty feet away. She missed by a lot.

 

But at least she moved.

 

This continues for the next hour until she is now only a couple feet off from hitting her intended target. At this point she is exhausted and still slightly nauseous from it all. It’s hard disappearing from one place to the other in flames and even Raven has agreed it's time to call it.

 

The blonde is staring at the box just two feet away pissed that she's so close but so far away. "I guess there’s a bit of a learning curve,” Raven says lightly with a hand on Clarke's shoulder.

 

“Understatement,” Clarke croaks back.

 

“We try again tomorrow?”

 

Clarke nods, “Yeah.” She steps away from Raven to create some distance from the two women.

 

“Where are you going? The city is back this way.” Luna says with a gesture.

 

Clarke smirks, “I’m going to the city too, I’m just going to beat you there.” With that she calls her fire and leaves in flames much more cocky than she has any right to be.

 

This is proven when she lands on her and Lexa’s balcony railing instead of in the room. She screams and falls down onto the safety of the cement, landing in shock and gasping for breath. She’s really glad no one is there to see it. Next time she needs to focus harder and not show off.

 

She hears you karma.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The clan meeting is terrible.

 

Sinfully boring.

 

Although, she thinks she prefers this type of meeting compared to their last. This one was only filled with shouting and worry no death threats. Yet.

 

So far, Clarke spent most of it trying to ignore Luna’s playful jabs and whispers. Clarke was really trying hard to pay attention for Lexa but the woman beside her was hard to ignore.

 

“Come on, do it.” Luna whispers in a way that sounds like whine.

 

“Luna,” Clarke cautions as loud as she dares.

 

“Do it again and I’ll leave you alone.”

 

“That’s what you said a half hour ago.”

 

“This time I mean it?” Luna offers.

 

Clarke glances at her, "That sounds like a question so no." 

 

There’s the sound of a throat-clearing coming from Clarke’s other side where she sees Ziva eyeing the two of them with a scowl. Luna sticks her tongue out at her and Clarke rolls her eyes. She tries to pay attention again.

 

Maybe Ziva's noticing of their noise will be enough to deter Luna further.

 

Wrong.

 

“Claaaaarke,” Luna tries again in another hushed whisper.

 

She pokes her when she doesn't respond.

 

Clarke grunts lightly and glances around, “Once more then I’m cutting you off.” Luna beams innocently. The blonde focuses on the candle flame across from her behind the other clan ambassadors. It rises inches higher before she makes it dance left and right. Then she puts it out. She figures she may as well practice while she entertains the apparent giant child beside her.

 

It pleases Luna immensely, “Light it again.” She even sounds like a giant excited child.

 

Clarke can't help but chuckle softly at the look on her face. She glances at Lexa who is busy speaking to Paul about scouts in his borderlands. Clarke grins and ignites the far candle again. She has spent the last couple hours doing this without drawing too much attention. She is sure Ziva is well aware of what's happening, it's hard to miss from their angle and she knows Lexa told her about their abilities.

 

But Clarke has to admit, she is very impressed at how unfazed she seems by it. There is quite a difference in the two women she is seated between. Ziva is very stoic and hard to read unless you're looking closely, but Clarke knows through her relationship with Zora that she is much more than that. She's hard on the outside like Indra but very much like Lexa on the inside. Luna on the other hand is a ball of energy, one that is able to act like the almost thirty year old she is but also like the six year old little brat Clarke imagines she used to be.

 

When the meeting is drawing to an end before dinner, Lexa catches Clarke’s eye and stands. She gestures to Clarke with her head an eyes in a way only the blonde would see. She promptly takes the hint and stands as well shrugging at Luna who gives her a confused look. She has no clue what this is about either. She thinks she maybe should have paid more attention and she's silently cursing Luna. Clarke moves to stand near Lexa. They are feet apart but Clarke is standing a bit lower, down front he throne and the steps leading to it.

 

Lexa gives her the secret smile, the one in her eyes, and Clarke feels love and admiration swarm her insides. Lexa addresses the room, “Before we end this evening  _we_ have an announcement.” She swallows and glances at Clarke, “As the coalition members you have a right to know my intentions.” She raises her chin and her eyes are filled with emotion.

 

Clarke’s breath catches in her throat. She knows that look. She  _loves_ that look.

 

Lexa continues, “Like me, I am sure you have all heard the rumours regarding Wanheda and I.” She pauses and listens to the quiet murmurs that confirm her words. Clarke stares at Lexa because she doesn’t want to see their faces and do something undignified and blush. “Many of you assume it is a matter of simply warming my bed, today I put an end to those rumours once and for all." She eyes the delegates individually before speaking again.

 

"This is about pledges and promises, about love and honour," she says this passionately to remove doubts. The wave of heat and love that radiates from Lexa and touches Clarke's heart when she says this takes her breath away. “We will have a union and TriKru and SkaiKru will officially become one. Our people have already been cohabiting for months in TonDC and Arkadia. Relationships have built both platonic and romantic, the first child born of sky and tree is expected in the spring.” Lexa finishes to a surprised room and a small genuine smile. 

 

And Clarke understands what she's doing and why she's choosing to do it now at this meeting _._ Lexa is trying to get ahead of any doubters who may try to write this off as a power play. Lexa is leaning heavy on the fact that their people will and have already joined but it's about Clarke and Lexa's feelings first. No politics or power struggle involved just genuine feelings and common sense. SkaiKru's numbers are already just hovering around two hundred souls, having the two become a whole after the union is just logical.

 

The murmurs grew after that and Lexa let them. She expected this. Clarke was still trying to wrap her head around what just happened but her eyes were no longer on Lexa. Her body had moved on it's own and she was actually standing facing the delegates slightly in front of the brunette to protect her. Some of the delegates were clearly concerned with what this could mean for them if their faces were any indication. But some were actually quiet and smiling, completely unfazed, they looked happy for them.

 

Lexa flicked her wrist to silence the room. “I open the floor to you, if you have questions or concerns please come forward without fear of consequence for speaking true,” she looks at each member. “You will _not_ get another chance until the ceremony, at which point you may challenge us then to the death.”

 

The room is quiet after her not so subtle threat. Clarke stiffens when she hears the first speaker, “No Heda has ever had a union.” They both expected that to come up.

 

“No Heda ever united the clans either. If I followed the same paths as those before me we would still be in the shadow of the mountain and soaked in each other's blood.” Lexa counters quickly shutting the woman form the Desert Clan up.

 

“What about the rest of us? Surely, you must see how this concerns the other members who remained loyal to you and our coalition. It was not just SkaiKru. You join Heda and Wanheda as one in this as well as your people.” Paul says shifting nervous eyes between Lexa and Clarke.

 

“This is not about loyalty my brother, this is about love. There are no political motivations driving this union, no secret plans between two leaders. SkaiKru are already part of the coalition, they are already one with all of us, meaning their loyalty is with all of us.” Lexa explains. “I understand your concerns but as you trust me in battle I ask you to trust me in this, I love Clarke and I love my people. My position and blood binds me to them, this union binds me to her," she looks at Clarke with kind eyes and a full heart. "My people get the chance to do this type of thing, it's something I fight everyday for them to have. I work every day to better the lives of our people, Wanheda has breathed new life into our cause by destroying the mountain, she gave us all the chance at happiness. Now, I ask you if I deserve my own? Do you not wish to see your leader thriving alongside you?”

 

Lexa’s leaving the floor open for anyone else to speak. To her surprise Luna stands in a gesture of solidarity and support, “Of course Heda. I support this.” Her voice is strong and confident.

 

Ziva stands and sounds much the same, “Sha Heda. I wish you both happiness.” She bows to both women with a nod.

 

"She is not one of us!" The Desert Clan woman sneers still seated clearly outraged.

 

This was something Lexa had also expected. And this is where their fate and fortunes have aligned once again to push their relationship forward. The universe practically shouting that they were meant to do this.

 

And as if to back the universe that brought them together, Clarke is the one to move. She's motivated by Lexa's speech, its time for her to help her, support her while she tries to defend their love. She shouldn't have to do it alone, Clarke promised she would never have to do any of this alone. She slips her assassins blade from her sleeve and holds out her hand for them all to see, "I _am_ one of you. I am the reincarnate of Heda Kom Faete," she says while she slices her palm to reveal the seeping black blood front he wound. The blood splatters drip by drip to the cement floor when she squeezes her hand to increase the flow for them to see. 

 

The room falls quiet at the revelation. Silent except for the sounds of Clarke's blood trickling to the floor with each drop creating a small 'pop' sound. 

 

"The blood of our people runs in her veins meaning the first commander's blood runs in her veins, you see the proof." Lexa says proudly approving of Clarke's move. "Heda Kom Faete has completed her journey to find me, the reincarnate of the first commander. For further proof I invite you and anyone else into the annexes to view the decades old parchment proving Heda Kom Jus fell from the sky just as Wanheda has. We are of the ground and the sky, the SkaiKru are of the sky and the ground. We are already one and the same."

 

Paul of the glowing forest now stands and nods with a slight bow of respect to Lexa and Clarke, "Hedas."

 

The other delegates present stand and bow as well in continued stunned silence.

 

The room clears shortly after that leaving Clarke and Lexa alone together. Lexa is seated on her throne and beaming at the blonde. Bright blue eyes locked with shimmering green. "So that was unexpected," Clarke says coming closer.

 

Lexa tilts her head, "Was it?" She stands with a smirk, "I told you I was done hiding."

 

The blonde could respond a million different ways. But she doesn't respond with her words at all. She crashes their lips together passionately. It's messy and hard, filled with lust and wanting. Hands are groping at sides, hips, asses and necks. Soft whimpers and slight moans escape them both while their lips meet again and again. Their tongues battle and swipe at each other, they can taste their need.

 

Clarke is shoving Lexa gently backwards so she falls into the throne. She quickly straddles her to a delighted Lexa who firmly grips her ass with both hands. Clarke begins grinding down slow and steady with each swipe of her tongue. When Lexa squeezes her hands and grinds up Clarke shudders and deepens the kiss. Her left hand slips slow and sultry down Lexa's chest before undoing the coat and slipping lower. Lexa moans and rocks her hips as Clarke begins to grind a little faster searching for friction. 

 

Clarke bites Lexa's bottom lip with lust when she feels how wet she is, her middle finger instantly slick as it enters the brunette. The sudden thrust and lack of foreplay has Lexa a withering mess beneath her. Clarke stares through half lidded eyes to find Lexa's typically green eyes are dark and her pupils dilated. Clarke deftly slips a second finger with the first at the sight. She wonders if she can get them completely black. Lexa is jerking backwards and forwards meeting every thrust, her lips and tongue are hungry and tracing any exposed skin she can find. Clarke is working to double her efforts when she sees Lexa's head roll back against the throne in ecstasy, "Holy fuck Lex," She groans as a new wave of wetness floods her own undergarments. She can do nothing but continue thrusting and lean forward to assault her neck with her lips.

 

When Lexa is moaning and crying out with soft "Clarke's" she knows she's getting closer. She can feel her tightening up around her fingers and she pushes in just a little deeper before curling her fingers and hitting Lexa right where she needs her. "Fuck, you look so _good_ right now. I just want to make you _scream."_ the blonde whispers against her ear lobe before nipping it and moaning herself.

 

And Clarke feels Lexa explode beneath her. The woman bucks and writhes around as Clarke continues to thrust. Her walls are clenching trying to hold her fingers inside, Clarke merely obliges and pushes in deeper and harder. She meant it when she said she wanted to hear her scream. A few more thrusts and she is not disappointed.

 

Lexa is hit with a second orgasm and lets out a guttural moan before Clarke's ears are ringing with her own name blasting from the brunette's lips. The sound, the sight, the fact that the guards outside the door definitely heard it, and just the overall feeling of it radiating from Lexa sends Clarke off the edge right along with her. "Lexa," she hisses in relief as the waves crash over her as well as she grinds down on Lexa. When she finally removes her hand from Lexa's pants she makes the brunette squirm all over again when she cleans them off with her mouth. She feels a wave of hot lust wash over her that mixes with her own and she grins slyly. Satisfied that the brunette is sufficiently turned on for round two later that night Clarke kisses her deep again before standing up.

 

"Well we've never done that in here before," she says pulling Lexa to stand.

 

The brunette wraps her arms around her and whispers sultry, low and pleasantly threatening like, "You better eat fast Clarke. I'm giving you thirty minutes with everyone before I'm stealing you away. I'm not done with you yet."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God Jason, I just hate you so much every fucking Friday, it sort of simmers by Wednesday and then charges back on Thursdays. 
> 
> *pauses*  
> ...And I just realized Jason is like a Menstruation cycle that NEVER FUCKING STOPS bleeding.
> 
> I need a drink.
> 
> *hurls myself into the sun*


	18. Coming to Terms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one was tough for me (because feelings) but I think I nailed it. (At least as far as what I wanted to get across.)

 

The next couple of days go by like the turning of a page. Later tonight the Winter Festival is taking place. The entire city and the Polis tower are alive with excitement.

 

Clarke has spent every spare moment during the day with the Natblida’s. She has begun to spend more time with them outside of lessons too. She hasn’t really had a chance to think about why that is until this afternoon.

 

After the talk with Lexa, Clarke has been thinking a lot about her requests. She is still fine with everything she agreed to do. Watching Titus, giving her her honest opinion of him and his teachings as well as taking the responsibility to lead if Lexa is ever absent. That stuff is all fine with her, it's all something she takes a lot of pride in and very seriously. Lexa has faith in her and that means the world to Clarke.

 

The brunette has not brought up the request for Clarke to be flamekeeper since that evening, which Clarke is grateful for because she hasn’t really scratched that itch yet. Not intentionally anyways, but it has been creeping in when she isn't trying to focus on it. Mostly, when she's with the Natblida's.

 

The closest they’ve come to discussing it a second time was yesterday when Lexa gave Clarke a small journal that looked to be many, many years old. Upon further inspection, she found it was the flamekeeper’s journal passed down between the advisors since the first commander’s reign. The history it held within the pages were a captivating read that Clarke spent a lot of her free time poring over, even reading out loud by candlelight in bed to Lexa.

 

She begins to understand the teachings in the book are open to interpretation. The more she reads the more she compares how she interprets the teachings to how Titus obviously has. On some things they have come to the same conclusion, but on many, many others she has found their interpretations do not match up. This both makes her feel worthy of being the keeper but also fucking scared at the types of leaders Titus would be popping out had Lexa not been involved. She's even woken up with nightmares of him teaching a bunch of mini-Ontari's. She’s only spent three days in lessons with him and it has only caused her distrust and hatred for him to increase.

 

The only thing making it worth her effort to put up with him besides Lexa request is the children. She has really enjoyed the last couple days she spent surrounded by the nightbloods. Both during their lessons and outside of them. Her enjoyment only wavering whenever Titus became too hard to ignore.

 

Octavia, Zora and Aden were fast friends. They often were seen joking around and roughhousing. It was great to see Octavia interact with them and find ways to relate. She was a chameleon to Clarke, able to fit in anywhere with anyone. Their most recent development in bonding seems to take place around pranks. Clarke doesn’t really mind because the majority of their pranks are harmless and their target is typically Titus. He doesn’t show them respect or human decency so she definitely doesn’t blame them for not showing him much.

 

The Natblida students all varied in age. Aden and Zora being the eldest. The youngest was a seven-year-old girl named Kai. She had auburn hair and strong features, she hailed from TriKru territory from a remote village near the borderlands. It was obvious to Clarke that she was going to be beautiful when she grew up. She had ice blue eyes, lighter than Clarke’s but just as captivating. She was quickly becoming one of Clarke’s favourites.

 

“Clarke do you have a mother?” Kai asked her this particular morning. They were taking a break from their history lesson in the annexes sitting on the floor by the window.

 

“I do. She’s around here somewhere,” Clarke says with a smile.

 

“I would like to meet her one day,” the girl says crossing her legs and leaning against Clarke’s shoulder just slightly but the blonde can feel it.

 

“Oh I think we could arrange that. Is there a particular reason you want to meet her?”

 

The girl is quiet for a few moments, “…I’ve never met one before.”

 

Clarke has to bite her lip while her heart splinters for the little girl, innocent and an orphan. Clarke looks around at the other nightblood’s in the room, she sees much of the same: innocence that the world and Titus are trying to rip away from them. She understands the need to teach them how to be ruthless, to do what is necessary to protect their people. She gets they need to be guided to be strong and to teach them about sacrifice. Their blood has already predestined them for a life of leadership and sacrifice much like herself so she _definitely_ understands. But that doesn’t stop her from thinking there should be more of a balance for them. They shouldn’t have to sneak around for affection or kindness from Lexa or Clarke. It should be freely given in the open because they fucking deserve it. Love and compassion are just as important for leadership in Clarke’s eyes.

 

She thinks about Charlotte killing Wells. She thinks about the young girl who sacrificed herself by jumping off a cliff to stop the fighting between the delinquents. Clarke has always secretly felt that she failed the girl; she was blind to see her true pain and when she did see it, it was already too late. She silently vows to try her best to keep that from happening again. To atone for her mistakes once more. She sees similar pain in Kai’s eyes when she looks at her, she’s sees Charlotte, she sees someone she needs to protect. She sees someone she already cares for.

 

And sitting here on the floor with that seven year old orphan makes her resolve about it all strengthen and harden. Having her curled up to her side shows her how much they all desperately crave loving contact. It’s human nature that Titus’s lessons attempt to rip from them piece-by-piece, day-by-day. She remembers how starved for a human connection Lexa had been. How tentative and unnatural it had felt for her to show affection openly to Clarke. She really needs to ask Lexa how her heart remained so strong and loving when her whole life has been trying to harden and blacken it.

 

And with all of that, in one afternoon, Clarke begins to see that her heart and mind have already made this decision for her.

 

But to voice it to Lexa would make it all too real and she’s not sure she’s ready. _Not yet._

 

So Clarke turns her attention back to Kai. She puts and arm around the girls shoulders and brings her into her side. She smiles when she feels the tiny body melt into her. The young girls eyes even flutter shut and Clarke can hear her take a deep inhale just taking Clarke in. She runs her right hand through her hair, “I’ll introduce you to her tonight at the festival, how does that sound?”

 

The girls eyes open wide and a huge grin forms, “Yes!”

 

“Yes what?” Clarke gently scolds.

 

“Yes _please_ Clarke,” The girl says with a nod. Then, “Do you think she will breathe fire for me?”

 

Clarke stiffens and tilts her head, “Why do you think she can breathe fire Kai?”

 

“Aden told me all mothers can.”

 

And Clarke relaxes slightly and glances at the blonde boy sitting with Zora. “Of course he did,” She mutters.

 

She looks back at Kai, “Mother’s can’t breathe fire, at least none that I know of.”

 

And the girls face falls because _duh Clarke_ she’s an orphan and she wouldn’t know; Clarke could slap her forehead for not realizing the hope Kai was carrying went far beyond the ability to breath fire. A mother was a fictional character to this child never knowing her own. Her hope was that a mother could keep her safe, warm, protected. She's looking for what we all hunt for in life,  _security and love._

 

Clarke sucks back the sob that was threatening to choke her and speaks, “A mother’s fire isn’t something you can necessarily see Kai, it is something that you feel. Their strength has literally carried the human race forward, you know they bring life into the world right? Well after they bring that life in it is their duty to protect it or die trying.”

 

The girl blinks a few times, “Is Heda a mother?”

 

Clarke raises her brow, “Um…yes, in a way. She is a mother to the people of the coalition and a mother to TriKru. She's never carried one of her own.”

 

“But she can’t breathe fire?” The girl is double-checking.

 

Clarke laughs, “No, no she can’t. She protects us in other ways, some subtle and other not so subtle.”

 

“I heard she cut a man in two once while her entire army watched. Then, the whole clan bowed to her and gave her their allegiance.” Kai whispers as if it’s a secret.

 

Clarke smiles at her, “Then I think my point is made.”

 

Kai nods affirmatively. “...Clarke?”

 

“Yeah kid?”

 

“When you marry Heda will you be a mother too?”

 

Clarke sighs and rubs the girl's back, “I _already_ lead people of my own Kai.”

 

“Right,” the girl hums sinking in to Clarke a little more, “and when you have your ceremony you’ll be like my mother.”

 

And Clarke’s breathing stops because that’s exactly what she would be to these kids if she took the role as Fleimkeppa. Her heart pounds a little harder because of the hope and happiness the notion brings to Kai’s voice. She doesn’t say anything because if she does she’s definitely going to cry for a plethora of reasons she doesn’t dare to reopen right now. She clears her throat and squeezes Kai one last time before getting up. "I'll see you tonight okay?" It's all she can give her right now.

 

Octavia, who was listening from the windowsill, follows her out of the room and down the hallway. “So... that was intense.”

 

Clarke hums in agreement.

 

Octavia glances at her, “Are you going to tell me what’s going on in that blonde head of yours because I know it wasn't just her questions? Is this a Wanheda thing or a Clarke thing?”

 

Clarke huffs, “A bit of both I guess?”

 

“Clarke, talk to me. You’re as white as a sheet right now.”

 

Clarke stops and faces the brunette. She pulls her by the arm to the closest empty room. “You know how we’ve been keeping tabs on Titus?” Octavia nods. “Well, it’s a little more than that…”

 

“Spill the tea Clarke, you never were good a beating around the bush.”

 

“Lexa asked me if I would consider being Fleimkeppa,” she blurted out.

 

Octavia’s eyes bulge out of her skull, “On top of Wanheda and being in charge when she’s not around?”

 

Clarke nods, “I mean, she’s _mostly_ going to be around and I’ll need to keep myself occupied to at least feel like I’m contributing something more...”

 

“But?”

 

“But I was thinking more along the lines of educating or healing,” Clarke confesses.

 

Octavia furrows her brow, “Why can’t you do it all? Why can’t you help Lexa raise the next commanders _and_ create an education system? Why can’t you also be a healer? Fuck, why can't you teach them about healing, you know they could definitely use it.”

 

“Wanheda isn’t typically the name I would associate with _literally_ any of that."

 

The brunette shrugs, “But _Clarke Griffin is_.”

 

And fuck. She’s right. She’s silenced Clarke with one sentence and she knows it judging by the smug look on her face. 

 

“We all know you’re more than just names and titles Clarke. It’s who you are that will make any of this possible,” Octavia finishes opening the door. “Now are you quite done because I am starving?”

 

And Clarke follows her towards the dining hall lost in thought. She thinks about seeing her mother in the healers wing and the smile on her face. She thinks about the good she could do for those kids. She considers how far her and Abby's combined efforts could take the grounder's health. She thinks about how much good their combined education systems could do for their people.

 

She thinks about how right this was all starting to feel.

 

And it is a small, warm rush of love and a roar from her heart that tells her she's almost ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mamma bear Clarke coming soon to a theatres near you.
> 
> *wakes up from her dream extremely pissed*


	19. Festivus For The Rest Of Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoever said "festivus for the rest of us" I hope you're happy because I can't get it out of my head now. But here's part 1 of the festival.

Clarke is standing on the balcony to their room when Lexa finds her. The brunette smiles and when Clarke turns her head to say hello. Lexa pulls up behind her and simply lays her head on her shoulder and puts two arms around her waist pulling herself flush with Clarke’s back. The blonde hums happily and tilts her head to allow Lexa’s lips to land on the skin of her neck peeking through her coat. Clarke’s hands find their way to fold over Lexa’s protective embrace and they take a silent moment together looking at the city below.

 

It’s dark now, the fires are lit and the city is still quite alive. The Winter festival doesn’t begin until the moon is at it’s highest, it’s sort of poetic that it starts on a new day just like the winter promises new life come spring. The excitement is buzzing and there are a lot more fires burning tonight giving off warmth and light. The courtyard has been transformed in a day to accommodate the city and crowds expected.

 

“How was your day Clarke,” Lexa murmured in her ear softly between soft kisses to her neck.

 

Clarke shrugged a little, “It was really good actually.” It really was she quite enjoyed her day with the Natblida’s. She let out a little sigh, “They’ve really made me think.”

 

She can tell by the small smile against her neck that Lexa knows what exactly who and what she’s talking about.

 

“I am coming to terms with it, I know I am and I want you to know that... But, just give me time okay?”

 

“You have it,” Lexa says softly but seriously. It is very important to her for Clarke to not feel pressured in the Flamekeeper decision. She doesn’t want her to feel pressured to take it and maybe resent the decision. She wants her to _choose_ her path for herself.

 

“I’ve been meaning to ask you how you turned out the way you did. And none of this ‘it was all you Clarke’ because I know you felt for everyone long before I came along,” Clarke says as Lexa begins to sway her a little in her arms.

 

Lexa takes a deep breath and takes a moment before she answers. Clarke was totally right, she was going to (and does) attribute a lot of her ability to feel and care to the blonde. But that’s not the answer Clarke is looking for; she’s searching for the reason _before_ she came along, the one that allowed her to love Costia.

 

The brunette sighs, “I think a lot of it was my mother and Roma. I saw my father die when I was very young, he simply never came home from the battle. My mother was broken, sad and alone. Then Roma began coming around more and I saw my mother fix herself, I watched her heal a little more with each visit. I saw love spark between them. They were together as much as possible after that.” She squeezes Clarke a bit tighter, “They taught me that the world will try to break you, they taught me to fight back.”

 

“I wish I could have met them,” Clarke says quietly tracing lines on Lexa’s hands on her belly.

 

“They both would have adored you Clarke. I assure you of that.”

 

“That doesn’t really explain how you continued to feel so much, you left them very young Lex.”

 

The brunette nods against her shoulder, “Anya, Luna, Ziva and Costia helped me along the way. I carry their influences with me. Caring for them taught me to care for my people. They were my people so it was easy. And because I know you’re really asking me how I came out from under Titus’s tutelage I’ll tell you right now what I didn’t understand then.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“It was my own conscience, my own interpretations of the documents in the annexes and Alex. She was guiding me before I ever ascended without me realizing it. I always inwardly cringed when Titus would tell me ‘love is weakness’.”

 

Clarke hums, “We owe a lot to them don’t we? Alex and Claire.”

 

“Yes we do,” Lexa murmurs against her skin again ending it with a soft kiss.

 

“So, how was your day Lex?” Clarke asked softly.

 

Lexa beamed into the skin she rested her lips on, “It’s much better now.” Her voice is light and airy now.

 

“Are you excited for tonight?”

 

The brunette nods, “I am. I am glad to be able to share this with you Clarke. I can’t explain how much joy it brings me.”

 

And Clarke understands why that is. It’s been years since Lexa has _felt_ like celebrating anything. It’s been years since the brunette _felt_ she had a reason to. So Clarke grins and speaks honestly, “I’m excited too.” She doesn’t know what to expect outside of alcohol, food and music so she really is curious to see a celebration like the winter festival take place. “We better get ready.”

 

When they are dressed and ready to head out Clarke is both speechless and breathless. In the soft glow of the candles and fire in their room Lexa is illuminated displaying a deep blood red winter jacket. Its length hits her mid-calf, her shoulder guard and sash are in place making the coat pop. Her tall black boots appear to make her legs longer (if that was possible). Her hair is down, soft curls circle around her neck to fall gently on the right shoulder. She wears no war paint, and light makeup with her Commander’s headpiece firmly set. Her green eyes are bright and lit with excitement.

 

Clarke had a choice of jackets brought to her for the festival. She could tell that Lexa had each one personally commissioned because every one was blue with red accents that matched Lexa’s coat. She opted for the long blue coat that draped around her and was tied with a velvet red sash around her waist. Her hair was pulled back in a high ponytail with a few tight braids laced in it. She wore tight black pants and her new knee high boots. She watched while she let Lexa place her three assassins blades upon her body, taking care to note each blade’s location.

 

Lexa also brought out a shoulder guard of her own. It was smaller in size but more detailed, it was made of a thick rubber but had metal pieces layered on it for added protection. When she looked closer as Lexa buckled it on she saw a small imprint, about four inches big, in the most prominent piece of flat metal.

 

“What’s that,” She asked pointing to the design. It was a small perfect circle with what appeared to be wisps branching out from it in every direction. It almost looked like the sun with flames to Clarke.

 

“It’s your mark,” Lexa hums clicking the buckle securely.

 

“My mark?”

 

Lexa smiles and heads to the table beside their bed. She returns holding a small leather bound book. She opens it for Clarke and hands it to the blonde. “I had the bathroom cleaned before you returned so you didn’t see it.”

 

Clarke looks to the page and sees the same design, “You drew this?”

 

Lexa nods, “From memory, that is what was singed into the bathroom’s cement floor when you disappeared the other day. It is your mark. The mark of Wanheda, or Heda Kom Faete, honestly you can take you pick.” She smiles warmly looking at the page.

 

And Clarke knows in that moment the second mark she is going to have tattooed on her body. The first will be the drawing she made that represented her and Lexa. She’s even been practicing in secret a couple hours a day with one of the vendors on how to mark a body in hopes to surprise Lexa. The brunette had wanted to teach her because Lexa wouldn’t allow anyone else to put the mark Clarke drew on her body. Clarke thought she’d be quite pleased to find she already knew how to do it. She was even getting better at it. She had marked two of Lexa’s guards already and they seemed quite pleased.

 

She sighs tracing the design in the book, “It’s kind of beautiful,” Clarke admits.

 

“That shouldn’t surprise you considering who created it.”

 

Clarke smirks, “Smooth.” Then she kisses her sweetly. “Thank you, I love it all. Really Lex, thank you.”

 

Lexa beams and the genuine tone of Clarke voice, “You don’t have to thank me Clarke, it makes me happy to do these things for you. Now are you ready to go? We should pick up the brats on the way down.”

 

Clarke grins and puts the final touch, her dagger, on her thigh. “Which one’s”

 

Lexa laughs, “the older ones.”

 

Not long after they locate Raven and Octavia.

 

* * *

 

The festival crowd begins to form before they arrive. Octavia had trouble getting Raven to sit still long enough to put some braids in her hair so they were late. They were each dressed warmly in coats Clarke assumes Lexa also had commissioned for them. She discovers that Lexa is _incredibly_ gay when she sees them; their coats accent each other’s as well.

 

The courtyard has been lit with ten fires surrounding it and a larger one in the middle. Lexa’s throne had been brought out and placed on a large platform with the flags of the coalition waving proudly behind it. There were torches beside the stalls holding the beverages and food and the crowd was already lively. There was a heavy thudding of drums beating in the background along with some various other instruments that looked like no instruments Clarke had ever seen before.

 

Lexa leaves Clarke’s side to go to the podium. When she stands in front of the throne the crowd noise and music dies off in anticipation of the Commander officially starting the festival. Lexa smiles at the crowd, “We gather tonight like so many times before to kick off the new year! I invite you to share drink and food with each other. In the spirit of solidarity and friendship we welcome SkaiKru to their first Winter Festival!” She nods to the group. “Tonight we also welcome the _return_ of Wanheda.”

 

The crowd (the ones that still thought she was dead) gasps and looks around to see Clarke standing by the middle fire pull her hood down to reveal her bright blonde ponytail. Murmurs and looks of awe begin to surround Clarke who is simply watching Lexa with fire in her eyes and love bursting form her heart. Without trying or focusing the fire beside her flares a little higher into the night.

 

“To make this night even more special, I wish to announce the impending union between Wanheda and I,” Lexa says loudly to the crowd. Before it can get out of hand in shock, applause or outrage she continues, “Let the festival begin!”

 

The drums and music kicks up and Lexa sits at her throne and nods to Clarke with a smile. Clarke understands, right now Lexa needs to remain out in the open, easily found in case anyone wishes to speak to her about the announcements. She doubts anyone should try to negatively address it here due to the fact that she literally could cut them down for even attempting it without stepping out of line with her rule. Clarke knows, she can kill anyone just because she doesn’t trust them.

 

Clarke scampers off to join the SkaiKru who are seated at a table by one of the drink vendors. They make space for her beside Abby and Bellamy. “So was that announcement of the union for our benefit or theirs?” Bellamy asks her.

 

“Everyone’s,” Clarke replies accepting a cup of wine from Mira. “Thanks,” she says politely to the girl in Lexa’s service. “Are you going to celebrate with us?”

 

Mira looks at her wide-eyed, “No.” Then the girl scurries off to the other end of the table to serve drinks.

 

“This is different,” Abby muses watching the crowds.

 

“Good different?” Clarke asks her after another large sip of wine.

 

Abby nods with a smile, “ _Great_ different. I wish Markus was here to see it.”

 

“Yeah,” Clarke says agreeing, “He’d be living it up right now.”

 

“I’ll just have to enjoy it enough for the both of us,” Abby says taking a large guzzle from her own cup.

 

Clarke laughs and sips her drink again. She looks around and sees her friends having a great time. The longer they spend at the festival the drunker and louder everyone seems to get. Their smiles are contagious and their stories are becoming more and more wild. Some are dancing freely around the fire. There’s a lot of mingling going on between every Kru that came for the festival. She spots Luna speaking with Lexa both with wide smiles on their faces. Clarke grins happily when she sees Lexa tapping her foot to the beat of the drums.

 

This was going to be a good night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did this in like an hour and a half so the mistakes are due to time/this mornings writers block...
> 
> The next update may come tomorrow for Sunday Funday (FTWD) but if not expect it Tuesday at the latest because I kind of have a life? ...(Not really but weekends and mondays are tough to write without distractions) But also the chapter is going to be sort of long I am expecting...
> 
> *runs away screaming*


	20. Festivus part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE UPDATE! You better love me.
> 
> The Festival will be done in 3 parts.  
> Prepare to drown in both feels and fluff.
> 
> Happy sunday funday! (Watch FTWD tonight on AMC.)

With the beat of the drums and the warmth of the fires the festival feels alive.

 

The atmosphere is incredible; the sounds, the cool winter air mixing with the heat of the fires and alcohol is sensory overload. It’s wonderful and unexpected for Clarke to find she feels as relaxed as she does. She hasn’t had too much to drink but she’s definitely feeling loose and enjoying herself. In the back of her mind she knows that there are threats lurking outside the city walls, but the spirit of the festival is too contagious to be ignored. So she’s bubbly and her face hurts from smiling so much.

 

She feels younger than she has in months.

 

She feels eighteen again.

 

The crash of noise against Clarke’s ears mixed with what she’s feeling - both physically and emotionally - is taking on a life of its own inside her. She doesn’t think she has anything to compare to how she feels at this party. Unity day, birthday parties, whatever she had known before was _nothing_ compared to this. She was surrounded by people that cared for her and that she cared for. She and Lexa had been stealing hidden moments together here and there as the night went on. They had been sharing quick kisses and subtle touches every so often, before someone or something pulled them in a different direction.

 

With everything she was experiencing at the festival _nothing_ compared to how Lexa’s smile was making her feel. The brunette’s features were absolutely lit with excitement and enjoyment. She looked _almost_ free but Clarke can tell she’s still totally in control of her actions and words; still stoic enough to be commanding but _lighter_ ; there’s a breath of fresh air about her that can’t be missed tonight.

 

Currently, Clarke is dancing up a freaking storm with Octavia, Bellamy and Echo. The four of them are hopping and jiving to the beat of the drums with huge grins and slightly sweaty brows. Bellamy has Echo pulled in close and intimate. Octavia is just alive with movement, she's wild and free. There’s laughter echoing around them, shouts of enjoyment and loud stories being shared to waiting ears everywhere.

 

My god, the _food_ is incredible tonight. It's so flavorful and abundant. There’s plenty of it to accommodate the crowd and everything they have tasted so far has been mind blowing. Clarke had already watched Octavia scarf down _more_ than her share of meat and ale but here she was watching the warrior bump and sway her hips with a giant drumstick in her hand. Her face was flushed, her mouth full and her chewing grin wide.

 

“What are you staring at Griffin?” Octavia asked spinning in a circle once.

 

Clarke shrugs and grabs her meatless hand turning her around a second time with their enjoined hands above the girl’s head, “Just you.”

 

“Easy Griffin, I’m taken.”

 

“You wish O – _actually_ I was just wondering where you put it all,” she teases, allowing Octavia to spin her now.

 

Octavia laughs, “Ah, well Raven and I burn a lot of calories you know…”

 

“Ugh,” Clarke cringes, “I’m sorry I said anything.”

 

Just as she turns around with a weird flail of her arms she finds Luna watching her happily. The blonde grins and beckons her over from the table and Luna smirks after her gaze quickly flickers from Clarke to Lexa and back again.

 

Clarke’s seen that mischievous look before and she immediately regrets what she’s done. Her body keeps bobbing and swaying with the music but Luna is fluid when she stands and begins to walk towards her. She is liquid and flowing through the bodies, her eyes and playful smirk on her face smolders in the light of the fires and moon. Her approach is not at all what Clarke had expected; Luna looks intent on something entirely not innocent. Clarke’s eyes flicker from Luna to Lexa who seems still completely oblivious to the sultry approach of the clan leader. The blonde finally breaks her slight shock. Controlling her features once more and raising her brow, she's about to ask Luna what exactly she thinks she’s doing when Lexa has suddenly appeared in front of her blocking the woman instantly.

 

“Can I ask you what you’re doing?” Lexa says cocking her eyebrow to Luna.

 

Luna chuckles and answers quietly. “Out of my way _commander_ , I’m on a mission.”

 

Lexa checks over her shoulder and suddenly the hard lines of her face soften, as she looks not at Clarke now, but passed her.

 

The blonde furrows her brow, awkwardly still dancing because her body seems disconnected from her mind right now, and follows the gaze as well. She laughs boldly and flings her gaze back to the two in front of her. Luna was totally checking out Harper and _not_ Clarke.

 

The blonde eases her hand onto Lexa’s shoulders and boldly spins the woman to face her. She instantly closes the gap between their bodies and begins to move with her. Easily they find a rhythm and Clarke hears Luna’s whisper in her ear on her way to Harper, “You can thank me later Clarke.” You can hear the grin in her voice.

 

Clarke grins herself, she _definitely_ will have to thank the tall spitfire because this is the first time all night she’s had Lexa in her arms and their bodies flush.

 

She has been wishing, hoping and quietly begging the universe for it all night. Now she has it she quickly falls into it as if it’s as natural as breathing. Their bodies move on their own, their eyes locked in a deep gaze, hearts banging along with the drums in their ears.

 

“You look so elegant tonight,” she softly murmurs in Lexa’s ear. Her fingertips gently graze Lexa's shoulder and brown curls that lie there.

 

The brunette hums and slides a hand smoothly over Clarke’s hipbone and lower back, “Thank you _niron.”_ She even kisses her cheek innocently but the reaction it sends through Clarke is _anything_ but innocent, it blazes and flushes her instantly. What follows makes her melt and burn with desire as it’s whispered in her ear, “But, any elegance I exhibit pales in comparison to how you shine; The moon tonight has made you appear godlike and I want nothing more than to _worship_ you if only given the chance.”

 

Clarke can’t stifle the small moan and instant heat she feels curling at her stomache. The fire closest to them even flares.  _Godlike._ That’s _exactly_ how she’s described Lexa numerous times.

 

Willing her body to relax and not jump Lexa’s bones right there she quickly reminds Lexa (and herself) where they are, “You better take it easy with those compliments. You’re _dangerously_ close to letting your words cash in rations your body can’t right now.”

 

Lexa purrs and grinds a little firmer against her knowing exactly what she’s trying to say, “Am I making you _uncomfortable_ Clarke?” The brunette clicks the ‘k’ and Clarke’s knees weaken per usual.

 

She hides the bodily response by jerking her hips into Lexa’s as payback. She is instantly gratified by the sinful groan the woman lets out at the touch. Clarke smirks and pushes back trying to dominate the dance more, “The real question,” she pushes her knee purposefully against the brunette’s core and pulls her hip forward, “is if _I’m_ making _you_ uncomfortable.”

 

“My god, think about the tiny humans you two.”

 

Octavia’s quiet scolding burns Clarke’s cheeks with a flush. Lexa merely grins and cocks and eyebrow. To top it off the brunette not to subtly _thrusts_ a wave of heat and lust into Clarke to burn with her own. The blonde’s eyes flare at the feeling and she has to bite her bottom lip and tear her eyes off of Lexa to control her urges.

 

The sexual tension between their two bodies is so thick right now she’s _almost_ thankful Octavia is attempting to buffer it. Clarke laughs in a way that is obviously forced and dry from how her desire parched her, she begins pulling farther away from Lexa. She needs to create the distance right now or they will definitely regret it because their control is just a breath from being lost.

 

Lexa obviously felt the same because her flushed cheeks and smouldering gaze travels instantly from Clarke to the throne. It helps clear the fog of desire and burning want but she lets her hand linger slightly against Clarke’s before taking a deep breath and reconnecting their eyes. She kisses the back of her hand and takes her leave saying ‘to be continued’ only with the gesture and her eyes.

 

Clarke swoons, because honestly, _how could she not?_

 

Deciding she needs a _very cold_ drink, she turns her attention off of Lexa and onto the closest drink station.

 

She downed the ale in on two large gulps before seeing the Raven speaking with Abby by a table of food. She makes her way over and greets them happily. Raven smiles wide when she approaches, “Hey Clarke. Guess what your mom just told me.”

 

The sparkle in her eye tells Clarke she shouldn’t even try to so she just tilts her head and raises her eyebrows expectantly. At this point Abby has made a move to keep the next words from leaving Raven’s mouth and Clarke _knows_ she doesn’t want to know. Not that Raven cares because she deftly swings out of Abby’s hands trying to cover her mouth and whispers in a way that sounds like a hiss, “Kane is _hung_.”

 

“Ughhhh,” Clarke exclaims with a revolted face; leaving Raven hysterical at her reaction and Abby very flushed and sounding like a teenager when she slaps Raven’s arm and scolded her with a hiss of her name.

 

“I believe I said _satisfying_ ,” Abby says obviously feeling pretty good from the alcohol and trying to make this all somehow better for Clarke to hear.

 

Clarke’s eyes bulge and her bottom lip curls in disgust, her arms gesture in a 'wtf' gesture. “…Ugh? That is _not better_ mom.”

 

The blonde rolls her eyes and immediately is looking for somewhere else to be. She has to get out of here because Raven is getting far too much enjoyment from this and her mother’s filter is _lacking._

 

Clarke spots the group of Natblida’s standing at the corner of the courtyard. She looks back at her mother, “Can you eat something maybe? I have some children I’d like you to meet at some point. I made a promise to a little girl and I’d hate to disappoint her.” She’s laying the guilt on because she knows Abby is a sucker for kids. Her mother instantly nods and begins to drag Raven to sit down and eat with her.

 

“Ugh,” Clarke mentally tries to scrub her ears clean of what she heard while her body shivers in revulsion.

 

She sighs and heads towards the Natblida’s. The closer she gets she finds she’s relieved to see Titus isn’t around; but suddenly, she’s slightly unnerved at the sight of them. They are all standing at attention, stoic faces and straight backs. They look like statues, like guards watching over the festival.

 

Present but at the same time removed from it all.

 

She hates it.

 

She hates, hates, _hates_ _it_.

 

_Not one smile._

 

None of them have a smile on their face. None of them have a spark of excitement in their eyes, no mirth or real enjoyment. She sees what they are: _kids,_ aged seven to sixteen and not one of them smiling in an _absolutely_ smile inducing atmosphere. Her heart breaks for them individually as she takes in each face separately.

 

Lastly, she sets her gaze on sweet little Kai, she sees the icy blue eyes lacking in enjoyment but yearning for it all the same. In her, she sees a tiny Lexa standing as tall and stoic as she could muster.

 

Clarke’s eyes find the real Lexa who is currently in talks with Ziva and Ryder. Determination fills her instantly.

 

Clarke saw Lexa let loose not fifteen minutes ago. She saw her  _really_ let loose while they danced together. She saw true happiness in her smile and eyes tonight and she found herself determined to let these kids experience it as well. Titus was nowhere to be seen, she didn’t see any point in them pretending they didn’t wish to let it all go and enjoy themselves as well. She wants to see them loosen up, she wants to see _smiles_ and hear their laughter. She’s spent days with them and has yet to truly hear them all laugh.

 

She goes and stands beside Aden and Zora, “You guys look like you’re having fun.” She says it dryly and challenges them with her eyes.

 

“’Fun is a luxury reserved for your people’,” comes the response from Aden who raises his chin.

 

Clarke knows that it’s a quote and she feels hatred coil inside her because she knows _exactly_ where it came from. _Titus_.

 

“Fun is what makes leading your people worth it. If you can’t enjoy the good times with them what makes you think you know that they _want_ them?” Clarke asks not so innocently challenging him. She’s manipulating with the best intentions right now.

 

Aden looks at her from the corner of his eye. She can tell what she said has made some sense to him. She’s not trying to tear away all their teachings; she’s trying to build upon them, to offer them alternatives. She wants them to have somewhat of a choice on how they conduct themselves in different situations just as she and Lexa have learned to. She wants to show them that it’s possible to have both duty and a _life;_ not just have one but _experience_  one _._  

 

Clarke begins to bounce a little with the change of song and beat. She playfully bumps her shoulder into Zora thinking she may be easier to crack, the girl simply shifts and stands just as Aden is once more. Clarke huffs and continues to dance even picking up her movements. “I lead my people, I will lead alongside Heda. I’m having loads of fun tonight,” she tries again. She catches a small smile from Kai who has glanced at her movements.

 

Clarke smiles widely, she knows how to move this along now.

 

She bumps and swings around to stand in front of the smaller girl, she hold out her hand to invite her to dance with her. She sees the cautious glance the girl sets on Aden, Zora and finally Lexa.

 

Clarke gives her a reassuring smile and gestures with her hand beckoning her to take the first step, “It’s okay Kai, trust me. Beja?” Her voice is light and sincere, she’s trying not to pressure the girl at all. She is painfully aware that she’s going against everything these kids have learned from Titus right now.

 

She sees Kai’s resolve crack at her request instantly and the girl firmly grasps her tiny hand in Clarke’s. In that moment Clarke understands, she has Kai's trust. Unwavering and strong.

 

_Hopeful._

 

 The blonde pulls her closer and even scoops her up onto her hip and holds her close spinning them around. Kai is powerless against the giggle that escapes her. She holds on tight to Clarke as she swings her around and sways with the music. Clarke can feel the girl begin to relax in her arms, she feels her let go and lean back, arms spread out wide with a gleeful squeal, as the blonde spins the two of them around.

 

And Clarke is powerless to stop the laughter and smile that her own body creates from it all. Her and Kai swing and move around and around in the fire and moonlight. The girls laughter grows exponentially making Clarke’s heart absolutely roar along with her in delight. She sees _purity_ in the girls eyes, genuine happiness and excitement on her face. She is positively bubbling over as Clarke sets her down and lets her find her own motions. The girl is awkward at first but then swiftly finds the beat.

 

Her movements become beautiful in a way that takes Clarke's breath away.

 

She’s sharp as she swings her arms out, her legs bend and straighten with the beat. Her feet prance lightly on the ground and she swings her hips. It looks like an interpretive dance, like a warrior’s dance and all she is missing are the blades. She is fast and precise but fluid and loose. It’s mesmerizing and heart warming for Clarke to watch the pure joy splash across her face.

 

Shortly after they are joined by Raven, Octavia, her mother and Luna. They’re all merrily captivated with Kai’s motions and quickly join her in dancing. The little girl positively glows with the attention.

 

Clarke takes the chance to sidle next to the older kids who are watching her a little more intently, all with a little more curiosity. She can tell they want to join in, they want to relax and let themselves breathe, but they aren’t. _Not yet._  

 

She hasn’t failed to notice their glances land on Aden and Zora the oldest and strongest of them all. Clarke knows she won’t get them to crack unless the leaders of the pack do too.

 

“You see this indulgence as weakness?” she asks them pausing her dancing and standing before them. When they do not answer she knows they are conflicted. She glances around to find Lexa; the brunette is all teeth in her smile and delight in her sparkling green eyes as she too watches Kai dance not far away. Clarke swoons and her heart thumps out heat and burning love for that woman. Lexa’s face doesn’t change as she feels it and catches Clarke’s eyes. Blue to green meet and Clarke has suddenly forgotten what she was doing.

 

When Lexa breaks the gaze with a burst of heat and love sent to Clarke the blonde clears her throat and attempts to clears the fog in her head. “Heda is enjoying herself, she is celebrating with her people tonight. Dare I say it she’s having _fun_. Is she weak?” She asks the eldest students. 

 

The two kids answer simultaneously:

 

“No.”

 

“ _Never_.”

 

Clarke smiles when she gets the answers she expected. “Then how about we take a lesson from _her_ instead of Titus. She is celebrating because she has fought and bled for us all to have anything to celebrate. We dishonor her actions and sacrifices for not partaking.”

 

She knows she’s struck a cord with her ‘dishonour’ comment. She knows these kids revere Lexa and her teachings above all else. She knows they’ve been brainwashed by Titus but she sees that she can reach them. She can teach them a different way, one in which they can make it through the darkness by seeing the light at the end of it.

 

There's a _better_ way.

 

She watches their resolve and stoic exteriors crack, first Zora, then Aden as they catch each other’s eyes and blush. Clarke catches the awkward immediate glances away and she sees Zora kick at the ground shyly. Clarke grins and grabs the girl’s hand pulling her towards the crowd of dancers knowing it won’t be long for Aden to follow.

 

And right before her eyes she sees _every single nightblood_ join them.

 

They are tentative and hesitant in their movements but they quickly begin to let loose with the beat and enjoy the freedom it provides. Her heart swells as she laughs along with them. Abby is swinging her hands and twisting her hips with Maks and Peyton, the boy and girl giggling and stomping their feet with her. Raven is awkwardly moving and stumbling around trying to mimic Kai, who is trying to teach the mechanic her moves and loving it. Octavia is making her own moves up and people are being forced to watch her space less they get an accidental kick or elbow as she twitches to the beat. Luna is swaying and grinning alongside Aden and Zora who keep shyly looking from the ground to each other. 

 

After a while, Clarke takes a break with Raven to get some water for her thirst. She chokes on her sip as Kai crashes into her leg holing her around the hips tight. “Oomph,” Clarke grunts at the impact and adjusts to keep her drink from spilling.

 

“Clarke! Clarke, that was so fun Clarke. Did you see me Clarke? I taught Little Bird to _dance_!” The girl squeals in excitement proudly using Lexa’s nickname for the mechanic.

 

They both laugh at Raven's raised brows. Clarke lays her hand on her head and ruffles the deep auburn waves, “I saw that Kai, you were _way_ better than Raven.”

 

The girl hums proudly and pulls on Clarke’s coat, “I didn’t even know how to dance an hour ago. Did you know that?”

 

Raven laughs and bumps her shoulder with her hand, “You’re a natural squirt.”

 

Kai wrinkles her nose. “Squirt,” she tests the nickname out on her tongue. “Squirt. Squirt! _Squirt_.” She inflects it different each time with a cheeky smile.

 

Clarke laughs as bends and picks up the girl to bring her to sit on her hip. The blonde feels overwhelmed with the need to hug that cute little bundle of giggles. So she does greedily and without restraint.

 

She has Kai tight to her chest and left hip, the little girls arms are slung naturally around her neck and her face is buried into her neck. It is a real tender hug, one that tells her Kai has never given one or received one like it before.

 

She hugs her tighter, eyes closed and absorbing everything. She knows then that she loves this kid. She knows she loves and cares for them all. She’s become _invested_ without meaning to. She’s never going to be able to turn her back on them now.

 

Kai’s hug tells her they need her.

 

The way her heart is roaring tells her she needs them too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Screaming into the void*
> 
> Why do I do this to myself?


	21. With Warm Hearts and Cold Bodies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So if any of you make fan-art you should totally feel free to make some for the stories because  
> 1\. I would love it  
> 2\. I would low-key swoon  
> 3\. Beja?

Her eyes are clamped shut tight and she is bursting with emotion. She smells fire, earth and sunshine as she breathes deep. It could have been a minute or two, or even a lifetime later, Clarke wouldn’t know. She was lost right now; the party, noise and excitement were all in the background while her focus was on the seven year old girl in her arms.

 

She was currently so lost in the feeling of Kai's tiny body against her. The girls legs were wrapped tight around her hips and her arms squeezing as tight as possible as if Clarke was going to disappear. And when she does finally open her eyes she can’t contain the grin on her features or ignore the heart warming gaze Raven is giving her.

 

“Come on mamma bear let’s go find a seat. My leg's a little sore,” the mechanic beckons her away.

 

“Are you alright?”

 

“Yeah, yeah thanks," Raven says. "This is to be expected remember, pain is something I'm used to. It's nothing I can’t handle.”

 

Clarke lifts Kai a little further up on her hip and begins to follow her friend. “I know,” she says softly, sadly and truthfully. Raven can endure anything it seems; she’s always been resilient, Clarke has always considered her _constant_. Everything about her friend screamed strength and she undoubtedly deserved way better than the difficulties life had thrown at her.

 

As Clarke holds on to Kai she follows Raven to sit down at a nearby table. She sets the girl down to sit on one side while Raven sits across from them. Clarke keeps a protective arm around the young girl’s shoulders because Kai doesn’t separate the sides of their bodies at all. She only sinks further into Clarke with her head resting in the crook of her shoulder with a yawn.

 

“I gotta admit, she’s cuter than Octavia,” Raven quips.

 

Clarke nods turning her gaze fondly to Kai, “Without a doubt.”

 

“You’re really good to them Clarke,” Raven says turning her head to see the other Natblida’s dancing and having fun.

 

“They deserve it Rae,” the blonde hums. “They deserve so much more than this life has planned for most of them,” she adds with a soft brush of her hand over Kai's arm.

 

Raven chews her cheeks for a moment and nods. “Yeah,” she says. Then softer, “Yeah, I get that.” They both understand that these kids are going to experience death, blood, battle and sacrifice at some point. It's just fact, life on the ground is like that - _for now._

 

They both fall quiet in those thoughts while Clarke’s hand absent-mindedly strokes the soft waves of Kai’s hair. The girl had already begun to doze off against her side in the early morning hours and soft moonlight. Her eyes are closed, her soft sleepy grin present and her breathing slow. She's utterly  _relaxed_ in Clarke's safe embrace.

 

It brings a soft smile to the blonde's lips because the festival is nowhere near close to dying down. She’s happy to see the excitement has tired Kai out; she’s thrilled that the young girl experienced something completely _normal_ tonight and her little body was responding accordingly.

 

Clarke runs a soft thumb against the girl's round cheek. Her heart is bursting with love as she looks at her, it’s overwhelming and surprising how fast and how strong it has grown. This is terrifying,” she confesses so quietly she is unsure if Raven could even hear her.

 

“What exactly?” Raven asks eyeing the two across from her and smiling.

 

“ _This_ , how normal and good this feels. How connected I feel to her, to _them,”_ Clarke explains softly. She accepts a refill of water from Mira with a nod of gratitude before the girl switches to fill Raven’s cup.

 

“Thanks Mira,” the mechanic says gesturing with the cup happily. The girl nods, gives a weak smile, backs off but stays close should she be needed again. Raven looks back to the blonde. “Clarke, you basically stepped off the dropship with a bunch of strangers and immediately felt responsible for them, _cared_ for them. Are you _really_ surprised the same has happened with these cute little killer kittens?”

 

Clarke chuckles softly, “Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t be.”

 

“You’re fucking right you shouldn’t be," Raven playfully scolds. "Had I known what I know now I would have cleaned up! Fuck, I could have put rations on it.”

 

Clarke furrows her brow, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“ _Fleimkeppa_ Clarke," Raven says with a wave like she should have known.

 

Clarke’s eyebrows raise and she immediately looks around and leans closer, “Shhhh, keep it down will ya?”

 

She’s internally cursing Octavia for letting that secret slip. She’s going to have to beat some sense into her second tomorrow at training. For now, she hopes Octavia has a very large, very demanding hangover in the meantime.

 

Raven pulls at her collar with a finger and a grimace, “Fuck. Sorry, I didn’t think it was a secret.”

 

Clarke rolls her eyes, “For a genius you can be really thick you know that.”

 

“Explain,” the genius says haughtily.

 

The blonde huffs out a sigh, “You really think Titus is going to be okay with this? You think Lexa has _mentioned_ it to him?" She shakes her head and furrows her brow, "Think about it: _me_ replacing him. The man can barely stand our relationship or me as it is. I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case he gets some bright idea to come shoot me or something moronic.”

 

Raven purses her lips, “Ah. Right. ...Blame it on the alcohol?” she shrugs apologetically with a frown.

 

“Just keep this between us ...and apparently I need to remind Octavia of her duties to me and don't you dare warn her Reyes! That was not her information to share and you know it." Clarke scolds quietly. When she sees the slightly hurt expression on Raven's face she quickly steps in to remove it, "Don't get me wrong Rae, I wanted to talk to you about it, I was just waiting until _I_ was ready.” 

 

Raven nods and give her a sympathetic smile, “It's alright Griff. I get, no worries.” Then she tilts her head, “For what it’s worth Clarke I have total confidence in you. I think you’re _exactly_ the person needed for the job.” She smiles and offers a hand across the table for Clarke to hang on to, “I’ve spent _hours_ in those annexes and leafing through that journal you showed me. From what I've learnt: You, Lexa and both of your actions represent who and what these kids need to grow up to be; you’re compassion and strength, fury and love.”

 

She smiles warmly, “You’re each balanced in your own rights but somehow, together, you manage to balance each other out in ways none of us expected. You’re both examples of not only _leaders_ but also what _leadership requires_." She pulls a loose hair behind her ear, "Forget the mountain, forget the fighting and battles; look at what you’ve done for them tonight alone. Octavia has been spending _days_ with these kids and she said she’s never seen them like this – ' _acting_ _like kids'_. They were so awkward at first when you got them to dance and look at them now - they look free. _Young_.”

 

Clarke sees what she means as she directs her attention to the party not far from them. The older Natblida students are still dancing lively, there are wide smiles and barks of laughter as they bump and move to the beat of the drums.

 

“Besides,” Raven waves her water cup around and whispering, “You _literally_ hold flames now. If that doesn’t scream _flamekeeper_ to you I don’t know what will make you see it.” She smirks triumphantly.

 

Clarke gives a small shake of her head and chuckles softly. She refrains from rolling her eyes because, well, she has a point.

 

“…I think. I think I’m going to do it,” Clarke confesses after a few more minutes.

 

“I know,” Raven responds simply. “We were just waiting for you to figure it out,” she finishes as Abby comes over with Luna.

 

"Thanks Rae," Clarke whispers before the new additions arrive tot heir table.

 

When they sit down Luna is smiling wide. There's a twinkle in her eye and crinkles in her skin where her cheeks meet them, “I see where you get your energy from Clarke but your mother could definitely teach you a few moves.”

 

Abby laughs with a light hand on Luna's shoulder, “I haven’t danced like that in _years_! This is so much fun!” She’s bubbly and excited; her exclamation wakes Kai who stirs against Clarke’s side.

 

As Mira begins to offer drinks to the table, Clarke leans over slightly and jiggles Kai gently to coax her to wake up further. “Kai. Kai, wake up. I’ve got a surprise for you,” she says softly.

 

The ice blue little eyes flutter open and the sleepy grin spreads wider across her face. She smacks her lips a few times and Clarke offers her her cup of water. The little girl thanks her softly and holds it with two hands swallowing it all. Mira promptly refills it for them and Clarke thanks her while Kai's tiny fist attempts to rub the sleep from her eye.

 

“Kai, remember what I promised you?” Clarke asks giving her a little squeeze.

 

The little girl looks excitedly now at Clarke, fully awake and nodding. She glances at the two new ladies seated with them a little nervously and Clarke’s heart melts. “Which one is your mother Clarke?” she whispers softly in the blonde's ear with a small flush to her cheek.

 

Before Clarke can answer Lexa sits down with the softest, warmest smile on her face seeing Clarke with her arm still around Kai. The blonde returns it quickly and turns her attention back to the young girl. She points at her mom and speaks, “That one’s my mother. Her name is Abby.”

 

Kai looks at Abby shyly. Her glance flickers from Abby to Lexa and back to Clarke.

 

Clarke smiles softly and squeezes her tiny arm lightly. “Remember your manners,” she whispers trying to coax the girl to respond. She can tell the nerves or excitement, or possibly Lexa’s presence, has made her tongue disappear. She hasn’t really met this side of Kai, she’s never come across the shy quiet girl that sits beside her now.

 

Kai swallows and sits a little straighter gaining strength from Clarke. “Hello Abby of the SkaiKru, my-my name is Kai Kom TriKru.” Kai manages to squeak out. Clarke notices the soft proud grin on Lexa's face from the corner of her eye and her heart flutters.

 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Kai,” Abby says warmly. “I noticed your moves out there. You’re really good!”

 

Kai lights up at the fact that Abby noticed her, “I could teach you!” she offers. “I tried to teach the little bird but,” she pulled her hand to the side of her mouth and whispers, “…I fear she’s hopeless.”

 

Abby laughs and Raven slams her hand on the table, “That’s it. I challenge you to a dance battle squirt!”

 

“I’m in!” Abby says happily standing again and offering her hand to Kai. The little girl checks her glance at Lexa then Clarke, who smiles and nods to encourage her. "I better not see anyone bleeding after this," Clarke playfully warns.

 

“No way I’m missing out on this,” Luna says merrily like the giant child she can be and standing.

 

Kai giggles and hops up as well bounding forward to grab Raven's hand. "Come on little bird, I'm going to teach you how to fly!" Kai squeals as the three of them skirt off together to dance some more. Clarke watches fondly as the three of them begin to hop around and sway together. She feels Lexa move to sit beside her and lay a hand on her thigh. Clarke keeps her eyes on the dancing but leans into Lexa instantly. The brunette moves her hand from her thigh to be placed around her lower back. Her hand holds her hip securely, and her lips ghost over Clarke's ear, “You’re really good with her Clarke.”

 

The blonde sighs happily, “She’s really good with _me_. She’s taught me a lot about myself.”

 

She feels a soft kiss laced to her temple before Lexa speaks softly, “I wish to thank you for what you have done for them Clarke. I know you are still apprehensive about what I asked but I want you to know, even if you don’t take the position, I want you to be a part of their lives. No matter what Titus says, I won’t keep them away from you if that is your wish.”

 

Clarke melts and looks at those soft green eyes, “You don’t have to thank me. It feels a lot like instinct when I’m with them. It feels _right.”_ She appreciates Lexa’s words, she understands that she is letting her know she can have whatever relationship she chooses to have with them. She won’t restrict her, she won’t force her and she won’t refuse her.

 

Lexa hums and squeezes her closer, “I’m happy they can provide you so much joy _niron.” love._

 

Clarke sighs happily, “I should be thanking you actually.” She squeezes Lexa’s thigh, “I never would have met them if not for you, I never would have known I had any sort of motherly instincts.”

 

“Well I find that silly. Are you _really_ surprised that you are good with them or that you care for them? Because you really shouldn’t be, everything about you screams-” Lexa’s mouth abruptly shuts as a real scream fills the air.

 

It cuts the music, the banging stops and the crowd stills.

 

Both women’s eyes bolt towards the sound, Clarke’s hand clenches the thigh it’s on and Lexa stiffens her arm around her protectively. A second later and they are moving, instantly standing and heading toward the screaming woman near the centre fire. The crowd parts easily for them, everyone fully aware of the two Heda’s presence. The air about them is serious and their stoic masks are set firmly on their faces.

 

When they get close enough to see what happened they find the woman still screaming into the silence. Clarke stiffens as she sees a body lying at the women’s feet, there is a man wiggling around and clutching his throat. There is blood pooling and pouring out of his mouth onto the cobblestone beneath him. Clarke lowers herself swiftly to roll him onto his side to help clear his airway and the gurgled scream that escapes him chills her.

 

More shouts have erupted and there's a jostling in the crowd behind Clarke. “Let her pass,” Lexa says loudly gesturing to Abby who is currently pushing her way forward.

 

Abby falls beside Clarke and they both begin to assess the issue. They are both pushing and prodding, moving the body to look for the source of the blood. “Clarke lay him on his back,” she tells her, “hold him still!”

 

Clarke can barely hear Lexa barking orders and making the crowd give them space. Two warriors move to help the healers keep the man still by holding down his shoulders. Abby is looking hard in a frenzy of movements, she's moving the man’s coat and clothes looking for a cause.

 

She gasps, “His lung is punctured.” She moves the man’s coat, wiping at a small trace of blood with his shirt to reveal a small, nearly invisible stab wound between two ribs.

 

Before anything can be done the man dies under their hands and two more screams fill the night. The crowd shifts again and more screams echo around them. Body after body falls in gurgles against blood in their throats. Five already dead, two in the process of dying.

 

“Assassins!” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm sorry. I never meant to ruin this," she whispers.
> 
> *Runs away*


	22. Chaos breeds Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This definitely doesn't end in a cliffhanger.

 

Lexa really was having a great time tonight. She felt younger than she has in years. She had a reason to celebrate tonight, a big one, Clarke is finally here at one of the festivals. The first of many. She finally has her future wife beside her and able to enjoy what life _could_ be on the ground; after months of worrying about Clarke's wellbeing after the mountain she had her, they were promised to each other. They almost have it all, everything they've ever wanted.

 

The festival was in full swing, there were smiles all around and she could _feel_ how happy everyone was. To her people she looked the most relaxed she had been in years, smiling and mingling with all of them. To those, like Clarke, Luna or Ziva who knew her well she looked _somewhat_ relaxed but very much in control. Still protective and watchful unable to fully let her guard down. 

 

She knows better. 

 

But that doesn't mean she's not enjoying it all. She's very present and not removed like she had been for so many years. The last festival she had attended with a true smile on her face was with Costia. So mostly, she spent her night stealing quick glances at Clarke and trying to sense the woman’s emotions. She was beyond thrilled that the blonde had been carefree and enjoying herself all night.

 

She deserved it.

 

To top it off she got to witness Clarke and Kai grow closer before her very eyes. That was _easily_ her favourite part about tonight.

 

It was not seeing Clarke teach her Natblida’s how to enjoy themselves, it was not seeing the blonde dance and let loose - no – it was seeing her bond with a child that struck something deep within Lexa. She saw a side of Clarke she always knew was there but so seldom got to see her explore. Having the tiny bundle of innocence that was Kai remain in Clarke’s orbit most of the night was something Lexa will cherish forever and seeing the heartfelt moments the two had shared that night will stick with her until her final breath.

 

And when the first scream echoes into the night Lexa stiffens her arm that’s around Clarke. She raises her chin and takes a quick breath. She would be lying if she said she didn’t expect something to occur tonight, she was just hoping she would be wrong.

 

The festival has been going on for hours now, the majority of the attendees are drunk of their faces. It makes sense that an attack would occur now when their defenses are lowered. But Lexa was never one to be unprepared, she had certain members of her guard and employ remain sober and inconspicuous in the crowd. They were hiding in plain sight.

 

And one of them were already dead.

 

When she hears the loud bellow of “Assassins!” erupt in the crowd she flies into action despite her blood momentarily running cold. Her eyes flare in anger and her orders leave her lips. “ _Find them,”_ she hisses at her warriors in trig. _“Lock the city down! No one enters or leaves until I have the guilty on the trees_!”

 

Her people are in motion around her in an instant. Ziva has made her way over, curved blades out and eyes pealed for threats.

 

In a mere matter of seconds, the chaos has erupted around them. It’s dizzying how fast the atmosphere has changed from jovial to dreadful. Deadly.

 

People are moving, the crowd pushing and shoving against each other in their fear and haste. People are screaming, falling over in the rush and already being trampled. You can hear the muffled screams and crunching of bones as they crash along.

 

Clarke is on her feet and immediately poking and prodding at Lexa. The brunette tries to push her hands away as she is handed one of her swords from Ryder, “I am fine Clarke.”

 

"Quiet," Clarke hisses low for only her ears. The blonde doesn’t relent at all, she is moving Lexa coat looking for similar punctures to the first body, “You wouldn’t know Lexa, the cuts are so fine and your people’s pain tolerance is so high none of them felt the initial wound. They had to be stabbed at least an hour ago for that much blood to finally choke them.”

 

She sighs in relief and places both palms flat on Lexa’s chest before she jolts in surprise as Ziva drops a man dead at her feet.

 

That’s when they all realize how _violent_ the crowd had gotten.

 

Ziva did not kill an assassin; she killed one of their people to protect Clarke and Lexa from being trampled. And she would clearly do it again as she hurls a woman and then another man out of the way.

 

Lexa has already been screaming more orders as Clarke finishes her inspection and explanation of what she was looking for. Then she has her free hand on Clarke’s pulling her in motion behind Ziva making their way to the next closest body. Octavia lands beside Clarke when she stops to find this woman had the same wound as the first man. 

 

“It’s the same,” she confirms loudly before standing again and rejoining her hand with Lexa’s.

 

The next thing they see is Ziva snarling and engaged with a hooded warrior, both curved blades out and ready to end his fight. She hears multiple swords being unsheathed and even more chaos erupt.

 

“Clarke!” Octavia is shouting at her, “What do we do?”

 

Clarke looks at Lexa, “We fight back.”

 

Lexa nods, letting go of her hand and shoving a young man back from running into Clarke. “You carry no sword tonight Clarke! This isn’t safe for you!”

 

Clarke slips her hands into her coat and pulls her two assassins blades out. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not running away,” she counters whirling so her back is flush with Lexa’s and she kicks away the next body threatening to run into them.

 

Octavia is snarling and has her blade out, “I need to find Raven! She'll never get out of here alone, not with her leg!”

 

“She’s with the nightbloods,” Clarke screams back before she falls over with the weight of a body on her.

 

Lexa snarls as the force makes her stumble, she spins swiftly and hauls the body off of Clarke in a smooth motion tossing it aside. “Go Clarke! Titus has been missing all night, get them back to the tower!” Her mind is racing; her legacy of novitiates is in danger from both the chaos and the assassins. It’s time to put her faith in the true flamekeeper’s hands whether she’s ready tonight or not; she knows Clarke cares enough to do this for her.

 

Clarke is already standing again. Lexa can see her indecision and conflict instantly even with the chaos around them; she can tell Clarke doesn’t want to leave her here in the middle of this. “Clarke, I need you to do this,” she presses and spins to clothesline the next person threatening their space dropping him instantly.

 

Clarke nods and trips over a body cracking her elbow hard against the ground when she lands. She loses one of her blades and it clinks along the cobblestones never to be seen by her again. She rolls, then stands and Lexa shoves Octavia towards her, “Run! Go nau!” _Go now,_ she orders.

 

She can’t spend another moment watching them; she tears her eyes from Clarke’s frightened blues and focuses on her task as Octavia finally drags Clarke away.

 

That’s when Lexa sees them. Four more hooded figures, cloaked in black, stalking through the chaotic crowd towards her. She twirls her sword and steps forward in a rush. As she moves, Luna, who holds a spear with blades on each end, joins her on her left. On her right is Ziva bounding forward, ignoring the blood leaking from her arm and pushing to get to the threats first.

 

Ziva launches into the air swinging both blades in a wild arch above her head and bringing them down across the chest of the first hooded man. Luna’s war cry echo’s her actions as the woman floats to the ground on her knees and takes out the legs of the next man, Lexa twirls and cuts his head off before he hits the ground. Luna is up and leaping over Ziva with her spear out immediately halting the threat coming beside her as the women finishes her kill. Lexa engages with the next man and Ziva storms beside her stabbing him in the side and twisting her blade before shoving him to the ground.

 

“Heda!” Luna cries out as she stabs her spear into a woman's hooded body, she’s looking behind Lexa.

 

Lexa brings her shield up just in time as she turns and see’s an axe inches from her face. It’s halted in her glow and the woman’s surprise, she’s unable to finish her swing, their eyes lock briefly and Lexa snarls triumphantly. She sees the blade of the axe begin to glow red from the heat of her protective glow and the woman drops it in shock. Lexa elbows her in the face, breaking her nose and forcing blood to stream from it. She head-butts her and the woman falls to the ground unconscious. She doesn’t kill her; she’ll question her later if she’s not trampled to death first. She ignores the blood dripping from the gash it caused on her own forehead.

 

Her glow remains up as the next woman comes her way, a little more hesitantly as she sees the ghostly, glowing figure of Lexa. Before the brunette knows what's happening her burning rage and hatred feels like it's exploding from her all at once, the light emitting from her chest radiates blindingly bright. She screams as it consumes her and the next thing she knows she's pushing out with her free hand. She's still feet away from reaching the threat but she feels energy pulse from her hand and the woman screams violently as a thrust of energy sends her flying into the air and out of sight into the crowd. Her shield drops with the forceful push of energy.

 

Lexa has a split second to look at her hand and connect the dots that she did that before more hooded assassins begin to expose themselves. All three women are immediately engaged in battle once more. Other warriors have joined their cause to protect their Heda now though. _Her_ people surround her, proving they are prepared to fight and die alongside her once more. She sees Boat Kru, Plains people, Glowing Forest, SkaiKru and TriKru fighting together.

 

The hooded figures are quickly becoming outnumbered. Lexa continues to snarl and stab at them leaving her shield down but now using her energy to assault. It is becoming easier and easier for her to use it. She is  _thrilled_ to find she has an offensive side to her energy that has revealed herself. She feels powerful and ready. More determined than before. Every time she sends another assassin hurling to the ground with it her Heda side smirks internally.

 

She's fighting two at once, blocking and striking with her sword and energy. She easily pulls up and drops the shield; she easily strikes with both energy and blade now. She finds an easy rhythm. She spins and cuts the air with a growl, her sword slices across a woman's chest. When she lands to kill her she shoots her free hand out sending the other one jolting backwards hard.

 

Then she is blindsided with a strike to the face from a new attacker. She grimaces as her tooth runs through her lip on impact. Lexa growls feral-like as she spits the black blood out and pulls her lip from the tooth imbedded there. Her shield comes up as she twirls, kicking the man in the side of the head before spinning back the other way and stabbing him right through the throat and out the back of his neck. The Heda within purrs at the sound and sight of the blood as she pushes the man off her blade and to the ground limp.

 

Seeing even more of her warriors join them she knows the assassins, the ones who remain fighting, are outnumbered now. She shouts her orders out in trig, “ _Keep the remaining assassins alive, I want answers! Anyone who tries to run loses their legs!”_

 

Clarke crosses her mind but she doesn’t seek her out. Instead, she senses her while she continues to fight and then disarm the closest assassin; Lexa breathes a little easier finding that Clarke isn’t feeling a lot of physical pain, she’s just a flurry of panic and worry mixing with her strong determination. _Ste yuj,_ she thinks as she sends out as much love and support as she can right now given her current situation.

 

Her own determination fills her and hardens her exterior. She lets Heda loose, she’s no longer holding her back, she lets her rage and need for justice overcome her and push her forward.

 

Whoever launched this attack will die by the edge of her blade.

 

She swears it.

 

* * *

 

 Wanheda is alert.

 

She can smell death in the air. She can feel its ghostly presence growing stronger with each second.

 

Clarke, on the other hand, is panicking. 

 

She’s trying not to but she can’t help her nerves. Her heart is racing, her blood is boiling and she feels out of control. She can feel her energy humming inside her violently as her panic and fear rises. She knows the fires in the courtyard keep flaring because of her but she is powerless to control it right now.

 

Octavia is pulling her by the arm but the blonde’s eyes are focused behind her. They are trained on Lexa until the crowd swallows her from her vision.

 

“Clarke! Come on!”

 

“Octavia I have to go back to her! I can-”

 

“YA CAN’T CLARKE!” The brunette shouts, stopping abruptly and shaking her forcefully by the arm. Their eyes lock and Clarke knows she right. “You can’t go back to her, she asked you to do something for her because she trusts you, so let's just do this for her and deal with the rest later!”

 

Octavia begins dragging her again and shoves the next person blocking their path out of her way. Clarke hangs on to her now as she is pulled through the chaos. She sets her mind to the task Lexa charged her with and she curses Titus out loud. It’s his fault she has to separate from Lexa, it’s his fault he’s not here watching over those in his charge. He dishonours his position tonight; he dishonours them all.

 

“I can’t see them,” Clarke shouts over the crowd noise while her eyes begin to search for the kids.

 

“No shit, most of them are my size!” Octavia screams pulling her harder and body checking the next person in her way.

 

“Wanheda!” A man’s voice cries out menacingly in the night.

 

Clarke is clubbed in the back of the head and she falls hard to the ground losing her grip on Octavia. The brunette is snarling and immediately launching herself over Clarke and onto the man’s chest. She clings to him like a monkey, her feet on his torso, her left hand clutched to the back of his neck and her right hand guiding her sword as it slowly enters his chest right through his heart. He falls in slow motion, like a tree that was cut down at the base, and Octavia rolls to her feet gracefully as he lands pulling the sword from his chest.

 

Clarke iso on her feet and they are hand in hand again running in the direction she last saw the kids. This time, she’s leading the way and growling as she slices with the assassin blade in her right hand into the throat of the next hooded figure she sees blocking them. She struck before he could even gesture a threat against them. Octavia leaps over the body and screams, “This way. I see Aden!”

 

Clarke doesn’t hesitate at following the new direction Octavia is pulling her in.

 

“Aden! Zora!” she shouts when they’re close enough. They both have training swords out, obviously dull but she doesn’t miss the fact that they both have red blood on them already. Her heart skips a beat as she sees the younger kids behind them. Octavia is letting go of her hand and flying into the arms of Raven who is bleeding from her lip and holding a large timber like a club.

 

“Are you okay,” Octavia asks hurridly as her free hand begins to check Raven’s body for serious wounds.

 

“I’ll be fine when we get the fuck out of here!” Raven says giving her a squeeze.

 

“Where’s my mom,” Clarke asks looking around wildly. _Fuck._ "I left her back there!" She's looking for Abby but also an escape route.

 

“She went with Echo and Bellamy to the healers wing, I saw her a minute ago, she’s fine!” Raven shouts as Octavia kills another hooded figure coming towards them. Clarke lets herself have the briefest moment of relief at the news before she lets Wanheda take over.

 

“We need to get them to the tower, NOW!” Clarke orders while scanning those before her. Aden and Zora nod and begin gesturing to the other students who are weaponless. She charges forward leading the way as she sees an opening. “No one gets left behind!” she shouts over her shoulder beginning to run.

 

They bob and weave as a group into the early morning and out of the crowd. Her and Octavia are about to engage with a new attacker, as they get closer to the tower. “Raven, take the kids and go!” Clarke orders as she sees the threat.

 

The mechanic is hobbling as fast as she can. With a nod she is pulling Peyton by the arm as she goes towards the tower. The other nightbloods are in tow along with her. Zora is leading the way protectively, her dull training blade up and ready.

 

Aden falls behind and joins Clarke and Octavia as a second assassin comes out of the shadows. They were waiting for Clarke to retreat here because they both sneer her title with loathing when they see her. Whatever the purpose of the attack tonight she's not surprised she's a target as well.

 

Before Clarke can tell Aden to join the others the boy is running in front of her to block the attacker. He ducks the man’s swing and spins catching the mans leg with his blade as he passes. The blade is too dull to cut properly through the man’s thick winter pants and only stumbles towards Clarke from the impact. The blonde is ready and her blade instantly catches his chest as her other hand clasps tight around his throat. She twists the knife and head butts the man when she realizes she hasn’t had the kill strike. He stumbles and Aden’s sword connects with his head with a whack. The boy swings and connects a second time as the man is falling, he swings a third time finally cracking the skull and leaving the man to die at his feet.

 

Clarke stumbles forward and pushes him out of the way as Octavia gets thrown in their direction. The brunette lands on top of Clarke sending them both to the ground in a heap of pain. Her head smacks the concrete and she groans and sees stars. Clarke shakes her head out of the daze of the impact and shoves Octavia off of her, “You okay?” She goes to stand as Octavia nods and spits the red blood from her teeth. They both charge forward to help Aden once more.

 

They aren't quick enough. 

 

The boy screams in pain as the second assassin’s blade pierces his lower side and he throws him to the ground. Clarke snarls instinctively and before she can even think about it her free hand is holding fire and hurling the swirling ball she created at the man. She barely registers his wild scream of pain as the ball of flames ignite his clothes and send him hurling backwards five feet to the ground. The flames begin to eat away at his clothes and burn his flesh slowly swallowing him and his screams as he dies slowly. She doesn’t take notice, she doesn’t feel pitty or remorse, she focuses on the boy who tried to protect them.

 

"Aden!"

 

Her and Octavia haul him up and swing his arms over each of their shoulders. They begin dragging him into the tower. “I’m fine,” he moans weakly.

 

“You’re not _fine_ Aden, you’re anything but fine right now.” Clarke huffs as she feels his blackblood begin to stain her coat that’s pressed against the wound on his side. “Fisa! Fisa’s now!” _Healer! Healers now!_ She barks as two of Lexa’s guards break their post and come to aid them. The men are carrying Aden now and she is quickly at his side as they do so. “Ste yuj Aden, my mother will help you. _Fight!_ ”

 

“I will Clarke,” he gasps through the pain, “The others, my brothers and sisters. Zora-”

 

“I’m going to them now,” she cuts him off with a light hand on his chest all of them still in motion. “Don't die on me,” she says sternly and the boy grins through the pain. With that she hurries off towards the elevator where Octavia is waiting impatiently tapping her foot.

 

Clarke snarls and grabs her arm pulling her to the stairs, “That’ll take too long.”

 

Octavia doesn’t protest, instead she bounds ahead of Clarke and up the flights of stairs.

 

When they stop at the nightblood’s floor her blood runs cold once more.

 

They aren’t there.

 

“Where are they?” Octavia hisses.

 

Clarke shakes her head, “I don’t know. Raven would have tried to get them as safe as possible.”

 

Octavia is out the door pulling her once more, “Then she went up!”

 

They run the stairs three at a time until they’ve reached the throne room level. They are panting, their mucles screaming in protest and their burning lungs unable to provide the oxygen they need. Clarke feels lightheaded and dizzy but she continues on her mission. She needs to see their faces, she needs to _know_ they’re safe.

 

The guards at the door hastily open them for the two girls as they hurry in. Clarke falls to the floor when she sees them all huddled together by the throne, Raven seated on the steps and holding Peyton in her lap. Zora is standing stoic, blade still held at the ready and eyes determined. “Aden?” she questions them before they can say anything.

 

“He’s being looked after now, he took a blade,” Octavia gasps bending over and wiping her brow of both blood and sweat.

 

“Go to him,” Clarke orders the young girl knowing it will ease her mind to see him. They lead their group of Nightblood’s together. They’re family. Zora hestitates. “That’s an order, take Miles with you, we only need one of the guards outside.” Clarke confirms still sucking back wind. The girl nods and leaves quickly.

 

Raven is standing now scooting Peyton off of her. She pulls up beside the two women and whispers, “Do we know anything concrete yet?”

 

Clarke shakes her head, “We will soon enough. Where’s Titus?” she growls.

 

Raven shakes her head; “I haven’t seen him-” her words are cut off as the bald devil crashes through the door.

 

He has a shock etched across his features when he barges in, “Lexa? Where is Heda!?” He roughly grabs Clarke by the shoulders and shakes her.

 

Raven, Octavia and every single nightblood still present in the room is standing behind her glaring at him. He quickly lets go of her and bows his head reminding himself of who she is and what she is to Lexa. Clarke rages at the sight of him, how _dare_ he put his hands on her.

 

“She’s out there _alone_ because you were ignoring your duties!” Clarke growls accusingly. “I should be out there, fighting beside her not covering for your mistakes!”

 

As she steps forward to knock Titus down a peg or four, Raven interrupts.

 

“Clarke. Where’s Kai?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops. 
> 
> *still running away*


	23. Life on The Ground is Like That: Fleeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This isn't edited because obvi 3 chapters in one day is fucking ridiculous...but I couldn't leave you hanging that bad.
> 
> Anyways, Kai my little bean, where you at girl?

There is fire in her eyes and rage in her heart right now.

 

Clarke is ready to skin Titus alive as she moves forward.

 

As she takes the second step Raven interrupts, “Clarke. Where’s Kai?”

 

Clarke’s raging heart stops mid beat. “No,” she whispers in disbelief as her eyes leave Titus and she immediately scans the small scared faces she sees. Her blood has frozen in her veins and her breaths have become tight and restricted. There’s more than just Kai missing.

 

“Maks is missing too,” Clarke declares after the headcount. Her eyes are wide, her head spinning and her chest hurts. A lot.

 

She clenches her fist. She hasn’t even taken up the flamekeeper position and she feels she’s already failed them. She doesn’t have time to dwell on it, she can think about her shortcomings and where she went wrong later. Right now, she needs to _act_ and try to fix things.

 

She turns to Octavia and Raven, “Watch them. I’m going back out there.” She whirls on Titus, “You’re staying here too. I am _sure_ Heda will have some questions for you to go along with mine later.” She finishes her sentence of with a violent jab to his chest.

 

Clarke takes one last look at her friends and the kids before she storms towards the doors. Once outside them, she hears the click of the door shutting and the guard resuming his protective stance once more. She doesn’t stop walking as she turns the corner and flames erupt from her palms to encircle her. She doesn’t stop her stride as she lets the warm heat and swirl of the flames carry her from the second highest floor of the tower to outside.

 

She feels the familiar sense of power and the hum of her energy as the travelling weightlessness overtakes her. A second later, she is landing solidly mid-stride on the cobblestones out front of the tower. Immediately after, she is scanning her surroundings looking for both a threat and the two missing Nightbloods. Seeing nothing substantial but citizens of Polis still running towards their homes, she begins to run back towards the courtyard and bulk of the noise.

 

“Kai! Maks!” She screams as loud as she can while she runs forward.

 

She’s forced to leap over multiple bodies as she goes. Whether they fell from blades or being trampled she did not notice. Her eyes had only three things she was searching for right now. Only three things would register: Lexa, Kai and Maks.

 

There are still plenty of people in the courtyard. The original chaos has already begun to die down and the moon is dying off as the sun threatens to rise.

 

“Maks! Kai?” she shouts mid-breath.

 

“Clarke?” she hears Lexa’s voice coming from the far right.

 

The blonde changes her direction to head that way. The crowd around Lexa parts and she sees multiple bodies by her feet, living or dead she doesn’t know, doesn’t care at the moment. The brunette’s eyes are wide and quickly scanning Clarke for any obvious wounds. The blonde is running full tilt as she crashes into Lexa who catches her by the forearms. “What’s wrong?”

 

Clarke is momentarily stunned and the words die in her throat as she sees Lexa up close. She shivers right through her spine, Lexa is _covered_ in blood. Her hands begin to feel and push at Lexa much like they had earlier, first on her body and then her cheeks and neck. She is shocked when she sees the blood on her face and lips. It’s all black. _Hers_. She has a large gash on her forehead and a very swollen punctured bottom lip. “Jesus,” Clarke says about to rub the blood from Lexa’s cheekbone before the initial shock of seeing Lexa bloody leaves her and she curses herself for panicking.

 

“Clarke?”

 

The blonde shakes her head and begins to speak frantically once more, “Kai. Maks, have you seen them?” She’s frantic and Lexa’s face tells her she hasn’t. Clarke curses again and lets go of her searching their surroundings again. She shoves away as Lexa tries to grab her to keep her steady and Clarke bursts through the crowd screaming at the top of her lungs, “Maks! Kai? Kai!”

 

Her heart is breaking as the possible outcomes fill her mind. The ‘what if’s’ over power her and her mind runs blank only to be filled with the image and feeling of Kai wrapped around her as she swung the two of them around dancing. Her lionheart is calling out to the girl she has such a song connection to. She can feel it pulling her through her chest.

 

Without thinking she responds to the pull.

 

 _It’s instinct_.

 

Without breaking her run, the flames erupt around her to shocks of disbelief and she vanishes.

 

It’s a mere second later when Clarke’s feet hit the ground again this time in slushy snow and in thick tree cover. Her running stride doesn’t relent she just continues forward. And that’s when she sees two bodies laying face down in the snow, on haphazardly laying on top of the other. She screams unnaturally and quickens her pace. There’s no whiplash, no shock from the travel just panic at the sight before her.

 

There’s dark red blood staining the white slushy snow and earth. There’s so much of it she knows the larger body is dead. Wanheda can _feel_ it.

 

“Kai!” Clarke calls out as she falls with a whoosh of her coat into the snow and she pushes the larger body off of the girl. The soft waves of auburn hair are wet from the snow and blood and stuck to the girl’s head. There’s a deep gash on the side of her head, traces of her blackblood is splayed out in the snow and on the side of her face. Her body feels cold, too cold. She’s breathing, but her pulse is very weak.

 

Clarke doesn’t hesitate; she quickly looks for any other significant wounds and opens her coat by untying her sash. She scoops the almost frozen body against her chest and closes the coat around them both. She has one arm tucked under her bottom and the other pulling her closer.

 

She holds her tight, the small girl’s head is in her right hand as she cups her cheek and speaks, “Kai. Kai it’s me Clarke. Open your eyes.” She’s pleading and panicked, her voice cracking. “Kai,” she gently shakes the girl and rubs her free hand on her back holding her close. She hears a soft whimper escape the girl and her heart floods to radiate warmth in relief and love. She feels it escape her body and immediately begin to warm Kai up within her coat.

 

“C-C-Clarke,” the girl shivers against her chest coming back to consciousness.

 

“Kai, what on earth are you doing outside the city walls,” Clarke says in relief as she holds her closer and kisses the side of her head.

 

“M-Mmm-Maks. No one gets left behind,” Kai explains in a weak voice repeating the words Clarke told them when she tried to get them to safety.

 

“Where is he child? Where did he go?”

 

“He-he fell!” Kai cries out opening her floodgates for her tears. “I tried Clarke! I tried to save him!” The little girl is wailing now so intensely it runs straight through Clarke’s bones. The blonde begins to look from the man dead at her feet to the surrounding dimly lit woods. She sees a tiny blade sticking out from the man’s throat and she understands. Kai killed this man. It is then that she sees the smaller body in the distance behind a tree trunk.

 

She sees the black blood stained on the snow; so much, _too_ _much_. She knows the fate of Maks without having to move closer and expose the girl in her arms to the sight. She cradles Kai’s head into her chest and swallows her own tears. She has to stay strong for her, she can’t afford to break down for Maks just now.

 

They _literally_ aren’t out of the woods yet; her and Kai are very much vulnerable right now.

 

“Shhh, Kai. Don’t cry.” Clarke murmurs through cracked emotions and standing up and moving. She keeps Kai tucked into her chest, wrapped tight in her coat, her body radiating heat to her to prevent hypothermia from setting in. “Now is not the time for tears, we have to remain strong. Your brother’s and sister’s need you, can you remember what happened?”

 

She hears a sniffle from her coat and feels hot tears on her neck. “They wore hoods! They had bone faces,” the girl squeaks out and shivers once more. Clarke can feel her begin to panic and soon she’s hyperventilating. “Maks followed them. I tried to stop him, but we were too loud they found us and sent one back to kill us. I tried. I tried to save him! No – ‘No one gets left behind!’ I’m so sorry Clarke. I- …I’m unworthy of my blood.”

 

Then she feels the panic attack wash over the girl like a tidal wave.

 

She can’t catch her breath. Her body is shaking like a leaf from the cold, her sobs and her panic.

 

“Kai, Kai listen to me. You were very brave to go after him. You need to breathe kid,” Clarke says rubbing her back slowly and continuing to walk. “Listen to my voice and feel my chest against you. Try to match my breaths.”

 

She squeezes her closer. “Focus on the heat of my skin,” she coaches and she feels the tiny frozen hands skimp beneath the collar of her shirt. Tiny cold fingers splay out on her collarbones. It chills her but she just pushes more love and heat out for her. “That’s it, you’re doing great Kai. Now, can you feel my hand on your back?”

 

She feels the girl’s breathing remain tight but she nods and sniffles against her chest. Clarke adjusts her hand that is under the girl’s bottom keeping Kai secured to her torso and rubs the other one slowly on her back once more. “Good Kai, try to focus. Each time my hand moves I want you to try to breathe okay. Focus on my hand now.” Her right hand moves slow.

 

Clarke keeps walking towards the city walls with Kai clutched to her; it takes a solid minute for the girl to remotely calm down. Before she can exit the trees she sees a bright light glow in thin air a few feet from them. She stops and her breath hitches, her arms tighten around Kai and she bends her knees. She is prepared like a panther protecting her young.

 

Suddenly, she relaxes as she sees the glow grow white hot and familiarity fills her.

 

She knows that glow; she knows that sense of home that washes over her as it grows. She flinches as the light blinds her but when she opens her eyes again Lexa is coming clear silhouetted in the glow before it begins to resend back into her chest.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa says relieved coming forward. Surprising herself, she stumbles and falls to her knees in the slushy snow from the shock and, by the looks of it, sense of whiplash. Clarke knows that feeling well, she recognizes the signs.

 

“Lexa,” Clarke blurts out rushing forward. Kai swings her head around as Clarke moves, “Heda Leksa!”

 

“Are you alright,” Lexa says shaking her head and using Clarke’s outstretched hand to rise.

 

“We’re fine Lex. Right Kai?” She glances at the girl on her hip. Then she looks back at Lexa and tilts her head, “Did you just- …did you do what I think you just did?”

 

Lexa looked at Clarke’s wide-eyes and shrugs. “Well it’s a little less of a flourish than flames but I guess I will take it,” she replies.

 

Clarke furrows her brow, “We’ll discuss that development later. I have _sensitive_ news.” Clarke hesitates hoping Lexa will sense her warning that this next part is going to hurt. She sees her beautiful features harden slightly as she braces herself for the news. When Lexa raises her chin and gives the ‘I’m ready’ with her eyes Clarke licks her lips. She looks at Kai taking a breath and throws caution to the wind; she can drop pretenses with only Kai with them right now, and this is too painful, too _sensitive_ for her to be formal with Lexa. She would rather speak to her as Clarke and not Wanheda to deliver this news. She knows this is a rare opportunity to hear such a thing in somewhat privacy and not in front of her warriors and people where Lexa _must_ remain strong. She wants to give her the chance to brace herself, to let a tear fall if it escapes without shame.

 

“Em’s Maks Leks,” _It’s Maks, Lex,_ Clarke swallows because this hurts her too, “em gonplei ste odon.” _His fight is over._

 

And her words, as expected, cut Lexa to the core right before her eyes.

 

She sees it crack any remaining commander façade and she wishes she wasn’t holding on to Kai right now so she could hold her instead.

 

Turns out, she doesn’t have to wish because Kai is incredible and is immediately stretching out from under Clarke’s coat toward Lexa. Clarke mimics her motion with her free hand.

 

Reading both their minds and gestures, Lexa is rushing into them. Her arms circling around the both of them, her head ducking in beside Kai’s to Clarke’s chest. Clarke’s free arm wraps around Lexa protectively. She holds her girls while they silently sob for Maks together.

 

They allow themselves a moment of weakness in the arms of loved ones to build their strength back up.

 

“Lexa,” Clarke says quietly after a minute. “Hey, look at me. We’ll be okay. We’re okay, but we need to move now. You need to get to the city. Aden was struck, he’s with my mom and Echo. I’ll bring Kai back and have Luna send the scouts looking for their trail beyond Maks. Ryder will send men for the bodies. You should go. You need to go.”

 

She can feel the hesitation in Lexa as she stiffens and looks at her seriously. “It’s not safe out here Clarke. They could be hidden anywhere-”

 

“We’ll be fine, I’ve got my little warrior with me. She’ll protect me won’t you Kai?” Clarke says as Lexa steps back to look at her sternly. Her jaw is set tight and Clarke knows she’s unimpressed that she used Kai against her like this. She doesn’t even feel guilty about it; her aptitude for manipulation and when to use it is one of her best assets.

 

And of course, because Kai _is_ her little warrior, the little girl straightens her back and nods affirmatively at Clarke with a determined mini Heda mask of her own. She looks at Lexa, “I will protect Clarke Kom SkaiKru just as you had us swear before. I vow to uphold my duty Heda. I will _not_ fail again.” Kai finishes with a slight lowering of her head towards her commander.

 

Clarke’s mouth drops as she stares at the brunettes.

 

The older woman holds an intense look of fierce pride now and she’s staring at Kai. Clarke and Kai are hit with intense sense of love and safety and the blonde is so thrown by it she’s speechless. Kai can’t contain the small giggle though and runs a hand on her chest obviously feeling it too.

 

It takes Clarke a beat to fully grasp what Kai just said and unwittingly revealed but she can’t even crack that whole ‘had us swear before’ thing open right now. So instead she puts on a fake smirk along with somewhat false bravado and shrugs, “See. All good here.”

 

She knows Lexa can see right through her and that the show of bravado is more for Kai’s sake but it doesn’t stop her face from responding. It doesn’t stop the slightest grin that plays with Lexa’s mouth as she nods and steps back a few more feet. Clarke is right; she needs to get back to the city, the sooner the better. She only showed up in the woods when she felt Clarke’s heartbreak for what she now knows was for Maks. She had felt a burning tug at her heart that was begging her follow it. It led her to Clarke.

 

It takes her a second or two of closed eyes and extreme concentration to get her bearings on this new development with her energy. Always known for being a quick study, Lexa begins to glow once more. The light is growing stronger and stronger emitting like waves from the woman’s chest and before the light takes her away and vanishes Clarke hears her speak. “Be safe, _nirons_.” _Loves._

 

Kai gasps as Lexa disappears and her eyes and head are whipping around in search of her. “Where did she go?”

 

Clarke quickens her pace towards the city again stumbling and sliding in the slush as she goes. “She went to the city.”

 

“Yeah, but how?”

Clarke huffs in effort and looks at her, “Can you keep a secret?”

 

The girl nods.

 

“She can’t breathe fire but her heart is so strong and pure that her love can carry her anywhere,” Clarke attempts to explain based on her own experiences. Particularly, how she found Kai out here.

 

“ _Jok,_ ” _Fuck._ Kai whispers in disbelief.

 

Clarke has to bite her tongue very hard to keep from laughing at the tiny human swearing in trig, but she manages it and hardens her face. “Language,” she scolds sounding much softer than she meant to.

 

“Fuck.” Kai corrects.

 

“No. Not what I mean smartass,” Clarke says unable to hide her smile at Kai’s giggle.

 

_Fuck._

 

Kids are amazing.

 

They’re so innocent and pure of heart. This girl lost one of her brother’s on this frozen morning. She killed, what Clarke assumes, her first man in attempt to protect her friend. She suffered a loss, she cried, she almost died and now she was giggling. She was rebounding. She would be able to mourn freely with her. Clarke swears to give her that much whenever she needs it. If Kai, or any of them require comfort or understanding she will do what she can to provide it in safe, protected spaces. None of them should have to mourn in silence, their tears should fall on supportive shoulders and their sobs should be heard by understanding ears.

 

Just as she sees the city walls coming into focus she feels the eyes land upon her. Clarke stiffens slightly as it overcomes her and she begins to run as best she can with Kai attached to her. Something’s not right, she feels it in her bones, and _something_ is coming closer.

 

A voice behind her freezes her in her tracks and she clutches Kai closer.

 

"So the rumours are true, you live."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops. I done it again.
> 
> *Endurance builds as I run*
> 
>  
> 
> (ps. tomorrow may not have an update I have a stupid day tomorrow.)
> 
>  
> 
> *Runs faster*


	24. Fresh Warnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This bitch...

“So the rumours are true, you live.”

 

Clarke knows that voice. She easily recognizes the tone and the attitude it drips with. It's not dark and threatening, it's light and curious.  _Intrigued._

 

With Kai still clutched in her arms she stiffens and holds her closer. Scanning around quickly with her eye, she realizes she has very few options and running wasn't one of them.

 

“Kai, you stay behind me okay?” she whispers against the child’s head. “ _That’s an order_ ,” she finishes sternly in trig to make her point and setting Kai down. She keeps holding one arm on the girl while she spins so she can tuck her in and shield the girl behind her with her body.

 

She knows whom to expect when she turns around but she is _still_ surprised at what exactly she sees.

 

Not ten feet away now is a gigantic white bear. A king of the Snow Bear’s no doubt judging on his size. She can hear it’s low muffled growls as it carries something in its mouth. It is careful not to crush it with its powerful jaws. The bear is padding through the snow with soft thumps of its feet, it doesn’t come much closer, it simply stalks to the left in an arch as if trying to expose her side and back. She simply adjusts with each step the bear takes continuing to keep Kai behind her and keeping the bear from getting the angle on her.

 

Clarke’s heart is racing but the small warrior behind her is craning and struggling against her arm trying to see. Now that she realizes the bear isn’t going to launch itself (at least not right away) at them she takes the chance to finally look upon its rider.

 

Yes, the woman sitting tall on its back and smirking with hard opalescent eyes.

 

“Ontari,” Clarke greets through a sneer.

 

 “I am a Queen, _Wanheda_ and you should address me as such,” the woman says through a raise of her chin.

 

Clarke glares at her; the fact that her gesture is so similar to Lexa’s curls her stomach. She can’t stop the attitude that leaves her mouth, “Queen of what exactly? Terrible decisions and poorly thought out attacks?” The hidden accusation of the nights events is there.

 

Ontari tilted her head and patted the bear’s head when he snarled behind whatever was in his mouth in attempts to calm him. “Do not be like that Clarke, I have not come with dark intentions…not today. I am alone, except for Bamse here.”

 

Clarke snorts, “I call bullshit. The city is attacked and you just _happened_ to be joy riding a bear today near the walls hmm?”

 

“No. …I heard the rumours that Wanheda was alive, they spread like _wildfire_. I’ve been searching for the one who exited the pit with your power since the trial. I told you whoever left it commanding death would be _mine_ and I intend to make it so. I did not believe that you made it until dawn that night and I could not see you…so I came to …see you in person.” Ontari’s eyes flare back to their original colour resetting her true gaze on Clarke.

 

“…Right,” Clarke furrows her brow at the ‘ _mine’_ thing, this bitch is deranged; pushing that aside she focuses on the part she considers a blatant lie. “Well, forgive me if I don’t take your word for it - or don’t - I don’t really give a shit; but this is all too convenient to be coincidental that you’re here.”

 

Ontari gives her a tight lopsided tight grin. “You’re so _diplomatic_ ,” she says dryly.

 

The way she conducts herself is confusing to Clarke. One minute she is ruthless and bloodthirsty, the next she is amused and seemingly light-hearted. Whether it’s her personality or an act, it is effective and could easily throw her enemy's off; Ontari may be deranged but she is cunning that much is obvious. Clarke’s eyes narrow as she takes the woman in, her confusion and distaste for the woman mingles together inside. The bear is growling low still and watching Clarke and Kai like they’re breakfast.

 

“Uh-huh, and I still smell your bullshit.” Clarke presses with pursed lips and a raised eyebrow.

 

“I told you Clarke, I have no dark intentions today. I do not lie about that and I do not lie when I say I am alone except for the beast I ride.”

 

“Then what do you want? Why expose yourself like this to me?”

 

A better question could have been directed at herself: _why aren’t you killing her Clarke?_ But she knows why, unless Ontari makes an obvious threat or attempt, she can’t kill her unjustly. Not if she wants to be honourable and worthy to sit beside Lexa leading their people. Besides, it's not who she is. She kills to defend herself or the people she cares about, she doesn't kill just because she can. She has always tried to not be the aggressor, she won't let Ontari change that, not today.

 

Clarke has done monstrous things, but she is not a monster.

 

Ontari doesn’t answer her question; instead, she looks beyond Clarke towards Kai lost in thought. The blonde moves her arm to push Kai back behind her again. Damn this kids curiosity.

 

As far as the evidence shows her, she and Ontari have a clean slate. Clarke was put on trial for Nia’s death and Ontari wouldn’t attempt assassinating Lexa if she lived, that was the agreement. But the nights events tell her _someone_ _definitely_ still had every intention on following through on the assassination mark she had originally set. However, unless they find other Azgeda among the assassins or evidence she simply can’t put it on Ontari. So she decides to directly ask the woman and hope she can spot any lie. “Did you go against our agreement and attempt an attack on Lexa?”

 

“No. I did not do this, but I know who took part,” comes the swift reply. Then she whispers to the bear in trig and he swings his head in an arch releasing what lies in his jaws. An object comes flying in the air towards Clarke and Kai. It’s round and flinging bits in every direction as it hurls, and it’s…

 

Not an object at all.

 

It’s a head.

 

It slides and rolls to her feet sickeningly wet and bloody into the snow. The eyes are bulged out, the face contorted and frozen in pain. Kai is pushing against her arm craning her neck to get a better look. Clarke gives her a soft kick in the shin with the back of her foot hoping she’ll take the hint and stifle her curiosity. This conversation may seem or sound somewhat light to Kai on Ontari's part but it is _anything_ but light. The undertones and air between the two leaders are thick and dark. (See severed head for proof.)

 

Upon closer inspection, Clarke finds it’s not just any head, but it’s the head of the Desert Clan delegate. The head of the woman who spoke out the most against her and Lexa’s union at their last council meeting. Clarke’s stomach churns at the blunt ripping she sees around the neck. She died slowly through a lot of pain, Wanheda can tell.

 

“You killed her?" Clarke glares from the head to Ontari. "How is that supposed to prove anything? How does that prove your innocence in what transpired last night?” Clarke asks and she’s right. Without hearing it from the desert woman’s mouth she has no real proof that Desert Clan was involved at all. She can’t just take Ontari’s word for it. She can’t blindly trust. Not anymore.

 

There’s too much at stake.

 

Unless they find Desert Clan members within the folds of assassin’s hoods back in the city she has nothing to say Ontari is telling the truth.

 

“You forget that I see all Clarke, I may not be able to see you clearly but I see the others very well. You will find your proof that I speak true.”

 

Clarke takes a steadying breath and chews her cheek. She’s right again, at least about seeing every one else clearly. If Clarke’s not involved or partaking in the decision-making Ontari can see the outcome. _As long as she’s looking_ , this is the moment when Clarke internally praises her brain because all of a sudden a multitude of scenarios fly through her head on how they can defend against her should they need to.

 

“Are we done here?” The blonde asks crossing her arms and making sure she would be able to pull her assassin blade out if it’s needed. She feels very put off right now, since the moment she felt Ontari’s looking for her with her power, it has only grown.

 

Again, Ontari doesn’t answer right away. It’s as if she has ignored her all together for a moment. She’s now looking behind Clarke to the tiny head of Kai who is peaking out from behind her. Clarke attempts to shield her once more by shoving her back again.

 

Seeing this, Ontari leans forward slightly and speaks. “I was curious. Who is this young warrior?” She asks and her voice is oddly light again now, soft, eerily attempting to be soothing. It curls Clarke’s stomach and makes her skin scrawl. The blonde can tell, she's seen that look before, they _intrigue_ her.

 

The blonde’s eyes flare at the woman as realization hits her. Ontari was too close, _too_ _soon_ to follow and find her behind Lexa’s disappearance from the woods moments ago. Everything in Clarke was telling her she witnessed what happened in the trees, and not with her power – with her own fucking brown eyes. She may not know who Kai was but she would know what she means to Clarke and Lexa judging by the look in her eyes right now. She saw them grieve over Maks. She saw emotions.

 

She’s found another weakness.

 

The lion inside of Clarke roars and rears its head. Wanheda changes her stance to shield Kai better once more, arms down and slightly out, fingertips itching to touch her assassin’s blade. “She’s none of your concern,” Clarke snarls, “a healer’s daughter,” she lies in hopes to prevent her knowing she’s one of Lexa’s pupils.

 

Ontari straightens her back again and looks defiantly at Clarke, eyes narrowing and taking the two of them in. She sees rage and anger but also a hint of jealousy, curiosity, maybe even wanting. She possibly sees right through the lie. Clarke attempts to hide Kai’s bloody face once more. It’s still dim out, the sun hasn’t quite peaked its head out. She hopes it’s enough.

 

“Hmmm, a healer’s daughter you say?” Then her eyes flare opalescent once more.

 

Well, there goes the lie. Clarke huffs out a dejected sigh.

 

It’ll take a matter of seconds now that she has seen Kai for her to gaze on her past or her future. Clarke is praying to every God she doesn’t believe in that she is close enough or in Kai’s life enough to prevent Ontari from seeing clearly.

 

A second longer and she sees Ontari’s head tilt. Then a frown. Then her eyes flare back to brown with a furrowed brow.

 

“She’s yours.”

 

“Yes.” Clarke answers instinctively and without thought. She bites her cheek but doesn’t regret what she said. Kai may not be her flesh and blood child but she is _hers_ to protect. Ontari just confirmed to Clarke that she is _heavily_ involved in Kai’s life without even realizing it.

 

“You must have had her young.” She’s fishing.

 

Clarke cocks her eyebrow, “I’m eighteen. You think I had a kid at eleven?”

 

A tight smirk, “Your body looks eighteen. Your actions are those of someone much older.”

 

Clarke frowns, did she just… _Clarke, don’t you dare ask her if she’s trying to flirt,_ she scolds herself internally right along with Wanheda. Ontari is trying to break her in multiple ways. Whether she is trying to instigate Clarke's fury or appeal to her softer side she can't tell. The resounding feeling inside her is that Ontari is almost as creepy as Titus.

 

“Is your bear friendly?”

 

Clarke’s shoulders sag and she shuts her eyes when she hears Kai’s question for Ontari come from behind her.

 

“No.” Ontari and Clarke answer together.

 

Clarke continues, “Kai daun ste pleni. Nou mou.” _That is enough. No more._ She flashes a quick glare over her shoulder at the girl who immediately lowers he head looking guilty. She needs to end this, she looks back at Ontari, “Why are you still here?”

 

Ontari looks at her for a moment, “I _am_ going to be Heda. Wanheda’s power will be mine Clarke. Either with your death or you alive at my side.”

 

And this is where the dark undertones make themselves known again. The air has shifted again; it has become threatening and heavy once more. Her words are meant to worry Clarke, they are meant to send her flying into action, she sees her intent clearly in this moment. She resists, she fights the urge to lash out. She needs to stay calm and think, she needs information now more than anything.

 

“You seem awfully sure about that, care to tell me why?” she asks with a bite to it.

 

“Legacies are meant to be broken and legends are meant to be rewritten. I will start with the both of yours.” Ontari says in a low threat, a warning. She begins to turn the bear around.

 

“Wait! Blood must have blood, you and I had a deal!” Clarke demands.

 

The bear and Ontari stop, “A deal I have not broken, nor plan to. Do not question my honour Clarke. My taking reign _will mark_ the end of Lexa’s legacy but her death will not come by assassination on my orders, I assure you." She glares over her shoulder, "And make no mistake _Wanheda,_ if I make any moves from here on out it is _not_ _vengeance_ it would be _justice_ ; you forget causing the fever, while I have not. Jus drein jus daun, the blood of you and your people for the blood of mine. That is our way.”

 

And with that ominous threat and warning she turns to leave again.

 

“Why not just kill me now then?” Clarke all but shouts exasperated. Did she really end one feud at the trial just to start another?

 

Without stopping the bear Ontari looks over her shoulder again, “The same reason you do not kill me with that blade in your left sleeve: honour.”

 

Clarke can do nothing but stand there in silence and shock as she absorbs everything that just happened. She takes apart Ontari’s words piece-by-piece looking for answers.

 

The first bit about Lexa and her legacy confuses her. It sends her brows into a furrow as she combs over her words. She assumes she means Azgeda will continue their accordance with Clarke’s trial – they won’t make an attempt on Lexa’s life, at least not by assassination. This only makes it worse for Clarke instead of better though; this means (and last night proved it) that others will keep trying to kill her. It also makes her worry because of Ontari’s power, her words carry a deeper threat than anyone else's, and they can carry a deeper meaning if she has seen this come to pass. She hopes that this part of the warning is simply false hope on behalf the woman who spoke it.

 

All Clarke can do right now is hope that her hold over fate and continued presence in Polis and Lexa’s life is enough to prevent Ontari from seeing the real outcome. She refuses to let it happen without a fight. She'll die for this cause.

 

The second part of the warning Clarke definitely understands - she understands what Ontari means about justice. And Ontari is right, Clarke was wrong; the slate is anything but clean. In fact, it’s soaked and dripping with blood. It’s caked and covered and waiting for more. Ontari wants justice for the fever outbreak at the trial; she blames Clarke, probably more so than Clarke blames herself for the death of hundreds that night.

 

 It doesn't matter that she didn't know about it, it doesn't matter that she didn't agree to it. It happened at her trail, her body causing the infection to spread.

 

She really did end one feud just to begin another that night.

 

Confirmed.

 

_…Damn it Clarke._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bet you thought Ontari had ordered the attack at the festival. 
> 
> Not today. She has other shit going on like taking her bear for a walk. duh.
> 
> For those wondering, my notes on Ontari's motivation are as follows:   
> \- She a crazy bitch, one who can't handle rejection or failure well.   
> \- Think psycho ex.  
> \- She wants everything Lexa (Becca) has.   
> \- She's driven by Sophie (her past life) because Ontari doesn't really know who she is outside of a nightblood and Nia's pet.   
> \- She has a personality complex and just no tools to deal with her emotions.   
> \- See: crazy eyes. haha


	25. Aftermath part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyways here's Lexyloo setting the next few chapters up for us like the good lil bean she is

After a moment of deliberation Lexa leaves Clarke and Kai in the woods using her energy. For the second time that night, the brief weightlessness disappears and she is feeling a sense of motion that had abruptly stopped. This time, she is prepared for the landing and feeling that comes with it, as her feet touch down on cobblestones again. She shakes her head to clear the fog and doesn’t stumble this time when she takes her first step.

The people around her let out light gasps at her reappearance, which she ignores, it is the same reaction they held when she began to glow and vanish not long before. She doesn’t owe them any explanation and she doesn’t offer any, she is Heda. She doesn’t have time for this. She moves straight for Ziva and Luna who she picks out of the crowd first.

“ _Those that require the healers may go now. Ten men tasked on the blood trees, I want the tree’s set by morning! Those remaining, scour the city for any who seem out of place and they are to be brought before me!”_ Lexa barks out in Trig as she moves towards the two leaders.

They are both bleeding and bruised but relatively okay. Luna has a gash on her cheek and forehead, her coat is ripped along one side and her knuckles are bleeding. Ziva has a black eye forming and a large gash on her arm that’s still bleeding steadily. The warrior is oblivious to the pain and blood as she is turning her focus from Luna onto Lexa with a slight bow.

“News?” Lexa doesn’t bother with formal greetings.

“Five assassins remain alive,” Ziva offers. It’s not much but it’s something.

“Some escaped, though we have no knowledge how yet,” Luna tells her. “I have my people looking into it. If there’s a way in or out we don’t know about we soon will.”

Lexa gives her a slight nod. She has faith in Luna’s people; they are notoriously stealthy and sneaky. Much like the water that flows through the Earth underground, they flow upon it silent and steady rarely allowing to be blocked. They will find the answers she seeks if none of the prisoners speak it.

“Send a party into the woods to the Northeast as well,” Lexa commands Luna. “They will find the body of an assassin,” she takes a sharp breath, “beyond that, they will find the body of one of my novitiates.” She doesn’t mean to pause here, but the emotions that choke her cause her to do it anyways. She is quick to recover as she sees Luna’s eyes widen, she doesn’t need any sympathy right now - she needs answers. “Have them follow the trail and report back.”

Luna swallows and lowers her eyes nodding once. “Sha, Heda,” she says firmly.

“Where’s Titus?” Lexa asks the both of them.

“He should be with the natblida’s should he not?” Ziva asks and her usually heavy low voice is laced with an obvious hint of worry for her sister.

Lexa’s jaw juts back and forth, she takes a sharp breath through her nose, “He wasn’t at the festival tonight. I want to know why. Luna, find your men that were tailing him, I want to know where he was. Go now.” She orders to a nodding Luna, who then retreats.

“Should I go look for him Heda?” Ziva offers adjusting her grip on the blades she still hasn’t put away.

Lexa shakes her head once, “No. I will find him eventually. Where is Ryder?”

“He was overseeing prisoner transport to the dungeons,” comes her answer.

“Ziva get to the healer’s wing and have that arm looked at,” Lexa commands, she knows she won’t leave unless its an order. There’s a brief moment of hesitation before the woman nods and leaves. She does not put her blades away.

Lexa heads to the dungeons taking deep breaths. She looks at two of her sentries as she passes, “You two, with me.”

Flanked by the two large men she gets closer to the tunnels. Instead of turning left to Titus’s zone she heads to the right towards the prisoner’s cells.

“Ryder,” she says greeting the man.

He looks her over when he sees her checking for wounds beside the ones on her face. He stands tall and his features are set once more, “Heda. The prisoners are secure.”

She nods, “Five I am told.”

“Sha, two women, three men.”

“Do we know anything?”

“We have not had a chance to look them over for distinguishing marks yet Heda.” The man tells her softly.

She sets her jaw; she feels uneasy, she is too eager, too hasty for answers. They have not had the time to do anything yet in regards to getting answers. The attack has barely ended; she can’t expect to have answers yet but that doesn’t mean she does not want them. Now.

She is anxious. Lexa does not do well with anxious. She needs to be busy, active, accomplishing something. She hates this. She can feel her heart race again; her blood begins to boil, her anger from the night stirring, and her grief for those lost beginning to eat at her. She swallows and swallows and swallows in attempts to keep it all down. Bottle it up and let it rage within, but her hand is on the hilt of her sword and she is white knuckle gripping it like it’s her lifeline. She feels like she did when she first took command.

“We will start right away,” Ryder offers eyeing her with concern.

She nods again with another tight jaw twitch. Her grip on her sword does not relax, it is taking every ounce of strength inside her not to rage out and kill the first assassin she sees in the cell just feet away.

_Breathe._

“Titus?” she manages to growl out.

Ryder shakes his head, “He’s not here. I have not seen him all night.”

Lexa takes another deep breath and lets it out in a sigh; “Go beyond the wall, to the northeast you’ll find Clarke. Bring her home, take four with you, there are bodies she will point you in the direction of them.” She sucks in a sharp breath now, she swallows uselessly again against her emotions. “ _Handle him with care_ ,” she adds softly in trig, a whisper, knowing Ryder will understand when he gets to the bodies in the woods. He will know when he sees Maks.

“Sha Heda,” Ryder says bowing his head with a slight furrow to his brow. When he raises it the warrior mask has crumbled and he looks at her with affection and concern, “Are you alright?” he asks quietly for only her to hear.

She gives him a tight nod, “Fine.”

It’s all she can say right now. It’s a lie, they both know it, but she can’t deal with this right now. He also knows that too, his question was simply an acknowledgement that he knows. He sees her pain and he feels it too. He wants so much more for her than this.

“I’ll be in the healer’s wing. If you see Titus, have him _sent_ to me,” she orders hardening up herself once more. Before she leaves however, she walks.

_Breathe._

She stalks the cement hallways of the prisoner’s cells. Steeling herself and fighting her rage, she hardens her features and sets her jaw. She lets Heda take control. She needs to make this walk and prove to herself that she is not run by her emotions. She will not kill them, _not yet_. Not without her answers. She eyes each one individually taking in their appearance looking for any obvious indication of who they are or which clan they are a part of. She sees fear in their eyes and it makes the Heda within even more concentrated. She takes the walk twice in silence, slow and threatening before she leaves once more.

She feels stronger now, decisive, hardened, more in control after that. Less like she’s spiraling. She passed a test she placed before herself; she proved once more she has incredible self-control. She wanted to see them bleed, she _wants_ it, but she will wait. She practices patience. Heda will make them speak with each drop of their blood until she has the very last of it.

Her pace is quick as she makes her way back to the tower. The doors open for her as she enters and she heads directly to the healer’s wing. The wing is a flurry of activity. Various warriors lay out on cots and along the floor, wherever there is room. The healers and their apprentice’s are bustling about; the noise is a constant hum in her ears, there are low moans escaping some of her people and soft words of comfort being spoken.

Many greet her as she makes her way into the wing and towards Abby. The woman is bent over a cot with her back to her. When Abby stands up straight and turns around her eyes widen as she sees Lexa.

Immediately Abby is rushing forward. “Lexa,” she breathes and much like Clarke had earlier, she has her hands pushing and poking at Lexa checking for other wounds. Her hands land on Lexa’s cheeks pulling her head lower to see the gash on her head and trying to push some of her blood of her face. Lexa politely grabs her wrists and brushes her off.

“I am fine.”

“Lexa, you’re injured. You need that looked at,” Abby says coming forward again.

A raised hand stops her and Lexa speaks, “I’ll have Clarke look at it later. My people’s needs come first, take care of them.”

“You are what your people need,” Abby mutters now sounding like Clarke too.

Lexa ignores her, “Aden?”

Abby gives her a grim smile, “The wound is deep. He has a fight on his hands. Echo is finishing his stitches now.” She looks behind Lexa somewhat hopefully, “Where’s Clarke?”

“She is on her way back to the city,” Lexa responds looking for Aden’s cot.

Abby cocks her head, “She’s what? Zora said she was in the throne room!”

Lexa’s eyes widen at what she let slip. She tries to calm the woman before she can get too worked up, “She’s fine Abby. She found Kai beyond the wall; they are on their way back. Ryder is on his way to them, he’ll bring them home.” She puts her hand on Abby’s shoulder and gives her a tight squeeze of her hand.

Abby swallows anything she might say, because really, there’s nothing she can say. She nods and beckons Lexa to follow her to Aden’s bed.

“Heda,” Aden says grunting in pain as Echo stabs into his skin again with a needle.

“Shhh, Aden.” Lexa says coming to sit beside his bed, taking the seat Zora offered her. “Just rest child, keep your strength up.” She looks from Aden to Zora who much like her older sister, still has her hand tight around her blade. Lexa sees the red blood on the dull training sword, “You were very brave today,” she tells them both knowing they had defended their fellow novitiates. Both kids raise their chins in pride and she offers them what small token she can, a soft sympathetic but very prideful smile. She gives them as much emotion as she can right now in subtle looks and gestures. She stays with them for some time listening to their tale of getting back to the tower. When the story dies down she praises them again. She is beyond proud of them both.

Lexa lays a light hand on Aden’s shoulder and gives him a squeeze, “Rest now.” She stands and gestures to Zora to retake her chair, “Sit, rest.” The girl hesitates but Lexa has left no room for her to decide whether it is an order or not. A moment later, she sits and Lexa gently takes the sword from her tight grip. “You don’t need that now Zora, you are safe.” The girl gives her a tight nod and focuses back on Aden who groaned as Echo ties off the last stitch.

“Thank you for your help Echo,” Lexa offers the woman.

Echo stands, “I am only here to help, to prove my worth Heda, no thanks is required.” Her loyalty is strong and she offers no lie in words, Lexa can see it in her eyes.

Lexa nods and decides to offer what she can right now, she needs her to know she really appreciates her efforts and not just on a dutiful level, but on a personal one. She extends her forearm to the ice nation woman who clasps it after hiding her brief shock. They say nothing, Lexa thanks her with her eyes and Echo bows her head slightly in acknowledgement before they break apart.

Lexa does a lap around the wing making sure to stop at each and every person who lies injured. She offers the ones awake her thanks, her condolences and her care. The ones who are asleep she stands silently beside but thanks them all the same. She honours each and every one of them for bleeding for her and their people.

When she is ready to leave the wing she heads upstairs towards her next destination.

When the elevator doors close behind her _Lexa_ breaks down.

The emotions and her own lack of rest are beginning to catch up with her once more. Aden almost died. The novitiates were exposed and unprotected last night. Maks’s fight ended. Kai was almost lost as well. And her people, oh her people, so many innocents died tonight simply for being present or in someone’s way. Some died in the rush and push of the crowd, they were trampled and dying slowly. She has been on many battlefields, but battle and war are different than what transpired last night. She was prepared for an attack but it was not enough. Too many died. An attack is different than a battle in many ways but mostly, it is the innocents that make the difference. She feels each and every loss like her own, because they _are_ her own.

Unable to stay standing, she bends at the waist, hands on her knees and takes in a few shuddering breaths. Tears well in her eyes but she doesn’t let them fall, she stands straight once more and looks to the ceiling of the small box she rides in.

When the elevator jars to a halt at the throne room floor and the doors open, _Heda_ exits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be some feels, chapter after that prob some more feels :/
> 
> *Fingers crossed for a sunday update*


	26. Aftermath part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Almost to feel city (not really)

With her chin held high, Lexa walks straight to the throne room. When the door is opened for her she finds Raven and Octavia with the nightbloods. Her eyes seek them out as they rush forward when they see her. The Natblida’s stand as well, they look tired and worn out, worried for the missing members. They hang back in respect by their Heda’s throne.

 

Before Raven and Octavia can get to her she spots Titus coming in from the balcony. “Titus, take the Natblida’s to their quarters, it is time for them to rest. Their lessons are cancelled today,” she orders. She wants to give them time to sleep, to rest before she tells them the fate of Maks. They deserve to know but she doesn’t even have the heart to tell them right now herself. Not when they look so defeated and tired. She can’t bear to break them down further in this moment.

 

But that’s not the only reason.

 

It’s Titus. She knows she won’t be able to remain strong, void of emotion when she tells them the news. She doesn’t need him around when she tells them. She knows for certain she doesn’t need his distasteful looks or his reminders about how emotions such as love or grief are weaknesses. Maybe, she doesn’t need him at all.

 

Titus looks like he is going to argue but he doesn’t. He lowers his head and claps his hands, “Natblida’s,” he calls to the kids. They form a line behind him and begin to follow him out.

 

“Titus, when you are done return here. You will wait outside this room for me,” she orders over her shoulder not bothering to give him even a look.

 

“…Sha, Heda.” The man grumbles low and leaves with the kids.

 

“Hey, you okay?” Raven asks tentatively approaching closer knowing her Heda mask is about to drop.

 

“I'm fine," Lexa insists once more. "Thank you, both of you, for helping Clarke. For watching-”

 

“You don’t need to thank us,” Octavia interrupts cautiously.

 

“She’s right, we’re all in this together. We’re family, it’s what we do.” Raven chimes in with a small reassuring smile.

 

Lexa swallows the lump in her throat and nods. She knows they aren’t simply referring to Clarke in that statement, that she is included as well. _Family._ She places a hand on each of their shoulders, “Family,” she confirms with a soft smile. Her friends read her movements as an invitation and they swarm into her. Her hands on their shoulders make their way around both of their necks and shoulders as they lean in to hug her. Her head is between both of theirs and they take a brief moment of comfort and relief.

 

“Clarke?” Octavia asks leaning back out of the hug.

 

“She’s on her way back now with Kai. They are okay,” Lexa informs them when she sees their eyes widen in worry.

 

“Back from where?” Raven asks bluntly.

 

“Outside the wall,” Lexa says taking a sharp breath. “Maks did not make it,” she says quietly choking on her grief.

 

There is a beat of silence.

 

Then, she is swarmed again and she lets a tear fall finally in their embrace. She can feel Raven sucking back her emotions and trying to remain strong for them. She can feel Octavia’s shaky breaths and warm tears against her cheek. When they break apart a second time Raven wraps Octavia into a tight hug. She allows the young warrior to break down as much as she wants. She knows Octavia was connected to these kids; she’s spent days with them, she knows them each as individuals. She lost a friend today.

 

They remain quiet after that, Lexa moves to her throne to recharge. The two other women move to sit in the free chairs together by the fire while they all wait for Clarke. Lexa didn’t ask Raven and Octavia to stay, she didn’t have to. She knows they wish to see Clarke before they go rest themselves but she also knows they have stuck around for her, they did not sit down until Lexa had in case she would direct them to leave her. She is appreciative but doesn’t say anything about it. Maybe someday, she will.

 

For now, she rests and recharges as best she can. She sits in that stiff throne and she palms the armrests trying to control her breathing. She needs Clarke, if she doesn’t show up soon Lexa’s resolve will finally crack fully and there is no telling what she might do. Whether she lashes out and kills or she breaks down and cries – it’s all up in the air right now and she needs her lionheart more than anything. She needs the calm that Clarke can provide her, she needs to look into those azure eyes that bring her peace and relief.

 

* * *

 

When Ontari is farther away a small tug on Clarke’s hand brings her back to the present. The blonde looks at Kai who has placed her tiny hand in hers and is looking up at her questioningly. “Give me a second,” Clarke tells her shrugging out of the grip after a little squeeze.

 

She moves forward and removes the sash from her hips and coat. She bends and scoops up the Desert Clan woman’s head in the sash and folds it so she can carry it easily like a sling. Once she has it ready for travel Kai’s tiny hand finds her free one once more.

 

Clarke makes her way through the snow with Kai’s small left hand in her right. They move together as the sun begins to rise and greet the day. She feels it hit her body one ray at a time as it rises during their slow walk to the city.

 

Not long after, in the distance, she finally sees people. A group of 5 men and women are running out towards her, Lexa’s warriors. Behind them, another group of warrior's, Luna's people.

 

“Wanheda,” Ryder says getting to her first.

 

“Ryder, is Lexa okay? Is she safe?” She can’t control the brief panic. She had told Lexa _she_ would send Ryder out beyond the wall, not for Lexa to send Ryder to her, his early presence worries her.

 

“Sha, Clarke. She is safe, she sent us out for you and the bodies.” Ryder says assuredly easing her panic.

 

Clarke nods and swallows, “That way,” she points. “An assassin lies not far in the woods, ...beyond him is Maks.”

 

Ryder’s eyes widen slightly before he nods solemnly in understanding.

 

It is a blow to them all any time one of their people falls. It is worse when that person is an innocent, a child. Beyond that, this child could have grown to be Heda one day. All they can do now is give him a proper warrior’s funeral and hope that as they pass his spirit on that he finds his glory in the next life he is granted. She wants that for him.

 

Ryder swallows and looks to the men with him before barking out orders. She sees some of Lexa’s and a bunch of Luna’s scouts run off further to the woods to begin their work. Some are to bring the bodies back while others are to be on the assassins escape trail. When she notices Ryder not joining them she takes the hint knowing what Lexa has tasked him with – their safe return.

 

“Let’s go home,” she says to both Kai and Ryder leading the way again.

 

When they get back to the tower Clarke makes to let go of Kai’s hand. The little girl tightens her grip and stares at Clarke with pleading eyes. Her ice blue orbs are wide and beseeching, Clarke doesn’t have the heart to say no to the silent question within them. So she reaffirms her own grip and turns to Ryder, “We are safe now, please do what you can to move this all along for Lexa.”

 

He hesitates just as she expected he would.

 

“Ryder, you have brought us home, we’re safe.” She puts her free hand on his shoulder; “We need to make this swift for her. She will want answers as soon as possible.”

 

This causes him to give her a small grin, “You know her well.”

 

“Better than I know myself some days,” Clarke confirm with a small smile herself. She leaves and brings Kai with her to the Healer’s wing.

 

Once inside she is blown away by the efficiency of the wing. She knew Polis had many skilled healers and their apprentices but she had never seen them so active before. Granted, she has never been here while a wide-scale attack occurred but still, what she saw was admirable. It wasn’t chaos it was purpose. The room flowed smoothly as healers moved to each bedroll or cot checking on their patients.

 

When her mother saw her she immediately swooped in to check her over. “I’m fine mom, just some bruises, a few minor cuts.”

 

Kai only lets go of Clarke’s hand when Abby scoops her into a tight hug and lifts her. They each bury their faces in the other’s neck and Clarke’s heart melts at the sight. “She has a cut that needs to be cleaned and stitched,” Clarke says meeting her mom’s gaze. Clarke moves closer to move Kai's hair to reveal the injury to her mother.

 

Abby nods, “Come with me Kai.”

 

The girl takes a moment to look at Clarke, again silent questions in her eyes. The blonde gives her a small smile and puts her hand on her cheek understanding her, “I’ll collect you before I head upstairs, I promise Kai.”

 

With that and a small nod Kai buries her face in Abby’s neck again before being carried away to a corner of the wing.

 

Clarke walks to the right side of the wing and stops at each bedroll and cot. She squeezes hands and gives words of thanks to each one as she circles the wing. She doesn't know why she's doing it until she sees the pride and gratitude reflecting from each pair of eyes. Finally, she moves back to Aden’s cot.

 

“Clarke,” he says when she reaches them.

 

“Hey, how are you feeling?” She says soothingly.

 

“I’m fine,” he says and Zora rolls her eyes.

 

“That’s not what he said five minutes ago. He is milking this,” Zora confirms to Clarke.

 

Aden blushes and Clarke gives them a soft chuckle. “You fought well today,” she tells them both. “I am very proud of you two,” she doesn’t know how much it will mean to them coming from her but she says it anyways. She is surprised to see them both light up with pride. Their chins both raise in such Lexa-like fashions that it makes her mimic them. It is mutual respect that causes Clarke to have to swallow her emotions in the moment. Seeing how her words make them beam with pride is a lot to take in.

 

It's powerful. It resonates.

 

She fights off a wave of dizziness. She is emotionally running rampant from the night’s events. Her heart and emotions have been pulled in just about every direction this night. She felt elation, fear, despair, pride and it's all so much, felt so deeply. She is exhausted, drained and is left feeling so _weak_ right now.

 

She needs Lexa. She needs her strength, her love and her warmth so badly right now. Her resolve is cracking, if she doesn’t find her soon she will break. She feels it. She feels herself slipping.

 

She tells them to get some rest; she has a bedroll brought over for Zora to be placed beside Aden’s cot. She makes sure the girl makes use of it before she goes to collect Kai from her mother. It is difficult to pry Kai from her mother’s embrace, Abby doesn't want to let go of the little girl. She only does so when Kai promises to see her later, the soft expression Abby carries after that is so heartwarming that Clarke and Kai both give her a strong hug before leaving.

 

* * *

 

Clarke is impressed with herself when she fights off the overwhelming need to fall to the elevator floor and hide. Her head is pounding and her eyes are burning with unshed tears. The tiny hand in her own is the only thing keeping her from breaking. That warmth is holding her together. 

 

When Clarke and Kai exit the elevator they are both quiet and still hand in hand. She still carries the desert woman’s head in the make-shift sling and she slows outside the doors when she sees Titus standing against the wall. She continues walking past him before pausing and stopping with a thought.

 

“Go on Kai,” Clarke orders gently unclasping their hands. She gives the girl a small push when she hesitates. “I’m right behind you, go see little bird,” she tells her quietly with a small smile. The girl nods and heads through the doors.

 

Clarke stands up straight and walks straight back to Titus stopping in front of him. “Hold this,” she tells him handing him the sash and head roughly enough that he can’t help but accept it. “Stay here,” she growls leaving him behind and making sure the door to the throne room slams closed behind her.

 

The noise of the door interrupts the scene in front of her.

 

Not five feet from her, she finds Kai mushed between the bodies of Raven and Octavia who are squeezing her tight but looking at Clarke now. Standing, they each embrace the blonde tightly. "Come on kiddo," Octavia says gently to Kai and letting go of Clarke. Octavia scoops Kai onto her hip and carries her to the fire to warm up.

 

“How yah doin’?” Raven asks quietly only just letting Clarke out of her hug now.

 

 _Really, really not good._  “I’m fine,” she lies. Raven raises her brow in a silent ‘ _bullshit’_ and Clarke concedes, “I have to be fine right now.”

 

Raven gives her arm a squeeze in understanding with a nod, “I’m here. We’re all here you know. We’re in this together. ...you don't have to be _fine_ , not with us.”

 

“Yeah,” Clarke says quietly, “Thanks.” She swallows her emotions as best she can, she's not ready to break yet.

 

Raven takes the hint and heads to Octavia and Kai. Which leaves Clarke standing awkwardly halfway to the middle of the throne room with her eyes drifting nervously around the room. She doesn’t know exactly why but she suddenly feels too weak to look at Lexa. She knows where she is, she is _very_ aware of where Lexa is whenever they are in a room together, but she can’t find the strength to look that way. _Not yet._

 

_Breathe._

 

She shuts her eyes and takes a deep shaky breath. She gives her head a shake and fights with her emotions, her body betrays her and a tear escapes. She feels dizzy, anxious and weak. She’s frantic. Slipping. Spiralling as the images and emotions of the night flood her.

 

Another shaky breath.

 

A moment of clarity.

 

And now she knows why she won’t look.

 

She is afraid she won’t be strong enough. She is afraid she won’t be able to carry both of their grief. Both of their worry and pain.

 

It's confusing, she’s usually so fearless.

 

But she’s not. Not really. She’s just good at using fear to fuel her. She’s good at feeding that fear to Wanheda.

 

Except, Wanheda doesn’t normally deal with Lexa so Clarke’s fear is real and present and currently a problem.

 

It’s all a problem until it’s not.

 

Warmth floods her first; reassurance and love swarm inside her. It hits her right before she loses it completely, before her legs give out and she falls to the hard ground.

 

The warmth, familiarity and a sense of home that come next don’t erase her grief they simply coexist before she finally feels the physical presence of Lexa join her. The brunette’s arms are circling around her, pulling her close and her lips are ghosting over her name before they kiss the side of her head. Her body reacts instinctively clutching to the woman, breathing deep and allowing her head to find it’s home at the crook of her neck.

 

“Lex,” Clarke whimpers allowing some of her weakness to comingle with Lexa’s, “I-”

 

“It’s okay Clarke,” Lexa whispers cutting her off. “I know. I know,” she adds even softer gently quieting the blonde, it’s evident that she’s trying to calm her. Another blast of warmth fills her and Clarke opens her eyes to see Lexa glowing, her protective energy around them. It helps calm her emotions so they aren’t raging war inside her, they begin to separate and she can once more differentiate it all. She sighs and allows her stiff, tired body to relax and soak in as much as her _niron_ as she can.

 

She doesn’t know how long they stand there like that. She doesn’t care and they aren’t disturbed, they allow themselves these brief moments to be selfish. They need this. And Clarke understands, she knows how foolish her fear was moments ago.

 

She doesn’t need to be strong for the both of them. She only needs to be strong for Lexa because the brunette will be strong for her.

 

They are a team. A partnership. A balance. Each their own beings but with souls entwined together in an unbreakable bond. Their hearts beat as one and the blood fuelling them is shared.

 

Some of her energy returns and they move together to touch foreheads. Clarke’s soft hands on Lexa’s chest, the brunette’s protective one’s on her hips. Soft warm breath ghosting across each other's lips. Another beat and Lexa speaks, “We need to speak with Titus, then we can rest.”

 

“Good, I have a bone to pick with him,” Clarke manages to growl out.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa says gently, “you will need to remain calm for this.”

 

“When am I not calm?” the blonde tries to defend herself defiantly even though she knows full well she can be quite impulsive and or emotional.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa says ignoring her defense, “just keep it in check. Titus may have some answers we need so when you do decide to pick that bone don’t lose control…no flames.” She clarifies.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay maybe not exactly feel city next...
> 
> I had a bad weekend and I blame Jason. *points dramatically* YOU! YOU FUCK! FUCK YOU JASON.
> 
> Also, I dedicate the updates today to Lexa and all that she stands for. It's been two months and I'm still hollow. Forever salty.


	27. Clexa vs. Titus Round 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first showdown between Clexa and Titus

Stepping out of the embrace Clarke watches Lexa raise her chin and set her Heda mask firmly. Clarke gives a slight nod and does the same, Wanheda and Heda move further into the room towards the throne. Lexa sits down gracefully.

 

“Raven, Octavia, please take Kai upstairs to our room,” Clarke says. Lexa tilts her head when she says it but doesn’t argue or ask why. Clarke assumes she knows or at least understands. Kai may not want to be away from Clarke right now, but Clarke doesn’t really want to be away from her either. Not right now, not after everything that’s happened.

 

Raven and Octavia give in quickly and each take a hand of Kai’s exiting the room. The door barely closes before Lexa calls for Titus. Clarke moves to the stairs leading up to Lexa’s throne, she stands on her right side slightly behind the throne. Right where Titus normally would be. It’s unconsciously symbolic, or so she would like to believe.

 

When the bald man enters he still carries the sash with the head.

 

Lexa’s eyes find hers when she recognizes the piece of material, Clarke raises her eyebrows as if to say _just wait_. She keeps her mouth shut for now; she will let Lexa run this and try her best not to interfere. She practices slow breathing but she can’t help the placement of her left hand on one of the bracing pieces of wood on the back of the throne. The placement grounds her, it reminds her of what will come when she has her union with Lexa, it emphasizes her role in the future. She feels energy coming back to her slowly.

 

“Heda, Wanheda,” Titus pushes out through tight lips and a slight bow.

 

“Titus,” Lexa greets him formally. “What do we know of the attacks?”

 

Clarke narrows her eyes, she wonders if Titus has an answer. She had not seen him at the festival, she wasn’t sure if he had any information that would be useful if he wasn’t even there.

 

“A party of fifty, give or take a few is our best conclusion thus far. The speed and swiftness of the attack, the timing, and the escape it tells us it was not some random opportunistic moment. This was planned to a degree. Calculated and designed to catch you off guard.”

 

“Poorly executed but the damage has been done,” Lexa concludes as well. Her jaw adjusts, “How did they get into the city?”

 

“I have no answer for that, my best guess is the lake,” Titus says. “I am looking into it.”

 

“I want my answer by sundown today. I want to know how they got in and the reason behind their attack,” Lexa says sternly.

 

“I believe we do already. We _know_ that this is due to your _relationship_ ,” Titus growls staring at Lexa. “I _warned_ you Lexa. Not all will rejoice in this union! I told you there would be consequences!”

 

Clarke internally growls at the man and the way he speaks. It stirs something uneasy in her gut. Lexa grips her armrests. “Speculation Titus. You come to me with speculation, where is your proof?” Lexa asks. “This attack could be result of a number of things, including the assassination mark. A mark that was placed long before anyone knew of our plans to wed or of any relationship.”

 

“I don’t believe that is the case, your _feelings_ for each other have threatened the peace of your people. You brought SkaiKru into the coalition without any discussions with your clan leaders! Do you deny that your feelings for Clarke played a small role in that decision? They put you in danger Lexa, I implore you to see reason! They cloud your judgment and impair your leadership. You willingly share your power with _her,”_ he points at the blonde and Clarke’s lip curls in a snarl, “they see you as _weak_! It should not surprise you that someone tried to take advantage!”

 

“Enough,” Lexa growls out shutting the man up instantly. “Get me answers Titus, not speculation and your own opinion, it does me no good.” Lexa clicks her tongue and glances at Clarke. “Clarke?” she says clearly asking if the blonde has anything she wishes to say.

 

Clarke hesitates. There is something off here. Something in the way Titus is behaving that sends her head into overdrive. His words towards Lexa, though not the first time he’s implied any of it, are different. They are delivered differently…there’s a lack of respect there that she almost didn’t notice. _Almost._ It’s something that has her eyes narrowing as if boring into his head to find his secrets kept there. Her trust in Titus regarding Lexa’s safety has officially left her.

 

“Where were you tonight,” Clarke asks, finding a strong voice.

 

Titus glares at her, “I do not answer to you.”

 

“You will answer the question, I am curious as well,” Lexa states firmly with a cocked brow. A challenge.

 

Titus sets his jaw, “I was at the festival and I was in my quarters when the attack began.”

 

“I didn’t see you,” Clarke challenges.

 

“I saw _you_ ,” Titus says without missing a beat.

 

“You should have been with the nightbloods,” Clarke says.

 

Titus looks from Clarke to Lexa. “I brought the Natlida’s to the festival to observe their Heda. When I saw Clarke’s _involvement_ with them I left for my quarters, I figured _Wanheda_ did not require my help last night. She led your Natblida’s down a path that ignores all my teachings of etiquette at a public function,” he said bitterly. He definitely omits his real sentiment: _she makes them look weak._

 

Clarke sees him clearly now, she sees he’s threatened by her now beyond just Lexa. She threatens all of it: his power and authority, his teachings, his hold on his Heda and potential Heda’s. He irks her, she doesn’t trust him but she understands him more now. Clarke and her ways threaten him and his teachings the more she has involvement in the city. She challenges just about everything he teaches or moralizes. She has already broke Lexa free from his hold on her and he fears her doing it with the nightbloods. She can see his fear in his eyes but Wanheda can smell it.

 

He is trying to deflect and blame his absence on her; little does he know she doesn’t require his blame - she already partially blames herself for Maks’ death; she should have paid more attention when she was getting them back to the tower. She does feel guilty; maybe if she hadn’t had them relax and dance they would have gotten them out of there – all of them. If she hadn’t interfered Titus would have remained present and he would have saw them back to the tower. She chews her cheeks nervously.

 

“Wanheda did nothing wrong Titus,” Lexa says eyeing the man coldly. “Clarke has only done what I asked her to do -- _be herself_. Your shortcomings are your own last night, do not pass the blame with me teacher.”

 

Clarke lets out a little breath after hearing that Lexa is not faulting her. She doesn’t blame her for this even if Clarke feels some responsibility. It helps.

 

The man bites his tongue and lowers his head. There is no apology, no more excuses. “I will see to the investigation and the prisoners Heda,” the man says quieter now. Clarke eyes him coldly still in thought.

 

“What is in the sash,” Lexa asks looking from Titus to the garment. 

 

“Oh that’s mine,” Clarke says awkwardly, snapping out of her reverie and finding her voice again. She comes forward, moving a lot more assuredly than she feels. She takes the sash carrying the head she turns to face Lexa, “It’s the head of the Desert Clan delegate.” She moves the sash and gingerly cups the head through the fabric in her hand to reveal it to Lexa. Her stomach churns and she fights the bile in her throat but she recovers quickly.

 

Lexa’s eyes widen and her lips purse. She takes a moment to view the head and then looks back at Clarke. She addresses Titus, “Take her and have her head spiked in the courtyard where the blood trees will be. Once her body is recovered and we have the blood of the other guilty parties they will burn together.”

 

Titus bows even lower and takes the head and garment from Clarke without a word. He hurries from the room keeping his eyes downcast.

 

Clarke hears Lexa take a deep breath and sigh it out with her eyes fixed on the doors. “How did you get the head Clarke,” Lexa asks quietly.

 

The blonde swallows. She has few options. She can lie or she can tell the truth. She can say she did it or she can reveal Ontari’s presence and warnings. As Clarke looks at Lexa’s profile she realizes she doesn’t have an option. Not really. She can’t lie to Lexa. “It was a gift.”

 

“A gift from _who_?” Lexa presses turning her head to look at her.

 

Clarke swallows and steps closer, “Ontari.”

 

Lexa stands immediately and rounds on her invading her personal space, “What?” Her voice is powerful but her eyes are filled with concern.

 

Clarke nods once, “She found Kai and I not long after you headed back here.”

 

“And what was she doing here? Did she hurt you?”

 

“No. I’m fine. She just …I don’t know exactly, wanted to talk I guess? She was looking for me. She wanted proof that I was alive, she didn’t trust the rumours,” Clarke explains and for some reason she believes Ontari on this.

 

Lexa nods once, “She killed her?”

 

“Well I think the bear did it but yeah, essentially it was her,” Clarke says lamely gesturing with her hand.

 

Lexa takes another breath, “Her motive for killing her? For gifting the head to you?”

 

“She says it’s proof. Assurance that she had no part in this I guess? She said she knows we will find the other proof we need to confirm Azgeda played no part.”

 

Short silence follows while Lexa thinks.

 

There’s another breath and a sigh, “You believe her?”

 

Clarke takes a moment, “Yeah I do. She had every chance to kill me Lex, it was just Kai and I, plus, she was alone.”

 

“Risky,” Lexa states furrowing her brow and fixing her gaze to the balcony.

 

Clarke shakes her head slightly, “Yes and no. I have a feeling she saw the attack coming, she didn’t tell me the whole truth. My gut tells me she saw this coming long before it happened and that’s why she was alone. Like she’s proving to me she can be honourable, she hadn’t backed on our agreement after the trial. She said that specifically as well.”

 

“You must have spoken to her for some time,” Lexa inquires eyes still trained outside.

 

“A very tense five minutes or so,” the blonde confirms gently.

 

“What else did she say Clarke? It makes no sense for her to build any bridges between you two…”

 

Clarke swallows nervously, “That may not be entirely true…” She is about to reveal everything Ontari had said but she stops herself. She edits and reedits in hopes to protect Lexa. She omits certain bits of information. She hides the fact that Ontari seems to seek Waheda’s power and assistance, she had mentioned this to Lexa long ago. She feels no need to drum up that business again, it’ll only fuel the brunette’s concerns. Clarke doesn’t want to add to her burdens.

 

“She told me we would find our proof that she wasn’t involved. After that, I asked about the assassination attempt flat out, I asked if she attacked the city. She said she has not and will not go back on the agreement that releases you from her assassination mark. She asked about Kai and who she was; I think she saw the three of us in the woods.”

 

Lexa raises her chin in thought surmising what this all means. She nods beckoning Clarke to continue without interruption.

 

Clarke licks her lips, “She told me she would be Heda. That her taking reign will mark the end of your legacy but your …death won’t come by assassination on her orders.” It leaves a wide variety of other ways she could take control from Lexa. Clarke chews on her lip for a moment, “We have another problem though.”

 

Lexa looks up, “What else?”

 

“She wants blood… for the fever at my trial,” Clarke reveals. “There will be consequences Lex-”

 

“Don’t even say it Clarke,” Lexa cuts in returning her eyes to fix on the blues in front of her. “Don’t you _dare_ tell me that I should not have saved you,” she says rather quietly, a warning.

 

Clarke huffs defiantly, “Why not? I know it crossed your mind when I told you this shit! If I had of died this wouldn’t be happening. If I died the blood feud would have ended that night, fever or no fever!”

 

Lexa glares at her and her thought process, “You’re wrong! The assassins tonight are a threat to my rule and me not you. I don’t think tonight was about you or us, not really. As for Ontari seeking blood from the fever at your trial, I alone own my actions. I do not play in the ‘I shouldn’t haves’ or ‘what if I had of’ Clarke. I did what I have done, I did what needed to be done and I will never regret that. It was in my power to save you and I’ll make that choice every time! I swore to never again abandon you after the mountain Clarke. Everything I have done since then was to pave the way for you and I to flourish.” She softens her glare and quietly adds, “I won’t regret saving you.”

 

“Maybe you should,” Clarke says defiantly stepping back. “This is only going to lead to more fighting, more blood and death! All because of me! Don’t you get that?”

 

“Clarke,” Lexa tries coming forward. She can sense the spiral beginning.

 

“Commander of death Lexa, I am the _commander_ _of_ _fucking_ _death_. It follows me around, those I love …they die. It’s never going to leave me, I’m always going to carry that weight, and it means I’ll always put you at risk! You want to wed a destroyer of lives!” She’s frantic and pushing against Lexa who has attempted to bridge the gap and pull her close again.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa coos. “Clarke, look at me.” She says more sternly, she has her hands on Clarke’s waist and one on her chin tilting her head up to make eye contact.

 

“You have saved me. You have saved countless of lives. Your people live because of you and you alone. You saved an innocent life tonight by literally following your heart to her into the woods. ‘Commander of death’ is a formality, a title - death may follow you around but it is at your beck and call.” Lexa says passionately. “It does not need to be something that holds you back; you need to see past the negative connotations and see how it is tied to your _heart_. Do not forget whom you are underneath it all, it makes all the difference _niron_ ; don’t forget Clarke Griffin the leader and SkaiKru’s savior. Commanding death _can_ mean saving lives and with you, in your hands following your heart, it does.”

 

Clarke takes a steadying breath before she can’t fight herself any longer; she breaks in a way she wasn’t expecting. She surges forward and crashed their lips together fervently.

 

The kiss reminds her of love, of passion and fire that is felt not seen. It reminds her of who she truly is deep down; who Lexa see’s her as, who she knows herself to be.

 

They sink into it, silently giving breath and life back to each other with each brush of their lips. Each pass of their tongues and tilt of their head burns fear and doubt away leaving only purity and love in its wake. They move in sync proving to themselves that there is not only fear and survival on the ground; there are beating hearts and something to fight for.

 

When they both need more air their foreheads reconnect and they hold each other close. “We’ll figure this out Clarke,” Lexa says softly slightly panting.

 

“I know. We always do.”

 

“What else is troubling you,” Lexa asks quietly lacing a soft kiss to Clarke’s cheek.

 

“Titus,” Clarke sighs and runs a hand through her ponytail. “The way he spoke to you tonight. Did it not throw you?”

 

“He has always had a certain tone with me when I defy his wishes,” Lexa says gently.

 

Clarke shakes her head, “Something was different Lex, I can’t explain it. My gut tells me not to trust him.”

 

“Titus would never harm me Clarke,” Lexa assures her.

 

Clarke takes a deep breath and sighs it out this time deciding not to voice her opinion further. But Wanheda inside isn’t silent; she’s arguing vehemently that Lexa is wrong; Titus would never harm Lexa _intentionally._ He’s a teacher, his purpose is to advise and instruct, to provide guidance and lessons. She wonders to what extent he would go to teach some of those lessons…

 

Clarke adjusts her jaw; “You have eyes on him still though right? Luna’s people?”

 

Lexa nods and eyes her carefully turning her head slightly, “What is it?”

 

“Just a feeling,” Clarke concedes biting her lip. “The way he spoke tonight, it makes me think he somehow knew this was coming…” She shakes her head unable to make sense of _how_ just yet. She lets a heavy sigh out, “I’ll be upstairs. Come up when you’re ready?”

 

Lexa purses her lips and furrows her brow at Clarke's words and abrupt need of departure. “I’ll be up shortly. I need to check in with Luna and a few other things,” Lexa says softly.

 

“Don’t be too long Lex, you need some rest too.” Clarke kisses her gently on the cheek and squeezes her arm before walking out of the room.

 

Her breathing is heavy as she heads to the stairwell. Instead of heading right up she takes a seat on a step. She hangs her head in her hands and rubs at her temples. Her muscles are tense and tight, there is an ache between her shoulders she can't ignore. She feels stiff and heavy. Tired and weak all over again. 

 

She remembers when she had thought it was going to be such a good night.

 

Really, Clarke should know better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not what you were expecting probably right? I love teasing and dangling things in front you!  
> Anyways, up next is Kai goodness and some more information and fluffy bunny stuff.


	28. Kai's Duty, Clarke's concern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :/ Feels for Clarke and a little realization for her...  
> Next chapter is Lexyloohoo so I had to split it up but it's literally going to pick up where this one ends.

After much too long in the stairwell, Clarke makes her way up the final flight to her and Lexa’s room. She’s gained back the control of her breathing now but her body feels fried. Heavy. Inside the room she finds Kai on Raven’s lap on the couch and Octavia sitting on the chair across from them, one leg hitched over the arm.

 

They’re fussing over her and Kai loves it. She can hear them trying to be lighthearted, it’s with a lot of effort, but they quickly succeed in making the girl smile, which allows Clarke to relax just slightly. _Minutely_. Hardly at all really, but it’s something. She’s worried for Kai after the night she had, killing the man in the woods, seeing herself as a failure or somehow responsible for Maks’ death, suffering that loss in person. She is grateful to her best-friends for being here and watching over the girl they’ve all grown so fond of.

 

“Hey,” Raven greets her softly. There’s a gentleness in her brown eyes that touches Clarke’s heart.

 

“Hey, I just need a minute,” Clarke says changing direction to the bathroom.

 

Inside, she quickly washes up to rid herself of any perspiration. She brushes her teeth with a mint leaf, she lets her hair down and she brushes her fingers through it to loosen the tangles. She washes her face and hands; she makes sure the traces of blood are gone, she scrubs hard. She just needs them gone. Once satisfied that it’s gone she begins to feel a little lighter, a little more clear headed. She takes a deep breath, strengthening her features again and leaves the bathroom.

 

“Clarke,” Octavia says gently when she comes out of the bathroom. “We had some food and drink brought up if you want any?” She points to the table and tray with water jugs, cups and some snack foods.

 

“Just some water, thanks.” Clarke accepts the cup Octavia hands her and sits down on the couch beside Raven and Kai. Clarke sips at the cool water and runs a hand over Kai’s back while she sits on Raven’s lap. Clarke gives Raven a small smile, which is returned while the older girl attempts to make Kai giggle by tickling her sides. The blonde understands the need to hear her laugh, see her smile. Remind them they’ll all be capable of it again. Someday.

 

“Where’s Lexa?” Octavia asks her smiling at the laughter they hear and the sight before her. Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes but they’re shining bright, there’s a light in them that wasn’t there earlier. Clarke knows why, it’s the same light that shines in her own when she looks at Lexa. Raven is the light that comes through Octavia’s darkness. It’s sweet.

 

“She’ll be up soon, had some things to look after first,” the blonde replies setting her empty cup down.

 

“Is she doing okay?” Raven asks.

 

Clarke looks at Kai then Raven and hesitates answering. On one hand, she knows for damn sure Lexa is not doing okay for multiple reasons. On the other, she doesn’t want to scare Kai any more than she must be already by revealing anything about Lexa that might be perceived by Kai as weakness. She puts her faith and trust in Lexa to keep them all safe, she doesn’t think hearing how Lexa is struggling will help matters right now. Clarke’s current concern is seated in Raven’s lap right now. So she responds in a way Raven will understand what she means:

 

“She’s fine,” Clarke responds giving Raven a very clear look to top it off.

 

Raven picks up on the sentiment (and look) and quickly changes the subject. She looks down at Kai on her lap, “Of course she is, she’s the big bad Heda right Kai?” she squeezes the girls side to force another giggle out. “Maybe you should try to get some sleep squirt?” she offers after.

 

“But I’m not-” On cue, Kai yawn cuts her off and she tries to hide it. She bites her lip and ducks her head shyly into Raven’s neck. Clarke watches very closely and picks up on the fear she sees in the girl’s eyes immediately. It worsens as Raven moves to stand up with Kai in her arms and head towards the door. And Clarke may not know exactly why there was a spark of fear that ran through Kai but she definitely understands why the fear has worsened as Raven moves.

 

“Wait!” Clarke stands and moves over to her friend, she reaches out and instantly Kai is reaching back. “She can stay here, …with me.” There’s a tiny sigh of relief passing through the girl’s body before she’s finally wrapped in Clarke’s arms and sitting on her hip. Raven nods and gives her a small smile and a squeeze on her arm. Kai buries her face in Clarke’s loose hair on her shoulder. Her arms are hanging on tight and her legs on Clarke’s waist are matching the effort easily.

 

“We’ll be back in a few hours,” Octavia assures her by the door.

 

“Get some sleep,” Clarke says. “Thanks again.” It’s a loaded ‘thanks’ and they all know it.

 

“We’re family Clarke,” Octavia says simply like she’s stating facts (which she is), “This is what we do.” With that, her friends leave the room and the door clicks closed. Clarke has already begun to carry Kai into the bathroom to clean up.

 

She instructs the girl to wash up and comb her hair while Clarke changes into sleep clothes and finds Kai something to sleep in. She comes back in with a larger shirt and a pair of shorts that sit way too large on the tiny frame. “It’ll have to do,” Clarke says when the girl comes back out.

 

“Thank you Clarke,” Kai says sheepishly.

 

“Did you have something to eat? To drink?” Clarke says from the couch.

 

The girl bites her lip and shakes her head ‘no’.

 

“Come here,” Clarke says gently in understanding. The little girl squeezes in beside her on the couch leaning into Clarke’s side. The blonde puts and arm around her shoulder, “Not really hungry eh?”

 

Kai doesn’t speak she simply hides her head deeper into Clarke’s shoulder. “Okay, it’s okay. I understand,” Clarke says gently and truthfully. She gets why Kai may not have a very large appetite right now.

 

She wonders what exactly is going on in the little girl’s head. She has an idea and she thinks Kai would feel better if she talked about it. But she doesn’t want to push her. She’s spent the better part of the last three years under the tutelage of Titus. Endless days spent being told ‘love is weakness’ and to carry your burdens and problems yourself. She is afraid the events of last night will strengthen his lessons and harden the small pliable heart inside. She fears it all will turn it black without a chance to give it life and purpose.

 

It reminds her of Lexa and the people who kept her heart pure and strong, the ones who showed her her first taste of how powerful love could be. How close relationships can help you grow and make you stronger. How love can drive your actions. Make you better.

 

Clarke’s never been a patient person. But for Kai she feels she has to be, she’s so young, she can’t help but think she’s drowning inside. She thinks she just has to wait for the dam to burst. So the blonde is patient with her, she doesn’t press her further at the moment. She does lean forward and pour a cup of water for Kai shortly after and moves to return her arm around her shoulder and hand her the cup. Kai takes it gently and sips at it for Clarke’s sake she’s sure. “There, that feels a bit better doesn’t it?”

 

The girl does nod shyly but doesn’t speak, she can see her eyes are a perfect storm of emotions. Clarke takes the cup and puts it back on the table. The blonde feels at a bit of a loss for words. She wants Kai to talk to her, to let it out but she doesn’t know the right route to take. She doesn’t know exactly what to say to the girl so she simply does what comes instinctively, she holds her. She moves slightly on the couch and pulls Kai closer.

 

She keeps her arm around her protectively and lets her head lie in the crook of her shoulder and chest. Her other hand scoops the girl up and places her in her lap. When she feels Kai’s sigh leave her chest and relax into her. Clarke joins her, she melts as well. She takes comfort from the small frame on her lap. She smells her hair and rubs her back softly, comforting the girl as best she can in silence. It reminds her of her mom holding her close when she was a kid. She would hold her like this whenever Clarke had a nightmare or a fight with Wells. Whenever Clarke cried her mother's lap was where she landed.

 

She held her this way when her dad was executed.

 

She chokes down the memories and tries to maintain her steady breaths. Her eyes are burning with tears at the memories, the events of the night, and the feeling of the tiny body on her lap. Before any tears can fall she feels Kai’s tiny warm hand lie flat on her chest, Clarke can tell she’s feeling for the steady beat of her heart. She's searching for comfort and reassurance unconsciously.

 

Clarke knows the signs well, Lexa's done it numerous times. She silently adjusts the girl on her so her head can fall to that side of her chest, instantly, she feels Kai’s ear press and listen close. The silence envelops them; it’s soothing just focusing on the steady rhythm of her own heart and Kai’s head rising and falling with her chest as she breathes.

 

Not long after that, the door pops open and Lexa appears.

 

Clarke and Kai both give her weak smiles when they see her. Lexa’s expression softens instantly when she sees the two girls. Clarke feels a small wave of heat from her when she gives her a small smile from one side of her mouth and quietly heads to the wardrobe for some sleep clothes. She watches Lexa head to the bathroom. When she returns she is changed, her hair is loose and unruly, face clear of blood.

 

Clarke’s breath hitches as she watches her move. Lexa goes to the bedside table and removes her small leather bound book and a writing utensil. To anyone else Lexa looked as stoic as normally, but to Clarke she looks exhausted. Done. She looks stiff and worried, conflicted. Lexa comes to sit on one of the chairs across from the couch. When their eyes meet Clarke is given a small reassuring smile and Lexa opens her book. This is the first time Clarke has witnessed her actually use it and add to it. She has known about it, caught Lexa with it numerous times, but never looked in it herself until Lexa had handed it to her last night to view the drawing she made of her ‘mark’.

 

And even then, she only looked at the page she was shown. Whatever is in that book, it’s Lexa’s and Clarke won’t intrude on her privacy. The brunette shares everything, literally everything, she deserves this piece to herself. So she keeps quiet, she watches her wife-to-be silently scribbling into the book at a decent pace. The scratching sound is soothing to Clarke, it reminds her so much of the sounds of herself drawing. She feels it lulling her, relaxing her scratch by scratch.

 

“Kai, you should try to sleep,” Clarke murmurs into brown locks of hair. She looks closely at Lexa, “And you’re still bleeding.”

 

When Lexa does nothing more but glance up and continue scribbling Clarke sighs. She nudges Kai and the girl hops up from her lap. The blonde moves towards one of the desks in the room and removes what she needs. She comes back to the coffee table with a clean cloth, a small dish, thread and a needle. “Head up straight,” Clarke instructs not bothering to give Lexa a chance to push her away. She moves and spreads her legs apart with her knee so she can stand in front of her. “Kai, put some water in that dish please.”

 

When Kai hands her the dish Clarke uses the clean cloth to clean Lexa’s face and head wounds properly. Lexa doesn’t wince or complain as Clarke cleans it for her and begins to stitch the gash in her hairline closed.

 

Once finished she heads back into the bathroom to wash her hands again and ring the cloth out. When she returns she finds Kai standing before Lexa with her head slightly dipped. The blonde furrows her brow and slows her entrance into the space.

 

“I wish to apologize Heda, I failed.” Kai says with more strength than Clarke thought she had in her right now.

 

“You did nothing wrong Kai,” Lexa says tilting her head.

 

“I did. I let us both fall behind, I let Maks fall,” Kai insists straightening her back and shoulders. She looks much older to Clarke in this moment.

 

Lexa doesn’t soften and pull the girl towards her, she doesn’t break the slight Heda mask she is now wearing. She stands and slowly paces with her hands behind her back. It confuses Clarke until she hears the conversation play out.

 

“Tell me, how did you fall behind?”

 

Kai swallows, “We were running and Maks was right beside me. We turned a corner following the group and when I looked to see Maks, he wasn’t there.”

 

“And you went back for him.”

 

Kai nods, “Yes, Clarke said ‘no one gets left behind’ so I went back. I heard him before I saw him, we’re always partenered together so I recognized his voice. I found him lying on the ground cry- yelling,” she tries to correct unnecessarily, “he was going to be trampled.”

 

Lexa nods to encourage her to continue.

 

Kai’s eyes go dazed as if she’s far away, “He wouldn’t move, I tried and tried and even got kicked over myself but he would not budge. So I…” She sighs and looks down, “I yelled at him. ...I called him weak. Told him he was a coward.” She looks ashamed and Clarke’s small gasp didn’t help judging by the quick wipe of Kai’s hand to her eye to hide a tear.

 

Clarke moves back to the couch silently and sits down hoping to remedy any uneasiness her gasp may have caused.

 

Kai glances at the ground and kicks the cement with her bare foot, “He didn’t like that. He shouted at me, but he got up, so I thought I helped. ...But when I went to pull him in the direction everyone went he refused and went the other way. I-I followed,”

 

“Oh my god!” Clarke exclaimed before she knew what she was doing. “You know how they got out of the city!”

 

Kai looks startled but nods to her before looking unsurely at Lexa. The brunette has kept her slow pacing up, “Please Kai, continue.”

 

“I followed him into the crowd and through the alleyways deep in the city, we followed the bone faces down, down, down into the halls of the old world. It felt like forever while we followed, I tried to get him to go back with me but he was…different. Like the scary stories Aden tells me, he looked possessed. He kept telling me he wasn’t weak and he would prove it.”

 

Clarke bites her lip and holds back the tears. She gets it. She knows why Maks went after them. He wanted to prove himself. He wanted to prove he wasn’t _weak_ for being scared and crying. She doesn’t blame Kai. Not one fucking ounce of her blames Kai. Her words were not her own, they were pounded into her head since she arrived at Polis. The minute that orphan set foot in the city thanks to her blackblood she had it drilled into her.

 

Those words, those ideals, they were Titus.

 

 

Kai chews her cheeks a moment before speaking again. “When we finally came up from underground we were in the trees. He wouldn’t slow down, I tried,” she shakes her head, “I tried to stop him so many times. He wouldn’t listen; he shouted and threatened me with his knife, told me to go home. And that’s when the bone face came back for us…” She swallows, “Maks didn’t even have a chance. He was down and gasping for his last breath before I could even blink. ...I couldn’t run, I couldn’t leave him behind.”

 

She lifts her eyes, hardened once more, voice strong and vigilant, “So I fought back.”

 

Lexa takes a deep breath and stops pacing to face Kai. “I do not see failure Kai.”

 

“I do,” the girl responds dejectedly.

 

“You shouldn’t,” Clarke pipes up bitterly thinking about Titus.

 

“You did well Kai,” Lexa says gently to help Clarke. “You have made Heda and Wanheda proud and you made Maks proud last night.”

 

Kai shakes her head, there’s tears welling in her ice blue eyes but they don’t fall. Determination is set across her features as she squares herself to look at Lexa straight on, respectful. “I failed him Heda. I did not get to him in time-”

 

“You did no such thing. You fought well, you did your duty, you got justice for him Kai,” Lexa says meaning every word.

 

“Jus drein jus daun,” the little girl says in understanding.

 

Lexa nods, “Blood must have blood. You spilled his blood for Maks’. You protected yourself in the process. He would be as proud as I am.”

 

“As we are,” Clarke corrects meaning every word. “Was that man your first kill?”

 

Kai nods and speaks low but firm, “I did what I had to do.” It's said with such intent, such vigilance that it reminds Clarke of her and Lexa. 

 

But the look of fierce pride on her face is slightly shocking to Clarke. It doesn't remind her of herself when she sees it even though the words do. Clarke's never said those words with _pride_ before, they were always laced with negativity and remorse. What's even more shocking, is that Lexa’s face mimics Kai’s. They both wear pride in the face of the brutality of the world. Jus drien jus daun is their way of life, it leaves little room for remorse for them. She's seen remorse in Lexa's eyes after a kill before but for a person she knew or cared for, it shouldn't surprise her to see none when they are speaking of the death of a man who killed a young boy.

 

Clarke expected tears, guilt or fear from the girl for taking a life, not just for losing Maks. She thinks about the deaths that she herself carries with her, the ghosts of her past. She expects to see what she had seen in herself after her first real kill, the day she slit Anya’s warrior’s throat after Tris died, she expected a typical reaction.

 

It’s foolish she knows.

 

The people born on the ground are anything but typical.

 

Their lives are anything but normal. As abnormal as growing up in space was for Clarke, growing up on the ground was probably more so. At least compared to the old world.

 

She remembers in this moment how very different their upbringings have been. Lexa and Kai have both grown up on the ground where fighting is a way of life. Killing to survive and protect has been the way of life long before Clarke came along. They have been exposed to the brutality of war from the moment they took their first steps. Maybe even earlier for Kai being an orphan. They have been exposed to it long before she was; she played catch up while Kai was ahead of the game. Kai was ready; she has been trained to take a life. She really shouldn’t be surprised as she was.

 

Kai is strong she knows what she has done, she understands taking a life, she has been taught a hundred different ways. She knows the weight of it. It’s obvious to Clarke. This child is wise beyond her years.

 

And Clarke's hesitation and patience on how to breach this subject with Kai has gone out the window. She knows how Lexa pulled this out of her. It wasn’t force it was guidance. Kai began the conversation; she approached it all like an adult, a warrior to her Heda and Lexa responded as such. She empathizes and comforts Kai enough with her fine mix of Lexa and Heda.

 

It’s a delicate balance, just like her.

 

Maybe Clarke’s concerns for how this would affect Kai were unfounded. She feels herself begin to relax now. She didn’t know she was carrying so much tension worrying about how Kai was going to handle all of this. She didn’t know all she would require was words of affirmation from Lexa.

 

Maybe Clarke should have.

 

After all, it’s all she needs usually.

 

Not long after that Kai is seated with Clarke again on the couch. The blondes legs are up and curled, Kai is resting in the crook of her knees with her head on Clarke’s thigh. They finally begin to drift off to sleep in the early morning sunlight drifting in.

 

They don’t register Lexa pulling the curtains to darken the room for them. They don’t notice her place a fur over each of them. They don’t hear her sit across in the chair and begin to scribble in her book once more.

 

And they don’t know that Lexa remains awake.

 

They don't know she waits for what she knows will come.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prob only one chapter today, the next one is no where near ready for how I wanna make you wanna both cry and gush.  
> Also, because I said so.


	29. Death and Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I dunno how I feel about this one. Fluff is hard for me since my heart is black. There was no read through/edits at all in this chapter.

As Lexa watches Clarke and Kai finally drift off to sleep she remains awake. She simply closes the curtains to help keep the sunlight out, it’s not dark by any means in the room but it is dark enough to get a decent sleep in. She places two furs on the sleeping bodies and returns to sit down in her chair. Watchful. She knows what will come, she just doesn’t know when.

 

She begins to scribble away again in her small leather journal. She fills it with the events of last night. She confides in herself through the pages of the book. She puts her fears, her thoughts and her joy into the books pages whenever she needs the release, the solitude, the silence. On this morning there is no joy added to the book, this morning there is death added to it once more. There are fears and concerns inked into the parchment today.

 

She writes about Kai and her trip after Maks. She writes about how much guilt she saw in Kai and Clarke’s eyes. She reads them easily; they both fear their own perceived failures last night. Kai feels guilty for Maks and Clarke feels guilty because it occurred under her watch. But Lexa doesn’t blame either of them. Not one bit. She actually places a large portion of blame on Titus, as she should.

 

Kai was following the path she was shown for so many years by Titus, her words to Maks were meant to inspire him. She just had no idea how he would take it. Maks, a ten year old, made the wrong decision last night trying to prove himself as strong. Titus’s lessons drove him into action just as Kai’s did. The man inflicted damage without even being present. She doubts his ability to guide these children the way she wished she were guided. The way she is guided now, by her heart and head working as one. She knows her decision to ask Clarke to be fleimkeppa is sound, right, the only way they can set the foundation for their people to thrive in the future.

 

She plays a roll she may not understand fully yet. But Lexa sees it more clearly everyday. Clarke is the key to everything. She is flames, fire and life.

 

She is the future.

 

A couple hours pass and Lexa continues to scribble in her book. When Kai stirs in her sleep Lexa’s eyes automatically find the girl and watch intently. She waits a few more seconds before Kai’s breathing returns to normal. She wonders what exactly her dreams are about. Are they about failure, Maks, vengeance, killing or are they happy, filled with hope? She hopes for the latter but she knows, she knows she has stayed awake for a reason and happy dreams are not it.

 

She looks at the girls auburn locks of hair, the strong features, her button nose and the gash on her head. She takes pride in the strength the young Natblida is showing. Kai reminds her of herself, she thinks about her first kill and how she reacted. She remembers the whole night as if it were yesterday. Born for a life of battle and death she watched that first man die slowly; she saw the light dim and flicker away from his eyes as he choked on his own blood. A knife to his lungs, two swift strikes and that was all it took. Fifteen seconds to end a life. It sticks with you. You carry it always.

 

She thinks about her first perceived failure and how Anya talked her through it. She reminisces of the strong general she knew so well. Anya was with Lexa as long as she can remember. She knew her in Polis, she knew her in TriKru, and she knew her as her general before she ascended to the throne. Anya was family Lexa never took the time to fully understand until it was too late. When Clarke delivered her braid it was as if someone knocked the wind from her, she tried to hide it but she is certain Clarke read her emotions easily, even then. She loved Anya like an older sister.

 

She misses her.

 

A tear escapes and blots onto the page below her. She does nothing to wipe it away or hide them. She lets them fall while the memories overtake her:

 

_“Heda, we need to leave,” Anya says quietly behind her._

_Lexa doesn’t move, she watches the village burn in front of her. She’s at the centre of it all. She wants to crawl out of her skin. She didn't want to be this person. She didn't want to be a tyrant. The smoke rises and billows in the autumn air. This was all at her command. The screams of pain she hears, the burning huts, the blood and the gore._

_It was all at her command. The deaths, oh the many deaths she caused…_

_This isn't the leader she thought she would be. This isn't who she wanted to be._

_“She isn’t here,” Anya says gently. “The intel was wrong.”_

_“I know,” comes the reply. It’s sad and heavy and full of disappointment. There’s a longing inside her, a missing piece to her heart. She has failed._

_“We’ll find her.”_

_Lexa shakes her head and watches a man crawl out of a burning hut. He’s screaming and moaning in pain but he continues his death crawl. Lexa unsheathes her sword again._

_“No. Not like this. I will not do it like this,” Lexa says walking forward and ending the man’s suffering with her sword through his chest. When she turns she finds Anya staring at her. There is concern in her eyes that Lexa rarely sees._

_“You won’t go after her?”_

_Lexa sets her jaw and shakes her head; “I failed her by losing her. I failed her by letting my anger and emotions fuel my need for vengeance, it blinded me. She wouldn’t want this… she wouldn’t want me to become this monster for her. She could not love me after this…” And there it is, the truth of the matter. Costia would never want the blood of innocents spilled in her name; Lexa has failed her in so many ways._

_Anya bows her head. They leave in silence by horseback; the burning smoke and screams trail off in the distance behind her. Lexa swallows her tears. Somewhere inside she has begun to let Costia go._

_It is the next day when she receives her head. A week later Azgeda is brought into the coalition all in Costia’s name._

_A small token to make up for her shortcomings. It doesn’t feel like enough. It doesn’t remove her guilt for losing her or killing in her name. She feels empty. Alone._

_All alone._

_That night, Anya reminds her that she isn’t. She comes to her room and holds her tight, she lets her cry and scream and moan for her dead love. She tells Lexa she is not weak, she tells Lexa being vulnerable is a strength. She tells her she’s proud of her. She holds her on the bed until long after Lexa cries herself to sleep._

 

Another stir and kick from Kai brings her out of her memories. Instantly, Lexa is up when she hears the whimper. Without missing a beat she has laid her book down and crossed the distance to the couch. Her arms comes out when Kai shoot awake with a muffled whimper.

 

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” Lexa coos putting her hands under Kai’s armpits and removing her from Clarke’s side. She startles herself at how natural it feels as Kai scrambles to hold on and bring herself closer. She sits on Lexa’s hips with her arms tight around her neck and her face buried into wavy brunette hair. Lexa walks her over to the bed and sits down with her back on the headboard, Kai on her chest and stomach. Her hand moves naturally up and down the little girl’s back soothingly. “You’re okay little one,” she says gently.

 

A few minutes of soft whispers and gentle hand movements on her back begin to calm Kai.

 

“I’m sorry Heda,” Kai whispers.

 

“There is nothing to apologize for.”

 

“I am weak,” Kai insists through a fresh wave of tears.

 

“You are strong Kai,” Lexa says. “This is not weakness, this is humanity. You lost a close friend tonight, you took a life, you carry guilt and you mourn. That does not make you weak. That makes you fit to lead Kai. If you can’t carry what you’ve done, if you can forget it easily you are not fit for leadership. The best leaders remember. We remember it all Kai.”

 

“Even Wanheda?”

 

“Even Wanheda, she probably carries more than any of us, her emotions and ability to feel makes her great for leadership,” Lexa confirms. “You are a lot alike you know?”

 

A sniffle comes from her neck, “Really?”

 

Lexa nods and smiles, her eyes are fixed on Clarke, “She would have done the same as you last night. Your actions, your bravery to go back for your people is exactly what Clarke would have done. She would have risked herself just as you did to save one life. Do you think she’s weak?”

 

“Never.”

 

“Then I’ll tell you a secret,” Lexa says, “you walk more in her image than you may think. You’ve been spending time with her for a little over a week, tell me do you not wish to follow her lead?”

 

“I would follow Clarke anywhere.”

 

Lexa smiles, “So would I.”

 

“You love her?” Kai asks while her tiny fingers play with Lexa’s hair.

 

“I do. Does that make me weak?”

 

“No.”

 

“Why do you think that?”

 

“You are Heda.”

 

“Don’t give me the answer you think I want to hear, tell me your true thoughts little one.”

 

Kai is quiet for a few moments while she thinks. “Titus is wrong... Love can’t be a weakness; Wanheda loves you and loves her people. You love her and love your people. It just doesn’t make sense, love sounds more like a weapon to me.”

 

Lexa smiles at the intelligence the girl shows. “You doubt Titus’s teachings?” She’s really curious now.

 

“…I reject them,” Kai says sitting back to see Lexa’s face. “He taught me to believe it was wrong and weak to show emotions, love and sadness are emotions… I yelled at Maks, called him a coward and weak. It did not make him strong - it made him dead. I loved him; I must have, why else would I have gone back? Why else would I have killed that man? Love drove my blade Heda.”

 

Lexa pulls the girl back into her chest and hugs her close. “Love drives us all little one. It is a powerful weapon, I am sure you’re right, love drove your blade.” A few more minutes of silence went by but Lexa can tell Kai isn’t ready to fall asleep.

 

“Did you want to tell me what your nightmare was about?” she offers. When Kai doesn’t answer Lexa pushes gently by revealing her own truth, “it’s okay to be afraid Kai, you will not be judged, not by Clarke or I. You’re safe here.”

 

“I’m not afraid,” the girl insists but her conviction is lacking.

 

“I’m afraid a lot,” Clarke’s voice carries from the couch. The blonde rises and pads over with her fur to the bed, she crawls in beside the two and lays her head on Lexa’s shoulder. Her head beside Kai’s and looking into those ice blue orbs.

 

“Really?” Kai murmurs.

 

“Mmmhmm,” Clarke says and moves her hand to Lexa’s knee. “If you tell us what you’re afraid of I’ll tell you what I fear. I’ll show you what helps me,” she tells Kai.

 

There’s a moment of deliberation before Kai answers. “I’m afraid I will lose them all. I fear death.”

 

Clarke bites her lip at the revelation. She had expected to hear a nightmare about Maks and or the man she killed. She did not expect such a prolific answer. “Death is not the end,” Clarke says remembering when Lexa first said it to her.

 

“You should not fear death little one,” Lexa adds, “it comes for us all in time. Our lives are cycles, did you know that? Clarke and I have lived before and we will live again. As will you. As will Maks.”

 

“Death is a new beginning?” Kai whispers.

 

“Death is not the end,” Clarke repeats with a tear of her own in her eye. She swallows and runs a hand through the back of Kai’s hair, “I am afraid of losing the people I love as well.”

 

“Truly?” Kai asks looking at her.

 

“Same as me,” Lexa states.

 

“Oh,” Kai says softly as she lets it all sink in.

 

“That fear will drive you to be a good leader Kai,” Clarke says matter of factly with her eyes on Lexa’s green. A small smile is given from each woman.

 

“What do you do to fight your fear?”

 

“In battle?” Lexa asks.

 

“No. In the darkness…at night when the battle is done.”

 

“Ah, well I hold on to Clarke,” Lexa says with a smile, she’s only half joking.

 

The blonde rolls her eyes, “I light the candles for her. A small light to rid the darkness, we use them like a beacon.” She rolls onto her back to reach for a candle beside the bed. She rolls back over to find Kai and Lexa looking at her fondly.

 

Clarke smiles and opens her palm, “Watch closely.” She ignites the small flame from within onto her palm to a delightful gasp from Kai. Clarke smiles and lights the candle. Even through the light of the sun shining through the curtains the candle flame burns bright for the three of them.

 

“How did you? You said mother’s can’t breathe fire!”

 

“They can’t,” Clarke said through a smile. “I can’t. But I can harness the flames and keep the darkness at bay.” To prove it she makes the candle flame soar higher before she turns and puts it back on the table.

 

Kai looks at Lexa, “You’re lucky.”

 

Lexa smiles, “I know. Will you try an sleep now?”

 

“Will you tell me a story?”

 

Clarke hums in agreement and gets comfy again with her head on Lexa’s shoulder. The brunette adjusts to get comfier herself and Kai settles in once again on her chest.

 

“Once upon a time there was a woman. She had the heart of a lion and the head of an angel shrouded in a halo of yellow sunlight. She grew up among the stars, a princess above it all. She fought for her people, their rights and their freedom to know. She was captured and locked away for a long time. She waited and waited for her future to become clear. She searched for her purpose. One day, her home was dying, her people would suffer and she wouldn’t accept it. So she left her home, she led her people back to where they originally came from. She fell from her home among the stars. When she landed she was thrown into her rightful place, she became a leader as she was always meant to be. She met a woman, they fought on opposite sides of a war but love brought them together. First, it was the love of their respected people. Then it was love causing a betrayal, one love was sacrificed for another love, a love of their people. The woman who fell from the stars’ love drove her to save her people from war and death. Her love, strength and conviction brought down a mountain and ended a reign of terror. Her heart mended and thawed one that forgot how to beat. She is a queen in knight’s armour, the commander of death. She is the heart that fueled the Heda.”

 

Kai was fast asleep but Clarke was eyeing her seriously. “That’s not exactly the type of story I think she wanted to hear,” she whispers.

 

Lexa gave her a small shrug and smirk, “It’s my favourite story. Plus, she’s asleep isn’t she?”

 

Clarke moves her hand to entwine her fingers with Lexa and sighs. “I love you, you know that.”

 

“And I love you, with everything I have.”

 

“Lexa?”

 

“Clarke.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Clarke, you sound like Kai.”

 

“Well I need to apologize, I failed you tonight. You asked me to get them back to the tower and I lost two of them in my haste.”

 

“Clarke, you didn’t fail anyone. Titus failed us, he failed them. His pride was hurt and he disappeared to lick his wounds. The task to get them to the tower should not have landed on you in the first place, but you take it because it’s who you are, you did it because I needed you. As for the rest of it, Titus killed Maks. Titus spoke through Kai. Titus wronged them, he has damaged them.”

 

“Lex,” Clarke hesitates knowing where this is going.

 

“I know it is a lot to ask to take this position on, to have more responsibility placed on your shoulders with the Natblida’s – especially after last night – but I need you to know, my decision has not changed. My request of this has not altered, it has only strengthened my belief that this is the right move. You _are_ the next flamekeeper Clarke.”

 

“I know,” the blonde says in a soft breath. “Did Luna give you any news?”

 

“The trail leads far to the Northeast, the scouts haven’t returned. Those that had followed Titus indicate that he was telling the truth – he was at the festival before returning to his quarters. Later today Luna, Kai and I will retrace her steps and find the tunnel they used.”

 

“You don’t know what she’s talking about?”

 

“There are many, many tunnels from the old world that still exist. She could be referring to a number of them. I was certain we had them all covered. The only thing I can think of is that one of the old tunnels that had caved in was somehow cleared without our knowledge.”

 

“And the prisoners?”

 

“They will be on the trees by the time we head outside later,” Lexa assures her. “Try to rest Clarke.”

 

“Have you slept at all?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Liar.”

 

“Sleep Clarke, I won’t be far behind now.”

 

Clarke furrows her brow, “You stayed awake. You expected her to have a nightmare.”

 

“You were awake for a lot longer than I thought,” Lexa says with a knowing smile.

 

“I heard it all, you’re very good with her you know. A natural.”

 

“It’s easy when I have someone like you to guide me,” Lexa insists.

 

“Uh-uh nice try Heda. That was all you, all natural, instinct. Kai was right you’re a mother.”

 

“I have birthed no child Clarke,” Lexa says turning her head.

 

Clarke snorts, “You’re a mother to your people Lexa, you’re a mother to these kids. The sooner you acknowledge that fact the sooner we can get Titus out of their heads. They need you and your guidance as much as you think they need mine. Look at the child in your arms, have you ever held one of them like this before?”

 

Lexa shakes her head contemplating. She squeezes Kai tighter and smells her head.

 

“Did you just sniff her head?”

 

“She smells good.”

 

“That’s mother behavior,” Clarke playfully warns.

 

Lexa frowns slightly before grinning. “I am sort of good at this.”

 

Clarke chuckles softly to not wake Kai, “You’re good at everything Lex, but you’re a natural at this.” She yawns and closes her eyes. "I'll see you in my dreams," she keeps her hand entwined with Lexa as she let’s sleep take her.

 

Lexa remains awake for a short while after that. She looks at the two bodies in her bed. She smells the soft brown hair under her nose once more and sighs. The warmth of their bodies mixing with her own sending a buzz through her body she can only describe as pure love.

 

Sleep finally takes her off and her dreams are filled with light, candles and of course Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that was cute enough for you guys.
> 
> PS. Ashley, you fucker, I'm concerned I didn't get this exactly how you wanted so if there's something else you want to see or them chat about you tell me bish! I just sort of guessed and ran with it...
> 
> Also, Fuck Thursdays. My salt is back.  
> Next chapter I get to kill again so we good fam...
> 
> *Awkwardly shuffles away*


	30. Beautiful Monsters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just the one chapter today. Next one is not ready at all because it's still in my brain. I was planning on moving this along a little quicker but this chapter just sort of fell together naturally and I couldn't ignore it.

Clarke wakes a few hours later to a light knocking on their door. She sees Lexa’s small frown and scrunched up eyes before she hears her soft groan of protest. Kai remains sound asleep and buried into Lexa’s side, her face hidden from her mass of hair.

 

“Enter,” Clarke calls to the door rubbing sleep from her eyes.

 

Raven and Octavia come bustling into the room and don’t stop, they simply pad across the floor towards the bed. Lexa’s giving them a pretty daunting side eye as she tries to preserve her last moments of sleepiness. Clarke moves her feet and Octavia hops on the end of the bed, her feet crossing and landing between Kai and Clarke. Raven on the other hand crawls right over Clarke and wedges her way in between the blonde and the seven year old.

 

She swings an arm lazily around Clarke’s shoulders, _“Sooo..._ how was everyone’s sleep?” 

 

She now gets a solid glare from everyone but Kai who yawns and rolls over into Raven. “You’re boisterous little bird,” she murmers.

 

“Boisterous? That’s a big word,” Raven chuckles sounding impressed.

 

Without missing a beat Kai lifts her head and smirks, “It’s the polite way of saying you’re _loud.”_

 

Octavia hurls out a heavy laugh, “That just made my entire day.” She is promptly hit in the head with a pillow from Raven who earns a disgruntled push from Clarke for taking said pillow.

 

“You’re both boisterous,” Lexa says sleepily with a sly grin. She looks at Clarke, “We better get a move on.”

 

Clarke huffs out a sigh, “Yeah, I was kind of enjoying hiding in here though.”

 

“We don’t hide, we fight,” Kai says sitting up and crawling out of the furs towards the bottom of the bed. She leaps out and heads to the bathroom.

 

"She's wild," Raven comments happily to agreeable nods.

 

"She's special," Clarke adds fondly.

 

Lexa is next to get up while Clarke, Raven and Octavia hang back. “O can you take Kai to change, then to eat. We need her after but I want her to be with the other Natblida’s a bit. They’ll all know about the news soon if Titus hasn’t told them already.”

 

Octavia nods, “Consider it done.”

 

“What about me?” Raven pipes up.

 

“What about you?”

 

“Don’t I have a job today? I want to help.”

 

Clarke frowns for a moment in thought. Then she praises her mind happily.  _Good Clarke._

 

“Yes, actually now that you ask I do have a job for you. Radio duty; check the market for any useable parts. There’s also a room in the tower filled with electronics and stuff from the old world. Scraps and shit that fell with the ark that were scavenged as well, Mira can show you.”

 

“Okay, why am I building more radios?”

 

Clarke sighs and runs a hand through her hair, “I just think we’ll need them. Plus, it couldn’t hurt could it?”

 

Raven clicks her tongue against her teeth and shrugs, “Alrighty then, good enough for me.”

 

“Thanks guys,” Clarke says finally rolling out of bed as well.

 

Kai has exited the bathroom looking a little more awake than she had previously. She looks to be high in spirits, which Clarke is glad for. Obviously the sleep, paired with Lexa and Clarke’s talks with her has helped. It makes Clarke feel a little lighter. She loves these moments, these moments that occur _without_ her causing death. She can do good without taking a life. She needs to remember that. That feels important.

 

“Come on squirt,” Octavia says getting up and holding out her hand for Kai.

 

“Wait for me,” Raven chimes in following on her brace when Kai snagged Octavia’s hand.

 

After the door closes Clarke heads to the bathroom to find Lexa washing up. “Radios?” The brunette says drying her hands and glancing at Clarke.

 

“Mmhmm,” Clarke hums. “They may come in handy, hopefully we can build a few and maybe spread them out in the city or to the clans? Keep communication channels open like we do with Arkadia. Luna should have one, maybe even scouts? Although, if they get in the wrong hands it could mean trouble...we'd have to be careful.”

 

Lexa raises her brow and turns to face her, “I don’t know why you keep impressing me but you do. I already assume you will make good decisions like this or have good ideas but it always impresses me or surprises me anyways.”

 

“I don’t know whether to be insulted or take that as a compliment.”

 

“Compliment,” Lexa says coming closer and wrapping her in her arms, there's a soft glint in her eyes and she is radiating heat and love. “Definitely a compliment.”

 

“Listen, if we are going to get anything done today you need to stop looking at me like that.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“You know _what,”_ Clarke pokes her chest playfully with a smirk.

 

A similar smirk grows on Lexa's face and Clarke rolls her eyes and detaches from the brunette after a pretty languid kiss. She makes her way to clean herself up as well.

 

Minutes later they are dressed in long black coats, black pants and their armour. Clarke wears her new shoulder guard proudly. Their hair is braided once more and intricately pulled back from their faces. They also carry their weapons as normal today, daggers on thighs and swords across their backs.

 

“Paint?” Lexa asks finishing up her own war paint.

 

Clarke hesitates but nods and joins her by her side. She dips her hand in and makes the one mark across her forehead and down her right eye and cheek.

 

“Why the change,” Lexa asks curiously as Clarke wipes her hand clean.

 

Clarke shrugs and sits down on the end of the sofa staring at her feet. Her mind goes back to killing Roan. It draws on all the points leading up to that moment. “That’s kind of difficult to put into words,” Clarke says vaguely, thinking.

 

Lexa doesn’t say anything she simply sits beside her and waits for the words to come. If Clarke hadn’t wanted to talk about it she wouldn’t have sat down. She  _knows_ her.

 

“Remember I told you I killed Roan?”

 

Lexa nods, “Yes.”

 

“Well there’s a reason I didn’t tell you how…” Clarke scrubs her boots together awkwardly as the memories fill her and swarm. “He was different when he found me this time. You could see it in his eyes he was detached from his own mind. He was spiraling,” Clarke says painfully thinking of the man who was once so strong. “He was violent and scary to be honest and I was, well, I was livid. I was _so sick_ of being captured, taken against my will…I poked him and prodded at whatever vulnerability I could find. We argued over you and making him king, he blamed you for Azgeda not following him. King Roan the Kingdomless…”

 

“He made a decision that night to honour friendship over his people, he regretted that decision?”

 

Clarke nods and bites her lip, “He insulted me in the woods, called me _skygirl_ , told me I had titles thrown at my feet. He told me I was no one. But I’m not, and even if I was, I wouldn’t truly be _no one_ because I’m _someone_  to you." She gives her a small smile.  _Someone special._

 

The blonde sighs, her mind going dark again. "I felt something crack inside when I heard his insults…I was already covered in my own blood from his first attack; it was smeared just like this paint is now. This Wanheda, or monster inside me wanted his blood, I felt _so angry_ Lexa,” Clarke shivers at the memory knowing that rage only worsened soon after.

 

“I guess the paint on my face represents Wanheda’s blood, Roan’s death did not come from a place of protection, mercy or defines - not really -…it came from rage. Blind rage. It came from lack of respect, it came from vengeance, and it came from hatred. I lost it, I lost control and I let the monster loose. He called me _Skygirl_ one too many times. That was all it took...”

 

“Clarke-” Lexa began but she was cut off.

 

“My hands were bound and I was _kneeling_ before _her_ , _beside_ _him_ ,” she hisses coldly remembering it all vividly. “All I could see was red. All I could feel was bloodlust and I gave it to her. She wanted it, and a part of me felt she deserved it. And I - I just let her take control. I didn’t think about my safety or consequences…I just…lost it."

 

She shakes her head and swallows, "I snapped like twig with too much tension on it. Wanheda locked me away deep inside where she normally sits on her throne of bones. Strained to the breaking point, I snapped his knee and launched myself on him, I bit his pulse point. I broke the skin with my teeth, tore the flesh from its home, tasted iron, caused the red to leak and watched him _die_ slowly. Painfully. That part of me, the monster, the animal inside…she liked it Lex. She _liked it._  ...And she only let me back out when the light faded from his eyes.”

 

“The paint represents Wanheda’s blood. You wear the monster’s mask.” Lexa says this quietly, thoughtfully. Finally understanding, this new mask is a symbol, a reminder that she may wear the mask of the beast, but it is Clarke that _must_ hold the leash. “I can relate to the monster inside, the one that comes out and tries to lock me in has done it once and only once,” Lexa offers gently. She’s about to be vulnerable again so she swallows her emotions so she can speak properly.

 

“When?”

 

“When Costia went missing. I told you I never looked for her – I lied. ...It’s something I try to distance myself from, try to forget what I let happen even though it's impossible…" She takes a breath, "I went once and only once searching for her, I let the monster off her leash and the new Heda burned an Azgeda village to the ground. I left no survivors. She saw red and reveled in it. We went based on flimsy intel that proved to be more than false. When I realized that and the red began to clear from my vision, the sights before me shook me to my core. I leashed my monster once more and became its master in her honour, a good thing too…the next day I was delivered Costia’s head.”

 

“Lex, I’m so sorry.” Clarke said and laid a hand on Lexa’s thigh. She feels desperately sorry for Lexa and her pain but she also feels a little closer to her now, if that were even possible.  Not just because she's being vulnerable, not just because Costia is their first emotional tether, it's the fact that they have that commonality between the two of them that eases her. Knowing Lexa has a monster inside, the same bloodthirsty one as her own, is helpful but at the same time terrifying. If they were to lose control, the both of them, at the same time, it would be devastating.

 

They always provide balance for each other, a calming influence and a clear head…but what if they both were seeing red…what if both monsters broke their leashes. Clarke isn’t even certain she can control Wanheda’s leash, if she imagined it, it would be tight and straining at all times. Threatening to break at any moment.

 

She shivers at the thought.

 

“That rage you felt, I _do_ understand it Clarke, perhaps better than you realize...” Lexa says quietly laying her hand over Clarkes. “I felt it inside me that day you killed Roan. It swallowed me, burned inside me and consumed me. It took me a few seconds to handle it and get control; I broke a stool in the med bay. I even punched Raven in the face before she brought me back. It was the same and not at all the same as the day I burned the village, familiar yet not mine. It was all yours.”

 

Clarke’s quiet for a few moments letting it all sink in. “I’m scared it will happen again,” she finally confesses.

 

Lexa nods and furrows her brow, “Me too. All we can do is our best and if the monsters are set loose we give them just enough leash to do _our_ bidding.” She takes a thoughtful breath, “The monsters play their roll Clarke, fearing them and starving them will only make things worse. Make them harder to control.”

 

“So how do we do that? Control them?” Clarke asks thinking she already has the answer.

 

Lexa stands pulling Clarke to her feet, “We continue to train them.”

 

“We _feed_ them,” the blonde agrees thinking about the day ahead of them. She can already smell the death to come from the assassins on the tree. Heda will have her fill and Wanheda will join the feast. Sundown. They just have to wait until sundown.

 

They head out of the room hand in hand, armored and armed with their blades.

 

They are just two simple monsters caged within beauty, purring beneath blazing hearts.

 

Let the world come knocking.

 

They will be ready.

 

Maybe, they'll even knock first.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so ready to have them kick some ass you don't understand. Hopefully after next chapter we have a bit of a time jump as we move into deeper waters. But who knows really with me ?
> 
> *scrunchy face*


	31. Retracing Kai's Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boom surprise bread crumb from part 2 again. :/

After eating a quick meal around mid morning, Clarke, Lexa, Kai and Luna head out of the tower.

 

The air is light today, a tad brisk, but the sky seems more red than blue. As if the blood from last night is staining the clouds, or the blood that is to come at sundown hovers and waits for its moment to fall. It’s eerie but not at all daunting to Lexa, she’s seen that sky a hundred times before. It’s something that soothes her and rattles her at the same time. It’s familiar even if she wished it wasn’t.

 

They cross out into the open and towards the courtyard. They can see the blood trees standing tall and the five bodies hanging from them waiting for their sentence to be carried out. Torture then death for the attack and deaths of Lexa’s people. They will carry it out publicly as both a show of authority and a further warning. 

 

Blood must have blood. They must have answers. 

 

They will get both.

 

“Red sky in the morning, warriors take warning; Red sky at night and the birds take flight.” Luna murmurs the Boat Clan’s saying to Kai who’s holding tight to her hand.

 

“What does that mean,” the girl asks as they walk a few paces in front of Clarke and Lexa. Their hands aren’t held together but they’re casually brushing, sometimes on accident, mostly on purpose.

 

“What do you think it means child?” Luna’s natural husked voice filters back.

 

“None of it sounds good,” comes the reply. “They both sound like warnings to me.”

 

Luna laughs softly and throws a look over her shoulder to Lexa, “This one caught on earlier than you did Heda.”

 

“Well now her ego is only going to get bigger,” Lexa jests with raised eyebrows.

 

“Need a big ego to rule don’t you,” Luna mocks with a playful nudge to Kai's side.

 

“You would know,” Lexa pokes back.

 

 

The older woman shrugs. “You’re right I would,” Luna confirms playfully with a wink before turning her attention back to Kai. “And you’d be correct Kai. They are both warning’s child, a red sky means the earth runs red with blood.”

 

“Red skies say blood has fallen or will fall,” Kai murmurs with a tilt of her head, looking up.

 

“We used to have blood skies every morning and every night,” Luna tells her. “Before Heda ascended and built the coalition the ground was slick with it and the rivers ran red.”

 

“You describe it better than Titus,” Kai comments.

 

“She does a lot of things better than Titus I imagine,” Clarke says in Lexa’s ear earning a small (slightly undignified) snort of laughter from the commander. The blonde beams beneath her Wanheda mask of paint. It’s a weird combination being ready for blood _and_ smiling. It unsettles her for a moment before it fades. The monster purrs.

 

“Kai, you should be watching where you’re going not watching the sky,” Lexa reminds her gently keeping them on task. “We need to know which way you went from here.”

 

The girl stops walking and looks around. “It looks different today.” She hesitates then points, “This way, we _definitely_ went this way.”

 

...They didn’t go that way.

 

They didn’t go the second route she chose either.

 

Two hours later they were back at the courtyard again. Clarke steps forward when Kai is turning red in both embarrassment and annoyance. She bends down in a crouch so she can see her tiny disappointed face.

 

“Hey, it’s okay. Last night was intense and chaotic, today the streets you ran through are calm it makes sense that you have trouble recognizing it. Don’t worry Kai, we will figure this out.”

 

“Clarke,” Kai whispers with a quick glance to Lexa and back to Clarke, “I can’t find my way.”

 

“Do you trust me?” Clarke asks with a thought breaking into her mind.

 

Kai nods, “Duh.”

 

“Hey, lose the attitude _goufa_ ,” _child_ , Clarke gently scolds. “You’re spending too much time with Octavia.”

 

“Sorry Clarke,” Kai says bashfully. “Yes, I trust you.”

 

“Good. Then take my hands,” she offers them palm up which Kai takes and Clarke holds her there, still crouching. “Now close your eyes.”

 

Kai shuts them tight but peeks.

 

“Shut them. No peeking,” Clarke says with a smirk. “Take a deep breath. Then another…Good…again.” She coaches Kai into a steady pattern until she feels she’s calm.

 

Clarke takes a breath of her own. “Now can you picture us dancing for me? Go back to last night in your mind, what did you smell, what did you hear? Did the food taste good? Can you hear the music? Picture that, put yourself there again. Are you there, do you see it?”

 

Kai nods, eyes still clamped shut and a small smile on her face.

 

“Good girl. Now walk through the evening. What did we do after dancing? We sat with Raven right, you met my mother remember?”

 

The girl nods again, same soft smile on her face. “I like Abby,” she hums.

 

“Abby likes you too,” Clarke says. “Now, after that you had a dance battle right? Then there were…screams. Shortly after I found you guys, now retrace your steps…”

 

As she watches Kai’s face fall her hands grip tighter. She is white knuckled into Clarke’s, fingernails digging in and drawing small amounts of blood. The blonde winces but her concern is for Kai. She can see the fear and worry and pain in her face without even seeing her eyes. She can feel the small tremble in her body as she retraces her steps in her mind. Clarke runs her thumbs gently over Kai’s hands.

 

She sees her wince and her breath has sped up considerably. Clarke can feel her knees shaking beneath her and she instantly scoops Kai onto her hip. “That’s enough Kai, you’ve done enough,” she coos rubbing her right hand on the girls back. Kai whimpers and hides her head in blonde hair.

 

“I saw him again,” Kai whispers through small sobs.

 

“I know. I know. It’s okay. You’re alright kid, take a moment.” She had a feeling she would react this way. This she is not surprised about. Retracing your steps through a traumatic event, no matter how strong you are, it’s powerful. It affects you.

 

Finally she feels the girl sniffle and wipe her nose. She leans back and their blue eyes meet. Ice blue to azure orbs both trusting and patient. “I know the way now,” Kai says softly looking from Clarke to the two other women.

 

“Good work Kai,” Lexa says placing a hand on her back when she got closer. “Show us the way little one.”

 

Clarke puts her down and Kai grabs Lexa’s hand pulling her forward. (The complete opposite direction she had taken them previously.)

 

* * *

 

 

An hour later they have arrived through many twists and turns, wide alleys and smaller ones. They went through cramped spaces and around a lot of corners. When Kai finally stops tugging on Lexa’s hand she is pointing at a large round grate. It is similar to the one that led through to the pauna’s feeding ground those many months ago. Except Lexa had never seen this tunnel before.

 

“That wasn’t here last night, or it was pushed aside. Anyways, it wasn’t blocked,” Kai tells them.

 

“You are sure?” Luna asks inspecting the grate closely.

 

“Very sure lady of the boats,” Kai responds nodding.

 

“Good work Kai,” Clarke says putting a hand on her shoulder.

 

Luna pushes and pulls at the grate before sighing and removing one of her weapons. She bangs on a joint a few times before the rusty thing finally moves. Her and Clarke push it aside. Beyond the grate is a round tunnel, large enough to stand in for Clarke and Kai but just a tad too small for Lexa and Luna, who both must hunch a bit. It’s dark and it leads down. Down. Down.

 

Just as Kai had said it would.

 

“Well,” Luna says merrily grabbing a branch and tearing a piece of fabric from her shirt, “I love a good tunnel of foreboding darkness as much as the next girl,” she wraps the fabric around the branch and drips a liquid on it from her pocket, “but I say we take a light.”

 

Clarke smirks and lights the torch she made instantly for her to a delighted Kai. Luna holds it high above her head and enters first. Behind her goes Kai, followed by Lexa and lastly by Clarke who holds her own flame in her palm. She makes it soar a little higher to provide more light. The tunnel leads down a flight of steps.

 

Kai keeps peeking back at Clarke and the flame curiously earning more than one nudge from Lexa to keep her eyes forward.

 

They walk for a long time, a _very_ long time. It’s hard to judge the time without the sun to go by, but Luna has informed them it’s over two thousand paces. They see no light at the end of the tunnel, not yet; all that is illuminated is the walls above and beside them. They can hear water trickling like a leaky stream.

 

Clarke slows and moves closer to the wall to inspect the sounds. She runs her flameless hand along the old stones and mortar to find a steady seeping. “Why is there so much water, it’s too much to be just groundwater?”

 

Luna and the rest of the party stop and Luna moves to inspect the wall now too. Similar to Clarke, she runs her hand on the wall. She bends to inspect the floor, the soft puddles of dirty water at their feet. She leans close with the torch to see the steady stream heading the direction they are. She tastes the water leaking from the wall. “You are right Clarke.” She looks around, “…I think we’re under the lake.”

 

“The lake?”

 

“We weren’t but we now are, we have to be. Come on, the water leads this way. It’s a natural gradient of the tunnel.”

 

Another five hundred paces or so more and they finally see a small patch of sunlight drifting beyond, teasing them from the far end of the tunnel.

 

“This doesn’t make any sense,” Lexa says finally as they get closer to the exit. “This tunnel, the path to it from the courtyard. It’s too specific.”

 

“They had help,” Luna suggests.

 

Lexa internally growls, “They must have.” She doesn’t voice her concerns or thoughts further. She doesn’t have a chance.

 

There’s loud rush of sound behind them, it echo’s down the tunnel and deafens them. The ground and walls tremble as the women try to keep their balance. A loud rumble comes followed next with a quick rush of air from that end of the tunnel.

 

“What is that?” Kai asks heading back towards the sound with her hands over her ears. Damn her curiosity.

 

Luna is staring wide eyed down the tunnel; Clarke is shaking her head in attempts to shake the noise from her senses. But she knows that sound even from here.

 

“That was an explosion!” She screams looking back wildly. Her feet feel rooted to the ground, her heart pounding right along with her ears. Fear grips her bones.

 

“RUN!” Lexa screams at them as she watches and feels the tunnel start to crumble. She shoves Clarke ahead of her as Luna grabs Kai’s hand. They bolt further down the tunnel towards the light. “Run Faster!” Lexa’s screams echo before it is washed out out by the destructive sound behind them. They can hear the water begging to rush in from the explosion site. The small stones that held the tunnel together are rippling and crumbling behind them.

 

Luna and Kai are the first to get out of the tunnel. Clarke stumbles and falls. She is quickly grabbed by Lexa by the underarms and hauled off her feet and out the tunnel’s exit. They come bursting out before the water rushing out of the tunnel picks them all up and thrusts them forward in a large wave. Clarke tries to ignite her flames, but they fail to take her, whether by fear or the water she cant tell, she is thrown into a large tree trunk; Luna is thrown between a tree and boulder, while Lexa is washed to her stomach face down roughly.

 

Kai, being so small and light, is pushed beyond them coughing and sputtering on the water but otherwise unharmed. She sits up and brushes her wet hair from her face, “Wow! Can we do that again?”

 

“No,” the three older women say at once sputtering against the water.

 

Lexa is on her hands and knees crawling over to Clarke to help her up. Clarke is shaking the fog from her head, right hand gingerly touching the bruise; Luna is trying to unstick her clothes from her skin while also checking their surroundings. Moments later they have composed themselves enough to walk back towards the city.

 

“What was that?” Luna asks as they make their way back towards the city walls.

 

Clarke shakes her head, “We’ll have to bring Raven back to take a look. She’s the expert of boom and _that_ was definitely a boom.”

 

Lexa nods but remains silent lost in thought. Her anger is bubbling at the surface, her worries only growing. That tunnel was too hard to find, someone would have to know the city well to be able to use it, let alone know about it. If the tunnel was sabotaged or booby-trapped she didn’t see it. If someone set of an explosion at the other end, then they were followed and the tunnel was purposely compromised _while_ they were in it…

 

There were a lot of implications and even more possibilities.

 

Raven was their current hope.

 

 

* * *

 

 

After they changed to dry clothes in the tower and fixed their war paint again Lexa and Clarke rearmed themselves and headed outside. Both were silent. Seething. Ready for the blood to fall. The monsters were prowling; Wanheda was bubbly, anticipation getting the best of her. Both wanted answers.

 

The crowd outside had been gathering since midday. Dusk was crawling in quickly and fires and torches were being lit. The drums were beating at a steady rhythm matching Clarke’s heart rate.

 

When Lexa and Clarke get closer to the blood trees the crowd parts around them and their guards. Octavia is following behind Clarke along with Ryder and a few other warriors. Lexa catches Clarke’s eye and holds out her elbow. The blonde raises her eyebrows in surprise but takes the offer and slips her hand through the hook of her arm and lays her hand flat on Lexa’s forearm. Coming to the front of the trees, they round, putting their back to the prisoners and facing the crowd.

 

Lexa addresses them loudly reciting the charges and the punishments to a roar of ‘Jus Drein Jus Daun’ from the crowd. A flick of her wrist and silence instantly falls once more.

 

She turns her and Clarke to face the blood trees. She takes a deep breath and sighs it out through her nose. Clarke briefly squeezes her hand on Lexa’s arm before removing it. “Let’s get our answers,” she whispers reassuringly, chancing a glance to the brunette.

 

Lexa nods once and then raises her chin, mask set firm, leash being loosened. “Time to feed the monsters,” she breathes back.

 

An hour later the screams are tearing into the night. Darkness fell quickly as soon as the blood began to drip. Red sky to black and ghostly in the moon and firelight. The first cut of the knife, the first broken bone beckoned it ever darker. Lexa took charge; she led the way for a long time before even gesturing to Clarke to begin on the next prisoner. Monster and monster united as the night amplified along with the screams.

 

Lexa watches closely as Clarke cuts an ear from the woman she is interrogating. As she asks her question the woman’s eyes flicker to her right. Another piece of the woman is lost to Clarke’s blade as the next question isn’t answered. Again, her eyes flicker to her right. Lexa tilts her head before moving to the man on the far end of the row.

 

Each cut, each question, each time they take the blade or pain their eyes are flickering to the man that sits untouched still. The one Lexa purposely left alone. The last one without any cuts now. She sees their tell each time the prisoner they question weaken, each flicker or glance lands on this man. Finally, Lexa is satisfied, the monster is pleased. She knows the flicker, without a doubt (and probably a little more vindictively than needed), to be a tell now. The answers lie within the man untouched. He leads them. That’s why their answers are unhelpful. He pulls the strings. The puppet pulling the strings for his puppet masters.

 

Lexa gets a tight smirk on her face and a glint in her eyes. A dangerous sign.

 

 “People of Polis! I leave these four at your mercy,” she gestures to the four bleeding prisoners. She points at the one remaining untouched, the leader, “That one is to be brought inside to be questioned further.” She turns to address the crowd fully, “blood must have blood. Take your cuts! The kill is yours Polis.”

 

With that, Clarke puts her hand on Lexa’s offered arm again, as if they had done it a thousand times before. In sync. Fluid and as one. They move inside to a more private location. Behind them, the prisoner is removed from his tree and brought gagged and chained in to the tunnels. They lead to a private cement cell, the man is thrown into a chair.

 

“Remove his shackles,” Lexa orders Ryder.

 

Thee man looks confused but complies without question. The prisoner brings his now free hands forward and rubs his bleeding and raw wrists.

 

Lexa steps forward, purposefully making her voice lighter, more innocent.  “What is your name?”

 

“Meck,” the man grunts through dim, tired eyes.

 

“Meck,” Lexa says  watching the man through her mask. “I propose to you a deal, I will not harm you should you speak true.” Lexa's glance runs from Meck to Clarke briefly and the blonde picks up on the subtle look. The blonde knows this man won’t be leaving here alive. She can tell. Wanheda always knows. She reads this scene clearly and she knows what will come. That simple look was all it took for her to catch on.

 

Meck tilts his head and narrows his eyes. He bites his cheeks and looks around from Ryder, Clarke to Lexa contemplating his options.

 

“You have very little choice here. You tell me or I kill you,” Lexa continues, as if bored, with a raised chin and hands behind her back. Intimidating and effortless, in her natural way.

 

“What do you want to know?” the man grunts out.

 

Lexa narrows her eyes dangerously, “First, what clan do you come from?”

 

The man's head hangs for a moment before sighing, “Delphi.”

 

Lexa shows no reaction. She merely absorbs and continues, “Who was involved in the attack, which clans?”

 

“Delphi and Desert.” His answer sounds honest as he looks to both leaders.

 

“You had help. Someone from the city? Your clans are not in Polis enough to know the city’s layout this well,” Lexa accuses.

 

The man swallows, Clarke narrows her eyes in thought. “Correct,” the man finally says.

 

“Who was it?” Clarke questions not at all afraid of stepping on Lexa's toes.

 

The man smirks at her eagerness, Clarke's first tell. “I answer that when I am outside the city walls,” he counters.

 

“No.” Lexa hisses.

 

“Then you will never know,” the smug face he gives Lexa is begging to be removed. The monster seethes and bares it's teeth inside. There's warning written in the look she returns.

 

Clarke steps forward again with intense eyes and a small tight smirk. Lexa may have promised not to harm him, but she didn’t and she needs to move this along. She raises her palm and lets the flame ignite. Wanheda purrs once more, the gesture gets the reaction she hoped for and her deadly smirk grows. “You’ll tell her now," the blonde informs him.

 

The man’s eyes are wide and looking back and forth from Lexa, the flame and Clarke’s deadly blue glare. Fear. Pure fear. Unintentionally both leader's eyes flare at the sight, it's soothing and what they need right now. Monsters have their leash, they have been given their space to explore.

 

It's necessary.

 

It's catharsis.

 

The blonde is moving forward, slowly, each step she lets the flame grow inches higher. "Think carefully," she whispers in her dangerous husk, "who was it that helped you? Who told you of the tunnel?"

 

The man grinds his teeth as the flame gets closer, he flinches as Clarke lets it lick his cheek. "Ah, ah! Vera! It was Vera!"  


 

Lexa growls at the news of her handmaiden named as a traitor and Clarke presses the flame to the man's cheek, "Speak true!"

 

"Vera!" He screams out. "She is of the Desert!" He growls as his flesh bubbles.

 

A hand on Clarke's shoulder stops her further. She glances at Lexa who seems solemn and dark, "Specific. Close to me. Access to the tower."

 

It makes sense.

 

Clarke gives a curt nod and in one motion she takes her dagger and slices the man's throat in her anger. Giving Wanheda what she is due, giving Kai what she can, justice.

 

"Heda may have given you safety from her hand, but my blade is my own," She removes her blades from his neck and shoves his head backwards over the chair.

 

The masters regain their leashes, the monsters curl up inside beside the fiery hearts, sated and waiting for their next meal.

 

Lexa and Clarke leave arm in arm to the tower. That night their dreams are troubled. Dark. Betrayed by light. Candles be damned.

 

Kane was right, Shakespear was right, uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. 

 

Vera died the following day at Lexa's hand. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *day drinking*
> 
>  
> 
> (for those of you wondering, Vera appeared in Part 2 chapter 53: smutland) (hahahaha seriously. WTF.)


	32. Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time jump here folks. Hopefully this chapter fills you in a bit on what occurred in the last 8 wks. Things are about to go in a lot of directions :/

 

**[8 Weeks Later]**

 

Clarke lies down on her back upon the grassy training ground used for Natblida’s. They call it the nightgrove and it’s where they train in the spring and summer months when the weather makes the trail passable. It is private, serene and only for use to the Natblida’s who learn and grow here in both body and mind. They spar here, take lessons from Lexa and Titus here and they also use it for meditation and reflection.

 

It has a small alcove, where Clarke is currently relaxing, that overlooks the city. There’s a deep well that sits behind her away from the ledge and sheer drop below. From here, you have a perfect line of site from one end of Polis to the other, including a stellar view of the tower. It is truly breathtaking.

 

Her long black jacket is splayed out beneath her; her yellow hair is fanned out behind her head and down her back. Her hands are behind her head propping it up from the damp earth. Her legs are crossed at the ankles and her eyes are fixed, not on Polis, but on the night sky.

 

It’s the warmest night they’ve had so far since the snow fell and she is hard-pressed to let it pass her by. She can indulge in the fleeting stillness of the world a few more minutes.

 

She’s breathing slow and silently, just listening to her surroundings. The calm serenity found in the nightgrove is a blessing. She’s alone and she prefers it that way right now. The only person who knows of her trips here this past week is Lexa. She used her flames to get here, so she fears no one following her or knowing her whereabouts. (And that’s a nice feeling to have considering she’s perfectly safe this time compared to every other time.)

 

Her mind, though here in her head, is off far away in thought.

 

She’s thinking about change.

 

She’s thinking about everything that’s changed in the last two months.

 

Change often takes us out of our comfort zone. Some of it relies on destiny and fate. It is filtered through decisions and hearts and faith.

 

It is inevitable, inequitable.

 

It has no respect for those in its path. Change comes for us all, for better or worse, depending on how you view it or what side of it you sit on. Change requires adjustments, processing, adaptation and acceptance. Change can be unbearable and uncomfortable; change can leave you feeling a loss of control or helplessness. And change can leave you feeling _powerful._

 

For those who don’t let go of the past, or adapt for the future, change can be _deadly._ Destructive. Unforgiving.

 

You must be flexible and malleable for change to be positive for you. You have to break the rules and even make new ones. You must lean in to the curves change throws in your path. Change is needed to evolve on the past. People grow through enduring change head on; each day on the ground is endurance building.

 

Change is not a battle to be won, yet it requires victors and not victims; because, as simplistic as it could be: change is a journey and only the strong survive.

 

No, change is not a battle to be won but it _does_ _have_ casualties.

 

Change changes time, runs time, breaks time. It has no bounds to time. It runs its own course, at its own speed. Time slows for those reluctant to embrace change and it accelerates for those who do. It is measured not by the construct of time but by its impact. Change is for the better, or at least, …it’s supposed to be.

 

Change looks not to rest but to continue on, from one point to the next.

 

And Clarke Griffin knows: change occurs in the heart first and our actions second.

 

Change is like a haze of smoke or fog, you can’t see five feet in front of your face but you can damn well continue your journey and make it through the lack of visibility.

 

There are many different rates of change. Sometimes change is gradual, fluid and slow. Other times, change is rapid, all encompassing, and so violent it will leave your head spinning.

 

In Clarke and Lexa’s world, well, they experienced the latter.

 

It has been two months since the Winter Festival attack.

 

To no one’s surprise, the world kept turning. The grand scheme of things went into flux. And yes, more people died over the winter.

 

And more people will die before the summer sun.

 

The spring thaw is upon them. Winter is giving way to spring to change the world from white canvas to lush greens and browns. The air has warmed up, the ground is beginning to thaw completely and the new farming season comes closer.

 

The two leaders had spent the last two months doing as much as possible to keep _everyone_ alive. They have spent many days locked in the throne room in meetings or discussing things at length in private. They have spent months going over possibilities and options and getting seemingly nowhere. Frustrations, fear and increased hostility from every clan were not helping matters. The clan representatives travelled back and forth from Polis as often as Clarke and Lexa required. The coalition remains with TriKru, SkaiKru, Boat Kru, Plains clan and the Glowing Forest. Those remaining with unknown allegiances are the Lake People and the Rockline Clan.

 

Delphi and Desert clan’s delegates that were responsible for the attack on the city, were dead already taken care of by Clarke and Ontari months ago. Some of the assassins escaped and as far as they knew those clans stood against them. They still did not know if they acted alone or if the clan leaders themselves were aware and condoned such attack, so for now they remained watchful and wary. A blockade has been placed around their lands with a kill order for any found across the borderlands. The goal is containment until they can come to an agreement on how to proceed. 

 

Against the coalition for certain are Blue Cliff, Broadleaf and Azgeda. This wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t have the largest armies in the surrounding areas. Right now, the coalition simply didn’t have the numbers to make any headway with these clans. They can’t go to war; they can’t afford it, not yet.

 

Things were messy. She’ll put it that way.

 

Luna and Ziva were entrusted with radios to help keep contact with their Heda’s. Raven continued to work on others that they were saving for any large battles, or any battles being fought on multiple fronts. They had a lot, not tons but hopefully enough to be useful. Fifteen was her last count, the ‘Polis Yard Sale’ as Raven called the junk room in the tower, was proving to be loaded in spare parts.

 

To her and Kai’s delight she even has an old world Humvee pimped out and almost drivable. She just needs to finish the solar panels to run the engine. She has dubbed it the ‘Rover’ and Octavia has already placed ‘eternal dibs’ on the shotgun position. (Aden has argued vehemently about such a thing but Octavia won’t budge.) The newest proposal is a bet that could result in them sharing fifty/fifty split on the position _if_ Aden wins. 

 

There is a lot of posturing occurring from the clans who left the coalition. Increased tensions have led to multiple skirmishes and village battles. Some villages are attacked in search of food, advantage or leverage. Some were attacked for simply staying loyal to Lexa or to prove dominance. People are continuing to vanish into thin air. Disappearances have been reported from many villages. It is obvious that these occurrences are difficult to absorb but Clarke has found Lexa to be exceptional at it. She seems to internalize it, she feels for her people and she makes moves to right the wrongs.

 

As the months wear on it is becoming more and more clear to them both that they will need to go on the offensive. Mostly because Clarke is low-key losing it and her stress level even has Lexa on edge. When Clarke is away from Polis she is spending time in Arkadia or within TriKru villages helping keep order and making decisions for their people. Lexa entrusted her and so far Clarke has not let her down since. But more change is coming and coming quick, their roles are about to be amplified.

 

 Clarke has kept herself sane by increasing her training. If she was deadly before she is absolutely lethal now. She dove head first into training the day Lexa killed Vera. First, it was under Lexa’s guidance. Hours and hours spent in close proximity sparring with fists, blades or staffs.

 

Then, she furthered her training by increasing her time under Luna’s tutelage, travelling to her each day via her flames. It took a solid month of daily training but she now walks like a ghost on the ground, she makes little sound, she leaves almost no trace. Luna even told her she was proud of her progress. (Clarke pretended it wasn’t a big deal and definitely _didn’t_ ‘fangirl’ with Octavia after.)

 

Clarke also began training with Ziva meticulously. She would make trips using her flames to visit her three times a week to work with the woman and Zora, who was learning what it takes to be a clan leader from her sister. It was on one of these trips that Ziva finally revealed why Lexa insisted on Ziva’s guidance for Clarke and it was not for leadership, it was for blade wielding. It was for training her to cause death more efficiently, to keep her safe. She taught her how to leave no trace unless you mean to make a point. Ziva was an assassin. A _very_ good assassin. She taught Wanheda how to kill over a thousand different ways. She taught her everything she knew about poisons, pain and causing death.

 

To no one’s surprise Clarke was an exceptionally good student of death. (She commands it after all.) Ziva was simply helping her understand how far that could go. She taught her how much pain a person could take before they succumb to it, she taught her how to stave it off, how to inflict it quicker, and how to make it last…

 

And Clarke impressed her every time.

 

She is Lethal.

 

Efficient.

 

Ziva and Luna’s guidance had made Wanheda an even better weapon. She became a ghost with Luna’s help. She became a razors edge with Ziva’s.

 

Clarke embraced the legend of Wanheda and was ready to further it now. She was ready for battle and war. She was ready for death and destruction. She was ready for stealth and assassination. She believed she was ready for anything Lexa or their people required of her. Having so much to _live_ for made her resolute in the balance within her. Wanheda and Clarke were more than ready to work as one. She was not afraid to do what she needed to do. She had carried that guilt for her people before and she would continue to do so. She bears it so they don’t have to. What’s more, she’s willing to.

 

When Clarke is in Polis she continues to attend meetings. She joins the Natblida’s lessons at least once a day as well when she’s in the city. Lexa has even given her reign to begin teaching her own lessons, something that required very little convincing on Clarke’s part. She taught emergency care and battle dressings for wounds as well as simple first aid and resuscitation. She answered questions about leading SkaiKru truthfully; she discussed sacrifices and duty with them free of judgment and in a safe space.

 

Raven began teaching her own lessons to them as well much to the delight of the novitiates. They all enjoyed Raven immensely (how could you not?) but they were even more enthralled with the technology she was showing them. She taught them all how to activate and use the electric batons, she even let them experience the feeling (something they tried to hide unsuccessfully from Titus). She taught them how to work and wire a radio as well as various other pieces of equipment. She had them all build something, anything they wanted; she allowed them to be creative even with machinery. Aden had a knack for the mechanics and was often found on his spare time in her shop tinkering away beside her while Kai looked keenly on over their shoulders.

 

Yes, change was occurring all around them and rapidly.

 

It came as no surprise to Clarke or Lexa for they know what life is like on the ground. They understand change very well and they are pushing for change to work in their favour. They have plans and hopes for peace; they just need to find a way to get it. Change is a funny thing, neither one of them like the spilling of blood but they aren’t afraid or opposed to spill it if necessary. They aren’t afraid to let the monsters indulge. Not anymore.

 

Those that stand against them stand against peace and they will spread that message loud and clear if they need to. Two months had only bolstered their intentions to make life better for their people. Lexa has seen the clans at civil war before but this is _new_ to Clarke, it is moving and alters her forever. Seeing sacrifice and death caused by someone other than herself is strange to see and the martyr side of Clarke feels guilty. She thinks she could have done something to help, to fix. She becomes determined to do better.

 

They would do whatever it takes to achieve peace and reform the coalition. Things always get worse before they get better, the current state of relations were now worse so it was time to make them better.

 

Peace comes at a price.

 

It will cost all sides dearly.

 

But for now, she lies quietly looking at the sky from Earth. She lets her mind run until it runs blank and she’s left only thinking about the remote luminous points in the black sky above her. She breathes slow and feels her very own small sense of peace.

 

Maybe someday this will be lasting.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just love reflective Clarke. I love deadly boss bitch Clarke more.
> 
> ...I just love Clarke.


	33. She Wants to Write her Own Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay but hopefully it's worth it! No edits or read through on this one so if there's a glaring boo boo holler at me!

 

Clarke lies in the nightgrove’s serenity for some time before she realizes she’s not alone any longer. She definitely used her energy to get here and though she moves silently upon the ground Clarke is aware. She is always aware of Lexa.

 

“Finally,” she murmurs turning her head as Lexa lies down beside her.

 

Lexa reaches her right hand behind her head to prop it up and the left lies across her stomach. “Finally? I did not realize we had planned this,” Lexa comments with a small smile averting her gaze to the stars above.

 

“We didn’t. I just had a feeling you would come to find me.”

 

“I always do,” Lexa says finishing Clarke’s unsaid thought. “You like it up here.” It’s an observation not a question.

 

“Its peaceful,” Clarke tells her. “It’s easier to think.”

 

“Do you wish to be alone Clarke,” Lexa asks turning her head slightly to read the blonde.

 

“No,” Clarke replies. “Stay.”

 

They fall into a very comfortable silence just watching the sky above them. After a while Lexa speaks, “Do you know the constellations Clarke?”

 

“I know of them,” Clarke says. “Not well enough to point them out. It’s hard to look at them when you live among them.”

 

“My favourite one is Aries.” Lexa tells her.

 

“The ram right?” Clarke asks thinking back to her schoolbooks.

 

“Yes. Do you know the story of how the ram came to be in the sky?”

 

“Vaguely,” Clarke admits. “Not gonna lie, it wasn’t my favourite subject.”

 

“Well I find Greek Mythology to be fascinating, I know the story well.” Lexa explains with an excited bubble in her voice. She shimmies closer to Clarke so they’re shoulder to shoulder and points with her arm to allow Clarke’s eyes to follow, “There it connects through five stars. Do you see?”

 

“Yes,” Clarke breathes back her answer taken back by both Lexa’s enthusiasm and proximity.

 

“Well, the ram constellation’s mythology comes from the story of Jason and the Argonuats, whose quest was to find the golden fleece of Aries the Ram in order to prove himself the rightful king in Thessaly. Jason had the throne usurped by his uncle before he was born and was removed from the city for his safety; when he is old enough, he returns to take back his kingdom and is tasked with the fleece to prove his worth. He assembles a great team of heroes called the Argonauts to assist him and eventually, through many tedious and laborious tasks they are successful. He returns to his rightful place on the throne along with his proof. However, his success is short lived, not long after he and his lover are driven from their land and separated. Like most Greek myths, his ends in tragedy: he took a ships mast to the head and died.”

 

“And that’s your favourite?” Clarke asks incredulously furrowing her brow. “That sounds like a terrible story.”

 

“You haven’t let me finish yet. I like that story because it reminds me that even when you get what you desire you must continue to work to keep it and be deserving of it. It is how I approach my reign as Heda.” Lexa explains waiting for Clarke’s small nod in understanding. “Also, I was born under the ram if you follow astrology,” she adds.

 

“I didn’t know that. I didn’t know you’re people followed such a thing.”

 

“We don’t. I do because I enjoy learning,” Lexa shrugged. “I find it interesting to think that people born under the same months can share characteristics. I find it interesting to think that people can be influenced by such a thing.”

 

“So what does it say about people born under the ram?” Clarke asks with genuine curiosity. She loves when Lexa and her talk, but she absolutely craves these types of moments. Moments when Lexa is open, honest and unguarded completely. She’s taking mental snap shots every few seconds, this memory she’ll take to the grave.

 

“Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. It is said that people of this sign are always leaders and very comfortable being such. They are typically first in everything, unafraid to lay the path for others to follow. They’re courageous, determined, confident, passionate, optimistic and honest. They can be impatient, moody, short-tempered and aggressive.” She pauses here as Clarke chuckles softly.

 

“No arguments here, that sounds just like you.”

 

Lexa give her a playful nudge and continues, “They are always looking for energy, speed and competition. Even threats. They are active and prefer to be such whether physically or intellectually. They’re always searching for answers to personal or metaphysical questions. You’ll like this part: Aries is a fire sign meaning we are feisty and tenacious which can be our downfall. If that has anything to do with my proclivity for candles or you I can’t be sure. But as such, often people of this sign can act rash without thought; our impatience can cripple us so it is important to remind yourself of this, at least for me anyways.” She pauses before adding, “We also have a tendency to rule with our heads and lead with our heads.”

 

“Surprise, surprise,” Clarke comments dryly and earning herself another playful nudge from Lexa. She narrows her eyes staring at the constellations, “What about me, I’m fairly certain I fall under Libra if I remember correctly.”

 

“You do,” Lexa confirms. When Clarke moves her head to catch her eyes Lexa grins and explains with a nonchalant shrug, “I asked your mother. I was curious.”

 

“Well?” Clarke asks with a cocked brow, secretly enjoying the small blush on Lexa’s cheeks.

 

She pauses like she needs to give it thought but Clarke can see right through her. She always has. Instead of calling her out on it she’s a good girl and simply waits.

 

“Libra’s are cooperative, diplomatic, gracious, fair and social. They can be indecisive and wish to avoid confrontation when they can. They can…carry a grudge,” she says glancing Clarke’s way before quickly continuing on, “they can take pity on themselves too. They prefer harmony, peace and sharing, they dislike violence and injustice. Equality is important. Libra’s are balanced, their sign is the scales of justice.”

 

She runs a quick brush of her hand through Clarke’s hair while she watches her, “They are good at avoiding pandering to conflicts and prefer to keep or orchestrate peace where possible. They aren’t afraid to act when they are needed. They are peaceful and fair, they prefer the company of people, partnerships are very important. They have a victorious mentality and yearn for cooperation. Libra is an air sign with conveyed intellect and a keen mind. Quality is always more important than quantity for Libra born.”

 

“Well that doesn’t sound like me at all,” Clarke jests sarcastically earning a soft chuckle and eye roll from the commander.

 

“No, not at all.” Lexa replies just as sarcastically with a slight smirk.

 

“Did you want to know what I was thinking about before you got here?” Clarke finally asks turning her head slightly.

 

“I wish to know what you’re thinking about all of the time.”

 

Clarke can’t help but roll her eyes a little. She sighs, “I was thinking about change.”

 

“What about it?”

 

“We talk about peace all the time, we discuss how to achieve it, we talk about the things we want to change but we get nowhere. Not really.”

 

“Not yet,” Lexa corrects her.

 

“Right,” Clarke says lamely. “Anyways I was thinking about the changes I’ve made, training with Luna and Ziva, that sort of thing.”

 

“Clarke? I don’t like where this is going, I know you. I know that tone.” Lexa turns her head fully and even props herself up on one elbow.

 

Clarke chews on her cheeks in deliberation, “Then you’ll probably not be surprised by this part.” She too turns a bit to face Lexa, “I’m going to pay a visit to Delphi and the Desert Clan.”

 

Lexa tilts her head and narrows her eyes. She remains quiet for a few moments giving nothing away. “Can I ask why?”

 

“Sure. I’m going to sneak in and get to the bottom of the attack, find out where their allegiances lie once and for all. I’m sick of waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

 

“And how do you propose we do this? We’ve been discussing our options on how to safely proceed with them for two months now and we have come to no solution.”

 

“No _safe_ solution,” Clarke points out. She bites her lip a moment, “And to be clear, I’m not proposing _we_ do anything.”

 

Lexa cocks and eyebrow, “Is that so? And I am going to assume you’re going to do this? All on your own?”

 

“Don’t sound so surprised Lex. Isn’t this what I’ve been building towards? Maybe me working with Luna and Ziva wasn’t just for my own protection. Maybe it was to help me do what needs to be done. With my energy and my skill, I think I can do this.”

 

“You want to go into their territory _alone_ and you expect me to be okay with that?”

 

“No,” Clarke is quick to point out. “I am not expecting you to be okay with it in the least, but I would expect you to acknowledge that this is me coming to you as one of your people - one of your generals and _not_ as your niron. This is _Wanheda_ asking for permission to serve our cause.”

 

Lexa flops back gracefully again to her original position. She is silent in thought but Clarke can practically hear her mind working overtime. “What is your plan?” she finally asks.

 

Clarke raises her eyebrows. She hasn’t said no, but she hasn’t said yes either. As far as her ‘plan’ goes, that’s about as far as she gotten.

 

It went: get Lexa’s approval. That was it, that was the extent of her plan so far.

 

But Clarke has always been quick on her feet and she’d be lying if she said she weren’t having dreams about doing just what she suggested.

 

So after a beat of considering her options she speaks. “Well, I use the flames to get me behind their lines, behind their scouts eyes. I’ll have to look at a map or something to visualize my landing point,” she says thoughtfully (that’s a good start). “From there I go in and find the leaders, find out once and for all if they stand with us or against us.”

 

“You think the leaders will just tell a stranger whether or not they had part in the attack or if their delegates acted alone?”

 

“No, but I think they might tell the Ghost of Wanheda.”

 

Lexa turns to look at her a moment absorbing her meaning. “Fear _is_ a powerful motivator…”

 

“I go alone, quietly, maybe try to haunt them a bit or something? It’s harder to capture and kill a ghost right?”

 

“Clarke this would be an offensive move. You would need to kill, I highly doubt you will get through enemy territory and straight into a leader’s presence without someone’s blood spilling.” Lexa takes a breath, “This is different than any other time you’ve killed.”

 

Clarke sighs and stares at the sky.

 

“Is it? Is it really? Because I don’t see it, yes I have killed in defense or in protecting my people…but going on the offensive is still protecting them to me. I see that clearly now. I don’t need to kill them all, nor do I want to, you know that. You know me. I don’t want innocent blood on my hands but if we sit back and continue to get nowhere in all of this that’s exactly what it feels like when more of our people die or go missing. I feel their blood on my hands and I can’t help but feel like I could have done more Lex. It never goes away.”

 

She hears Lexa breathe deep and slow through her nose obviously considering Clarke’s words. “I feel it too,” she admits eventually. “It is a fine moral line you wish to walk Clarke. One foot on each side, you realize this don’t you?”

 

Clarke takes a deep breath considering her warning. She’s right; of course, it is a fine line she’ll need to walk. She could easily cross it, lose control of the monster inside if she indulges too much and lose herself along the way. This route will challenge her mind and heart. If she goes too far there may be nothing - not even Lexa - that could bring her back. “I know this Lex. I’m ready though. And… I think I’ve been walking it longer then we realize.”

 

“If you feel this idea is the route we should take I support you; but I ask Clarke, please, give me one more week. One week to see if I can do this without us needing to cross that line. Let me send word to Luna’s scouts first.”

 

“Lexa, you’re the Heda. I’m just the right hand. I’m not afraid to get messy, to do whatever I must to keep us and our people safe. If I have to compromise myself to get us a lasting peace, I can do that. I’ve done that. Wanheda _can_ do this for us.”

 

When Lexa simply looks at her some more in thought Clarke continues with renewed resolve bringing one hand down to lay on Lexa. “I told you after the trial that I didn’t want anyone to fear me. Do you remember that?”

 

“Of course,” Lexa says quietly.

 

“Well I was wrong and you were right. Fear _is_ what will make them take notice, but our actions and our hearts will keep them loyal. I can strike fear into them, I’ll grow the legend and I’ll make the Ghost of Wanheda a real thing,” she says passionately before furrowing her brow and thinking back to the ghost story Luna revealed to her, “only this time there will be no silk robe.” She looks at Lexa with determination and tenacity, “I’ll knock on a few doors and tip over some water troughs or something. I’ll only kill if I need to make a point or defend my position or myself. I’ll offer them peace within the coalition or death. If they are to see my heart they’ll have to see my wrath as well.”

 

She watched Lexa’s throat bob in a swallow. “You used to run from your title,” Lexa commented quietly and Clarke could tell she was still thinking hard about what Clarke was saying. If she wasn’t mistake there was a slight tinge of fear in her eyes at either Clarke’s plan or what this could do to Clarke, she couldn’t be sure. Her face was soft in the moonlight and Clarke could see the deliberation every glance she took at her.

 

“I used to run from a lot of things.” Clarke replied after a moment of thought. “I’m so sick and tired of running Lex. I can’t do it anymore. My legend seems to grow without any conscious effort on my part so why not embrace it? Why not consciously further it so I can have some control over it. The more I think about it the more I think this is the right way to go, feed the monster but keep a hold of leash right? We’ve been building to this without even realizing it. You can’t tell me this plan doesn't have merit.”

 

“Perhaps you’re right,” Lexa says. “I still do not like this.”

 

Clarke shrugs awkwardly on the grass, “If something happens you’ll feel it right? If I need help you’ll be able to get there in the blink of an eye. What’s more I can get in and out that same way. I really don’t see much of a problem here…”

 

“You’re safety is always a problem Clarke. It is a concern that is always at the top of my list, I can come with you.” Lexa says throwing a side-eyed glare Clarke’s way.

 

The blonde huffs, “You can’t come with me. We can’t both risk this, not until I know this will work. You know we can’t leave the city at the same time right now, not with things the way they are. Plus, they may recognize you and if that happens we definitely have Polis taking the retaliation. All people know about me is the blonde hair; the rest is made up lore and embellishments right? Mira said it was something about two heads and serpents tale? Let’s call this a test run?”

 

Lexa huffs now as Clarke makes valid points. The blonde sees her jaw jutting around as she deliberates. “One week,” Lexa agrees carefully. “We discuss this again when you return from Arkadia, you’ll have your answer then. But Clarke, I am having Luna’s scouts beyond the blockade informed, one sign of trouble from you and the blockade will change into an attack.”

 

Clarke shakes her head, “No Lexa. You can’t attack them if I fuck up. That’s not how Wanheda’s Ghost works. She commands death she takes only death with her for this, blood had blood two months ago. If I’m caught they are allowed to seek justice from the spilling of mine if they decide I am the enemy.”

 

Lexa purses her lips and says nothing. They both fall silent again, this time not so comfortable. It’s funny how the brain can fuck that up.

 

Clarke knows she will try to go in a peacefully as possible. She will limit her killing, but doing such a thing as she is planning _is_ an offensive move. It does not mean she needs to be offensively aggressive or bloodthirsty however because she has the advantage; her legend is widespread since the dropship and the mountain and is only growing since the night of the trial.

 

Tales of Wanheda, or Wanheda’s Ghost have been reported in every alehouse and brothel from Polis to Azgeda. She’s even been reported to be in various small skirmishes along the coast that she was nowhere near when they occurred so the story of Wanheda is growing with or without her input. And Clarke figures it’s time to spread her ghost story herself now.

 

“How did you do it last time?” Clarke asks.

 

“Do what?”

 

“The coalition, how did you get them all on board?”

 

“A lot of mutual need, trade routes and marketplace that sort of thing,” Lexa says, brow furrowed in thought. “It helped that we had mutual enemy in the mountain. But mostly, it was through war. Death. Assassination. Force.” She sighs and her eyes grow sad, slightly painful.

 

“Well this time we add another,” Clarke tells her quietly as she squeezes her hand, “ _Hope._ ”

 

“If anyone can help them see it it’s the one that brought it to the ‘ _heartless_ _Heda’_ ,” Lexa quips trying to lighten the mood.

 

Clarke smiles as she remembers when she first called Lexa heartless in the pauna’s cage. God, she was a fucking idiot sometimes.

 

“We should head back soon,” Clarke says eventually and definitely reluctantly. “I haven’t packed for my trip to Arkadia yet.”

 

“About that,” Lexa says. “I want you to take Aden along this time, his wound has healed fully.”

 

“That means I’ll have to take a guard and horses,” Clarke says pointing out how this would make things difficult for her. She finds using her flames a whole lot easier, all she has to do is keep her bag over her shoulder and everything gets where it needs to go easily and safely. Cuts down on travel time and yes, she’s gotten a little spoiled from it.

 

“He is fifteen now Clarke, he needs to get experience and witness leadership outside the capitol. He needs real world experience in the villages.”

 

“He’s TriKru, why not send him to TonDC with Indra?”

 

“Because I wish him to learn from you,” Lexa explains with an air like she shouldn’t have to spell it out for Clarke. She does anyways. “Indra is a fine leader and excellent in battle. She lacks a lot of qualities that you possess innately, qualities Aden has but cannot access yet. He can learn a lot from you.”

 

“And how is she going to feel about that?”

 

“It will probably add to the salt,” Lexa jokes with a small smirk. Then she rolls her eyes at the glare Clarke gives her in return, “Oh come on _niron_ , you know Indra has her strengths but they are not the same as yours. When my spirit moves on it will most likely choose you to be the next commander, if not you, it will be him. I need him to be ready.”

 

“You’re spirit is _not_ moving on anytime soon Lex.”

 

“You don’t know that Clarke and you or I can’t promise any different. Please understand-”

 

“It’s fine,” Clarke cuts her off and immediately regrets how cold her voice sounded. She just hates when Lexa talks about her death. Hates. Hates. Hates it. But she corrects herself and softens her tone as she speaks again, “I’ll do whatever you ask. You know that.” She sighs, “And I do understand.”

 

“Good.”

 

“You do have to make one promise though.” She adds thinking, she may as well since they’re sort of on the subject, she eyes Lexa carefully, “You have to promise that we _will_ meet again. And I know - I know you can’t say that for sure but I need to hear it. I just… I just need you to tell me that whatever comes next we’ll find each other.”

 

“We _will_ Clarke. I promise you we will.” Lexa says full of emotion. “Even right now, in some other universe, in some other timeline we have peace. We have a normal life. We’re married. We have kids, three of them, a boy and two girls. You create art and educate young minds and I uphold the law, I defend the weak. Together we are really _living_.”

 

“That sounds nice,” Clarke hums imagining it. “What are their names?”

 

“Who’s?”

 

“The kids. What did we name the kids?”

 

“Gus, Kai and Anya,” Lexa answers without hesitating.

 

Clarke chuckles softly, “You’ve thought about this a lot haven’t you.”

 

Lexa nods, “It got me through the months waiting for news of you after the mountain. I had already resigned myself to my fate in this life, I assumed you were lost to me forever so I let my imagination live the life I couldn’t give us.”

 

“That’s kind of depressing,” Clarke comments.

 

“It doesn’t matter. I got my second chance and I’m not about to waste it. I’m going to do everything in my power to bring peace to our lands and give you the life you deserve. You deserve so much more than what the ground has given you Clarke.”

 

“The ground gave me you. That is enough,” Clarke says honestly, rolling over more and placing her head on Lexa’s shoulder. She begins to softly trace her forearm through the girl’s coat. She smiles into Lexa’s shoulder, “I wouldn’t complain if I got peace too though.”

 

“Nor would I,” Lexa says thickly, evident emotion present from Clarke’s sentiment. “Peace always comes at a price though.”

 

“Do you think we’ve paid it?”

 

“No,” comes the gravelly answer.

 

“Me neither.”

 

Lexa cups Clarke’s cheek and shifts her body so she can connect their lips. The kiss is tender, a soft brushing of lip on lip. It’s simple and delicate; it tastes of devotion and unspoken promises. It keeps fear at bay and unassuming, burning passion inside them.

 

It escalates from there.

 

When they finally leave the Nightgrove their hair is tousled, their clothes are askew and there are fresh teeth marks and bruises on their bodies.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's gonna go bump in the night soon.


	34. Departure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Deep sigh* Not edited because I literally just finished it.  
> I spent all day yesterday writing the end of this fic and the beginning of the Lexark one because I was losing my mind. I told you I am so much farther ahead in this story I want to be as dead as I am inside.

When Clarke wakes it is before the sun. She is flat on her stomach, head slowly rising and falling as it rests on Lexa's chest, right above her heart. When the second soft knock echoes from the door into the near silent room Clarke can't help but groan softly. She really doesn't want to remove herself from the bed, but she really, _really_ doesn't want to wake Lexa up by shouting into the room.

 

So she weighs her options and chooses to deftly pull her unused pillow from behind her and toss it at the door. She’s pretty strong now after all her training so, though the pillow is heavy with down feathers, it easily makes the distance and lands with a soft thud against the door. Her movements stir a sleepy moan followed by some adorable smacking of lips from Lexa but she settles as soon as Clarke resettles on her chest.

 

Her pillow message indicating she was ‘indeed awake’ and they should ‘kindly fuck off now’ is heard loud and clear as the knocking ceases. Her small content smile presses against smooth marble skin.

 

Clarke just wants a few more minutes encompassed in Lexa’s warm glow keeping them protected. Every time she wakes before Lexa it serves as a reminder of just how much she means to Lexa. It is so bountiful that her subconscious even protects Clarke.

 

The blonde rolls her head slightly so she can properly look at Lexa while she continues sleeping. She listens to the steady thud, thud, thudding, of Lexa’s heart as her eyes follow the soft glow of the candlelight dancing on her face. She mentally traces the peaceful lines of her face with care absorbing every inch straight to her heart.

 

My God, it’s absurd how much she loves her.

 

And Jesus, it’s ludicrous how much Lexa returns her love.

 

Her lionheart breaks its content purr to roar the sentiment again.

 

She imagines it sounds like Lexa’s name.

 

Clarke stifles a yawn as she lifts her left hand to now physically trace the impeccable jaw line with the soft pad of her forefinger. She lets her thumb brush around her chiseled chin and up to lush, velvety lips; She lingers on the bottom ridge and sighs softly as she remembers vividly how they taste and feel against her own.

 

Lexa’s lips gently part as a soft breath escapes her and her arm around Clarke’s back tugs her a little closer. Clarke brushes her lips against the bare skin beneath her once more and she reluctantly begins to pull out of the embrace. Her body is screaming at her, her instincts keep telling her to stay but she can’t. Duty calls.

 

“I hate this part,” Lexa’s soft, sleepy admission lingers right into Clarke’s ears, and the blonde hesitates from lifting herself from the bed.

 

She gives a small smile because Lexa’s eyes still haven’t opened and Clarke lowers herself back to her side. She places one hand on each side of the brunette’s head, right above her shoulders, and brushes their lips together softly.

 

“Yeah, but the ‘welcome home’ sex makes it worth it doesn’t it?” She asks coyly pulling back an inch.

 

Her eyes are still closed but a small smirk grows before it’s a full-blown smile and the vibrant green of her eyes is finally revealed to Clarke.

 

“That’s true,” she bubbles excitedly leaning up to recapture Clarke’s lips with her own. It takes seconds for the kiss to intensify and all of Clarke’s being is fighting with her head.

 

Stay. Stay. Stay.

 

So she stays a little bit longer.

 

She brushes her hands along Lexa’s sides and up to her shoulders. She traces the sharp collar bones and grinds her hips against her. When her hand lays on Lexa’s breast she earns a pleasant whimper and a taught nipple for her efforts. She gently pads it with her palm, a whisper and not nearly as firm as Lexa would like. To echo the sentiment the brunette pulls her hand encouraging her to grip it more firmly.

 

She complies smiling through their kiss and moving to the elongated neck that’s currently pulled Lexa’s head back in pleasure. Clarke hums in her ear before nipping and then sucking at her lobe. “I have to go,” Clarke whispers. Its husky, slightly emotional and she can’t help it.

 

She hates ‘goodbye’ sex. Although, a very large fan of it _during_ the moment, she always hates how she feels _after._

 

It always leaves her feeling slightly dejected after. 

 

 _During_ it’s fucking mind-blowing and fireworks and world turning as their sex always is; but as soon as her orgasm wears off and her post-coital bliss fades her thoughts pound against her as if in punishment. Her fear and concern wash over her and leave her tired, teary eyed and with a lump in her throat. It usually ends with Lexa having to hold her close and whisper sweet everything’s in her ear.

 

But that hasn’t happened for a few weeks. Lexa’s in tune with Clarke, she is incredibly in tune with her emotions and her signals. Without discussing it at all Lexa has been stopping their goodbye’s from getting over sexually charged, she always draws the line now for Clarke, who is unable to once she gets going. Like everything else, in this they balance well.

 

So right on cue, after a few more deep, languid kisses and meaningful touches Lexa pulls back. One kiss lightly pressed, searing into Clarke’s skin of her cheek, loving and innocent; the only subtle gesture a signal Clarke needs to bring her back from her lustful haze. Instead of being bashful or flushing she simply returns the kiss with one of her own, silently thanking Lexa for just being her. For making leaving both unbearable and bearable.

 

“I love you,” she whispers gently.

 

“I am very thankful for that,” Lexa husks back with a genuine smile.

 

“You know usually when people say ‘I love you’ they prefer to hear it back, not ‘thank you’," Clarke deadpans.

 

“If you had let me finish you would have heard it,” Lexa replies quickly with a small smirk and a tilt to her head as she watches the blonde remove herself from their bed.

 

She unabashedly watches the blonde saunter to the bathroom to wash and ready herself for her trip. 

 

"I love you," she says to the view of Clarke pale bum and bare back.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke exits the tower dressed in all black as the sun begins to rise. She wears shorter boots, landing mid calve and her normal black tight pants. She has a set of leather riding chaps over them, a gift from one of the merchants of Polis. Her coat is new, more like a cloak, a bit like the one from the festival but less fancy and no sash, just two toggles that clip just below her should guard leaving it loose on her hips. It drapes over her shoulders, with excess material making her look both smaller and more intimidating all at the same time. The bottom hem brushes gently over her thighs and cuts off before the knee. The excess material and cut of the fabric provides a small hood on her back should she need it.

 

She loves this look. It's breathed fresh air into her the moment she had it designed. She put thought into it a month ago when she had it commissioned, her and the coat maker worked for hours getting it right. It had to be regal enough for her position, light but warm, it has to flow for her to move as ghostly as she feels in it.

 

Within her cloak and on her person are various blades. Her three assassin blades are tucked safely in their positions, one in her boot, two in folds of the cloak. She has Lexa’s dagger on her thigh along with two small throwing stars on her the other. She has a short curved dagger that hugs her through its sheath along her lower back. Lexa’s katanna that she gave her is snug on her hip.

 

She wears no war paint but her hair is split so half of it hangs loose on her shoulder, the other half pulled back from her face and braided finely. As she makes her way to Daedalus to ride she absentmindedly plays with the ornate braid that does fall along her left shoulder, the one that Lexa placed three beautiful blue beads in that ‘make her eyes pop’. She smiles fondly at the memory, the little piece of Lexa in her hair and then at the horse she stops in front of. She runs a strong hand through it’s mane and along it’s neck.

 

“You ready to run buddy,” she softly whispers and earns a soft whinny and nudge from the beast. She giggles as his lips smack as if trying to give her a kiss on her cheek or nibble her nose. “I’m going to push your fatass today,” she warns him, “it’s been awhile since we’ve been out.” And it’s true, she hasn’t been on Daedalus in over a month, she’s been using her flames for travel since she’s been so busy, and she hasn’t had a lot of leisure time to hunt or simply ride. He's been worked of course, but not by her. They have a connection and she feels she has failed to nurture it lately.

 

She hikes her foot into the saddle and pulls herself up easily, much more easily than she ever had before. Her training has caused her body to change, she’s much stronger than she used to be, lighter on her feet and her body a little firmer. She adjusts herself in the saddle comfortably and realizes that their party is following suit hoisting themselves on their mounts now. She waits patiently as the party moves around her a Daedalus to form the ranks.

 

Octavia and Aden flank her on either side. Behind them six warriors follow, ahead of Clarke there are four (Ryder stayed with Lexa per Clarke's request to both of them) and every party member have their eyes on her. She knows what they are waiting for, they move on her order, but she takes this moment to look around. She never got to see Kai before she came out of the tower and a part of her thought Kai would come to see them off.

 

She mentally shakes her head but physically sighs, Kai is angry. It’s a child’s anger, it’s petulant, but it still hurts. It hurts because Clarke knows it’s not really anger, it is disappointment mixed with the orphan’s strong issues with abandonment. The kid hates to see Clarke leave her. Not to mention, Kai hasn’t been her usual self since the night of the festival. It was hard to see at first with all the chaos in the days that followed but now that they’ve had time to breathe it’s clear.

 

Sure, she’s put on a brave face and tried to act normally but it hasn’t been missed. She threw herself into her training, much like Clarke had, but she is much quieter, more reserved and withdrawn than Clarke had ever known her to be. She’s seven, she may be able to kill a hundred different ways, but deep down she’s still only seven. She’s had nightmares, unsurprisingly, Zora, Raven and Octavia all told her so after they had their own conversations with her.

 

She and Lexa even had a very tired, very worked up Kai arrive at their door in the very dead of night on several occasions. The girl only calming once she was settled in between the two leaders or snuggled on to one of their chests listening to their heart. They allowed it; they said nothing but supportive words and acceptance. She’s only seven.

 

She cares. She loves. She’s unafraid to do so and it is that fact which causes Clarke to see Kai’s future a little more clearly. Maybe growing up to be to Heda, maybe growing up to be flamekeeper like Clarke will become. But mostly, she sees Kai _growing up._ That is their priority.

Sometimes, she wonders if they were connected in a past life at all. She feels it inside the both of them, when they watch over her small sleeping frame on those nights she crawls into their bed, the love they have for her is strong. Natural. Instinct.

 

It doesn’t need to be spoken out loud for anyone to see the small family they’ve created on their own in the last few months. How the girl, though unrelated except by unique blood shares so many characteristics from each of them. How she is often with them, even spending time with her of Lexa in their room on break from her lessons. How each of them seek each other out.

 

No no one needs to voice it, or file some sort of decree or paperwork, or announce it in a ceremony. It is simply a given. Common knowledge and accepted by those who care to acknowledge it as a sign of strength, compassion and love. 

 

Kai is an orphan no longer. Kai is theirs.

 

She’s special.

 

Kai’s been glued to her, Raven, Octavia or Lexa for weeks. Her eyes are always on them, her face appearing happy, but her eyes saying ‘don’t leave me’ and ‘I’m scared.’ Clarke understands and she doesn’t push. All she can do is be there for Kai as much as she possibly can. For her to come out of this funk it will take equal efforts on behalf of the people that love her _and_ the child herself.

 

Kai will come around. She’s strong and she’ll come out of all this on the other side, better for it. It will change her, it already has, but it is up to her to decide if it will be for the better or worse.

 

This morning before she left the dining hall she had tasked Lexa and Raven with the job of paying special attention to her, not that she needed to, but she did anyways; she asked them to get that kid smiling for real again. It made her feel better, less guilty for once again leaving her behind. Her only rule was 'no letting Kai drive the death machine if you get it running before I'm back'.

 

She would bring Kai with her in a heartbeat if she weren’t so concerned with further interfering with Titus’s classes. He already tried to talk Lexa out of letting Aden come with her claiming she was ‘meddling with what she does no know’, ‘disrupting his lessons’, ‘being a distraction’, that sort of thing; She knew his response to wanting to bring Kai would be negative to say the least.

 

Kai had a duty to keep learning and growing in Polis so a part of her did agree with how Titus would view such an action, just because she despises the man doesn’t mean she can’t agree on some things. (Rarely but still.) That didn’t stop her from promising to show the girl Arkadia one night over dinner, maybe someday when she finally does have time to breathe and take Titus’s position she can follow through on that promise.

 

So Clarke takes one last look at the tower entrance and sighs when she doesn’t see the tiny brunette anywhere. Clarke looks instead up to the top where she knows Lexa is watching her every move, where she’ll continue to watch until Clarke is out of sight.

 

“Luna?” Octavia’s voice breaks Clarke’s thoughts.

 

The blonde brings her eyes back to the ground to find the lengthy woman pulling her own white horse behind her before mounting.

 

“You’re coming with us?” Clarke asks.

 

“If you allow it Wanheda,” Luna bows her head slightly, her formality for the guards more so than anything. Clarke and she are close now, they’ve spent a lot of time together. They’re friends.

 

“Of course, Luna. We’d be happy to welcome you to Arkadia,” Clarke responds with a gracious smile and a wink.

 

“Sef ou.” _Move out,_ Clarke commands instantly changing her voice to a more commanding one. She sends her eyes back on the tower where she can see the very tiny outline of Lexa on the balcony. As the party begins their journey.  “Mila op. Blika au.” _Heads high. Eyes sharp._

 

* * *

 

Lexa watches Clarke’s party leave the city as a tightly formed group at the blonde’s command. She appears more and more natural in her leadership position day by day; she has even picked up on some of Heda’s mannerisms that always make them seem more commanding. It used to be for show from Clarke, a way to hide insecurities and doubt, but now she does it like she owns it. She does it like she’s been doing it her entire life, like she was born for this.

 

Let’s face it, _she was_.

 

She is _very_ impressed with Clarke’s progress in the last two months. The girl’s physical abilities have heightened tenfold, in part from the cell enhancements from the blackblood, but mostly from her own hardwork and effort. She now physically looks like a grounder born and raised to be a warrior. She has toned, larger muscles, more endurance and speed. Clarke is now able to lift Lexa as easily as the brunette could always lift her. She can easily throw a man off of her body from the flat of her back. She could kill with a simple bar of soap she even promised Lexa one night while discussing it at dinner.

 

Their sparring matches were more even, with Lexa and Clarke both having their fair share of ties. However, Clarke still loses more often than they tie and has yet to beat the brunette. But she seems happy about that fact, like losing means she knows Lexa can keep herself safe.

 

She had total control of her abilities and energy now, which pleased Lexa and allowed her to rest a little easier knowing without a doubt that Clarke could handle herself should anything happen. Clarke won’t get captured again, she won’t get caught without an advantage or be unprepared any longer. Clarke is more than deadly now. _She’s smart, able and lethal…_

 

Honestly, Lexa pities the next person or beast to purposefully pick a fight with her or threaten her in anyway.

 

Luna and Ziva’s reports on Clarke's training only bolstered that. She thanked them profusely and even sent a new foal and farming equipment to Zora and her clan; Luna’s gift was a barrel of fine aged wine and a sky person’s handgun because ‘she was curious’. Raven helped show her how to use it after verbally slapping Lexa with reasons why she should have taught her how to handle it _first._

Lexa forgot she was only one of a few grounders that knew how to work a gun. Clarke had taught her before the battle of Arkadia and though she has yet to use one it battle she knows how to load, fire and set the safety. She still hates them so she verbally slapped Raven right back telling her she never loaded it _or_ gave her bullets. She’s Heda not a moron.

 

When Clarke’s convoy vanishes from view Lexa leaves her perch on the balcony and exits the throne room.

 

She finds herself in the mechanic workshop she had set aside for Raven.

 

“Hello,” Raven greets her with a screwdriver hanging out of her mouth making it sound more like ‘hah-woah’.

 

“Bro,” Lexa greets her adding a smirk when Raven looks genuinely surprised by it. “What did I tell you about speaking with your mouthful,” Lexa teases as she pulls the screwdriver from Raven's mouth and sets it on the desk. “What are we working on today little bird?”

 

“Solar panels,” Raven grunts as she fiddles with a wire. “I’m getting that fucking Rover charged today if it’s the last thing I do.”

 

“I still don’t understand how you’re to harness the suns energy and make an automobile drive,” Lexa says looking at the flat panel and wires Raven is connecting to a larger control panel with a digital screen.

 

“Automobile? Who says ‘automobile’?" Raven quirks her brow and receives only a shrug from Lexa. "That Rover is my very own beast, horsepower in the form of an engine!” Raven explains. “I told you, this thing here absorbs the light and 'poof' magic turns it into a roaring engine,” Raven explains not helping in the least.

 

“Magic eh?” Lexa scoffs, brows raised in a challenge.

 

“You’re telling me you and Clarke can teleport, she can shoot flames from her fucking vagina if she wanted to, you’re practically bulletproof and _still_ you doubt magic exists?” She cocks her eyebrow and tilts her head, a challenge of her own.

 

“It can exist sure, but that- _she points to the objects-_ is not magic, that is machinery, mechanics.”

 

“Well it’s magic to me,” Raven mumbles in complaint sounding slightly hurt.

 

“Did I offend you? I apologize Raven.” Lexa fidgets awkwardly at the tone.

 

Raven laughs because Raven is a fucking dick and played her like a fiddle. “You should see your face,” she cackles, “you looked like a kicked puppy.”

 

“You’re an asshole.” Lexa says, mentally high-fiving herself for not getting it wrong again and calling her an 'ass's hole' instead. (She's still trying to bury that one and forget about it.)

 

“True. True.” Raven says simply and goes back to focusing on the panel.

 

“Puppy’s are adorable, why would you kick a puppy,” Lexa furrows her brow and spins the screwdriver around on the table.

 

“You wouldn’t unless you’re someone like Titus,” Raven quips with a side-eye.

 

Lexa smirks but is too dignified to laugh at the jab to her advisor. “You’re probably right,” she can’t help but admit though. She mentally shrugs, no harm, no fowl.

 

“Screwdriver,” Raven requests holding her free hand out.

 

Lexa promptly hands it to her like a surgeon's assistant. She stays quiet as she loses herself in Raven’s work. It’s sort of mesmerizing, delicate, her very own form of art.

 

“You’re an artist,” Lexa comments eventually.

 

Raven’s brown eyes meet her green, her smile is soft, genuine, “Thanks. No one’s ever said that about me before.”

 

Lexa shrugs, “Well, from what I’m seeing this is no different than Clarke creating beauty on a page. Your work is detailed and requires a lot of focus and care. It's beautiful in it's own way. You created this, all of this,” she adds looking around at the equipment Raven has been working on, “from scratch. From broken pieces and odds and ends.”

 

“Yeah well, these pieces are broken not useless.” Raven says and it’s a loaded response, one that Lexa easily sees the truth behind.

 

“You’re not broken or useless,” she tells her honestly. Her voice is as soft as it is sincere.

 

Raven keeps her eyes low for a moment before blinking and biting her lip, when she looks up Lexa can see a slight sheen of tears in her eyes but Raven doesn’t speak. She just keeps chewing her lip.

 

Lexa smirks at her obvious discomfort, “You’re struggling whether to be genuinely grateful or to reply with a comment that will make me call you an asshole again aren’t you?”

 

Raven nods and the grin grows, the mischief comes back to her teary eyes, but Lexa cuts her off. “Go with the gratitude Raven, try something new.”

 

“Bitch,” she scoffs before grinning and setting down the screwdriver. She places her now free hand over Lexa’s and looks deep into her eyes, “Thank you.”

 

It’s simple and sweet and poignant. And then she ruins it, “Now quit distracting me.”

 

Raven is such an asshole.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck You Jason.
> 
> I just-
> 
> *heavy sigh*
> 
> But friendly reminder Clarke's a lionheart in this and canon and that makes me happy.


	35. The Bet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is filler but also necessary to set the time, atmosphere and build up for future things as well as the next chapter that comes featuring this rag tag band of buttheads

Four days had passed since Clarke left Polis and arrived in Arkadia. They arrived on the second day as planned; the trip was smooth and quick, even if it did lightly rain the day they got here. 

 

 

The weather today was damp again, there’s a threat of showers in the grey-clouded sky by mid-morning. The ground is wet and spongy, unable to properly dry out yet from the snowmelt and the rains. The temperature was cool but not unbearably so. You could smell and feel the moisture in the air. You could feel a fine mist on your face but you could not see the fog.

 

 

Clarke wears her new black cloak and all her blades, her pants are a dark blue today and she left her leather chaps off. Her hair is matted from the moisture and her braided hair is pulled back in a ponytail keeping it off her neck.

 

 

Aden, Clarke, and Octavia are outside the walls of Arkadia, just as they spent most of the day before. Luna remains inside the Ark overloading Kane and Abby with questions about the structure and their technology.

 

 

Yesterday, they spent the day going over the plans for those left from farm station to begin preparing their first real crops on the plots they set aside. Clarke helped them choose a location both rich with fertile soil and relatively safe and easily protected for their people to tend to. They had already proposed some plans and ideas to help those clans in the coalition with their own crops. Not because they were better at growing food, not even close, but because they could help with irrigation systems, soil samples to pinpoint ideal locations and small adjustments that could yield better harvests.

 

It was Aden’s first taste of seeing Clarke lead so diplomatically and alone. He watched her bridge the gap, ease tensions when the grounders took offense at the offer to ‘better’ their system and explain they mean no harm. It was obvious that this was _not_ Clarke’s first rodeo in both easing the tensions between their people and apologizing for brash tact on the part of SkaiKru. Aden was learning a lot.

 

 

This is what it was meant to be like, their people working as one. Clarke was happy to see this sort of camaraderie outside of battle and war. It made Clarke proud. Honestly, it made her feel better about the deaths she caused in a twisted way. It eases some of the anxiety and guilt she carries from the ghosts in her heart because she can see clearly the lives she’s saved and their futures they could have.

 

 

She helped get them here, she was the reason they had a chance to even think about growing food. This simple act of waiting for crops to grow, the time it would take for the food to ripen or be ready for harvest, proves they have hope they’ll survive. Not hope and survival in that they need the food to live, but hope and survival in that they have faith that they will see those crops grow and flourish; that they will _live_.

 

 

And _that_ is powerful to Clarke.

 

 

Today, they’re spending the afternoon in the training ground within the trees beside Arkadia. The area beyond, where Lexa’s tent remains and Clarke sleeps in, is filled with tents and the construction of some more permanent small dwellings made of stone, wood and earth. Both SkaiKru and TriKru trading tips and teaching each other how they would build; the result being dwellings built by the adaptation of both cultures and skills. Like it is meant to be.

 

 

They are making homes. They're planning for the future amidst a civil war that could easily not end in their favour. Lexa’s voice,  _'You should come with me to the capitol,'_ echoes somewhere in her head. Back then, in front of Mount Weather’s door, she was afraid and solely focused on getting her people out of their captors hands; she didn’t expect to live through that war, she didn’t expect to see a tomorrow, she didn’t expect a lot of things to happen that night.

 

But she also didn’t _want_ to think about the future then, she didn’t think she deserved it at that particular moment.

 

 

But now, Clarke can't blame them, she has no ill feelings towards their hope (or towards her own); if they weren't hoping to live for the future then why the fuck were they doing all this for anyways?

 

 

"Aden you better step up son," Octavia warns the boy as she circles him. They’ve been sparing with fists for about ten minutes already and all it has been is very tedious smack talk and less fists.

 

 

“If I stepped any higher you wouldn’t be able to reach me,” Aden replies as he fluidly holds his body slightly crouched ready for any attack, hands at the ready.

 

 

“Height jokes? Really?” Octavia gestures with her hands before readying herself once more, mimicking his stance and lithe flow.

 

 

“Will you two knock it off and start training already?” Clarke chides them sounding eerily like her mother and causing her to frown for a second.

 

 

“I dunno Clarke, he looks like he’s afraid of little ole me.”

 

 

“Afraid to hurt you maybe,” Aden smirks and takes a taunting step forward. “Care to make it interesting?”

 

 

Octavia smirks, “Another bet? Aren’t you a little chaffed from the last one you lost?”

 

 

Clarke rolls her eyes because this is their favourite thing to do together. This is their way of bonding. Octavia is used to the sibling relationship and has found a kindred spirit in Aden spurring such a relationship.

 

 

“I win and you have to do my stable chores for a week when we return to the capitol,” Aden suggests again moving his feet and not striking.

 

 

Clarke is getting bored. So she continues to listen but now focuses on fastening the arrowheads to the new shafts sitting beside her while keeping an eye on the two knuckleheads.

 

 

“Oh you’re on, but if I win you have to do that thing we talked about before we left!” Octavia smirks and lowers herself even more. Clarke knows that sign, she’s about to pounce soon.

 

 

Aden grins rather cockily, “I feel like I win either way.”

 

 

There’s a slight frown on Octavia’s face before her jaw drops open slightly. Then it snaps shut tight. “Damn it,” she hisses at herself.

 

 

Now Clarke is a little curious as to what Octavia was referring to but before she can ask Octavia has launched herself in the air towards Aden.

 

 

“You’re about to catch these paws son,” Octavia goads as she attacks.

 

 

The boy who was laughing at her initial reaction, is caught off guard and falls backwards into the mud but recovers to use the girl’s own momentum to plant a foot on her chest, grab her by the shoulders and throw Octavia off him over his head.

 

 

With that, he’s spinning, getting up and heading towards her. She rolls into the muddy earth and grips a handful before promptly chucking it at Aden as she too gets up. The boy stumbles backwards as the muck splatters on his face, and in attempt to wipe his face Octavia has already closed the distance and gave two quick jabs to his face. He counters the third swing with a high block with his left and swinging his right into Octavia’s gut. The girl doubles over as he backhands her right cheek with the other hand.

 

 

Octavia recovers quickly and spins to her left blocking Aden’s next strike with her arm out straight and low. She takes a jab at his chest but he blocks it causing her to strike again but finds her move blocked there too. He is lightning quick in close combat; she always struggles to win against him but she has done it before.

 

 

Plus, now she has new moves she has learned from Clarke.

 

 

She counters his next two strikes with her hands before she feigns a kick low, spins and connects her other foot high across his head. Aden stumbles to his left, dazed but not done. He see’s Octavia coming again and he swings, she ducks the blow and shoulders his chest pushing him back and creating distance.

 

She doesn’t give him time to react as she uses the ground to her advantage and slides to the ground through his legs, as she comes through she hooks her right underarm around his ankle to slow her movements. She pinches it tight between her body and her arm as her hand wraps up to the back of his knee and she drives her thumb into the soft flesh, she easily finds the pressure point Clarke showed her and Aden’s leg buckles.

 

 

Octavia smirks and is instantly swinging her tiny body around and gripping him in a sleeper hold around his neck with his dominant arm held high as she squeezes. Clarke is laughing softly as Octavia looks like a tiny parasite clinging to the boy who can’t shake her grip, she’s too small, there is nothing for him to grab. He tries to elbow her by jutting his elbow backwards but she saw it coming, she takes this chance to drive her knee into his back forcing him harder into her grip and arching his back in a way it was not intended to keep bending.

 

 

“Surrender,” Octavia sneers in his ear as she pushes harder and he grimaces.

 

 

Clarke’s impressed that he hasn’t passed out yet from her hold, the first time Ziva did it to her she was out before she realized what happened.

 

 

“I yield! I yield,” Aden gasps out finally tapping on her arm. She lets him go with a push and a pat to his head.

 

 

“Victory! Victory!” Octavia shouts dramatically loud with both fists in the air in triumph.

 

 

“You cheated,” Aden groaned wiping himself off with a smirk. “I haven’t advanced to that type of training yet.”

 

 

Octavia furrows her brow and looks from Clarke to Aden, “What do you mean?”

 

 

Clarke chuckles, “The style of move you just used, Ziva called it a form of Jiu Jitsu; it is typically reserved for the elite and assassins. Aden won’t learn it until he turns sixteen.”

 

 

Octavia’s face breaks into a knowing smirk, “Well that makes my bet _way_ more interesting! That means Zora is learning,” she cocks an eyebrow at Aden, “ _and_ she’s learning from her sister who we all know is definitely deadly and slightly unhinged.” She grins wider, “You’re screwed.”

 

 

“Hod op,” _wait,_ Clarke says, “What exactly does him losing the bet have to do with Zora and her training?”

 

 

Octavia cackles, “Do you want to tell her or shall I?”

 

 

Aden blushes even through the remaining smear of mud on his face, “You are the embodiment of a pest Octavia Kom TriKru.”

 

 

Another cackle and a an expectant eye brow raise from Clarke.

 

 

“He has a little crush Clarke,” Octavia teases. “Now he’s gotta follow through! No excuses now!”

 

 

“Aden, what is she talking about.”

 

 

Aden ducks his head and, if possible, grows redder under her scrutiny. “I have to kiss her.”

 

 

Clarke’s mouth drops, “I – _well_ ,” she’s slightly speechless. She feels a little out of her element on this. She pauses and says the first thing that comes to her mind, “for the love of the ground, don’t force it – Octavia’s right she could kill you.”

 

 

Aden’s eyebrows raise, “Gee, thanks Clarke.”

 

 

The older women laugh at his discomfort. Clarke feels an air of ease wash over her, how utterly _normal_ of a thing for Aden to be worried about, to _want_ to do, to _have_ a crush. To be _nervous_ about someone for many reasons beyond that she could kill him, for reasons even scarier: _Attraction_.

 

 

She smirks as she thinks about Lexa.

 

 

Hormones are no match for Heda’s.

 

 

How _human_ of them.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is stupid good which is saying something because I am like the most self deprecating person ever.


	36. Smolheda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I told ShaiKru this would be roughly a 100k word fic. My land, how wrong I was. Like Im not even close to being done as long as I don't rush it.
> 
> I don't know how this ran away on me but I am so glad it ran and I followed.  
> RIP me. RIP you.

 

It's mid morning and slightly cool today. The sun keeps playing behind clouds that threaten rain over polis.

 

"Are you hungry?" Lexa asks Kai.

 

"No," Kai says quietly with a small shake of her head.

 

"Are you tired?"

 

"No," Kai says as she kicks a stone along their path.

 

"Okay." Lexa sighs and her face falls slightly as they continue to walk side by side through the city. That cycle of questioning is familiar and a bit repetitive with them the last few days.

 

She feels like a bit of a failure at the moment. Clarke asked her to look out for Kai and try to get her real smile back, the one that touched her eyes and their hearts. 

 

She really wishes Clarke had of given her some jumping off points or a good idea of where to start. She really just feels like she is out of her element; She doesn't think of herself as the natural mothering type (no matter what Clarke says.) 

 

She has been trying for days to get Kai back to her old self, months if she really thinks about. There was always an unconscious effort on Lexas part; call it concern or sympathy she doesn't care - she calls it love. She cares for the girl both for herself and also because she means so much to Clarke; it's killing them both to see Kai like this.

 

Kai's been withdrawn for a while, unlike her usual self; but it is always worse when Clarke is absent. The blonde is a natural with all of the kids but it's different with Kai; she bonded emotionally with her first and emotional tethers are what forges a lot of Clarke's close relationships.

 

The relationship with Kai is unlike the rest of the group; it is something born from grief. Something changed that day they were huddled in the warmth of Clarke's coat in the frozen woods while they mourned. Something blossomed while they slept in each other's comfort that night. Something that Ontaris warning confirmed when she inadvertently revealed Clarke's continued presence in Kai's life.

 

Clarke and lexa both have connected with her on different levels than the other noviciates. It's only natural but They've shared things together that can't be defined as anything simple. when you build a connection to each other through love and grief, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, to show pain and seek comfort from those who share it too, it just changes the dynamic.

 

It makes it special.

 

So yes, there are favourites in a way, the ones that make their way deep into your soul and touch your hearts, but there is  _no favouritism._  Each child would be provided with what they seek, they need only be brave enough to look.

 

And  _that_  is where they differ.

 

They spend time with each student but each interaction varies. They learn quickly through observation during lessons and training who they are as people and a preview of who they will become.

 

Some are quiet, soft and inherently subordinate or subservient. Some are cocky, arrogant and too harsh. These, she knows already, will not make good commanders. Too soft and you'll be overthrown and dead in a week, too strict and your people revolt and you'll still die. History repeats itself and she has seen it before, but she is the first heda of her kind and has hopes to not be the last. Simply because of the select few she sees a bit of herself in.

 

Those that are more balanced, like Kai, Aden and zora. These are the most susceptible to and accepting of love despite Titus teachings in her class of noviciates. 

 

The balanced ones will make good leaders because they are neither too soft nor too harsh; they are at equilibrium, able to inflict  _and_  accept pain. They see love as power as well as weakness; they're able to love despite the fear in their heart. They're brave because they know there are things more terrifying than death - _like love_ \- and still they open their hearts.

 

Love can equal loss and that is all it equals sometimes. The fear of loss can be crippling, debilitating to love, but the true power comes from using that fear of loss to drive you to love harder, to keep fighting. Love can be a weapon depending where you sit.

 

Love is motivation.

 

Fear of love and loss can leave you lost. It can leave you without purpose. 

 

The wise know that _Love is purpose_.

 

The others are a little more guarded, a little less convinced of how it can be strength; it is obvious in their actions. They don't seek out or display comfort like the others and none of them as much as Kai. 

 

But she was like that long before losing Maks or experience true loss or grief. She had always been compassionate, smart and kind. What lexa once considered as a slightly oversensitive child, she now sees that what's she perceived as 'oversensitivity' as empathy. It’s a unique trait to find in the Warriors of grounder culture, even more unique to those of nightblood if the history of their kind is any proof.

 

It's actually a trait that, once Clarke had forced Lexa to look at who she was in the mirror, she came to a conclusion about: The only nightbloods she knows to have such a capacity for empathy other than herself are Kai, Aden and Zora. The only others she could think of are Alex, Becca (both long dead,) two of her own fellow novitiates (also dead) and Clarke (crawled back from death, commands it.)

 

Perhaps these few are a symbol to a new age, a new legacy of natblida...

 

It is along this train of thought that has Lexa frowning subtly as they walk. 

 

_An empathetic natblida is a rarity._

 

She glances at Kai and thinks about her and all of the others. 

 

 _They're all a rarity_. They're all different. They're all destined for different paths but have the same seat in mind.

 

She begins letting her mind wander a little further as she thinks about most natblidas not reaching the age of 18. She shivers as she recalls her own conclave and swallows the bile that always manages to creep up on her when she does so. She unconsciously flexes her hands it's as though she can still feel her brothers and sisters black blood on her hands. She swallows once more.

 

She clears her throat and slightly grimaces. Kai eyes her carefully from her side but says nothing as they continue their walk. Normally, Kai would be bubbly and full of questions, her curiosity would get the best of her, but she's not; you can see and hear the ghosts haunting her more often than not lately. Perhaps on her glance she saw and heard Lexa’s.

 

_It hurts._

 

It hurts Lexa to feel like she doesn't know how to help. Sometimes, she feels like she might have helped only to find Kai back in the funk later. Clarke says it's going to happen soon, Lexa says it takes as long as it takes.

 

Neither will stop trying.

 

She tried extra private training sessions in the night grove, assisting in meditation, time walking through the city and interacting with their people, she braided her hair; she even let Kai sneak into her bed with her the first night Clarke was away. She welcomed it gladly; it was like a touch of Clarke was with her, she’s sure Clarke felt her love that night in constant waves.

 

It's rare for Kai to sleep with Lexa if Clarke is absent, except for a few naps here and there (a new development she quite enjoys, naps are their thing); she chalks this up to her being heda and Kai being apprehensive about overstepping even though Lexa has expressed her assurance that it's acceptable and welcomed.

 

She has been considering showing Kai a little more about herself, a way to let the girl know it's okay to connect with both Lexa and heda more freely. A way to let Kai know that deep down Lexa is always there. And it would all start with a little leather bound book, her personal journal, something that no one, not even Clarke, has ever read through cover to cover.

 

Being a quick learner and typically good at everything she finds herself getting a little disappointed in herself because, so far, nothing else was working. Allowing Kai to read her journal could be damaging if the information was revealed but she's thinking the risk would be worth the reward if it helped Kai come back to them. There's no denying it now, She cares for the girl deeply, she loves her like her own, and if she's truly honest with herself -- the risk of being vulnerable is worth it for her  _family_. She trusts Kai.

 

"Could we visit little bird?" Kai's voice breaks her thoughts.

 

Lexa tilts her head, "if that is what you want little one." She gives her a reassuring smile and gently pats her hand over Kai's hair.

 

"Maybe she's got the rover ready _finally_ ," Kai says pulling Lexa off in a different direction by her hand.

 

She doesn't let go.

 

Lexa smiles inwardly at the show of enthusiasm. She should have suggested that an hour ago before they left on their walk. Raven loves Kai, has already designated herself as 'auntie Rae', and Lexa has been conspiring with her for days on how to get Kai to loosen up. Unfortunately, most plans involved the Rover, which still sat motionless.

 

"I hope she's in a better mood today," Lexa says. "She was still pretty upset about not getting the rover to start the other day."

 

"Ravens a genius! She's allowed to be grumpy," Kai explains waving her free hand, "she says it's because she has to put up with average minds too often."

 

Lexa cocks an eyebrow and chuckles a little, "little bird thinks very highly of herself doesn't she."

 

"I do too, so I don't blame her," Kai hums.

 

Lexa nudges her and gives a little squeeze of her hand. "Same here, but we ought to keep that between us, if her head gets any bigger it may be the next thing that goes 'boom'."

 

Kai looks at her curiously pouting, "Do you think that's possible?"

 

"She has a proclivity for boom, I wouldn't put it past her."

 

A firm nod from Kai tells her she agrees.

 

* * *

 

When they arrive to the workshop they are greeted by the sound of a slurry of curse words both familiar and foreign to Kai and Lexa.

 

They continue even as the door opens.

 

"I swear if you fry this wire too I'm sending you to the bottom of the lake you stupid piece of shit! - _Crackle-pop-smoking parts_ \- Ah damnit! You ballsy son of a-"

 

"Raven!"

 

The mechanic looks up at who cut her off, "not exactly what I was going to say commander hot pants but close enough."

 

"Funny," Kai says. "You were going to say bitch but heda said your name instead - that's funny."

 

Raven gives the girl a small smile, there’s sadness in it and she catches Lexa’s eyes before she speaks, "you know  _laughing_  could have told us it was funny too. Usually when something’s funny you laugh, you don't explain why you  _should_  be laughing _Smolheda_." _Tiny Commander_. (Yes, Raven made up a trig word.)

 

Kai shrugs and moves around the table, her eyes stay low, "heda’s rarely laugh."

 

It catches both adults off guard. 

 

"That's not true," Lexa says.

 

"I've seen proof of quite the opposite," Raven agrees.

 

Again Kai shrugs and looks at Lexa while she fiddles with one of Ravens tools, "I only see you laugh with Clarke or Raven or Octavia."

 

"Well maybe that's because we are the only ones with a good sense of humour," raven tries to help.

 

Lexa waves her hand dismissively, there is no need for Raven to try and protect or explain away why that is. Lexa can be honest with Kai, it's all part of revealing more of herself after all. 

 

"I laugh out loud and freely with them and you because they are family, they know me as Lexa and call me such in private. Being heda does draw some lines around you Kai, lines Titus tells you to never cross, but to me - it is just as important to find those in your life that  _you_   _allow_  across those lines. Those you trust with your life _as well_ as your heart." 

 

She comes closer to the girl and puts a hand on her shoulder, "Just because who you typically see in public is different than the Lexa you know behind closed doors doesn't cancel out or erase the other part of me; they're both there at all times, it important to balance yourself or you will lose the part of you that the commander’s spirit chose in the first place. The spirit chooses the humanity in us not the monster and the monster protects the humanity."

 

"You're not a monster heda," Kai says in a tone of understanding and of course,  _empathy_. Lexa looks in to the mosaic of ice in her eyes, "monsters don't cry or laugh and I've seen you do both."

 

Lexa gives her a warm smile, "one day you'll understand what I mean a little better."

 

"No head," Kai shakes her head and lowers her gaze a moment, "I get what you are saying; I just am telling you I think you're wrong, or that I see it differently. I don't see heda as a monster. You are heda and you are Lexa, they are the same, one simply wears a mask."

 

"Lexa or heda?" Raven quips.

 

"Depends on who is around, depends on the situation," Kai answers thoughtfully. "It's balanced, you wouldn't see it if you weren't looking. It’s in her eyes."

 

"Damn Lex, she's got you pegged," raven laughs loudly.

 

Lexa smiles, yes she does have her pegged. Kai sees her just as well as Clarke it seems. They both see her better than she sees herself sometimes.

 

"Do you know why I choose to regard that side of myself as a monster?" Lexa takes the opportunity to not only teach but also reveal more about herself. She wants no barriers between her and this girl.

 

Kai is quiet in thought for a moment as she ponders her question. Lexa waits because she knows how Kai is, she will offer an answer to learn versus being told. she won't shy away.

 

Her brow furrows before she answers, "So you're not afraid."

 

Lexa nods, "you cannot be afraid of the things that go bump in the night if you become one." 

 

She pauses thinking about how smart and mature Kai can be and decides to continue with more truth, "but it also makes what we have to do as leaders more bearable." 

 

Another furrowed brow and crease between Kai's eyes as she thinks. "You mean like killing and sacrifice?" 

 

"Yes, it's a lesson both Clarke and I -even raven-“ she gestures, “have learned through painful ordeals: the things we do to survive do not define us. The monsters are just a part of who we are and if you forget either side as a leader you will be lost and unable to lead anyone."

 

"You think Clarke has a monster inside?"

 

Raven stops her work and catches Lexas eyes. It's silent for a moment.

 

"Clarke has a lion inside her. Wanheda is her monster, her mask" Lexa states. "It's a monster she unintentionally created but one that has helped keep those she cares for alive."

 

"Did I become a monster?" Kai's voice permeates the room even as a whisper.

 

There it is.

 

There's the disconnect that occurred within Kai. Killing the man created a monster she doesn't understand. 

 

This is why she is lost to herself, it's not grief - she knows how to mourn now- this is different, this is darkness that creeps into your heart when you snuff out a life.

 

When a monster is born.

 

Lexa swallows and eyes the girl carefully, instead of answering she asks, "What makes you ask that?"

 

"Regret."

 

"You regret killing that man in the woods?" 

 

Kai shakes her head once. "No, it is the _lack_ _of regret_ I feel. The knowledge that I would make the same choice over and over again."

 

Lexa nods, their monsters have much in common.

 

Raven clears her throat as her emotions catch her off guard and Lexa swallows again. And once more as she contemplates the deep answer for good measure. She thinks about her not regretting the deal at mount weather, she thinks about the very first life she took without regret - for _justice._

 

She thinks about how Clarke would handle this before she realizes she doesn't need to - she has been there herself many times; she remembers having the same issue many years ago and that is how she can help. _Experience._

 

She softens her jaw and speaks, "When you take a life from those who deserve it and feel no regret you should not fear that; the true fear should come when you feel no regret when you take a life from those who don't deserve it. The monster protects but Kai must hold the leash." She pokes her finger to Kai’s chest right above her heart for emphasis.

 

Kai's ice blue orbs catch emerald greens, locked as understanding is found in the gaze. 

 

"Come here little one," Lexa says softly opening her arms in gesture and slightly bending.

 

Kai does not hesitate; she rushes forward and latches on to Lexa’s shoulders as the commander pulls her up into a tight bear hug.

 

"Remember, without the dark we would never see the light," she whispers reassuringly as Kai's forehead nuzzles into her neck.

 

She squeezes tight, one arm supporting her weight and the other softly stroking her hair as Kai's legs wrap around her hips. She swears she heard a small whisper of ' _Noumon_ ' but she can't be sure if she actually heard it or simply _wanted_ to. 

 

(It was both.)

 

Regardless, the words that leave her mouth in her own breathy emotional whisper are not a mistake; they're truth, they're a promise.

 

"Ai yongon, ai hod yu in." 

 

 _My child, I love you_.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LEXA let me live! Damn.
> 
>  
> 
> Also, I decided 'smol' means tiny in trig so bite me. (I also credited it to Raven so bite me harder.)
> 
> *rapid blinking*


	37. She's alive!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was done on my phone so maybe I'll edit it tomorrow (probably not)
> 
> There's also a lot happening here and yet not enough...

Later that afternoon, Lexa is with the other natblidas for their afternoon sessions. They've been working hard and are currently focusing on fitness and cardio under her observation.

 

 

Titus is hovering but she has no eyes or ears for him today; he has been extra clingy and insistent at whispering in her ear whenever Clarke is absent. His advisements, to no ones surprise, are mostly against whatever he sees and considers a result of Clarke's influence.

 

 

His major issue the last four days has been the changes he sees in Kai, he blames her confusion on Clarke's influence; he fails to recognize the inner turmoil that existed writhing Kai since the festival that comes not from Clarke's influence but from their culture itself. He fails to see her struggling with the monster's leash.

 

 

No, Clarke hasn't changed Kai much at all - Clarke has simply nurtured what was already there.

 

 

Clarke did change Lexa though; if the blonde had not reintroduced Lexa to who she used to be before she lost Costia, she thinks she may have missed the struggle Kai was having as well.

 

 

She can feel his agitation growing with her each day. She doesn't miss the small glint of menace in his eye each time she goes against his advisements. It's not a particularly new event but it is getting to be more and more common as the months pass. She keeps her eyes on him both figuratively and literally more for Clarke's safety than any other concern; aside from his heated words of advice he has done nothing suspicious.

  

 

She has Kai numbering off the students reps while Lexa counts off their rotations with a sand timer. Every five minutes she has them switching tasks between five workouts.

 

 

When they are finished and ready for their afternoon break before dinner she is almost ready to let them depart with a final note: look after each other.

 

 

She knows few will understand to what depth she means but she knows she should not need to go further into an explanation than that; those truly wise will see her meaning.

 

 

It may seem harsh but lexa is a firm believer that their true character and personality is always revealed on day one of their arrival. She always has an initial opinion within the first minute, she has a solid view by the end of the first hour.

 

 

Growing up as a natblida and becoming Heda has given her a special vantage point to see how a decision can, in fact, be made on first impression. Though each natblida is brought up the same way only some respond correctly. Torn from your family, thrown into a life you may not want, tested and pushed to your limits the day you arrive is revealing.

 

 

Harsh but telling.

 

 

Necessary but brutal.

 

 

Life on the ground doesn't wait for you to adjust; you must adjust as you go, absorb and alter with the changes around you or fall behind.

 

 

First impressions, especially those in the face of adversity, are important for commanders or those with the potential to be.

 

 

Aden left an impression on his first day. Zora left an impression on her first day.

 

Maks made an impression on his final day.

 

Kai left an impression every day.

 

 

"That's all for today natblidas, well done, your efforts today have made me proud."

 

 

The group sets off to the tower and lexa watches eagerly, she's watching for another sign. One that she's been waiting for for days. One she hopes she facilitated earlier that morning.

 

 

Typically, the natblidas fall in line behind Aden and Zora being the most promising and oldest of the group; but their leaders aren't here right now so they've been walking out of order in more of a large mass without anyone specifically leading.

 

 

And then, as they begin to get farther from her and where she stands in the courtyard, she sees what she expected.

 

 

The group seems to hear something and their heads lift; seconds later and the mass shifts; they fall into their typical line but this time behind Kai and a small smile falls to Lexa's lips.

 

 

Shes pleased with both herself and Kai, it seems her talk earlier really made a difference this time. She's glad the girls confidence is back; she has the respect of her fellow natblidas from her ordeal at the festival and she can see it clearly in this small display.

 

 

It also shows how natural it is for Kai to lead.

 

 

Lexa once did the very same thing many years ago as one of Anya's youngest seconds. Aden did it his first day in polis without even knowing the route, at first she thought he may be too cocky, but what impressed lexa was him simply using his head and asking a sentry for directions. He proved to her quickly that he wasn't too proud and had every right to be a cocky little shit sometimes.

 

 

Lexa begins to walk towards the tower now as well, Titus bows and follows although he remains a few feet behind. Her eyes are trained on the group of students.

 

 

The youngest of the group walks with her head held high and her shoulders pulled back. She looks authoritative for a seven year old, a leader of the young for now, but a leader nonetheless. Smolheda, lexa internally smirks.

 

 

She's never been part of or known a commander's noviciate class to carry not one but three potential commander's as well as she sees them to be. It makes her proud but also slightly wary. (Way more than slightly, that's a huge lie.) If she falls they'll have to battle each other; she furrows her brow as she begins to walk into the tower as well, her mind drifts to the brutality of the conclave.

 

 

Again, her hands flex and and clamp as she feels the sticky black blood of her brothers and sisters.

 

 

By the time she's inside she's more convinced than ever.

 

 

The conclave must be altered.

 

 

The lexa side of her won't let them kill each other for her or their people. They’re too good, too pure, and full of too much potential. Even the ones she believes will never be chosen by the commander’s spirit. The conclave only equals more death to their kind, a waste of something meant to be sacred, treasured, revered.

 

 

The heda side shakes her head disapprovingly, not because she doesn't agree, but because changing tradition is dangerous.

 

 

Changing tradition means once again defying Titus; this time on a more rigid matter. She can already hear his vehement insistence against it.

 

 

As lexa bathes and dresses to relax for a few hours before dinner she is writing in her journal when she hears the knock on her door.

 

"Enter."

 

"Whatcha doin'" raven bubbles as she comes sauntering in.

 

"Brooding I think Octavia would say," lexa quips closing her journal and tucking it in her pocket. "What's going on? What's all this...excitement for?"

 

"She's alive!" Raven exclaims. "She's alive," she repeats in a deeper voice complete with raised palm hand gestures.

 

Lexa furrows her brow in response and frowns.

 

Ravens mouth drops open before she rolls her eyes in annoyance, "I forgot you guys never had movies. That's from Frankenstein."

 

"That's a book."

 

"Then you get what I'm saying."

 

"Not at all. Who did you bring to life?"

 

"The rover! The death machine lives! The beast is alive!" She repeats the hand gestures.

 

Her excitement is contagious and lexa can't help but feel her spirits pick up simply on the sight of raven alone. She loves seeing her friend like this and Lexas grin is a wide as ravens right now.

 

Before lexa can even stand up raven is at her side pulling her by the hand like a child. "What are you waiting for? let's goooo!"

 

With that the two are in the elevator and heading down.

 

"Just gotta grab one thing," raven says as the lift stops about halfway down the tower.

 

When she returns she literally has grabbed that one thing and has her cradled against her chest.

 

"Raven she's still asleep," lexa hisses as the mechanic enters the elevator again.

 

"Think of how pumped she's gonna be when she wakes up," raven says quietly, "besides I promised her she could have the first ride and I'm not about to break a promise to this little bean."

 

Lexa purses her lips before she gently brushes Kai's hair off her face while it rests on Ravens shoulder, "I don't blame you."

 

* * *

 

 

"Come on lex," raven says while she's in the front seat of the rover.

 

Kai is in the back still asleep and lexa is staring at the passenger seat, door ajar, with extreme cautiousness. Her jaw is jutting left and right and her right hand is gripping the top of the door with a vice like grip.

 

There are a few things on her mind; the first, she hates confinement, and this metal box with wheels is the definition of; the second, it has a gigantic gun mounted on the hood; the third, can raven even drive?

 

"If you don't get in I'm stealing your natblida stowaway," raven tries again gesturing with her thumb to the back seat.

 

Lexa purses her lips; She gets in the front seat and shuts the door. It's loud and she flinches. (She really hates confinement and metal okay, give her a break.) "if I die Clarke's going to kill you."

 

"Noted," the mechanic says looking behind her at a now waking Kai. "Afternoon sleepy head."

 

"Auntie Rae? Where are we, what's going on?" Kai asks rubbing her eyes from sleep.

 

"Inside the rover squirt."

 

"Inside?" Kai blurts out as she looks around. She feels the metal walls experimentally, "I thought you rode on it."

 

Raven brings the machine to life; lexa clutches the dashboard; Kai looks around nervously; the engine roars.

 

"Hold on kids," raven says with a maniacal look on her face.

 

"Oh fuck," lexa says as the beast lurches forward.

 

Raven cackles and Kai creeps a little closer to the two in front so she can see out the windshield.

 

They pull out of the city in a burst of speed to many startled and shocked looks.

 

Lexa begins to loosen the tension in her shoulders as she gets used to the machine. It helps that raven is proving to be more than acceptable at driving.

 

They drive for quite a while but to no where in particular. They don't drift far from the city as they brought no guards for the impromptu joy ride.

 

Raven connects an old world music player and lexa feels her problems and worries drifting away with the scenery; she finds herself completely present in the moment - something that typically only happens when Clarke is around.

 

"Kai, pop that hatch!" Raven points at the ceiling of the machine.

 

Kai stumbles as she reaches for the spinning knob. She throws open the hatch and a rush of air comes into the cabin.

 

"No way," Kai bubbles excitedly popping her head through, but just her head because she's too short. "I can't see properly!"

 

"Looks like you're up commander," raven glances at lexa who has yet to remove her hands from the death claw on the dash.

 

Lexa looks back nervously and nods. She can do this. She lets go and takes a breath, that's a good step. She hesitantly and quite awkwardly climbs to the back and looks up at the hole.

 

She sees ice blue looking back against a cool grey sky. Kai furrows her brow then softens and reaches out her hand, "I was afraid at first too, but this is great! It's safe, you can trust me."

 

Lexa smiles back at the gesture; she does trust Kai and so she takes her hand and stands to pop her shoulders and head out. She is met wish gusting wind that whips her hair off her shoulders. The wind only slightly dims the sound of Ravens blaring music and the speed makes her eyes water; but she finds she doesn't mind and she's not surprised at the giant grin that has grown on her face.

 

She feels a tug on her sleeve making her look down to see a smiling yet very impatient looking Kai. "I want to see what you see."

 

Lexa nods and looks at the hole, she needs to be able to hang on, the terrain is too bumpy not to be jostled. She bends lower and turns her body, "my back, hold on tight okay?"

 

Instantly the tiny body is gripping her in a piggy back. Lexa chuckles and stands, careful to hang on and ease them both through the opening.

 

"Wooooh!" Kai screams into the wind as soon as they break free of the confines.

 

Lexas heart fucking soars right along with her voice because, that right there, was so rewarding. She finds herself becoming less and less nervous of the machine and enjoying it right along with Kai and raven. (Definitely not as much as raven though.)

 

"Thank you Noumon," Kai's small whisper against her ear melts lexa.

 

She puts a hand on one of the arms around her neck sliding it to grasp one of her tiny hands, "I had very little to do with this little one."

 

"You trust me," Kai clarifies. "You came out of the hatch!"

 

"Sha yongon," lexa squeezes. "Thank you for making me brave."

 

"Do you think she'll let me you know drive it?" Kai looks back to the hole and shouts this time, "auntie Rae can I drive?"

 

"Sure-"

 

"Not a chance in hell," lexa cuts her off. "Clarke will kill you, then kill me then come back for seconds."

 

"What she doesn't know won't hurt her," raven says.

 

"Not happening."

 

"Sorry squirt I tried!"

 

Kai hums in Lexas ear and let's go of her neck while squeezing her thighs on Lexas hips allowing her to stretch her arms wide. "I'm not even mad."

 

* * *

 

 

When evening is falling they have eaten and retired to their quarters; lexa is relaxing in bed with a book (Frankenstein) by candlelight.

 

Her eyes are heavy and drooping after the excitement today and she does nothing to stifle her yawn.

 

She pauses and rubs her chest when she feels a wave of nerves; definitely not from her.

 

A moment later and the balcony is lit with flames. Lexa drops her book and gets up crossing the distance by the time the flames go out.

 

"Clarke?"

 

The blonde comes flying through the doors and straight into Lexas arms. Her head buried into her chest and clutching her right. Lexa runs a hand on the back of her head, "Clarke?"

 

"I had to see you," comes the muffled response.

 

Lexa furrows her brow, "what's wrong?"

 

Clarke leans back and blue meets green.

 

"I have a small problem."

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love my cliffhangers 
> 
> *running away*


	38. We could have had it all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this was unexpected and not something I planned at all but I mean Luna just came to life here a bit and I let her lead me. This is totally a story evolving on it's own I am simply typing at this point to keep up with what the characters are giving me. 
> 
> B give me a title for this bruh
> 
> Anyways, so this is Clarke, same day, just the afternoon.

 

 

That afternoon, Aden, Clarke and Octavia make their way to their horses. Clarke mounts Daedalus while she waits for Aden and Octavia to be ready for their afternoon hunt. Everyone has a bow slung on their shoulder, at least one blade and a quiver of arrows (Clarke is armed to the teeth, her usual blades and her new ones in place). Aden is saddling Tribute, a younger mare, while Octavia is buckling the straps of her saddle to her typical chestnut mare.

 

 

“Catch up,” Clarke tells them, “I’m going to get Luna.”

 

 

Aden and Octavia nod in acknowledgement while they busy themselves again. Clarke kicks Daedalus into a soft trot back through the trees and towards the Arkadia walls.

 

 

When she gets to the gate, the doors are already open; When Clarke is in the area they keep them open in the day, when she is away from Arkadia they are closed at all times unless the person requesting entrance is identified and accepted. It is something Kane put into action two months ago when he heard of the festival attack to use as both a precaution and as well as a show of support that Clarke is their leader. It is a lot like how Polis operates then Lexa leaves the city.

 

 

When she trots in to the compound she receives the typical head nods as well as murmurs of Wanheda or Clarke from both TriKru and SkaiKru. She tries to acknowledge as many as possible while she waits for Luna. She sits quietly, smiling and answering questions while a few young SkaiKru pat Daedalus and feed him a carrot.

 

 

When she sees the boat clan leader, she is atop her large white horse; her dreadlocks are pulled high today in a ponytail and she wears beige leather armour on her chest like a vest, exposing toned bare arms; her brown slacks tucked at the bottom into her boots. Judging from her attire, the moisture in the air obviously affects Luna less than the rest of them. She has a bow and quiver of arrows over her shoulders and her blades, which Clarke is certain totals at least four, are not visible.

 

 

“Clarke,” Luna greets with a cheery smile.

 

 

“Luna, did you have fun this morning?” Clarke smiles back.

 

 

Luna nods, “Indeed, Kane and Abby are excellent hosts. I quite enjoy Kane's enthusiasm. They answered all my questions eagerly.”

 

 

Clarke chuckles while she pictures her asking question after question like an excited toddler. She's certain Kane's enthusiasm matches Luna's.

 

 

As if she can sense where Clarke’s mind went Luna speaks again, “As soon as you stop learning you are dead Clarke. Remember that, the wise seek more wisdom. _We_ are never finished learning.”

 

 

That sobers Clarke instantly. It would be strange to some how quickly Luna can go from carefree to serious and back again, but for Clarke, she was used to it after days spent with the woman under her tutelage. Clarke swallows her laughter and ducks her head in acknowledgment and respect.

 

 

“I won’t forget that Luna, I get it.” She finishes with a firm nod.

 

 

“Good, now lets get the hell out of here; I feel like I need open spaces and _lots_ of fresh air,” Luna says pushing the horse forward beside Clarke.

 

 

The blonde spins Daedalus around and they walk the horse towards the gate, “The Ark does that to you, even if you’re used to it; that’s why so many of us sleep in the tents, especially the delinquents that came down with me first.”

 

 

“There’s more shelter in the Ark though,” Luna notes quizzically.

 

 

Clarke shrugs and sees Octavia and Aden waiting for them. “We prefer to sleep beneath the stars after living amongst them for so long. Plus, the delinquents were largely kept in solitary lockup in what we call the ‘skybox’, none of us wish to be confined again.”

 

 

“You were a prisoner?” Luna’s wide eyes stare at the blonde and then she shakes her head with a soft chuckle, “I don’t know why I sound surprised.”

 

 

Clarke smirks and responds with heavy sarcasm, “Yup, that’s me. Just making friends everywhere.”

 

 

“What did you do?”

 

 

“I wanted to tell the truth. I thought people had the right to know that our home was dying; we were running out of air. My dad was executed for trying to do the same; as soon as I was eighteen they would have done the same to me. Luckily for me, we were expendable and taking up extra resources so I was _spared,_ if you could even call it that, a month before I turned eighteen by them sending us to Earth. They dropped us and basically left us for dead.”

 

 

Luna furrows her brow but looks at Clarke like it’s the first time she’s ever seen her. She’s quiet for a few moments as they reach the other two members of their hunting party. They take no guards today as they plan to stay within TriKru and Arkadia lands and will avoid the borderlands beyond as much as possible. Aden and Octavia ride side by side a head of them at a slightly quicker pace, no doubt talking trash to each other.

 

 

“You’re a survivor Clarke.” Luna says it thoughtfully but with a tone of understanding, “You’ve been doing this,” she gestures with a wave of her hand, “leading and surviving a lot longer than everyone realizes...”

 

 

“Not everyone, ...not Lexa,” Clarke says quietly glancing at the woman. “She knew from the moment she met me. She knew from the moment she spied on us in the woods on our first trek towards the mountain actually. She basically saved us that day by throwing a spear through one of our members forcing us to turn back.” Clarke slyly grins at the woman, “…Of course, later she still tried to kill us all anyways; tried and failed only to try again.”

                                                                                                        

 

Luna laughs lightly, “the great beginning to all love stories.”

 

 

Clarke shrugs with a sheepish smile, “It started rough but I wouldn’t change a thing about it; even the deaths we caused, even the betrayal on the mountain. Had it been easy from the beginning I don’t think we would have lived this long or accomplished what we have. I don’t think the Mountain would have fallen, not truly, if they had of made it above ground they would have broke their alliance with your people I think." Clarke pauses and bites her lip before she mentions Luna's sister's killer, "Nia would still be alive.”

 

 

They fall quiet again after that. Clarke can practically hear Luna's mind working, she's far away lost in memories. The blonde allows her the time and space while they ride forward. As the scenery around them changes; the tree cover they went into thickens, it’s slightly darker in the foliage and they keep their eyes peeled for both prey and predator.

 

 

About two minutes later Luna has already unslung her bow and has aimed it in the trees. She lets loose the arrow and seconds later a very large bird falls to the ground. Luna hops off and collects her score while Clarke watches with a raised brow. 

 

"What?" Luna shrugs carefully putting the bird in her bag, "That's my dinner tonight, I've been craving. Plus, the feathers are useful." She mounts her horse and Clarke and her continue on.

 

 

 “Lexa said you knew Anya,” Luna breaks the next small bout of silence now following Clarke through the thick forest.

 

 

Clarke bites her lip a moment and glances back at the tone that tickled her interest. “I did, …sort of - not long… we weren't friends or anything, I'm fairly certain she hated me. She tried to kill me more than once.”

 

 

Luna laughs lightly, but her smile doesn't reach her eyes. “I’m not surprised,” she says honestly.

 

 

“Were you friends?”

 

 

“Something like that,” Luna replies and this time the tone of sadness was very evident. Clarke glances back again with a raised brow, she can't help it, she's curious. Luna rolls her eyes but does elaborate, if only slightly, “We had a _complicated_ history.”

 

 

“Sounds like there’s a story in there,” Clarke comments. Luna is silent for a few moments and Clarke wonders if she overstepped. _Bad Clarke._ “Luna, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.”

 

 

The woman lets go of the reins with one hand and waves dismissively, she offers a small smile; “Don’t be sorry Clarke. It has been a long time since I had last seen Anya that’s all. Even longer since I have spoken to anyone about her.”

 

 

“You don’t have to tell me.”

 

 

There's more silence, just the sound of their horses and the wind in the trees.

 

 

Then, Luna speaks very softly, “Lexa sent word of her death the day she found out. I have her braid.”

 

 

Clarke raises her brows as she stares ahead of her. She wasn’t expecting that, she wasn't really expecting the conversation to continue. She thought Lexa still had the braid she gave her. But now as she thinks about it, it begins to make sense why Luna has such an item, and it is  _so_ like Lexa to be that considerate. 

 

 

“So you weren’t really _friends_ , but something tells me you weren’t really enemies either,” she says knowingly.

 

 

“I think Raven would class us as _‘frienemies’,_ but we were always more than that – always on the edge of something real,” Luna answers. “It was almost real," she says quietly, a hint of remorse again. "We didn't really have a chance, a lot happened in a short amount of time; she changed, I changed and the world didn’t care.” Clarke's heart breaks a little for the woman, she sympathizes; it almost happened to her.

 

 

Clarke glances behind again, “You loved her.”

 

 

“I grew up loving Anya; even when I hated her I loved her,” Luna says softly with a far off look in her eye, a hint at a very sad smile. “Loving Anya was always difficult, _never boring,_ but _very_ lonely. I always thought when we got old and grey we’d come back to each other again. …I had hope even if she did not.”

 

 

“I’m sorry,” Clarke says through thick emotion she is doing very poorly at hiding. She pauses as she thinks about the fierce woman she barely knew but majorly respected, “Would it help if I told you I think she had hope too?”

 

 

“How would you know?”

 

 

“I- I was with her when she died, did Lexa not tell you that?” Clarke frowns.

 

 

“WHAT?”

 

 

“I take that as a no,” Clarke mutters sucking back a breath.

 

 

She glances at the woman behind her again to see a stone face, unreadable.

 

 

Clarke swallows, “We had just escaped the mountain, I found her in a cage and got her out of there. We ran through the reaper tunnels, she saved my life and we jumped out of the mouth of the dam. She saved my life again because I couldn’t swim at that point…” Clarke puts a hand up to prevent a branch from hitting her in the face.

 

 

Luna remains silent so Clarke continues with her ramble, “Then she took me as a prisoner, I’m assuming to bring me as a bounty for Lexa or Indra, I’m not really sure which, but I had a feeling it wasn’t going to end with me still breathing.”

 

 

Clarke catches a small, very small grin of recognition from Luna when she glances back this time. "Indra would have killed you on sight," Luna confirms. "Lexa is unpredictable as are you, so who knows there."

 

 

Clarke rolls her eyes, “She plastered my face with mud and what I am fairly certain contained small traces of feces to help hide us from the Mountain men, …but I kind of think she just wanted an excuse; that seems like a very Anya thing to do. …Anyways, we fought, then fought a lot more and I ended up getting the best of her at the dropship.”

 

 

“Hod op. YOU _beat_ Anya? Before any of your training?”

 

 

Clarke smirks to herself and nods, “Without any real weapon as well.”

 

 

“You lie.”

 

 

“I don’t, I literally had a log and my fists; _and_ you should know better than to underestimate me by now,” Clarke counters.

 

 

“Well, that is surprising.” Luna falls silent a moment or two, “So what makes you think she had hope?”

 

 

Clarke’s shoulders slump a little as the image of Anya taking a bullet takes her vision for a moment.

 

 

She swallows, “When I got us back to Arkadia we were in the tree line where we have our tents set up now, near the training ground. I let her go, we agreed on her delivering a message to Lexa; that we needed each other to bring down the mountain and get our people out. She agreed and thought she could make Lexa see reason. She had hope, I saw it in her eyes.”

 

 

“The Mountain took her parents and soon after her brother. It was one of the main reasons we never worked out, she never got over the loss. The last time I saw her she said ‘maybe someday, the shadow of the mountain wouldn’t blind her’…”

 

 

Clarke slows her horse in a place where they can ride side by side again, “She had hope that the mountain would fall so she could come back to you then.”

 

 

Luna says nothing for a moment absorbing Clarke's words. “So you saw her get shot,” Luna says finally and Clarke picks up instantly that it’s not a question. Luna _knows_ who killed her.

 

 

“You know that SkaiKru killed her? And _still_ you trust us?” Clarke was confounded.

 

 

Luna was certainly one of the exceptions in grounder culture. She knows maybe a handful that are like her. When they first originally met she was friendly and open from the get go; every other grounder, especially those with loved ones killed by SkaiKru, had to get to know the members before ever offering any form of kindness.

 

 

Luna nods and offers Clarke a small smile. “If Skaikru really is as powerful to take down the great Anya Kom Trikru than they are worthy of my attention.” She shrugs as Clarke’s brow furrows, “Make no mistake Clarke, you are lucky Lexa put you in the coalition, had she not I would have been a definite enemy of yours, I am not _that_ noble.”

 

 

“Is that why you’re so interested in our ways; the weapons, the technology and medical equiptment?”

 

 

Luna nods again and raises her brow with a tilt to her head, “What did I tell you before we came to the woods?”

 

 

Clarke fights the urge to roll her eyes, “Right. ‘The wise seek more wisdom’, I remember.” It was a test, a subtle test, but a test from her mentor nonetheless.

 

 

Luna laughs, “Yes. And the dead are gone while the living are hungry; now let's see if our training has helped your hunting skills at all.”

 

 

They ride deeper into the woods and dismount their horses by a stream. Luna and Octavia stay behind to set up a small camp while Aden and Clarke head out with their bows.

 

 

Along their tracking Aden sets two snares while Clarke moves on ahead. They are following a deer, it has extra toes on one foot but it's a good size and average weight. A buck if she’s not mistaken.

 

 

Her cloak flows around her as she slings her bow from her shoulder to hold it more ready. She is quiet as she ghosts through the woods, she feels like she floats across the ground now. She notches an arrow and holds it against the wooden shaft ready to pull and fire at a seconds notice.

 

 

She stops and kneels quietly to examine the small pebble like droppings with her pinky; they’re warm, the deer is close.

 

 

She keeps following the tracks now aware that Aden has rejoined her not far behind. She stops and drops low again tilting her one hand up in a fist to halt Aden as well when she hears a twig snap. She waits and perks her ears; she closes her eyes to focus in on the sound, distance and direction just as Luna taught her. She breathes slow and contains the adrenaline to prevent any shaky shot to come; Sometimes, adrenaline can work against you.

 

 

Her eyes pop open when she can hear the sound of something solid rubbing against wood. She turns her head in the direction and begins to creep closer. She moves a small branch down an inch so she has a clear line of vision ahead of her.

 

 

She sees a buck rubbing his antlers against the bark of a large tree. She takes a quiet breath, she’s not at the right angle and she severely hopes she is down wind. She doesn’t want to spook it; from here she would miss the kill shot and that is _not_ something that would impress Luna. (She learned that lesson the hard way by being thrown in the icy water in Boat Kru territory a month ago.)

 

 

Luna wants proof of her training; and hunting, the act of silently stalking your prey, is one of Luna’s tests. As Clarke shoots Aden a look to halt and stay, she begins to creep a little farther to the left. While she moves she thinks about Luna’s lessons, training and tests for Clarke. She thinks about her words about wise people and she realizes that if the wise are always seeking wisdom then she will always be a student of her world; she also has the distinct feeling that she will always be Luna’s student now too.

 

 

Clarke stops when she finds her angle. She closes her eyes and takes three slow breaths to clear her mind.

 

 

When she opens them she is ready; she draws… _breath in…._ she sets the anchor and aims…. _breath out…._ start the final tension…. _breath in, deep to the chest_ …release _and breath out._

 

 

The arrow twangs off the string with dazzling accuracy as the buck falls. Clarke knows it’s hit its mark, kill shot.

 

 

The buck is dead by the time she reaches it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Well done Clarke,” Luna says happily clapping her on the back when her and Aden bring back their bounty. 

 

 

“Don’t sound so surprised,” Clarke quips, playfully cocky but secretly reveling in the praise. “But to be fair, I let Aden take the smaller one; I can’t take all the credit. The kid’s a good shot.”

 

 

“Don’t sound so surprised,” Aden fires back from Octavia’s side with a huge grin. “Help me with this?” He asks Clarke gesturing to his kill.

 

 

Octavia cleans the two rabbits from the snares to have with the dried fish Luna brought for their snack. Clarke and Aden prepare the two bucks they got for travel on the horses.

 

 

They eat around a small fire happily replenishing the energy they spent today. They laugh and joke, Aden and Octavia take bets on who can burp the loudest, although it's Luna who wins.

 

 

The ride back is louder and lighter than previous. At one point, Clarke can't help but smile to herself and rub her chest absentmindedly as she feels Lexa; whatever is going on at home, she feels it causing waves of elation and ease and so so much love. It's unbridled and flowing straight from the brunette to Clarke.

 

 

It causes some elation in Clarke herself as she feels lighter than she has in days because of it. They race each other through the trees as fast as they can all with huge grins on their faces and laughter radiating the woods.

 

 

As they come bursting through the overgrowth and to the clear fields before Arkadia Luna challenges them all to a race. She cheats by saying 'go' when she's already a horse length ahead of them. The race is close but Clarke has Daedalus, she knows the horse well and knows he has about four more gears he could easily hit. 

 

 

"Come on buddy, this is ours," Clarke tells him crouching lower to his neck and kicking his side. True to who he is, he speeds up so she's neck and neck with Luna's white steed. 

 

 

"Not going to happen wanheda," Luna laughs in challenge.

 

 

"Oh it's going to happen!" She kicks her steed again.

 

 

"Go Clarke!" Octavia cheers her on.

 

 

Clarke is smiling wide as she gets closer to the compound she can see it clearly though it's still plenty far away. 

 

 

As she does get closer she knows she's going to win, Luna is close but still behind her. She could get Daedalus to go faster but she doesn't need it.

 

 

"Clarke! Hod op," Luna's voice carries to her. 

 

 

The sound of her rushing her horse to an abrupt stop has Clarke looking behind her questioningly but following her request. She rounds Daedalus to face Luna, "are you really that sore of a loser you pull us to a stop?"

 

 

"Clarke look," Luna points towards Arkadia.

 

 

The blonde turns and focuses her gaze through the oncoming of dusk; she sees some of her people milling about inside the compound, nothing out of the ordinary; she lets her eyes scan the wider area like Luna and ziva taught her.

 

 

And then she gasps.

 

 

"Is that-"

 

 

"Yes, Azgeda."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at all the gays!! There's lesbians and bi-chicks everywhere!  
> (Maybe another chapter out today or tonight??)  
>  
> 
> Anyways, Ugh I both did and did not want today to come folks.
> 
> Just- ...FUCK YOU JASON.
> 
> Ste Yuj Kru.


	39. Ghosts of The Trial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So that finale was so bland and just what a waste of a season. I hope that acid they dropped was worth it. 
> 
> So anyways, I am glad I have erased s3 from my mind with this series.

 

“Yes, Azgeda.”

 

 

Clarke glances at Luna nervously before back to the two figures in the opposite tree line wearing Azgeda colours and armour. 

 

 

"What do you think they want," Aden asks stiffly as he pulls up beside them.

 

 

Clarke swallows. "I can only think of a few reasons." Her heart pumps violently as her eyes probe the tree-line for more warriors.

 

 

"A message?" Luna says quietly.

 

 

Clarke nods minutely as she glances at her, "Maybe, maybe not." She doesn't elaborate her thoughts further just yet; instead, she kicks her horse forward to a slow walk. "Only one way to find out," she mutters and swallows her nerves.

 

 

The others follow her lead in silence. Clarke watches the Azgeda members creep further out of the far tree line and into the open. Their arms are raised, palms to the sky, a sword in each hand but held improperly in a way to seem less aggressive or non-threatening. There are two of them; two very large, very bearded men. They look like twins from her distance.

 

 

Clarke glances back at Aden, "you stay back but close." He nods. She looks at Octavia, "be ready." She nods and grips her sword to pull, "hod op," Clarke commands sternly; "they don't appear to be hostile. Luna?" Clarke glances at the woman.

 

 

"Sha, I'll check the perimeter, see if there are any lurkers." Luna kicks her steed and bears towards the woods again.

 

 

Clarke flexes her grip on the reins and holds her head high; it feels natural. It feels right. Her Wanheda mask is in place; she feels colder, ruthless if needed.

 

 

"Clarke?" Octavia says getting closer on her horse.

 

 

"Jen dula yu du en shil ai op _,_ " _just_ _do your job and protect me_ , Clarke warns her second with a glare, effectively reminding her of her place and flowing into trig with ease; it’s natural and using it as Wanheda always makes her feel stronger, more in control. Commanding. 

 

 

It feels wrong to be this harsh with one of her best friends on some level, but it feels right as well. She can’t afford to have people questioning her around potential threats or acting without her say so; _she_ needs to be in complete control of situations such as this.

 

 

Her outside is set in an icy, stoic demeanour while her inside burns bright, alight with flames. She feels some nerves but more adrenaline than anything at the moment. Her eyes catch movement at the gate to the compound, she sees Bellamy holding his gun with Miller at his side. Clarke holds up a hand to stop them from advancing, thankfully, Bellamy listens to the silent command and simply remains ready.

 

 

Clarke slows Daedalus even more to allow herself time to slow her breathing; she uses the remaining distance to eye up the men before her. She looks down from her horse and takes in their dirty, torn clothes and armour. She sees the white embellishments, the war paint and cool grey colours clearly beneath the mud and dry blood.

 

 

On closer inspection, they are in fact twins. They each have a giant beard and matching double scars diagonally on their forehead, they are mirror images of the other; and except for the various cuts, bruises, battles scars, and caked dirt, they are identical. They are in rough shape but appear strong and relatively healthy. She guesses if they were standing they’d easily clear 6 feet tall.

 

 

Clarke looks closer and narrows her eyes as the men stop their march, drop their swords and fall to their knees. Their hands remain high above their head. _Is this surrender,_ she wonders?

 

 

She narrows her eyes warily as she considers this. She knows there are other weapons on them; most warriors carry more than one. Clarke makes sure to halt Aden farther back with a flick of her wrist, he pulls to a stop far enough away to be safe but still within hearing distance. Clarke stops another horse length ahead of him and Octavia flanks her with a tight jaw and glare in her eye.

 

 

Clarke nods at her second who promptly takes the silent command and marches the steed threateningly around the two knelt Azgedakru. The chestnut mare huffs and stamps its feet to echo its master’s tone of thought: _look at her the wrong way and you die._

 

" _Yu laik fa kom houm,” You are far from home_ , she states coolly, ice in her tone and both threatening and suspicious.

 

“ _Osir don no houm,” We have no home,_ the twin on the left says. His voice is dry, clearly parched. Evident he’s been in the wilds for some time.

 

 

“ _Hakom yu kamp raun hir?” Why are you here?_ Clarke demands in a strong voice.

 

 

" _Ste lufa gon_ _Wanheda au_ ," _Looking for Wanheda_ , they say in trig together bowing their heads even lower. It appears to be done in reverence to her title alone as they have yet to look at her properly since coming closer.

 

 

They make sure to keep their eyes low, non-threatening and off her since she came closer and sent Octavia behind them; the giant men look rather odd trying to make themselves look as small and unaggressive as possible. She realizes they don't know who she is or they simply don't recognize her without the war paint, copious amounts of blood and her hood; she did look rather different that evening. 

 

 

Either way, it works in her favour she thinks.

 

 

“ _Yu laik vey branwada kom ste lufa gon wamplei,”_ _You are very foolish to look for death,_ she says and she can’t help thinking how proud Lexa, Ziva and Luna would be right now for that taunt alone. She even catches Octavia smirking behind the two men. _Crushed it._

 

 

“ _Osir gouba ogonzaun kom Heda in en kongeda-de.” We observe the commander’s truce and coalition,_ the man on the right answers. “ _We left Azgedakru the night of the trial, we have nowhere else to go.”_

 

 

Clarke keeps her mask set firmly as she takes in a sharp breath. There's a tickle at the base of her neck as her mind briefly drifts to the night she almost died, (or technically died and came back that morning.) Her jaw juts back and forth once and her fists clench around the reins and she slightly rolls her neck. Daedalus huffs and shifts his stance sensing her discomfort. She absentmindedly pats his neck and lets out the breath she didn't know she was holding.

 

 

_Breathe Clarke._

 

 

Wanheda composes her senses again,  _"The trial was a few months ago. Arkadia did not move, why come now?"_ No others had arrived in that amount of time either _._

 

 

" _We have been hunted by our people since that night; all of us who bowed were hunted the moment the sun came and the snow fell."_  The twin on the right reveals,  _“We have been in and out of the area since last month evading scouts, the doors were always closed, but today Wanheda is here to decide our fate. The spirits answered us.”_

 

 

Clarke pauses for a beat searching for a lie. They are awfully good liars if there is one. She can’t remember the faces of those who bowed that night; she can only remember the faces of the dead. She needs more.

 

_Press them._

 

_"We were told there were more who bowed, where are the others?_ " She asks keeping up the guise of what she assumes is a general to their eyes.

 

 

_"Captured, missing or dead."_

 

 

_"By Azgeda?"_

 

 

_"No, not captured by Azgeda.”_ the left twin shakes his head.

 

 

The right clarifies _, “Azgeda kills defectors on sight."_

 

 

Clarke chews the inside of her lip for a moment _,_ of everything she knows of Azgeda -- that sounds about right. _"Then who captured them? What of the missing?"_ She pushes again.

 

 

_"We do not know; we split up our small group that had escaped so we would be harder to track, but it was harder to defend as well. A lot of us fell before we even reached the borderlands. We would backtrack to throw our trail and we came across not one but two areas that told us a fight occurred and prisoners were taken. There was not enough blood to equal death."_

 

 

Clarke eyes them carefully with a small tilt to her head. She glances at Octavia and then back to the men.

 

 

_"You will surrender the remaining weapons you carry, you will be searched. Now."_ She nods at Octavia who dismounts and begins her search.

 

 

It is then that Luna returns _, "Clear."_ Her mentor dismounts with a knowing nod and slides to assist Octavia.

 

 

Clarke looks back at Aden, _"Go to the ark, find Kane and let him know what's happened; stay with him, speak to no one else about this. Tell Bellamy to stay there."_

 

 

The boy hesitates, still stiffly eyeing the Warriors and then back to Clarke _._ The blonde mentally curses Lexa because _of course_ she tasked Aden to watch over her where possible; it’s evident in his posture and features.

 

 

_"Now,"_ she growls _. "I will fetch you soon."_

 

 

She looks back to consider the men _. "What exactly do you seek from Wanheda?"_

 

 

So far, they are very forthcoming with their story even though they don't know they're speaking to the woman they seek. She's suspicious by nature now. She tries to ignore the guilty pit in her stomach with little effect; she's still human after all and if they are speaking true it's her fault they've been suffering. It's her fault they had to escape from their home. It’s her fault they have no people.

 

 

She has a feeling she knows what they want. Lexa warned her not long after the trial that something like this would happen. ‘ _Fear will make them take notice, your heart will make them loyal,’_ she hears the ghost of her voice as a whisper in her head.

 

 

" _We request sanctuary, we seek refuge from Wanheda however we may serve. We are hers and we are her kru's if they'll have us._ " They say in unison; it makes her tilt her head again, she’s never met twins and she wonders if that’s a normal occurrence. She’s becoming more curious by the minute. Though they look only at the ground or her horse legs they are in tune with each other on another level.

 

 

_Focus Clarke._

 

 

Clarke shivers and her spine tingles as she forces her brain back to their request. She's familiar with grounder law and ways since spending time in the annexes but this particular one that is occurring essentially in times of war she did not read much on -- there simply wasn't much of it – there were not a lot of examples to be put to paper.

 

 

As far as she knows clans of the coalition can claim other clan's members as their own if they are accepted by that clan or have a union with someone from said clan. But in times of war or with the enemy she is not sure of the protocol. She knows what they are asking and she feels her body going slightly haywire as she considers her options and the consequences.

 

 

She waits silently mulling it all over while the search for weapons is completed.

 

 

Are they a Trojan horse meant to attack from within? Is this a ruse? What will she do with them if she accepts? Does she bring them to Polis and risk endangering the city if they are indeed spies? Do she accept and leave them in Arkadia and risk her people’s home? Does she take them as her guard so she can watch them? Will taking them as her guard put her in more or less danger? She prefers her life to be in danger versus risking anyone else. Does she refuse their request? Can she be that heartless, what if they are telling the honest truth? What does it mean for them if she does refuse? If she accepts, will her people ever accept them?

 

 

She begins to grind her teeth so much they hurt as her head goes around in circles.

 

 

She swallows and sets her jaw once more. She takes a calming breath before she speaks, _"You will remove your armour and coats,_ " she commands. " _No Azgeda colours will ever enter Arkadia again,"_ she says with warning venom. Wanheda internally smirks as she sees a nervous glance fall on her from the men who finally look up slightly, they obviously remember the fever being sent here too.

 

 

She thinks they might have a small idea forming of whom they are speaking with now as well.

 

 

She nods at Luna who remounts her steed. Octavia remains behind the men, hand itching to grab her sword; Clarke gives her one subtle shake of her head, _no, wait._

 

_“What are your names?”_

 

_“Beland.”_

 

_“Bill.”_

 

Octavia snorts, “Bill?”

 

 

Clarke and Luna both glare at her, the warrior shrugs behind the men, ‘sorry’ she mouths.

 

 

Clarke speaks again, _“Well, Bill and Beland no longer of Azgedakru, you may leave now if that is your choice; or you will be brought into Arkadia, provided with place to bathe and rest and have your wounds seen to. Fresh clothing will be supplied to you as well as food and drink while you await your meeting with the one who commands death and holds your fate. Until then, you will be prisoners of the Skai and Tri Krus. Make your choice.”_

 

Her offer causes the men to pause and look at her quizzically; their masks are suddenly dropped in the surprise. Clearly, they had never been given an _option_ to be made prisoner or not before; Clarke thinks she may be the first to offer such a thing.

 

 

She wonders if they understand it; she wonders if they know that this is her attempt at saving them from what is most likely a high probability of death once they cross this line. The minute they walk into Arkadia their request will be set in the public eye and she will have to follow through on whatever choice she makes or risk appearing weak.

 

 

She swallows while she awaits their decision. The darkness is falling quicker around them and she needs to hurry this along. She has people to speak with; She needs to talk to Kane, she needs to discuss this with Bellamy, she’d like to talk to Echo if possible as well, she also _needs_ to speak with Lexa. Soon.

 

 

There is no verbal discussion from the twins, just one single glance before they answer together, _“Yes, we accept.”_

_“Coats and armour, now.”_ Octavia grunts nudging the one on the left with her boot.

 

 

Clarke looks at Octavia, _“Take them to lockup when we get inside, see that they are provided for. I’ll need to see Kane. Find me after they are secure.”_

 

She walks Daedalus forward towards the gate slow enough that the prisoners can follow behind while Octavia and Luna flank them.

 

 

_“Keep your hands up if you wish to keep them,”_ Luna reminds them sternly making sure to keep her horse on their heels.

 

Clarke sees Bellamy take a few steps forward, she doesn’t stop she merely lets him fall into pace with her horse.

 

 

“Clarke, what is this?” his whispers gruffly.

 

 

“A small leap of faith I hope,” Clarke says honestly. “I will explain later Bell. I need you to keep an eye on them in the lockup; I want no one getting in there. The only healer allowed in will be my mother and she does not enter that cage alone you hear me? After she sees them make sure they bathe and are given fresh clothes. Have Harper and Miller help. Where is Echo?”

 

 

“She’s in the trees training before dinner,” he tells her.

 

 

“Thanks, send someone to fetch her, she’s to meet me in the council chambers.” She nods as a signal she’s finished her orders and speeds up into the gates trusting her people to do their duty like she asked. (Commanded.)

 

 

Clarke dismounts and hands her reins over to a page of TriKru who takes Daedalus away. She hands her bow and quiver to another member and heads inside the Ark. She ignores the murmurs and stares at the prisoners coming in behind her as she continues through the Ark.

 

 

“Clarke, what’s going on?” Kane asks when she finds him in the council chambers. Aden is standing beside him as they were peering at a map.

 

 

“Two Azgeda have arrived; they say they have been on the run since bowing to me at the trial. They believe they are the only once left of their group. The others are dead by Azgeda hands or captured by an unknown party.”

 

 

“Could be, disappearances have been occurring in the borderlands but Arkadia has been safe lately.”

 

 

“Do you really think Azgeda tells the truth,” Aden pipes up bravely.

 

 

Clarke gives him a small proud smile, “There in lies the dilemma youngblood.”

 

 

“What do they want from us?” Kane asks.

 

 

“Nothing. What they want only I can give them,” Clarke explains. “They seek sanctuary.”

 

 

“They are the enemy,” Aden says in a strong voice, clearly displeased. Clarke understands his trepidation and his tone; he has experienced more Azgeda war in their lands than she has so far.

 

 

“Some of them are, these men may not be. Luna swept the tree-line and found no one else. Their actions thus far have shown me they may just be telling the truth. They did not know they were already speaking with Wanheda, although they may have more of an idea now. They surrendered their weapons, didn’t fight a search, their wounds are already weeping so there is no fever present. They removed Azgeda colours and armour before entering. They accepted to be taken as prisoners.”

 

 

“ _Accepted_? As in you gave them a choice?” Kane looks at her surprised but very impressed. He looks proud.

 

 

Clarke nods, “I did.”

 

 

Aden is watching her shrewdly, “Why would you do that?”

 

 

Clarke looks at the boy and sighs, it’s a teaching moment and she takes it, this is her duty too.

 

 

“In times of war and peace we must decide what kind of person we want to be. I choose to be the kind of person _\- the type of leader_ \- that can offer mercy where I can; I gave these men a choice to leave freely and find refuge elsewhere or be taken as my prisoner while they await the decision.”

 

 

“That’s either very noble or very foolish on both of your parts,” Aden comments dryly.

 

 

Clarke and Kane chuckle.

 

 

“Without risk there is no reward, and if they did bow to me I owe them that choice.”

 

 

Aden nods in acceptance. It’s troubled but he trusts her.

 

 

“So what exactly does this entail?” Kane asks.

 

 

Clarke chews her lip as her nerves catch up to her. She doesn’t have an exact answer, not yet. She knows which way she may be leaning but she begins to feel her nerves overriding her heart and her mind. Her pulse is racing as her adrenaline slows down and her nerves catch up. The risk is great if she leads this one with her heart.

 

 

_Your heart will keep them loyal._

 

“I need to speak with Lexa,” she tells them. “I’ll be back, wait here.”

 

 

Kane looks at her quizzically. “I have a radio here Clarke,” he gestures behind him.

 

 

“No, that’s not going to cut it right now,” Clarke heaves through the nerves, her heart is pounding and her muscles feel tense; her chest hurts, “I won’t be long.”

 

 

_Breathe._ It hurts. Her chest is tight.

 

 

She backs up and leaves in a tornado of flames. A moment later she is on the balcony of their bedroom in Polis and bursting through the doors straight into Lexa’s arms.

 

 

_Breathe._

 

 

It hurts less. Her tension leaves her as strong arms hold her close and Lexa's pure heart thuds in her ears.

 

 

It echoes with the sound of her name falling from Lexa's lips, "Clarke?"

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter she's visiting her bae gonna say some 'i love you's' because I need it okay


	40. Two for One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My head has just been in a constant state of disappointed shaking since Thursday.  
>    
> This is for my people. 
> 
> Two things:  
> 1\. day drinking starts now  
> 2\. And a mighty roar of FUCK YOU JASON while I flip the bird

 

The blonde comes flying through the doors to the balcony and straight into Lexas arms. Her head is buried into her chest and she's clutching her tight as if she’s keeping her anchored. (She is.) 

 

 

Lexa runs a hand on the back of her head in comfort and tries gently calling to her again, "Clarke?"

 

_Breathe_

 

 

She does, it's shaky but Lexa’s calming presence fills her as soon as she inhales. She selfishly soaks it in. Her chest begins to hurt less; her stress wavers. Her strength is returning.

 

 

"I had to see you," comes the muffled response lexa was waiting for. Clarke breathes in deep some more; she feels the tension slip further from her.

 

 

Lexa, even though Clarke can't see it -she can  _hear_ it, furrows her brow, "what's wrong?"

 

 

Clarke leans back and blue meets green.

 

 

"I have a small problem."

 

 

“That always sounds good,” Lexa mutters cupping Clarke’s cheek. “What’s wrong? Is everyone okay?" She gives the blonde a quick once over with her eyes, "Clarke, why are you so nervous?”

 

 

“Shhh,” Clarke hushes, leaning in again to Lexa’s chest, she has her lips pressed to the base of her neck. “Just give me a minute.” 

 

 

Lexa doesn’t resist, she doesn’t push, she understands.

 

 

She savours.

 

 

She holds her close and takes the relief and comfort Clarke offers freely back. They share it. She strokes her hair and hums their tune.

 

 

She waits. She soothes.

 

 

Finally, Clarke feels collected enough to break the trance.

 

 

“Heh,” Clarke gives a soft wet chuckle as she loosens her hold a bit to lean back. She doesn't know when the tears started, she was just so caught up in Lexa that they came freely.

 

 

They aren't sad tears, not even close. She smiles lopsidedly.

 

 

“Better?” Lexa coos with a warm smile reaching up to brush Clarke’s tear away.

 

 

The blonde smiles back and nods, “Yeah,” she sniffles sheepishly, “loads. I was just a little overwhelmed. A lot’s been going on and today was just a bit of overload.” 

 

 

She reaches up to cup the back of Lexa’s neck, glancing from forest green eyes to luscious pink lips; she licks her lips,  “I need one more thing first.” Her fingertips dance in the baby hairs of Lexa’s neck while she presses their lips together softly.

 

 

She tastes of home but Clarke sees the world behind closed eyes. 

 

 

Her heart roars with satisfaction; this time, it sounds like an untamed beast and when it comes to Lexa, it definitely is one. 

 

 

They sigh into the kiss, like a well-rehearsed dance they release only to take a breath and reconnect; it happens again and again, soft and delicate; a small adjustment here, a tilt there and it’s flawless. 

 

 

Clarke hums with one last press of their lips, Lexa sighs as they part and her eyes flutter open. There’s a moment of blissful haze shared between them as they both try to remember how to breathe properly.

 

 

Clarke rolls her eyes and can't help but smirk smugly at the dilated pupils she sees in a forest of green; she’s sure hers must be the same size but she chooses to wear it just as proudly. They have that affect on each other. She lays her hands on Lexa’s collarbones she feels through her nightshirt while the brunette’s arms wrap and settle on her lower back, their chests flush. 

 

 

Lexa places three light kisses to Clarke's forehead, their soft and sweet. She imagines it's what rose petals would feel like.

 

 

“So will you tell me why you are also here, I know it was not just for that."

 

 

“It was primarily for that actually,” Clarke says matter-of-factly. And it’s true; she  _really_  just needed to be able to breathe properly again. She sighs and gives a small chuckle at the unbelieving eyebrow raise Lexa gives her. “I wouldn’t say no to some advice on an issue though. I think it’s best we discuss it."

 

 

“Is this really a ‘small problem’? Or is this an ‘I’m Clarke and I may have inadvertently stepped in a war’ type of problem?” Lexa asks with a quirk to her brow.

 

 

Clarke scoffs and tilts her head with a grin, “rude.”

 

 

“Appropriate. Answer the question Clarke,” Lexa smirks.

 

 

“It could potentially be both but I’m hoping its just a small issue, but who knows with us, I mean, with my luck especially-”

 

 

“Clarke, you’re rambling,” Lexa cuts her off.

 

 

“Right. Sorry. Everyone’s fine,” Clarke tries to smile, it sucks and it makes Lexa narrow her eyes in silent question. “It’s Azgeda. Two men arrived at Arkadia this afternoon,” Clarke explains.

 

 

Lexa tilts her head but remains visibly calm; Clarke can see her mind at work. “Explain, please.”

 

 

“It was on our way back from the hunt; it looked like they were surrendering to the first patrol they found now that the gates were open. They came out of the treeline with their hands up high, and swords held,” she demonstrates briefly,” like that. Then they dropped to their knees, put the swords on the ground in front of them and kept their hands sky high.”

 

 

Lexa tilts her head the other way, but Clarke catches how wide her eyes got at that reveal. Clarke is curious but she continues, “They said they were looking for Wanheda, they don’t know they were already talking to me I don’t think, they claim to be part of the group that bowed Lex.”

 

 

Lexa nods slowly, “We knew there was a chance that this would happen. Please continue Clarke, we can discuss that further after.”

 

 

“Right, so if what they say is true they’ve been hunted for over two months; they’ve lost their whole party to Azgeda blades or capture.”

 

 

“Azgeda does not capture defectors.”

 

 

“I know that now and I can only assume the disappearances are linked to another clan like the others. Anyways, they didn’t fight a search for their remaining weapons; I asked them what they wanted from Wanheda and they said ‘ _We request sanctuary, we seek refuge from Wanheda however we may serve. We are hers and we are her kru's if they'll have us.’”_

 

Lexa’s eyes widen minutely again, but of course, Clarke notices. “What is it?”

 

 

“What did you say to the request? Did anyone hear it or witness it?”

 

 

Clarke narrows her eyes, “Luna and Octavia were with me, we had some onlookers from the gate. And I didn’t say anything, not really, I gave them the option to remove their Azgeda armour and colours and be taken as prisoner until Wanheda can decide their fate or to leave right then.”

 

 

Lexa’s corner of her mouth twitches and she shakes her head softly as she inhales. “Oh Clarke, of course you did," she says referring to the 'option to be taken prisoner'. "I am assuming they accepted this.”

 

 

“Yep, the both of them, in unison.”

 

 

“It is a good offer if they prove worthy and honest,” Lexa nods once and Clarke’s unsure if that comment was meant for her or the brunette herself. Lexa falls silent in thought; she has a slightly far off look in her eyes.

 

 

Clarke can practically feel her wishing to pace, the blonde holds her to stay put and tries to snap her out of it.

 

 

“ _Hello_ , commander cryptic, am I missing something? What they asked, be clear with me what that means," Clarke asks her to clarify.

 

 

Lexa purses her lips for a moment wondering where exactly Clarke is lost; she thinks she may have an idea.

 

 

“It is _the_ _way_ they said it, with their gestures with their swords, it makes it more than just adopting them into the clan Clarke. You made quite an impression it seems; what they have done is offer their lives for yours - both their lives actually, two for one so to speak.” Lexa gives her a small reassuring smile with pride in her eyes.

 

 

“There are two ways for an enemy to switch sides; the first, a normal request for sanctuary and refuge with no gestures other than raised palms and their request for trial to prove worth. The second is extremely rare for obvious reasons, what they have done, by offering their swords that way while they make the request means they wish to enter your service, protect you and _intend_ on dying doing so if you accept them. They will not leave your service until that debt is paid."

 

 

" _What_?" Clarke says hotly with wide eyes. "They _intend_ to die for me?" That’s too specific for her liking. She could almost laugh at her naivety, she thought she would be able to give them mercy if she took them in, now it seems she’ll only give them death if she does so.

 

 

"Yes, if they are being truthful that is." Lexa answers swiftly. "It is an interesting choice; I should like to meet them I think, depending on what you decide." She looks thoughtful for a minute. "They seem to proposition you in a way only you would accept; you wouldn't accept the other version: where they become real property by way of trial."

 

 

“Um side note: that's disgusting."

 

 

Lexa laughs softly, "Yes it is. But Clarke, we did this to Bellamy as a spy remember. They could be doing the same, keep that in mind as you make your decision. He became Azgeda’s under our command, he completed trial for Ontari.” Lexa says this carefully but to make a point: this is the way of the land; you must choose carefully who you put your trust in. Clarke knows this much already.

 

 

They must be careful.

 

 

“Can’t they request it of someone else? I don’t want to have _anyone (else_ ) owe me that debt _."_ She sighs shakily, "It's too much Lex."

 

 

“No Clarke. I’m sorry, it is too late; the request can only be made once and rejected or accepted once, they offered it before even coming face to face with Wanheda if they truly did not know it was you. They show true bravery and faith doing it the way they have, you must choose who you ask this of carefully and I can’t say I fault them in this. Their faith in the spirits and in you must be strong.”

 

 

“Faith in us I think is more like it, they said they observe the commander’s coalition,” Clarke points out. They seem to respect both Heda’s. Clarke furrows her brow and sighs, "So if I say no?"

 

 

“They are considered the enemy so if you refuse them you must give them death. It is the only way to release them from the bond they’ve extended."

 

 

Clarke groans and her insides flip on themselves. "So I give them death or death," she huffs.

 

 

"Make no mistake Clarke, they knew the risks. I would suggest asking Echo if she knows them before you make a decision."

 

 

"Way ahead of you, she should be waiting for me."

 

 

Lexa nods, "and Aden?"

 

 

Clarke sighs again and bites her lower lip. "He isn't thrilled about what’s going on."

 

 

Lexas jaw juts back and forth, "he distrusts Azgeda, ever since..." She swallows the sudden emotions and Clarke knows just where her mind went. "He knew Costia. He fears for you,” Lexa composes herself.

 

 

Clarke lip twitches and she rubs Lexa’s arm soothingly, "he's alright don't worry. Kane's with him. He's not going to lose it on us."

 

 

"He's strong, he will be fine." Lexa agrees with Clarke’s reassurance. She grins and glances away. "I missed you."

 

 

"You better miss me," Clarke smirks and kisses her. She’s got one hand on each side of her neck, thumbs caressing her jaw.

 

 

 "I have to go," she definitely tries not to whine when she pulls away. (She fails.)

 

 

She doesn't feel embarassed about it because there's a seriously adorable pout on Lexa’s face that takes Clarke's breath away. Once again she's startled by how much she loves the woman in front of her. 

 

 

Her hair is down and bushy brown curls fall softly on her shoulders. The candles are lit and her current book is strewn across the bed losing its page in her haste to get to the balcony. Her pout is changing to a lopsided grin and, _fuck_ , Clarke is so weak for her. 

 

 

"What?"  Lexa asks 

 

 

"You're just- I really love you," she can't help the single tear that escapes her eye or the love she knows Lexa can feel radiating from her. The sudden onslaught of emotion makes her tingle and her heart pitter-patters irregularly.

 

 

Lexa smiles, teeth exposed and pulls her tight to her chest, her arms hold her close. Her admiration falls in Clarke's ears like honey, "AI hod yu in, Clarke." She leans back and smiles as she strokes the blondes cheek, " _always_ and into the hereafter."

 

 

They kiss again; lips melt together, bodies held close and breaths shared. Clarke feels a soft stroke to her hair, a tighter hug, a slight lean back and she knows it's time. 

 

 

"I hate this part," Clarke confesses much like Lexa a few days ago.

 

 

Lexa gives her a sympathetic smile and brushes a loose hair off of Clarke's face who leans into the touch. "Mmm, but I have a surprise for you when you get home. Do me a favour and use the flames? When you're close enough and you deem it safe send Daedalus with Octavia?"

 

 

Clarke raises her eyebrows and tilts her head, "Okay?"

 

 

That earns her a very large and excited grin, her eyes shine in excitement. "Great!"

 

 

Clarke laughs and rubs her cheek, "Okay love, I've got to get back, I've kept them waiting long enough."

 

 

"What is your decision?"

 

 

"I think you already know. I still want to speak with Echo first however," Clarke responds kissing her cheek while her other hand cups the other. "Don't miss me too much.” She moves to detach herself from Lexa.

 

 

The brunette catches her and keeps her still, "Clarke wait, one more thing, what you asked me before you left..."

 

 

"What about it," Clarke tilts her head.

 

 

Lexa pauses and purses her lips for a second. Clarke can tell she’s struggling with this, the blonde closes her eyes as the words fall out of Lexa’s lips, "I give you leave to do it. We have no choice now, it’s too dangerous not to know after tonight. Let Wanheda’s Ghost walk.”

 

 

Clarke nods as she opens her eyes. She understands; Lexa is giving her go ahead on her proposed mission to get to the bottom of whats going on in the Delphi and Desert clans. She takes a breath, it is not shaky - it’s strong. She nods, "Okay. We'll talk more about it when I get home. We have time." 

 

 

“Sha, Clarke.”

 

 

Clarke sighs softly as she looks at Lexa, she feels herself being pulled on a deep walk through evergreens. The candles shadows dance on her features and the heat radiates between them. Clarke pulls Lexa by the hand and leads her to the bed. She gently pushes the brunette into it and leans back when Lexa tries to pull her in too, “Nope, if I get in there I’ll never leave tonight.” She lifts Lexa’s legs and swings her around so she can tuck her feet under the furs.

 

 

“Clarke?” Lexa hums as the furs come up to her chest and she is handed her book once more.

 

 

Clarke leans in and kisses her, it’s a goodnight kiss. “I just- this is the last image I want before I leave. You safe and warm in our bed waiting for me.” They kiss again, “I fucking love you.”

 

 

She pulls back and brushes Lexa’s hair back from her face lovingly.

 

 

She smiles before she moves to the bedside dresser. She removes a small tin. She scoops the insides out and paints her mask to her face, the single drag from her forehead, over her right eyelid and down her cheek diagnonally. If she's going to do this, she'll do this right.

 

 

They wanted the commander of death? She's coming. 

 

 

"Looks good right?" Clarke says putting the tin away and checking in with the brunette. “Even without looking, it feels the same as it always does.”

 

 

"Sha, Clarke, even in the mask you look beautiful," Lexa hums soothingly. "Go now niron, remember to breathe."

 

 

Clarke grins a last time and leans in to push Lexa back to a comfortable position. She kisses her lips and then her forehead. “Reshop Lex, sweet dreams Niron,” she whispers before pulling back. One last glance at the dopey grin on Lexa’s face and she heads to the balcony.

 

 

She turns on her heels when she gets to it, takes one last look at Lexa, they share a final hand raised gesture in safe travels and a tornado of flames whisk Clarke back to Arkadia.

 

* * *

 

 

She lands outside the ark safely but in the compound. 

 

 

_Breathe, Clarke._

 

 

She turns and heads into the ark. 

 

 

Echo meets her at the door to the council chambers. "What are you doing out here?" Clarke asks.

 

 

"I hate your tiny metal rooms," Echo explains and she looks fidgety, uncomfortable.

 

 

Clarke nods and smirks at her tone, "me too."

 

 

"I understand you wanted to see me Wanheda?" Echo asks obviously wanting to push this along.

 

 

"Yes, do you know any Azgedakru twins named Bill and Beland?"

 

 

"Ah, so that is what all the commotion was about," Echo smiles. "Sha, what do you want to know."

 

 

"Can I trust them? Do they have honour?"

 

 

"They bowed to you and betrayed their people as I have," echo says passionately, a slight edge in her tone. "They are honourable."

 

 

Clarke swallows; she didn't mean to offend anyone, but she _has_ to ask and refuses to feel bad about it when it involves the safety of those around her. Wanheda growls at Echo’s scowl and it causes her to fix her stance once more, _too soft_ , she shifts slightly, _better_.

 

 

It works; Echo ducks her head in a silent apology.

 

 

"Surely you know why I must ask Echo," Clarke says extending the olive branch.

 

 

Echo nods, "I know what it is they must have asked of you, that's all. If they are here it only means one thing." 

 

 

Clarke sucks at her lip but maintains eye contact "Yes."

 

 

_Breathe._

 

 

"Clarke they are well trained warriors, Beland is a proficient student in healing, I have worked with him on many battle fields. And Bill," she swallows, "Bill is special."

 

 

Clarke tilts her head, "how so?"

 

 

"My people refer to bill as ‘the wolf’ or _Wolvau_."

 

 

Clarke raises her eyebrows, "the wolf? Why?"

 

 

"I'm not sure you'd believe me if I told you."

 

 

"Echo," Clarke warns.

 

 

"He will show you, you need only ask; he doesn't like to present himself as such very often, it is more a 'by the need' thing. It requires a lot of energy."

 

 

Clarke eyes her carefully before nodding. She understands by the tone Echo gives her that this is both sensitive and serious for Bill. Her jaw clenches, he sounds dangerous. Wanheda thinks he sounds like an asset.

 

 

"Trust them Clarke. Twins are good luck." Echo leaves her with a nod knowing Clarke is done with her questions, she got what she was looking for. 

 

 

The blonde take a deep breath and sighs it out. She heads into the council chambers. 

 

 

" _Well_?" Aden says as soon as she enters.

 

 

Clarke raises her brow at his tone. "Excuse you?"

 

 

The boy lowers his head, "I'm sorry Clarke, forgive me."

 

 

"He’s just been worried that's all," Kane says, coming to his defense with a strong hand on Aden’s shoulder.

 

 

The boy silently thanks him for the bail out with a glance and Clarke rolls her eyes.

 

 

"It's fine.”

 

 

“Um, Clarke,” Kane says, “When did the fire thing start?”

 

 

Clarke raises her eyebrows again, “You didn’t know?” This surprises her, she didn’t think she was hiding it and she assumed word of what she could do was spreading. She tilts her head and ponders Kane’s reaction.

 

 

“Does this look like a face of someone in the know?”

 

 

Clarke and Aden laugh, “It’s completely safe for me, don’t worry Kane. We sort of discovered it after Lexa saved my life with her blood. The Earthquake? That was us.”

 

 

“Ah,” Kane scratches his head curiously.

 

 

Clarke sighs, “I don’t really have time for this right now. You can ask me anything you want later.”

 

 

He nods and ducks his head like a kid caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar; Aden is smirking and not trying to hide it at all.

 

 

“ _Boys_ ,” Clarke mutters and turns on her heels. “Follow me."

 

 

She leads the two to the lockup where she meets Bellamy who stands to greet them. "Abby says they're in good shape, need a couple days rest and some steady water intake." 

 

 

Clarke nods, “Thanks.”

 

 

She eyes the men in the holding cell. They've showered, their wild hair has been braided again and their beards are neat and trimmed. They wear blue Doctor scrubs, the only Skaikru clothes that fit apparently. They look rather handsome.

 

 

"Wait here," she tells the people with her and ignores the silent looks of unease as she opens the door to enter alone. She knows the mic is on to the outside and they will hear everything that's said inside the box.

 

 

They eye her carefully taking in the war paint she has added to her face. Their eyes widen and they bow low before they fall to their knees.

 

 

"I trust you know who I am now," Clarke says calmly. Authoritatively, she holds her hands clasped behind her back and raises her chin.

 

 

" _Sha, Wanheda_." Again they respond in unison. 

 

 

"Tell me Beland Kom nou kru, do you still wish what you ask?" _Beland of no people._

 

 

"Sha."

 

 

"And you bill Kom nou kru? 

 

 

"Sha, our lives are yours. I swear it."

 

 

"I swear it," Beland echoes without missing a beat.

 

 

Clarke lets the moment hang before speaking. She absorbs what risks she’s making and wills herself to trust her instincts.

 

 

_Breathe, Clarke._

 

 

"Very well. I accept your lives in return for sanctuary,” Clarke tells them, she doesn't know why she says that but the instincts she trusts tell her it's what they need to hear. “I will never ask something of you in my service I would not do myself, this I swear to you.”

 

 

They nod but remain bowed and on their knees.

 

 

“In time, I hope you will be accepted as a member of our Kru’s, but that decision is based on your actions as much as my decision,” she adds in warning. She hopes they realize she just offered them hope _and_ a branch of trust. It is theirs to break.

 

 

Fuck, she hopes she right about these two. 

 

 

_A leap of faith indeed._

 

 

 _Breathe Clarke_.

 

 

She takes a breath sharply as she looks down at the men at her feet. She swallows as the severity of the situation lands on her shoulders.

 

 

She just accepted two more people, two more souls _volunteering_ to die for her. Two people refusing to have their fight end in no other way but in service to her.

 

 

They do not know her; they cannot love her.

 

 

 _Not yet_ , she reminds herself.

 

 

 _They'll follow your heart_. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (What? No cliffhanger? Lindsay, are you sure you wrote this?)
> 
> Next chapter I think Clarke will come home so expect a little bit of time jumps most likely.
> 
> *cheers*


	41. You've got to be kidding me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was on my phone so there's prob a few mistakes.
> 
>  
> 
> Anyways, So this happened. (4700 words wtf?)

 

 

 

Two days later, the sun is out and beckoning to everyone to enjoy their day in its warm glow.

 

 

 

At mid afternoon, Clarke finds herself in the training ground with Bill and Beland. Luna and Octavia are close by, watching and speaking with  each other in hushed tones. Clarke can tell Octavia is wary of the twins while Luna seems more intrigued than anything.  

 

 

 

Luna applauded Clarke's decision in the privacy of her and Lexa's tent. She Told her she was brave and honourable; that she is worthy of her title and the look in Lunas eyes backed up her every sentiment. It meant a lot to Clarke and she's sure Luna knew it.

 

 

 

(But just in case, she told her as much while sharing a bit too much wine the night she made the decision.)

 

 

 

She and Octavia stayed with Clarke through the night discussing her decision and all that could come from it, both good and bad, before they all succumbed to the wine and sleep. Octavia curled into Clarke's side on the bed, drooling and occasionally kicking Clarke; while Luna slept in her chair, feet propped up on the end of the bed, soft snores escaping her. 

 

 

 

And yes, there was a very large, very empty, jug that once held wine on the floor by her chair.

 

 

 

The next couple days were pretty uneventful. No one out right questioned her decision on the twins so far, although she was certain there were murmurs. 

 

 

 

The trikru seemed a little more understanding of her decision than skaikru simply because it is their tradition; when they were told of the request and trade of lives for sanctuary they knew the decision was not made lightly. They simply understand the value and cost of life in a much more spiritual and meaningful way than most skaikru. It doesn't fail to register with Clarke that They also understand the wanheda side of her more than her own people because of this.

 

 

 

Clarke is an anomaly; she has a foot firmly planted on each side of the trust issue. She can see clearly both kru's sides in all of this. She is an amalgamation of both kru's already; soon to be officially made co-heda of both as well as to the coalition when she and Lexa have their union ceremony.

 

 

 

 So she understood skaikrus trepidation about it all as well as trikrus trust in her decision. she empathized with Both. Azgeda had killed a lot of them in both the fever and the battle at Arkadia, not to mention farm stations fiasco with nia; they also captured their leader, Clarke herself, more than once. The wounds were still fresh and it would take time for them to see that not all azgeda were bad and not everything is black and white. Like they have done with Echo, she needs them to come around.

 

 

 

In the last couple days she has allowed the twins time to recover. They have rehydrated and rested as much as she can afford them. They've been provided with trikru clothing and leathers; armour will be provided in polis.

 

 

 

She hasn't requested it, but she is expecting them to bow before Lexa when they get to the Capitol. It is an expectation based on character alone. It feels like an inevitability, one she wants to see, one she  _needs_  to see, to know she was right about them. 

 

 

 

She hasn't gotten to know them well; she hasn't spent much time with them other than popping in to check on their progress. Taking small mental notes during each interaction and committing them to memory.

 

 

 

 She has provided them with a tent, it is by hers but with Octavias between them; though more often than not, when they're at Arkadia without lexa or raven, Clarke and Octavia simply stay in Clarke's tent. That, combined with her training she doesn't fear for their safety in the close proximity to their tent. But She does think keeping the twins at an arms length for obvious reasons right now is a smart call. 

 

 

 

But What she has seen, she likes. 

 

 

 

In her eyes, They are capable of love, she sees it in their actions. They are very considerate and aware of each other. They are highly aware to those around them and she wouldn't be surprised to find they choose their company very selectively. They care, it's obvious in their eyes. 

 

 

 

And their eyes are the single place they seem to differ so far. Beland has gentle eyes, kind and caring in a flurry of chestnut somehow ablaze. 

 

 

 

And Bill, well Bill's eyes are a sullen stormy grey. There's passion, a kind of compassionate ferocity she can't quite understand, but most of all, they're violent. They have ghosts held within them and more than once she catches herself wondering if his eyes used to be as blue as her own. More than once She wonders if her eyes will fade to grey in time as well.

 

 

 

The men have become very in tune with her already even though their time has been limited. They seem to live to please, there's an intensity to air around them. Before they were even deemed healthy enough they had tried to be put to use; she thinks she further impressed them by refusing until they were 100% again. There's respect there that they have freely given and she feels she has yet to earn it.

 

 

 

Now that they are healthy, she must test them. it feels strange passing judgement when she feels like everyone else is constantly teaching her, but it is the only way to move forward from the position she finds herself in with the twins. 

 

 

 

This is her culture now too, it has engrained itself into her core the more she embraced wanheda. This must be done. This is wanhedas duty.

 

 

 

And Clarke would be lying if she said she didn't want to see them in action as well. The twins sort of fascinate her.

 

 

 

She paces around the training ground while she watches them warm up. she keeps her hands tight together behind her back resting on her cloak, right above the blade strapped underneath it to her lower back. Her katana is gently bumping against her right leg as she walks. She watches intently as the twins slowly work out their stiff muscles. 

 

 

 

Before long, they begin to spar against each other with their blades and she can't help but stare in awe. Her pacing slows.

 

 

 

If she thought she and Lexa were in sync, she thinks she may have been mistaken; compared to these two, Lexa and Clarke may as well be two people that have never met before. 

 

 

 

The twins barely look like they are struggling though it is obvious they are giving it their all. Their motions seem effortless but are so powerful. They seem to read each other's mind, each strike blocked and countered without a single pause or break. It dizzying. It's sort of beautifully mesmerizing and it's not long before her head is bobbing and weaving along in their dance to the music of their blades.

 

 

 

They look like Giants but move like the wind. Their size doesn't seem to slow them down, she finds them both incredibly graceful.

 

 

 

She continues her pacing and stops when she is by Octavia and Luna. 

 

 

 

"They are impressive," Luna comments.

 

 

 

"Yes," Clarke agrees, "they are."

 

 

 

"You plan on joining them?" Luna asks.

 

 

 

"Yes, I do. I need to." She replies knowing Luna already knew her answer. Luna can't mask her pride in her eyes and fails to school her small smile as well.

 

 

 

They both know a true leader will test her oathmakers and what better way than in a fight. You can learn a lot about a person in a fight; do they fight dirty, do they fight with honour, are they dedicated enough, do they have courage as well as strength. 

 

 

 

Clarke's main objective will be to find out if they can show mercy, she needs the people fighting for her to be capable of such a thing, but she also needs them to be ruthless where necessary. She may have accepted that she commands death but she refuses to let Clarke's mercy be overshadowed. 

 

 

 

She must be balanced, and so must her people. 

 

 

 

She is well aware that it will take time to know their true nature in regards to mercy. 

 

 

 

Clarke knows well that true mercy is displayed in the moment of action not in practice.

 

 

 

"Clarke, I'm not trying to question wanheda, so consider the following more of a personal question to Clarke, okay?" Octavia says and waits for the nod from Clarke before continuing, "do you think that's wise? Going in to join them? That's like twelve feet of man put together versus all five foot three of you."

 

 

 

Clarke rolls her eyes.   "you're free to go in before me o, but I have to do this."

 

 

 

"And if it's a ploy just to get you close enough to kill you?" Octavia voices her true concern.

 

 

 

"Then you'll rip their throats out," Clarke says calmly. "And Luna will join you." She hides her fear of such a thing well behind her mask. It's a risk she is well aware of.

 

 

 

The older woman grins, "for what it's worth I do not believe it will come to that." She gives a small squeeze to Octavia's shoulder, the younger warrior does not relax.

 

 

 

"I'm going in before you Clarke or with you, Beja."

 

 

 

Clarke eyes her second and best friend before nodding. She knows what would ease her nerves, which are nerves for Clarke's safety and not her own. She makes the choice she know Octavia wants, "We will go together, two on two."

 

 

 

Octavia lets out a nervous breath in relief and nods. 

 

 

 

"Perfect, Octavia you're what? three feet tall? So it'll be eight feet of women versus twelve feet of men," Luna says with mirth, a twinkle in her eye.

 

 

 

"Almost ten feet," Octavia corrects her playing along.

 

 

 

Clarke rolls her eyes, this time harder. "I hate you both."

 

 

 

Luna hums, "You need to work on your lying."

 

 

 

They continue to watch as the brothers spar. They draw no blood and there is little advantage of one over the other. They expel a lot of energy, there is plenty of strength behind their movements and loud grunts escape them on each blow or block.

 

 

 

Aden and Kane make an appearance while they watch on. Clarke can see the intensity in Adens eyes as he watches; she sees Kane lay a comforting hand on his shoulder while they speak in low voices. She nods in silent thanks when Kane catches her eye; he has taken quite a liking to Aden and likewise for the boy. 

 

 

 

They spend a lot of time together when Clarke releases Aden from her charge until she requires him again. Kane has been teaching Aden more about skaikru customs, as well as his own experiences with leadership and decisions he has made both in space and on the ground. The boy soaks it all in, a true student of leadership.

 

 

 

 They have also been bonding over what Aden said was 'man things' she wouldn't understand. When Octavia muttered that it was about zora the boy blushed furiously and threw his cup at her revealing the truth of her words.

 

 

 

In any case, she is eternally grateful to Kane for taking Aden under his wing. It's good for him to have a male influence that's not Titus nor bound to him in anyway. Kane is able to be honest and upfront with the boy in a way that not many ever will. Kane is the few people of skaikru that know Aden is a natblida and they agreed to keep that quiet for the boys safety while away from polis.

 

 

 

Another loud grunt and Clarke's attention is brought back to the brothers sparring. In two brief movements, bill blocks his brothers strike, spins and manages to drop Beland to the ground in a solid pin. He holds his blade to his throat and Clarke is still wondering how neither of them have any cuts or bruises from their intense match. 

 

 

 

There is literally Not a single fresh scratch on either one of them.

 

 

 

Her eyes widen minutely and her skin tingles at just how well trained they are. She ends up quirking her eyebrow and grinning lightly when the brothers start laughing loudly. Belands is a deep soft melody while Bills is something more of a powerful bark.

 

 

 

"We've got next boys," Octavia says with a cocky grin Clarke is certain will be gone soon.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

An hour later and Clarke, Octavia, bill and Beland are all breathing heavily while they  break for water.  The matches were oddly fun for Clarke, her mood is elated. Octavia struggled, her mood is more broody while she nursed her ego.

 

 

 

"You two are very skilled," Clarke compliments as she offers bill a water skin.

 

 

 

He nods graciously and accepts the water, "you as well wanheda. If I'm not mistaken, you have the assassins training?" Then He glances at Luna and nods in her direction, "you float like boat kru as well."

 

 

 

Clarke nods as she wipes her brow, "you would be correct." She internally grins and pats herself on the back for her training shining through. She's not perfect, she doubts she ever will be, but she's very,  _very_  good.

 

 

 

"The small one could use more work," Beland chimes in gesturing with a grin to a kneeling Octavia who scowls. She's nursing a black eye and split lip.

 

 

 

Clarke bested both Beland and bill more than once, she only lost to bill three times. She not upset, she's impressed, she respects skill. Surprisingly, she has no real marks on her from the fights. bill and Beland are deadly precise and though she took forceful hits they were controlled enough not to cause damage. No cuts, just bruises to remind her of where she left herself vulnerable. Once again, she found herself a student.

 

 

 

Her trust in them grew by the minute. She breathed a little easier the longer she spent with them. the more she got to know them, the more they felt like kindred spirits.

 

 

 

They tried to apply the same care and treatment to Octavia during the matches but the girl's temper got the best of her too many times. with her chaotic movements in her temper she ended up cracking her own face off the hilt of Belands sword. Her damage was self inflicted and she was extremely salty about it. 

 

 

 

Clarke smiles but decides to defend her friend, "she lacks patience, she prefers to strike first. I don't blame her after the life she's had." 

 

 

 

Octavia looks up to her blue eyes and nods once in silent gratitude. The small grin she gives her is just icing. 

 

 

 

Clarke looks at the twins and back to Octavia, "your first official duty will be to assist in furthering her training."

 

 

 

It's comical how Instantly the twins nodded and turned to begin instructing Octavia who froze mid gulp of water wide eyed at the bombardment of information.

 

 

"....You need to use your size against your enemies more," bill states.

 

 

"...You need to calm your mind," Beland says. 

 

 

 

"...Slow is smooth and smooth is fast."

 

 

 

"....patience is key."

 

 

 

"....Your speed is not being used to your best advantage."

 

 

 

"Your spirit is strong, there is a beast inside of you, you need to trust it more."

 

 

 

"Trust the spirit, trust yourself," Beland agrees.

 

 

 

"You can continue this afternoon," Clarke cuts them off allowing Octavia to swallow her water. The deer in headlights look on her friends face is greatly satisfying to Clarke though, she thinks she may draw it later as a gift to raven. 

 

 

 

 "I am going to finish off with a run," she says before she turns to Aden who's teaching Kane how to fight with a bow staff. She calls to the boy, "Aden, you'll come with me, Titus is going to murder me if you get out of shape during our trips."

 

 

 

"We will come too." The twins say together. 

 

 

 

Clarke glances at Aden who froze, she nods while she maintains eye contact with the boy.  _If you don't trust them, trust me,_  she silently pleads. She needs to see him take the first step, it's something she feels leadership requires:

 

 

 

A leap of faith. 

 

 

 

"Come on Kane, that means you can show me how to shoot a big gun now," Luna bubbles excitedly waving the group off and pulling the man by the hand. 

 

 

 

Octavia joins the four of them as they bolt through the woods. It feels good to feel the familiar burn of her legs and lungs as she runs. Her mind clears and all she hears is the woods around her, her own breathing and the sounds of their footfalls.

 

 

 

They run for quite a while and Clarke doesn't fail to notice she is flanked by all of them even through the trees may separate them occasionally. She feels safe, an odd occurrence without Lexa's presence around.

 

 

 

(She should have known it wouldn't last.)

 

 

 

 

Suddenly, bill has bolted ahead of the group, his sudden burst of speed almost seeming inhuman. Just as suddenly, Beland has closed the distance to her side and his arm has flashed out in front of her quick to stop her.

 

 

 

"Hod op," Beland whispers, " _something is wrong."_

 

 

 

" _What is this_?" Aden says sternly in a hiss of trig, it's commanding and something Clarke has never heard from him before.

 

 

 

He clenches his jaw when Clarke glares at him, immediately silencing him.

 

 

 

Clarke returns her attention ahead of her, she watches as bill kneels to the ground, his back towards them. 

 

 

 

She pushes at Belands arm who removes it but tries to urge her to hold off while he respects her authority to push him off.

 

 

 

  
_"Stay here_ ," she commands and walks towards the brother.

 

 

 

She silently ghosts over the ground to bill who remains crouched, he glances at her when she comes to look at what he's crouched over.

 

 

 

Her eyes widen and she sucks in a breath,  "how long?" 

 

 

 

"Died an hour ago at most, body is still warm."

 

 

 

 

Clarke nods as she looks at the corpse. It's a member of trikru, a hunter by the looks of his bow and leathers. She can't know who exactly it is as His head is caved in. 

 

 

 

"This was no man that killed him," bill says in a gruff voice. His eyes are up and on the woods around them.

 

 

 

It is then that Clarke takes a proper look at their surroundings. She recognizes the area as she sucks back wind. Did they really come this far?

 

 

 

"We need to go," she says tapping two fingers on bills shoulder to bring him out of his entranced gaze on the woods.

 

 

 

He nods and looks at her but then he stills while remaining in his crouch. He tilts his head and closes his eyes; he sniffs the air slow and deep. Clarke narrows her eyes and swallows. It's oddly familiar, like how she sometimes finds herself smelling for death.

 

 

 

Just as she finishes her thought, bills eyes snap open and he looks at her, "go now."

 

 

 

a second later and she hears the roar.

 

 

 

Her blood runs cold, "you have  _got_  to be kidding me." She curses the universe mentally flipping it off at the same time.

 

 

 

"Wanheda there's time, go now" bill literally growls causing her to do a double take.

 

 

 

Clarke hesitates looking at him. It's clear he intends to stay behind and fight. She swallows and turns to look at the others. She looks from Octavia to Beland and she points at Aden, "Aden you go with them. get him back to Arkadia, now!" 

 

 

 

Beland doesn't have to be told twice to her direct order, he promptly grabs Aden by his collar and drags him into a run while he protests. They make it a few feet before he has no choice but to follow her order. 

 

 

 

"Clarke?" Octavia has hesitated as well, she shakes her head torn on wanting to stay and following her order.

 

 

 

"I'll be fine, look after Aden." Clarke insists turning her back on her friend knowing she'll follow her order and leave. 

 

 

 

"I've done this before," she mutters to herself unsheathing her sword from her hip.

 

 

 

A second later and another roar echoes around the two of them remaining. 

 

 

 

Bill glances at her, there's an odd look of bewilderment on his features. "You've done this before?"

 

 

 

Clarke flexes her grip, "once or twice."

 

 

 

He shakes his head and adjusts his stance as the sound of crashing trees reverberate around them, "I cannot protect you with you here."

 

 

 

"I'm not asking you to," she glares at him.

 

 

 

He shakes his head, and sadly responds, "It is not that beast that you may need protection from."

 

 

 

She swallows at both his tone and his sadness, but before she can respond bill is tending. His muscles convulse, ripples move along his muscles, she hears cracking and painful whimpers as bones break and reform, they stretch and rip as bill shape shifts.

 

 

 

It happens almost in slow motion, before her stands not Bill, but a giant grey wolf.  It stands as big as Ontari's bear and the sight makes Clarke gasp and stumble backwards. 

 

 

 

The wolf turns his head snarling at the sound. 

 

 

 

Clarke raises her hands as she regains her balance but the gesture seems to aggravate the wolf more. She shakes her head as if trying to shake the fear from her. The wolf snaps his jaws and turns slowly to face her, his shoulders are tense, hunched, his eyes are on her blade. 

 

 

 

The sounds of the crashing through the trees is long forgotten as Clarke sees imminent death unless she acts quickly. She snaps her eyes from the wolf to her sword and is quick to flip the blade to a less offensive hold. She keeps her free hand raise as she watches the grey eyes.

 

 

 

She tilts her head as the wolf eases and his snarling quiets to a simple low growl. She narrows her eyes looking closely, "Bill?"

 

 

 

She curses herself for her fearful voice.

 

 

 

The wolf tilts his head and growls in warning. Her eyes are drawn from sharp canines to the stormy grey eyes.

 

 

 

Bills eyes. _It's bill. It's bill,_ she reminds herself. _You watched this happen. You're not dreaming. Get ahold of yourself Clarke._

 

 

 

  
_Breathe_.

 

 

 

She swallows at her mental pep talk and works her jaw nervously as she watches the wolf a second longer. His eyes never leaving the blade in her hand for long.

 

 

 

Suddenly, she thinks she understands his sudden demeanour towards her.

 

 

 

"It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you..." She takes a brave step forward, wincing at the sound of crashing getting closer. "I'm not afraid, I'm not a threat. I'm different too," she says finding her strength. 

 

 

 

The wolf growls again but blinks as if he can understand her. Maybe he can _. It's Bill,_ she reminds herself. She lets out a breath, "I'm different too," she repeats. 

 

 

 

Before she can show him she hears the feral growl, too close to ignore, this is happening now. Her eyes snap to the direction and the giant gorilla comes flying through the trees.

 

 

 

She hears teeth snapping along with branches as she finally sees the threat. The beast is huge, much larger than the one she killed months back protecting Lexa.

 

 

 

The wolf has rounded, sensing a bigger threat than Clarke at the moment, he launches towards the primate. The size and sounds of beasts colliding is shocking to her senses and she feels herself frozen where she stands. The wolf has pinned the pauna against a tree growling and snapping at anything he can reach while the arms of the pauna push against the threat. 

 

 

 

She hears a splitting growl as the wolf lands a bite deep into the bicep in front of his face. The other arm of the beast squeezes loose and grabs tufts of fur before biting down on the shoulder. 

 

 

 

A second later and the wolf is thrown backwards tumbling into a large tree. The pauna charges towards the wolf and Clarke finds her feet in motion. Her hand holds her sword at the ready and her free hand immediately calls the flames.

 

 

 

She hurls a ball of flame at the side of the pauna sending it sideways with force and a painful screech as its fur singes. When it rounds to look at the threat it growls and beats it's chest, she hurls another flame in response with a feral cry of her own. 

 

 

 

The wolf is up and staggering to her side at her actions as they continue forward towards the beast. The pauna launches forward with speed as the wolf speeds up, Clarke runs as well and let's the flames take her, she appears behind the pauna and slices down with her blade between the shoulder blades. The beast arches and howls just as the wolf connects again, biting down on the beast chest and tearing flesh.

 

 

 

 They go flying towards Clarke in their momentum, the blonde can't react quick enough and takes the solid impact of the legs of the pauna. The wind is knocked from her lungs and her head is sent spinning on impact. She winces and frowns as she struggles on her stomach to rise, she falls flat again briefly losing conciousness.

 

 

 

When she comes to there is only one set of growling. She can feel wet breaths on her face before she opens her eyes and sees the long snout leading to grey storms. 

 

 

 

She gasps and tries to scramble as the last few minutes catch up to her. The wolf growls lowly at her reaction but his head tilts. She swallows and clutches at her head as it protests consciousness, "I'm sorry bill. It's okay. I know you're not a threat." She heaves out the words groaning as she feels the overwhelming need to lie back. She gives in to the need and let's her hands fall. "I can't-" she says before she passed out again.

 

 

 

The next time Clarke's eyes flutter open she is graced with a side view of the trees and the forest. Her face is against warm soft furs and she smiles into the soothing feeling before she realizes that the forest is moving.

 

 

 

_No, she's moving._

 

 

 

_No. She's on something that's moving._

 

 

 

More like _someone._

 

 

 

"Bill," she murmurs into the soft fur and gripping the giant wolf around the neck. She tries to lean back to sit up and finds her head swimming once more. She shuts her eyes and decides she's safe enough to rest.

 

 

 

When she wakes later it is to deep low growls beneath her and the sound of voices in the distance.

 

 

 

"Do we shoot it?"

 

 

 

"Shoot and I'll kill you where you stand!" She hears Beland's harsh tone.

 

 

 

"No! Wait! It's Clarke!" Octavia's voice comes clear into Clarke's ears. It's a clear command from her second and it causes Clarke to respond snapping out of her daze.

 

 

 

She jolts and sits back instantly clutching her head in the rush of movement, "Stop! No one fucking shoot anyone!" 

 

 

 

Her yell hurts her head, it sends throbs of pain through her but she glares out into the dusk. She sees the outline of Beland and Octavia coming forward, a few trikru and skaikru arrows and guns pointed their way. 

 

 

 

"Brother," Beland says as the wolf allows his hand to fall on his snout. "Wanheda?" He looks from the wolf to Clarke with an odd look, it's both in awe and confusion.

 

 

 

"Whatever it is ask me later. take me to my tent." She commands and is not shocked when the wolf immediately trots towards her tent. She tries to sit as straight as possible as they pass her people's shocked and somewhat fearful gazes. 

 

 

 

She is unconscious as soon as the wolf enters her tent and Beland pulls her onto her furs.

 

 

 

In her injured state, she dreams of riding into glory upon a giant grey wolf.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't even expect this.


	42. An Origin Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You guys are fan-fucking-tastic.  
> I like how I can be like "so this dude changes into a wolf."  
> And the response I seem to get from you guys is: collective nodding and "sounds legit."
> 
>  
> 
> The discussions and excitement around this series still leave me dumbfounded. I love it.  
> There's a lot happening here, some obvious, some less obvious - you know me.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy my version of grounder mythology here.

 

 

"Clarke."

 

 

 

"No."

 

 

 

"Clarke, you need to wake up honey. Open your eyes."

 

 

 

"No."

 

 

 

A soft chuckle and a gentle hand on Clarke's shoulder have the blonde groaning, "Mom, I love you, but Go. Away." It comes out as a muffled command.

 

 

 

"Nope. Sorry, Wanheda voice or not, I'm still your doctor. Eyes open please; you took a nasty bump." She has Clarke by the shoulders helping her sit up. She ignores Clarke's grunts and groans of protest and she cups her chin and tilts her head. "Eyes open Clarke," she repeats.

 

 

 

Clarke complies while frowning and Abby proceeds to flash a light in to check her pupil response. 

 

 

 

"Good," she says and she feels Clarke's head, the blonde winces when hands hit a particularly sensitive area. "Did she vomit at all?" Her question is directed over her shoulder to who Clarke now sees is Octavia and Luna.

 

 

 

"No, Bill says she just was in and out of consciousness," Octavia answers. 

 

 

 

Abby continues her exam and then helps Clarke lie back down. "Okay, doesn't seem to be too serious of a concussion but keep an eye on her."

 

 

"You got it Abby," Octavia says coming to the bed. "Hungry Clarke? You missed dinner."

 

 

 

She didn't think she was but the stomach growl that answered Octavia disagreed. Her friend grins, "Back in a sec."

 

 

 

Abby helps Clarke adjust on the bed to sit up comfortably. "How long was I out?"

 

 

 

"Couple hours. You'll have a nasty headache off and on I suspect, so I want you to take it easy if at all possible."

 

 

 

 Clarke rubs her head; she thinks the ‘nasty headache’ is an understatement. "Did you check on Bill, he took a bite?"

 

 

 

"His brother and Echo are taking care of it. They should have it cleaned and sutured by now," Luna answers.

 

 

 

Clarke nods as Luna comes to sit on the other side of the bed. "Eventful day," the older woman murmurs dryly settling on the furs, crossing her legs and giving Clarke's thigh a squeeze.

 

 

 

Clarke chuckles as Octavia enters coming with some food and water. “Pretty typical at this point for me,” Clarke concedes.

 

 

 

"Care to tell us what happened out there?" Luna inquires gently.

 

 

 

"Remember that pauna I told you Lexa and I killed?" Luna nods in response.   "Yeah, well I think I met its mate,” Clarke says.

 

 

 

Luna huffs but smiles as she stares down at Clarke, "your luck is terrible you know that? You're a magnet for trouble Clarke Kom Skaikru."

 

 

 

The blonde rolls her eyes and gives Luna a shove, "Tell me something I don't know."

 

 

 

"Lexa is pissed," Octavia offers as she pops some nuts in her mouth.

 

 

 

" _What_?" Clarke frowns

 

 

 

Octavia shrugs, "you said 'tell me something I don't know'"

 

 

 

Clarke shakes her head, "Fuck, you are the worst O. I meant: what? Why is she pissed?" She has to shove Luna again as the older woman chuckles at her current predicament and steals some cheese.

 

 

 

"Because I radioed in and told her you were unconscious but okay." Octavia says plainly giving Clarke a look that says ‘you should already know why’.

 

 

 

Then she rolls her eyes in response to Clarke's answering glare, " _Oh come on_ Griffin, If I hadn't she would have shown up here all broody and worried, you _know_ that." Octavia shrugs. "I guarantee her voodoo commander senses were telling her you had a booboo." She cross her arms and tilts her head in challenge, "Tell me I'm wrong."

 

 

 

She has to duck the flying plate that comes launching at her head as a response. 

 

 

 

"That's besides the point, and does not explain why exactly she is pissed?" Clarke hisses trying to ignore how right Octavia was.

 

 

 

"Well..." Octavia scratches the back of her neck finally showing some nerves,  "I didn't know exactly what happened in the woods and I got as far as telling her you were unconscious but okay and she sort of-- ...well, I think she broke the radio in a rage out."

 

 

 

" _Oh_ , I quite enjoy those," Luna comments unhelpfully.

 

 

 

Clarke sighs and puts two fingers to the bridge of her nose, "Remind me why I keep you around?"

 

 

 

"Listen, it's not my fault your fiancé can be a little-"

 

 

 

"Careful," Clarke warns with a smirk.

 

 

 

"…Temperamental" Octavia finishes with a smirk of her own before downing her drink. 

 

 

"This word fee-yawnts, I don't know it." Luna inquires with a tilt of her head.

 

 

 

Clarke grins at her mentor and friend, "First, it's _fiancé_ and second, it's an old world term used for your intended."

 

 

 

Luna contemplates for a moment while she tests the word out. She hums, "I like it."

 

 

 

Clarke munches on some berries and cheese she kept in her hand happily as the discussion in the tent takes off from there.

 

 

 

Eventually, she cuts back in as the memory of what happened in the woods becomes clearer now that she’s fully awake. "So... Bills a wolf? _Wolvau_ isn't _just_ a warrior title..."

 

 

 

"Sha, I would not believe it if I hadn’t seen it but it seems the legends are true," Luna says. "I thought all of the old spirits had died out of the red blood long ago."

 

 

 

"What are you talking about?" Octavia asks.

 

 

 

"The old spirits?"  Clarke inquires as well.

 

 

 

"Sha, according to our spirit lore and legend, it was not always that only natblidas were gifted with fast healing and unique blood," Luna tells them. "Many, many years ago some redblida had shown true gifts as well; their stories are often tragic though. Bill may very well be the last of his kind."

 

 

 

"What spirits provide the redbloods with gifts?" Octavia asks curiously putting two and two together.

 

 

 

 

"The great spirits of the ground; The land, the water and the wind, or as they are also known as _Kom_ _Granoumon_ , _Kom_ _Noumon_ and _Kom_ _Yongon_." _The grandmother, the mother and the child,_ Luna explains.  "You know that Natblida are connected to people and souls as well as the spirits? Well, the redblida are said to be connected only to the spirits." The older woman continues.

 

 

 

Clarke nods along; she understands the natblida connection on a better level than most but the redblida legend is new to her. She is extremely interested. 

 

 

 

"So Bill’s gift comes from which spirit?" She finds herself asking.

 

 

 

Luna smiles sadly, "I think that question should be directed at him. It is not my place to comment on which I know only legend of. The last redblida that was said to have a gift according to my knowledge died when I was just fifteen summers."

 

 

 

Clarke picks a seed out of her tooth and nods furrowing her brow; Luna’s right, if she wants to know more about Bill she must ask the source. Trust and respect must go both ways. She owes him a chance to tell her his story rather than her find out via the grape vine and from second sources.

 

 

 

"I will say, seeing you come back into camp on his back was... What's the word Octavia?" Luna smiles cheerfully adjusting the pillow behind her back.

 

 

 

"Badass."

 

 

 

"Right,” Luna nods affirmatively before looking to Clarke, “it looked badass."

 

 

 

"Oh fuck yeah, me in all my unconscious glory, I'm sure it looked _awesome_." Clarke quips dryly.

 

 

* * *

 

 

A day later, Clarke still has not been able to inquire with the brothers. She's been too busy battling her headaches and dealing with trivial matters around the compound before they need to leave again.

 

 

 

Octavia has begun her training with the twins along with Aden, who occasionally joins in when Clarke dismisses him. The boy has come around to the former Azgedakru; after being brought back to camp by Beland and Clarke returning on Bill’s back, the boy had no choice but to agree they could be trusted. Between all that and training with them he and Octavia have both been learning a lot and trusting them more and more.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, Clarke has no chance to speak with the twins until they are on route to polis. She leaves the camp in a smaller party this time, just the six of them. They're looking for a place to set their camp for the night. Clarke rides with Beland and Luna on either side of her, while Bill scouts locations a few yards ahead in wolf form. Octavia follows close behind with Aden. 

 

 

Clarke watches Bill from this distance curiously. The man has been in and out of the wolf since they left the compound. She assumes it is because she now knows his true form; there is trust there, a new level that wasn’t there before. He seems more comfortable walking around in his second skin around their small group now.

 

 

 

 _"What is it_?" Clarke asks when she catches Beland eyeing her for the fifteenth time since they last stopped for water.

 

 

 

" _Your mind is in constant motion_ ," Beland says as they ride on. "From the moment we met, I have noticed."

 

 

 

Clarke tilts her head as she takes him in. "How do you know that?"

 

 

 

He looks away and shrugs, "You do not hide it as well as you think you do."

 

 

 

Clarke gives him a small grin on her next glance. She pauses and considers him a moment, she feels powerless at the burning question that leaves her lips, "Why did you look at me the way you did when I returned to camp with Bill the other day?"

 

 

 

He hesitates; she knows he will answer a blatant question from her like it is a duty unless she specifies that he must not answer if he chooses. So she simply waits as he considers his answer.  

 

 

 

He shrugs nonchalantly again, "No one rides Wolvau."

 

 

 

 She narrows her eyes, _no, there's more to it than that_ , she thinks. That was only a partial truth.

 

 

 

"I didn't really have much of a choice seeing how I was unconscious," she says dryly. She glances at him again, "You looked like you were surprised yes, but it was more than that..." She presses gently.

 

 

 

Beland shakes his head slightly and sighs. "…If you ask him you will understand the look I gave you; I may be connected to it but it is not my story to tell."

 

 

 

"I don't want to force him to tell me." Clarke says picking up on how sensitive this topic seems.

 

 

 

"Then don't Wanheda." The brother responds with a pointed look. 

 

 

 

Clarke waits a beat before she nods in understanding. Beland is telling her to trust them, that Bill will open up to her about their past in his own time.

 

 

Her limited knowledge of the spirits Luna mentioned keep her in the dark just enough that she can see the light; in other words, she's so fucking curious she feels like Kai. _Ugh,_ there’s that nasty need for patience again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

A few hours later and night has fallen. Their tents are set up, Clarke, Luna and Octavia are sharing one, Aden has his own and Bill and Beland will be in another. Right now, they are all sitting around the fire while they eat. Clarke is sharpening her various blades, she is meticulous in her movements. She is also failing to keep her eyes as focused as her hands, they keep drifting on to Bill who reclines not far from her against a stump.

 

 

After a while Bill speaks. "You are right about her mind brother, constant motion; it is distracting." Bill says to his brother and gesturing lazily at Clarke.

 

 

 

The blonde purses her lips but continues with her current blade. She catches a faint knowing smile from Beland at her reaction.

 

 

 

Bill sighs and runs a hand through his beard. He watches Clarke a few more moments, "You won't ask?"

 

 

 

Clarke doesn't look up, "No. I trust you will tell me when you deemed I have earned to hear your story. I do not wish to know by demanding it."

 

 

 

"Hmm," Bill hums in response stroking his beard again. He appears to be considering her, maybe even making his decision right then.

 

 

 

"Bill stop torturing her; and look what you're doing to the small one, she can barely chew her food she's listening so hard." Beland says clapping his brother in the back with a lofty grin.

 

 

 

Bill barks in laughter as Octavia promptly begins chewing the piece of meet that had been sitting idle in her mouth. "But where do I begin," he muses as he again strokes his beard.

 

 

 

"The beginning," his brother says with a stiff nod and a meaningful look.

 

 

 

Bill sighs, "Do you know of the great spirits Wanheda?"

 

 

 

"Not enough." Clarke replies honestly trying to contain her enthusiasm. "Just from the little I have read and what Luna told me, which is very little. I know there are three," she continues, "the land, the water and the wind; but I know nothing beyond that."

 

 

 

Bill smiles and nods at Luna saluting her with his cup, "Okay, so this will be a bit of my story and the origin of the spirits who guide all of us…” he sips his drink before continuing.

 

 

 

“Our belief is that when the world burned all that remained was the land which was strongest, the water which was purest and the wind which was bravest. These which remained called out to all the lost souls of the world; the people, the animals, the toxic elements that were burned or broken; they drew them in collectively, stored them, absorbed them, kept them safe and would continue this pattern for years to come."

 

 

 

Bill takes another sip of his water before continuing; the group has fallen very silent while they listen. The only sounds in his break of story are the cracklings of the fire.

 

 

 

"They collect those lost even now to return to their maker; all those that cannot be returned to a new life because their deaths were self inflicted or where bodies are separated; heads torn from their body and not burned together." He looks intently at Clarke, "Have you ever wondered what happened to a soul when they cannot be reincarnated? Did you not wonder about Heda’s lover’s fate after her untimely death?"

 

 

 

"I…" Clarke pauses as the realization sinks in. She knew it was a huge show of disrespect and a form of punishment in the afterlife if your head is not burned with your heart but she had no further thought on it than that. She bites her lip and blinks back tears threatening to spill as she thinks about Costia. She shakes her head minutely in dismay; it never occurred to her that Nia had gone a step further in her torture of Lexa and her first love and prevented Costia from ever returning again. She never realized Nia ripped away not only the life Costia had with Lexa but her next life as well. 

 

 

 

She hears Wanheda growl in her head; Clarke's never had a day where she regrets killing Nia, but right now, she wishes she were alive so she could do it again... and this time slower. More painful.

 

 

 

Octavia's hand lands on her shoulder rubbing gently to comfort her. Clarke takes a breath and snaps out of it, "...I didn't know. I- please Bill, tell me what happens to them. Why do the spirits collect the lost souls?"

 

 

 

"So they can become spirits themselves if worthy. So that they can become _gifts_ to the world they left behind. So that they may find peace… It's not life, it will never be life again but it is something powerful."

 

 

 

“So the land, the water or the wind spirits grant some redblida gifts?” Clarke asks.

 

 

 

“Some. Those that require it, those that demonstrate the characteristics of whatever spirit chooses them. Some are born that way while others develop it.” Beland answers this time. His glance flickers between Clarke and Octavia before landing on his brother again.

 

 

 

"And your gift comes from which spirit?" Octavia pipes up to ask Bill, unable to control herself any longer.

 

 

 

“I am _Wolvau,_ my spirit guide is the land, _kom_ _granoumon_.”

 

 

 

 

“And how did you discover that you were chosen? How do you know all of this in such detail?” Luna asks curiously. "You are not much older than I am and I do not know the lore nearly as well."

 

 

 

 

Beland sighs and Bill rolls his neck with a huff. “From the beginning,” Beland reminds him. Bill nods.

 

 

 

 

“We were not born Azgedakru,” Bill reveals. “We were born thirty-three winters ago to the Glowing Forest. Our grandfather was the village shaman, he could communicate with the great spirits. He told us of the origins in hopes that one of us would carry on in his place when his fight ended but neither of us showed the gift…not then.” His voice trails off and his eyes darken as he stares at the fire. Clarke can see the ghosts haunting him as his mind drifts back to memory.

 

 

 

“You must understand that though he was highly respected, he was feared like any who displayed or professed to have ‘gifts’ or could communicate with the spirits. When we were seven our village was attacked in the dead of night; we watched Azgedakru invade from our grandfather’s secluded house high in the trees. We watched our grandfather try to help our people before he was cut down... That is the night the spirit of _kom granoumon_ showed itself to me. That was the night I became _Wolvau.”_

 

 

 

“He shifted before my eyes and launched himself from our hiding spot. He was a tiny wolfpup then but the damage he caused was no small feat,” Beland explains gruffly, his hand on his brother's shoulder.

 

 

 

“I did what I had to do," Bill says much the same way. He shakes his head and sighs before adding, "I also did what I did not need to do."

 

 

 

Beland nods and squeezes his hand on his shoulder. “He killed many enemies before I could even get down to the forest to help...” Beland swallows thickly, clearly haunted as well by the memory as well, “...By the time I arrived it was too late.”

 

 

 

He sighs painfully but Bill continues for him. 

 

 

 

“It is difficult to drown your instincts when in another form. The call of the beast is strong and can easily overpower the person. It was my first time shifting, I didn’t understand what happened until it was all over and Beland found me in the woods the next day as I had failed to turn back into a boy. I was frightened for what I was; I had killed many, enemies ...some friends and neighbours," he swallows, "Our remaining family. Beland was the only one who could reach me to bring back the boy.”

 

 

 

“You lost your entire village?”

 

 

 

“Just about,” Beland tells them. “The next day we tried to return to help rebuild but the damage was done. They knew what Bill was. They shunned us, hunted us, tried to kill us. Blamed us for Azgeda's attack even though we were at war.”

 

 

 

"They just needed someone to blame," Bill adds as if it makes their actions hurt less. She can clearly see that his scars run as deep as her own, maybe even deeper.

 

 

 

“You didn’t know how to control your gift,” Clarke says, “They held it against you? That's not right.”

 

 

 

“If you lost control and killed your own people would those remaining so easily forgive?” Bill asks hotly, a slight raging despair in his eyes. “We cannot blame them, we are not the first to be pushed out of a clan for being a spirit wielder and we won’t be the last. That’s why so few redblida spirit wielders exist now, most of us are on the run, in hiding, captured or dead.” He throws a small branch into the fire somewhat spitefully.

 

 

 

“Gifts can become crutches, they can become _addictive,_ entrapping you in the spirits power if not treated with care. People often go crazy in fear of themselves or mad with powerlust. You must have balance, you have to find a way to keep connected to your human side or lose yourself to either half of you forever,” Bill says sadly. “For me, I find it easier if I spend time in each form at least once a day; I try not to leave either half forgotten for long. Otherwise, the fate you have is death of half of who you are. For example, that pauna that attacked us, used to be a man.”

 

 

 

 _“Wait,_ what? That pauna _used_ to be a man?” Clarke chokes out, her blade sharpening momentarily forgotten.

 

 

 

Bill nods, “It is hard to recognize another wielder unless you know what you are looking for. But yes, that beast _used_ to be a man once, he either ran or was shunned, he must have been in hiding and over the years the beast took his body, mind and heart for good.”

 

 

 

“So that’s why you almost snapped at me when you shifted? A wolf's primal instincts?”

 

 

 

Bill nods again, “Whichever form you are in the instincts take over.” He tilts his head and glances at Beland, “No one has ever been able to calm me down like that before, no one has been able to contact the man inside -- _no one_ but Beland. When I am found as a wolf people usually react aggressively, they see a threat so they become one. They kill and ask questions later so often that the wolf will do the same unless Beland is near me to remind me who I am. It cannot be stressed enough, the fact that I did not hurt you is slightly shocking. I have never found balance outside of my brother before.”

 

 

 

“Beland provides your balance?”

 

 

 

“Sha, in more ways than one. It is not just our love for each other -- he is gifted by the wind, by _kom_ _yongon_.”

 

 

 

Beland nods, “That is why I looked at you the way I did when you returned on his back. I have never seen him be that comfortable with anyone, _even I_ have never ridden on his back. It is rare that he allows me to touch any part of him but his snout in that form. Typically, I must use my gift to communicate with the man trapped inside the beast’s form.”

 

 

 

“The wind? So you can whisper into minds?” Luna cuts in and bubbles excitedly looking around the group. "I thought that type of gift was a myth!"

 

 

 

"You thought it was all myth and legend a couple days ago," Octavia says rolling her eyes.

 

 

 

Beland laughs at the exchange. “Sha, I can whisper in your mind and hear your mind’s whispers but I try to avoid abusing such a gift. It is obtrusive and I try to respect people's boundaries. The mind is a dangerous place to spend time in, especially if not your own. Though I don’t change my physical form, the pull of such power is strong and if I give in to it I too will lose the man I am.”

 

 

 

Clarke nods along. She understands what he means; she has the same very real pull from both Wanheda and the flames. She wonders what spirit provided her with such a gift.

 

 

 

She wonders if she stole it.

 

 

 

“Can I see, I mean- can you do it on me,” Octavia asks excitedly to Beland. “Hold on, let me think of something.”

 

 

 

Beland looks at her a moment, Clarke watches his chestnut eyes glow against the firelight. He tilts his head and laughs loudly, “That’s profanity I have never heard before!”

 

 

 

Octavia cackles whole-heartedly and refuses to reveal what she was thinking. Not long after their party around the fire begins to dwindle. Octavia, Luna and Aden retire to their tents.

 

 

 

"Your mind is still going," Beland comments. "And no, I did not have to listen to know that."

 

 

 

Clarke smiles at him, "I was just wondering how I came to hold the flames."

 

 

 

He considers her a moment, "There is a way I can help you figure it out. But first, why do you think you have such a gift."

 

 

 

Clarke pauses. "It's connected to Lexa, to our souls...who we were before the world burned."

 

 

 

Beland nods and gets up to come closer. He kneels in front of Clarke, "Our grandfather spoke of such a gift being given once and only once. The fact that the gift seems to have returned tells me you would be correct. May I?" he asks raising his hands to either side of her head and hovering.

 

 

She furrows her brow but nods once. "It's easier to listen for the spirits and souls of Natblida if I have contact," he explains. 

 

 

"Ontari?"

 

 

He nods, "hush now Wanheda this should not hurt."

 

 

 

He's right it doesn't hurt. 

 

 

 

 _But it is painful_. It feels like her heart is shattering over and over as her eyesight is stolen only to be replaced with vivid images of her past life.

 

 

 

 _She see's Alex._ She sees every image she ever had from her dream memories of Claire and almost in even more detail. _She watches Alex leave. She experiences the world ending. She feels the flames as Claire, the painful burn that encompassed her soul for the very first time and taking her on to find Alex in their next life_.

 

 

 

Her head jerks in Beland's hands but she can barely feel the movement. The images shift, they blur and come back as new images. Images she's never seen before. Images she doesn't understand. _She's standing in a gigantic smouldering crater. All around her a city she doesn't recognize burns._ The image changes.  _She's holding a handgun with ease, she's hanging on to a warm hand and running as fast as she possibly can._ The image changes, _she's creeping through an empty house and as she turns the corner the smell of death grabs hold, she retches to the floor as a stumbling, mangled, half eaten form comes at her. The sight and low growl startle her, she screams and falls backwards._

 

 

 

In the here and now, Clarke shouts,  _"NO!"_  Instantly, she's ripping Beland's hands off of her and standing. She stumbles backwards trying to catch her breath. "What did you do to me? What was that?" she demands clutching her head.

 

 

 

He looks at her with wide eyes but he makes no move towards her, he raises his hands, "You _are_ Heda Kom Faete."

 

 

 

"No shit, I mean what was the end bit there - I've never seen that before!" She shakes her head again as the nightmare comes back, "What was that!"

 

 

 

"It is your spirits path."

 

 

 

"No it's definitely not because the Alex and Claire stuff happened in the past and _that_  - that did not _look_ or _feel_ like the past!"

 

 

 

He nods slowly, carefully weighing his words. "I cannot say for sure but I believe it is the combination of both present and future. _You will_ experience those things, they have and have not yet come to pass."

 

 

 

"Beland that cannot be true. You don't honestly think... -another world really?"

 

 

 

"Or another timeline, she is here but the spirit is also there." the brother says glancing at Bill before returning his gaze to Clarke.

 

 

 

"How is that possible? I'm here now," she cuts in.

 

 

 

"It is possible because it is Heda Kom Faete's path. You are more powerful than you know. I cannot give you the details, I can only whisper to the spirit and the soul. We can...try again if you would like," He offers.

 

 

 

Clarke swallows and shakes her head. "No. No thanks, I don't want to experience that...whatever it was again - if ever."

 

 

 

"You may not have a choice."

 

 

 

Clarke chooses to ignore that, she has enough to worry about right now than adding that nightmare of whatever life that was - or will be.

 

 

 

She comes to grab some water and downs it slowly until the cup is empty. It doesn't really help. She sighs and returns to her seat to catch her breath and nerves. She pushes the images from her mind as she continues her motions to sharpen her remaining blade.

 

 

 

“So there are more like you out there?” Clarke finally asks the twins putting her final blade away. Every edge on her is sharp and deadly once more.

 

 

 

Bill nods, “More than you may think and less than _we_ may think probably.”

 

 

 

“How did you end up in Azgedakru? If they attacked your village why go to them?”

 

 

 

Beland sighs, “We remained on the run together for a year; eventually, we ended up in Azgeda territory. We heard whispers that more like us were being accepted there so there is where we went.”

 

 

 

“We just wanted to belong somewhere again.”

 

 

 

Again, Clarke nods in understanding. She too has felt like that and she knows Octavia has constantly felt like that until she found a home with TriKru.

 

 

 

“So it seems Nia had more hidden with her than just a gifted natblida.”

 

 

 

“And Ontari has continued her predecessors work.” Beland reveals.

 

 

 

“She’s been accepting more and more of us since the Ice Queen died. The task to find more gifted redblida was set on us and a few others; Beland because he can find the secrets hidden in your mind, he can see your spirit guide if it's there; and me, I think I was chosen because I have sharp persuasive teeth,” Bill says with a small grin flashing his canines that Clarke only notices now seem less than human.

 

 

 

“So you can find others? _Fuck,_ she’s probably more than pissed that you guys have defected.”

 

 

 

The twins laugh, “Sha, she most definitely is.”

 

 

 

“Thank you for telling me your story.”

 

 

 

The twins consider her a moment before Beland speaks. "We can do the same for you you know? We can find others. _Some_ _are probably right under your nose._.."

 

 

Clarke considers this at his tone, it feels like he's trying to tell her something without actually saying it. She takes a beat before shaking her head, "I don't want to force anyone out into the open. This is not their war, they have run or are hiding for a reason. What do they owe the people who sent them running?"

 

 

Bill shakes his head with a small smile, "True, but some just need to find the correct people, the people that accept them for who they are. People like you. Plus, some are not hiding or running at all, some are simply searching for themselves. Some do not even know the spirit within themselves yet."

 

 

"Well if that's true by all means, help them see it, but no, I will not command you to find others like yourselves."

 

 

"You are a strange type of leader Wanheda. More heart than brains sometimes I think," Beland says knowingly smiling.

 

 

"You wouldn't be the first,” she adds getting up and heading to her tent. 

 

  

"I would bet not," he comments cheerfully. “Reshop Wanheda.”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact 1: Some people requested more Clexa loving  
> Fun fact 2: I understood that as 'Clexa sin'
> 
> Anyways, those in thirst, sin is coming soon. 
> 
>  
> 
> (Pun intended.)


	43. A Surprise of a Different Kind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of fluffy bunny city but also a bit of plot/full circle type shit cuz I do the most.
> 
> ...No sin yet because honestly it did not feel right in here.
> 
> *dodges various items being thrown*

 

Obviously, Clarke didn't sleep as much as she would have liked that night.

 

 

 

She was bombarded with nightmares spanning what she can only assume is three lives, three different timelines, different worlds: Claire’s, her own and whatever the fuck Beland showed her. She wakes startled and sweaty throughout the night to the point where she rises before the rest unwilling to try to sleep again.

 

 

 

The sun won’t be up for another hour or so she judges as she greets Bill, who was on his current watch, and then she dips down to the nearby stream to bathe.

 

 

 

The rest of their trip goes very smoothly. At the crack of dawn they are packed up and moving onwards toward Polis. The small party follows Bill, who’s once again in wolf form. They’ve all been thoroughly entertained most of the day when he can’t resist his instincts and tries to snap at a bird or squirrel they come across. The mood in the party is very light and comfortable the entire day.

 

 

 

 

Despite her rough night of sleep (or lack there of), Clarke is extremely excited to be heading home. She can't contain the grin that keeps growing each time she thinks of getting to hold Lexa in her arms again. She misses her touch, her strength, her warmth, the way she says her name, _everything_.

 

 

 

 

By mid afternoon the rolling landscape has tapered off back into the woods. Soon they would be able to see the city walls. Lexa asked her to use the flames when she got back within safe distance and she had every intention of doing so once they could see the walls and she knew the party would make it in safely.

 

 

 

However, before they can get that far, as the trees begin to grow sparser Bill halts them with a warning look and low growl. Clarke and Beland are the only ones to ride ahead, closer to his side.

 

 

 

"What is it?" Her question is to both of them but she knows Beland is the one who will answer after he hears Bill’s mind. Whatever he’s sensing Clarke can’t hear it, see it or smell it.

 

 

 

"A noise he's never heard before, a rumble."

 

 

 

Clarke furrows her brow and glances back to Luna and Octavia, "a rumble?"

 

 

 

They both shrug.

 

 

 

“I think I may hear it too,” Octavia answers tilting her head and scrunching up her face as if she’s not sure, her sentence went up at the end as if it were a question. Clarke furrows her brow before looking back to Beland. She hesitates before walking Daedalus forward. 

 

 

 

"Wanheda?"

 

 

 

"If I can't hear it or see it how can I know what it is?" She throws over her should and continues moving. She sounds a lot braver than she feels at this particular moment.

 

 

 

 

Several minutes later and she too hears the strange sound. She closes her eyes trusting Daedalus to lead her through the trees while she preens her ears to listen better.

 

 

 

Clarke tilts her head in surprise, "no way!"

 

 

 

She kicks Daedalus forward without an explanation. She knows they'll follow. Bill has already darted out with speed to join her. He doesn’t go ahead, he remains close beside her.

 

 

 

She grins wide when she is able to see the city walls and the open field outside it.

 

 

 

Clarke speeds her horse up as she sees the source of the rumble, "Raven," she whispers through her smile watching the Rover speed around and tear up the open field.

 

 

 

She smiles as Octavia realizes what's happening, the woman shouts excitedly and tries to catch up. Clarke and Bill gain on the machine first; the blonde is now smiling freely as the wind burns her eyeballs. It feels good. Daedalus is breathing hard beneath her as she works her legs and rides hard. Her thighs burn in a satisfying way and she can even hear laughter escaping her lips that she didn’t consciously create.

 

 

 

She sees a red leather jacket sleeve and brown hand exit the driver window to promptly flip the bird at her before the engine revs louder in a new burst of speed. She rolls her eyes and kicks again into a new head of speed herself, she gains on the machine again and she laughs as she sees the hand go back to the steering wheel when Raven narrowly swerves to avoid a big boulder. She pulls to the right; Clarke pulls to the left to avoid it.

 

 

 

A second later, the rover begins to slow. Clarke can hear yelling in the cab. She slows too and comes closer as she sees the hatch thrown open. A second more and she sees someone attempting to get out. All she can see are hands poking out of the hole trying to grab hold.

 

 

 

" _Hod op! Stop!_ " She hears a shout from the cab.

 

 

 

“Traitor!” she hears a playful shout back.

 

 

 

Clarke beams when she recognizes the voices. She slows even more with the machine as she comes up beside it just in time to see Kai finally pull herself out of the hatch. Like a tiny monkey she maneuvers easily onto the roof, Clarke has a split second to react as Kai leaps from the moving vehicle.

 

 

 

" _Noumon_!"

 

 

 

Clarke swears she hears the girl squeal before she lets out a soft grunt as she lands in Clarke’s arms atop Daedalus. The blonde freezes for a second as the word sinks in; her breath hitches and her blue eyes go from excited to a calm, peaceful loving gaze as she connects with Kai’s ice blue orbs. There’s a heavy moment of stillness as she sees Kai’s smile is back, her real smile, the one that touches her eyes and Clarke’s heart. Her eyes flicker back and forth between Kai’s as if she’s searching for something, as if she’s trying to find out if she truly heard what she did, or simply what she _wanted_ to.

 

 

 

A second later and Clarke feels like she may float away when Kai says, “ _Noumon Clarke”_ before she pulls herself closer to hug Clarke properly. Her legs are around her waist, arms around her neck keeping her in place. Clarke’s clutching to her just as much in return. She has one hand on the back of her head and she’s breathing in deep; Lexa was right, she does smell good.

 

 

The intensity of the moment is not lost on the blonde (or anyone else present); it’s not overwhelming. It’s as natural as breathing; as satisfying as saving the world, she thinks.

 

 

 

Clarke sucks in an emotional breath as her mind replays this moment she’s still in more than once in her head. She squeezes her so tight she thinks she may break her. 

 

 

"You're back," she whispers into Kai’s ear and it has nothing to do with anyone being physically absent. There are tears in her eyes and she's not sure when they appeared.  “ _Ai yongon, yu laik hir.” My child, you are here._

 

 

 

What doesn't surprise her is the nodding in understanding to her comment. The connection Kai makes to her statement is instant. "Sha, _Noumon_ _Lexa_ helped me get to know my monster. Kai is back." As if to emphasize that fact Kai squeezes tighter around her neck.

 

 

 

Clarke shakes slightly as she lets out a weird mix of laughter and happy sobbing at the absurdity of the conversation and the gleeful feeling that's overtaking her. She lets it sink in as she clutches to this tiny form in her arms; she was called mother and what’s more, Lexa, Heda of the coalition, was called mother in the same sentence where reference to the alter ego all Heda’s have was made. 

 

 

 

She hugs the girl even closer, closing her eyes and soaking it all in. She half sobs, half laughs again. _This is my life now_ , she thinks in slight dismay. She can’t believe how much everything has changed since she first fell to Earth.

 

 

 

She never expected to find love like she has. Sure, it was hard fought to capture and harder to keep, but she’s got it and she never wants to let it go. She’s certain she will never be able to -- she knows she’s way to fucking stubborn for that.

 

 

 

She never expected to find her soulmate. She never expected to step up into her newfound self as much as she has. She never expected to be a mother to her people. She never expected to step in to mother a child that desperately needed and _wanted_ that affection and guidance.

 

 

 

She never expected to be as desperate as she feels to return it.

 

 

 

She never expected to find a sense of stability in an unstable world. She never expected love to be that stability.

 

 

 

Clarke then finds herself laughing very loudly at it all and Kai begins to join her in giggles more from excitement of Clarke returning than anything else. 

 

 

 

Raven has hopped out of the cab now. A second later and Octavia leapt into her arms, legs around her waist and hugging her tight. "I missed you!"

 

 

 

"Missed you too babe," Raven replies steadying herself on her good leg with the unexpected weight before finishing with a kiss to her cheek. Clarke watches a second too long and immediately regrets it.

 

 

 

"Gross," Kai giggles in disgust as they then proceed to suck the air out of each other's lungs. 

 

 

 

"I agree," Clarke says adjusting Kai so she can grab the reins again. “Let’s go home, there’s someone else I am very eager to see.” She turns Daedalus around and she hears Kai's gasp in her ear. The girl releases her hold on Clarke’s neck and shifts allowing her to sit better on the saddle, her back now to Clarke's front.

 

 

 

"You brought home a pet?" The girl asks curiously, unable to contain the excitement in her voice. She’s staring intently at the wolf who hung back with Aden, Beland and Luna.

 

 

 

Beland chuckles when he hears her question as Clarke comes closer to the men. Beland glances at Bill who huffed at her comment. Aden and Luna smirk loftily at the exchange.

 

 

 

"He would make a terrible pet," Beland says coyly matching pace with Clarke’s horse.

 

 

 

"What's his name?"

 

 

 

"Bill."

 

 

 

Kai scrunches her face at that and glances behind her to Clarke, "That's a terrible name for a wolf."

 

 

 

Clarke laughs, "I agree, but I didn't name him."

 

 

 

"Did you?" Kai asks Beland. 

 

 

 

"No child I did not," The man chuckles.

 

 

 

"Then how do you know his name?"

 

 

 

"He told me," Clarke answers enjoying teasing the girl. 

 

 

 

"He talks?" She looks back at the wolf and narrows her eyes. Her head tilts thoughtfully, "You're special aren't you.” She glances at Clarke, “You can see it in his eyes.” She looks back at the wolf, “Will you talk to me? You can trust me."

 

 

 

The wolf tilts his head and howls in response. 

 

 

"What did he say?" 

 

 

 

"He said you're nosy," Clarke says pinching the girl’s side and causing a fresh wave of giggles. 

 

 

 

Bill let out another noise, it sounded oddly like his human laugh: half laugh, half bark.  

 

 

 

The remaining ride back to the city is noisy with conversation, the sound of the horse’s hooves and the sound of the Rover rumbling behind them. 

 

 

 

Clarke watches as Octavia skips her mare ahead and rounds to shout a challenge at Raven, "try to keep up!"  And with that, the girl and her chestnut steed are off like a shot. 

 

 

Raven revs the engine and flies forward after her. Kai and Clarke giggle excitedly as Bill runs after the rover snapping his teeth at the tires. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

As they head towards the main gate to the city Clarke glances at Beland and back to Kai. She pauses unsure whether to divulge this information, it’s not hers to reveal. She focuses her mind and tries to call to Beland through her thoughts; she hopes he hears her mind’s whisper.

 

 

A few moments of unrelenting mental shouts at Beland and the man finally turns to glance at her. He grins.

 

_Something on your mind Wanheda?_ She hears his voice whispering in her head.

 

 

 _It is up to him to come into the city as wolf or man. I will not make this choice. He may make it public knowledge when he feels comfortable, if ever. I will not stand in his way on either decision._ She replies in a thought.

 

 

Beland nods in response and she knows he will do the same mental voodoo with his brother. She enjoys the rest of the trip to the city reveling in the company she currently kept and watching the Rover and Octavia disappear inside the city walls.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Once inside the city they have stabled their horses and are heading into the tower. Bill has chosen to remain in wolf form, Clarke knows he will change back once the curious eyes have lifted and he's got some privacy. The city stares intently as they move, the crowd parts for them easily as the wolf leads the group. Clarke is certain that Beland is whispering in his head keeping him calm and connected to the man inside. Balanced under the intense stare of the populace.

 

 

 

After all, they can’t blame the curious looks and crowd that gathers. It's not everyday Wanheda returns with a giant grey wolf in her party.

 

 

 

She wanted polis to know the wolf walks with Wanheda so they would not fear him so she doesn’t mind Bill’s choice at all. However, knowing how the reaction to Bill being a spirit weirder could be ugly she has given him leave to choose when to make that reveal. She won’t even be the one to tell Lexa, it’s not her story and she will respect that.

 

 

 

The first stop she decides to make is to show Beland and Bill to a private room. She leaves them be and tells them to find her upstairs when they are ready. She knows this is where Bill will make his shift back to the man before coming before Lexa.

 

 

 

She's got Kai by the hand as they greet the guards in the tower. 

 

 

 

"Where's Lexa?" Clarke asks Kai and Raven.

 

 

 

"She said she had some things to take care of, she should be in the throne room." Raven answers with her arm slung over Octavia’s shoulders.

 

 

 

"Well, I'm not needed up there but I do need a stiff drink. I’ll see you later." Luna comments veering off towards the kitchens without waiting for a reply. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Clarke is bubbly as the lift opens to release the four of them. Kai is enthusiastically talking her ear off about the many different aspects to the Rover. Octavia is asking Raven what she did to Kai, accusing her that she sounds too much like the mechanic. 

 

 

 

“Wanheda,” the guards at the end of the hall greet her. “Mounin houm.” _Welcome home._

 

 

 

Clarke says hello back and hushes her friends outside the throne room. "She might be busy."

 

 

 

"She's not," Clarke hears Lexa through the door.

 

 

 

The blonde smiles as she pushes the door open and enters the room. Lexa is not far from the door, Clarke can tell she was obviously pacing. The blonde lets go of Kai’s hand and rushes into her arms. Immediately the women let out a breath together as they feel their world righted again. Without words and only through touch and feel all is communicated easily.

_You’re home. You’re safe. You’re here._

 

 

 

"You were supposed to use the flames," Lexa whispers into soft blonde hair and running her hands up and down Clarke’s back.

 

 

 

"Yeah, I got a little distracted with the Rover." Clarke replies as she tries to pull Lexa even closer. It's not really possible but it feels like it is. She never quite feels like she's close enough and she both loves and hates that feeling.

 

 

 

"You ruined my surprise little bird," Lexa glares over Clarke's shoulder at the mechanic.

 

 

 

"Me?" Raven puts the hand that's not slung over Octavia shoulder to her chest. " I wasn't expecting them for another few hours yet. It's not my fault my badass ride and your kid distracted the poor woman!" 

 

 

"We left earlier this morning than expected," Clarke explains internally loving the ‘your kid’ comment and leaning back in their embrace to stroke Lexa’s cheek. "I didn't sleep well last night," she explains.

 

 

 

Lexa looks at her with fresh concern and nods as they have another of their silent conversations through their eyes. The one that says ‘later they'll get into why that is.’

 

 

 

Clarke grins, running her right thumb down Lexa’s jaw, dipping below her chin before softly touching her bottom lip. She tilts her head and kisses her ignoring the other three in the room. When they pull back Clarke asks, "So what exactly was your surprise?"

 

 

 

"That was me, of course!" Kai says taking her opportunity and running forwards to hug Clarke from behind. The leaders laugh and Lexa breaks her hold on Clarke to pick the girl up. 

 

 

 

"Ah, so it is you who ruined the surprise," Lexa says nuzzling her nose against Kai's cheek and making Clarke melt where she stands. She can't believe what she's seeing and yet it seems so right. Motherhood, in the strange way it has come about, looks good on Lexa. Damn good.

 

 

 

Clarke runs a hand over Kai’s head before softly laying it on Lexa’s cheek, “It was a great surprise Lex.” She kisses her cheek, “Thank you, so much.” It’s heartfelt and the meaning is deep, the soft smile they share is as intense as ever.

 

 

 "That's not the point, I wanted to be there to see your face light up." Lexa pouts and if Clarke was melting before she's a fucking puddle of feels right now.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“So Clarke,” Lexa says now that they are alone in the throne room. “Where are the twins?”

 

 

 

“They should be up any minute now,” Clarke tells her as Lexa sits down in the throne. Clarke glides over from the table, turns as she steps up the platform and seats herself in Lexa lap. The brunette’s arms encircle her and she feels Lexa’s head against her back and shoulder.

 

 

 

“I am so happy to have you back in my arms.”

 

 

 

Clarke hums and leans into the contact, she turns her upper body slightly so she can put and arm around Lexa’s shoulders. “Trust me, I am _beyond_ happy to be back in them.”

 

 

 

Lexa smiles wide, her eyes are so bright it takes Clarke's breath away. “I know. I can feel it.”

 

 

 

Clarke laughs and kisses her as deep as possible from her position. They only separate as a knock comes at the door. She receives another quick kiss from Lexa before standing and adjusting her cloak. She moves to her position to the right of the throne as Lexa calls to the door allowing entrance.

 

 

 

“Heda,” the brothers say together as they enter and cross the distance. “Wanheda,” they acknowledge Clarke as well before dropping to their knee in front of both women. Their lives are Clarke’s and will be spent in service to Clarke but the respect they show by bowing before Lexa proves how right she was about them. She never asked for them to bow, to recognize her as well as Clarke as their leaders but she just knew they would. She can tell by the look in Lexa’s eyes she is proud and impressed as well.

 

 

 

“Rise and tell me your names,” Lexa says to the warriors.

 

 

 

“Bill and Beland Kom NouKru,” Beland answers gesturing between him and his brother.

 

 

 

Lexa nods in acknowledgement, “You are brave to do what you have done. Not many in your position would choose this route. It is …admirable to say the least.”

 

 

 

The brothers bow their heads in her praise. Lexa studies them intently before she speaks again, “I trust you know the nature of Clarke and I’s relationship?” Clarke glances at her uneasily at the unexpected question. She’s never heard Lexa come right out and say something about their relationship along the lines of that before. Especially, not to those she is just meeting. The last time Lexa openly commented on their relationship was the night of the festival and before that, the clan meeting where she announced their impending union.

 

 

 

It dawns on Clarke in that moment that this is just another example of how much Lexa trusts Clarke and her decision-making. Clarke trusts the twins, so Lexa will try to as well.

 

 

 

The brother’s nod and Bill answers, “We know it, we respect it, we honour it and we will protect it. Protecting that love means protecting Wanheda.”

 

 

 

Lexa tilts her head at the unexpected promise. “It is rare that Azgedakru would do such a thing for a _weakness_ ,” she pokes looking for any cracks in the men before her. Clarke knows she’s testing them; she is looking for them to prove to her they are different, that they don’t view love as such a thing nor will they use it against them. She doesn’t fault her; Lexa is Heda for a reason. She is still alive because she knows how to vet people; how to read them beyond their words.

 

 

 

Clarke looks intently at Beland who slightly raises his chin to look at Lexa and then to Clarke but it is Bill who speaks again. His voice is thick with double meaning, she can tell he’s speaking beyond the special bond he and she created in the woods, “Wanheda’s heart shows no sign of weakness.”

 

 

 

There’s a definite impressed twitch to Lexa’s lip at his comment. A hint at a smile. She pauses, her own voice thick with double meaning and emotion when she agrees both impossibly stoic and yet passionate at the same time, “No. It does not.”

 

 

 

It feels like the first step in understanding, the first step towards a bond – one centered on Clarke. (Who is trying so fucking hard not to cry at lea's soft words.)

 

 

 

Her breath hitches at the intense parallels and she stares in awe at the bombshell sitting beside her. There’s a moment of heavy silence except for the crackling of the flames and the hum of energy inside Clarke. She can’t resist putting her left hand on Lexa’s shoulder, soft and gentle but enough to ignite flames inside the both of them. She can feel it radiating between them, filling the room with their warmth.

 

 

 

When she manages to look away from the goddess seated in her throne and back to the twins she sees an odd look on Beland’s face. It is softer than she’s ever seen but passionate, his chestnut eyes are glowing with intensity. She can tell he is not meaning to but he is hearing their spirits whispering to each other, he has the gift and it would be pretty damn near impossible not to, at the very least, _feel_ the energy in the air.

 

 

 

She’s certain he hears them when he glances at Bill who nods minutely; in a gesture so tiny she’s unsure she even really saw it they have a silent conversation before they speak in unison.

 

 

 

“Our lives for yours, as you are one; we swear it.” They extend their service freely. Protect Clarke. Protect Lexa.

 

 

 

For failing one, will be failing the other.

 

 

 

Clarke swallows at the same time Lexa does. She watches Lexa consider them a few moments longer. “You are not born Azgedakru.”

 

 

 

She sees Beland’s lip twitch as he nods once, “You are wise Heda. We are not born Azgedakru, we were born to the Glowing Forest thirty-three winters ago.”

 

 

 

Lexa nods once and tilts her head, her jaw juts back and forth a single time. “We accept your extension. I welcome you to Polis and I thank you for showing your … _bravery_ and _strength_.”

 

 

 

Clarke looks curiously at Lexa; “ _Hod op,_ How did you know they showed any of that? And don’t play coy, I mean specifically ‘bravery’ and ‘strength’” She decides to drop the pretenses of their conversation somehow knowing and believing whole-heartedly that Bill and Beland would die before ever revealing anything that is said in their presence.

 

 

 

Lexa has a tiny smug smile on her face, “I was taught spirit lore from Roma as a child Clarke.” She says it almost lazily enjoying the shocked look on her face. “She was her village’s leader and shaman for many years. I know how to recognize them in others when they are so obvious; I see _Kom Grannoumon_ and _Kom Yongon_ clearly in them. I may not know what gifts they possess but I do know which spirit guides each of them.”

 

 

 

“You know gifted redblida exist?” Clarke furrows her brow. “Why didn’t you say anything?” It’s suddenly becoming more and more clear why Lexa understood their gifts so much quicker than Clarke.

 

 

 

“It is not my place to ‘out’ them so to speak,” Lexa answers her. “The few I know of have complete control and balance so I leave them be.”

 

 

 

Clarke huffs because that’s pretty much her views on the matter as well. She smiles and rolls her eyes knowing Lexa will take it as her understanding her point.

 

 

 

Lexa turns her head back to look at Bill and Beland, her smile for Clarke is wiped clean, mask firmly in place, she raises her chin, “I extend the same courtesy to you two; but be warned: any loss of control, any risk to Clarke or our people and you will die by my hand.”

 

 

 

The brothers nod and answer together, “Sha, Heda.”

 

 

 

“Your room will be on this floor; it is prepared for you already. You are invited to join everyone in the dining hall when you feel rested. Welcome home.” Lexa says with a deep nod.

 

 

 

The brother’s bow their heads in respect to her generosity and prepare to leave; “ _Hod op_ ,” Clarke calls them to a stop. She looks at the twins and then at Lexa, “I want to know who guides me. Which spirit do I follow?”

 

 

 

Lexa glances from Clarke to the twins and furrows her brow, “It is not obvious to me Clarke,” she reaches out to grab her hand gently, “I’m sorry.”

 

 

 

Beland takes a step forward, “I can help you Wanheda. Just like last night but you must be prepared for what you are shown…”

 

 

 

Clarke sighs and rubs her head with her free hand, “Maybe not tonight. I’m not feeling up to it right now.”

 

 

 

“Sha,” he bows his head again, “Whenever you are ready you need only ask.”

 

 

 

She nods in thanks as the twins leave the room. Lexa stands up and pulls Clarke closer clasping her hands around her lower back; she nudges her nose against Clarke’s as their foreheads rest together.

 

 

 

“Just like last night?” She asks softly, her breath warmly teasing against Clarke’s lips. “What happened last night Clarke, as soon as he mentioned it I felt your fear and disbelief. Even now I feel it.” She kisses Clarke’s lips softly before pulling back to their original position, she looks into the deep blue pools. “Tell me later. Beja? Let me take it away right now.”

 

 

 

Clarke doesn’t answer with words, she simply nods and kisses Lexa as the brunette takes her permission and sends calming waves through Clarke. Their chests move together and their eyes remain closed after the kiss. Clarke feels the tension roll away each second. They take a deep satisfying breath together.

 

 

“Better?”

 

 

 

“Yes," Clarke confirms. " _God_ , I love you.”

 

 

 

Lexa hums sinfully, her eyes flare.

 

 

“Prove it.”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay okay...
> 
> Let there be sin!


	44. They Sin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was for sure a joint effort in sinning.  
> You can all thank Ashley, she really captured the character here and I love it; I take like zero credit for this golden sin except maybe 1500 words...
> 
> Anyways, quench yo thirst!!

 

There are certain things you need to realize when you're in Clarke's position. Things Clarke will learn in more detail after she meets Lexa's blatant challenge before her.

 

Their Welcome home sex or sex in general varies depending on the mood they are in or what occurred in each other's absence. 

 

Sometimes it’s tender. Soft, delicate and so loving it's straight out of a romance novel. It's borderline cheesy to anyone outside of it but it is always, always mind blowing; the perfect combination of emotion and devotion mixed with - _of course_ \- pure need.

 

Sometimes it's rough. It's a battle for dominance with neither leader submitting. It's tugging and pushing and pulling. It's screaming orgasms and growling need. There's scratching and hair pulling; clashing teeth and colliding tongues. Primal lust and need for the other overshadowing the thought of any need to walk properly after. 

 

Sometimes it's the need to be in control. It's one dominating the other in gestures or words but total understanding. They each have their moments; the need to give directions and orders that are not life and death for once is a huge release for both of them.

 

And sometimes, sometimes it's the need to be controlled. It’s the need to _not_ be in control. It's taking direction and finding pleasure in following someone else's orders for once. Not having to carry any responsibility but that of pleasure is another huge release.

 

“Prove it.”

 

So here they are, locked in a challenge both in words and eyes. And Clarke has a feeling she knows exactly what kind of sex this is going to lead to. (She finds she’s only half wrong.)

 

Clarke meets Lexa’s sinful gaze and her inner Wanheda roars to life. Clarke can feel the monster pulling on its leash. Wanheda wants to devour her Heda. Wanheda wants to worship every inch of the goddess before her and Clarke isn’t sure if she can keep the monster at bay because she wants the same. 

 

The instinct to bed Lexa is primal. She’s not sure she wants to hold back the desire that’s slowly making it’s way down her core but she’s not sure how Lexa will react to the thoughts ripping through her mind. She practically feels her pupils dilate as they unabashedly fixate on Lexa.

  

Lexa’s eyes flash from her normal beautiful shade of green to black the moment she realizes that Clarke is struggling with her inner monster. She can see the struggle in Clarke’s gaze but even more, she  _feels_  Clarke. Her eyes drop to Clarke’s lips, and she  _feels_ Clarkes teeth brushing over soft flesh in an attempt to tug at the leash and remain in control. 

 

It’s been entirely too long since the two have been allowed a moment of peace, a moment where they can study each other’s bodies and needs. Lust takes over her, as she squeezes her thighs together, while her knees began to shake and her need of Clarke takes route in her centre.

 

When Lexa’s body starts to react to Clarke, Wanheda cannot be held back any longer. 

 

She reaches for Lexa and pulls her into a heated kiss. Their lips lock perfectly and Lexa can barely contain the moan that pulls from deep within. Clarke’s hands reach around Lexa, pulling them breast-to-breast. Her hands cup Lexa’s firm ass and squeeze, while she pulls Lexa around her body. Lexa’s legs imminently wrap around Clarke's waist and her core bumps against Clarke’s tight abs and there's no containing the gasp that leaves her lips at the contact.  

 

Clarke pulls Lexa in closer, the clothes creating a very unwelcome barrier between the two Hedas. Clarke lets out a frustrated growl. She can smell the wetness dripping from Lexa’s folds and if she concentrates hard enough she can  _feel_  it.

 

Lexa nips at Clarke’s ear, her tongue flicking the delicate lobe to get her attention, her warm breath slipping into Clarke’s space, she whispers “Bed. Now. _Beja.”_

 

Clarke whirls around with Lexa still in her arms and marches towards the doors of the throne room. Wanheda refuses to put down her prize. She slams open the doors with a forceful kick.

 

The guards stationed at the door jump at the sudden burst from behind them, their eyes land on the two Heda’s wrapped around one another. Clarke’s eyes instantly land on the two men. Lexa smirks against Clarke’s neck, while Wanheada literally growls at them, low and threatening. Her left hand is forced to release Lexa’s ass and slips to her center, grabbing her sex, holding what is hers. Her fingers press into Lexa, claiming her in front of these two intruders.

 

Lexa’s mouth opens, her voice comes out a little thick around the command, “Leave us. Go now if you want to be spared from the Commander of Death.” Her body reacts to Wanheada. Her teeth sink into Clarke’s neck, willing her moan back inside.

 

Both guards slowly back away, not willing to turn their backs on the unpredictable blonde before them. Once they are out of sight Clarke shifts and makes her way to their room. Her hand shifts from cupping Lexa’s sex. Her middle finger swipes the length of her lover, over her pants, right from her ass all the way to her entrance before retreating again.

 

The motions continue while Lexa shifts against Clarke begging for more. Begging for her clothes to be gone. Wanheada takes Lexa’s ear into her mouth and bites down before scraping her teeth down the length of her neck. Biting. Pulling the skin. Sucking. Licking to soothe her marks.

 

Wanheada wants the world to know Lexa is hers.

 

Once Clarke finally enters the room she takes Lexa straight to their bed. She lowers Lexa on to the furs, her hands finally ceasing the slow and teasing touches. Her mouth pulls from Lexa’s neck. Lexa whimpers at the loss of Clarke’s warmth and tentatively rolls on her side to watch her almost wife. Clarke pulls back on the leash the moment her eyes find the dark bruises already forming on Lexa’s neck.

 

She quickly detaches herself and stalks off to close the door, but more importantly, to but space between them. She’s desperately fighting for control.

 

Clarke stops.

 

She closes the door and rests her head against the cold material separating them from the outside world. Clarke’s mind is reeling.  Wanheda wants to dominate the room; she wants to make Lexa hers. She wants to mark her skin and take every ounce of the women she loves. She wants _everything_ ; Wanheda is fighting for dominance and Clarke is fighting back.

 

Lexa can feel the worry and desire pulsating from the blonde almost in sync with the pulsating of her clit. Lexa squeezes her thighs together again, willing herself to get a grip. (Just for a few moments anyway.)

 

A breath of air escapes her lips as she almost moans out, “Clarke…”

 

Clarke’s ragged breathing hitches in her throat at the sound. Her back straightens and the hair on the nape of her neck prickles with the heat of her name on Heda’s tongue. She clenches her jaw willing the monster back into its place. 

 

“Clarke, it’s okay. Concentrate on me. _Feel me_ Clarke. Feel what I want.” Lexa coaxes through a husky voice. She cannot and will not do anything about the need she hears in her own voice.

 

Clarke takes a deep breath and slowly releases the strained air. It’s so  _hot_  in the room. A light sweat breaks across her forehead from the heat and her own internal struggle. She can feel the flames inside her willing her to give into her instincts, threatening to burn the leash clear off. 

 

“Clarke.” 

 

Clarke slowly turns her head and see’s Lexa sitting on the edge of the bed, their eyes lock. They share a silent conversation. Clarke knows Lexa can feel her inner turmoil with this new primal need that’s taking root deep inside her. She knows that Lexa could calm her with her energy -- but she also knows she won't. She doesn't want to.

 

Again, for the third time that night, Lexa is forced to squeeze her thighs together. She is so wet, _so fucking wet_. Feeling Clarke’s desire mixing with her own and pulsing through the air is almost enough to make her reach into her pants herself, but she can’t. Not yet. Not until Clarke knows how badly she wants to be taken. Devoured by Clarke. _Controlled_ by Clarke.

 

Lexa stands and pushes out as much emotion as she can; she pushes forth first her love for Clarke and second her _desire_ for Clarke; and even more importantly, her desire to _submit_ to Clarke. 

 

Clarke finally releases her hold on the door, pushing off it lightly with the flat of her hand. Her head lifts from it’s resting spot and her whole body turns to face Lexa. Her eyes flare and her body pulsates with a burning desire, a thirst with only one way to quench it.

 

The moment Clarke realizes that Lexa wants to submit to her, to _yield_ to her, Wanheda breaks free from Clarke’s desperate attempts of control. Clarke's fists clench at her sides as she feels Lexa’s thighs clinch against her dripping center.

 

“Lexa…” Clarke tries through a ragged, labored breath.

 

“Don’t Clarke. I promise, it’s okay. I trust you, I trust Wanheda and I want this.”

 

 Clarkes pupils blow wide with need and she takes a tentative step forward…

 

“ _Beja_ Clarke. I am yours. _Ai laik yun_. Take me. _Beja_.” Each word leaves Lexa just a little more wet, a little more needy.

 

With that, Wanheda closes the gap between them and begins her conquest. 

 

A small smirk begins to creep it’s way onto Lexa’s face and Wanheda is quick to catch it. She stops dead in her tracks. Lexa’s face falls into a pout, her bottom lip jutting out ever so slightly. She reaches out to pull Clarke in the rest of the way. There’s only about an inch of space between them, but it’s too much. Lexa wants more. Needs more.

 

Wanheda smiles and steps out of her reach, “Lexa, I think you might be confused. I’m going to need you to listen to me very, _very_ carefully. Can you do that?”

 

“Yes Clarke, of course I can do that.”

 

“Number one, you will not call me Clarke, not in this room. Not right now. You will call me Commander. I rule in this room.”

 

Lexa bounces on the balls of her feet ready to pounce on Clarke. She stiffly nods her head in agreement.

 

“Lexa, you will answer me.”

 

“Yes Commander.” Her breath hitches in her throat. Hearing Wanheda take charge like this was lighting her core on fire. She shivered in anticipation.

 

“Number two, you will do as I say.”

 

Lexa nods again, already forgetting rule number one.

 

Wanheda raises her eyebrow and watches Lexa, waiting for her to catch her mistake.

 

Lexa imminently responds with a quick, “Yes Commander.”

 

Wanheda, steps closer to Lexa, lowering her face to quickly bite Lexa’s delicate earlobe. She feels the faint ghost of whispering, warm and moist against her ear, “You have to remember these rules Lexa. If you break them, I will torture you. Right when you think I’m going to let you cum, I’ll pull you back from the edge, again and again. Do you understand?”

 

“ _Fuck_. Yes Commander, I understand.” Lexa is dying to reach out. To touch Clarke, _any_ part of Clarke at this point _,_ but she knows the rules; she understands the current dynamic, she clenches her hands and waits for her next command.

 

“Are you ready for the last rule Lexa.”

 

She swallows thickly. “Yes Commander”

 

“You will not cum without my permission.”

 

 _Oh God._ Lexa can feel herself building with want, the last rule putting her over the edge. She gasps for air, a sharp intake burns her lungs and she’s afraid to move. Part of her thinks she might be dreaming, but she stares at her partner and can feel Wanheda’s craving to take her, to bed her. She can feel Wanheda’s own desire build and seep from her core.

 

“Sha, Commander”

 

Wanheda reaches out and traces the strong jawline before her. Clarke’s thumb passing ever so slowly over Lexa’s swollen lips, gently pulling the bottom free from its place, jutting it out just enough to take between her lips. She carefully sucks on it before sinking her teeth into the lip, dragging the length of it before letting it pop back into place.

 

Lexa’s hands, still clenched at her sides, are aching. Her knuckles turn white with effort, she moans at the loss of Wanheda claiming her skin.  

 

Wanheda takes a step back and motions to the bed. Lexa quickly moves towards the edge, where she thinks Wanheda wants her.

 

Wanheda stalks over, a low primal growl escaping her lips, her hands find Lexa’s leathers and she quickly tugs the garments from her prize. Fighting the monster, trying to keep it at bay, has Wanheda foaming at the mouth. She is Starving, no _THIRSTING_ for Lexa and she will not waste one more second of their time together. She rips her cloak off in one motion, she’ll fix the toggles she tore later; that’s future Clarke’s problem. The sight alone has Lexa clenching her swollen sex once more.  _God,_ she needs her.

 

Wanheda reaches into her shirt and pulls one of the hidden assassins blades free. She purposefully wields the blade and cuts down the front of Lexa’s shirt and bindings, freeing Lexa in one slash. As the sight of Lexa comes to view, Wanheda calls upon the flames inside her. She manipulates the flame into view, a small ball of fire appears in her hand, she flicks her wrist and confidently lights the candles around the room, one by one.

 

Lexa stands bare, chest heaving with her own primal need. Her clothes ruined at her feet, but she doesn’t care. All she can think about is how proud she is of Clarke and Wanheda. The two have become an intricate team, Wanheda is Clarke and Clarke is Wanheda. Nothing could have turned Lexa on more in this moment. She’s dripping down her thighs with need. She can feel the stickiness sliding from her folds and she wants nothing more than to be commanded by her soon to be _houmon_.

 

Wanheda eyes Lexa greedily. She can smell Lexa pooling onto herself. She smells like nature, trees. She smells like home. Wanheda drops to her knees, pushing Lexa to sit on the edge of the bed and lifting her legs onto her shoulders in one quick motion.

 

Her head dips…

 

Her lips part…

 

She breathes Lexa’s scent deep into her lungs not wanting to miss a single second of what’s to come.

 

From here, she looks up and see’s Lexa’s eyes fluttering in anticipation. Wanheda's warm breath against her pussy is intoxicating, it feels like flames.

 

Gently, Wanheda runs her tongue up Lexa’s thighs, she’s collecting every ounce of Lexa that she can. Tasting the drops of gold that have escaped from their home. Her tongue barely scrapes the surface of Lexa’s skin, skating ever so gently with light flicks. Lexa can’t help the motion that builds in her hips. She bucks forwards and Wanheda’s hands gently pull her back down onto the bed. Not willing to give Lexa any control, Wanheda is thirsty and she has only just begun…

 

Lexa’s fists are buried in the furs below her naked body. Her voice cracks the heavy panting that fills the room. Wanheda is growling, claiming her body and her moans echo around the room. She’s trying to obey the rules… _but_ _fuck_ …

 

“Commander.”

 

Wanheda bites the sensitive skin that connects her thigh to her pussy and Lexa can’t breathe.

 

“Fuck!!!! Commander….Commander…Please…Let me move my hands….let me touch you. _Beja_ _Heda_.”

 

Wanheda pulls back at the Trig term, her eyes flicker and somehow go completely black, swallowing the remaining blue. A deep husk to her voice comes out as a sinful rumble that Lexa can feel against her skin.

 

“Sha Lexa, you may move your hands. You may touch me.”

 

The instant the words drip from her tongue Wanheda sinks that very appendage into Lexa’s folds. She moans into Lexa’s sex, soaking up and sucking in every ounce of her houmon’s wetness into her mouth.

 

Lexa’s hands instantly fly into Wanheda’s blonde curls, her fingers digging into her scalp. Her head flies back the second Wanheda’s tongue enters her folds and she cries out in bliss. Sweet relief floods her being; the gaping aches beginning to be quenched.

 

Wanheda runs her tongue the length of Lexa from the hood of her clit down to her entrance. This route is being memorized. Wanheda has never taken Lexa like this. She has never been allowed to enter this part of Clarke’s life, it’s addicting, and intoxicating and she is damn well going to take her time. She could fucking live here.

 

Lexa’s hips rise to meet Wanheda’s face, desperately trying to find more contact. Her clit is throbbing, it’s slipping out of her hood and she can feel the furs becoming damp beneath her.

 

Wanheda can feel Lexa. Before her tongue runs across the delicate nub again, she feels the need in Lexa. Her teeth scrape over Lexa’s clit, gently nipping at the bundle of flesh and she is rewarded with a roaring “FUCK YES” falling from her Heda’s lips.

 

Desire overwhelming her previous thoughts of taking it slow, she sucks the nub into her mouth, her tongue pressed flat against the nub. Sucking and rubbing the bundle at the same time, Lexa barely hangs on. She so desperately wants to cum.

 

But she can’t.

 

 She has rules.

 

 She doesn’t have permission. And _fuck_ she’s teetering on the edge already.

 

Her fingers tighten in Wanheda’s hair. Her hips rise and fall with each motion Wanheda makes. Her lungs began to collapse, constrict and tighten.

 

“Commander. I’m…I’m. Oh, _oh_ god. I’m going to cum.”

 

Wanheda pops Lexa’s clit from her mouth. Forcing Lexa away from the edge. Back down a few notches, back from the stars and back from the edge.

 

“Not yet. Not until I say.”

 

Lexa whimpers and her hips haven’t stopped their bucking. She wants to be taken by Wanheda. She wants to see the stars. She wants to circle the moon.  _Fuck,_ at this point she wants to be hurled into the sun. Every inch of her is alight with passion and hunger.

 

Wanheda thrusts her tongue into Lexa one last time. She feels Lexa’s walls flutter around the muscle. She can feel how close she is. At the very last second she pulls out.

 

“Move back Lexa, all the way onto the bed. Lay down. Face down.”

 

Lexa does as she is told. Quickly and quietly she moves into the position.

 

Lexa feels Wanheda’s hands pulling her into a kneeling position and she eagerly complies. She trusts Wanheda. She takes a shaky breath as she feels her wetness seep once more from between her folds.

 

Wanheda slips her hands down Lexa’s back, and then runs the length of her body back up again. Her fingers dance over her shoulders and make their way to Lexa’s breasts. Her fingers grip Lexa’s nipples squeezing and rolling them between her thumb and forefinger of each hand. Wanheda gives each nipple a tug and slight twist and Lexa’s arms give out. Her face falls to her forearms, her ass still in the air, opening her up for Wanheda.

 

Wanheda quickly moves one hand back, and slips it down Lexa’s ass, placing a firm smack against the soft flesh before she finds her entrance sliding two fingers inside.

 

Lexa has never been in this position before.

 

Never.

 

Lexa has never been hit either and she’s pleasantly surprised at just how _hot_ it makes her. How it makes her back her ass up looking for more. She moans, “ _oh god”_. She lets the pain radiate to her clit. Her ass jiggles in the air, matching each thrust.

 

She had no idea what to expect but this angle makes her feel like her insides are on fire. Every fiber of her being is crawling with pleasure. Wanheda is inside of her. Filling her to the brim. She can feel her fingers in her stomach, the pressure building quickly. Her hips are moving to Wanheda’s rhythm. They’re pumping in and out and she’s moving back and forth meeting each thrust eagerly.

 

Lexa’s walls are slowly starting to flutter against the pressure once more. Wanheda knows it’s time to let Lexa cum. She’s been so good for her. She deserves it. They both do.

 

She molds her body over Lexa’s and lowers her free hand to the brunette’s clit. She hungrily kisses and nips at Lexa’s neck. Her teeth sink into Lexa’s shoulder, leaving her mark.

 

“Oh Commander” Lexa breathes out. The sensation of Wanheda inside of her, rubbing on her clit and attacking her pulse point is too much.

 

Wanheda mumbles, “Lexa.”

 

“Please… _beja_ … _Heda._ ”

 

Wanheda pulls her hand from it’s assault and lands another firm smack on Lexa’s ass and finally breathes out her permission, “Lexa, cum for me.”

 

Lexa’s body starts to jump. She trembles and bucks erratically.

 

She feels it all.

 

She feels her walls clamp down on Wanheda’s fingers as a third enters her.

 

She’s coming. She’s barely breathing. Her body goes tenses, freezes mid tremble, arches as she goes ridged.

 

Her screams fill the room, the hallway; hell the whole building probably knows Wanheda commands Lexa at this very moment in time. But she doesn’t care. She wants them to know. She wants them to hear. She is powerless as the scream that leaves her mouth as the final chorus of her orgasm rings through her is not Clarke’s name, it’s Wanheda.

 

She sees the stars. She touches the moon.

 

And it is everything Wanheda wanted.

 

She feels satisfied. Sated.

 

_For now._

 

She continues to thrust her fingers in Lexa slowly bringing her down, bringing her back from the stars. She draws it out, taking gentle care to ease Lexa out of her bliss.

 

Gently, she pulls her fingers from Lexa and slips them into her mouth. It’s one last moment of control, one last prize for her hard work as Clarke begins to regain the leash. Wanheda dips her fingers in her mouth, one at a time she licks them clean reveling in the taste as Lexa turns over on the bed to look at her.

 

Wanheda leans forward and captures Lexa’s lips, much more softer than previous. The mask is falling, the leash is reattached and Clarke returns by the time they separate for air. Lexa’s chest is still rising and falling fast. Her legs, her body, her entire being is a wobbly mess.

 

The blonde watches Lexa work on controlling her breathing. Clarke is quick to want to make up for Wanheda’s actions, for letting go of the leash; she’s still slightly worried she let her alter-ego go too far and she needs to make sure Lexa is okay with what happened. Yes, she felt her need, Lexa had proved to her she wanted to submit -- that is not her concern -- what _is_ her concern is the fact that if Clarke feels as drained as she does from losing the control then Lexa must be doubly exhausted from drowning her instincts and allowing herself to be controlled.

 

“You’re so beautiful,” Clarke murmurs against her ear as she hovers above her gently stroking her jaw with her thumb. “You’re perfection Lexa.” She kisses her temple. “So strong.” She kisses her cheek. “So loving.” She kisses her forehead. “So intelligent.” She kisses her nose. “So kind.” She kisses her lips, “So good to me.” She kisses her other cheek. “My Lexa. Ai _houmon_. What do you need love?”

 

It all comes out as hushed reverence that makes Lexa melt further; she reaches up and cups Clarke’s cheek above her. She stares into the deep blue oceans and far off galaxies that have regained her eyes again, she sighs contently, “Hold me.”

 

“Anything,” Clarke says scooting off her quickly while reaching easily under Lexa and taking her naked body against her own. She moves them both to the head of the bed while Lexa latches on to her like a koala. She holds her close as Lexa nuzzles against her neck and rests her head on Clarke. “Anything you want, it’s yours Lexa. All you need to do is tell me. What do you need love?”

 

“Just this.” Lexa says muffled against Clarke’s neck. She is falling asleep as Clarke begins to rock them both gently. “Just you.”

 

Clarke kisses the crown of her head.

 

“ _Yu don ai, niron_. You have always had me.”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fine Stud Wanheda?
> 
>  
> 
> Don't look at me.


	45. So They Sin Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I...Don't...Even...Know...How...This...Happened...  
> I blame Ashley. She made me do it.

Clarke wakes before the sun but not from her own volition.

 

No, what has woken her is that Lexa has moved; she is no longer on top of her. Clarke’s eyes open and she peers around the room. The candles light is waning, they’ll need to be replaced but the lighting in the room is enough for her to see against the shadows. She starts to panic.

 

Lexa isn’t there. She furrows her brow and heads to the bathroom. She’s not in there either. Clarke comes back out of the bathroom and immediately her heart sinks.

 

She went too far.

 

She pushed Lexa beyond her limit last night. She crossed a boundary she never should have even approached.

 

“Fuck you Wanheda,” she mutters as she begins to remove her clothes.

 

Her pants are stiff with dried juices of her own. She never had a chance to change or remove her clothing last night before Lexa fell asleep on her. She unbuckles them and drops them to the floor. The next to go is her shirt, her bindings and finally her ruined underwear.

 

She kicks the clothes away and is about to head back to the bathroom.

 

“Hod op.”

 

She freezes at the words. No, _command_. Her shoulders sag, “I’m sorry Lexa.” She doesn’t turn around.

 

“Look at me Clarke.”

 

Clarke swallows and turns slowly, bare breasts slowly exposed to Lexa as she does. Clarke’s confused; she can’t feel any emotions being sent to her from Lexa. She didn’t even sense her coming back into the room. That _never_ happens. She keeps her eyes to the floor and shakes her head again, “I am so, so sorry. I shouldn’t have done any of that. I should have been better for you, I let go of the leash…”

 

“Clarke, I told you to look at me.”

 

The blonde looks up.

 

She’s surprised with what she sees. As the shadows dance around the room Lexa’s naked form is illuminated, she looks ethereal in the soft glow and her eyes are deep with intent. Clarke’s eyes flare and her sex immediately moistens at the sight. And she again, feels horrible at her body’s response. She can feel Wanheda growling and keening inside her. She wants to touch, she wants to feel, she wants to taste.

 

“I can’t feel you,” Clarke says sadly.

 

“I know. You aren’t supposed to.” Lexa says simply.

 

Clarke sighs and looks down again.

 

“ _Not yet_ anyways.”

 

She looks back up, surprised by both the answer and the truth behind it, “What? You’re blocking me out?”

 

“Sha,” Lexa smirks.

 

“Are you angry with me?” Clarke asks as she attempts moving forward.

 

“ _Hod op,”_ Lexa commands with the raise of her right palm. Clarke freezes.

 

“I am not angry Clarke,” her voice is softer this time but Clarke still feels nothing from her.

 

“Then why did you disappear? Why block me out?”

 

Lexa rolls her neck but her eyes remained plastered on Clarke. They’re roving her naked body without pretense, without any attempt at masking it.

 

“I have been experiencing the same struggle you had last night since I woke up. I tried to ignore it, I tried to breathe through it while I lay on top of you and I couldn’t.” She glances away quickly before snapping her eyes back to Clarke, this time they’re almost black, “I can’t.”

 

Clarke’s body reacts to both the words and the deep tone of Lexa’s voice. Her knees tremble and her clit throbs. This is new, she’s never seen Lexa battle for control over Heda, let alone admit it...

 

“Can’t?” She asks curiously unable to hide the husk forming in her own voice. Her folds slicken and her heart thunders.

 

Lexa takes a step closer and smirks, “Heda wants you Clarke. She wants to make you feel like Wanheda made me feel last night. She wants to take you to the stars and let you touch the moon.”

 

To emphasize her point Clarke is rocketed with lust and desire mixing with her own. It feels like a thrust that goes straight through her sex.

 

“ _Oh God_ ,” she can’t help the moan or the dripping between her thighs.

 

“Sha, her need is strong and I am barely holding her back.” Lexa says clenching her fists at her side.

 

There’s a moment of stillness. A pause, a breath as Clarke understands what Lexa is saying. What she wants. What Heda _needs._ All apprehension and worry for last night quickly vanishes only to be replaced by unrelenting love and need of her own.

 

 _Fuck you Wanheda_ , may have been a little premature. She mentally thanks the monster and swallows at her own fresh desire to be claimed. Taken. Shot straight into the galaxy.

 

Clarke is certain her eyes are as black as Lexa’s.  “Prove it.”

 

Lexa’s eyes flare minutely at the challenge, a growl pulls from her belly and she takes another step forward. A small tantalizing smirk mixes with Heda’s mask and Clarke’s breath hitches. She’s so fucking beautiful, she’s powerful, she’s in control and Clarke wants to be so good for her. She wants and wants and wants.

 

“The rules Clarke. Do you remember them?”

 

Clarke nods.

 

Lexa clicks her tongue disapprovingly. “Mistake number one.”

 

“Sha Heda,” Clarke quickly fixes her mistake.

 

“Too late. You’ll pay for that.”

 

Clarke adjusts her stance to provide what little pressure her thighs can produce on her clit at the threatening promise. There’s a definite part of her that almost wants to disobey just to see what could happen.

 

“I’m adding a rule Clarke. Your eyes must remain on me at all times. The moment you look away, the very instant you shut them I stop.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Mistake number two. You’re not doing that on purpose are you Clarke?” The tone of Lexa’s voice and the second thrust of desire she sends through Clarke tells the blonde she already knows the answer.

 

“Sha Heda,” she decides to concede. _Fuck,_ she just wants to be touched. Lexa is still more than five feet away. The air is thick and Clarke’s chest is already heaving in anticipation.

 

“Again, too late.” Heda clicks her tongue against her teeth. Slowly she begins to stop blocking Clarke out completely. She starts sending small waves of her desire towards the blonde. She can feel her wetness growing with each second, she can smell it; she can almost taste it.

 

Heda tilts her head. Her smirk grows and it’s not cute like Clarke usually thinks it is. No this smirk is different. It’s dangerously challenging and Clarke is practically vibrating under her gaze. She is refusing to look away; she knows Heda won’t appreciate her breaking the rules again.

 

“I was going to do this a different way, but it seems you can’t follow your very own rules Clarke.” Her head tilts the opposite way, “Balcony.”

 

Clarke nods, “Sha Heda.” She moves closer to Lexa who steps back and out of the way, again keeping her distance from Clarke. The blonde opens the door and is greeted with cool early morning air. It’s still dark out, her skin tingles against the heat of her body and the morning air. When she turns around she is expecting to see Lexa behind her.

 

But she’s not.

 

Heda has moved, she’s grabbing the leather chair and dragging it around. She stops it in front of the balcony door, still five feet away from Clarke. The blonde doesn’t move, she keeps her eyes on Lexa and waits.

 

“So Clarke, what to do about your punishment.”

 

Clarke bites her lip and her thighs rub together again. Her clit is throbbing, she feels like she could combust right where she stands. Another wave of lust is pushed through her entire being and it sends her reeling and moaning easily. She makes sure she keeps her eyes open, locked to her Heda. Following her rule.

 

“Good girl,” Lexa praises her. “But _that_ is not your punishment.” Lexa sits down on the leather, bare ass and all. Clarke’s sucks in air that doesn’t satisfy as Lexa’s legs spread allowing her full view of her glistening folds.

 

Clarke licks her lips at the sight.

 

“Look at what you have done to me Clarke. Look at the mess you’ve made.”

 

Clarke looks eagerly at the folds when granted permission. A low growl escapes Lexa’s lips’ as the blonde knows for a fact she felt Clarke’s thighs brush against her own clit.

 

“Do you want to touch me Clarke?”

 

“Sha Heda,” the blonde nods vigorously.

 

“Good.” Heda smirks again. She moves her hand from the armrest to her thigh. She slowly drags it up and down, up and down. And _Oh god,_ Clarke feels it as if she’s touching her own. She moans loudly causing a pleasing sound to escape Lexa as well. “I wonder if you see how this is going to go now…”

 

Clarke sucks in another ragged breath.

 

“Hands on the railing Clarke. Stay facing me. No touching.”

 

Clarke does as she’s told.

 

Heda shakes her head and moves to pinch the inside of her own thigh but it is Clarke that trembles and mews from the sharp contact, it is Clarke that feels it.

 

“Legs wider apart Clarke. No cheating.” Heda commands as she moves her hand from her thigh to her tight abs. The second hand joins it before they both are rising and slowly trailing fingertips up and over the peaks of her breasts.

 

Clarke’s skin is covered in goose bumps in the wake of the feeling. She doesn’t think she was even this turned on last night. She doesn’t think she’s _ever_ been this turned on and she’s not even _really_ being touched. She’s experiencing it all second hand, it’s not her own and it is meant for her. _Christ_ , she can feel the wetness dripping down her inner thigh, touching the crease in her knee and slowly trailing down her calf.

 

She moans as Lexa pinches her own nipples. Her knees quake as Lexa runs a finger once and only once through her folds. Clarke watches her place the digit in her mouth, allowing it to disappear and letting Clarke taste her even from this distance. She’s panting and needy.

 

“You don’t like this do you Clarke?” Heda teases coyly, again swiping her finger through her folds and sending Clarke trembling anew.

 

Clarke doesn’t know how to answer. She doesn’t want to make another mistake now. It’s too good.

 

“Be honest Clarke. Say it. Out loud. _Ron ai ridyio op._ ” _Tell me the truth._

 

“Sha Heda, I like it.”

 

“Good,” Heda responds again this time scraping fingernails along her thigh and watching intently how Clarke reacts to both the sight and feeling.

 

Clarke is on fire. The flames present in the room are pulsating higher and brighter with each throb of her clit. Each word, each movement from her Heda and Clarke is a writhing mess as she clutches to the railing behind her. She struggles to keep her legs spread and refrain from touching her clit.

 

“So tell me Clarke,” Heda says cocking her eyebrow and teasing her erect nipples again. “What would you like me to do?”

 

“Touch-,” Clarke gasps out when Lexa squeezes her own breasts roughly ending with a sharp tug on her nipples.

 

“What was that Clarke?” Heda smirks as she tugs again on her nipples sending another tremor through the blonde.

 

“Touch me Heda, _Beja.”_

A smile grows on Heda’s face and her head dips slightly, “No.”

 

Clarke sucks in another ragged breath and bites her lip. _Fuck_ , now she’s in for it. She begins to understand exactly what Heda wants form her, how Heda wants her.

 

“I promised you punishment if you couldn’t follow the rules Clarke. Did I not?”

 

“Sha Heda.”

 

“You broke the rules intentionally before, did you not?” Heda asks gently playing with her breasts in her palms. She lets one hand loose and drift to her thigh. She drags one long finger along the inside before she runs it the length of her sex.

 

She freezes.

 

“ _Ron ridiyo op,”_ _Tell the truth,_ Heda commands forcefully sending another thrust through Clarke. She doesn’t wait for an answer, she presses hard on her own clit.

 

“ _Fuck_ , _”_ Clarke can’t help but cry out at the pressure she feels. “Sha Heda, I did.” She finally answers as Lexa releases the pressure and again lets Heda’s fingers drift idly through her own wetness.

 

Clarke strains to keep her eyes open, torn from desire to follow the rules, watch Lexa and close them in pleasure.

 

“Thank you for being honest with me but you must learn the consequences for defiance.” She tugs on her nipple and circles her clit and Clarke moans in response.

 

“Sh- Sha Heda.”

 

“You will not move. I will not touch you,” Heda tells her. “You will watch me. You will _feel_ me. Feel my fingers, feel my pleasure, feel my release.”

 

“Sha Heda,” she mews again, “ _Beja_.”

 

“You can’t wait any longer can you?” Lexa’s hands squeeze her thigh and she pushes them even wider.

 

Clarke is wet. So wet. Dripping at the sight and feel of Lexa’s hands on her but not on her. It’s maddening and satisfying and “ _oh Heda,”_ she moans as she feels a single finger enter Lexa.

 

The pace is slow. So slow as Lexa’s finger sinks in deep, burying it to the knuckles before pushing up once and dragging it out again. Clarke thinks she’s not going to be able to follow the main rule, she doesn’t think she can wait for Lexa to let her cum. She’s pretty fucking certain it’s going to happen on its own volition. Her body is hers and not hers right now.

 

She is being claimed without being physically touched.

 

“ _Beja_ ,” she groans as Lexa sucks her finger clean before driving it back between her legs. She teases her clit, once, twice and a third time before thrusting two fingers inside herself.

 

Clarke bucks at the sensation, her white knuckled grip on the balcony does nothing to keep her steady. She’s trembling, shaking, and pulsing with each thrust Lexa makes on herself.

 

“I wonder if we can wake up Polis with your screams,” Heda muses in her own throaty rasp as she pumps her fingers. The pace continues slowly but it is powerful. It rocks them both and it isn’t long before Lexa’s hips are grinding at the motion. Her ass scraping against the leather seat and her eyes locked on the delicious torture Clarke is experiencing. Lexa can feel it all, her own strokes, Clarke’s wetness, and the full body trembles originating at her core. _Everything_.

 

She moans herself, “Clarke.”

 

“Heda, _beja. Beja,_ I want to feel you cum.”

 

With that, Heda moves her hand faster. Deeper.

 

She curls her fingers and Clarke can tell they are both so close. She can feel Lexa’s fingers inside her, feel her walls fluttering, hear the wet smack of her hand meeting each pulse of her hips. She’s certain there’s a pool of her own fluids on the cool cement beneath her but she doesn’t dare check. She can’t look away if she tried. She is entranced on the beauty before her. Locked in to the moment and feel. She can taste her on her tongue, smell her in her nose, and feel her inside her. She’s arching her back right along with Lexa as they teeter on the edge.

 

Lexa stops. She removes her hand and uses the wetness to circle each nipple. She gives a sharp tug. “Do you think you could last through that Clarke? Can you feel me cum without coming yourself?” It’s another throaty challenge, one that sends Clarke growling.

 

Heda smirks, “You’re mine Clarke.”

 

“Sha Heda. Claim me Heda. Let Polis know I am yours, please.”

 

Clarke is rewarded and Lexa is unable to hold back at the demand she hears in Clarke’s voice. She’s needy and desperate. She wants it, she needs it. Lexa drives her fingers back inside herself, three this time filling her up. Satisfyingly stretching herself and letting Clarke feel it. The blonde’s head flies backwards along with Lexa’s but their eyes remained locked.

 

“Yes! Oh, Oh!” Clarke keens and her back arches as her arm muscles strain to keep her in place.

 

“You will cum with me,” Heda commands no longer able to resist hearing and feeling them cum together. _God,_ she loves her gift. Her hand pushes deeper and harder. Her hips buck at the thrusts and when she feels Clarke and herself teetering with one foot over the edge she moans and curls her fingers while she flattens her palm. She hits their spot inside at the same time as their clit on each movement. Each motion causing tremors to pass through each of their pussies. White hot heat curls in their stomachs and the flames in the room dance higher than ever before.

 

“Touch the moon Clarke, join me in the stars,” Heda commands somehow thrusting harder, faster, as she hears Clarke’s own moans rising louder and louder into the early morning of the city. Knowing there are probably more than a few ears already awake and able to hear her pleasuring Clarke without even touching her has Heda on the brink of release. The sight of the blonde a shaking mess before her sends a fresh wave of fluid from her sex.

 

“ _Fuck_ , _Heda!”_

 

“Cum with me Clarke,” she commands “Now,” and at the same time she thrusts every ounce of pleasure, desire and need within her at the blonde.

 

Clarke fucking screams as she is hurled into the sun.  She sees fire and she’s not certain it’s real. “ _Jok_! Yes, Yes!”  Unbeknownst to Clarke, the flames actually take her; she vanishes and reappears in a tornado of heat and fire right before Lexa’s eyes. “ _Jok_! Fucking- shit - Yes! Heda!”

 

And with that satisfying display and sound, Heda joins her screams the only word that leaves her mouth is “Mine!”

 

Lexa continues to pump into herself riding out the waves along with Clarke. Feeling her own release mix with Clarke’s sends her over the edge a second time, instantaneously sending Clarke crying out again as well.

 

As Lexa brings them both down from seeing the stars she moans satisfyingly. She coaxes them both through the last tremors before she removes her fingers swiftly and crossing the distance to Clarke in the blink of an eye.

 

“Come here _Niron_. I’ve got you.”

 

Without hesitation she latches onto the blonde, she hoists up her naked body as Clarke’s legs wrap around her waist. She feels Clarke’s sticky wet release against her abs and she moans into the kiss she gives her. Clarke and Lexa are panting, the blonde is clutching to her so tight it almost hurts.

 

“I love you,” Clarke whimpers against her neck. “Jesus Christ, do I love you.”

 

Lexa chuckles against her as she runs her hand against Clarke’s back while the other cups her ass to keep her in place. “I love you Clarke. Was that… I mean that wasn’t too much was it?” The whisper is tentative, careful.

 

“Lex,” Clarke whispers back, “I had the same moment this morning, I thought I went too far for you. Trust me when I say, _that_ was more than welcome.” She kisses Lexa’s neck, then her shoulder before husking out, “We are _definitely_ doing that again sometime.”

 

Lexa sighs in relief against her, lacing kisses against her neck. “You promise it was okay?”

 

“No.” Clarke answers leaning back slightly so she can look into the stunning green eyes that make her world spin. “It was fucking _amazing._ It was like an outer body experience. _Fuck_ that was so good, I honestly don’t know why you don’t masturbate like all the time.”

 

Lexa laughs, her smile making Clarke swoon in her arms. She closes the distance and captures her lips in a languid kiss. They can both taste Lexa on their tongue and they moan into the other’s mouth together.

 

Clarke breaks the kiss gasping for air, “You need to stop that though.”

 

Lexa ignores her and starts lacing kisses and small nips to her neck, her pulse point is sucked on as a blatant refusal to stop.

 

“Don’t.” Clarke says sharply with the raise of her hands. “If you keep that up, I am going to jump your bones.”

 

Lexa leans back and cocks her brow, there’s a lilt to the challenge in her voice when she speaks.

 

“Prove it.” 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *shrugs*
> 
> Your thirst better be quenched and your showers better be cold.


	46. She'll Call You On Your Shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So...the sin went over well.
> 
> Anyways, hope you're all cleansed, Clarke's gonna go bump in the night soon. In the meantime she needs to make a few stops.   
> Here's some good ole Raven Reyes being Raven Reyes.

 

 

Needless to say, Clarke and Lexa definitely missed breakfast despite waking up before the sun. There were multiple rounds of sinning but no wanheda or heda involved; it was just Clarke and Lexa after that. It was soft and sweet, slow and passionate. It was powerful and loving, it was fire and flame. 

 

 

Their friends knew better than to disturb them and the guards, well, the guards did not let anyone down the hall. Wanheda had returned so everyone knew there was a slim chance of seeing either leader before noon. No one came looking for them, no one knocked on the door. They didn't leave the room; they barely left the bed after the balcony endeavor. Though, at sunrise, they did return to it for another round.

 

 

By mid morning, well past breakfast, they are finally ready to put clothes back on. (After a very needed, very  _cleansing_  bath.)

 

 

Clarke wears her black pants, boots and a new dark blue top that has cut outs that just let the tips of her shoulders peek out.  It laces in a ‘V’ right above her bust. Lexa is dressed in her usual black pants and a black long sleeve top that ties straight up her back and hugs her hips. 

 

 

 As Clarke is about to grab for her leather’s a hand halts her on her shoulder.

 

 

“Wait, try this one,” Lexa says handing Clarke a different item. 

 

 

The blonde shrugs and takes it from her examining it from different angles. “It’s not going to cover much…my shoulders will be exposed.”

 

 

“It will protect you, the leather is thick but flexible and it will cover the important parts while giving your arms full range of motion,” Lexa says. “Just humour me.”

 

 

Clarke puts the thick leather on around her waist and chest. It’s a leather corset that cuts straight just above her breasts and cuts up ever so slightly at her hips. Despite its very feminine design, she realizes Lexa was right about it. It does seem thick enough and placed in the right area to keep her torso relatively safe and her arms feel great as she moves them without any leather on them. 

 

She smirks when she sees Lexa checking out the garment on her when she tightens and laces the front. Clarke rolls her eyes. 

 

“I feel like this was a gift for me as much as you.” She chuckles as she sees Lexa licks her lips while Clarke slips her assassins blades into their hiding spots. "Something catching your eye love?"

 

 

"Yes- I mean I like that top on you.” Lexa flushes and swallows thickly. She glances away and her tongue peeks out the corner of her mouth as she finds a new set of leathers for herself. Her eyes keep drifting back to Clarke.

 

 

Clarke smirks again while putting the final blade in her boot, making sure to bend at the waist and snap back giving Lexa an excellent view. Clarke observes her, coyly cocking her brow, now strapping her curved blade to her lower back. "I think you like the leather more." 

 

 

Lexa flushes once more but she comes forward, "I like it all. On or off, it’s all good, always beautiful. ...Although, I do prefer when you wear nothing at all." She touches Clarke’s waist before her lips ghost over her mouth in a teasing smirk before closing the distance. She kisses Clarke sweetly as she reaches for the blondes shoulder guard from the bed. She leans back in and Clarke finds Lexa has already slung the guard over her shoulder, is clipping it in place and has turned away to continue dressing before Clarke knows what happened.

 

 

 Clarke audibly 'harrumphs' before tilting her head watching Lexa, "You know, I thought you were going to get me naked again."

 

 

"There's still time," Lexa teases now leaning over tying up her boots on the edge of the sofa. 

 

Clarke’s stomach growls in defiance. "Maybe later. There’s another primal need we need to take care of first,” Clarke says patting her belly.

 

She goes to grab her cloak off the ground and sees the torn toggles. "Damn, Wanheda did a number on you didn't she?" She murmurs looking at the garment in her hands.

 

"Me or the cloak?" Lexa asks finishing putting on her leathers and grabbing her daggers.

 

Clarke grins over her shoulder, "both now that you ask." She goes to the nightstand and pulls a thread and needle out and pocketing it.

 

"Ready  _Niron_?" Lexa asks buckling her own shoulder guard and sash on. She leaves her coat in wardrobe.

 

Clarke puts the cloak over her arm and walks to the door. "Ready," she confirms opening it for Lexa and gesturing her through, "after you."

 

 Lexa nods and smirks as she passes her, "Clarke, haven't you looked at my ass enough?"

 

"Honey, if that day ever comes kill me.”

 

(She purposefully lags behind on their way to the elevator.)

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Clarke leaves Lexa after their brunch to find Raven. She fixed her cloak and put it on over her clothes while she heads from the elevator. She finds her in the mechanic workshop, swearing like a sailor, per usual. It’s nice to know some things will never change and it pulls a small smile to Clarke’s lips.

 

"Shit! Fucking shit?" 

 

"Problem?" Clarke asks as she enters seeing Raven on her hands and knees scouring under various materials.

 

"Fucking hell, fucking, shit. Fuck," Raven mutters standing up and brushing her knees off. "I can't find a few of the radios. I don't know what in the fuck I did with them."

 

"Well, this place is kind of a mess."

 

"It's not a mess." Raven says looking around, she scratches her head as she takes in the sight, "okay, it's a disaster zone, but it's an organized disaster zone."

 

"Then explain the missing radios."

 

"I can't, they should be with the others. I've been keeping track of the ones we send out." 

 

"Well maybe the kids lifted a couple? How many are you missing?"

 

"Two, I am pretty sure."

 

"Well I'm sure it's not a big deal; you've had the natblida in here a lot working on things and taking lessons." Clarke offers putting a calming hand on her shoulder.

 

"Yeah, maybe... I didn't really peg them as the type to do that."

 

"They're still kids Raven and according to Titus we are a terrible influence remember; they’re probably just playing around, you know, using their imagination." Clarke tries to ease her as she smirks,  "I hope they're having fun with them."

 

"Little brats."

 

"We will keep an eye out for them. I'll ask Kai to check their quarters, you know she didn't do this, she plays with ours as often as she likes."

 

"Okay. Yeah. She is a good little bean, she’ll find them," Raven agrees. Then she's goes back to focusing on the project on the desk in front of her.

 

Clarke fidgets with one of the screwdrivers while she watches her work. The silence is easy, not exactly comfortable but not terrible. There's an energy in the air Clarke can't quite put her finger on.

 

"So, …the twins are pretty interesting," Raven says no longer able to ignore the silence and needing to fill it with what’s on her mind.

 

"How so?"

 

"Well aside from the fact that I've never seen identical twins before, I'm referring to the whole silent conversation thing."

 

"You noticed?"

 

"Of course I noticed. My brain processes things others don't, it’s like my brain absorbs everything I see or hear without me putting much effort into it; you know that. _Hello_? Genius, remember?"

 

Clarke nods with a small smile, "Touché."

 

"I've only seen that intensity between you and Lexa before."

 

"Yeah, theirs is kind of different."

 

"How so?"

 

"Not my story to tell Rae, sorry. Just get to know them; they are good people. Bill saved my life, his brother protected Octavia and Aden. You'll like them and I have a feeling they'll like you too."

 

"I already like them Clarke, Beland is my dude and Bill reminds me a lot of Octavia. He's sort of wild."

 

Clarke laughs, "You have no idea."

 

"Are they going to go with you now?"

 

Clarke stops laughing, in fact, she chokes on it. "What? Where?"

 

Raven stops her work and partially turns to give Clarke a very, very pointed look, "No. Don't do that. Don't even try to play dumb with me _Wanheda_ ," she sneers out the name. "You don't think Lexa didn't tell me - _her best fucking friend-_ what you were planning? That she didn’t need to talk to someone about her fiancé going off on some wild cowboy ' _operation Wanheda_ ' thing? You don't think that girl is worried sick about this - more specifically  _you_?"

 

Clarke frowns at the aggression Raven shows but not in the protectiveness she shows for Lexa. Her lionheart actually betrays her and roars for her friend’s spirit.

 

"She said 'okay'. She said she was okay with it."  Clarke stumbles over the words.

 

"You know for a smart girl you're a real fucking moron Griffin." Raven snarks.

 

"Easy," Clarke warns her carefully while firmly snapping the leash on Wanheda. She huffs, _I really need to get a handle on her_. Clarke swallows and rolls her neck. She takes a deep breath and sighs it out slow. 

 

 _Breathe, Clarke_. 

 

_It's Raven. It's just Raven. Your. Friend. Raven._

 

Her shoulders sag on her next exhale as she feels herself calm slightly and she rubs the back of her neck, "I know okay? She's trying to keep it from me and I was, I don't know, trying or choosing to ignore it I guess." She shifts on her feet and sighs, "I just need to do this for us."

 

"Are you sure about that?" Raven raises her eyebrows; it's a blatant challenge.

 

"What's that supposed to mean?" Clarke fires back. Wanheda adjusting her stance for her, her hands snap behind her back and she comes off composed but intimidating.

 

Or it would be except for the fact that it’s Raven, who’s not really afraid of anything.

 

Raven rolls her eyes and crosses her arms, "it means; do you think we haven't noticed your changes, your training, your intensity, your ...temper? Like we haven't seen you diving into this 'new you' head first?"

 

"I have to be able to protect mys-"

 

Raven lifts her hand to stop her, "No. I'm not finished yet." Wanheda growls and Clarke growls back at her but manages to bite her tongue to allow Raven to continue.

 

_Breathe, Clarke._

 

Clarke raises her eyebrows, 'go on' she gestures with her hand. Inside, Wanheda is pacing.

 

"I get that you need to protect yourself Clarke. Like _seriously_ , no shit - but this is more than that, this wasn't just self-defense training. I've watched you; you're almost as good as Lexa. You're _deadly,_ like you’ve been doing this all your life. If you did that trial now you could probably have walked home; sure you'd be pale as a sheet and pretty banged up but you probably wouldn't need to crawl back from death. This isn't just about being able to defend yourself or us anymore, there's more to it and you’re a god damn liar if you try and tell me otherwise."

 

Raven pauses there watching Clarke carefully as the blonde clenches her jaw. Raven's eyes narrow in scrutiny. She watches and her brain absorbs, she processes – _with intent_.

 

Clarke wonders if she can see the internal struggle Clarke’s currently engaged in. Each inflection of Raven’s words, each aggressive posture, is sending Wanheda’s instincts into overdrive. Clarke doesn't know exactly why she feels so defensive; maybe it's the tone of Ravens voice, maybe it's the fact that Raven seems to be able to see a lot of truths, and maybe she's worried Raven is going to see more than Clarke wants her to.

 

"You've changed. Your mind has changed. You're becoming more offensive, and a part of you likes it..." Raven starts again she tilts her head and bores her eyes into Clarke as her lips press. A beat later, her closed off, aggressive demeanor changes to one more open. 

 

She lays a tentative hand on Clarke's shoulder ignoring the slight flinch Clarke’s body involuntarily makes. When she speaks again her tone is softer.

 

"Wanheda is a very real thing now isn't she? It’s like ever since you took the blood she's gotten more powerful; growing even stronger the more you’ve honed your skills. She's in there and you're fighting her. It's like Lexa and Heda isn't it? She told me about the monster but she never said it was that literal of a struggle, …she made it seem so easy."

 

"Well it’s not and she makes everything look easy," Clarke finally speaks taking note in the change in the air, Wanheda simmers.

 

Raven squeezes her shoulder sympathetically and sighs, "You should have said something."

 

Clarke looks into her dark brown eyes, tender and open. She's her best friend for a reason, she calls Clarke on her shit and she's also a ride or die type of friend.

 

Raven is constant.

 

And (of course) Raven is right. 

 

So she'll say something now, maybe it could help. She doesn't think it could hurt, she trusts Raven; after all, Lexa speaks with her about this sort of thing too. She shrugs, "I've been working it out. The training actually soothes her and makes me feel better too. I feel safer. Stronger. Confident?"

 

"Yeah, but you're scared." Again, Raven calls her on her shit. “ _’Safer’_ , ‘ _stronger’_ ,” she emphasizes, “and don’t even get me started on you saying ‘ _confident’_ like you’re guessing.”

 

"I-" Clarke starts as she stares at Raven, who cocks an eyebrow at her. "Ugh damn you. Yes okay? Yes I am kind of afraid but not of her, just afraid of what she could do...and not just the flames..."

 

Raven nods though Clarke is certain she doesn't fully understand. The blonde rolls her eyes realizing there's only one way to let her know just how much of a struggle the heda’s have on their hands. 

 

"It's not the fact that she seems to ...get a rush from killing and commanding death. She- She likes commanding other things..."

 

"It's so weird that you refer to a part of yourself in a third person sometimes."

 

"Raven be serious. I'm trying to bear my internal soul’s struggle to you here."

 

"Right, sorry."

 

Clarke huffs, "I don't know how to explain it exactly but last night for example I lost control in the last place I ever expected to."

 

"...No…" Raven shakes her head in disbelief.

 

"Yeah.” Clarke nods. “I lost control with Lexa, big time. Raven, it was like I was watching myself act and speak with absolutely no control on my actions. Like I was pushed dormant and she..." Clarke blushes furiously.

 

"You had 'the sex'," Raven tries to help.

 

Clarke rolls her eyes, "Yeah, we had 'the sex' but it was different, it was- _I_ was controlling. Dominating."

 

"Hot."

 

"Raven!"

 

"Sorry. Please, _pretty please_ , continue."

 

"Don't get me wrong it was ... _god_...just-"

 

" _Damn_ , that good?"

 

"You have no idea but that’s not the point. As glorious and fulfilling as it was, it terrifies me. If I can lose control with Lexa for Wanheda to satisfy her need then what happens when l lose control and, I don’t know, go kill crazy?"

 

"Clarke, you won't." Raven frowns.

 

"How do you know that? You can't know that."

 

" _Yes,_ I can. For a few reasons; one being Lexa - I know for damn well sure she encouraged Wanheda last night; I thought it was just kinky sex shouting O and I heard, but now I see it was a little more … _elaborate_."

 

Raven covers Clarke's hand with her mouth when she goes to speak, "Yeah, a few of us heard, it’s not exactly a _private_ floor remember? By the sounds of it she had _zero_ issues with Wanheda’s control, not a single fuck given… but the one you gave her, I guess." Raven grins lowering her hand from Clarke's mouth when the blonde poked her tongue out on her palm in retaliation.

 

Raven wipes her hand feigning disgust, "Anyways, I also know something like you letting her go ‘kill crazy’ shouldn’t happen because of your heart, unless maybe something tragic happens? Regardless, the same heart that's in you is in Wanheda; it makes sense that you ' _lost_ ' control because it was Lexa and Clarke  _let_  it happen because it was for Lexa as much as Wanheda and as much as Clarke."

 

Clarke furrows her brow at her friends insight, "This is the weirdest conversation we've ever had."

 

"Well I for one encourage more of this." Raven nudges her. "So circling back to my original questions slash issue. This secret mission you plan to take, was it Wanheda’s idea or Clarke's?"

 

Clarke furrows her brow and opts for honesty, "Both."

 

Raven purses her lips and nods, "Are you sure? Are you sure you're not just trying to prove something?"

 

"Raven, we have to know where they stand. We are in limbo with them and a few others but their members  _have_  attacked and its best if we know."

 

"And you think going alone into potentially rebellious clans is the best way to do that?"

 

"It's the best way to get in and out of the territory unnoticed and without starting a war unnecessarily."

 

"So again, I ask, will you at least take the twins?"

 

"I can do this on my own," Clarke insists.

 

" _Ah_ there it is, so it's _not_ trying to prove something it's trying to prove something to _someone_."

 

Clarke furrows her brow, again taken back from Raven’s insight.

 

She huffs in defeat, "Maybe a tiny bit? Maybe I want to feel like I'm contributing, making headway the best way I can think of right now? Maybe I also want to prove to myself that I can help, that I'm strong enough to do what is needed. That I’m able to find another way."

 

"Well it is outside the box for ideas. I mean, it has its merits if you do it right."

 

Clarke smiles as she realizes Raven is maybe coming around. "That's actually why I originally came down."

 

"First, I have one more question.”

 

“Shoot.”

 

“Are you going to tell Octavia?”

 

Clarke sucks at her cheeks and glances away.

 

“Clarke!”

 

“I- I don’t want to worry her. She’ll want to come with me and I’ll have to say no and she’s going to look at me like I betrayed her.”

 

“And you don’t think her finding out her best friend and Heda disappeared to do this on her own without telling her won’t make her look and feel the same way towards you anyways?” Raven is quick to fight for her girlfriend.

 

Clarke’s mouth drops but the words don’t come out right away. She sighs and shakes her head. “I didn’t really consider that.”

 

“Maybe you should.”

 

Clarke purses her lips under Raven’s pointed stare. “Yeah. You’re right. I’ll talk to her.”

 

“Good. Now, what do you need from me?”

 

As Clarke collects the items from Raven the mechanic stops her before she leaves. "Clarke, don't forget how hard this will be on all of us…especially on Lexa. Just please - _be safe_." She hugs her awkwardly over the items, "I love you bud. You better say goodbye before you leave."

 

“I promise, I will. I love you too Rae.”

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise chapter update because you deserve it. Happy Saturday my little trash monsters.


	47. Separate and The Same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot in here being hinted at, revealed and twisted...
> 
> *shrugs*   
> You know me.
> 
> ENJOY!!

 

 

Not long after leaving Raven, Clarke has put the items in her room and returned to the elevator. She spends the ride down mulling over her conversation with her friend. Despite the intensity of the conversation, she’s glad they had it. She’s glad Raven is brave enough to stand up to her and Wanheda. That she’ll call her on her shit and also provides her with compassionate understanding and love. 

 

 

Clarke is fearful though even if Raven might not be; Wanheda was dangerously close, _too close_ , to reacting in there. Clarke is sure if she hadn't been telling herself to breathe and show restraint there's a good chance Raven would have been seriously hurt ...or dead. Something she would _never_ forgive herself for.

 

 

And it would be due to words and not actions. Words are as dangerous as blades, as destructive as flames and as igniting as a spark to rocket fuel. Words are a weapon, and in even in the right mouths they can be cutting, sharp and unforgiving. They can incite rage, remorse and multiple variations of pain…

 

 

She shivers at the thought.  

 

 

_Breathe, Clarke._

 

 

_You controlled Wanheda; you held her back and protected your friend from yourself._

 

 

She wishes she didn’t need to.

 

 

Clarke wishes her own words to herself were reassuring but all they do is remind her of what could have been...remind her she can be a danger as much as a safeguard. She can be destruction or hope and she’s recently been struggling to interlock the two. She understands the power inside her to the best of her abilities right now, but she knows it’s not a complete understanding. She should feel more solid, more structured the more she accepts Wanheda’s presence and her gift; but instead, she feels fractured, instead of finding balance, cohesiveness she finds one part of herself trying to drown out the other at times.

 

 

Like Wanheda questions Clarke’s strength; or maybe it’s just that Clarke questions her own.

 

 

At the ground floor she finds the twins leaning against the opposite wall.                                                                                      

 

 

They straighten when they see her to stand more alert; they bow their heads, " _Wanheda_."

 

 

"Hey guys," she greets them ignoring the odd look they give her when she does so in such a way, "You haven't been waiting here all morning have you?”

 

 

" _Sha, Wanheda."_

 

 

"You didn't have to do that."

 

 

"Yes, we do." Beland says in a tone that Clarke chooses not to argue with. He's right, it's his duty; part of his service and it would be disrespectful for her to refute him. She doesn’t want to offend them.

 

 

"We also thought it be more prudent that we wait down here  and afford you and heda your ...privacy." Bill adds slyly, a twitch at his lip.

 

 

Clarke flushes red and averts her eyes. 

 

 

Okay, everyone definitely heard their sex-capades... She tries to remember why she  thought it was such a good idea to be so loud before she remembers that they didn't really have a choice; that once their hearts and heads and bodily desires take route there's very little to be done to stop the intensity that always follows.

 

 

"Well, come on," she says trying her best not to sound embarrassed with a wave of her hand walking towards the door. They fall into step behind her flanking either side. She doesn't notice their small knowing grins.

 

 

The sun is sharp and the air is crisp as it greets her when the doors open. 

 

 

"So," she says glancing over her shoulder and wishing desperately to change the subject as they head outside, "you met Raven?"

 

 

"Little bird?" Bill asks.

 

 

Clarke chuckles with a nod, "That name caught on quick I see."

 

 

"It's a fitting nickname  _Heda_  gave her," Bill says.

 

 

"How so?" 

 

 

Beland answers, "Her spirit guide is  _KomYongon_. Her mind rises above while she stays bound to the ground. Like a little bird…"

 

 

Clarke stops and turns with her hand raised to stop their progress, " _Hod op_ , you're not implying Raven is a redblida spirit wielder?"

 

 

The twins nod once but Bill speaks, "We are not  _implying_  anything." 

 

 

"Is that not why  _Heda_  gave her the title? I thought you already knew." Beland says.

 

 

"I only just found out Lexa could sense the spirit." Clarke lamely defends her blindness. "Plus, I thought it had to do more with her actual name."

 

 

"That was just a bonus." Bill says with a toothy grin.

 

 

"Shit. So she's not just a genius she's like a special genius…" Clarke turns to walk again as she thinks about her friend and what the twins just revealed to her.

 

 

For as long as Clarke’s known her, Raven has always been intuitive, crazy smart and seeing things no one else could. She was always insightful and incredibly helpful whenever Clarke required her to put her mind to a task. She was the first to notice their gifts in the cave, the first to figure out how to activate them, the first attempting to explain them... Also, for someone with a super analytical and technical mind she still  _believes_ , she accepts spiritual possibilities… easily.

 

 

"What would happen if she knew what she was?" Clarke asks over her shoulder.

 

 

"She may have an idea already. She knows she has a gifted mind, she just may not realize  _how_  gifted."

 

 

"But if she knew the truth, if she was able to accept the truth of who she is or embraces it like I have, what would happen to her."

 

 

"Her gift would undoubtedly intensify just as yours has. It would enhance what is already present. Like all of us, she would need to learn the balance to keep her grounded."

 

 

Clarke nods in thought. She glances back, "Help her if she wants it. She's curious by nature and she wouldn't mind talking to you. If you're right about her spirit she will easily accept and want to learn more."

 

 

" _Sha, Wanheda."_

 

 

Clarke nods and returns her attention to her direction ahead of her; she continues forwards towards the path to the nightgrove where Lexa is training with the natblida. The walk up the path isn’t terribly difficult but it’s exerting enough for her to need to remove her cloak and wipe her brow.

 

 

When they reach the grove, Lexa and the children come into view and Clarke can’t help but grin. She ignores Titus’s glare at her presence (she's used to it) and focuses on her fiancé. 

 

 

Lexa is standing near the edge of the cliff where the grove opens to a glorious view of polis. Shes pointing animatedly at various places in the city. The natblida are seated watching and learning as Lexa points out the important places and potential vulnerabilities of the city. They’ve done this before, but it is essential they have it engrained into them. They listen like it’s the first and only time they’ll hear it every time. Once again, Clarke finds herself impressed.

 

 

When Lexa notices they have an audience she flashes Clarke her secret smile before grinning at the group. “Natblida, I promised you a surprise a few days ago, turn around and receive it.”

 

 

Instantly, seven heads turn in her direction and seven smiles form. 

 

 

“Wanheda!”

 

 

“Clarke!”

 

 

Various shouts from five of the natblida erupt as Clarke bends down and the kids rush forward to welcome her home. Aden speaks with Octavia by the water well and Kai hangs back with Lexa. Kai watches her brothers and sisters greet Clarke almost as excitedly as she did the day before with a big grin. Lexa's smile is large as well but her eyes speak bittersweet when Clarke catches her eye; aside from Zora being absent they are missing one of their own, one that won't return, Maks. it weighs heavy on them all. 

 

 

Clarke asks the children various questions, checking in with each on what they were up to while she was gone. She makes sure Peyton is still working on her reading. She makes sure Luca and Mal know their CPR better than when she left. She asks if Nitza has finished her tasks for Raven. She is sure to ask Situ if she has been continuing her extra sessions with the healers. She gives each one a hug and a tussle in their hair before sending them off to continue their lessons. 

 

 

When she is finished she is smiling freely. It feels good to both her and Wanheda. She’s proud of their dedication. 

 

 

She stands with the twins as Titus and Lexa begin to work with the kids in their next lesson. They’re working with daggers today. They watch in silence for a while; Clarke keeping a small grin on her face and the twins stoic and sternly observing.

 

 

“They’re impressive,” Bill comments after awhile.

 

 

“Sha,” Clarke confirms. “That’s what I thought when I first saw them.”

 

 

“The natblida training is shrouded in secrecy, why have you allowed us to join you here?”

 

 

Clarke glances at the twins, “Because I trust you and you are part of my guard.”

 

 

“We aren't entirely welcome here and yet no one is saying anything about it, _that_ is what really surprises me.” Bill comments.

 

 

“They may not be saying it, but I know of one who is thinking it,” Beland points out with a subtle nod in Titus’s direction.

 

 

“You can hear his thoughts?” Clarke eyes him.

 

 

“I did not mean to, it is just the way he looks at you and us, I couldn’t ignore it. His eyes speak of danger so I listened." Beland explains lowering his eyes.

 

 

Clarke nods, “It’s okay. Trust me, I am  _very_ okay with you invading his mind. I do  _not trust_  him.”

 

 

“He is not a fan of yours,” Bill growls stating the obvious.

 

 

Clarke chuckles softly, “No, I know that much.” She pauses and considers, “If you’re concerned about him, I give you leave to watch him, to listen…”

 

 

Beland nods, “ _Sha, Wanheda._   _Mochof_.”

 

 

“Why thank me?” Clarke honestly asks.

 

 

“It is the best way for me to protect you and serve you. He has a weasels mind.”

 

 

Bill barks in laughter along with Clarke. “Accurate,” she confirms.

 

 

They continue to watch the proceedings. Bill sits down to sharpen one of his own daggers. Clarke stands with her hands behind her back, Beland at her side. 

 

 

Clarke's eyes flit between the kids, Titus, Lexa and Octavia. She presses her tongue against her teeth while her mind runs a little rampant. 

 

 

She feels like it's everywhere, on everything and at the same time, no where and on nothing.  Nothing concrete anyways. There's just too much for her to land on any one issue or thought for long.

 

 

She adjusts her grip behind her back as she thinks about multiple things and nothing at once. 

 

 

Mainly, she just keeps turning over the things that are troubling her.

 

 

Wanheda and her losing control; Lexa and her concern for what Clarke feels she needs to do with the Delphi and desert clans; talking to Octavia and trying to explain it; Ontari and Azgeda; the known rebel clans; the missing people-

 

 

"Constant motion," Beland murmurs beside her cutting short her current internal go round. She glances at him and purses her lips, "do you want to talk about it?" He asks. His voice is soft, tentative and very comforting to come from such a large man.

 

 

Clarke releases her hold behind her back only to now hold her hands clasped in front of her while she deliberates; ' _Operation Wanheda_ ' as Raven called it, would be starting tonight which is an ordeal on its own. She doesn't think she really needs to discuss what's troubling her with Lexa and Octavia but she knows she needs to get ahold of Wanheda and she knows Beland can help her understand, help her learn...

 

 

So she nods but when she is unsure where to start. She pauses and he watches her.

 

 

"So there is that much going on in there?" The man observes. "You're not sure where to start are you?"

 

 

Clarke nods again glancing away.

 

 

"I can listen for what's most pressing, the first whisper, if you'd like?"

 

 

Clarke takes a breath and nods gratefully, "do it."

 

 

Beland nods before he tilts his head and she watches his chestnut eyes burn. 

 

 

It takes longer than she expects and his brow furrows. Finally, he sighs and his face softens before the light in his eyes dim with it.

 

 

"What is it? Why did that take so long?"

 

 

"Your mind is different, somehow more dangerous. It is hard to explain, I've never met a mind so guarded, so well protected. It took so long because your mind was trying to dissuade me from listening..."

 

 

"How can I unconsciously do that when I gave you permission?"

 

 

Beland swallows in hesitation. 

 

 

"Tell me."

 

 

Beland lowers his eyes in respect, "Clarke may have given me permission ...but Wanheda did not...Wanheda did not wish me to hear it and so I heard nothing."

 

 

 

Clarke's eyes widen and her breath hitches. She glances at Lexa to find her eyes on her already. Clarke closes her eyes briefly with a slight nod and Lexa takes that as permission to calm her. Warmth spreads through Clarke helping to ease the tightness that crept into her chest. 

 

 

 

She breathes.

 

 

 

"You fear Wanheda."  Beland observes. He pauses, carefully choosing how to approach this topic, she can tell he wants to help her understand not scold her.

 

 

 

"You are one but there is still a disconnect. You struggle more than you let on. You should be one; Wanheda _is_ Clarke unlike how Clarke is Claire. Wanheda’s creation was birthed from Clarke’s actions, _she is Clarke_ , where Clarke is simply connected to Claire’s consciousness and soul, her spirit and energy resides in Clarke but they are each their own being. Claire’s consciousness is largely dormant though her energy is not.”

 

 

 

Clarke opens her eyes and looks at him. She knows he says that not because he heard it - _Wanheda_  wouldn't let him- but because he can read  _Clarke_  well. He heard her the whispers in her head only one night ago, when she was curious and unafraid of what he’d find; it was only after he found it did she fear it. She knows Claire, or Heda Kom Faete is largely a whisper within her except for her energy, she knows this because Claire has only spoken to her a few times. She knows Wanheda is simply another half of who Clarke is, she’s not dormant, she’s present because Clarke is present, and she speaks to Clarke as often as Clarke speaks to her because they are the _same_.

 

 

 

But fear is a funny thing; it can make you blind or reluctant to see. It creates mental blocks, walls and boundaries; something Clarke’s mind has always been good at. So though Clarke knows the truth, it does not mean she’s ready to fully accept it. _Stubborn is as stubborn does._ It’s easier to differentiate herself from Wanheda, or at least, she thinks it is… maybe it is just habit now…

 

 

 

And since there's no real point in denying it; "Yes." She confirms. "It has always been apparent to me but I have  _usually_  been able to get a grip on her. I know _I am Wanheda_ , but the more I lose control or fight for it, the more it does not feel like me at all. I lost control of her in ice nation when I killed King Roan; since then I had been doing so well... But," she pauses as a shiver shoots through her spine.

 

 

 

"I lost control in the last place I expected last night." She admits quietly, She swallows and glances at Lexa, the ghosts of tears burning her eyes. 

 

 

 

She looks back to Beland, she's certain he can see them but she doesn’t hide it for she knows he won’t judge her. "And then with Raven earlier I almost did again... I was afraid she would hurt them...I could have hurt _them_..." She says this tentatively looking away from Beland knowing he will understand that Lexa is included in the _'them'_.

 

 

 

Admitting it to her sworn protector is freeing and at the same time also burdening. It is different than divulging it to Raven because Beland and Bill understand the true extent of her situation. They have better understanding of this strange mix of spirit, soul, energy and person waging their own war inside her. As such, her fear, now that she's admitted it out loud, is intensified. 

 

 

 

_It's real._

 

 

 

And here's the kicker: Wanheda is somewhat fuelled by Clarke's fear, she feeds it to her and uses it to her advantage…. so what happens when Clarke fears herself?

 

 

 

_What happens when the fear I have of myself feeds the very thing I fear? Where does that leave me?_

 

 

 

Beland nods at her honesty and takes a beat considering his words, "Your heart is kind and strong, and ferociously passionate. It is why you did not hurt them, but _also why you could_."

 

 

 

Clarke furrows her brow not quite understanding. Or perhaps, not wanting to based on his tone of warning.

 

 

 

"In the same way that Bill lost control in his emotions when our village was attacked; you too could wreak havoc on those you love, even unintentionally, I would say probably more so considering that you are unique."

 

 

 

"Unique how?"

 

 

 

Beland's lips press, "You are not like the rest of us Clarke." He speaks softly, tentatively as if he's afraid to scare her. She doesn't miss the fact that he's now using her first name again; he's picked up on her unconscious instinct and current need to still differentiate herself from Wanheda. That she may accept and embrace her presence but that does not mean they properly coexist yet, that either side of her being may not be fully ready to take responsibility for the other yet.

 

 

 

"Heda is not wrong in saying your sprit is less obvious. Now, knowing the fact that your special talents go beyond that of the flames, that they involve your mind and heart as well, tells me you are different. The soul and spirit and person within you and that you are, is strange; all so powerful they seem to bend the rules, invent their own."

 

 

 

Clarke again, furrows her brow, this time in thought. "Heda Kom faete, Clarke, wanheda..."

 

 

 

"Sha, and whatever spirit guides you as well. Heda Kom Faete, or Claire as you also know her, is the key, Wanheda is the lock and you my friend are the door. Claire started your journey. It is my belief, from what I heard at the camp sight, that you did not come by your gift the same way we all did and she is the reason. Her end was a beginning."

 

 

 

"Beginning to what?"

 

 

 

"Beginning of your destiny." He considers this a moment and glances at his brother. "There is a way to try and figure it out. To see for sure-"

 

 

 

"But?" she can’t help but cut in knowing there’s a ‘but’, there’s almost _always_ a ‘but’.

 

 

 

"But judging by the strength of the souls entwined with yours there is no telling you will find the exact answer you seek... You may find answers you do not seek as well."

 

 

 

"Will this help me get better control of everything? ...of  _her_?"

 

 

 

"Well that depends," Bill is the one to answer.

 

 

 

She glances at him, "On what?"

 

 

 

"On you."

 

 

 

 _Of course it does;_  she really should have expected that answer. She sighs and taps her fingers against the palm of her other hand in front of her. "How does it work?"

 

 

 

"It is something like a vision quest; you will drink a tea with herbs that will loosen your grip on reality, loosen your mind. Then I can help guide you." Beland explains. "I have done it many times before."

 

 

 

"Why do you sound so tentative about it then?"

 

 

 

He swallows, "all minds are dangerous but your mind is a  _particularly_  dangerous place to be. The night I listened at the campfire I first noticed, then again today with you blocking me, and then of course there is your... _reaction_ to what you saw that night..."

 

 

 

"Okay I get it. I didn't handle it that well. That's fair," Clarke interjects not wishing to relive the memory of the new visions that flooded her mind that night. "Let me think about it," she finally says. It simply sounds like an inevitability and she has a feeling Beland caught it.

 

 

 

"Sha," he simply says with a nod.

 

 

 

They fall silent again while Clarke thinks about the conversation and what happened when Beland tried to listen to her mind; once again, she only finds herself more afraid of her own shadow. 

 

 

 

Is that her destiny? To fear herself, to constantly battle a war inside as well as on the outside?

 

 

 

Or will her destiny be to sacrifice some part of herself to win the war within her?

 

 

 

Victory in the name of sacrifice... 

 

 

 

 _No, fuck that noise_ , we  _are too stubborn for that._ I am _too stubborn for that._  Her heart is too ferociously compassionate and determined; her need to save everyone includes herself. It has to.

 

 

 

There is one more question now routing itself into Clarke's mind as well. One she didn’t expect amidst her other musings. She glances at Beland as her question bubbles on her tongue, "Did you know Ontari cannot see me clearly?"

 

 

 

Beland nods, " _Sha_ ," a smile creeps to his face, "You infuriated her more than once. You intrigued her, became something of an obsession…"

 

 

 

"I didn't notice," Clarke says dryly.

 

 

 

The twins chuckle at that before Beland continues. "She was extremely taken with you for multiple reasons. You impressed her."

 

 

 

Clarke rolls her eyes, "Like I care. What I'm wondering is if you can explain why that is. She said it was because she could see too many outcomes."

 

 

 

"At the time I did not know for sure why that could be, but now I am convinced Heda Kom Faete, or her _and_ Wanheda – _yes, I’m including you in Wanheda-_ are blocking her. Much like how Wanheda just did with me. You see, Ontari’s gift is not as easy as looking for a person; she has to search for their mind - you cannot see the future for someone if it does not have a compass."

 

 

 

Clarke nods, "Okay, I can work with that." She feels a little rush of energy course through her at the new knowledge that she is hindering Ontari without a conscious effort. She thinks for a moment, "Is that why I can sense her when she's looking for me?"

 

 

Beland smiles at her proudly, "Not many pick up on their mind being invaded, and once again you impress me, though by the knowledge I got today it does not surprise me."

 

 

"Lexa can feel it too."

 

 

"That doesn't surprise me either. Her mind has a strong foundation as well. Her spirit is tied to yours in a way I don’t yet comprehend."

 

 

 

“She says we are of one mind.”

 

 

 

“It is _more_ than that Clarke.” Bill says passionately causing her to glance at him briefly. She, of course, knows this but she is surprised that Bill acknowledges it.

 

 

 

“He doesn’t need to hear your whispers to see your connection is special, more special than ours.” Beland explains.

 

 

 

Clarke nods, turning her gaze back to the action in front of her. She smiles as she watches Lexa and Aden spar with the daggers. They both have huge grins on their faces for something so serious. It warms her insides and her lionheart purrs. 

 

 

 

Her mind however, is still grinding away. She lets the silence hang around them for a while before she speaks again.

 

 

 

" _I will be gone for a few days. I want you two here, while I'm gone your to watch over them_." It’s an order delivered in trig. She doesn't specify, she doesn't elaborate, she commands. " _Em sonrauns ste ai sonraun.”_ _Their lives are my life._

 

 

 

" _Sha Wanheda,"_ Beland nods.

 

 

 

But Bill is not so okay with this and she can tell by the way he locks his jaw and clenches his hands. 

 

 

 

She huffs as she catches it in the corner of her eye. " _I will be back within the week. I will be okay."_

 

 

 

_"We cannot protect you if we are not there."_

 

 

 

She shakes her head. Not long ago he was sending her away because he feared what he could do to her. Now he's mad she's leaving him behind.

 

 

 

" _You can and you will; you'll do it by protecting those I love."_ She raises her chin, " _Em sonrauns ste ai sonraun._ " She repeats sternly in trig. Wanheda is not fucking around on this and she lets her stand her ground. 

 

 

 

Bill only nods in reluctant acceptance.

 

 

 

She needs to do this on her own. She can't take anyone with her and risk exposure. She's not stupid. She knows this won't be completed in a night and she feels better knowing she's leaving Polis with two extra eyes on the people she cares for. 

 

 

 

And if she's being honest, she's currently more afraid of the conversations she still has to have before she leaves than the mission itself; probably because they are a little more immediate. She purses her lips as her eyes drift from Octavia to Lexa back to Octavia and back again.

 

 

And just like that a new question burns into her mind.

 

 

_...Has she always feared her feelings this much?_

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MY FUCK, I LOVE THIS SAGA.
> 
>  
> 
> JESUS.
> 
>  
> 
> Fuck you Jason.


	48. Emotional Warfare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is large...just so large and I'm not sure how it came to this length... no one even dies...

 

 

Clarke stays for the next few hours of the afternoon with the natblida in the nightgrove. 

 

 

 

She watches and participates in the remaining instructions on battle preparedness and examples of unrest within ranks. Clarke has limited experience in this so she finds herself learning plenty as well. She listens as Lexa describes an example that includes her. One she did not know about but should have expected. The unrest that Lexa dealt with after Clarke killed Finn was more intense than she thought; little did she know while she was crying her eyes out Lexa was forced to kill two more of her own people for questioning her leniency with Clarke.

 

 

 

Even before they really knew each other Lexa was instinctively protecting Clarke; even before they shared any connection Clarke was causing trouble and making people think Lexa was weak. This new information is troublesome for Clarke; it raises a whole new feeling of guilt. Yes, it was many months ago and yes, it feels like a lifetime ago -- but the knowledge is fresh. The knowledge adds on to the guilt she carries for other circumstances that only arrived due to Clarke. It adds on to the guilt she feels but has been pretty good at carrying on her shoulders.

 

 

 

The only real issue with that is Clarke has a lot of people leaning on her, a lot of things weighing on her and she’s running out of shoulders…

 

 

 

She joins in on the final workout and stretches before the kids are lined up behind Aden and Titus and heading back towards the city. A small wink and wave in her direction from Kai is the last thing she sees of the kids before they’re ushered down the path.

 

 

 

Clarke directs the twins to stand watch (not that she needed to.), they move into position like this wasn’t their first time there.

 

 

 

Lexa approaches her after handing a dagger back to Octavia and sharing some short words. Octavia hangs back, replacing the dagger on her thigh and then leaning against the short rock wall on the far side.

 

 

 

"Hey," Clarke breathes softly when she's close enough to place her hands on Lexa’s hips. Her eyes dance in deep greens and flecks of gold. Clarke doesn’t mean to sound so emotional but she can’t help it, there’s a lot on her mind and the recent information only fueled it.

 

 

 

Lexa's features are soft though the edges of her face are sharp as knives. The afternoon sunlight is making her tanned skin glow beneath a slight sheen of sweat. Her long sleeve shirt pushed up to the elbows and her braids and curls land on either shoulder. The golden emblem on her forehead is sharp and regal in the sunlight. She leans in and kisses Clarke. There’s a hint of salty sweat mixing with minty sweetness generously coating Clarke’s lips when she pulls away.

 

 

 

When Lexa leans out of the kiss, sliding her toned arms around Clarke’s lower back, she gives her a slightly sad grin, "She knows something's up." It sounds like a definite warning.

 

 

 

Clarke groans glancing at Octavia knowing full well whom the  _'she'_  is. She rubs her thumbs against Lexa’s hips unconsciously as the brunette’s thumbs mimic her own against the small of her back. "How does she know? No one knows but us and Raven." 

 

 

 

Lexa presses her lips realizing that she had confided a somewhat sensitive issue with Raven, "Ah..." She starts to say, but has no defense, in fact, _she shouldn't need one._

 

 

 

Clarke and Lexa’s dynamic was built on secrets and trust; they fought with it in TonDC after Finn’s funeral pyre and the poisoning; they bonded over it through the bombing of TonDC; they fought over it again with Octavia knowing that very secret; they _used_ Bellamy in secret to infiltrate the enemy... this list  _literally_  could go on. 

 

 

 

She has every right to confide in Raven, someone who she knows for damn certain has Clarke's trust as well and who would die before betraying either of them.

 

 

 

Turns out, Clarke agrees wholeheartedly. 

 

 

"It's fine, I get why you told her. Relax Lex." Clarke says gently squeezing Lexa’s hips while coaxing a small smile from her lips at her honey-husked voice. "But I know Raven didn't tell her so how does she know?"

 

 

 

"She doesn't know what is happening  _exactly_ , but she knows you're planning something. She knows you well Clarke." Lexa tells her. She glances at Octavia, "I know being a friend and being her leader is a difficult dance; it's hard to find the line between friendship and duty for you, but you must learn it's not all black and white, things are grey as well.”

 

 

 

She watches Clarke intently, “And you need to give both yourself _and_ Octavia more credit. She respects you so much, she  _trusts you,_ and she has followed you and supported you in both roles easily to the best of her ability. She is  _willingly_  and  _dutifully_  bound to you Clarke. She deserves your respect enough to return that trust to her in either role; you aren't being true to yourself if you pick and choose between the two whenever you feel it suits you." Her tone is stern but still gentle in a way only Lexa can pull off.

 

 

 

"I do respect her." Clarke says, knowing full well that Lexa is intending to remind her of all the times Octavia has had her back both as her warrior and as her friend, her sister.

 

 

 

Lexa steps a bit closer, about to press her, making sure to look for the truth behind blue eyes; she knows she does but Clarke needs to be reminded. She can’t do everything on her own and it’s not healthy to only confide in Lexa. What happens when Lexa’s not around? Clarke can’t close herself off to everyone else because she’s found a safe place. She needs to remember that there are other safe places.

 

 

 

"You trust her with your life? With your heart?"

 

 

 

Clarke nods and answers without hesitation, "Of course. I wasn’t intentionally choosing when to trust her… I didn’t think of it that way… I just- I don’t know what I was thinking." She wanted to avoid having to tell her to stay behind; she wanted to tell her to come to give her courage; she wanted her to not hate her for leaving her behind once again... She wanted to not have to break that belief that Clarke trusts her by telling her to stay behind thinking that’s the only way Octavia would view it…

 

 

 

"If you trust her with those things then trust her to trust you. I know in your mind you’re doing it this way to protect yourself and her but don't try to coddle her Clarke; she's had enough of that from her brother. Really talk to her; she knows you've been keeping her in the dark about more than just your visit to the desert and delphi. She's hurt."

 

 

 

"She didn't say anything."

 

 

 

"She's respecting the line you have recently drawn."

 

 

 

Clarke shakes her head, "I didn't do it intentionally."

 

 

 

Lexa touches their foreheads together, "I know. You've had a lot going on, it happens.” She says it with a note of experience in her voice and Clarke suck her cheeks and nods. "Just talk to her Clarke. Don’t be afraid. I'll see you at dinner  _ai_   _houmon_." Lexa presses her lips to Clarke’s, reveling in the increasing ease in which she uses that term. In Lexa’s mind they are already bound, they’ve already made their pledges long ago in the quiet warmth of their tent in TonDC; they proved to uphold it more than once already and as such, the ceremony is just a formality. _Houmon_ , Lexa thinks with a soft smile as she steps out of Clarke’s hold.

 

 

 

Meanwhile, Clarke is left with the taste of Lexa on her lips and the feeling that she was just subtly scolded and lovingly soothed. She furrows her brow as she watches her leave the grove in a glow of blinding light. Clarke rounds to see Octavia eyeing her now, sword in hand.

 

 

 

"Well come on, it's been a few days and your head’s better now  _Wanheda_ ; Or is sparring with me something else we no longer do?"

 

 

 

Clarke raises her eyebrows at the comment and the tone. Her temper is quick; even though she knows Octavia is hurt and she hurt her, it stings to have that hateful glare and tone directed at her. She tilts her head and swallows her venom filled retort. "I see passive aggressive is still your default mode." She bites her tongue as Octavia winces at her words.

_Okay, maybe she didn’t swallow all of her venom..._

 

 

_Breathe. Clarke._

 

 

 

She takes a breath and wonders if she is going to have confrontations with _all_ her loved ones today. 

 

 

 

"My head is fine," she says as she crosses the distance, tossing her cloak on the grass when Octavia swallowed her wince and shook her head in disappointment.

 

 

 

If she's going to have a temperamental, angry Octavia she may as well use her hurt and aggression for both their sakes. Give them both an outlet.

 

 

 

She turns unsheathing her sword and giving it a couple twirls flexing and loosening out her wrist. It feels good to wield it with purpose, Octavia was right - it had been a few days. She'd be lying if she said she didn't miss the rush it gives her. 

 

 

 

Octavia’s typically bright eyes are cloudy with an oncoming storm. Clarke sees anger and hurt that she caused. She takes a deep breath as they both enter their fighting stances.

 

 

 

It isn’t long before they are both sweating. 

 

 

 

Clarke has been forced to fend off more than attack. Octavia is a little ball of fury, a lot of pent up aggression and hurt feelings that could have been avoided if Clarke had been communicating. Now that all that anger and hurt is coming at her and wielding not one but two sharp blades, she sees it clear as day. She feels _horrible_ now she sees it, now she is  _attacked_  by it.

 

 

 

She loses her footing and stumbles backwards; she has a split second before Octavia is on top of her, dagger to her throat. “That’s three times in less than ten minutes Clarke, what the actual fuck?”

 

 

 

Clarke huffs out a dejected breath staring at the blade against her throat. Wanheda growls at her inside in rage, three times in less than ten minutes she’s technically ‘dead’ if this had been for real. She shoves Octavia off her and sits up leaning back on the palms of her hands. Octavia crouches slipping her dagger away and resting her chin on the handle of her sword, tip pressed into the earth. 

 

 

 

" _Well_?" Octavia asks again when Clarke says nothing and doesn't meet her eyes.

 

 

 

“Clarke-”

 

 

 

"Are you really that mad at me?"

 

 

 

Octavia narrows her eyes, "You're going to get killed if you keep thinking about your opponents feelings."

 

 

 

"Don't do that. Don't deflect O, you're angry with me."

 

 

 

"Maybe I am."

 

 

 

"Care to use your words now instead of your sword?"

 

 

 

“That’s rich coming from you _Wanheda_.” That was a low blow, meant to sting. Octavia continues, "Care to tell me why you think I can't be trusted? Care to tell me why you won't talk to me? Care to tell me what I've done wrong?"

 

 

 

Clarke's eyes widen at the last statement. She pushes past her own hurt and rushes to comfort her friend from pain she caused. "You haven't done anything wrong Octavia," she says leaning forward and placing a hand on her knee. 

 

 

 

"Then what the fuck Griffin? For weeks you haven't talked to me about anything other than duty when no one else is with us; something I _never_ expected from you. I thought we were _friends_ _first_."

 

 

 

Clarke winces at the rough hurt in her friend’s voice. "We are O.  _We are,"_ she says with more vigour when Octavia looks at her with doubt. "There's just been a lot going on." Clarke says lamely. 

 

 

 

"Yeah, that’s typically when you talk to your friends." Octavia comments dryly.

 

 

 

Clarke sighs and pushes her hair off her shoulder, "I know. I haven't been a very good one lately, have I?"

 

 

 

"Not the best friend you used to be..."

 

 

 

"I asked you to stand with me at my wedding.”

 

 

 

" _And I will_ , but that girl that asked me hasn't talked to me in a long time." Octavia says quietly, her raspy voice breaking Clarke's heart with each syllable. "And now who's deflecting?" she points out.

 

 

 

Clarke purses her lips, "Right. Sorry."

 

 

 

"I'm not looking for an apology Clarke; I'm looking for my best friend and wondering what the fuck happened to her. What changed?"

 

 

 

"Nothing changed; at least not anything with you. I haven't really been discussing this with anyone, _not until today apparently_. It's nothing you did O, _please_ believe that." She squeezes her thigh again. "You have done absolutely nothing wrong, you've been a patient friend and a loyal warrior. We _are_ friends first, you’re the sister I never got in space and we found each other on the ground… I didn't shut you out on purpose."  _Not really, anyways_. 

 

 

 

"Well then here's your chance to make up for it." Octavia says with a wave of her hand.

 

 

 

Clarke nods and gives her a weak smile. She opens her mouth to speak and hesitates. 

 

 

 

"Oh for fuck’s sake, don't make me guess Clarke."

 

 

 

Clarke chuckles when Octavia gives her a playful nudge. "I just am not sure where to begin. There's a lot..."

 

 

 

"Well, why don't we start with what's had you so sullen or what has Lexa so jumpy? Or are they related?"

 

 

 

"Kind of related, I guess? In a way..." Clarke sighs, "I'm leaving."

 

 

 

"You're leaving Lexa?" Octavia’s voice raises and her eyes shoot wide in disbelief.

 

 

 

"Keep your voice down and _god_ _no_ , like that's even a possibility." Clarke rolls her eyes. "I mean I'll be out of polis for about a week."

 

 

 

"When do we leave?"

 

 

 

"You're not coming. No one is coming." Clarke keeps her eyes on her; she deserves to see the hurt that will follow.

 

 

 

Octavia's mouth snaps shut. Clarke sees the wounded look in her eyes once more and is quick to clarify. "It's not because I don't need your help O, or don’t think you can help me. I didn’t tell you because I knew you would want to come, and I knew I would have to say ‘no’ and I knew it would hurt you for me to do so… The truth is, I know you could help - even just to give me courage if that’s what I needed - and a part of me wishes I could bring you but I can't, not where I'm going and not for what I have to do."

 

 

 

"Which is..."

 

 

 

"A little covert Wanheda operation..."

 

 

 

"Clarke, need I remind you that the last time you took a covert Wanheda mission _I was with you_ and we still had our ass's handed to us by Roan. I was unconscious and you were taken and had to crawl back from death after your trial..."

                                                                                                                                                                              

 

 

"No reminder necessary, but thanks."

 

 

 

"So explain to me how you going alone is better than bringing me or anyone else?"

 

 

 

"The flames."

 

 

 

"Okay, so you can get in and out quickly but you can't watch your own back Clarke." Octavia points out.

 

 

 

"If I do this properly I shouldn't need to." Clarke's sighs, "Look, I'm not going crashing through anyone's front door. I'm simply going to infiltrate the Desert and Delphi clans main camps."

 

 

 

" _Simply_?"

 

 

 

Clarke shrugs, "I don't know how difficult it will be yet but yes, _simply_ , there's no sense in planning wide scale when I have yet to even set my eyes on the camps."

 

 

 

"So let me get this straight: you're going in blind, alone and without a plan to potentially hostile territory..." Octavia stares at her, " _alone."_ She repeats _._

 

 

 

Again Clarke finds herself nodding, "when you put it that way it sounds terrible." 

 

 

 

"Well duh, because _it is terrible_. That's not a covert mission it sounds like suicide."

 

 

 

"It's not,” Clarke insists, _she hopes_. “I got some help from Raven, a little added _'oomph'_ for the ghost story I plan to tell."

 

 

 

"Clarke this isn't a storybook and you're not a ghost!" Octavia's wild eyes stare at her like they've never seen her before. 

 

 

 

"You miss my point O." Clarke says standing up and sticking her arm out to help Octavia up. "I'm going to use the stories about me to persuade them to speak or act. I'm going to find out who's with us and against us in those clans."

 

 

 

"So there is a plan?"

 

 

 

"It's a loose plan but it's a plan..."

 

 

 

Octavia sighs and runs a hand through her braids, "Well, it sounds an awful lot like you’re winging it. This ‘loose’ plan, you have faith in it?"

 

 

 

"Yes.”

 

 

 

"And more importantly do you have faith in yourself?"

 

 

 

Clarke stares at her for a moment and takes a deep breath. _Be honest, she deserves it._ "That's partially why I'm doing this," she admits not unlike how she admitted it to Raven. 

 

 

 

"Okay," Octavia says, "you don't have to explain _that_ to me. I get it, I've been doing the same thing since my feet touched the ground..."

 

 

 

Clarke nods sadly in understanding. "You have. Which is exactly why I should have talked to you sooner O. I really am sorry."

 

 

 

"It's alright. You're talking to me now." Octavia claps her on the shoulder and leaves her hand there. "Whatever you think you need to prove to yourself, you should know you don't need to prove it to us... We have faith in you Clarke _\- all of us._ I know we like to think Wanheda is a separate entity but our faith isn’t in that title, it’s in _you_.”

 

 

 

Clarke doesn't know how to respond with words that are caught in her throat so instead she hugs her friend close. They each bury their noses into each other's slightly sweaty necks and find solace in their understanding. She can feel the foundation of their friendship harden once more and stand tall, true to shape and powerful to behold. 

 

 

In that and her soft sigh at the contact, Clarke's silent _'thank you'_ is heard loud and clear.

 

 

To emphasize that, Octavia whispers, "You're welcome."

 

 

 

Lexa was right Octavia deserves more credit. She didn't look at Clarke like she betrayed her when she was honest; she looked at Clarke like she was _concerned_ for her. Clarke didn’t even have to explain her issues with _Wanheda;_ Octavia just confirmed her understanding of Clarke’s internal plight. She understands well what it means to find herself, to feel she needs to prove herself. Raven was right as well; Clarke is a fucking moron sometimes. She shouldn’t have been so afraid to talk to Octavia. She shouldn’t have been afraid to talk to either of them.

 

 

 

_Again, when did she start to fear her feelings?_

 

 

 

Clarke and Octavia head down the path together in a much lighter mood. Issues solved and damage repaired. The twins walk a few paces behind, their eyes on the people they pass when they exit the path and make their way through the city. 

 

 

 

When they get back to the tower the four of them head to the dining hall. Clarke eats as much as she can stomach knowing full well five sets of eyes keep landing on her. She works to ignore Raven and Octavia's worried glances. She knows the twins are just doing their job so she's used to them staring.

 

 

 

But the set of eyes she can't ignore and also can't bring herself to look at are Lexa's. She knows she'll see concern laced within her stoic expression; the very things that will make Clarke second-guess this decision. The very eyes that will make her hesitate to leave again.

 

 

 

To her credit, Lexa has not breeched the subject though it looms above them like a storm cloud. To Clarke's delight, Lexa's stoicism crumbles and a small smile forms as soon as Kai throngs over, leg of chicken in hand. She plops herself on Clarke's knee without any invitation and Clarke obliges her happily pulling her close. She knows as she leans in to smell Kai’s head that Lexa is now smiling wider, she doesn’t feel it, she just knows it happens whenever she does it. She knows it brings back memories of the three of them bonding in their bed, of Lexa smelling Kai’s head like a mother for the first time.

 

 

"Can I stay with you tonight?" Kai asks happily swinging her legs and gnawing on her leg of chicken.

 

 

"Not tonight," Lexa says gently looking away briefly as Kai's face falls in disappointment. She accepts a refill on her drink from Mira, glad for the distraction.

 

 

Clarke smiles sadly knowing that Lexa would want to indulge Kai's wishes but can't because of her and having to explain Clarke’s absence. They hadn't really discussed what they would tell everyone yet…

 

 

But Clarke also knows that in her absence Lexa appreciates Kai's presence, she helps distract her from her longing and worrying. She provides a special kind of solace and comfort you can only find in a child. 

 

 

As such, Clarke is compelled to look after her needs as well so she speaks. "I'm going to be going to visit Ziva and Zora," she lies.

 

 

It's a good one, one that should easily explain her absence; she's been going there for months to train. It's not a huge secret. She flashes a grin at Lexa and whispers in Kai's ear; "sneak up there an hour after lights out, she'll need you to watch over her for me okay?"

 

 

Kai turns and looks at Clarke very seriously. "I can do that."

 

 

"Good," she kisses her temple, "if you don't make her smile you've failed me, got it?" She whispers playfully knowing Kai won't ever fail that request. 

 

 

"You got it dude."

 

 

" _Dude_?" Lexa pipes up after watching the exchange with a smile. "I think you're hanging out with Little Bird too much."

 

 

" _Actually_ , I taught her that one," Octavia says trying to keep the massive hunk of meat in her mouth while she talks.

 

 

"Say it don't spray it babe," Raven says pulling her plate of food away from the falling debris escaping her girlfriend’s mouth. 

 

 

When they have finished eating and are ready to split off for the evening Clarke gives Kai and big hug and a kiss on her cheek, "remember what I told you?"

 

 

The girl nods, again very seriously. "Good. I love you kid, be good while I'm gone."

 

 

" _Sha_ _Noumon_ ," Kai hugs her tight around her neck. " _Ai hod yu in,_  come back soon."

 

 

"What she said," Raven says giving Clarke a hug next and causing Clarke to chuckle softly into her brown hair. 

 

 

"Watch over her and Lexa Rae, please?" she breathes into her friends ear.

 

 

"Consider it done.”

 

 

"Be safe Clarke. If you're in trouble get the fuck out of there okay?" Octavia grabs her by the shoulders after their hug and doesn't let go until Clarke meets her gaze and nods. "I love you more than Raven, remember that." Clarke laughs as she’s pulled into a tight hug again.

 

 

"You lie like a rug," Raven scoffs wrapping her arms around Octavia's small frame and resting her chin on her shoulder. She places a soft kiss on her neck and glances at Clarke, "Shouldn't you be upstairs by now?"

 

 

Clarke furrows her brow and realizes that except for the twins, the natblida, Mira and her friends, they are the only one’s still in the room. 

 

 

Clarke realizes that Lexa didn't wait for her. 

 

 

How did she not realize at dinner that she couldn't feel her; she knows for a fact that Lexa seeing Clarke with Kai sends her into overdrive and she can't help but let Clarke feel it...

 

_And yet…_

 

 

She didn't.

 

 

Clarke sighs. That's what she was afraid was going to happen, Lexa was blocking her out to keep her from knowing her worry and pain; she’s almost certain of it.

 

 

_She's a blind fucking moron sometimes._

 

 

She sighs again when she exits the room and heads to the elevator. Her giant shadow men following her every step.

 

 

" _You have your orders,_ " she says to the twins, _"I'll be back within a week. Keep them safe. Mochof."_

 

 

As soon as the doors close she shuts her eyes and tries to keep her breathing slow and regular. 

 

 

(She fails.) 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Clarke rests her hand on the knob to their door. She’s not exactly sure what to expect on the other side of it. She is fairly sure that it will be Lexa, walls carefully built, erect and trying to keep Clarke out. There’s two ways she could play it; she can take a sledgehammer to those walls or she can slowly climb them and hope they don’t crumble under her weight.

 

 

Unfortunately, she thinks the sledgehammer is the only way to do it tonight. Being blocked out by Lexa emotionally when they first met was always difficult to swallow, understandable but difficult. Being blocked out by Lexa emotionally while using her energy is something else entirely. It’s pain for both of them; it shakes their trust in each other, it creates an unnecessary barrier – one they’ve worked so hard at destroying, and it makes them question themselves, their motives.

 

 

Clarke takes a deep breath and turns the handle pushing the door and entering their room.

 

 

She was expecting a multitude of things when she entered.

 

 

An empty room was not one of them. She feels herself getting frustrated, increasingly so as she realizes she can’t sense where Lexa even is right now. It pisses her off quite frankly. Wanheda growls while Clarke tries to get a handle on herself.

 

 

She’s hurt.

 

 

She hates this. She understands completely but she still hates it. She thinks this is worse than Lexa just telling her what was going on. She understands how she made Octavia feel.

 

 

 _It fucking sucks._ She clenches her jaw and closes her eyes refusing to let her hurt run rampant into misplaced anger. She should be angry with herself not Lexa, she knows that, and yet here she is angry with both of them.

 

 

_Breathe, you asshole. This is your fault._

_She’s just trying to protect the both of you._

_So am I…_

 

 

She needs to move, she can’t just stand here and she can’t go find Lexa all worked up like this. She needs to occupy herself, make her feel like she’s moving forward instead of taking three steps backwards like she thinks she is. She moves to the bed and makes sure to finish packing her bag.

 

 

She packs light. The items from Raven are tucked away in her satchel already. She puts extra vials in along with two days worth of clothes; she can wash them in a river if she needs to. She grabs a few extra assassin blades in case she needs to replace the ones she already carries on her person and in her cloak. She grabs bandages and medical supplies; she’s not expecting to get out of this without a scratch.

 

 

As she continues to grab the last few items her mind begins to calm, but only slightly. Her temper has somewhat stifled itself but she can still feel the embers of it just waiting for the oxygen to breathe again.

 

 

She breathes nice and slow, controlled as she puts her war paint on. One black streak with her thumb and three fingers, from her forehead to her cheek and the mask is complete. As soon as the mask is in place she feels better; wearing the mark of Wanheda on her face is oddly calming.

 

 

Or it is until she looks at herself in the mirror and shivers.

 

 

_Why does it feel like I’m about to go to war with Lexa?_

She stares long and hard at herself; no matter what she does she can’t help but see herself _and_ Wanheda. Images ghosting over each other in her reflection, like she can actually see the veil of spirit and soul along with the person. _They are one but not whole. Not yet._ If she narrows her eyes and focuses hard enough she can make them match up, can make them steady and complete, no veil.

 

 

It doesn’t last for long. She blinks and once again the veil and ghostly shadow of herself is there. She shakes her head and closes her eyes taking in a deep breath. Lexa hasn’t returned, it’s been over twenty minutes surely by now. She wonders if Lexa doesn’t want to see her off. She wonders if Lexa hasn’t returned because she’s more angry with this decision than she let on. She wonders if Lexa is blocking her out because she doesn’t want Clarke to feel her doubt…

 

 

Clarke stares at her pack on the bed. She considers leaving right then.

 

 

_If that’s what she wants, that’s what she’ll get._

 

 

 _Don’t be an asshole you asshole. You can’t just_ leave _. She deserves better than that. Suck it up Griffin._

She’s not sure who exactly just scolded herself. It sounded and awful lot like a mix of Octavia, Raven, Wanheda and Clarke. Clarke rolls her eyes and breathes out low and full of frustration. Clarke walks to the end of the bed and fastens her second cloak around her - this one is all black. She leaves the hood down for now and carefully clips her shoulder guard in place. Her sword is on her hip, her daggers are strapped on and her curved blade is snug on her lower back. She takes one last look around the room, slings her bow over her shoulder along with arrows and grabs her satchel.

 

 

There’s one more thing she needs before she can leave and it’s in the throne room.

 

 

There’s a fuzzy feeling inside her that tells her that’s where the thing she needs most is as well. Her nerves buck inside her again but she can’t avoid this any longer, Clarke leaves their room with her things in a tornado of flames. A second later and her feet are solid on the cement of the room. When the flames recede she is caught by surprise.

 

 

The throne room is dark.

 

 

 _Really_ dark. _Really_ cold. No candles are lit; the only light in the room comes from the odd dusk light that’s a mix of sun and moon. It billows in from the balcony shrouding the throne in eerie light. Clarke’s eyes widen as she sees Lexa seated in the throne, shoulders sagged and leaning over her knees, hands holding up her head.

 

 

It takes Clarke’s breath away for a _terrible_ reason. She’s never seen Lexa look so _defeated,_ so troubled. At least, she’s never seen it this clearly in her posture; she’s only had glimpses in her eyes up until now and Clarke feels as terrible as the scene in front of her. It’s depressing. It’s sullen. It’s moody.

 

 

It’s her fault.

 

 

And still, she can’t help but thinks she’s in the right to do this. To spend one night in the arms of her _houmon_ and hastily move into hostile territory the next one is a necessity right now. The twins are the first stage in people that they hope will be seeking them out; looking for leadership they can rely on and trust, looking for leadership that can promise them a better future, looking for leadership they are willing to die for. They need to start spreading that message that they are that leadership. They need to start looking for those people in return. They need to find each other.

 

 

Clarke falls to her knees in front of Lexa her hand reaching but not touching. She doesn’t know what to say. All that comes out is a breathless “ _Ai niron, beja.” My love, please._

 

She doesn’t know what she’s asking. Please don’t be upset? Please don’t break? Please be strong? Please don’t block me out? Please let me feel what you feel?

 

 

Lexa doesn’t respond. She doesn’t look up. Clarke watches as her chest rises and falls slowly, deep breathing while her eyes are far off and distant while they’re glued to her lap. Clarke again, reaches out but this time her hand hovers, hesitant to try to lift Lexa’s chin. Her nerves and emotions getting the best of her, her lip trembles and her hand shakes before she pulls it back and stands turning her back and walking a few steps away.

 

 

She swallows Wanheda’s urge to rip Lexa from the throne and make her look at her. She begins to get increasingly nervous, increasingly angry with herself the longer the silence continues. She growls in frustration and spins back around.

 

 

Lexa is in front of her causing Clarke to take a step backwards in shock. Again, she didn’t sense her; hell, she didn’t even hear her. Lexa pushes a cup towards Clarke, "Drink."

 

 

Clarke takes the cup on instinct, "You think that's a good idea before I go?"

 

 

"One cup, your nerves are rolling off of you."

 

 

Clarke bites her tongue and swallows the cup in one go. “In that case I’ll have another,” she finally says with a bite to her tone.

 

 

Lexa doesn’t react; she nods once and moves to refill the cup. Again, Clarke downs it in one go, her eyes glued to Lexa as she puts the jug back on the table. Her jaw juts back and forth, a rough mix of frustration and hurt.

 

 

 _TALK TO ME!_ She mentally yells at Lexa.

 

 

Nothing except the comment on her nerves and the glance at her feet from Lexa tells her that Lexa isn’t blocking Clarke out from herself, she’s simply blocking Clarke from feeling Lexa.

 

 

“Sorry, that must not feel good; the nerves…” she tries not to sound hurt or angry. She’s trying to use honey and not Wanheda’s vinegar.

 

 

"Don't apologize; you have a nerve wracking few days ahead of you." Lexa says dismissively, her attention now to a piece of parchment on the table.

 

 

Clarke laughs coldly causing Lexa to whirl her head to look at her questioningly. _Finally, a reaction!_ "You really think I'm nervous about what I'm going to do?"

 

 

"Aren't you?"

 

 

Clarke scoffs and turns around in her own frustration.  _Be honest._ “No. I’m nervous about whatever the fuck is happening right now.” She takes a short breath and sighs sadly, "You think I don't know when you're blocking me out?"

 

 

“I don’t need to let you in at all times Clarke. I have a right to have feelings that are my own.”

 

 

Clarke turns around and glares at her, she takes two quick steps forward as anger bubbles, “ _You have a right to feelings of your own_? _Seriously Lexa_? Turns out you’re not just a liar, you’re a hypocrite just like I am!”

 

 

It’s a low blow pulling them back to a time they barely knew each other, barely understood each other’s plight. She knows this and she doesn’t find herself feeling bad -- she can’t when she finally sees a crack in Lexa’s walls.

 

 

_Sledgehammer it is._

Clarke moves again and Lexa takes a step backwards, “You get to feel and read whatever the fuck you want from me and yet you _choose_ and put effort into blocking me out? You push me away intentionally!”

 

 

Lexa clenches her jaw and glances away.

 

 

“No. You look at me damn it!” Clarke rages coming forward again even as Lexa steps back. Clarke doesn’t stop, with every word she pushes Lexa backwards, “Look at me! You may block me out with your energy but you can’t hide what’s in your eyes. I see. Right. Through. You.” Clarke invades Lexa’s space as her back hits the table their eyes lock and Clarke’s breath hitches because she can finally see it through the darkness of the room. What she sees softens her, erases her rage and breaks her heart at once.

 

 

She slowly reaches up and cups Lexa’s cheek; through the dark she now sees the red-rimmed eyes, the puffy lids and wet streaks on her cheek. Lexa was crying, had been for quite some time. Clarke moves her thumb to dry it before another leaks out.

 

 

“I’m trying to protect you,” Lexa chokes out quietly.

 

 

“I don’t need protection from you.”

 

 

Lexa shakes her head and laughs pitifully through her tears, _“Yes_ you do. You have no idea Clarke.”

 

 

“Don’t. Don’t do that, don’t try to tell me you’re protecting me without explaining why Lexa. If you don’t have faith in me to get this done, just fucking tell me! _This_ , this is worse than hiding it from me, this hurts more than letting me feel that lack of faith.”

 

 

Lexa clenches her jaw again and her eyes flare. This time she steps closer, their bodies touching and causing Clarke to take a step backwards. “ _Lack of faith?”_ she seethes, “Lack of faith in you Clarke? You think that’s what I’m protecting you from?”

 

 

She takes another step to make up for Clarke backing up again in confusion. “It is not lack of faith in you. I have _never_ lacked faith in you! You want to know? You want to know what I’m protecting you from, why I have been working since this morning when we left our room to keep you out, to keep you from feeling what I feel?”

 

 

“YES DAMN IT!”

 

 

“FINE!”

 

 

Clarke buckles and falls to her knees on the hard cement as Lexa towers over her. She feels every ounce of emotional turmoil from Lexa as she fucking blasts it through her walls and straight to Clarke. No barrier, no filter, just pure emotion. Tears erupt from her eyes. Her chest wracks in instantaneously painful choking sobs. She hangs her head.

 

 

She’s had multiple injuries. She’s had multiple cuts and bruises to her body. She has had her heart broken, her humanity dragged in the dirt and the constant need to question herself.

 

 

But she has _never_ felt pain like this.

 

 

She feels herself unsteady, wimpering and wincing as each wave from Lexa feels like it is cutting her clean through. Her heart doesn’t just hurt – _it aches._

 

 

And then it hits her; she knows why she feared her feelings so much. She knows because they can be excruciatingly painful and right now, they are rocketing through her but they are not her own at all.

 

 

It’s Lexa’s pain she feels.

 

 

She swallows her next sob, she doesn’t care how unsuccessfully, she pushes herself to stand grimacing as she does. She moves her body like it weighs a thousand pounds, she stumbles to her knees, she doesn’t think she can rise again and Lexa is not letting up. Clarke can hear herself screaming through the pain as she rises again and this time she fights through the waves pushing her back down, the ones making her want to crawl into a hole, she grabs Lexa forcefully.

 

 

She pushes through her pain, one hand on Lexa’s hip the other on the back of her neck and she dips her into her arms and crashes her lips to her own. She shoves her tongue into Lexa’s mouth and pulls their bodies closer. Her heart roars for them both and she forces every fucking ounce of love and devotion she has for the woman in her arms to Lexa. She pushes and pushes until the pain begins to abate. She uses her energy, her fire, her passion to melt away the wall's foundations and soothe their aching hearts.

 

 

“I had no idea,” Clarke says righting them and keeping her locked tight to her body. “I had no idea you felt like that,” she’s crying again in deep remorse.

 

 

Lexa wipes at the tear, “Now you know. Now you know what I'm feeling. Now you know how scared I am, how _weak_  I can be. We are supposed to have our bonding ceremony in two weeks time and you have barely concerned yourself with the preparations...”

 

 

Clarke stares at her unexpected reveal. It's not _just_ the pain from Clarke leaving into the unknown, “I- I'm sorry." Her voice cracks and she shakes her head slightly. "I-"

 

 

"Forgot?"

 

 

Clarke sigh and snaps her mouth shut. She did. She forgot about the upcoming day, a day that was supposed to be what she should be focusing on. And instead, here she is taking off in the night to become a ghost. _God Damn, Clarke._

 

 

 "I am really failing everyone lately aren't I? ...I just had so much on my mind that the day just sort of got closer without me realizing it."

 

 

"I understand Clarke. It _just...hurts."_ Lexa sighs and Clarke crumbles a little more.

 

 

"Is it like that every time I leave?”

 

 

Lexa nods once, “I may have embellished a _little_ but-”

 

 

“ _But_ I was pushing to hard…yeah, kind of took a sledgehammer to this one didn’t I? That was a lot to take, a lot for one person to hang on to and hold inside... I just- don’t do that again, don’t block me out Lex, it gets us no where.”

 

 

“I’m sorry I pushed so much at you, I just don’t know what I would do without you Clarke. Since you came crashing into my life my world is different, righted with incredible breaks of calm in a raging storm. I need you.”

 

 

“Don’t worry about letting me feel that, I deserve it, I _pushed_ for it… And honestly, it wasn’t a particularly new feeling, I feel that way too when we’re apart but-”

 

 

“but you have to do this. I understand Clarke, it doesn’t mean I’m happy about it.”

 

 

Clarke gives her a small understanding smile. She pulls Lexa by the hand and moves to situate them in front of the table. She grabs the largest candle and puts it before them. Clarke keeps hold of Lexa hand before slipping it on top of her own. They lock eyes as Clarke speaks, “ _Feel me_ Lexa, feel the flames, the passion and fire that burns for you, _because of you_ ,” she lets the flame ignite in her palms and she _knows_ Lexa can feel the emotions that go along with the burn. She feels it all and Clarke smiles when Lexa passes it back and forth between the two.

 

 

“If I hadn’t of met you I never would have known a love like this or what it felt like to be loved like this. I never would have had dreams that surpass just making it to the next day, I never would have felt intense passion or need. I never would have felt _safe._ You gave me everything Lexa and all I want is to return the favour. I want to help give you peace to our world. I want to help you leave a legacy of peace.”

 

 

“Clarke…” Lexa breathes out watching her light the largest candle before lowering their hands.

 

 

“I plan to be home before this burns out,” Clarke says pocketing the map on the table before turning to face her and cupping her cheek. She rubs her thumb softly across her cheekbone before planting a soft kiss there. She whispers tenderly, devoutly, “A light in the darkness Lexa, you are that light to me.”

 

 

They touch foreheads and take an emotional breath together.

 

 

“Be safe. Be quick but not hasty. Be careful but instinctual.” Lexa coaches softly, warm breath tickling Clarke’s lips. She kisses her, “Most importantly, return my own light to me. Remember Clarke, you carry my heart so carry it carefully.”

 

 

 

She'll protect it with her life.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I'm in a glass case of emotions.
> 
>  
> 
> RIP Root.  
> (I'll be creating a character just for you sweetie)


	49. Operation Wanheda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The character that Clarke meets was always supposed to be met by her because the name is so BOSS but I have added to her story and character in recent events. You'll see. 
> 
> This is a taste of what Clarke will be dealing with and the next chapter will not be the way you expect. All I will say is things don't go as smoothly in the Desert.
> 
> (also, let's be real this is not edited at all, I'm too hasty to move on to the next chapter)

 

Leaving Lexa behind was difficult to say the least. Clarke refused to leave until some of the candles were lit and the throne room was as regal looking as it should be. She made Lexa promise she would go to bed and leave the scouting reports for the morning. Clarke knew Kai would arrive shortly after her departure so she knew she was in good hands. Lexa can thank her later for that one.

 

She feels horrible about leaving, even if it was a touching exit; the hard realization that she had been so caught up in ‘duty’ and essentially _herself_  to forget her own wedding day was soon arriving is jarring in a  _‘what in the fuck is wrong with you’_ kind of way. 

 

No matter how much she tries to justify it she can’t help but feel like she is the absolute worst; that she betrayed her and Lexa’s love and commitment by being so absentminded. In Clarke’s head the ceremony is a formality, they’ve made their pledges long ago but still the ceremony is _special, it’s unique;_ it means something not just to them but their people as well.

 

It means a whole hell of a lot to Lexa, though Clarke is certain by the way Lexa has begun to throw ‘ _houmon’_ that she too considers them bound already, she knows that Lexa is the first ever _Heda_ to have a union. It’s a big fucking deal. It’s a big deal to Lexa, to Clarke, and the novitiates. Their union equals hope for their world and their people. A change in the tides, a shift in the wind and Clarke fucking forgot it was coming closer with each passing day.

 

And her punishment for forgetting such importance is the image of Lexa’s puffy eyeballs where red encroached green in the broody darkness of that room and it will  _never_ leave her.

 

 Of that, she is certain.

 

She really  _can_  be an asshole sometimes. She thought she was getting so good at balancing everything when the truth is she just got so caught up in what she was doing that she didn’t really think beyond _Wanheda_. She couldn’t.

 

And now she doesn’t have the time to dwell on it. She needs to be focused with Clarke _and_ Wanheda on the same task. She made a promise to Lexa that she’d be careful with her heart and that is a promise she refuses to break. She now knows she will take the vision quest with Beland when she returns. Maybe then she will she be able to unite herself.

 

After all, how can she hope to unite the clans when she can’t even unite the parts of herself?

 

Clarke lands in flames in the darkness of the night. She quickly folds the map and slips it inside her leathers and cloak for safekeeping. As her eyes begin to adjust to the darkness, she crouches to get her bearings and take in her surroundings in a less noticeable position. Her head moves left and right beneath her raised black hood; she tilts her shoulder slightly to better see past her bow and arrows. Her hand rests on the hilt of her sword on her right hip and the other presses fingertips into the spongy earth with her weight over her toes.

 

According to her map, the Delphi Clan’s main village called the _City of Delphi_  is not unlike  _TonDC_. It is large and active. It exists centered around the rundowns of an old political building and monument from the old world. Where she had the flames take her she should be thirty minutes walk from there. She doesn’t move right away, she waits long enough for her eyes to fully adjust to the darkness and her senses to catch up with the surroundings. She breathes slow and deep; she gets a feel for the air, the taste of the wind, the smells of the ground and sounds around her. 

 

When she feels in tune with the strange territory she moves. She begins to venture in a northwest direction towards the city. 

 

She gets no rest that night.

 

Clarke stays awake in this fresh wilderness; too tense to go to sleep, to keen to get started. She locates the perfect tree to climb, one strong and full enough to keep her safe. 

 

She spends the night making sure her vantage point is well hidden but allows her great range of sight by looking at it from multiple angles before she even climbs it. She makes sure when she does climb that she situates herself high enough to be near invisible but low enough to hear anyone close to her. 

 

She pulls her bow off her shoulder and hangs it from a branch with her quiver. She cuts into the bark to make a notch for her water skin to hang within reach. Her satchel strap is slung over another branch to her right. She gets her ass in a nice groove of the thick branch she rests on while leaning her back against the trunk. 

 

She becomes one with the surroundings like Luna taught her. She remains quiet and focused, a shadow in the night like Ziva taught her. She stays calculated, collected like _Heda_.

 

What are nerves? Wanheda doesn’t feel them; all she feels is a strange sense of excitement and power. Being alone does not irk her like Clarke expected. She really has changed.

 

 

* * *

 

 

By dawn it is a slightly different story. Her time in wait, her time watching brings doubt. Uncertainty. Second-guessing, something she was working hard at avoiding. She sits and continues to try to block out her doubt as she watches the city come to life.

 

An hour after dawn the city is in full motion. Clarke chews on an apple while she watches and studies their movements. 

 

The city has a large swamp, possibly a small lake, in the centre. The half drowned monument of men appearing to be half floating, half drowning in the centre of it. There are a few more ruins and multiple dwellings situated throughout. From her spot in the tree she can see why the Delphi circular clan symbol is shaped the way it is – it mimics the outlay of the _Delphi_ city’s dwellings. It's also much larger than she expected. 

 

In a small journal Lexa has given her, one that resembles her own, she begins to draw the outlay and take notes. She focuses on weakness, food stores, healer dwellings, the armoury, soldier’s stations, and which ruin she believes holds the leader. She makes note of the guard’s rotations, she pinpoints weaknesses in their defenses and their range of view. She puts every ounce of her stealth and assassin training into planning how she will break them, how she will lay waste-

 

_No. Down, girl._

 

Clarke mentally shakes her head. She’s not here to kill everyone.  _Not unless they deserve_ it, Wanheda amends. Clarke ignores her. She’s going to try to control herself no matter what she finds out, no matter what she hears from their lips. She won’t kill innocents.  _Not again._  

 

She doesn’t know if she would come back from that…

 

_You must come back from that if that is where you go._

Clarke stops chewing her apple and pauses the pencil strokes at the voice. She looks up from the page...

 

_There is no light without darkness Clarke._

 

She furrows her brow, that voice is  _not_  her own and it was not in trig like Wanheda’s normally is in her head. So that leaves...

  

_Claire?_

_Sha._

If Clarke’s eyes were wide before they may as well fall out of her skull right now. She swallows the bit of apple in her mouth, she fucking  _answered_.

 

She's never had a _conversation_ with _Wanheda_ or Claire before. She's heard them but never conversed... Maybe that's because she is _Wanheda_ but Claire is her own person, a typically dormant consciousness allowing Clarke to live her life, just as Beland said... 

 

She wonders if she’ll talk to her again. 

 

_Are you here to tell me to pack up and go home?_

 

_No._

  

There’s a long silence that follows. Clarke shuts her eyes, she’s afraid to breathe, she’s afraid to speak again.

 

Then,

_You are making the right decision Clarke._

_Am I?_

_You must be open to both success and failure if you hope to save this world and the next. And what may seem like failure to Clarke is not failure to the bigger picture. Trust in yourself, your heart will lead you back from whatever dark places you must go._

_What if I am afraid?_

_Don’t be. You are in control though you may not feel like it at times. You are Heda Kom Faete as much as I am, more so with Lexa at your side for I never found Alex until my spirit was you. Love is strength Clarke, and it will see you through the darkness. Have her, have the light._

_Why does that all sound so foreboding?_

_Because it is. You have not seen your roughest days yet, I cannot be sure of which path you will take, but in any case you must see yourself through it. You must be strong. Keep your heart open no matter what comes. Without your heart there is no Clarke, no Wanheda, no life, there is only death. You will learn soon._

Well that… is terrifying; it sends a shiver straight through Clarke. _Will you stay with me?_

_I am always with you Clarke. My energy is your energy; my gift is your gift; that is all you require of me. You are strong on your own. Just remember, you will figure it out, you always do._

 

With that, she feels Claire fade out and become dormant once more allowing Clarke to  _do this on her own_ like she needs to. Claire has told her what she needs to know, she has given her as much guidance as she can, and she has confirmed Clarke is making the right decisions. Though her path is not set in stone; though it may lead to darkness to achieve the light; though to achieve peace she knows it will require blood; she knows if they are going to get anywhere Clarke must take the first step.

 

When Clarke opens her eyes from her mental discourse she is once again astute on her task and she’s not surprised. Claire’s voice of confidence,  _pushing aside the foreboding ominous warning_ , helped her soothe Wanheda’s pent up energy and some of Clarke’s concern. She continues her work in her notebook while watching the village closely.

  

At noon, as Clarke packs away her lunch, odd movement catches her eye. It’s something that doesn’t belong; something that doesn’t quite make sense. Clarke furrows her brow and lowers her notebook back into her satchel. She deftly adjusts her seat where she has made her makeshift camp high in the thick tree cover. More  _TriKru_  than  _Skaikru_  than ever before, she finds the location pleasant, not uncomfortable, as you would expect for someone born in the sky. It's peaceful in a special way. She feels oddly calm.

  

She adjusts her seat a little more as the movement continues and she can tell its not an animal, she leans forward to get a better view. Not a hundred yards from her position there’s a woman stumbling and working to hide herself in the bushes. Clarke thinks she holds herself oddly; p _erhaps she’s missing an arm_ , until she realizes that that is not the case -- she has her hands bound behind her back. 

 

The crease between her eyebrows grows deeper once more as she watches the woman's odd behaviour.

 

She looks like a prisoner and yet she is not running away nor is she returning to the village...

 

Well that's enough to get Clarke's curiosity peaked in a way that has her considering climbing down from her perch. Wanheda keeps her routed where she sits though. Patience really is a virtue and Clarke is working on it tooth and nail. It’s been a process.

 

The woman stays put until nightfall. She stays and Clarke remains in her tree; her eyes only leaving the woman and the village when she relieves herself, and though it's necessary she also finds it weirdly fun doing so from a tree. (Of all the things she thought she'd do on Earth this was not one of them.)

 

She keeps watching the woman and the village with increasing interest. When it's well past dark the woman moves a little more into the open as another figure creeps out of the darkness. 

 

Clarke furrows her brow watching intently at this new development. The hooded figure embraces the woman before pulling back and pulling a few items from the pack they carry. The figure helps sling it over the woman's shoulder and places something in her hands behind her back. Clarke wonders why she doesn't simply untie her…

 

The hooded figure doesn't stay long; after a short conversation and another embrace the figure leaves into the darkness back towards the village sticking to the shadows.

 

_Odd._

 

Clarke had planned to act tonight, to make a visit at least. She knew her strategy and was prepared but something about the bound woman struck her _too odd_ , too much of a coincidence to ignore.

 

So she doesn’t. The fuck with patience; she’s been patient long enough.

 

Clarke's tongue peaks out between her teeth as she climbs down from the tree. 

 

At the bottom, she takes one last peak at the location of the woman; she has moved into deeper enough cover that Clarke could arrive unseen. She watches from where she is for a good five minutes, making sure the woman will not be moving anytime soon before deciding to creep closer. She doesn't take the flames; she’s unwilling to give any sign of her presence and energy until she needs to. She puts her training to use.

 

She quietly pads closer through the undergrowth of lush greens beneath sharp moonlight. Her feet are light, she makes no sounds. Her breathing is slow and steady, her eyes alert as she watches the woman struggle with a pelt of some sort. She is huddled on the ground making awkward movements as she tries to get under it for warmth. Clarke wonders how many days she has been out here.

 

When Clarke is close enough, she makes sure to keep to the dark shadows, black as the night in her hooded black cloak and outfit. It is here that she checks once more on her surroundings before putting a very helpful piece of her training to use. 

 

Clarke throws her voice. She hasn't perfected Ziva's technique but she's good enough to put it to use. She's able to throw it far enough to avoid giving away her position when she speaks. 

 

“ _That doesn’t look very comfortable_ …”

 

The woman does not answer right away but she jumps into a crouch, the pelt falling off, and she's instantly alert. Clarke doesn’t move, she doesn’t speak, she’s simply a ghost, a presence in the darkness. She barely breathes.

 

Ghost's don't require breaths.

 

Finally, when she hears nothing more, the woman speaks, _“Who’s there?”_

 

“... _I have many names…”_ Her tone is ice cutting through the night. Through the darkness Clarke can see the scowl and probing eyes at her answer. Clarke smirks.

 

“ _Care to share?”_

Clarke raises her brow at the lack of fear the woman shows even in her vulnerable state. _Wanheda_ is impressed. She throws her voice in a different direction causing the woman to whirl her head around in search. “ _Some call me Queenslayer.”_ She throws her voice again, “ _some call me legend. A ghost.”_

 

The woman stills...

 

Clarke throws her voice in another direction, “ _Some call me the Mountain Slayer… other’s... the Harbinger of Death.”_

 

“ _Wanheda_ ,” the woman breathes in her low tone, it sounds like reverence – not fear.

 

“ _Sha_.” Clarke again, is impressed. Her interest is peaked higher as she observes the utter lack of fear before her. A lesser woman would have tried to flee at the disembodied voice and yet this one's crouched like a tiger ready to pounce in the presence of death.

 

_“Have you come to kill me?”_

Clarke moves quietly to the right, throwing her voice to the far left, _“Perhaps, perhaps not. Who are you?"_

 

 _"No one."_ Comes the reply, this time her voice breaks slightly, if Clarke had not been listening as hard as she is she would have missed it.

 

Clarke pauses her movements when she feels herself recall when she once gave that very same answer, that very same way. This woman is in pain but she is strong, fearless. Clarke leaps onto a sturdy branch, pulling herself up and making sure not to rustle the leaves at all, she rests on her toes tilting her head curiously. She throws her voice at a completely new angle and the woman turns her head again in the direction.

 

_"Who were you?"_

 

_"...Special."_

 

Again, her answer causes Clarke to pause for a few reasons.

 

The first, she wasn't expecting that; the second, how much pain she can hear in her voice, it's haunting, lonely; the third, the total  _finality_ in which she said it. Clarke is silent for a few moments, the word and way she said it sinks deep within her. She thinks about Claire’s words, she thinks about herself, she thinks about Wanheda and her lionheart. She thinks about Lexa's lit green eyes... She has a funny feeling in her stomach about this woman, instincts are telling her she’s moving in the right direction.

 

And It is instinct that drives her next question.

 

_"Tell me, is love a strength or a weakness to you?"_

 

_"…Both."_

 

 _"Good answer."_ Clarke does not throw her voice and the woman whirls around as Clarke leaps from shadow and tree to come into view.

 

The woman does not move again, she shows no sign of surprise, she is stoic in her awkward crouch. Like a caged animal she stares, she simply takes Clarke in. It's a brief scan but Clarke is almost certain she has noted her many blades.

 

“ _No tail,”_ the woman comments bravely, she bows her head and pulling a small twitch at the corner of Clarke’s lips.

 

“No, no tail. Though a lot of other qualities from the legends are true.” Clarke says switching to English as moves a few paces closer. The woman doesn’t move, she keeps her crouch position. "Your name?" Clarke tries again now as she tries to seem less aggressive.

 

"Shaw. Now, have you come to kill me because I must warn you, I will not go easily…"

 

Clarke smirks and tilts her head, she has no weapons in her hands, but they are within reach at a moments notice. Even with bound hands she knows the woman will defend herself if needed but Clarke is also not afraid. She takes a beat before answering, "That depends; explain to me why you are bound, clearly a prisoner or criminal of some sort but not fleeing."

 

The woman considers Clarke for a moment; her head tilts like Clarke’s did. “You are as much to blame for that as I am.”

 

Clarke frowns for half a second before Wanheda smooth’s her features, mask slipping back into place. _“Explain.”_

 

“I would be more interested in talking if my hands were not bound.”

 

Clarke raises her chin, “You are fearless.”

 

“Most people don't have a chance to find out,” the woman stands from her crouch, but Clarke is keen to notice her stance is one prepared to act if necessary. Her veiled threat was not missed.

 

Wanheda almost clapped for that response.

 

“No. Fearless.” Clarke says as she steps forward and begins to close the distance. The closer she gets the more she can see the woman in the moonlight. She is cut and bruised, thin and about the same height as Octavia. “But, I am fearless too. Turn around.”

 

The woman hesitates but does so keeping her head turned so she can watch Clarke.

 

“These are not bindings, these are shackles.”

 

“I hadn’t noticed,” the woman comments dryly.

 

Clarke fights her smirk. “I can release you but it will hurt. While I do so you will explain to me your situation. One time offer, I have very little patience left.” A veiled threat of her own. (not so veiled.)

 

The woman nods once.

 

“Not here, come with me.”

 

Clarke leads the woman towards her tree and invites her to sit at the base of the trunk. When she sees her shiver Clarke tells her she won’t be cold for long and to prepare herself. Clarke offers her a small branch for between her teeth to help stifle her screams, which Shaw refuses to Wanheda's delight. She likes this woman already. She lights the flame in her palm and begins to heat the metal shackles.

 

The woman does not grunt nor show surprise at the flame or the heat that will soon burn her through the metal. She grimaces but otherwise makes no obvious note of pain. She speaks, keeping their bargain.

 

“I used to be the second to our Cheiftan. I was taken prisoner two months ago by my own people.”

 

Clarke looks up from her work, “Two months ago?”

 

“ _Sha_. My chief and I swore fealty and bowed before _Heda_ long ago but she has disappeared over two months ago, before the snow fell. It is possible her fight has ended, I do not know for certain. But instead of me becoming Chief or Chief interim there was a coup for the second below me to become chieftain of Delphi. At first, I kept my tongue but eventually I could no longer; as an assassin my qualifications were called upon as well as my duty to help lead our people but I spoke out about the plan to infiltrate Polis at the Winter Festival. I told them they were _Natronan,_ obviously they did not take it very well.”

 

Clarke continues her work at melting the pins to to the metal clasps around her wrists as she listens. “No one joined you?” She pokes a little harder, she needs to know who's guilty and this goldmine just landed in her lap, like hell she's not going to dig.

 

“I was the only one to do so publicly but I know there are more of us; I spoke out about it but no one else was brave enough to join me and thus I was taken prisoner by my own clan. _Joken Br_ _anwada’s.” Fucking fools,_ she spits. “Just as I told them you would, you have come to exact your justice.”

 

“Then why would I kill you, if you are loyal to _Heda_ and the coalition?”

 

“ _Jus Drein Jus Daun,"_ the woman says simply glancing at Clarke. "They are my blood and I am there blood, it is justice.”

 

“Not my justice.” Clarke says catching the woman's eye.

 

“You ended the entire mountain race,” the woman points out.

 

“I did what I had to do to save my people. I had no choice,” Clarke says refusing to be pulled back into that nightmare. “If given no choice I will command the deaths of those opposing _us_ , but in my brand of justice I _prefer_ to give death only to those deserving of it. I am loyal to Heda's people, for they are my own. I am here to find out who in Delphi are our people... _as well as_ deliver justice."

 

The woman watches her curiously but does not speak.

 

"How did you escape and why do you stick around?”

 

“I had help two days ago from my chief’s brother. Tonight is the first night he has been able to reach me beyond the city.”

 

“And you stick around for him?”

 

“No. I stick around for _her_. I stick around for my people.”

 

Clarke listens but also catches on to what she is not saying; the inflection, the power in her voice. The chief is clearly more to her than just a chief. She is some sort of family. She's someone special. Beyond that, Shaw's loyalty to people who have disappointed her, betrayed her, shunned her even is astounding and somewhat familiar.

 

The woman glances at Clarke’s work on her shackles, “That _is_ getting kind of warm.”

 

Clarke smirks at her strength as she’s brought out of her train of thought, the metal is blazing red-hot and slowly softening. She can smell the woman’s skin beginning to burn and she says it's warm. Clarke can hear _Wanheda_ chuckle in her head. “I will not kill you,” Clarke says. “But you will help me.”

 

“How?”

 

_“By taking your rightful place as chieftain of Delphi.”_

 

* * *

 

 

They spend the rest of the night hashing out the details. Clarke and Shaw both perch in her tree as Shaw points out other vulnerabilities and what will need to be done for this to be successful. She’s intrigued by Clarke’s original plan and they simply adjust it.

 

It is a few hours to dawn by the time they are ready.

 

Clarke places the metal of the shackles on the woman’s wrists again for show, she slips her extra assassin blades into her clothing and sends her off right through the front gate to the city. “Don't die, Shaw. I need you alive.”

 

 _“Touching,”_ Shaw quips dryly rolling her eyes and heading off.

 

Clarke watches for thirty seconds before she flames into the city, keeping to the shadows beside the food stores. She waits.

 

She doesn’t wait long though.

 

Less than ten minutes later Shaw is being ushered into the centre of the city.

 

“ _Natrona_! _We have found the Natrona!”_ A guard shouts causing the city to stir. Instantly people are moving, exiting the dwellings with swords and in nightclothes. Few have leathers or armour on. The guards and cities sentries come out of their own shadows.

 

_So far, so good._

 

As Shaw is shoved to the ground on her knees the chieftain exits his dwelling and stalks towards her in full battle gear. He is large and foreboding but Shaw makes no show of fear or intimidation.

 

No, Shaw fucking smiles.

 

“Semka,” she addresses the man coldly before spitting on the ground like the name tastes bad.

 

A guard backhands her face and Shaw spits out the blood only to reveal a bloody smile once more. _“That is Chieftain Semka to you!”_

_“Not my Chieftain.”_ She says icily.

 

“ _Shaw, why have you returned,”_ Semka hisses.

 

“ _I come bringing the presence death. I am a message.”_

The crowd that’s forming begins to murmur at her words. There are nervous looks around the camp before Semka raises his voice over them, “ _You bring nothing but your own death.”_

 

_It's go time._

Clarke can’t wait any longer, she pulls the pin of one of her smoke grenade from Raven and tosses it in a high arch. It begins to billow out of the canister on landing and the murmurs and nervous energy grows before turning to shouts and fear.

 

 

Clarke focuses the flames and lets them take her to the half-drowned monument. She lands, seated on the shoulders of one of the men. The crowd shouts and stares in disbelief as she draws their attention. Clarke calls the flames and sends the closest building alight, then the one next to it as the smoke begins to fill the air. A ominous shroud of darkness mixing with the light of the flames. Before chaos can ensue Clarke calls the flames back off the buildings and to her as she vanishes in flames, landing once again in shadow.

 

" _Message received Shaw,"_ She throws her voice into the smoke. _"Death has come for the guilty!"_

 

Clarke smirks at Semka’s hesitation. It gives Shaw her chance to drop her useless shackles, spring to her feet with her assassin blade and dart forward to grab Semka. If you blinked you would have missed her movements, she puts the knife to his throat and holds his back against her chest. His people freeze and nervously look around as the smoke continues to billow.

 

“ _I warned you justice would be done, I warned you against following Semka; I told you those that follow him will meet their end!”_ She pulls Semka around so she can see more of the people gathered, “ _I call upon the Commander of Death to take what she requires for justice! I give her Semka the false Chieftain first!”_

On that cue Clarke uses the flames and landsin the street leading to the town centre where Shaw holds her captive. The guards back up from the heat and surprise, instead of letting the flames disappear she keeps them swarming around her to the shouts and cries from the people. Through the smoke and fire she walks, she stalks the night, closing the gap before she takes the flames back inside and stands before Semka and Shaw.

 

No one dares move, the shouts stop and the city holds a collective breath.

 

Clarke keeps her hooded head low, just high enough to be able to see properly. She pulls her sword in a flash and smirks as her right palm flicks and she sends the flames to light the torches close to her. Desired effect achieved, the city is her smokey stage, the perfect setting for a ghost story.

 

“ _Kru Kom Delphi,_ _Ai laik Wanheda!” People of Delphi, I am Wanheda._

 

For added affect Clarke uses the flames to light her sword and keep it lit, she takes care to focus it only on the blade so not to ruin the handle. It feels as if the sword is one with her arm, a part of her and a gift from Lexa. Her sword is justice, their justice. The sword that will spill blood for peace. She holds it out and threatening towards the chest of Semka.

_“Let it be known by those who live to dawn, those who stand against Heda and the Coalition will meet nothing but death!"_ She shouts to the crowd knowing her story, her message is being heard and will be spread when the dust settles and smoke stops. 

 

_"Semka has failed you. He has brought death into the city of Delphi! In his desire for power, his greed to lead you, he has forsaken those of you who stand with him. He has brought the end of your fights and I am that end; I am justice; and I will start with him!”_

She looks around the crowd as her flaming blade continues to point at Semka. She quickly takes in those soldiers still firmly holding their blades and adjusting their grips, but she notices some lower their blades as well. Shaw was right; she isn’t the only one loyal to _Heda,_ she was simply the only one brave enough to speak out...

She's no here to kill everyone, she firmly snaps at _Wanheda's_ leash. _“Those of you who will follow your true leader’s wishes and choice of Chieftain in Shaw will be spared. I suggest you choose your loyalties wisely because I start collecting my due’s NOW!”_

 

On her word, Shaw pushes Semka forward and Clarke whirls to prepare herself. She twirls her flaming sword as Shaw leaps around to slice the neck of one of the guards loyal to the man and continues on to the next warrior still prepared to fight.

 

If he seems surprised to be given a chance to fight, Semka doesn’t show it. He attacks in fury and fear and Clarke vanishes in flames only to appear behind him.

 

" _You missed,"_ Clarke smirks and when Semka whirls his large sword he misses her, he’s big but slow and she uses it to her advantage. She side steps and cuts down with her flaming blade slicing his arm open. He howls in pain and blindly swings again. She blocks, throws a punch breaking his nose, and steps back as he swings a second and third time. Clarke parries his swings and braces against his brute strength.

 

She goes on the offensive when she dodges his next strike. She brings out her curved blade from her lower back and slices his other arm when she takes a wide arch before thrusting forward and catching his chest with her blade. The flaming sword goes right through cavity and the flames continue on the other side of his body.

 

Clarke pulls herself closer and sneers as she slowly digs her curved blade into his neck and begins to tear it open. Wanheda loves to see the blood flow,  _“Yu gonplei ste odon.”_

 

When she finishes the slice she shoves his body to the ground and pulls her sword. She takes the flames back inside to prevent any real damage coming to the blade due to the heat and she moves on to the next foe.

 

It is here that she sees their actions and _Wanheda's_ words ring true, those loyal to Shaw and the previous Chief have raised their blades against their own clan members. Clarke darts forwards as she sees Shaw being flanked and plunges her sword through the back of the man dropping him to the ground in a heap when Shaw whirls around. They share a brief nod before Shaw flings one of the assassin’s blades right past Clarke’s head and into a woman’s throat behind her. Shaw moves forward to retrieve the blade and continue on her deadly assault. She sees her smile as she does so.

 

“ _They’re escaping!”_ Clarke hears above the crowd and she looks to see black figures taking off from the night. " _Wanheda?"_ they surprise her for half a second when they call looking for guidance.

 

“ _No one escapes! They die in their cowardice!”_    _Wanheda_  screams into the early morning hours. Instead of giving chase with the others she takes the flames far enough to land well enough ahead of the runners. She sheathes her sword with a glare and calls the flames into her palms. Her lionheart growls ferociously at their cowardice as she lets the balls of fire grow. She walks cool and collected forward as they continue running towards her to escape the city.

 

She throws her voice so it bounces off the buildings around them, ghostly echoing every word, “ _You have chosen darkness. You have chosen disloyalty. You have chosen death. You chose it long ago. Wanheda will collect!”_

 

She lets the flames leave her hands creating a wall of fire on either side of her, she keeps her palms slightly raised and open as she pushes the flames to spread; it licks at the buildings and burns blacks the ground beneath her feet. One cart is destroyed, and then another in her path. The ten cowards falter and slow but do not stop and neither does Clarke. She doesn’t pull her sword, she simply pulls the wall of flames forward with each step.

 

“ _Keep moving!”_ she hears one of them shout. " _She won’t be able to kill us all!_

 

 _Wanheda_  smirks and her eyes narrow, _you don't know me very well._

 

She doesn't hesitate, she feels no unease when she pushes the flames forward. She ignites each warrior one by one and revelling in the painful screams.

 

She gives them what they deserve. She commands they have slow deaths, and slow deaths they shall have.

 

As she continues her deathly stalk forward, passing the writhing, burning bodies and returning to the centre of the village she speaks to the man that shouted.

 

  _“Branwada, ten deaths at once is hardly my record."_  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUCK YOU, TV IN GENERAL
> 
> Damn, let us live.


	50. She's Nothing but a Ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little bit of mystery here

 

By the time Clarke leaves the City of Delphi, mid-afternoon that day, she has commanded and collected forty-three deaths from the night before. She has a confirmed new clan as part of the coalition with a strong leader and people who have fought to regain their social order. Her bravery and brand of justice is respected, honored, revered.

 

Their fear made them take notice but Clarke’s heart and morals won them over. They have given her trust and she returned it by not wiping out their city and only taking the guilty. They are loyal and grateful for her contribution. She has subjects who graciously bowed to her before she leaves while swearing their allegiance to  _Heda_  and  _Wanheda_ knowing she would not hesitate to return if needed. In fact, she has been invited back for their city’s name day celebration; she wants to bring Lexa and her friends.

 

The stories have already begun to spread about the two _Heda’s_ _'second coming of peace'_.

 

One that arrives at the edge of a blade and burning flames, driven by a blazing heart. 

 

Wanheda’s Ghost lives; news slowly begins to trickle out of Delphi and into the surrounding villages. The legend of Wanheda begins to grow at Clarke's command. From the surrounding villages the stories leak further and bloom beyond their borders. Each time the legend is told, _no matter the embellishments added_ , they all start with fear and end in hope. They talk of death and bloody smiles. They talk of flames and justice. They talk of peace.

 

They whisper _Wanheda._

 

She leaves Shaw with strict instruction that  _she_  is to pick a new delegate to represent the clan or to arrive in Polis herself and bow before  _Heda_ and sign the treaty _._  She gave her two days. (Shaw arrives in one and half.)

 

Clarke has personally invited Shaw and her chosen attendees to the Union Ceremony. She promised to share info and assist any way she can in finding out what happened to their missing people and previous Chieftain. It's in their best interests to work together; they're her people as well, and some of Skaikru and Trikru have been missing as long as Shaw’s people - if not longer.

 

It irks them both that the disappearances have made it this far. They now reach from as far North as Azgeda, to Arkadia and Trikru, and West as far as Delphi for sure. It is less than likely that the territories in between and surrounding have not been affected. There also is a slim chance they are unrelated, at least as far as Clarke can tell.

 

Clarke leaves behind a radio with instruction on how to use it. After introducing Shaw to Raven over the system Clarke asks Shaw what she knows of the Desert Clan.

 

She fills her in on what she knows of their involvement in the attack on Polis. She tells Clarke it was their idea; they helped put Semka in the position to pull the coup knowing in return he would provide help.

 

It means Clarke has _at least_ three villages she will need to check, possibly more. Their rebellion spreads farther than Delphi's did but she trusts what little information she has from Shaw that it is sound. The woman helps as much as she can. She gives her pieces of her own assassin advice as well as offering to join her. Clarke refuses politely and leaves her with a note, "Stay alive. Stay in charge."

 

"Careful, I might start to think you care about me," Shaw quips playfully.

 

“I do.” She’s not lying. Clarke knows Shaw is an excellent ally to have but she has seen her heart and she knows they have kindred spirits as well; they are fast friends. They made a lasting impression on each other.

 

 "May we meet again." They share the grounder handshake before Clarke replenishes her supplies and leaves in flames.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The desert is not far; the swampy lands of Delphi territory turn instantly dry only a day’s journey from Shaw’s city. It looks like the desert sand was just dropped in the location. Clarke makes sure to land well beyond the borders, well behind any scouts eyes.

 

However, one thing she did not expect and  _really should_   _have_  when she arrives in the Desert is that it's hot. Damn hot. Sticky hot. She needs to remove her cloak instantly and put it in her satchel. She learns quickly how hard life can be in the desert. 

 

The desert is hot, dry, windy and  _very_  hostile by day. 

 

And the desert is freezing cold, windy and _very_ hostile by night. 

 

It also lacks cover. It is miles and miles of wide-open rolling sand and small mountain dunes. It is a challenge. All her plans go out the window and she has to improvise. She deals with sandstorms off and on night and day. They can last for hours.

 

It takes her an entire day to find the first village.

 

She doesn't sleep much at all.

 

By the third day in desert territory and fifth from Polis, she has learnt a lot. She learns the desert is unforgiving. She learns it is all about survival. She comes to find that her head is ringing with Claire’s words:

 

_You must be strong._

_Keep your heart open no matter what comes._

_Without your heart there is no Clarke, no Wanheda, no life, there is only death._

_You will learn soon…_

 

Clarke does not get home within the week like she promised.

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa sits on her throne and stares at the candle Clarke left.

 

It died out two days ago and Clarke still has not returned.

 

Lexa has spent the last two days trying not to dwell, trying not to worry and run her mind ragged. She has tried to stay busy. She occupies herself with her students, her friends, she reads and trains. She works to keep her _Heda_ mask up and stoic as ever though she is aching inside. She conducts her meetings and settles small disputes between stall owners and neighbouring villages.

 

No matter what she does, her mind continues to drift back to Clarke.

 

It’s been over four days since Lexa last _felt_ anything from Clarke. Four days with less than even a whisper of feeling her.

 

She’s been locking herself in their room, sitting down at the foot of their bed and meditating to try to enhance it but it proves useless. It’s like there is a wall preventing her from reaching Clarke; though she knows in her heart that Clarke still breathes, it worries her to no end that she cannot _feel_ her.

 

“Eight days,” she murmurs at the candle on the table. Clarke has been gone from Polis eight days. That’s eight days of worry, eight days of little sleep, eight days of stress and longing.

 

Eight days of constant pain burning under her mask.

 

Lexa knows Clarke was _incredibly_ successful in the city of Delphi. Shaw came into Polis on Clarke’s command and bowed, swore her clan’s allegiance and signed the new coalition treaty. She took the brand unflinchingly, smiling and staring into Lexa’s eyes the entire time.

 

Shaw is loyal and Clarke had made a good decision. Lexa does not know her well, but her reputation precedes her. Years ago, Shaw and their chieftain were one of the first clans to join them, it pleases Lexa to have Clarke contribute in their return. Shaw fills her in on the true events that occurred that night; she helps Lexa feel better with each word. Lexa beams with pride at Clarke’s strength and commitment.

 

But that was four days ago.

 

Since then, Lexa has been in the dark; and she has heard nothing of the Desert, her own scouts have yet to return. Lexa can’t be sure if Clarke can feel her but she tries anyways, she sends her love to her whenever Clarke is on her mind. (It’s happening a lot.)

 

She remains on her throne for hours staring at the burnt out candle. The throne room darkens quickly as the sun goes down. Darkness engulfs the room and Lexa does nothing to staunch it. There are no candles, no fires lit. She doesn’t want to see any flames but Clarke’s. She sends any visitors away not wishing to be disturbed in the mental and emotional anguish. She knows she can't keep her mask up tonight.

 

Hours later, she remains but she hears sound behind her throne on the balcony. Lexa whirls around just in time to catch a glimpse of Clarke’s flames disappearing, she stands and immediately moves to remove herself from the throne and cross the distance.

 

Clarke’s right hand shooting up in front of her stops Lexa cold in her tracks. “Clarke?”

 

Lexa stares at her, the darkness makes it hard to see her features. She can see some bruising and cuts; she can see sunken eyes and dark circles. Clarke holds her left hand to her side and won’t look at Lexa.

 

“You can’t feel me right?” Clarke’s voice cracks and Lexa shakes her head confused. “Good, good.” Clarke murmurs absently, her eyes sticking to shadow. "Stop trying to, you can't be in here right now."

 

“Clarke-” Lexa steps forward only for Clarke to keep her right hand up and step back. She’s blocking her out? She didn’t know Clarke could even do that… Lexa is not only hurt and worried, she’s so confused she wants to scream.

 

She doesn't. She swallows it.

 

“I can’t be here right now,” Clarke labours out seemingly winded. Lexa can see she is in pain but she works to push against her instincts and respect Clarke’s wishes.

 

“Clarke? What’s happened? Where will you-”

 

Again, Lexa is cut off and Clarke staggers and sways before she is engulfed in flames but Lexa hears her speak before she vanishes.

 

It’s a ghostly, hauntingly morose echo that fills her ears. It sends shivers through her body and her heart _aches_ for the blonde.

 

_“The Desert is no more.”_

 

 

* * *

 

 

Luna wakes just before the sun. She rolls around for a few minutes in her furs reveling in the warmth and reluctant to open her eyes just yet. She stretches like a starfish and stifles a yawn.

 

When she does open her eyes it’s to the sound of shouts outside her boathouse. She dresses quickly in a tunic and leggings, straps on her sword around her hips and peers out her bedroom window. She can’t see what the shouting is about so she hastily exits her boathouse and walks down the plank to the dock before touching land.

 

“ _Chit ste em_?” _What is it?_ Luna calls to one of her seconds.

_“A body on the beach!”_

 

“ _Where?”_

 

“ _Down the coast, about twenty yards!”_

Luna doesn’t hesitate, she runs. She heads in the direction of the few people already awake and going to investigate. She passes them all pushing those that don’t see her coming out of her way.

 

She halts when she sees the body. The figure is face down on the beach as the waves roll in and wash over it, gently lulling it around. It is unmoving on its own, covered in black clothing and soaking wet.

 

 _“Do not touch them!”_ Luna orders. “ _Give me space!”_ The crowd that has gathered backs off and Luna moves forward again. She approaches slowly in the early morning light before she is crouching over the body.

 

Her blood runs colds when she attempts to roll them. The person is conscious but barely, they keep their head facing the water. Luna pulls at the hood and gasps when she sees blood soaked blonde hair, _“Clarke?”_

 

She’s pale and her body is shivering. She is near frozen to the touch, Luna panics. “ _Prepare the closest bed, call the healers!”_

 

“Clarke? Can you hear me?” She brushes the bloody hair back.

 

Clarke continues to stare blankly at the water as the waves whitecap and crest. She doesn’t blink even as the next wave crashes into her. She doesn’t choke on the water, she barely sputters out a breath. Luna can tell she is injured, she is afraid to move her and cause more damage or pain.

 

But it's Clarke's grey and cloudy eyes that have Luna transfixed. Her eyes are vacant but wide open. Looking, but not seeing.

 

“Clarke?” she tries again. “If you can hear me I need to try to move you. I need to check you over.”

 

Again, Clarke makes no sound, no sign of recognition that she knows where she is or that she’s being spoken to. Luna begins to check her over. She rolls her even more to lie on her back and that’s when she sees the black blood mixing with the dirt and water.

 

“Clarke, you’re bleeding!” Luna shouts, unable to quell the fear in her voice. Clarke still doesn’t respond, her eyes continue to be glued on the horizon over the water. “Clarke!” she shouts again beginning to push away her cloak so she can see the wound.

 

“No,” she finally hears Clarke croak out and there’s an attempt to push her hands away. _“No! Leave it_ ,” she shivers out hoarsely and spitefully.

 

Luna growls and slaps her face, “ _Snap out of it goufa_! You’ll die if we don’t close it! It could be infected already!” Clarke doesn’t move, she doesn’t react; she doesn’t acknowledge the sting on her already bruised and cut face.

 

The lack of reaction scares Luna to her core. She begins shouting more orders to her people. Then there’s movement around her and Clarke and more shouts in return. Clarke doesn’t struggle when Mordu lifts her for Luna and hurries her along to the nearest hut on the beach. The inhabitants willingly offering it to Wanheda and their Chief and immediately leaving to give them space.

 

The healers usher in after them and immediately set to work. Clarke is stripped bare on the bed, fires are lit to warm the hut and Luna stands beside her holding her hand whenever she can. She is ice to touch and Luna is incredibly confused. She calls for the radio to brought to her.

 

On her request there is a growl from Clarke and Luna looks down to see unfocused eyes blinking into the flickering light of the room. She can see the blonde attempt to call the flames but they flicker and disappear as quick as they showed up.

 

She doesn’t have the strength.

 

“Clarke!” Luna shouts grabbing her cheeks and trying to make her focus, “You need to relax. You're not going anywhere, let us work!”

 

“Luna…” she croaks, her voice is as dry as the desert. It must be killing her to talk. Her voice sounds like it's cutting her throat with razor blades.

 

“Relax,” Luna says grabbing a cup and helping Clarke lie flat again while the healers go back to work on her side. “Here, drink.”

 

She tilts Clarke's head so she can drink. Clarke barely sips the water before her head falls back in defeat and exhaustion. Luna can tell she’s struggling to stay conscious.

 

“Clarke what happened?” She tries to keep her awake, focused.

 

“I…" Clarke's body trembles. "...I did a bad thing.”

 

“Clarke,” Luna shakes her head, “What bad thing? What are you talking about? Where were you?”

 

The healers begin to clean the wound and staunch the blood, it appears to be over a day old. Clarke is unflinching like she can’t feel the pain. She is numb.

 

Luna watches helplessly as Clarke’s eyes roll in and out of the back of her head.

 

“Tell Lexa not to come.”

 

And then she is unconscious.

 

“GET ME THE RADIO! NOW!” Luna roars leaving the bedside. The panic inside her mixes with worry for her blonde friend and her people keep their distance until Luna receives what she requested.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“… _What_...” Lexa shouts into the radio ignoring Raven and Octavia’s flinch at her tone.

 

“ _…Clarke says not to come…”_ Luna’s voice crackles through.

 

“…Why...”

 

_“…I don’t know. She fell unconscious directly after…I didn’t even know she wasn’t in Polis...”_

 

“…She’s hurt...” Lexa growls questioningly.

 

How does she not know that already? How can she not feel it, if Clarke is a weak as Luna says she should not be able to block her out, should she? Lexa can see Octavia and Raven give each other nervous glances. She did not tell them Clarke had arrived last night; it hurt too much to repeat. Her fears from last night have worsened tenfold at this development.

 

 _“…Lex, breathe …She will heal...”_ Luna’s voice is softer this time, sympathetic.

 

“…Luna, how can you expect me to calm down when I don’t know what exactly is wrong…”

 

“… _She has a large gash on her side, they are closing it now, no sign of infection but there's a slow poison in her system. We've given her the antidote…and if I’m being honest, I do not think it is the obvious wound we need to worry about…”_

 

“…I’ll be there soon….”

 

“ _No. No you won’t. She is fragile; you didn’t see it. You will respect her wishes, my healers will take care of her…I will take care of her; you know that…my people love her, we will protect her..._ ”

 

“…Luna I can’t just sit on my ass while Clarke is in pain…”

 

 _“…If that is what she asked of you, you must. You didn’t see her Lexa; it was like she couldn’t even feel the damage. She was terrified and shivering. Pale as a sheet. She was cold to the touch, vacant stare and unfeeling like she was numb_. _I have seen battle-sickness before but never to this extent…_ ”

 

Lexa growls at everything she just heard and everything she's feeling. Her mind races, you don’t get cold in the Desert for any reason. Clarke should have been hot to the touch, even injured. Clarke’s body hasn’t actually felt cold to the touch since she took the blood… it’s not possible with the flames inside her.

 

She shoots a glare at Raven, “Radio Shaw now; I want to know what happened in the Desert, tell her to send her fastest riders.”

 

Raven nods and bolts to another radio. The switchboard and main control is not finished yet so they are making due by using three channels.

 

Lexa takes a deep breath, she’s fighting every urge to just vanish to the boat clan and ignore Clarke’s request. She doesn't know how long she could comply with it anyhow.

 

But Lexa tries to give Clarke whatever she asks within her power so she lets the breath out and says, “…I will send Octavia.”

 

 _“…Well, she never said anything against that…_ ”  _Just you._  But Lexa doesn’t need to hear it to know it.

 

“…She’ll be there by nightfall with the twins…”

 

“… _Oh fun! I love company…_ ” Luna bubbles.

 

“Well, I’m glad she’s finding this enjoyable,” Octavia quips dryly rolling her eyes behind Lexa. “Meanwhile, the three of us are losing our shit over here.”

 

“ _Ai laik_   _Heda,_ I do not ‘lose my shit’” Lexa growls staring at the desk. (She's lying, she's totally losing her shit.)

 

Octavia doesn't miss a beat to call her out on it, “Tell that to the radio that needed to be recently fixed.”

 

Lexa ignores her and goes back to the radio in her hand, “…Luna… look after her. _Beja_ , keep me posted.” And when her voice breaks, she doesn’t care.

 

“… _Sha_ _, Lex. She’s in good hands…”_ Luna’s end crackles and then comes back, _“…Octavia, bring me that good vintage of wine we had last time…”_

 

“Goodbye Luna,” Lexa says dropping the radio with a little more force than necessary. She stands and starts pacing immediately with her hands behind her back.

 

Octavia hesitates, unsure of what to do. She looks at Lexa and sees the Heda mask failing to stay in place and the woman beneath it crumbling.

 

It’s enough to make her move forward slowly, hesitant hand reaching out to her friend in pain.

 

“Lexa,” she calls softly and receives no reply in return. If anything, Lexa shakes her head and speeds up.

 

“Lexa, Lexa stop. Lex!” She says finally grabbing her by the wrists and making her look at her. “She’s alive. She’s  _alive_  and that’s what matters. Everything else is just details.”

 

“She’s alive,” Lexa whispers nodding with Octavia slowly. The tightness inside her snaps, she glances away and attempts to remove herself from Octavia’s grip, “She’s alive and she doesn’t want me near her!”

 

Octavia doesn’t let her go, she pulls her back, “She’s alive and she’s hurt. Whatever happened out there probably just has her scared, but you know what happened the last time she was that scared? She disappeared into the wilderness alone for three months. At least, this time she went to a safe place.”

 

“I am supposed to be her safe place!” Lexa shouts frustrated and pulling her arms from Octavia and turning her back to her. Last night's visit from Clarke and today's radio conversation is breaking her down from the inside out with each passing second. 

 

“You _are_ her safe place,” Raven says coming over.

 

“She came here last night and left again,” Lexa keeps her back to them, staring at the table but seeing nothing but blue eyes. 

 

There's silence for a few moments after her revelation. She's certain there were more shared nervous glances shared behind her back.

 

“I’m guessing the Desert didn’t go exactly as she planned. Maybe, she’s afraid to come back here,” Raven says before scrunching up her face.

 

“No shit, and not really helping,” Octavia scowls at her.

 

“Maybe she thinks she failed you?” Raven continues ignoring her. If she's trying to help, she is failing miserably right now.

 

“Clarke could never fail me,” Lexa says sighing and going to pour a large cup of wine. She downs it easily and refills it.

 

“Shaw has sent the riders to the villages she told Clarke to check out, we’ll know something concrete before nightfall.” Raven offers.

 

“What did Clarke say last night?” Octavia pipes up gently. “Talk to us Lex!”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Liar. You’re not telling us a lot.” Raven says arching her eyebrow, her tone causing Lexa to look at her.

 

Lexa sighs, glancing away and downs another cup of liquid courage.

 

“You can’t feel her can you,” Octavia presses.

 

Lexa shakes her head. “I didn’t even know she was injured, not this seriously.”

 

“How long?”

 

“Four days. Today makes five.”

 

“WHAT?” Octavia can’t help but blurt out and step forward, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

 

“I did not want to worry you…or myself anymore than necessary.” Lexa sighs facing her friends. “I’m sorry.”

 

“You don’t have to apologize, you need to talk to us. You’re not alone just because Clarke is away. I thought you knew that.” Raven says frowning. “Time to spill the tea.”

 

Lexa stares at the wall and takes a breath to steady herself before speaking.

 

“All I know is what she said last night; she is the one blocking me out, she can’t be here right now and…” Lexa looks at them both, her jaw juts back and forth before she speaks again, “The desert is no more.”

 

_“Oh Christ.”_

 

“ _Fuck me.”_

 

Octavia and Raven’s mouths drop open. Raven moves closer and puts her hand on Lexa’s shoulder. “Shaw’s sent the riders as soon as I requested it, she did it while on the line with me. We will hear news by tonight at the latest.”

 

Lexa swallows and nods once. “Has she heard any rumblings in the mean time?”

 

Raven runs her hand over her chin, “Some… word had left Delphi the day Clarke left. The stories have started to spread about what occurred in Delphi. As for the desert, she has heard nothing concrete...” Raven swallows and Lexa and Octavia watch her intently.

 

“But?”

 

“ _But_ , they did see smoke carrying on the wind. There are rumours from the nomads of fires and Wanheda and her army of death stalking the night. I mean, it sounds like she was successful though right? Seems like Clarke tells a pretty good ghost story.”

 

“Yes, but something tells me she’s not exactly proud of it.” Octavia says pulling at her braids.

 

“Why are you still here?” Lexa interrupts whirling around and glaring at Octavia. “Go to Clarke and take the twins! Now!” 

 

“ _Heda_ ,” Octavia bows her head snapping alert at the obvious order and heading for the door. 

 

“ _Hod op!”_  Lexa shouts stopping her instantly. She takes a breath and sighs, she’s angry with herself for snapping, “Don't leave like this. Say goodbye properly.”

 

Lexa drinks another cup of wine while Octavia and Raven say a short goodbye ending with a very affectionate kiss that Lexa clears her throat to end.

 

“I’ll look after her Lexa.” Octavia says ignoring Lexa's body posture and pulling her in for a hug. 

 

“I know,” Lexa manages to whisper out before being released.

 

When Octavia has left the room Raven comes to the table to take a drink herself. “Whatever happened, she’ll come home. She’ll come back to us.” She sets her empty cup back down.

 

“But what if she doesn’t? What if the Clarke we knew is gone?”

 

“The Clarke we _know_ is too stubborn for that. I think she will come back on her own. She came here _first_ Lex. She came to you, because she loves you and she needed you to know not to worry -- Sure, she fucking sucks at the last part but it doesn’t negate the fact that she _came to you._ And if she doesn't come back from Luna soon we will send squirt after her - she can't resist that!”

 

Lexa wants to smile and believe her but she can’t. Only Clarke will convince her that all will be well. She clenches her jaw and sucks on her cheeks.

 

Sensing her discomfort and wanting to rectify her lack of help, Raven speaks again.

 

“Speaking of, come on let’s go find Kai, I need some cheering up and you need a breather Commander Hot Head. She should be in the library, we can bring the radio with us alright?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Raven and Lexa reach the library the mid morning sun is lighting up the dust pillows and particles flying in the air. It’s still and calm and soothingly quiet. The thick rows of books lining the walls are filling the room with a musky yet mollifying smell. Lexa has always welcomed this smell. This room has been a safe haven since she first arrived in Polis many years ago.

 

Lexa quickly finds Kai in her nook by the window, the very same nook Lexa used to read in daily. She’s alone like usual when she finds her in here; she’s the most passionate about reading and Lexa and her have bonded over it. She finds her reading Harry Potter, Kai has already moved on to book three.

 

It pulls a small smile to her face when she sees Kai look up excitedly waving it in front of her face. “ _Noum! This_  one’s my favourite!” _Mom!_

 

“You said that about the last one squirt,” Raven says plopping down across from her on a desk. She puts her feet up on the edge of Kai’s bench and relaxes.

 

“And the one before that,” Lexa adds sitting next to Kai and running her hand over her head. The small girl immediately crawls into her lap like she has done it all her life; it tugs at Lexa’s lips and her heart.

 

“Will you read to me?” she asks with her ice blue eyes meeting troubled green.

 

“No, you will read to me and little bird today,” Lexa says softly kissing her head. 

 

“Are you okay _Noum_?” Kai questions looking at her shrewdly.

 

“She’ll be fine once you start reading, she doesn’t remember what Voldy’s up to in this book.” Raven pipes up to help Lexa deflect the issue behind her eyes.

 

“You can’t say his name!” Kai hisses glancing at Raven. She looks back to Lexa for a few seconds, then she opens her book and finds her place again.

 

Lexa barely hears the words exit Kai’s lips. Her mind is only half present, half enjoying this moment, half fretting and with Clarke.

 

She tries to sense her again. Nothing.

 

It frustrates her. It makes her ache. She wonders if Clarke can feel her if she tries to reach with her own feelings. She wonders what is wrong, why there’s a _need_ for a barrier. She closes her eyes as Kai continues to read and focuses not on her worry and pain but on her extraordinary amount love she has in her heart. She pushes it to Clarke with everything she has.

 

  _Ai Niron, beja. Come home._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight bend in the road. Reveal with what the fuck is going on with Clarke next chapter.


	51. Hell and Heathens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah, so little bit of a throw back here for those of you who read part 1. (Those of you who didn't, we can't be friends.)
> 
> This is... dark?
> 
> Ashley, my dude, mochof.

 

Clarke remains unconscious on the bed.

 

Her wound is stitched and the healers have done all they can for now. Wishing to provide Clarke with a little more dignity in her nakedness, Luna ushers the healers out so she can bathe Clarke. She keeps her on the bed and spot washes her as best she can. Her hands are trembling because Clarke is still so cold, still unconscious and grimacing in pain. Whether it’s physical or mental, she can’t be sure.

 

What has Luna’s heart beating irregularly though is that Clarke is _covered_ in blood; both her own and not. She smells of sweat and tears and blood; she smells of death.

 

She doubts Clarke will ever be able to get the smell out of her new clothes. She has them burned. Clarke can get a new cloak.

 

Once Luna has Clarke cleaned she covers her with the furs. She remains at her bedside. Sometimes she paces. Sometimes she cuddles up next to her. Sometimes she holds her hand. Sometimes she strokes her hair.

 

she often whispers, she tries to comfort and soothe her while she's trapped in her mind. 

 

Clarke twitches and trembles in her sleep. She flails and groans, she shouts and screams. It is all Luna can do to keep her from falling out of the bed at times.

 

Clarke will not wake.

 

It is nightfall when Octavia comes bursting into the hut. She doesn’t even glance at Luna as she enters, falling to her knees at Clarke’s bedside instantly. Luna disengages her arms around Clarke’s shoulders and stands to give her space.

 

“You made good time,” Luna says as Bill and Beland enter the hut.

 

“ _Sha_ , _Heda gave Octavia and Beland Icarus and Daedalus so we would arrive faster,”_ Bill informs her.

 

“Has she woken at all?” Beland says watching Clarke closely before looking at Luna. His frown evident through his beard.

 

“No,” Luna shakes her head sadly. She feels Beland’s large hand, incredibly gentle, squeeze her shoulder to comfort her. She gives him a weak smile. “She’s trapped in her head.”

 

“ _Sha_ , _”_ Beland agrees.

 

Luna narrows her eyes, “You can hear her can’t you?”

 

Beland nervously glances away but nods. “It is hard to ignore…”

 

“What do you hear,” Octavia’s low gravelly voice comes from the bed where she has curled up to Clarke and is gently stroking her hair.

 

“…Her screams.”

 

* * *

 

Clarke has had this nightmare before.

 

She’s experienced this hell in her head many of times.

 

She remembers it like it was yesterday. She carries it with her every step she takes in this world.

 

It started after the mountain, it followed her through the wilderness, it burrowed into her in Polis and it was kept at bay by Lexa’s presence.

 

But now it’s back. It’s back with a vengeance.

 

And it started the same way it always did…

_She was lost in a sea of green. She felt heavy, as if an anvil had been planted inside her - right in her chest; her knees felt weak, her breathing was uneven and she was pinned to the ground._

_No matter how hard she urged her legs to move forward they remained rooted in their spot. Her eyes burned, they ached to close but she wouldn't let them. She couldn't let them. Everything was happening at once, she couldn't keep up with the pace. This wasn't happening, couldn't be happening, she felt dizzy before her mind ran itself blank and all that was before her was those piercing green eyes._

"May we meet again.”

_It's nothing more than a whisper; but it's louder than the war horns, the sound of armour and metal, and deafening compared to the rush of blood in her ears. It's a second blow, one Clarke feels in her bones._

_What was worse was that the whisper wouldn't stop._

_It was now on repeat._

_Slowly getting louder with each repetition, but somehow remaining a whisper. She tried to shake her head, she tried to scream, and she tried to move. The burning in her eyes is worsening and the weight in her chest is steadily pushing her deeper into the mud. Her mind reeling, she tried to swallow her silent scream of protest. She willed herself forward._ “Lexa!”

_She had to stop her. Her surroundings began to swim around her, her vision blurred in and out of focus; a wave of nausea overtook her before everything went black._

  

 _Then, she could feel herself wandering; she was searching the black expanse before her, everywhere she turned she could see nothing._ I need light, _she thought as she reached her hands forward into the darkness. As if on cue a spotlight lit above her; casting an eerie shadow around her, making the darkness beyond the spotlight even worse._

_She felt her body shudder. And then she felt it in her right hand. A heavy object…metal, evenly balanced._

_Clarke shook her head, panic setting in. She was holding her gun. What was worse, she involuntarily found herself raising it. She stared at the gun and her arm curiously before searching out beyond it and looking for her gun’s target._

_Dante Wallace._

**_BANG_ **

 

 _The old man crumples before her. Blood escaping his lips as he hits the floor._ No… No… No! Not again… _Clarke said silently to herself, more of a prayer than anything else. She looked at the gun in disgust, she didn't even remember pulling the trigger; she just did it. As though the gun and her right arm had a mind of its own._

_Turning her head away from the gun, Clarke noticed a small light in the distance._

_She didn't remember starting to walk but she was never the less moving forward. Or was she? Every step toward the light she felt like it was farther away. She tried to run. She had to get out the darkness._ Move Clarke, _she silently willed herself._ Just move.

_It felt as though her feet would give out from under her, she couldn't take another step, yet she did. She trudged toward the light as though on a mission to save her own life, she quickened her pace._

_Finally, the light began to grow. How long had she been moving for? Her legs ached and burned screaming for oxygen that her lungs just couldn't supply. Clarke's breathing was just as ragged as when she was lost in the sea of green…_ No Clarke, just move your fucking feet _. And she did._

_All at once the light spread out before her._ Finally _, Clarke thought. Just as the thought finished all the air was sucked out of her body as the light touched what was before her._

_A putrid smell filled Clarke's nose, a bitter taste filled her mouth, and ragged gasps escaped her body as she took in the sight._

_Bodies. Clarke took in the sight, combing over each and every one, seeing it all absorbing the sight before her. She knew this place. She’s been here before. This nightmare is not new._

_She was standing in the dining hall of Mount Weather. Clarke gasped again. She whirled around on the spot, the bodies were everywhere she turned, she couldn't escape them, and then she smelled it._

_Fire._

_Clarke whirled around and her eyes burned all over again at the sight. The entire room was on fire. A whole new wave of panic set in. She had to get out of here. She had to find an exit, something, anything._

_Clarke stumbled in her blind panic and she struggled to stand again. She pushed with her hands and found not cement but flesh. Clarke reeled back, pushing herself to a kneeling position as she looked around in shock. The bodies, they had multiplied. She was no longer only with the dead mountain men, she was kneeling right on top of Anya and underneath her were hundreds of grounders._

_She screamed aloud and shot straight to a stand still as she absorbed the horrific site. She stood atop a mountain of bodies and below her the fire danced, slowly enveloping each corpse as it rose toward Clarke._ No, no…no…please…

 

_The flames rage higher and she feels them swarm her all at once. Her body is burning but doesn’t, she can feel the burning sensation but see’s no melting skin. Pain rifles through her, bubbling inside her veins and throbbing between her ears._

 

_Then everything goes black._

And there is where her nightmare changes.

 

_Clarke opens her eyes to blinding sunlight and sand beneath her feet. The flaming star is so large and hot she feels that if she reaches out to touch it she could. She stares and stares at the flaming orb, it should be burning her; she should feel it’s burning glare and rage but she doesn’t._

 

 _She can hear Claire’s whisper in her ears, “_ _without your heart there is no Clarke, no Wanheda, no life, there is only death.”_

 

_A part of her is trying to remember. Trying to listen and heed her advice._

 

_But all too soon the sun begins to set._

 

_Whispers of Wanheda fill her ears._

 

_She pulls at the ropes that bind her hands behind her back. She is struck by shadows to the face; again and again they lay into her. She is kicked in the stomach, thrown to her knees._

 

_She stands again and grins a blackened bloody smile. “Is that all you got?”_

 

_Another punch is thrown._

 

_The image blurs; her binds are checked and tightened. She tastes her own blood. She is shoved forward into the night. The wind kicks at her cloak and hair._

 

_Her breath quickens minutely and her heart begins to thump with it. She stalks forward into the on setting darkness. Her bloody smile present through every step._

 

_She is the night, she has been waiting, she has been watching._

 

_She had planned this from the start._

 

_Being a prisoner is kind of her thing; at least now, it is by choice._

 

_They are following her plan without even knowing it._

 

_They are until they aren’t._

 

 _Plans really_ don _’t last long in battle. She didn't account for the wind. She didn't account for the dryness. She didn't account for a lot of things..._

 

_The wind picks up around her, there is a bite to the air; it pulls at her hair and cloak. The sand grains rip at any bare skin it can find._

 

_She is not surprised to find Her blades have been kept on her, she is seen as no real threat; she’s alone, she’s dehydrated, and she is out of her element._

 

_She is not concerned. She is fearless._

 

_In underestimating her they have made their second mistake, the first - 'capturing' her._

 

_Only the strongest survive the desert._

 

_And Wanheda is nothing if not strong. She has a caged lion beating beneath her ribs._

 

_She is thrown to her knees in front of a gigantic crowd. They have been summoned from the surrounding villages; they have come to see a new Wanheda be ushered in upon the death of the old._

 

_There are hundreds..._

 

_She takes the chance to speak; to warn. Perhaps, to give them a chance._

 

_"If I were you, I would send the elderly and the children away to the next closest village. I did not come for their deaths. I come for the guilty!"_

 

_“Death has no reign in the desert. Not by you,” comes the icy reply and a figure steps out of the darkness._

 

_Her breath hitches and she works hard not to show it though her mind is screaming in protest. This wasn’t supposed to go this particular way..._

 

_The figure before her changes everything._

 

_Her bounds are cut but she makes no move._

 

_She waits._

 

_Wanheda growls, she seethes. She hardens. Clarke's eyes narrow as she steels herself._

 

_A child steps into view with a flaming torch. The child is the one that spoke. He speaks again, “Do you know who I am?”_

 

_“Goufa,” Wanheda answers refusing to be intimidated by an adolescent teen that has yet to have his balls drop._

 

_The child - the cocky, little, bald Titus looking shit - smiles, “Wrong. I am fear.”_

 

_Clarke laughs in his bravery; Wanheda eats fear for breakfast, lunch and dinner. “I am Death, nice to meet you.”_

 

_Her first mistake._

 

_The child comes forward menacingly, she tries to pull back when he places hands on either side of her head._

 

_Pain rockets through her. Ice runs through her veins. It washes over the flames, they flicker and wane. She struggles, her body buckles. Images flash before her eyes._

 

_Raven dead. Octavia dead. Her mother dead. Bellamy dead. Luna dead. The nightbloods dead._

 

_The people she fights for, dead._

 

_Kai dead._

 

_Lexa dead._

 

_The dead rising. The dead walking._

 

_Clarke is screaming; her voice is hollow. Her body shakes and curls into itself as she sees the cause of each death._

 

_Wanheda._

 

_Her screams continue. They rattle from her chest with each fresh, hard fought for, breath._

 

_The torture continues; she writhes in the child’s hold over her. She convulses. She fights against her arm, vaguely aware that it’s moving on it’s own. She feels the handle of her dagger, she knows how to end this, how to save everyone..._

 

“NO.” _She doesn’t recognize her own voice breaking through. “_ No!” i _t repeats but her arm continues to move. A new pain, a fresh pain, a very real physical pain cuts into her side._

 

_And then she hears her…_

 

_Claire._

 

Fight.

 

You must fight Clarke. Love is strength, and it will see you through the darkness.

 

Keep your heart open no matter what comes. Without your heart there is no Clarke, no Wanheda, no life, there is only death.

 

Have her, have the light…

 

_Her saving grace._

 

_Her Lexa._

 

_Green, beautifully lit and sparkling eyes begin to break through the flashing images of corpses._

 

_Energy courses within her, it hums, it bucks, it promises…_

 

_Clarke fights. Wanheda fights with her. She begins to steal her mind back from the boys clutches. The flames inside catch oxygen with each breath._

 

_She's strong. She's stronger than they know. She's stronger than she knows._

 

_She is loved. She is driven by love._

_It refuses to let fear overshadow it._

 

_And their love is the strongest of them all._

 

_Her lionheart roars and her vision comes back. She begins to break through the mental hold on her mind, the child falters before her. The hands on her head twitch and Wanheda makes her move._

 

 _“Ai laik Wanheda, the_ only _Wanheda; and I warned you! Your time is up!”_

 

_She pulls the dagger from her own side as anger boils over and takes her. She lets it. The drive to survive, the instinct to overcome breaks through._

 

_And just like that the monster is unleashed._

 

_Just like that, all she can see is red._

 

_Her hands ignite, her wrists flick and flames ignite the guards behind her. She sends the flames high arching in the air and they catch the wind. A tornado of flame and sand kicks up and begins to engulf the crowd. The sand storm morphs as Wanheda’s rage builds, the fires alit in it’s core spread and rage higher. The tornado splits into three._

 

_The crowd erupts and chaos ensues._

 

_Amidst the out of control flaming sand storms the desert kru does not yield; no, it raises their weapons._

 

_Her body count rises instantly._

_It happens in split seconds._

 

_She pushes herself to a stand, grabs the boy by the throat and raises him off the ground. Her palm burns her handprint into his throat._

 

_Wanheda breathes deep the smell of burning flesh and smiles as she brings him closer. He fumbles for her head once more; he tries to force her fear back into her, he tries to break her._

 

_But Clarke is strong. Clarke is stubborn._

 

_And Wanheda is livid._

 

_Wanheda is unleashed._

 

_Wanheda laughs in his face, “Branwadesh Goufa!” foolish child, “I am fear. I am death and I bring you to yours!”_

 

_She lets her hand burn more, the flame melting and curling the flesh away where her hand lies. He pushes against her hold, he screams into the night._

 

_She smiles as flesh gives way to blood and the light in his eyes flicker and wane._

 

_She drops the body unceremoniously to her feet and launches further into attack. Every person she sees dies by flame or blade. She pulls none of her own out, she uses their own._

 

_They wanted death; they wanted to command it, wield it, lord over it._

 

_They cannot have what is not theirs so she delivers their end._

 

_That night, Clarke breathed fire._

 

_The tornado’s rage and rip as the battle continues. Clarke sends flames in any direction she chooses, she needs more. She wants more._

 

_She does not stop._

 

_Wanheda travels even as the main village of Sana burns. Her fires spread, she is unstoppable. She stalks the light of day as well as the night._

 

_She vows to end the desert clan._

 

_And She doesn’t stop until she has._

 

_The tornados still fly in the desert when she leaves. Smoke travels on the wind; a message, a warning. An omen._

 

 _Only the strongest survive the desert._  

 

_And Wanheda is the only one to leave._

 

_Blackness encompasses her. Black remains._

 

_The pain and fear doesn’t fade._

 

_It billows, it surges, it poisons…_

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke jars awake with a howl. She frantically looks around; she reaches for non-existent blades.

 

“Clarke!” Octavia shouts, “You’re safe, it’s okay! Shhh.” She tries to embrace her, after a few shoves she holds her tight in the bed. She pulls her head to her chest, “Shhh, it’s O. Ow! Fuck, stop! You’re okay. You’re in _Botta_ , it’s just me and Luna. Shhh Clarke, breathe.”

 

_Breathe, Clarke._

 

She does, it's laboured. She shakes her head sadly, still too worked up to process.

 

Clarke’s breath is shallow and unsatisfying. She feels Octavia’s hands on her; stroking her hair, her back, her cheek. She holds her close and tight. She’s trying to keep her steady, trying to bring her back to reality.

 

She struggles.

 

Her eyes burn against the light in the room, she’s disoriented. Confused.

 

“Lexa?” her voice crackles and she groans in protest, reaching for her throat. 

 

Instantly, a cup is at her lips, while her head continues to rest against a warm chest. She sips and sips; it does nothing to quell the burn in her throat.

 

“She’s in Polis, she’s safe, shhh,” Octavia coos lowering the cup.

 

Clarke nods and looks at the furs. She’s aware she’s naked; she doesn’t care. She tries to take comfort in her friend. Her side hurts like a bitch.

 

“How long was I unconscious?”

 

“A day and half,” Luna’s voice carries from the doorway as she enters.

 

Clarke nods taking quick glances around the room. She works to slow her breaths and calm her mind. It’s a struggle to come back from the nightmare.

 

It is obvious Wanheda does not eat _all_ of Clarke’s fear. The child's touch lingers in her own self doubt.

 

“How mad is she?” Clarke croaks nervously.

 

Octavia and Luna exchange nervous glances that don’t go unnoticed.

 

“That bad?”

 

“She’s not angry, she’s hurt,” Octavia blurts out. “Confused.”

 

Clarke nods slowly as she pushes to sit up. Octavia helps her and Clarke winces in pain.

 

“She’ll get over it,” Clarke says calmly.

 

“Like hell she will unless you help her,” Octavia says glaring at Clarke. “You show up close to death. You tell her little to nothing. You block her out for _days_ even when unconscious…”

 

Clarke purses her lips. “It’s not safe for her to feel me right now. I’m trying to protect her.”

 

“Gee, doesn’t that sound familiar.”

 

Clarke glares up at her. “You don’t understand.”

 

“Try us,” Luna challenges sitting on the end of the bed. She shoves a plate into Clarke’s hands. “Eat.”

 

“I’m not hungry,” Clarke pushes against the plate.

 

“Don’t care. Eat.”

 

Clarke relents under the two sets of glares she receives and nibbles on the food. It tastes like ash in her mouth. She swallows anyways.

 

It hurts.

 

she remembers breathing fire and her body trembles as her hands move mindlessly.

 

After the bits of food she manages to swallow, Clarke is handed an herbal tea to help her nerves. After that, another to help her heal.

 

“You look like hell.”

 

“I’m not surprised, I feel like I was just there,” Clarke shivers.

 

Her nightmare flashes before her eyes. She feels Octavia’s hand running against her back soothingly. She tries to focus on her warmth. She melts into her chest again. A tear escapes her and she shudders in breaths. She cannot help the crying. She slowly feels her walls crack but not break. They remain tall.

 

It’s just a leak.

 

“Clarke. What happened?” Luna says softly grabbing her shin.

 

Clarke looks up at her, “I had no choice.” Her voice breaks again, her chest wracks in a sob. She see’s the boys face. She feels her own smile when his blood pools around her hand and his boiling flesh. She swallows the razor blades in her throat and she clenches her eyes shut against Octavia’s chest.

 

The woman’s arms tighten around her. “You’re safe. Talk to us.”

 

Clarke swallows again, her tears keep leaking from her eyes through closed lids, “I- I killed them all. The desert is no more. I had no choice.”

 

She can feel Octavia hold her breath but nod against her head. Clarke sobs again.

 

“He was just a kid…”

 

“Clarke-“

 

She cuts her off. Wanheda driving her forward, her strength of mind returning, her will and her determination. Her fucking stubbornness coming through.

 

_Her lionheart. It will see her through._

 

She uses it to speak for her.

 

“When I arrived I waited, I found them and spied on them. Three villages I visited, I watched. I was a ghost among men. Me but not myself.” She swallows. “I was afraid, I had a… feeling that things would be more difficult there. I played to my strengths and my enemies underestimations; I let them think they captured _Wanheda_.” She feels Octavia stiffen around her.

 

“I planned it out. I calculated everything carefully. I made it difficult but easy enough that they would doubt my abilities. They called the villages, sent word of _Wanheda’s_ capture; professed to have the next _Wanheda_ ready to take my place. …They brought _everyone._ ”

 

Clarke shivers and the squeeze around her and on her shin bring her onward. They keep her present, rooted, keeps her from falling back into the dark.

 

She follows her heart.

 

She speaks.

 

“They brought the warriors; the army and the mercenaries. They brought the children, the elderly. They planned a party to bear witness to the second coming of Wanheda…” Clarke clenches her eyes tighter at the images. “…he was just a kid.”

 

“What?”

 

“They wanted a kid to become Wanheda?” Octavia asks.

 

Clarke keeps her eyes shut and nods. “…Just a boy; but he was different, he was _special_. He was dangerous."

 

“He had a gift?” Luna’s voice perked.

 

“He said he was fear. He proved it.” Clarke swallows.

 

“He touched my mind; he broke my barriers I had been working on keeping up while in wait. I didn’t want Lexa to worry… I was working to keep her from this, from my fear of what I felt coming but did not have the foresight to see…” She takes a deep, slow and shaky breath.

 

Clarke feels fragile. Small. Her heart remains strong, purring and urging her to further press her cheek into Octavia for strength.

 

It works.

 

“I saw my greatest fears; I saw your deaths.” She swallows the bile in her throat, “I saw Kai…I saw Lexa…” She quakes, “all dead because of me…” She shakes her head trying to rid the memory, “And then you all rose, you walked… dead but undead…”

 

Clarke breaks in fresh sobs. She bawls and shouts and screams as the images of her dead loved ones come towards her.

 

“Clarke!” Luna shouts. She feels the bed dip and Luna crawls onto the other side of her.

 

“Shhhh, it’s okay. It’s not real Clarke. We’re here.” Octavia’s own voice breaks as she tries to comfort her.

 

Clarke is enveloped in a cocoon of warmth as Luna’s arms encircle them as well. The furs are brought further up and Clarke’s shivering and sobs begin to lessen…

 

“You don’t have to continue,” Luna says softly against her head.

 

“Yes, I do…”

 

She again, _needs_ to heed Claire’s advice and follow her heart. Follow her instincts. This mistake she made cannot be a mistake in the long run. She won’t let it. She didn’t let it. That is why she remained in the Desert. She saw Wanheda’s work through, she made sure blood must have blood with the Desert clan ended with Wanheda collecting theirs.

 

The desert was no more.

 

“I made a mistake. I didn’t account for them to bring the women, the elderly, the children… They are- _were_ _different_. The desert is harsher than our lands, they are unforgiving in ways we will never comprehend… They all fought. They all tried to kill me…” She swallows. “So I killed them first. I killed them last. I ended the desert…”

 

“Clarke,” Octavia whispers.

 

“Don't. I don't need your sympathy, it'll only make me feel worse. They left me little choice, and though it's not okay, it has to be. I did what I needed to. I made sure it ended that night. Their fights are over. I burned the desert, I sent them on to whatever comes next..."

 

There is silence in the room that follows as Clarke’s sobs stop. Octavia wipes her eyes but neither women let go of her.

 

She doesn’t want them to.

 

“Explain the wound Clarke…” Luna finally says softly. “The healers say it was self inflicted.”

 

Clarke stiffens, “…It was.”

 

The women around her stiffen.

 

“But it wasn’t me, not really, the _goufa…_ he made me do it. He made me believe it was the only way to save you…”

 

Another bit of silence. She feels Luna stroke her hair and whisper, “Then explain why you left Lexa, why you tried to refuse treatment, why you ended up on my beach…”

 

“I – I wanted to see the Ocean one last time.”

 

“Clarke,” Octavia’s breath hitches and Clarke feels warm tears land on her nose. She nuzzles closer.

 

“…It’s difficult to explain… Though I know I pushed through his control, it lingers… I can still feel it… the fear is not gone.”

 

“Clarke you won’t hurt any of us.”

 

“I will. I will hurt Lexa, this will hurt Lexa. I have already hurt her. She can’t be in here right now feeling what I’m feeling; she feels enough pain on her own. I can’t add to it. It’s not fair to her.”

 

Again, her words are followed with silence and uncertainty.

 

“So what do we do? How do we help?” Octavia asks gently.

 

Clarke pauses.

 

An image before her eyes appears; at first, it’s nothing but a sea of green, but this time it is not foreboding, not scary, not pushing her to desperation.

 

It’s soothing. It’s purpose.

 

It's home.

 

“I need therapy,” Clarke finally answers.

 

Soft chuckles emit in the room. “What kind of therapy?” Luna asks.

 

Clarke finally opens her eyes and looks up, she turns her head to meet both eyes.

 

“I need to go to TonDC. I have to make things right. I have to make it up to her."

 

"Road trip! Nice." 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I call this picking up her marbles.


	52. The Return to The Wall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ...Feelings.

 

 

Clarke speeds through the afternoon sun atop, not Daedalus, but a giant grey wolf. She and Bill bolt through the trees at a blistering pace. Clarke had originally wanted to take the flames, but she's still too weak and Octavia refused to let her be on her own. She wasn't about to do that to Lexa or Clarke.

 

Octavia rides behind with Daedalus and Beland on Icarus. Though they are the swiftest steeds in Lexa’s lands, Bill is faster. Clarke arrives much quicker into the village of TonDC.

 

The unsuspecting village greets her joyously. They chant her names and reach out to her. She wasn’t supposed to arrive for another few days so her visit is a welcome surprise.

 

They welcome her to her and Lexa’s permanent hut and she lights the fire inside instantly with a flick of her wrist upon entering. The people give the gigantic wolf she rode in on a wide birth while he waits for her outside. She unloads her things and lights the candles. She doesn’t wait for the rest of her party to arrive, Octavia knows where she is headed. She silently leaves her hut to begin her work.

 

She directs Bill where they're headed on his back and they make excellent time. Bill begins to scout the area and set a perimeter.

 

Clarke finds the hidden opening of the long forgotten tunnel and enters the dark damp hall. Her supplies are held under her arm and she breathes deeper with each step.

 

A calm washes over her, a soothing warmth fills her and for the first time in days she feels it. The cold chill in her bones finally begins to thaw.

 

She flicks her wrist and lights the trough of oil along the floor.

 

Claire and Alex’s life mural flickers into focus reaching across the length of the wall. Once again, Clarke's first reaction is one of awe, holy shit. She's seen the wall before, but it's beauty and detail still takes her breath away.

 

Claire’s words come back to her as she looks upon the mural on the wall. She remembers the last time she was here with Lexa. She takes in the mural that started her soul's journey many years ago.

 

You are in control though you may not feel like it at times. You are Heda Kom Faete as much as I am, more so with Lexa at your side for I never found Alex until my spirit was you. Love is strength Clarke, and it will see you through the darkness. Have her, have the light.

 

Clarke smiles, a genuine smile, the first one in days…

 

After some time spent in silent appreciation, she turns her back and sets her supplies down.

 

Therapy starts now.

 

* * *

 

 

Two days pass.

 

For two solid days Clarke stays awake, completely enraptured in her therapy. She's taken by her own work. Inspired.

 

She eats what’s forced into her by Octavia and the twins. (They draw sticks to pick who has the unfortunate task of interrupting her.)

 

She takes the briefest of breaks, though her eyes never leave the wall. Her mind never stops planning her next move. She rushes back to her work each time.

 

With each motion of her hand; each brush stroke and soft edge; Each cut of paint into the cement wall, she brings it to life.

 

It brings Clarke back to hers.

 

It reminds her who she is. It reminds her why she is who she is.

 

With each piece she adds, Clarke feels her own walls, the walls keeping Lexa from her feelings, softening. If Lexa reaches out at all she will know. She becomes stronger, ready to let Lexa back in, as Clarke heals herself through art.

 

Catharsis.

 

Each addition she makes is purification. It’s purpose. It’s pride.

 

By the early morning of her second full night of work, before the sun has even risen; four days before their Union Day, Clarke is finally ready.

 

Physically, she's on the mend. The wound is scabbing nicely. Emotionally, she's not healed, but she is bandaged and on her way there. She’s literally and figuratively no longer bleeding from the inside out. She’s no longer trapped in her fear. Her mind is loosening. Her muscles begin to lessen in tension. She starts breathing easier.

 

Wanheda's guard is lowering as Clarke's strength comes back.

 

But the only thing that will truly heal Clarke is in Polis.

 

The only thing that will bring her back, right her wrongs and make her truly believe again is Lexa.

 

So on the last stroke she makes, she drops the paintbrush and pulls the flames from the oil, plunging the hall into darkness, and letting them lead her home, to Lexa.

 

* * *

 

Clarke lands on the balcony of the tower. 

 

She pushes the doors to their room open to find that it's... 

 

"A giant fucking mess..." Clarke says frowning taking in the usually pristine room that looks like it's been ransacked. 

 

Lexa's not in bed. She's not really surprised, when Lexa was stressed she would be by her throne pacing. Clarke knew where to find her.

 

"Heda was angry..." (Understatement.) Clarke murmurs walking further and bypassing the various items thrown all over the floor. She must have kept the handmaidens out since Clarke's visit...

 

She probably tried to keep them all out. She's grateful for Raven and Kai knowing they wouldn't let that happen. Octavia didn't tell her much about Lexa's state of mind when she left out of respect for Lexa's privacy but this was pretty indicative of how she was...

 

Thinking back on everything, Clarke feels horrible, as she should (she really fucking should). She can tell Lexa has given up on trying to feel for her; she feels no reaching from her and Clarke has tried to respect her boundaries and not reach back. Her eyes well and she bites her lips and she quickly heads to the wardrobe.

 

Guilt is a terrible thing and Clarke carries enough of it to last her more than one lifetime. Her hands start shaking again and she fights off tears.

 

 _Breathe. That's why you're here now. You just needed time. She'll understand_.

 

She always does.

 

She quickly changes into a fresh beige tunic and dark brown leather pants. She takes her grey cloak and fastens it on. Except for the hidden assassin blades, She wears only her katana on her hip tonight. This early morning she's only planning on battling emotions.

 

When she’s ready, she fixes her braids and pinches her cheeks in attempts to make it look like she hadn't just spent two days underground. She doesn't know how successful she is as the bruises and small lacerations have yet to fade completely. She opens the door to their room and heads to the throne room.

 

She stops inside the elevator and smiles as a thought strikes her. When the elevator doors open Clarke has disappeared in flames.

 

She lands in the dark nightgrove and heads to the edge of the cliff. She waits. She works on calmly breathing until the perfect moment. She has a brief flicker of worry that has her wondering if she'll answer, if she'll come to Clarke's call, but it vanishes as quick as it came. She has to try, no matter how much the obvious rejection would hurt if Lexa didn't respond ...

 

As soon as the sun begins to rise over polis, as soon as she sees the first break of dawn over the lake, she breaks the walls completely and  pushes her lovingly warm ache for Lexa to her.

 

She breathes a little easier with each second.

 

She doesn't feel the tears that slowly escape her eye in its sweet caress. 

 

 _Ai niron. Ai houmon. Ai sounron_. My love. My wife. My life.

 

But Lexa doesn't show.

 

Clarke waits with a furrowed brow and a roaring heart. She doubles her efforts but the result stays the same. She watches the sun continue to rise and she tries to swallow her frustration. 

 

This is all her fault. Lexa is hurt and Clarke is the one that hurt her, she cut her deep without a single blade in hand. Clarke clenches her fists at her side and shuts her eyes tighter. 

 

She tries to contain the boiling pot of her guilt, frustration and quite frankly anger towards herself with steadying breaths. 

 

She fails.

 

Clarke screams bloody murder over the slumbering city. Her hollow voice cracks and seeps over like a cloud; it echoes hauntingly. 

 

She doesn't feel Wanheda driving it; it's all Clarke, it's all raw pain.

 

It doesn't make her feel any better.

 

 Clarke failed her on multiple levels. She shut her out, she stopped communicating properly, she essentially fucked up and got carried away with the wind in the desert, she let her fear drive her...

 

Fear is too powerful to be given such control, such reign over her being. She's too dangerous; too willing to do whatever it takes. If Clarke is driven by fear the only result will be just as the desert -- death and destruction. Burned from existence. 

 

Erased.

 

No more.

 

 _Breathe, that's why you're here now_.

 

She’s here to make amends; she’s stronger with Lexa than without. They are strongest when they share their pain and their joy. Sometimes it's difficult to get over the pain or to see past it but Clarke knows deep down the only way she will, is with Lexa's help. They have a lot of pain, but they have a whole hell of a lot of things to be joyous about.

 

They have light that will get them through the dark. Sometimes they just need the reminder.

 

Instead of leaving angry or defeated, Clarke resigns herself to Lexa's mercy, Lexa's anger, her sadness and her hurt. She doesn't steel herself or try and protect herself with her walls, she stays open for what may come.

 

She opens her eyes and takes the flames to just outside the throne room. This time she'll knock, she'll wait for consent to invade Lexa's private moments.

 

The guards snap to alert when she appears, she looks right at them and nods as she passes them, heading to the door. She knocks softly.

 

No answer.

 

Clarke takes a deep breath and knocks again. 

 

She waits a second longer before the faint click of the door is heard and it cracks open. 

 

"...Lex?"

 

"Clarke?" Ravens sleepy face is revealed as the door opens wider.

 

"Hey, is she asleep?"

 

Raven rubs her eyes and nods, "she keeps dozing in and out. It's been a long night."

 

Clarke puts her hand on her shoulder, "thanks for looking out for her."

 

Raven pulls her in for a quick hug. "Stop hurting her and we're cool Griffin. But the next time you pull a stunt like this you better be ready to catch these hands." She pulls back to look at her seriously. "It's been bad. I'm serious."

 

"Noted. Listen, I didn't plan on any of this happening. I just needed-"

 

Raven holds her hand up, "not the one you need to be explaining things to bud. Save it for the broody gay queen."

 

Clarke and Raven share a small understanding smile before Raven tilts her head and beckons Clarke to pass her.

 

The door softly clicks shut behind raven leaving Clarke in the dark room, the sunrise creeping in slowly from the balcony. 

 

Clarke steps closer, quietly padding over to Lexa's sleeping form. She's on the throne, her feet tucked up on the seat, arms holding her knees and her head against her shoulder. It all makes her look so tiny. So fragile. 

 

"Clarke," the woman murmurs and twitches lightly in her sleep.

 

Clarke closes her eyes for a moment knowing from the way she said it that it's not exactly connected to a good feeling. 

 

"Niron," she whispers reverently when she opens her eyes and falls to her knees at the foot of the throne. "Lex," she whispers gently reaching up and tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

 

And all at once Clarke breaks. The tears begin to fall steady as everything that's happened in the last week comes flooding back; the death, the blood, the fear, and most importantly - the pain she knows she caused Lexa. Seeing her now, just being in her safe place, breaks the dam inside the blonde.

 

Lexa stirs at the sound. Her eyes flutter open and concern fills her features. "Clarke?" She doesn't move anything beyond the small turn of her head. Green eyes guarded and unsure. 

 

Clarke moves, she puts her hand on her cheek, and sniffles when she smiles, she can't help it. "I'm so sorry Lexa."

 

Lexa adjusts her body slowly, as if afraid to spook her. It makes Clarke cry harder and Lexa's frown deepens and only worsens it. Clarke figures something out, "you're n- not feeling for me are you. Your blocking both aren't you."

 

"You asked me not to... It was the easiest way." Lexa says quietly.

 

Clarke shakes her head and comes a little closer, speaking through her tears again she reaches out to Lexa and grabs her hand, "feel me Lex; you don't need my permission, you have this wonderful gift for a reason, it was wrong of me to tell you not to use it."

 

Clarke pulls her closer and runs her other hand up Lexas shoulder and on to the back of her neck. "It was more wrong of me to keep you out, to not talk to you... To make you doubt and worry. I know I scared you..."

 

Clarke looks into deep forests in her eyes and whispers, "can you feel me?"

 

"Clarke," lexa breathes back. The tears give her away.

 

Clarke takes that as a yes.

 

"Do you trust me ai niron?" She pulls their bodies closer.

 

"I trust you with my life Clarke."

 

"Good, because this is untested and you need to come with me."

 

She crashes her lips to Lexas in a heated and slow drawn out kiss. Energy courses through her, it hums and her fire blazes higher with each pump of blood to her heart. She focuses and the tornado of flames enraptures them both, Clarke keeping Lexa close and safe within the small circle untouched by flame.

 

It works. They go weightless together. They vanish in flames from the sunrise view in the throne room  _together._  

 

But it's the kiss that takes their breaths away.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa’s head lifts back slowly, eyes remaining closed, lost in the moment. Lost in Clarke's kiss. There's the faintest whisper escaping her lips as if it's a prayer, “ _Clarke_.”

  

Then Lexa leans back further, coming to her senses, “Clarke, where are we?”

 

They're standing in complete darkness.

 

“We are at the beginning Lex,” Clarke says grabbing her hand and turning her. 

 

She focuses her energy and makes the flaming moat beneath Alex and Claire’s mural light and then rise higher. 

 

Lexa looks back at her and then back to the wall. “Okay, but why? I don’t understand.”

 

"You will," Clarke pulls her closer and touches the wall with their entwined hands. Fingertips gently pad it before Clarke presses their hands more firmly into the wall, Lexa’s palm and fingertips now firmly touching century old paint with Clarke’s hand over top it.

 

Clarke moves so she can keep their hands together and stand behind Lexa. She holds their bodies flush, her free hand wrapping around her midsection, her head on her shoulder, her warm breath in her ear.

 

“I spoke to her, to Claire…have you ever spoken to Alex?” Clarke watches Lexa’s eyes wander across the mural. 

 

Lexa nods, "after the trial. She reminded me of the blood." Clarke sees the tears welling again but they do not fall.

 

“Well, claire and I had a conversation after I left you for Delphi. she told me a lot without telling me much of anything…" Clarke shakes her head, she's not really making much sense right now. Lexa is always so much better at these big romantic gestures...the speeches.

 

Clarke nuzzles her nose into Lexas neck and jaw breathing her in deep before trying again.

 

"I know you have some idea of what happened in the desert and I need you to know that me blocking you was  _not_  because I regret what I did for our hopes at peace. It wasn't because I resent or regret my place or you - because I could  _never_." Clarke swallows and places a soft kiss to Lexa's neck.

 

"I did what I had to do; and though I feel I made a few mistakes and let it get out of hand – you make me believe I didn’t...The hope I have for a future without bloodshed is strong enough for me to know it had to be done. If they had lived there would have been terrible backlash, they all were ready to fight death."

 

"They lost."

 

"Sha," Clarke said sadly. "I warned them..."

 

“Calrke,” Lexa tries to turn to look at her.

 

Clarke keeps her steady, rooted, hands still pressed to the wall. “No Lex. Wait. Focus. Feel me, feel Claire and Alex’s energy. Breathe…let me talk.”

 

Lexa nods against her and Clarke feels her relax slightly in her arms. She feels their soothing shared warmth enrapture them both.

 

Clarke sighs content and speaks, “Claire warned me that we have not seen our darkest days… she was right and I am certain it extends beyond the desert… but I am not afraid Lex. And maybe I should be. But I’m not. I had my worst fears shown to me in the desert, I saw them, felt them... and I survived, I pushed beyond them and do you know why?"

 

Lexa shakes her head.

 

"I have you and that’s all I need. She told me you were the light, she’s right, our love brought me back. I fought and I won... "

 

Clarke sighs, "I'm fine with what happened in the desert. I've accepted that Wanheda's death count would rise long ago. I've accepted the harsh truth of the way life is on ground right now. It wasn't fear of what I had done there, it is fear of what I could do... What I did to you - Lex, What I am more concerned about is us and how I made you feel."

 

"You don't have to apologize Clarke."

 

"I wish you would stop saying that when you know it's a crock of shit."

 

She can see a small twitch to Lexas lips in the firelight. Clarke kisses her neck again, "I'm so sorry Lexa. I'm sorry for for getting lost in my head, I'm sorry for blocking you. I'm sorry for scaring you."

 

Now Clarke gingerly pulls their hands from the way and spins her. Green orbs dance in the firelight and Clarke smiles, she kisses Lexa like its the first time all over again. 

 

Their lips move together. Passion seeping from every movement. Clarke pushes into Lexa, bringing their chests together. Breast-to-breast, lip-to-lip and hip-to-hip. 

 

She pulls back and hums with a grin. Lexa strokes her cheek, "I can see how sorry you are, I can feel it Clarke." Her thumb traces Clarke's bottom lip before her lips capture it. "Just don't do that again."

 

Clarke smiles out of this kiss and nods, "Shut your eyes."

 

Lexa follows the command swiftly, without hesitation and Clarke steps back just enough to separate their bodies. She keeps her hand entwined with Lexa's. Clarke remembers Lexa doing something similar when she first took her to the ocean. Now she is the one nervously excited to see the reaction she hopes to receive when Lexa opens her eyes.

 

Clarke leans in to kiss her cheek and whispers, "I love you Lexa. I want everyone to know it; I cannot wait until we stand in front of everyone and declare that our lives are each other's. I cannot wait for everyone to know I am yours... We are soul mates Lexa, in this life and the next just as we were before and now everyone will know..."

 

She kisses Lexas other cheek, "Alex came down here and painted their love for all to see on the wall; she immortalized the both of them, she immortalized their love. I've returned to help write the rest of their story, _our story_ Lex."

 

Clarke takes a deep breath. She flicks her wrist and ignites the opposite walls moat of oil. Her own mural comes to life, "Okay, I'm ready." Clarke takes a deep breath and huskily whispers, " _Ai niron_ , open your eyes."

 

As Lexa opens her incredibly expressive green eyes. Clarke can visibly see the moment her breath is taken away. Lexa freezes, her grip on Clarke's hand tightens, her eyes widen and she hungrily takes in the images.

 

Clarke feels joy. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck you Jason you dillhole.


	53. The Pictures on The Wall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is so gay.

 

 

Lexa has not been a happy commander.

 

 

She's been at a relative state of unease while Clarke's been away, but that unease bled to a tsunami of turbulent waters very quickly. 

 

 

' _The desert is no more_.'

 

                                                                                            

 _'Tell Lexa not to come_.'

 

 

Two sentences; just five words each; they’re simple, to the point, and gut wrenching. Clarke's messages threatened to break Lexa. They easily conducted shockwaves through her, sending her into many endless circles of thoughts and doubts in her head. 

 

 

Clarke didn't want her there at her sickbed. Clarke didn't want her sharing her pain, neither physical nor emotional. Clarke didn’t want to see her or feel her at all. The temptation to reach out was so strong that Lexa needed to block her gift, herself, off completely from Clarke. It left Lexa feeling bitter, distracted and weak.

 

 

Reports came in from the desert swiftly after their radio call to Shaw. It wasn't hard to put the puzzle pieces together of what transpired. Shaw's people didn't stay long out there; they didn't need to. 

 

 

The only people alive in the desert now were the nomads, and even they were needing to move on due to the remnant flames of Clarke that carry on the wind. She knew this would sit heavy on Clarke.

 

 

It would sit as heavy as a mountain.

 

 

That knowledge, that fact had Lexa’s nerves shot.

 

 

Lexa felt consumed in her own guilt for what Clarke had undoubtedly been forced to do. Clarke wouldn’t have made that decision lightly. She would have had to have no choice…

 

 

Lexa, of course, felt partially responsible. No matter how much Clarke wanted to carry this burden on her own - it was far too late for that - Lexa is _Heda_ and Clarke was acting for  _them_. 

 

 

She once again found herself angry about duty; bristling and irate about responsibility and burden that weighs on their shoulders. She was angry that Clarke shut her out. She was angry that she was having trouble controlling her own emotions.

 

 

She’s angry that this, for any normal couple, should be the happiest time of their lives and it's being tainted. 

 

 

She was concerned about the weight on Clarke. Her wellbeing was always Lexa's main concern. She tried to believe in Octavia's words of comfort that yes, Clarke had been afraid, but she didn't disappear to the wilds. Clarke was, for the most part, safe.

 

 

So yeah, the last few days have been especially difficult. 

 

 

So difficult that Lexa is sure, if it not for Raven and Kai, the myriad torment going on within her would have swallowed her whole. It's a dangerous path to go down, one she ventured down when Costia was taken, one she's thankful she didn't walk again. (Not completely anyways, but she may have toed the path _a_ _little_.)

 

 

 

Kai, the empathetic soul that she is, had been doing her very best to make Lexa smile. Lexa was informed that Clarke specifically tasked her with that mission and Lexa was hard-pressed to let either of them down. She tried to conceal and not feel. She tried to provide Kai with smiles, even if they didn’t reach her eyes. Lexa could tell that Kai was picking up her discomfort; she had begun questioning Clarke’s decision without really knowing what it was. She just knew something was off. The young natblida continued to try and make Lexa calm; she was reading to her whenever the opportunity arose, walking with her, visiting the orphanages. They napped together (Kai napped, Lexa held her and cried softly.)

 

 

Raven had walked in or interrupted many of her (affectionately dubbed, and poorly explained) 'hulk outs'; her most recent tantrum being in their bedroom. Lexa would have been embarrassed had it been anyone other than her bro. Lexa's current thought tirade in that particular moment had been all consuming fear that  _duty,_ what happened in the desert in the name of the future they want for their people, would cause Clarke to second guess uniting with Lexa. It was a selfish fear, but Lexa is human, no one could blame her. (No one but herself.) She was scared Clarke would ultimately bolt into the wilderness once more in the face of all of this. 

 

 

Like maybe she didn't think it was worth it. Like Lexa was worth it. Like once again, heart and head would be at odds and tear them apart.

 

 

And thank her fucking stars, there in that bedroom she was destroying, Raven had promptly wrestled her into a hug and brought her out of her spiral.  She brought her to the safety net, her grounding place without Clarke, her throne.

 

 

Raven and Kai helped Lexa remember that Clarke was all around, a piece of her in all of them, and she would be home soon. 

 

 

It didn't stop her from worrying.

 

* * *

 

Waking up to finally see Clarke in front of her in the throne room was a dream Lexa couldn’t be sure was reality. She had had that very dream many times in the last few days. She had been wishing and hoping for it to happen so hard that even though she could feel Clarke's warmth through her hands she didn't believe it real.

 

 

Once she knew it was indeed reality, she immediately was afraid to move. She feared breathing and spooking her. Feared making her vanish like the ghost of Wanheda. Clarke's glistening cheeks, soft whimpers, and hushed apologies, only worsened her fears. Deepened her frown.

 

 

Her heartfelt apology shatters Lexa's ears.

 

 

But when Clarke instructs Lexa to feel her, to lower her walls, they don't lower - they melt. They thaw and warp and become puddle and mush beneath Clarke's unrelenting flood of fiery love. It’s not meant to hurt, but the ache it fills hurts in an indescribably fulfilling way. 

 

 

She feels her tears, she does nothing to wipe them; Lexa simply basks in everything that is Clarke, everything she had been longing to feel for days. 

 

 

 _Her Clarke_.

 

 

And when Clarke asks her if she trusts her, she doesn't hesitate; there are no boundaries, no war tent and no 'I can't do that'.

 

 

There is only the truth, "I trust you with my life Clarke."

 

 

There's a response Lexa doesn't hear; lips she's watching closely move but register no sound in her head. There is nothing but an undeniable pull to attach her own to them. 

 

 

To strike the match.

 

 

And when Clarke kisses her it steals her breath. 

 

 

She hears a lion’s roar.

 

 

She tastes fire.

 

 

Clarke makes her feel weightless.

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa is overwhelmingly touched that Clarke has brought her back to the wall. 

 

 

They haven't been here since before Clarke took the blood. Neither one of them (as far as Lexa knew) had been back since Lexa brought Clarke here and told her the story of _Heda Kom Faete_ and _Heda Kom Jus;_ the day they discussed the fact they are those reincarnates, the day before Clarke had her first dream memory from Claire. Not long after they had made their pledges in TonDC. It's oddly fitting considering they are to make them publicly in a few days time...

 

 

The mural itself means a lot to Lexa and she's pleased to find, judging by what she can feel from her, it means just as much to Clarke. Seeing it again, touching it with Clarke, feeling their energies along with the ghosts of Alex and Claire, gives it a whole new meaning. It gives it a whole new sense of connection and purpose for them.

 

 

And Clarke's soft whispers and explanations in her ears, her affirmation and promise that she would never regret Lexa or the heavy burden that falls on her shoulders simply for loving her, are all she needs to erase the fears that she had earlier about that very thing.

 

 

A sense of calm, one that only exists when she's in Clarke's presence washes over her. Clarke's doting words and loving whispers about Lexa being her light, her strength, her hope, are exactly how Lexa would describe Clarke. Lexa pushes what she’s feeling back to Clarke, she lets the moment linger and their feelings mesh together; they share them, they breathe as one.

 

 

_"I'm so sorry Lexa. I'm sorry for getting lost in my head, I'm sorry for blocking you. I'm sorry for scaring you."_

 

 

Lexa doesn't need her apologies; she understands Clarke, she's the _only_ _one_ that fully understands Clarke. Understands the burden on her shoulders, the responsibility of lives that are not her own, the harsh reality of death; she empathizes because she shares it too. She can _feel_ how sorry Clarke is. She knows she needed time to get out of her head, to process; she doesn't owe Lexa an apology, in her mind she's already forgiven. (She still appreciates the sentiment.)

 

 

And when Clarke asks her to shut her eyes, Lexa focuses on slowing her breathing. She’s brought back to the moment on the beach when she watched the three blue’s meet. She waits for Clarke's command to open them, wondering what could possibly have spiked Clarke's nerves again.

 

 

Lexa is told to open her eyes. The air is sucked from her lungs in her surprise or the images beauty, she can't be sure. Clarke's hand tightens in her own as Lexa's eyes greedily try to take in each image at once. Tears fall again at the shear magnitude of what her eyes feast on.

 

 

Nothing but flickering flames and rapid breathing is heard in the hall.

 

 

“…When did you?” Lexa finally rasps out, shock and awe evident in her voice.

 

 

“I’ve been down here the last two days.”

 

 

Again, silence engulfs and Lexa’s sobs lessen, but the tears remain. She’s touched, she’s _moved_.

 

 

Literally.

 

 

To tears.

 

 

She has an urge to move closer but refrains; to move closer means to not see it all at once, a crime she’s not willing to commit.

 

 

_Not yet._

Clarke’s mural, _her fucking masterpiece_ , is like Alex’s but not. It is all her own. Her technique is different. Her style is more expressive. Her passion is different.

 

Her _hope_ is different.

 

Alex painted in mourning, through bereavement of her lost love. Clarke painted in liberation, it was purification and an emboldened statement. Catharsis with both her joy and pain coming out clear on the wall. It was evident in every stroke, in every line and in every curve.

 

 

Lexa saw and felt every single emotion.

 

 

Clarke’s mural is a collage; it’s not a timeline. It is layered and intricate. Interwoven. A depiction from dark to light. It has a beginning but no end.

 

 

There’s the view of Earth from space mirrored with two riders (Lexa and Anya) viewed from the back and watching a star fall. Clarke’s even put their constellations in the sky. At first, your eyes are drawn to the darkness of the images. The one after the falling star, unmistakable, is Clarke and Lexa rising from ash and fire after the bombing of TonDC. There’s a funeral pyre alit with angry red flames. There is the shadow of the mountain looming in the background.

 

 

Then there are words, written in a soft white. They look like whispers. _‘Not you.’ ‘Not yet.’_

They give birth to the light. They bring your eyes from the darkness to softer, warmer images. Soothing ones.

 

 

There’s a parallel to Claire taking the blood; it’s Clarke and Lexa shrouded in a soft glow; black wisps, red tendrils and white tresses intermingle and intertwine within and around them. There is an outline of their heads, their first kiss. There are Lexa’s green eyes staring back at her. There’s a lion, proudly roaring while wearing a crown. There is a short warrior watching a sunset; her long black braids flowing in the wind with a raven perched on her shoulder. There’s a regal looking Lexa seated on her throne; she's bathed in white light, the natblida’s around her and Clarke standing to her right holding Kai on her hip. There’s a sunrise view of Polis from the nightgrove.

 

 

And yes, there are flames throughout it, acting like a fuse and bringing the images together. But these flames are visibly different. They’re not angry and blood red; they are warm yellow, orange and soft rouge. They appear loving. Welcomed.

 

 

It is poetry in paint.

 

 

And it leaves Lexa speechless for quite sometime.

 

 

To her credit, Clarke remains stoic, silent and focused not on the wall, but on Lexa. She watches her intently soak in her work. Lexa can feel her eyes, she can feel her nerves but she cannot speak. She can’t find the words.

 

 

Hours could have past. It could be nightfall again for all she knows by the time Lexa finally feels she can speak.

 

 

"Clarke... It's beautiful," Lexa whispers as if she’s afraid her voice will cause the paint to move. Like she'll cause it damage. Like what she sees is precious. (And to her, it is.)

 

 

"It's- …I left space. It's not finished yet..." Clarke stammers a bit choked up herself. She moves to brush the tears from Lexa’s cheek.

 

 

Finally Lexa tears her eyes off the wall to view her heart, her Clarke. She locks on to blue eyes glowing in the firelight, shining with passion. Lexa reaches up and runs her thumb across Clarke’s cheekbone, "Neither are we."

 

 

Clarke chokes out a short emotional laugh, " _Sha_. We will see it finished one day."

 

 

 _We will paint what peace looks like,_  Lexa doesn't need to hear it to know what she's thinking.

 

 

Lexa brings her hand to behind Clarke’s neck and brings her forward so their foreheads touch, Clarke's hand on her hip, her other still entwined with Lexa's. "Promise?" she whispers.

 

 

_She prays._

 

 

"Either that or I'll die trying," Clarke vows passionately, her eyes flicking down to Lexa's lips.

 

 

Lexa’s brow raises subtly, "Reconsider." 

 

 

“I like it when you try to be funny.”

 

 

_“Shof op en kissem ai, Clarke.”_

 

 

_Shut up and kiss me, Clarke._

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, moving on to something more gay next chapter...
> 
> (It's all just so gay.)


	54. The Ground Provides

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I see your gay and I raise you fluffy gay.

 

 

The next few days fly by.

 

Clarke remains in TonDC, finally contributing to the wedding preparations and doing her part to alleviate any additional stress on Lexa or the village. She welcomes the guests arriving and makes sure they are provided for. She breaks up arguments and small scuffles between some of the various clan members that have arrived.

 

She makes sure that those who will be challenging their union are also provided for but remain outside the village under watch. She knows some who challenge won’t show their face until the ceremony begins. There are few that can resist the chance to outwardly challenge and possibly gain the power of two heda's. They're expecting rebel clans to put forth challengers but they'd be surprised if any clans part of the current coalition challenge it. 

 

And despite all that, despite all the things that could go wrong, Clarke is feeling happy.

  

Clarke Griffin is fucking excited. She wasn’t lying; she was being perfectly honest with Lexa when she told her she would _never_ regret pledging herself to her. That she was looking forward to standing in front of everyone and making it so.

 

She doesn’t feel the infamous cold feet; she doesn’t worry about the challengers, the blood, the death, or the war around them.

 

Her only worry right now, her only concern, is making her _houmon_ happy.

 

Making her Lexa smile. Making her feel as loved as she is. 

 

 _‘Happy wife, happy life’_ her father always said.

 

Jake Griffin is the only thing Clarke feels is missing. The only thing she wishes she could do differently. She wears his watch in the days leading up to the wedding and thinks of him often. She wishes he could meet Lexa. She wishes he knew she found her soul mate on the ground; that love, like he always professed, would see her through.

 

She wishes he knew she was happy. Loved. Protected. That she had a future far beyond the limits of space.

 

That she was living and not just surviving.

 

_That she could do both._

 

Instead of feeling sad about what she cannot change Clarke forges on and lets herself feel happy and excited. She believes he’s with her, she can almost _feel_ the remnants of his love in her heart. That will have to be enough; he’ll be with her on her union day, if not in presence, in her heart and memories.

 

She sleeps easy as the nights pass leading up to the big day. Her final ‘single’ life nights are spent cuddled up to Octavia while they wait for their other halves to arrive.

 

She rushes to make sure her gifts for Lexa are in order, she communicates via radio with Raven almost hourly. She makes sure that the village of TonDC and the surrounding area is well scouted, well protected. She makes rounds herself bringing along the twins and Octavia when she does so. She is razzed and teased about her wedding night; she welcomes it, laughing freely with her friends and confidants.

 

Her laugh grows tighter when Luna arrives two nights before the big day. She feels guilt as the woman instantly reminds her of Costia and her fate. Reminds her of a love Lexa cherished and lost. A foolish part of her expects Luna to be slightly edgy with her because of it.

 

It’s a really foolish part.

 

Clarke is a fucking idiot sometimes.

 

Luna’s smile is wide, proud and undeniably excited. She is happy for Lexa and for Clarke. She is _thankful_ for Clarke for falling from the sky and thawing Lexa’s heart again. (She says as much.) She welcomes her to the family with a gracious heart and warm hugs that last too long. Luna is just thrilled that Clarke seems back to herself again, she was incredibly concerned since Clarke showed up on her beach near death.

 

Luna’s second order of business after abating Clarke’s concerns, is to immediately pull Clarke into the hut and present her gift for the couple privately. To Clarke’s slight mortification at this particular moment Octavia is not bound by ‘privacy’; no, she’s present with a shit-eating grin plastered on her face as Luna explains the gift is twofold: there’s the activities it will lead to but also the surprise for Lexa. Octavia amends that it will be threefold because Clarke will get to see Lexa swoon for once. (She’s not wrong.) Clarke blushes profusely.

 

The teasing gets worse after that.

 

* * *

 

 

The day before the ceremony Lexa arrives along with a large party from Polis. Along with the many horses and carts bringing people and goods in tow, Raven has brought the Rover. Kai and the other natblida’s hop out and the people that hitched a ride on top get off. The caravan is quite the sight and draws many eyes and whispers from the crowd. (Raven’s loud music blaring from the cab may have played a part in that.)

 

The sight of Lexa in her black long coat, shoulder guard and red sash has Clarke, once again, swooning. Wanheda is purring. Clarke’s not sure which one of them is drooling.

 

She’s lost in Lexa’s sun-kissed brown hair glistening in the mid-day sun. The soft smile and vibrant eyes draw her in as Lexa marches around giving orders. She sees the commanding _Heda_ housing the soft, squishy gay she loves so dearly. Clarke finds herself reminiscing on memories surrounding the woman.

 

The first, a memory of a memory…

 

_"I'd die a thousand deaths for you."_

_It was nothing more than a whisper but Clarke had not imagined it. It burned deep inside her, the passion she felt for Lexa stirring in her belly, but the words only fuelled her fears for Lexa. Clarke swallowed the urge to assuage her and Lexa's pain by pulling her close in a hug. Instead, she looked up into Lexa's green eyes, "You can't die for me Lexa," she said quietly matching Lexa's whisper, "I won't let you… I- I think I'm falling in love with you." Clarke swallowed as the words spilled out and she admitted the real truth, "I am in love with you."_

 

 Clarke vividly remembers what she felt like in that moment. It felt like an invisible weight, one that had been sitting on her since the mountain, began to lift and fade. 

 

Or maybe it was just easier to bear with Lexa.

 

_Clarke felt Lexa adjust herself off the bed, she remained quiet as she moved to stand in front of Clarke before kneeling before her. Lexa looked up into Clarke's eyes, Clarke looked deep and within the green she saw love reflecting back at her._

 

 _"I swear fealty to you, Clarke kom SkaiKru, I vow to treat your needs as my own and your people as my people."_ _Lexa never removed her eyes from Clarke's blue ones as she stood. She swallowed and stepped closer to Clarke, pulling her to her feet. Clarke swallowed and took a deep breath unsure of what was coming._

 

_"I love you too."_

 

A tear escapes Clarke’s eye even as Kai jumps into her arms (it’s just instinct for Clarke’s body to respond.) Clarke can’t take her eyes off of Lexa. She can’t bring her head from the glorious memories invading her consciousness right now.

 

Then, it becomes a memory of the moment, the one deciding factor, the fate, that brought them to here and now…

 

_Clarke reached her hand up and tucked it in behind Lexa’s neck pulling her head down until her their lips were an inch a part. The softest graze of noses. Clarke leaned her forehead into Lexa’s and breathed in deep. She let Lexa’s scent swarm her insides and soak into her heart._

 

_Clarke kissed her so softly she was amazed when she felt burning at the contact on her lips. Then she dropped to a knee, her hands slipping into Lexa’s and holding them firm. She looked up into the eyes of her Queen, she let the moment sink in on Lexa and felt her heart soar._

_“Clarke,” Lexa started to speak._

_Clarke silenced her with a look. She took a deep shaky breath that had nothing to do with nerves and everything to do with the love she put into her next words, “Lexa Kom Trikru, your needs are my own. My heart - my soul - my being - is yours. Ai sware em.” I swear it._

_Clarke heard Lexa intake sharply before she dropped to a knee as well and reached with both hands to cup Clarke’s cheeks. She rubbed her thumbs on her cheekbones and smiled through happy tears looking deep into Clarke’s eyes. She pressed her forehead to Clarke’s before pressing their lips together. The kiss scorched their lips leaving their mark forever._

 

Clarke comes back out of her memory and her free hand touches her bottom lip, she can still taste that kiss…

 

And then she had a thought that has her stunned.

 

 _…Lexa is so gay, yet_ I _am the one that proposed…I did not see that coming._

 

Clarke stares at Lexa before looking down at the girl on her hip patiently waiting for her attention. Kai raises her brows slightly in question.

 

Clarke smiles, softly shaking her head with a laugh as she rolls her eyes, “Love is weird kid. _Powerful._ But weird.”

 

* * *

 

Shortly after that, the large group from Arkadia arrives. They leave minimal amounts behind, mostly guards and warriors. The remaining hundred delinquents come. The family she found on the ground are more than happy to celebrate with her, they are _happy_ for her. They make her feel like she _deserves_ it. Her mother immediately cries when she greets her, Kane is forced to remove her with whispers of ‘Wanheda can’t be hugging so much in public’; Clarke scoffs and pulls her mother closer.

 

Abby’s gift for Clarke is welcomed. _So fucking welcomed._

 

“Jesus! Fuck! MOM! You are the best, you are a godsend!” Clarke exclaims and rushing her in her tent to pull her into a crushing hug. “A razorblade! I don’t need to use my assassins blade, there is a god and she is a woman!”

 

Abby laughs, “I’ve had the smiths at the Ark begin making them. They’ll be taking the skill to Polis and the markets.” She pulls out of Clarke’s hug and winks at her daughter, “I got Lexa one too.”

 

Images that should _not_ be in her head in the presence of her mother swarm Clarke and she’s forced to shake them loose. _Not today Satan!!!!_ Her mom laughs again and sits down at her small table. Clarke joins her, hopping up to sit on the edge of the table.

 

"Now, before we get any further there's something I need to talk to you about," Abby says.

 

clarke quirks a brow, "if this is the sex talk, you missed the boat - long ago."

 

"not that talk," Abby says bristling over the topic. "I wanted to talk to you about Lexa."

 

"mom-"

 

"nope. Not your mother right now, consider me Lexa's and I am telling you right now Clarke Griffin that if you hurt her, if you break that girls heart - you and I are going to have issues. Big ones. And I'll have your fiends behind me so don't get any ideas."

 

clarke tilts her head. She's more amused than anything. She realizes that it's not just words, it's not just an act or playing the part; Abby means what she is saying, Lexa is her daughter and she will protect her - even from Clarke.

 

"Listen, Jus drein jus daun, if I do anything like that you better come after me. I'll deserve it."

 

abby rolls her eyes but softens with a smile. Clarke thinks she heard what she needed to.

 

"Are you my mom again now?" Clarke asks playfully. 

 

Her mom nods with a chuckle, “Angry Abby is gone. Are you nervous for tomorrow?”

 

Clarke raises her brow in thought and stares at her boots for a moment. She smiles and shakes her head, “Not at all.” She looks at her mom, “Were you nervous when you married dad?”

 

Abby smiles and squeezes her knee, “Not at all.” She reaches up to place her hand on Clarke’s forearm, “He’ll be here, he’ll be watching hon.”

 

“He would have liked her.”

 

“He would have _loved_ her Clarke,” Abby corrects softly. “Lexa is very much like your father. She’s protective and pure. She looks at you like you’re the sun; you look at her like you used to look at the ground.”

 

Clarke swallows the lump in her throat and nods. “The ground used to be my dream. I used to draw it in my cell.”

 

“What’s your dream now?”

 

“Just her.”

 

Abby stands to move in front of Clarke. She pulls her daughter close and Clarke sinks into her neck wrapping her arms around her back. “This is all we ever wanted for you Clarke. I’m glad the ground provided this for you.”

 

Clarke leans back to look up at her mother. She strokes her tears away, “We lost a lot of people along the way, we’ve paid the ultimate price time and time again and that is where the similarities end. The ground is the future, it is home and space is thousands of miles away.”

 

Abby nods slowly and Clarke smiles softly, “The ground provides. It provided for all of us mom. It saved us. You found Kane, the man he was meant to be, on the ground. Octavia and Raven found each other. Bellamy found Echo. The first Skai and Tri child is due any day now, we helped broker new life. Siblings! Can you imagine, skaikru siblings with no one having to hide in the floor!" Abby smiles at Clarke's excitement.

 

"We came _home_. We aren’t entitled to these things; these gifts, we have to earn them. We pay for them in ‘ _jus drein jus daun’_ and we have to be okay with that.” Clarke looks at her seriously, Wanheda mask slipping into place on instinct, _“I am_ okay with that _.”_

 

For now, she has to be.

 

For now, it is reality.

 

 

* * *

 

 

That night, the beginning of the celebrations kicks off. There are roaring fires and the centre of the village is bright with torchlight. Drinks and food are plenty and fulfilling. There are drinking games and merriment as the various clan members come together. Laughter could be heard for miles.

 

Clarke and Lexa sneak their moments together here and there. They’re never far apart and no one expects them to be.

 

After a brief and thorough meeting with the high-ranking officials and guards Clarke finds she puts Lexa at ease when the precautions that Clarke put in place are divulged. Lexa is proud and lets her feel it. (Clarke struggles to keep it in her pants the entire meeting and she lets Lexa feel _that_.)

 

Clarke's incredibly proud of them both to be honest.

 

They've both been able to lower their defenses around each other and their friends. Though their minds are still sharp and ready to lead should anything arise they are visibly relaxed. Happy. Excited. They refuse to have their union tainted any longer by fear and worry. They will meet whatever comes head on, _together._

 

Clarke sips at her drink off to the side while she talks to Luna. She’s grateful Lexa had the foresight to leave Titus behind in Polis, she’s not foolish enough to believe he actually condones their union. Her thoughts are echoed as she watches Lexa and Bellamy interact with the Natblida’s. She smiles when Kai mimics Raven and punches Bell in the arm. She watches the twins be brought into the discussion and laughter. She sees Zora demonstrating a move her sister taught her.

 

Clarke sees real smiles evident on every face.

 

It’s not long before things escalate from there and the twins each have a child on their shoulders along with Bellamy and Lexa with one of their own. The chicken fights commence and Clarke rolls her eyes. Octavia calls ‘next’, and Raven keeps score.

 

It all warms Clarke’s heart and it takes about thirty seconds for Luna to disappear from her side to join in.

 

It takes Clarke thirty-five.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

  
The fights continue and draw a larger crowd. There are multiple teams and fighting rings developing. It is becoming an impromptu tournament of sorts. The heavy drinking is both reward and punishment for losing. (no one seems too bothered by it.)

 

Clarke and Lexa defeated everyone they went up against. Both took turns being the legs at different times. The enjoyment, the fun, the alcohol, the look Lexa gave her when she set her down off her shoulders... It makes Clarke want bad things; things they've been holding off on doing until the big night. She has to take a break after the most recent fight. (And Lexa's a liar if she says she didn't need it too.)

 

Lexa stands proudly, drink in hand while watching Bellamy and Echo have their butts handed to them by the duo of Aden and Zora. She's working very hard to keep her eyes off of Clarke who's currently got Octavia in a playful headlock.

 

She is happy. They both are.

 

“Kai,” Lexa murmurs holding out her hand to the girl as they watch the current chicken fight.

 

 _“Noumon?”_ Kai asks taking her hand with a smile.

 

“Walk with me, I have a something to ask of you.” Lexa pulls Kai along gently to their hut. She ushers the young girl in and picks her up and sits her on the edge of the table.

 

Kai looks at her very seriously and Lexa can only smile at her with love. She kisses her forehead, and her smile widens when Kai giggles.

 

“As you know, Clarke and I think of you as our own, our _yongon.”_

 

The girl beams with pride, _“Sha,_ I have not one but two _noumons!”_

 

 _“Sha,”_ Lexa chuckles softly and tenderly strokes her hair behind her ears. “I wanted to ask you to be part of the ceremony tomorrow. It would be special to your mother and I; our union is unique so your task will be unique.”

 

Kai nods enthusiastically, "sha Beja! I'll do anything! I want to be a part of it too!"

 

Lexa can feel the excitement and pride radiating off of Kai; it reflects her own. Her ice blue eyes are shimmering before her. Lexa cups her cheek and winks before turning to the trunk she had brought. She pulls an item out and Kai gasps. Her tiny hands reach out and Lexa extends her arms to let the girl reverently touch the item.

 

“You trust me with this?” Awe is evident in her young voice.

 

“Sha, Kai, you and you alone.”

 

Once Lexa has put the item away again for safekeeping she and Kai are discussing the proceedings animatedly. Kai is as excited as Lexa and they’re both chippering away when Abby asks for entrance.

 

“There you two are, Kai, Clarke was looking for you.”

 

"Uh oh, best not keep Wanheda waiting," Kai drawls dryly having to dodge Lexa's playful swat at her butt as she hops away from the table.

 

"Ravens sarcasm is sinking in a little deep I see," Abby laughs scooping the girl up in a swift hug. She nuzzles her nose into her cheek.

 

Lexa chuckles softly, "I'd rather her pick that up compared to the alternative," Abby raises her eyebrows while lowering Kai, "'making things go boom'" Lexa clarifies.

 

"There's still time," Kai screams leaving the tent with a wink of her own.

 

Abby and Lexa laugh loudly. Until worried looks cross both their faces as they consider her words. They burst out laughing again.

 

Lexa offers Abby some wine and they chat about the clans that arrived. Abby's concerned about everyone's safety, she's concerned that their wedding won't go as planned. Lexa does her best to ease her mind; they've thought of everything, they didn't announce the location of the ceremony until this week to prevent any ambushes or attacks, they have brought warriors from each clan currently in the coalition. Lexa and Clarke both have scouts setting a solid perimeter. She assures her they are as safe as they would be in polis at least for the next few nights.

 

"So, how are you doing?" Abby asks sipping her second cup of wine. "Nervous?"

 

Lexa smiles, "Heda doesn't get nervous."

 

"Does Lexa?"

 

"Not about this. Not about Clarke."

 

Abby smiles and places her hand on Lexa's. "Clarke too."

 

_Well._

 

If that isn't something Lexa didn't know she needed to hear.

 

A lopsided grin forms on the side of her face and a warm fuzzy feeling stirs in her belly that has nothing to do with the wine.

 

Abby straightens up and squares her shoulders, "okay, I know we've hashed out 'the talk' before so I'll just cliff notes that part to save us some time," Abby waves her hand lazily, "not that I'm really worried about it - you two have proved more than enough to me -"

 

"Abby-" Lexa cuts her off, "you're rambling." _So this is where Clarke gets that from_ , Lexa thinks with a smirk.

 

"Right. Sorry." Abby laughs, getting back on track, "you hurt her, you betray her, and I'm coming for you. You may have an army Lexa but I've got Clarke's friends and you won't last through all of us."

 

Lexa's eyes widen as Abby's voice got dark and dangerous. Way darker than the first time she gave Lexa 'the talk'... She'll chalk that up to the wine.

 

Lexa swallows, "if I do anything to hurt Clarke I'll gladly hand myself over and hope you'd show no mercy. _Jus drein jus daun_."

 

To her surprise again, Abby laughs.

 

Lexa looks at her quizzically at the outburst, Abby waves her hand, "Clarke mentioned that earlier too."

 

When Lexa looks even more confused Abby explains, "I gave her the same talk."

 

Lexa chokes on her drink and fails at hiding her surprise. Her hand slowly lowers the cup, "Abby... That's- thank you." The sincerity is thick and doesn't go unnoticed.

 

Abby smiles and stands up pulling Lexa up to and bringing her into a big hug. "Don't look so shocked, you're my daughter too kiddo. I just want the best for both of you, you two deserve it."

 

Lexa's crying now.

 

She blames that on the alcohol too.

 

(Liar.)

 

Abby pulls back from the hug and dries Lexa's tears, "I've got something for you." She reaches down into her pocket, "I know I gave you jake's ring for Clarke but I didn't want you not having something personal, something connected to _us_ as well."

 

Abby holds her hand out and when Lexa puts her own out Abby turns hers above Lexa's so her palm is down. She touches their hands, "Clarke's father would have loved you Lexa. You and Clarke are a lot alike because your both so much like jake. He'd be really proud of the women you two are and the connection you share."

 

She smiles at the thought of her deceased husband, "Jake gave me this when Clarke was born and it's connected to all three of us," Abby chuckles softly, "the lovesick fool, he traded his flu shot ration that year for it.  _God,_ he got so sick that year."

 

Abby opens her hand and drops the item in Lexa's hand and then squeezes it between both her own. "It's Clarke's birthstone."

 

Lexa opens her hand and her mouth drops. It's gorgeous. Sapphire blue, not unlike Clarke's eyes. Remarkably similar actually. Lexa's finger gingerly traces the gem.

 

" I had the gemstone removed from the necklace and placed in a bead for your braid-"

 

Lexa interrupts her by grabbing her into a fierce hug. Lexa is overwhelmed, touched, Abby's gift hits her on so many levels. It shows how much she accepts, not only Lexa but her culture. The fact that it's a gift from Clarke's father, given to her mother to celebrate the birth of their daughter, and now being given to the woman who's vowed to love and cherish that daughter until her last breath hits her right in the feels. Her vulnerability, her intense emotional reaction does not make her blush or cause her to try to conceal what she's feeling.

 

No, what makes Lexa blush throughout this whole situation is Abby's gift of the razor blade.

 

(She's really grateful for that too.)

 

  
Lexa leaves the hut arm in arm with Abby handing the, now very intoxicated, woman off to Kane.

 

Lexa ushers off greeting and nodding at those still sober enough to be standing. The party is still going on but it is quieter than it was. Lexa wanders through the sparse crowd sending any of the natblida she finds off to their tents for bed. She checks in on them and is not surprised to find that Aden, zora and Kai are not in bed yet either.

 

She doesn't have to look far for Aden and zora. They're seated round the fire with Bellamy, echo, Ryder and the twins sharing stories amicably. She leaves them be, they're old enough now to judge themselves ready for bed.

 

She finds Kai, Clarke, Raven and Octavia not too far from the main groups. They're all lying back under an opening in the canopy of tree cover looking at the stars.

 

Clarke looks positively radiant in the soft glow of the firelight and moonlight. When she sits up on her elbows when Lexa approaches she steals her breath.

 

"Hey you."

 

"Hello Clarke."

 

Lexa gracefully gets down beside her, as her back hits the soft dirt Clarke's hand finds her own. Lexa rolls her head to find blue eyes staring back at her.

 

"Hey," Clarke repeats and this time it's husky.

 

Lexa swallows and can do nothing about the lust she feels herself push to Clarke.

 

"You need to stop that."

 

"Stop what?" Lexa feigns innocence.

 

Clarke scowls, "oh I think you know exactly what." To emphasize Clarke pushes the lust right back, Lexa's eyes darken in response. She almost growls right then. Clarke starts to laugh and leans in to kiss Lexa. Their bodies turn like magnets and before it can get out of hand Octavia clears her throat. And then a second time when she gets no response.

 

Raven is less subtle and pokes them with a stick.

 

Clarke pulls back laughing at Lexa's feral scowl directed at Raven. The blonde disentangles them leaving Lexa wondering when exactly she had begun to mount her.

 

Getting up and dusting herself off, Clarke shrugs when she catches Lexa's longing gaze filled with need and want, "not my fault we have to spend tonight apart - that's a tradition of your own culture."

 

"And to keep you from getting any ideas Kai is coming with us," Octavia says extending her hand to Kai. The young girl takes it hopping up before quickly jumping up to piggy back Octavia.

 

Lexa stands up shoving Raven for her teasing mutter of "the thirst is real."

 

She closes the distance to Clarke and grabs her hand, entwining their fingers. Her other hand tucks hair behind Clarke's ear before cupping her cheek, " _reshop niron_." She leans in and kisses Clarke. It's slow and tender. The lust is swallowed and is replaced with nothing but unconditional love. Their lips mold to each other's, they dance and spark fire.

 

The flames in the area shoot higher. Lexa and Clarke glow in Lexa's energy. Their friends don't interrupt, they stand in awe of such love, of such an act. So simple an act yet filled with such complicated emotions.

 

And when Clarke finally leaves to their tent Lexa is left staring at her retreating form, the taste of her lingering on her lips.

 

Raven swings her arm into Lexa's and ushers her to her and Octavia's tent. "Come on commander eye blaster, watching her walk away is not going to help that fire you feel down south."

 

Lexa groans, eyes still trying to follow the blonde, fighting her body to keep walking with Raven.

 

"Sometimes I really hate tradition."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to ashley for talking me through my madness and helping me figure the gay out.
> 
> On an equally serious note:
> 
> Fuck you Jason. These gay assholes are gettin' hitched because I said so


	55. The Hunt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So. not sure how I feel about this. But I had to get us to the ceremony some how. (Sorrynotsorry)
> 
> Anyways, let the gay continue:

 

 

Clarke doesn’t remember the last time she slept so soundly without Lexa beside her. Although she can feel that she is wedged between two bodies on the bed, she hesitates at opening her eyes. It’s like her mind doesn’t believe what her body is telling her. Like there’s no way her life is actually going somewhat like she wanted it to. In what universe would Clarke be so lucky?

 

_What if it was all a dream? What if I open my eyes and I’m right back in the skybox… What if Lexa never existed and she’s just what my cracked solitary confined mind came up with her… oh God, what if I’ve lost it._

There’s a voice in Clarke’s head that laughs. LAUGHS. At. Her.

 

Maybe it’s her laughing; it sounds like her laughter…

 

_The ground provides._

 

She guesses she would have to have a pretty active imagination to come up with the perfection that is Lexa. And quite honestly, if her crazy mind _did_ come up with Lexa she is certain she doesn’t want to be sane.

 

The laughing picks up.

 

“Clarke stop laughing, you psycho,” Octavia grumbles. “Honestly, who fucking wakes up laughing?”

 

Clarke’s eyes snap open into the dimly lit hut. Her laughter stops for a hot second as the realization sinks in that she _really_ _was_ laughing at herself. She bursts out in giggles again, feeling oddly giddy, knowing that this is in fact, reality.

  

“Don’t look at me like that,” she says. “I’m getting married today, I have every right to wake up laughing,” Clarke hums as Octavia buries her head under her pillow in response. “Maybe, you should have taken it easy on the firewater my tiny warrior friend; sour and hung-over is not your best look.”

 

“I warned her,” Kai now lowly murmurs, rolling over on Clarke’s other side and laying her head on her shoulder. She curls into the blonde who instinctively puts her arm around her and draws her closer. Clarke smiles into Kai’s hair before planting a kiss on her head.

 

“Smartass,” Octavia groans grabbing her pillow off her face and swatting Kai with it. Clarke gets caught in the crossfire, attempting to block the pillow and protect her own face. “Ugh, too much movement… I think I’m go-“ Octavia pauses and her eyes widen, “Shit. Outta the way!”

 

 Clarke and Kai laugh but make it a challenge for Octavia to skip out of the bed.

  

“I swear to the spirits Griffin, I’ll not feel one bit bad about throwing up on you!” Once she’s free of their attempts she bolts out of the hut and their laughter roars louder as they here her promptly throw up.

 

“If there was ever a time to use ‘I told you so’ now is it,” Clarke coaches the girl in her arms. Kai brightens up and nods excitedly as she pulls the covers off and skips off after Octavia.

 

Clarke smiles and rests her head back against the pillow. She stretches and pulls the furs up to her chin just trying to soak in this moment. Bask in this feeling.

  

_Yes, she likes this reality._

 

Tonight, she says goodbye to the single life once and for all (it was gone long ago). Tonight, she and Lexa complete Claire and Alex’s journey. Tonight, Clarke can use the term _houmon_ , more freely than she ever did before.

  

Tonight, it will be official. Public. Heda and Wanheda bonded for life. Clarke and Lexa bonded beyond even that.

  

They had their chance to keep their pledges private, to try and keep them safer; and yet, though the danger is very real in doing such, she is extremely glad they didn’t.

 

Keeping it private and a secret did not work out for Costia; they left their guards down thinking they were safe, that people didn’t know and it cost them dearly. But making it public still did not mean Clarke or Lexa are any safer, any less susceptible to attack – if anything, it makes them _more_ of a target – it simply means that they are conscious to the fact that they targets. That they are aware that their relationship is well known, that they won’t lower their guards the same way because they are expecting to need them.

  

It’s happened before.

 

It should cause them pause. It should make them rethink their union. The wise decision, the logical decision, would be to not love each other at all.

  

But love cannot be controlled or dictated to. It cannot be controlled by the mind and logic, it’s too powerful; love is like lightning, unpredictable and irrefutable. Love is bigger than they are. Wanheda and Heda, be damned - they cannot command it, no one can. They either surrender to love, submit to its mercy, or not.

  

Lexa is _Heda_ and no commander has ever had a union before, she will be the first. Not the first commander to ever surrender to love - to accept love’s embrace - but the first to make it binding. The first to believe in the promises love held. _Official_. (Which is only fitting in Clarke’s eyes, because Lexa is the first commander to do a lot of things first.) When Clarke originally pledged her life to her she did it out of instinct; there was a driving need, an overwhelming sense to act; her head and heart driving her to action. They drove her mouth and body as if she had been planning to do it all along - it was just that – instinctual, inevitable. _Irrefutable_. She did it out of desire to let Lexa know she was hers, all of her. Mind. Body. Soul.

 

She did not know, or expect, that Lexa would pledge the same; on top of fealty, Lexa swore herself to Clarke, pretty much immediately after the blonde. Clarke did not know at the time, the seriousness, the intensity of what she had done until it was over.

 

And when she _had_ learned what she had done; when Lexa told Clarke she didn’t want to keep them hidden, keep their vows and union a secret; that she _wanted_ Clarke that way no matter the consequences, and that she wanted her people to see them promise their lives to each other publicly; when Lexa’s own burning desire and need and instinct was to take Clarke as her wife -- Well, Clarke never once felt like she regretted it.

 

And she never will.

 

 Despite herself and her intense mental musings, Clarke’s smile droops and her eyes open again. She stares at the ceiling of the hut for a few moments fighting dark thoughts threatening to rain on her parade. _Heda’s_ don’t have a very long life expectancy. Lexa is already well past the old ‘expiration date’ of previous commanders. Clarke clenched her jaw as the nerves took her for a moment. She has a brief flicker, not of doubt, but of concern.

 

_…Is Clarke going to marry Lexa only to become a widow soon?_

_…Is Lexa going to marry Clarke only to become a widow soon?_

 

Clarke clenches her eyes shut again and shakes her head. _No_. She refuses to let that happen. She will certainly not sit by and let that happen. _That_ is for damn sure. Lexa told her she’d die a thousand deaths for her. She can’t let that happen, because all it would take is one.

 

One death and Clarke’s heart would stop. It’d freeze in her chest and kill her from the inside out. One death and Lexa would be taken from her… it’s a death that would plunge her into a darkness she’s certain she’d never come back from. Not without _her._

 

_Have her, have the light._

 

Clarke growls and throws the covers off of her self. _You stop this shit right now Clarke Griffin. We don’t live in the ‘what ifs’ and ‘what could’s’, doing so will only cause you unnecessary pain._ She ignores the voice that says _if that day ever comes, we’ll figure something out. We always do._ She swallows that thought, doesn’t need to hear it. Not today.

 

Clarke quickly throws a tunic and pants on before her boots and she uses the flames to leave the hut. She smiles when she lands and the flames come back inside her.

 

“Clarke, no. You’re not supposed to be in here,” Lexa says finishing buttoning her coat. She stands with her back to Clarke in the tent. Raven is groaning in the bed, complaining about the noise even though Lexa’s whispering.

 

“Tradition demands that we not see each other in private until, at least, after the hunt this morning. You’re breaking the very rules you wanted to follow.”

 

Clarke slowly walks closer, a smirk present on her lips, “These rules are more guidelines anyways. Besides, when has ‘Clarke no’ worked in the past?” She sounds much more cocky than she feels. A part of her is wondering if she’s pissing Lexa off by breaking the tradition and that’s why she hasn’t turned around yet. She bites her lip, “Also, to be fair, Raven’s here so technically this isn’t private…”

 

Clarke stops about a foot away, she reaches out but as soon as she does so Lexa finally turns. Clarke sees her eyes flash from radiant green to black as they take her in.

 

Clarke’s eyes widen and her face flushes. Her breath hitches as she tries to swallow the desert that appeared in her mouth. She inches a little closer, fingertips now grazing the fox fur on Lexa’s coat collar. Eyes stay glued to Lexa’s, mesmerized, _taken_.

 

Lexa steps closer, hands gracefully land on Clarke’s hips as she leans in and kisses her soft and slow. Clarke hears the silent ‘I love you’ in her ears. Lexa leans back out of the kiss, slowly opening her eyes and ravishing Clarke with them.

  

“So you're the one I'm supposed to marry today," she whispers heavily, a little cocky grin on her lips, tilt to her brow and shine to her eyes.

 

Lexa looks at her with such devotion, such intensity, that Clarke’s heart goes into overdrive; it roars in response to her gaze and when Lexa finally speaks it sounds like commonplace - _a fact_ \- like saying fire will burn or blades are sharp.

  

"So you're the one.”

 

* * *

 

After Clarke and Lexa separate again, Lexa leaves to make rounds in the village and Clarke heads back to her hut to properly dress.

 

The sun hasn’t fully greeted the day yet and there is plenty to do. Lexa instructs her warriors to double their efforts on the perimeter and joins in on securing it, using her energy to reach different points quicker. She has to see the precautions for herself, she has to know she’s keeping them and their guests as safe as possible.

 

When she returns to the village satisfied with what she and Clarke have put in place, it doesn’t take her long to find the two hunting parties at opposite ends of the village centre. Clarke is on top of Daedalus, her blonde hair radiant as the rising sun hits it. Even from here, Lexa can see her shining sapphire blue eyes, deep with intent and filled with love as they connect over the space between them. Lexa nods at her with a secret smile and lets Clarke feel her love and reveling when she sees Clarke let out a content sigh and a lofty grin.

 

“ _Heda_ ,” Luna says bubbly, laying a soft hand on her shoulder, “you can hunt that particular animal later.” She winks when Lexa gawks at her, face flushing, and hops up on her horse, “For now, we must head out and find what the rest of us will eat tonight.”

 

Her shocked look turns to a devilish smirk as Lexa nods as she goes to mount Icarus. Ryder hands Lexa her bow and quiver before mounting his own steed. Lexa grins as she watches her closest confidants join her. Her party includes Raven, Luna, Ziva, Ryder, Indra and a dark skinned boy named Miller.

 

…Miller?

 

Lexa stares at him a moment as Raven pulls up beside her on a small mare. “That’s Miller.”

 

“What is he doing?” Lexa asks quietly, glancing at Raven.

 

Raven bursts out laughing, “And you told me I was indulging too much!” She continues chuckling, “You don’t remember that part?”

 

Lexa shakes her head. “We left Clarke, Kai and Octavia late last night…”

 

Raven is in fits of laughter now. “You said you were ‘too thirsty’ to go to bed yet,” Raven helps her out. “You got chatting over how great it is to be gay and you invited him along!” Raven snorts.

 

_Oh._

 

That is very unlike her. She tilts her head at Miller, he flashes her a grin and she returns it awkwardly as some of their conversation comes back to her.

 

 _Oh._ _God_ , she _was_ heavy on the gay proclamations last night… She can’t help but chuckle to herself. She likes him, she remembers that much as well. His heart and pleasant outlook impressed her. The gay bonding didn’t hurt either. She smiles and nods in his direction letting him know she’s comfortable with him joining them. He beams delightedly.

 

Raven mutters about how everyone is so gay and how it’s fitting that they’re led by the gayest of them all.

 

Lexa ignores her and looks back to Clarke. The blonde sits high on her horse, proudly speaking with her party members and slinging her bow over her shoulder. She’s taking Octavia, the twins, Bellamy and Harper.

 

Lexa moves Icarus a little into the centre, catching Clarke’s eye. Clarke picks up on the cue, now doing the same. The horses meet face to face and Lexa pushes a little further so Icarus is beside Deadalus and if Lexa turns slightly to the right she is square with Clarke. She reaches across and Clarke mimics her joining their hands.

 

"Hey," Clarke softly breathes.

 

"Clarke," Lexa lingers on the 'k' with a smirk knowing _exactly_ what it does to Clarke. She watches her shift a little on her saddle and blush a little.

 

Clarke tilts her head and cocks her brow, "I know this is meant to be like a united pair thing, but it wouldn't be us without a challenge..."

 

Lexa grins, "What are you suggesting?"

 

"Care to make it interesting?" There's a playful lilt to Clarke's voice that makes Lexa have to shift on her own saddle in response.

 

"Are you challenging me Clarke?"

 

"Always."

 

Well, she's right there.

 

"What do I get if I win?" Lexa asks coyly, eyes unabashedly roving Clarke's form.

 

"You'll just have to wait and find out."

 

Lexa pulls Clarke's hand up to kiss the back of it. She purrs, eyes on Clarke the entire time, "Challenge accepted." She then lowers their hands looking up at the crowd that’s formed to bid them off.

 

“ _Kru kom kongeda,” People of the coalition, “On this special day, Wanheda and I thank you for coming. We thank you for wishing to celebrate and witness our bonding ceremony. As tradition demands, the Providing Hunt is the first order of business!”_

The crowd forming cheers loudly, causing both leaders to smile. They sit a little straighter. Chins held a little higher. Honoured.

 

Lexa switches to English to accommodate those Skaikru still to learn Trig, “Sound the horn! The Union Day Celebrations start now!”

 

There is another roar, the sound of a loud horn blast, and clapping from the crowd. Catcalls and whistles are thrown out as Clarke pulls Lexa’s hand to her mouth to kiss it chastely with a wink. She lowers it, they share a secret smile with lustful eyes before Clarke nods and lets go of her hand. Lexa watches as Clarke turns and leads her party out into the woods.

 

Lexa turns Icarus and begins to lead her own party into the forest.

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa is tying the ties on one of their kill’s hooves while the rest of her party mill around her. So far, the kill count is great, she’s sure she’ll win the wager. They have a boar, various sized rabbits, fish from the river and two deer so far.

 

And as tradition, she’s spent a little of the hunt alone with each of them.

 

Ryder and Indra both did a fantastic job of balancing their care for her and their place as her subjects. As warriors, they promised the Union Ceremony would be undisturbed by any enemies (other than the challengers). As advisors and friends, they told her they valued Clarke’s life for the happiness it brought Lexa; but they love Clarke for what she’s brought to all of them: _Hope._ Her hugging them was a huge surprise, but they returned it enthusiastically.

The conversation with Miller was surprisingly easy; they spoke like old friends, certainly not like people who didn’t actually converse for the first time until last night. Miller gave her advice his father passed on to him. She found his message endearing and incredibly meaningful. _"You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”_ They spoke of Miller’s boyfriend back at Arkadia, Lexa listened to his own dreams and hopes. He has plans to build a house, beside a lake and wide-open fields. Plans for a place where he and his boyfriend can really feel that freedom.

 

When Lexa goes off with Luna it is bittersweet; Lexa can’t help but think of Costia. She can’t help but see bits and pieces of her lost first love in her sister. Though she feels incredibly happy and incredibly blessed to have found Clarke, there is still a part of her that feels that slight twinge of regret. Maybe regret is the wrong word; maybe she means guilt. Even if it didn’t work out between her and Costia, had they been torn apart by something other than death, Lexa would have wanted her here to celebrate her union with Clarke. They talk about Costia but they talk about the good things. They talk about her laugh, her zest for life, and her kind heart. They talk about how much she and Clarke would have got along, how Costia would have given Lexa a run for her money in the pursuit of Clarke had they not been together. Luna stops her from going down any path other than happiness and joy. She keeps the dead gone, held in memory and reminding Lexa that there is a very real, very living woman, that’s _hungry_ and not just for food. (When Lexa finally blushes Luna considers her work done.) Before handing her off to Raven she leaves her with a final note, the same sort of message she gave her when she was with Costia, “Clarke’s my family now too Lexa – you break her heart and I’ll break your legs.”

 

Lexa is certain she means it. She’s not mad - she actually hugs her.

 

Raven’s conversation is a little more drawn out. It starts as she’s helping Lexa put another kill on the back of her horse.

 

“So, this is your version of a bachelorette party?” Raven says through a grunt of effort.

 

Lexa smiles and glances back at her, “ _Sha_ , it’s a tad different than the old world’s version.”

 

“It’s a tad different than the Ark’s,” Raven points out with a smirk and a pat on the carcass.

 

Lexa shrugs, “The true celebrations of a union are held during ceremony and the feast afterwards. The hunt is a special part of union day, it is not simply about letting loose; the hunt actually carries meaning. Just as Clarke and I will have to prove that we will bleed for each other and can protect each other tonight in the face of challengers, we must also prove that we can _provide_ for each other as well as those that rely on us. Our bounty from the hunt this morning will provide Clarke and I, as well as our people, our first shared meal as a bonded pair.”

 

Raven chuckles lightly, “Well, I guess it carries more meaning than a bachelorette on the ark.”

 

“What is the meaning of a bachelorette party on the Ark?” Lexa asks curiously, as if worried Clarke is missing out on something important.

 

Raven shrugs, “It’s basically just an excuse to get drunk and wild.”

 

“Oh.” Lexa says frowning in thought.

 

“If you’re worried that Clarke won’t like this version you’re wrong,” Raven points out picking up on her friend’s concern. “I am certain she is enjoying this more than she would our version.”

 

“How can you be certain?”

 

Raven laughs again at Lexa’s vulnerability (sometimes she really is an ass). “Well, for one, I know she won’t want to be drunk for the challengers… Or risk not remembering every second of today. For the second, she really likes hunting to be honest. For the third, this is a connection to you and your culture. Clarke’s all about embracing life on the ground, trust me, the farther away she is from the sky traditions the better for her.”

 

Lexa nods contemplating.

 

“I’m right so get out of your head you broody gay and let’s go find us the rest of your dinner.”

 

“Raven,” Lexa says reaching out to stop her from trudging off with her bow. Raven turns around with a smile. She brings Lexa into a hug before Lexa can make the first move.

 

“Your tells are horrible.”

 

“My tells?” Lexa asks squeezing her friend.

 

“Yeah, you get this lip tremble and your eyes go all soft and the person you’re looking at turns to mush,” Raven leans back to look at her, “it’s how you look when you think someone is going to reject you.”

 

Lexa raises her brow before she frowns and her brow furrows.

 

“Oh that one’s my favourite. That’s the ‘Confused Commander Puppy’ look.”

 

“I hate you.”

 

“You and Clarke need to work on your lying, she said the same thing to me last night.”

 

“Gee, I can’t imagine why.”

 

* * *

 

 

When the parties arrive back at the village, they are greeted with joyous roars and clapping.

 

Upon returning with their bounties they find they didn’t just provide their first meal as a bonded pair - they overachieved. The hunt’s bounty should last well past this evening, even with the extra mouths to feed. They made their people proud and Clarke and Lexa feel it.

 

Clarke dismounts beside Lexa and eyes her party’s kills. Lexa does the same, a small smirk forming on her lips. She moves closer to Clarke, gripping her hip with one hand and drawing her in. Lexa leans in and kisses Clarke’s cheek softly before sensually dragging her lips to Clarke’s ear and whispering huskily, “Looks like I win.”

 

Clarke shivers as her mind flashes with images in just how she planned on rewarding Lexa. She swallows thickly at the storm of lust conducting between them, but manages to respond in a husky whisper of her own, “You may have won commander, but we will both reap the rewards.” She purposefully lingers beside Lexa’s ear and hums just for her. It’s guttural and primal. It pools heat to both their stomachs simply on the promise in Clarke’s words.

 

It’s taking everything in them both not to mount each other right here. Right now.

 

Before Clarke and Lexa can get carried away with pupil blown eyes however, they are ushered off in separate directions once more. It frustrates the both of them but they don’t fight it. They’ll be together soon enough, for the rest of their lives in fact.

 

Clarke and her attendees head down to the river for her cleansing. They are to wash, much like she did before the pit trial, to prepare themselves for the mercy of the spirits. As part of TriKru ritual, they use the river that provides for them; as part of Skaikru ritual, Clarke just wants to be clean.

 

The river is warm this time of year; Clarke comes out refreshed and feeling purified. Today she doesn’t feel any trace of the blood on her hands. Wanheda’s mask hasn’t been in place the entire day; she knows it’ll come later when she sees who dares challenge their union. But for now, she breathes easily. She’s not feeling any fear or nerves, just pure excitement.

 

* * *

 

After, Clarke is in her hut with Octavia and her mother. They’ve been helping clean and ready her armour and blades for tonight. She’s polishing the metal details on her shoulder guard, fingertips grazing over her mark of fire that Lexa had placed in them. It brings a smile to her face and she feels her energy hum.

 

“So, Clarke, how does it feel to be the first one of us to get hitched?” Octavia asks, crossing her legs at the ankle as she brings them to be perched on the table.

 

Clarke shoves her feet off the table, “Feels natural.”

 

“Ouch.”

 

Clarke laughs, “I meant it feels natural to be getting married to Lexa, not that it feels natural to be the first of us to do it.”

 

“Relax champ, I knew what you meant.” Octavia adjusts in her seat, “Your hair dry enough yet for braiding?”

 

Clarke runs her hands through her hair shaking it out. “Finally, yep.”

 

Octavia grins and hops up from her seat, “RAVEN!”

 

“You don’t need to shout, we were outside waiting,” Raven responds entering the hut with Lexa and Luna behind her.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa smiles as their bodies immediately draw closer.

 

“Lex.”

 

“The hair guys,” Raven reminds them.

 

Clarke shakes her head and smiles running her hand back through her hair. She looks at Lexa, “How is it that you have more hair than me and yours dries quicker?”

 

Lexa hums running a hand through Clarke’s blond hair. “Having my own personal sunshine helps,” she says fondly.

 

“ _Oh God,_ ” Raven and Octavia say together. You can hear the rolling of their eyes.

 

Laughter and soft giggles erupt in the tent as Lexa pulls Clarke to sit on the floor beside the bed.

 

Lexa sits behind her and begins braiding her hair. It’s tradition for the couple to do so before they join, Lexa has had the design planned for ages. (Probably as long as she’s known Clarke, even if she doesn’t know it.)

 

The blonde has been practicing on Octavia, testing out various designs as well before settling on one. They each braid the other’s hair swiftly but with attention to detail. When they are both finished they have a chance to look in a mirror and see what the other did.

 

Clarke’s is stunning. It’s similar to how her hair looked when she met Lexa, though there are some pretty big differences. For one, her hair is longer; more sun-kissed, and more gold from being on the ground; for the second, Lexa’s design is intricate. It’s not just pulled back and pinned. It has several tiny braids pulling the top half of her hair off her face and behind her head. There they mesh and break off into a mix of large and tiny braids. There are loose strands mixed in as well but the knot that Lexa has made at the back of her head is what ties it all together – _literally_.

 

For Lexa, Clarke went a different route. She went fierce and sexy. She pulled the hair on the left side of Lexa’s head back and created a large loose braid along with three tiny ones that braided into the big one. At the back of Lexa’s head she knotted it tight at the back-top of her head so that Lexa’s hair fell loose except for the braids on her left side. When Clarke had a chance to step back and take a good look at her, the air in her lungs billowed and expanded. She felt like her chest would burst right there.

 

Thankfully it didn’t.

 

“Alright, now that’s over Octavia and I have something for you two,” Raven says.

 

“We were going to wait and give it to you with everyone else but…”

 

“We weren’t really sure how you’d react.”

 

“I think that’s my cue to pop out for a minute,” Abby says with a small shake of her head.

 

Clarke’s eyes narrow at her friends, “Why don’t I like the sound of that?”

 

Raven shrugs handing Lexa a box. “You’re either going to want to kill us or thank us.”

 

“Colour me intrigued,” Luna says excitedly coming closer.

 

Clarke doesn’t miss Raven’s small movements towards the huts door. Clarke comes closer as Lexa opens the box.

 

Clarke’s jaw hits the floor.

 

Lexa’s eyes widen.

 

Luna grins, “I need friends like you two.”

 

Raven is already gone. (Coward.) Octavia only just notices. (Too late.)

 

There’s a beat of silence and when Lexa moves her hand to reach into the box Clarke absently shakes her head, jaw still on the floor. She doesn’t know if she’s angry, or thankful, or embarrassed, or excited, or a little turned on…

 

(It’s all of the above.)

 

There is blood rushing to her ears, her cheeks and her stomach and of course, lower... Clarke can do nothing but head outside the hut and catch her breath and wrangle back her heart’s normal beat. She’s not sure if she wants to kill those two or thank them.

 

 _Oh god,_ she left Lexa in there with that thing…

 

Clarke bursts back into the hut to find Lexa in the same perplexed state, staring at the item. Clarke still can’t talk but she comes a little closer.

 

“Clarke?” Lexa looks from the item to Clarke.

 

“It’s…” Clarke hesitates, painfully aware that it's not just the two of them in the hut.

 

“It’s a strap-on,” Octavia blurts out, unable to contain herself any longer. She begins laughing hysterically now at Lexa’s perplexed face. When she catches Clarke’s glare she chokes on that laughter but steps a little closer to the blonde to whisper in her ear. “Trust me. You’re going to thank us tomorrow. I know I sure thanked-”

 

“O, _jesus_. Stop.” Clarke is slightly concerned now because Lexa still hasn’t caught on and Clarke knows she going to have to fucking explain it to her. She huffs out a sigh. “Everybody out.”

 

When she’s alone with Lexa, she tries desperately not to picture the item Lexa is holding in use. That would help absolutely not at all right now. She’s actually starting to worry if Lexa is going to be offended by the gift.

 

“You don’t like it?” Lexa asks setting the item in her lap.

 

“Do you know what it is?” Clarke asks quietly, hesitant.

 

“Of course, it’s a… strap-on.” Lexa stumbles over the word.

 

Clarke sidles a little closer and sits on the bed beside her. “And… do you know what it’s supposed to strap on to?”

 

Lexa opens her mouth and then closes it. She considers the item in her lap a few moments, this time she picks it up with both hands by the straps with furrowed brows…

 

Clarke waits...  _she'll figure it out..._

 

Sure enough, Lexa’s eyes bulge out of her head and her jaw finally joins Clarke’s on the floor.

 

Clarke nods to herself, _there it is..._

 

Lexa turns her head to look at Clarke who promptly glances away and awkwardly tries to lower Lexa’s still raised hands.

 

The air is thick in the hut, hot, and Clarke is trying desperately to regain her composure. Silence encompasses them for a few more moments before she feels Lexa’s hand tentatively land on her thigh.

 

“I’ll ask again Clarke,” her voice is low and husky now, traces of earlier innocence gone. “You don’t like it?”

 

Clarke swallows and looks at Lexa.

 

That was a mistake.

 

As soon as their eyes connect Clarke sees not green but BLACK. Solid black pupils. Evidence, written clearly for Clarke to see, that Lexa knows what it straps on to and that she _LIKES_ it.

 

“I…”

 

“We don’t have to use it,” Lexa abruptly says, closing the item in the box and standing. She walks quickly away from Clarke.

 

 _Oh float me, she's disappointed?_ Clarke works to ignore the urges in her belly that rise further in that knowledge.

 

The blonde sighs and rushes after her, she lays a hand on Lexa’s shoulder. “What if _I want_ to use it?” Lexa freezes but doesn't turn around.

 

To emphasize, Clarke pushes that desire that's steadily boiled over to Lexa. She lets her feel how bad she wants to use it… She leans in, this time her hands wrapping around Lexa’s torso and pulling her back flush to her chest; hips held firm, thumbs tracing the skin above her pant hem, she rasps in Lexa’s ear, “What if I _want_ _you_ to use it…”

 

Lexa growls and spins on her heels, ripping Clarke’s hands off of her and pushing her back towards the bed. Clarke has a moment of weakness about to let Lexa throw her onto the furs and make use of the gift right now, before she comes to her senses.

 

 _“Hod op!_ ” her hands fly out and land on Lexa's chest.

 

Lexa immediately stops, chest heaving, eyes dark but sensitive to Clarke’s non-consent. _Jesus,_ in that response too Clarke almost breaks to give in to her primal need again.

 

“Our hair,” Clarke explains. “Plus, the ceremony is going to start in an hour and trust me,” she steps closer, “we are going to need more time than that.”

 

She feels Lexa shiver at her words and her eyes flare. She’s about to lean in and kiss Clarke before she stops, apparently thinking better of it. Probably knowing they wouldn’t be able to stop once their lips met in this moment. Instead, she nods once, slowly as if to reassure herself.

 

Clarke smiles and runs her hand on Lexa’s cheek. “One hour. One hour Lex. One hour and you’re mine.”

 

Lexa grins freely with so much warmth that Clarke's knees shake and her whole body sighs. Lexa reaches up to pull Clarke's hand down from her cheek, she kisses the back of it, lingering her bottom lip on a knuckle before lowering their hands and reaching out to run her thumb over Clarke's jaw and then tracing her bottom lip.

 

“I was yours long ago Clarke.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is The Gay Wedding, I promise.
> 
> That's also the chapter title...


	56. That Gay Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay on this one - it was a tough go for me. Anyways here's 9k of super gay stuff for you all to make up for it.

 

The sun is setting and the crowd’s noise is steadily rising outside the hut. Clarke lights a few more candles to compensate for the depleting light while Lexa makes a few final adjustments to her shoulder guard before removing the long sash for the challenges. 

 

After, Clarke and Lexa dress together. They begin to mentally prepare for the obstacles awaiting them before the alter while they change. They stand at opposite ends of the hut with their backs towards each other. It was Clarke's request; she wants to take in Lexa in the outfit she'll become her wife in all at once but Lexa agreed passionately, raving about the idea, wanting to do the same.

 

Clarke's been brought the outfit she had commissioned for this special day. She is glad that due to the nature of the ceremony she won’t have to wear a dress. (She’s never liked them and her mother can attest to that.)

 

 She pulls on the tight black pants and then her boots. She pulls a white V-neck tunic with gold stitching on over top, tucking it into the waist of her pants. Over that, she puts a new set of leathers on; these ones are also black with black and gold stitching. 

 

It's form fitting, it ties up the front with long sleeves and a wonderful heart shaped opening around her neck providing just enough of a view of her good earth cleavage without risking damage to the goods. It’s the perfect mix of deadly and sexy in her mind, and  _fuck_ , does she hope upon hope that Lexa feels the same.

 

As she finishes tying the leathers, she finally lowers her hands tugging gently at the fabric on her waist. She runs her fingers along her flame mark she had stitched on her left side, right by her heart. She slowly inhales, deep, making her lungs expand as much as possible. She holds it for a beat before letting it out slowly. It comes out a little shakier then she thought it would.

 

"You're nervous now. You have not been nervous all day." Lexa's voice startles her from the other side of the hut. 

 

Clarke's lips pull into a soft smile and she relaxes minutely, "Not about what you think." She closes her eyes and takes another breath.

 

"Then if not about the challengers, what is it?" Lexa's voice is quiet, as vulnerable as Clarke feels right now.

 

Clarke swallows keeping her back to Lexa, "I …want you to like it."

 

"Like what?"

 

Clarke huffs and her finger trails along gold stitching on her arm, "How I look." 

 

She hears a heavy sigh behind her, then there's a soft chuckle, "Clarke, that's probably the most absurd thing I've ever heard you say."

 

Clarke furrows her brow and minutely turns her head, thinking that's hardly the most absurd thing she's ever said, "What? Why?"

 

"Let me turn around and I'll tell you."

 

"Count of three?"

 

"Clarke."

 

"Fine," Clarke says throwing her hands in the air. But she doesn't turn. Not right away. She takes one last breath, steadying her nerves before she does. She was worried, she wanted Lexa to drool over her, and she’s not even going to lie about that; but what she did not expect - is for that to actually happen. 

 

Lexa is standing mouth slightly parted, eye brows soft and relaxed, breath in her throat, and eyes intense but also tender. There's a slight lip tremble that makes Clarke's heart flutter and turns her to mush where she stands as she looks back at her Lexa. Her light. Her home.

 

They're frozen and Clarke is just as lost in the moment as Lexa. Mouth in an 'O' shape, breath caught in her own throat and knees undeniably trembling. She stares right back, eyes slowly soaking in each and every inch of the woman before her. There's a myriad of emotions flying between the two at once, each easily feeling both. It's all too much to focus on anything other than the goddess in front of her.

 

Lexa is absolutely striking in a skintight black long sleeve shirt and black pants. Her shirt cuts in a deep V, somehow making Lexa's neck appear longer. Her leathers are new as well, they compliment the V of her shirt but instead of all black, they have a light, almost golden tanned leather laying in a spiral starting from the shoulder and winding down and around her left arm. Clarke smiles softly when she sees the gold stitched flame mark that matches Clarke's, it's exactly where it is on her own leathers. 

 

Maybe it's not her mark. Maybe, it's their mark.

 

Lexa finally comes a few steps closer. Clarke’s body, impossible to resist the pull, moves as well. She swallows as Lexa licks her lips, eyes plastered to blue. 

 

Their bodies press close as a hand lands on her hip, Lexa's other coming to cup cheek, "Absurd Clarke. Your previous worry is absurd. You always look picturesque to me, stunningly beautiful." She kisses her other cheek, "You always make my heart flutter and my knees weak. You always steal my breath and give me oxygen at the same time.”

 

"You look hot," Clarke hears herself blurt out wanting so badly to return the compliments. Her brains not really functioning properly, all she wants to do right now is get Lexa very naked.

 

Lexa laughs, "I do feel kind of warm," she licks her lips and eyes flick down to Clarke's.

 

Clarke furrows her brow and shakes her head. "That did not come out the way I wanted it to and that is not exactly what I meant." The laugh was worth it though she fucking loves that sound. "I meant to say that you look beautiful, but um, I think my hormones sort of took off with my mouth there..." (Horniness, Clarke. It’s called horniness.)

 

"Looking 'hot' is a good thing?" Lexa tilts her head.

 

Clarke chuckles and nods, " _sha_ , it's slang for sexy I guess."

 

Lexa smiles wide, full teeth, touching her eyes just for Clarke. It takes Clarke’s breath with it, her own smile shining through at the sight, and for a moment that feels like eternity they just hold each other close too caught up in each other to move. Finally, breath returns, both eyes flicker to lips, foreheads touch and lips slowly meet. Their lips press sensually, soft and tender; both trying to dictate in act rather than words complete adoration and need into one kiss.

 

Finally, Lexa leans back, noses grazing and runs her hands over Clarke's shoulders, "So, are you ready for this?"

 

Clarke nods without hesitation. "I was ready for this before I was born."

 

Lexa smiles at that, "Thinking about Claire and Alex?"

 

"Yeah, it's all really coming full circle. It feels cosmic...  _Big_. Does that make sense?"

 

Lexa looks at her for a moment with a warm smile. "I get what you mean... Shakespeare once said 'journeys end in lovers meeting' and tonight we will finally let Claire and Alex finish theirs. They can rest after tonight, century old souls finally uniting once more under the spirits…"

 

Lexa swallows with a small smile and runs her thumb along Clarke jaw, "You brought Claire back to the ground, back to Alex, you took the blood, released the spirit’s gifts, and tonight our bonding will end their journey. But Clarke, Shakespeare is only partly right; when you fell from the sky and I fell for you  _our_  journey just began. Tonight, is the first chapter to the rest of our lives."

 

" _Lex_ ," Clarke whispers breathily, closing the distance to her lips. The kiss lasts for several moments before she pulls back.  "I am not afraid. We  _are_  going to make it to that alter."

 

It's not a question. It's a promise. Fact.

 

"We  _are_  going to make it to that alter." Lexa repeats, fully believing as well. "I fight for you Clarke. No harm will come to you."

 

"And I fight for you; No harm will come to  _us_." She corrects seriously before a small smile forms again, "Now, just to be sure, let’s get the rest of your armour on.”

 

The smirk she's given after that is priceless, it's burned into her memory.

 

Clarke is slow and methodical as she places Lexa's remaining armour and blades on her. It's sensual the way she puts the shoulder guard on. It's soft, the way she places her  _Heda_  headpiece on her. She's practiced as she puts her thigh daggers on her. She slips the assassins blades into position on Lexa, perhaps more risqué than necessary. She puts her hard bracers on Lexa’s forearms right before the gloves.

 

Each item, each blade, each piece of fabric her fingers touch they linger for a moment, silently bidding them to do their jobs. To keep her safe. She holds off on the katana so Lexa can dress her in her armour and blades without hindrance. 

 

Lexa takes as much care as Clarke did. She's just as intimate, just as sensual and sensitive. She is just as methodical and just as silent as she too bids each item do its job and keep Clarke safe. She finishes with a soft kiss to Clarke's lips while her right hand pressed against Clarke's mark over her heart.

 

When they're finished, they take a step back and smile at each other. Just taking it all in. The air isn't heavy and foreboding like you would expect while dressing for a battle, which they are technically doing. It's different this time. It's been so long since they had fought side by side, that though they know the risk is high, the reward is worth it. 

 

More than. 

 

This isn't them bringing death to a wedding - death was already here - it follows Clarke and Clarke follows Lexa; this is them introducing it to their enemies for challenging their union. This is Clarke sharing the command of death with her  _houmon_.

 

 Gladly. 

 

The air may be light but the seriousness of the situation is not; it's not lost in either of them that this could not go in their favour. Anything can happen on the ground, but the unsaid uncertainties are left unspoken, they don't need to be.

 

"Before we head out, I want to give you part of your gift now," Clarke says softly. The silent 'just in case' heard loud and clear.

 

Lexa nods knowingly, "Me as well."

 

They each go to their trunks; Lexa sets her gift on the table allowing Clarke to go first.

 

"Okay," Clarke says handing her the leather bound sketchbook Lexa had made for her with a nervous swallow. "I left them in the book to keep them safe, but I figured I could have them framed or something for you. I mean, or not, or I could if you actually like them. If not you don't have to pretend for my sake okay. It's the last three pages and I-"

 

Lexa cuts her off with a quick kiss, effectively ending the nervous ramble and smirks before eagerly opening the book to where Clarke directed. There's a sharp intake of breath and she runs her free hand over the page. It's a delicate touch, her fingers trembling, ghosting over the page. 

 

" _Costia_..." Clarke barely hears her whisper.

 

When Clarke hears the emotional croak that follows she put her hand over Lexa's, moving to her side so she too can properly see the sketch and placing her other hand on her hip keeping her close.

 

 "Luna helped me capture her portrait..." She explains softly in Lexa's ear, "it took me days and days and I can't tell you how many tries to get it right. I didn't stop until I saw the recognition on Luna's face and tears in her eyes - that's when I knew I had done her justice..."

 

"She's laughing," Lexa whispers in awe, fingertip tracing the wide smile. Her voice raw with emotion. Clarke wonders if she can still hear the woman’s laughter, she hopes she's hearing it right now.

 

" _Luna said only you could make her smile like that_ ," Clarke says in a whisper. Costia taught Lexa how to love, how to risk it all, how to lose it all, and Clarke's thankful she can finish what Costia started and  help Lexa overcome it all.

 

Lexa is silent as emotions wash over her. The only sound escaping are a few “Clarke's" whispered and then she'd fall silent a few moments more. Clarke holds her hand on the page and her other holds her hip, keeping her close. Protecting her while she's vulnerable.

 

"I never thought I would see her laugh again..." Lexa sounds mournful but also happy, like Clarke's drawing is doing its job; yes, it brings back the painful memories and feelings, but it also brings the great ones too. The important ones.

 

"Thank you, Clarke. Truly. This is,” she swallows and says softly, “...incredibly thoughtful."

 

"I'm glad I could do this for you." Clarke smiles as their hands trace the girls laughing smile together. "She was beautiful."

 

" _Sha_."

 

"There's more whenever you’re ready."

 

Lexa nods lingering on the portrait a little longer. Clarke can feel how deep this touched Lexa and she's letting Clarke feel  _all_  of it. The happiness, the bittersweet sadness... The love she has for both women, even if one is only in memory.

 

Finally, Lexa turns the page to find Alex and Claire. Clarke drew it after the first visit to the wall but she's added to it. She added a mirror image of Lexa and Clarke. And behind and interwoven around them is an infinity symbol.

 

Lexa’s hands trail Clarke’s face tenderly on the page a wistful smile as she takes it in.

 

The last page is one Clarke only finished a day ago. It's the wall. It's Alex's mural and Clarke’s collage.

 

"I figured we could take it home with us, bring a piece of our story to Polis and hang it up." Clarke explains.

 

"It's perfect." Lexa finally tears her eyes off the page and looks at Clarke with tears brimming. "Thank you Clarke,” Lexa’s voice cracks and Clarke feels her gratitude wash through her. 

 

Clarke smiles and hums in response to the warm fuzziness she feels, "Can I ask you something?"

 

"Of course."

 

"Where did you get that bead you added to your braid? I’ve never seen you wear it but I feel like I’ve seen it before.”

 

Lexa's hands close the book and one touches the sapphire blue gem in her hair. "That's because you  _have_  seen it before."

 

Clarke furrows her brow and reaches up to handle the bead when Lexa's hand lowers. She cradles the bead, looking closely, suddenly, she gasps as she figures it out, "Lexa?"

 

"Your mother gave it to me."

 

Clarke sighs happily; "I used to play with it on her neck when I was little. She loves that gemstone because it's connected to my dad and I. She loves you." She says it like Lexa needs to hear it to know.

 

Lexa nods contentedly, already knowing Clarke’s mom loves her and that She loves Abby too. 

 

"Are you ready for your gift Clarke?"

 

Clarke swallows the emotion in her throat, finally looking away from the bead and lowering her hand. "If you make me cry before we have to fight you may have to carry the load out there," Clarke playfully warns.

 

Lexa smiles, going for the wrapped gift, "I don't think you'll cry."

 

She's wrong.

 

"Lexa, it's  _incredible_." 

 

"It is as light as the one of mine I gave you, you should easily be able to wield both if you choose to."

 

Clarke looks up from the new katana in her hand. It’s handle is black, it has the same golden tanned leather that is woven around Lexa's left arm, woven around the handle. Clarke’s flame mark has been burned into either side of the pommel.The blade is polished, razor sharp and double edged, it sings when she unsheathes it. 

 

"I had it made by Skaikru and Trikru; the blade is strong but still light, it is made to withstand long periods of heat..." Lexa says with lilt to her voice and raise of her brow.

 

Clarke bites her lip to prevent the smile forming through her grateful tears. "Heard about the flaming sword did you?"

 

Lexa chuckles softly and wipes Clarke's cheeks, "I might have heard a tale or two. In honour of your ...  _Flare_ , I named it  _Lyeontombom.”_

_“Lionheart,”_  Clarke whispers appreciatively to both the blade and Lexa.

 

A second later, Lexa smiles against Clarke's lips as Clarke leans into her kissing her gratitude straight to Lexa’s heart. Clarke is deeply touched by the gestures - both the sword and its name. It holds a lot of meaning to them; bringing them both back to the memory of Lexa gifting Clarke one of her personal katana’s when Nia was still breathing. Clarke is thrilled to be able to use this gift and the old one to defend their love tonight and any day after.

 

"There is one more thing," Lexa says as she makes some space between their bodies and brings something out of her pocket. She opens her palm for Clarke to see.

 

Clarke's mouth drops as she sees a small brass emblem that looks like Lexa's headpiece except the symbol is different. It is still a circle but it does not resemble a gear; the brass has been finitely cut, leaving an empty circle in the middle and the brass cutting out in a circle like flames. 

 

It's Clarke's mark. 

 

Clarke's eyes flash back to vibrant greens.

 

"This is Wanheda's symbol as  _Heda_ ,” Lexa explains softly. “It's your crown my little lion."

 

Clarke runs her finger over the brass in Lexa's Palm. The significance of it is not lost on Clarke and she finds it overwhelming but in a good way. She would be lying if she wasn't concerned even slightly though for safeties sake - not hers, Lexa's.

 

The brass headpiece will mark her as Lexa's equal in the coalition. It will make her more than just a stand in heda when Lexa is absent, it will make Clarke co-commander at all times. The emblem goes beyond their marriage of hearts, it's a marriage of power with this.

 

And really, It gives Clarke more freedom. 

 

It's something Lexa does not have to do, something she logically probably shouldn't do, but she's doing it anyways.

 

"You get this in public, tonight, in front of everyone, I will place it on your head and crown you Heda myself. Tonight is your Ascension."

 

"Lex, are you sure about this...I don't need this, I'm fine being a stand in, really."

 

"You don't need this Clarke, but I do." Lexa says as she brushes Clarke's cheek with her empty hand. "I need to have you at my side beyond our bonding, I need you to help me lead not just advise me; this isn't like what Titus did for me when I was away, this is beyond that. This makes it obvious that the commander's Spirit chose you as much as mine did."

 

Clarke's lip twitches at the sentiment as she thinks about what Lexa is saying. "This should squash any lingering doubts about me doing this only for an alliance between our people..." 

 

"You would still be  _Skaikru_  representative like I am  _Trikru_ ," Lexa adds.

 

Clarke made a contemplative face, "My title won't change will it? I've gotten kind of used to the  _Wanheda_  moniker."

 

"You can call yourself whatever you like as long as you call yourself mine," Lexa purrs, slipping a hand behind Clarke's Lower back and drawing her closer.

 

"Smooth," Clarke makes a face that suggests 'kudos' for Lexa's line. "If you're sure about this..." She continues.

 

"When we make it to that alter you will know how sure I am Clarke," Lexa's voice is low and powerful. She means it.

 

"Then I'm in. I'm all in," Clarke murmurs pressing their lips together.

 

And she is; she is all fucking in. 

 

She doesn't feel pressure in this, she doesn't feel a heavy weight land on her - the weights the same, the weight is shared between them both. 

 

Tiny brass symbol or not. 

 

Lexa smiles and pockets the item away to be handed off to Kai later. "Now, it's time to bring Wanheda out. You ready?"

 

Clarke nods with a smirk, " _sha, heda_."

 

Lexa pulls her over to the table and takes out the war paint. 

 

"May I?" Lexa asks.

 

Clarke nods with a smirk, "You do it wrong and  _Wanheda's_  going to be pissed," she teases.

 

"I have memorized every version of your face, mask and all Clarke. I will not get it wrong."

 

And She doesn't, but her fingertips spark fire on Clarke skin. Clarke returns the favour, meticulously tracing Lexa's black tears.

 

"You know, I wonder if we should get Heda a new mask... Maybe a giant black grin instead," Clarke teases as a paint-less finger touches the corner of Lexa's smile that has not faded.

 

"How about no."

 

"You're right. I'd miss this mask too much anyways, you were wearing it when we met." Clarke uses her pinky to perfect the mask.

 

 _Wanheda_  and  _Heda_  have arrived; Clarke and Lexa are straddling the line, holding the leashes. They stare intently into each other's eyes, viewing both entities wrapped in one. Heda sees Clarke sees Lexa sees Wanheda. 

 

"We are making it to that alter," Lexa says again firmly, commanding. She pulls Clarke and spins her so she can strap her new sword on along with Lexa's old one to her back. They cross and Clarke easily practices unsheathing and sheathing them after taking a step back. Lexa's sword is buckled to her hip when there's a knock at the huts entrance. 

 

"Enter."

 

"Hey, someone wanted to come with me to get you," Octavia says, "but I wasn't sure-"

 

Clarke rolls her eyes, "Kai, mom, get in here!"

 

Abby pops in and abruptly stops to stare at the two while Kai whistles by her. Abby remains silent, her eyes set on her daughter and Lexa, mouth parted and a soft look of admiration plastered on her face.

 

Kai skips onwards and hops into Clarke's waiting arms. "You look beautiful  _Noumon_."

 

"Thanks kid." Clarke says nuzzling into her brown locks. 

 

Kai leans back instantly looking for Lexa. "You look just as beautiful."

 

" _Mochof,_  little one," Lexa says coming closer and putting a hand on Kai’s back and another on Clarke’s hip. "I want you to stay with your  _granoumon_  during the challenges, okay?” She whispers, “Raven and Octavia will be with you as well but I think Abby is going to need you to give her strength. Your brothers and sisters will be with the twins and Ryder."

 

Kai nods seriously as she takes the orders. Clarke smiles knowing Lexa wanted Kai to be with family, and she deftly hops over the ' _just in case'_ part again. Clarke kisses Kai on the cheek and Lexa follows right after. Clarke hugs the girl close once more, breathing in deep. Kai leans back after, reaching out to Lexa, who scoops her up and hugs her tight. Lexa too, breathes in deep before sighing it out and letting the girl down.

 

At this point, Clarke can hear soft sobbing from just inside the entrance. Clarke lays her hand on Kai's head when she looks at Abby crying over the little family. 

 

"Mom," Clarke blushes for some reason, "stop crying."

 

"Oh,  _like that's possible_ ,” Abby says dryly through her sobbing. Laughs erupt at Abby's exasperated tone. Clarke walks over to pull her into a hug. "You look beautiful Clarke," her mother says softly.

 

"I know you'd rather a dress but-"

 

"But this is who you are, it's fitting that this is how you'll wed." Abby kisses Clarke's head, "You look gorgeous sweetie. It’s perfect."

 

While still holding on to Clarke, Abby gestures with a wave of her hand to Lexa who takes the invitation, coming over with Kai and hugging the two Griffin women. Abby parts after a few moments and scoops Kai on her hip with a soft smile and parting words to the couple, "Keep each other safe." She turns and leaves the hut as Octavia steps forward with a grin.

 

"This way please," Octavia says waving towards the exit to let them pass. "De, de, de, de, de, de," Octavia starts making noises that sound like the beginning of a song.

 

Clarke groans recognizing the beat, "Not again with that ‘eye of the tiger’ shit O, you've been singing it for days."

 

"I can't help it, it’s stuck in my head. Plus, I'm just trying to get you guys pumped up."

 

"Consider us pumped."

 

"You're no fun," Octavia pouts.

 

"Ugh, fine."

 

Octavia starts the song again, belting out the lyrics as they make their way to the ceremony. Lexa hums along and Clarke stares at her in awe, of course she’s heard it before, fucking Raven.

 

Clarke hates that song.

 

But she likes that Lexa likes it.

 

* * *

 

 

 

The torches have been lit and the fires started. The crowd is large but expected. Clarke walks hand in hand with Lexa as they make their way to the aisle.

 

 _Okay_ ,  _Aisle_  is a generous term. 

 

It actually reminds Clarke of the Azgeda trial pit and there's a moment that, instead of making her falter, actually makes  _Wanheda_  growl. It makes her ravenous, she knows what stands in her way to the end of the aisle and she is more than ready to command death for it. For her. For them.

 

The torches line the aisle, it’s easily fifty feet long, fifteen feet wide, and the crowd kept on either side. They're closer, it's more intimate than the trial and at the end Clarke can see the platform alter. She can see her goal.

 

Lexa pulls her to a gentle stop; she watches Lexa eye the crowd, their friends, and landing lastly, on the natblida. There's a beat before she looks back to Clarke, her eyes burn into blue and they share a small smiling nod.

 

Lexa looks back to the aisle and Indra steps forward on the platform with her hands raised. " _People of the coalition, challengers of the Union; Skaikru and Trikru welcome you to TonDC for the union ceremony of Heda Lexa Kom Trikru and Wanheda Clarke Kom Skaikru_!"

 

The crowd roars to life at her words. Clarke's heart roars with them and she smiles beneath her mask. 

 

 _"As tradition demands, the couple has completed the providing hunt and these two have done so beyond measure,_ " Indra continues as the crowd roars again. " _Tonight, under the Spirits of the ground they ask to be united, bound to each other to protect and honour. Pledging life, heart and swords before us! They've reached the final task, any who oppose this Union may now step forward!"_

 

There's no cheer, there is silence and a collective intake of breath before anyone moves. Then slowly - one at a time - thirteen challengers step into the aisle.

 

Clarke fights the urge to roll her eyes at the slim number -thinking _she could do this in her sleep-_ and instead, takes the moment to check in with Lexa. She too seems unfazed; almost disappointed even, which causes Clarke to look again at the challengers. 

 

Then she sees the obvious issue; there are no Azgeda challengers. No white paint and wild grey colours visible as she looks down the aisle. For now, the other challengers don’t draw her attention, she has a good idea where they are from. She too is confused and concerned as to why Ontari has sent no challengers. There is nothing pressing in polis according to the radio, but no azgeda are here challenging either. It does not make sense. Clarke shakes her head minutely as Lexa squeezes her hand reassuringly, she can dwell on that after; right now, her mission is clear: get to that alter and kill anyone in their way.

 

Lexa tilts her head downward, eyeing the challengers through a narrowed gaze, she is  _Heda_  taking stock of what lies before them; the both of them resolved on their future actions and common goal, eyes set on their foe. 

 

Lexa growls as the challengers pull out their various weapons,she glances at Clarke who nods determinedly. Lexa pulls her sword free, brandishing it high before slowly lowering it to point at their enemies _._

_"I hope the spirits have mercy on your souls, because we won't!”_  Lexa shouts dangerously icy towards the aisle.  _Wanheda’s_  eyes flare at the power shown as she visibly sees a few challengers exchange uneasy glances.

 

And just like that, the drums begin to play steady; Clarke's heart matches the beat. It's A rhythm Clarke's never heard before, it's slow and methodical a first. Other instruments begin to join in and Clarke's blown away when a voice hums along.

 

It's Indra, and it's a powerful low hum that reverberates loud. Clarke realizes Raven has rigged up a mic for her voice to carry loud through the rovers speakers.

 

Clarke looks back to Lexa who is watching her intently, fire in her green eyes, and holding her hand tightly. "Challenge continues?" She suggests with a tilt of her head.

 

Clarke smirks and lifts her hand to kiss the back of her hand, "You're on." She should feel fear, but she doesn't. They will not die today, she feels it.

 

**“ _Ai Medo Drein Au”_   _My Body Bleeds,_ Indra’s voice carries out above the crowd now as she sings.**

 

Clarke pulls Lexa forward before dropping her hand and unsheathing her two swords with a sharp tug and a flourish. Lexa walks beside her sword in hand and giving it a threatening twirl.

**_“Yumi na teik, Won sonraun au?”_ ** **_And will you take, a life with me?_ **

 

Clarke and Lexa walk forward side by side, eyes piercing the oncoming foes and blades raised up as Indra sings. Clarke bends her knees as the first challenger comes barreling towards them. She glances at Lexa with a smirk,  _“This one is mine.”_  Clarke twirls her two swords and charges the man as well, he leaps with a wide swing of his longsword and Clarke somersaults onto the ground avoiding it. She gracefully pops up and blocks his rounding swing when he realized he missed. 

****

**_“Medo ste thonken,”_ ** **_A body’s hollow, “Medo drein au” A body bleeds_ **

 

Clarke uses her right blade to bash his sword out of guarding himself and runs her new katana right through his chest before ripping it out violently. The crowd erupts and Clarke glances at Lexa, “That’s one.”

 

“Show off,” she smirks twirling her sword and allowing the next challengers to get closer. She sends a burst of energy towards the others sending them flying backwards to give Clarke and her time.

****

**_Oso kik raun, We live as one; Ogeda soulou, We live alone_ **

 

Lexa bares her teeth and lowers as a woman steps forward brandishing a short sword and a dagger. In the corner of her eye she sees Clarke begin another assault on the next man. Lexa spins launching into attack as well swinging swiftly at the woman before her. She’s small and lithe; she’s flexible and able to defend Lexa’s blows. When she goes onto attack Lexa finds an opening, kicking her back and pulling her own dagger before founding and landing a kick to her head. She uses the dagger to feign a high attack while her sword connects harshly with the woman’s knee crushing it and sending her to the ground in a wolf-like howl.

****

**_Ai laik yu gona, I am your soldier; Ai na get raun, I will atone_ **

 

Lexa swiftly ends her fight, slitting her throat with her dagger and rising to see Clarke drop her man a few feet away. Before they can even smirk at each other the other attackers are rushing forward. Clarke comes closer to Lexa and they remain side by side as the remaining ten warriors begin to crowd them. 

****

**_Yumi na teik, And will you take; Won sonraun au? A life with me?_ **

 

Lexa glances at Clarke, sharing a small smile before they both twirl to opposite sides and begin blocking the oncoming strikes. Neither waste much time quickly striking two warriors down and ending their fight with blades through their chests.

****

**_Ai keryon gyon op, My soul moves on; Ai keryon g’ breik au, My soul is freed_ **

 

They both move like lightning striking and defending as blow after blow is exchanged. Clarke rolls on the ground taking out a pair of legs, dropping a man to his knees in front of Lexa who promptly swings her sword half decapitating the man. Without missing a beat, Lexa twirls and flings an assassin’s blade at the woman who was about to swing her axe down on Clarke’s back. The woman freezes and Clarke whirls, rising with her two swords and plunging both into the woman’s chest and shoving her up off the ground before driving her into the fucking dirt.  _Wanheda’s_  keeping count, _six more_ , she whispers.

 

  ** _Pas skaikrasha, After the storm; Klin tristraka, A lightning flash; En houd don gon, With all the world; Hosh trashsaka, Reduced to ash_**

 

Clarke braces against Lexa’s back as they get surrounded, Lexa alternates pushing back with her energy and blocking with her shield around them. Clarke snarls, aware that she can't just be flinging flames around tonight with this crowd so she lights her new katana with flames and swings to connect with one of the women. She too carries two swords but Clarke is easily faster than her, she’s stronger too. She ducks and slices the thigh of the woman catching her off guard.

 

 She feels Lexa lean back to back against her bent over body as she avoids a giant axe swing that would have hit her chest. Lexa lifts herself upright as the blade misses and thrusts her dagger into his chest, twisting it as she plunges her sword through his gut. Clarke recovers as well, slicing with her left flaming blade and cutting and burning flesh as she then drives her other blade through her heart and kills the woman attacking her.

 

Those two assailants fall to the ground together as Clarke and Lexa step over them, poised gracefully like lioness' but more deadly.

 

_Four more._

****

**_Yumi na teik, And will you take; Won sonraun au? A life with me?_ **

 

There’s barely a chance to breathe as Clarke feels Lexa shove her to the left and immediately engage with the warrior that Clarke didn’t see coming. Lexa screams her name as she ends his fight swiftly with a blade to the side of his head. Clarke spins to return the favour and protect Lexa’s back. She flings an assassin’s blade from her boot into the leg of one of the men slowing him down so she can rush him.

****

**_Houd na fleim daun, this world will burn; Bed’ ge jok au, Save what you need_ **

 

 She growls feral when he blocks her next two strikes with his spear. He goes on the attack, swinging it high and low quite masterfully. Clarke has to roll backwards flipping herself onto her back before launching onto her feet again. She shoots a quick flicker of flames at him to ward him off but he leaps over them easily sticking one end of his blade in the dirt to give him leverage. As he flies through the air launching a kick towards her, he is blindsided in midair, tackled to the ground. Clarke looks to see Lexa on top of him and stabbing furiously as he chokes on his own blood. Clarke spins to see another man coming running at Lexa’s back.

****

**_Ai nou fir raun, I am fearless; Ai mana jomp in, I aim to fight; Ai mana wan op, I aim to die; Ai don sin y'in, You’re in my sight_ **

 

Her eyes flare dangerously and she launches her right blade at the man hitting him in the side and sending him staggering. She gives him little time to recover as she immediately launches forward growling and bringing his death with her.

 

She lands a crushing fist to his nose before her elbow connects, she grabs her still impaled sword in his side and thrusts it deeper with a snarl, snapping her teeth like an animal as she gets right beside his face. He makes a last ditch effort to grab for his dagger to stab her which misses it's mark, connecting and blanching off her shoulder guard and leaving one single scratch on her cheek. She uses his poorly aimed blow against him and spins bringing her flaming sword up to his neck as she spins behind him and she pulls both blades, one flaming across his throat, the other ripping out his side.

**_Yumi na teik, And will you take; Won sonraun au? A life with me?_ **

****

Clarke and Lexa spin to see the final warrior looking anxiously between the two leaders. They glance at each other smirking and lowering their chins preparing to strike. 

 

Together, as one, they step forward with a twirl of weapons and menacing sneers. The lone remaining man doesn't falter as he brandishes his long sword and pulls a crossbow out. Its locked and loaded and he points it between the two as they creep closer, dangerous smirks still on their faces.

 

The man points the crossbow towards the blonde as Clarke makes a gesture with her sword causing the man to flinch as he shoots. His errant arrow flies towards not Clarke but Lexa, in that moment, Clarke feels Lexa’s energy encompass her when she thought the arrow would find Clarke. 

 

Clarke panics, the first moment of panic she's had the whole fight, looking over at Lexa who she knows is left without her shield. She watches the arrow catch her side and she hisses as she spins trying to avoid it, it blanches her side but continues on into the dirt. 

 

Clarke lets the breath she was holding out. That was close, too close, Clarke is going to yell at her later for that stunt. 

 

**Blood must have blood, Jus drein jus daun; My body bleeds, Ai medo drein au**

 

At the last line of the song and seeing Lexa press a hand against her cut side, Clarkes vision flickers red as she screams and launches herself in the air. Her flaming sword twirling and coming down hard, connecting with his own. 

 

Her blow is so powerful, the heat so strong, it breaks his blade in half and he falls to the ground with her on top of him. She rolls forward in her momentum pulling him with her as she rights herself; gripping him with inhuman strength and putting the flaming sword to his neck, she holds it there as his flesh burns and his screams sing.  

 

Clarke holds him steady as she looks at Lexa who’s eyes are dark in the firelight as she approaches. They are dark, but sparkling. Gorgeous, but deadly.

 

“ _Jus drein, jus daun_ ,” Clarke hisses in the mans ear. She looks to Lexa,  _“The kill is yours, ai niron.”_

Lexa narrows her eyes with a slight twitch of her lips, "or we call it even?" She says in reference to their personal challenge, as she walks swiftly to place her sword above Clarke’s on the man’s neck. She grabs a fistful of his hair pulling his neck back, she looks at Clarke who nods with a small smile, “This kill is ours.”

 

Together they pull their blades in opposite directions on the man’s neck, his blood staining their blades as they pull them. With one final flourish Clarke pulls the flames back from her blade, letting the body fall and she and Lexa sheathe their swords to riotous cheers and bellows from the crowd. 

 

Clarke barely hears it, she simply pulls Lexa close, one hand on her lower back, the other cradling her neck as she crashes their lips together. It's hungry and powerful, it's all tongue and teeth and passionate fury mixed with adrenaline.

 

When they pull back to breathe, Lexa’s eyes flutter open, “Clarke,” she whispers adoringly, a slight rasp to her voice. Heat pools in both bellies. Hunger not even close to sated.

 

“I told you we’d make it to that alter." Clarke's hand reaches up to delicately fiddle with the bead in Lexa's hair. "Lexa, I love you so much," Clarke says reverently with light in her eyes. Her excitement that this ceremony is now solely about the two of them bonding overwhelming her, making her hands tremble. 

 

"Clarke," Lexa pushes the feeling right back, "I love you more with each breath you take, Be mine." Her voice is a soft purr and her thumb rubs against Clarke's hip.

 

"Mmm, too late." Clarke murmurs against her lips a final time, she separates their bodies but her arm trails down along Lexa’s and entwines their hands. 

 

Together, they take a breath before they step forward down the remainder of the aisle. They walk to the sound of banging drums that match their heartbeats and soft strings that match their emotions. They smile and wave to friends and family they pass as the crowd continues to cheer.

 

At the end of the aisle, a little to the left of the alter, is a small area set aside for the couple where they can attend to each other before the bonding. The dead are removed from the aisle behind them and the people crowd into it and in front of the alter platform. 

 

Clarke leads Lexa over and sits her in one of the chairs. Now that they have passed the challengers, they are to remove the majority of their blades and armour to present themselves to each other without boundaries. 

 

Clarke immediately begins to clean and attend to Lexa’s side, the arrow’s sting is evident but it is not deep and there is no poison present; Lexa's wide smile never falters. When she’s finished with the wound, she removes Lexa’s bracers and her chest armour and sword. she leaves the shoulder guard on and adds Lexa's sash to it affectionately. Clarke stares directly into pools of green as she tenderly removes Lexa’s war paint, sighing softly as she slowly reveals the girl behind the mask. "Hi."

 

"Hi," Lexa murmurs back before Clarke kisses her softly.  Lexa stands slowly without breaking the kiss, she pulls Clarke close before breaking the kiss and spinning her to remove her swords from her back.

 

Lexa gently kisses Clarke's neck before she pulls her back and pushes her gently into the seat. Lexa returns the favour. She removes most of Clarke’s armour, including her shoulder guard. She removes her lower back blade, she leaves her thigh daggers. 

 

Lexa kisses Clarke hotly before she begins to remove the paint, it feels like a thank you to Clarke's alter ego. She is slow and methodical and just as lost in Clarke’s eyes as she wipes  _Wanheda’s_  mask off. 

 

When she is finished, she kisses Clarke again, softly, but still igniting Clarke’s insides and making her cause the flames around the aisle to soar. They barely register the laughs from the crowd. They're too lost in each other, the rest is just background noise.

 

After they are cleaned up, Lexa pours a dark amber liquid into a cup they are meant to share. It is ornate and centuries old by the looks of it and she offers it to Clarke’s lips first. Clarke stares intently into her eyes as she sips the warmth in and presses it back to Lexa’s lips after. She feels the burn but it’s soothing, it feels right, it feels good even though it's stronger than Montys shine.

 

After the drink is set back down, the two leaders part with a nod and head to opposite ends of the raised platform alter. Clarke looks up to see thousands of luminescent butterflies overhead that have perched themselves on latticed moss, no doubt the gift from Paul of the Glowing Forest. They leave a soft wonderful glow over the alter along with the flickering torchlight. It's rather breathtaking and for a moment Clarke can only stare, mouth slightly parted.

 

There's a small throat clear that brings Clarke back to the present. Clarke smiles as she stands next to Octavia who brings her in for a tight a hug. “I’m so happy for you Clarke. Thank you for letting me stand beside you tonight.”

 

“Thank you for standing beside me every night O, you honour me tonight."

 

They part and Clarke turns to take a couple more steps forward where she sees Lexa parting from a hug from Raven and exchanging words that make them both laugh. (It was about the strap-on.)

 

Clarke smiles unabashedly as Lexa catches her eye, she comes closer now and sends all the love she’s feeling at Clarke. They both feel like their floating above the ground. This is it. They made it. 

 

Finally.

 

Lexa stands in front of Clarke, all smiles and adoration. Clarke returns it as she reaches out with her left hand, Lexa takes it and they turn their attention to Indra.

 

 _“The spirits have spoken!”_ she shouts to new roars from the crowd.  _“The spirits have deemed this union worthy and the couple stand before you proving their love, commitment and dedication to each other! Tonight, before you all I am honoured to conduct the ceremony of bonding between Heda Lexa Kom trikru and Wanheda Clarke Kom skaikru!"_ She looks between the couple and Clarke sees real emotion in her eyes, raw adoration and pride. 

 

It shocks her for the briefest of moments before Indra speaks again.  _“First, they shall exchange their pledges!”_

Clarke looks back to Lexa and they stand squarely facing each other once more. She takes a deep steadying breath. Lexa holds out her hand and Indra places a very familiar wooden handled dagger into her hand. Clarke looks at it curiously recognizing it from the first time she met Lexa.

 

"This was Roma’s,” Lexa says softly for Clarke only to hear and Clarke blinks begging herself not to cry. Lexa lifts Clarke’s hand to her mouth and kisses the palm gently with full lips, before she slices Clarke’s palm quickly. 

 

Clarke doesn't flinch, she stars directly into Lexa's eyes. Lexa places her thumb in the black blood of Clarke’s palm, right across the cut and holds the knife out for Clarke. Clarke's breath hitches as she takes the knife, fingertips grazing Lexa's and sending her skin on fire. 

 

Lexa states at her smiling as Clarke cuts her palm and presses their palms together. 

 

A perfect fit.

 

 

Now Clarke hands the knife back to Indra as she stares deep into Lexa's, she sees her soul. She always has; their souls would recognize each other anywhere. She waits on baited breath for Lexa to speak.

_"Clarke Kom Skaikru, I stand before you and the spirits today, a leader like you and human just as any other. With this ceremony, I Lexa Kom Trikru, pledge myself to you; your needs are my own. My heart, my soul, my being is yours. I swear it.”_

Clarke’s eyes smoulder in their heated gaze as she tries to catch her beating roaring heart. Lexa's flare excitedly; it's slightly possessive but full of love and passion. Clarke swallows and hopes her voice is as strong as Lexa's was, right now her mouth feels dry.

 

“ _Lexa Kom Trikru, we meet and join the way the sky meets the earth, inevitable and unyielding. I stand before you and the spirits today, a leader like you and human just as any other. With this ceremony, I Clarke Kom Skaikru, pledge myself to you; your needs are my own. My heart, my soul, my being is yours. I swear it.”_

Roars erupt around them at the exchange and Indra steps forward with a long piece of leather. “With this leather, I signify you united, bound for life!” She takes their entwined bleeding hands and wraps one end around Lexa’s wrist, fastening it in a way that it will have to be cut to be removed. She does the same with Clarke’s wrist before she takes Roma’s dagger and cuts the leather cuffs clean. 

 

Another roar emits from the crowd and Clarke stares at their hands, still bleeding, still held together tightly and now adorning their marriage cuffs. Braided, entwined like them.

 

And with that, It’s official.

 

Clarke’s eyes flare excitedly as she catches Lexa’s, already on her and gazing adoringly. They did it. They made it. They're finally here. The world feels righted, slowed in this moment, frozen just for them.

 

The emotions swarming between the two are crazy electric right now, the flames are flaring higher and Lexa is glowing slightly with each thud of her heart it seems. Everything lands on her at once, Clarke can’t wait any longer she launches forward, letting go of Lexa’s hand, grabbing her tenderly and smashing their lips together. She feels Lexa grab her just as hungrily but cupping her neck softly, handling her  _houmon_  with care. Clarke pulls her closer, desperately trying to remove any distance between them. The crowd goes ballistic at the show of emotions and clap loudly for them.

 

Indra gives them a moment before she raises her hand to silence the crowd as Lexa and Clarke come up for air. Clarke would blush - but honestly,  _fuck that_  - she’s not embarrassed. She’s fucking allowed to show affection to her  _houmon._

 

The two share a shaky, giddy, gay as fuck, teary eyed laugh. (They fucking giggled, if you ask Raven and Octavia.)

 

(They're not wrong.)

 

Indra gestures to Raven and Octavia who step forward and clear their throats to get Clarke and Lexa to stop staring at each other. She doesn't miss the small wink the two exchange between each other. 

 

Clarke smiles and thanks Octavia quietly as she is handed the small gift. Clarke opens the wooden box to find the small assassin’s blades she had specially made for Lexa. She turns the box for Lexa to see and is happy to see that this part of her gift is well received. Clarke has had the blades customized, they have an infinity symbol made out of metal as each handle. 

 

Clarke steps forward and places the three daggers on Lexa’s person, softly whispering in her ear, "To keep you safe.”

 

She steps around Lexa’s back and pulls out the next gift handing the box back to Octavia. She pulls out the necklace and laces it around Lexa’s neck fastening it quickly and coming around to face her again. Lexa fingers the necklace delicately and looks down, mouth parted; it’s a tiny infinity symbol on a gold chain, one that she can wear under her armour and leathers. 

 

Clarke leans in and kisses her cheek, “Soulmates, Lex. We are infinite. That’s so we find each other in whatever comes next.”

 

Lexa swallows and a tear escapes her eye. “Clarke,” she whispers before she regains her composure and clears her throat. She really thought she could make it through this without crying. (She was wrong.) 

 

Raven comes closer and hands Lexa a small parcel as well. Lexa swallows as she looks at Clarke presenting the tiny box and opening it for her to see. Clarke’s mouth parts open as she sucks back air and a few tears fall. Lexa smiles and removes her father’s ring from the box, Clarke gives her her left hand, choking back tears as Lexa slips it into place on her ring finger.

 

“Lex,” Clarke’s voice cracks as she sees her mother’s wedding ring on her finger. She can almost feel her dad’s hand on the back of her shoulder pushing her to embrace Lexa, she can almost hear is voice saying 'go get her kiddo'. She does, wrapping her in a giant hug before grabbing her cheeks and kissing her devoutly. Lips moulding together, small sucking on her bottom lip.

 

Another cheer erupts at her show and this time Lexa raises a hand to silence it after regaining her breath from Clarke’s assault on her mouth. “There is a final token to be given to  _Wanheda_  tonight," she says strongly in her commander voice.

 

Behind Indra, Kai steps forward beaming, chin raised high and carrying Clarke’s shoulder guard. Clarke gasps as she looks from the little girl to Lexa and she puts two and two together. She thought Lexa’s sash looks different earlier; it’s been trimmed lengthwise so it is a tad thinner and the cut piece is attached to Clarke’s shoulder guard woven into the centre of a velvet black sash. 

 

The crowd is silent, watching intently at this new development. Lexa takes the shoulder guard from a very proud looking Kai with a wink and moves to put it on Clarke.

 

The blonde is frozen in place as the sash is situated and falls gracefully down her front shoulder, under her arm and down her back. It is shorter than Lexa’s, landing only just below her butt, obviously to allow Clarke better movement but it is just as elegant.

 

Clarke swallows as her fingertips brush on the black and red velvet. She turns back to look at Lexa who is stepping forward, “People of the coalition, with this we see the ascension of Wanheda, leader and protector, chosen by the commander’s spirit and my own to help me lead our people!” 

 

Clarke half expects to hear outrage.

 

She doesn't.

 

It's deafening cheers.

 

And she smiles as the crowd roars to life as Lexa tenderly places Clarke’s brass emblem mark on her forehead. She smiles proudly, staring into Clarke's blue eyes, before pulling her head down lacing a tender kiss right on the emblem.

 

When she releases Clarke’s head she smiles, “ _Ai_   _Houmon, ai tombon.” Wife, my heart._

“ _Ai houmon, ai niron_.”  _My wife, my love._ Clarke breathily confirms before they meet half way in a searing kiss. It’s a kiss that confirms what just happened. It’s a kiss that ends the ceremony and begins their new life together. 

 

It feels just as powerful, it feels like it could bring life to this world, as they glow in Lexa’s light and Clarke sends the flames into the sky.

 

They have a few moments of searing kisses before they part for air, sharing one last burning look before turning, hand in hand, and facing their crowd.

 

 _Houmons_.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love is Love is Love is Love is Love
> 
>  
> 
> Fuck you Jason.


	57. Married

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so gay. You're so gay. They are. SO. GAY.
> 
> Here's some gay fluff nonsense and then some marital sin. Next chapter is for you dirty thirsty's and Raven and Octavia's gift. Then I'm going back to the plot and you can quench yo thirst elsewhere.

 

 The night continued on in exorbitant celebrations. The liquor flowed freely and the feast was massive. The music was alive; Raven's rover pumping out old world tunes to the delight of all. The grounders would play along with their instruments, resulting in a delightful mash up of the two cultures. The microphone was shared, awkward karaoke was belted out in drunken slurring and everything was perfect.

 

Everyone was feeling elated; full and slightly drunk by feasts end. Then the real party began. The chicken fights started up again and the crowd was relentlessly cheering high into the night.

 

"I've got a surprise for you," Clarke murmurs in Lexa's ear as the brunette hugs her close to her side. They're watching the chicken fights but their attention is solely on each other.

 

"Mmm," Lexa says turning to her ear to return the favour, ignoring whatever Raven and Octavia are saying beside her, "better be a good surprise, a naked surprise perhaps?" She teases lightly.

 

Clarke chuckles scoffing with a push on her chest, "not quite yet." She turns pulling Lexa toward the platform where two chairs have been set up along with a small table.

 

Lexa sees the marking tools and glances at Clarke. "I've been practicing in polis. I'm pretty good, Ryder even got one done by me," her wife tells her.

 

Her wife.

  

 _WIFE_. 

 

 _Clarke Griffin, wife to Lexa Kom trikru. Lexa Kom trikru, wife to Clarke Kom skaikru_...

 

"Lex?"

 

Lexa raises her brows and shakes her head, "sorry, my thoughts ran away there." She stares at Clarke in awe as she sits down with a smile. "I have no doubts in your ability Clarke." 

 

She's never doubted any of her abilities. 

 

 She's never doubted Clarke.

  

Clarke pulls her chair closer and gathers the needle and ink, "alright, where do you want it?"

 

Lexa grins, "two Clarke. I want two."

  

"Lex? That's a lot of pain to sit through. I'm good, I'm not painless."

 

Lexa ignores her, "Two marks Clarke. The tree and the sun drawing you made on my left forearm, the tree routed from the band. The second on my chest above my heart," she runs her hand over the stitched mark on her leather, "your mark."

 

"Our mark," Clarke corrects.

 

She grins sheepishly and Lexa kisses the corner of her lips, a mix of liquid courage and pure freedom urging her forward, "Now  _shof op_ and mark me  _ai houmon_."

 

Lexa feels Clarke's desire mix with her own at her words. It's not an innuendo she intended to make but she and Clarke can’t deny the crude thoughts that creep in their heads anyways or the fact that their bodies are practically vibrating because of them.

  

"If you want the lines somewhat straight you'll stop saying things like that," Clarke warns playfully as Lexa unabashedly removes her outer layers and then her black top, leaving her in her bindings.

  

"Nothing about me is straight Clarke," Lexa smirks at Clarke who watched it all happen while absently licking her lips.

 

"That's what she said," Raven jeers bringing a cup for Lexa. 

  

Clarke rolls her eyes as she sets to work on Lexa's arm. They make light conversation, all flirty and fun, while many come to pay their respects to the couple.

 

Lexa paces herself on the drinks, making sure to be sober enough to mark Clarke after with all the grace she deserves. Besides, neither leader really feels the need to overindulge; they’re inebriated off of each other alone.

 

By the end, to a delighted Clarke and poetically gay Lexa, both are sore and sporting matching tattoos. But the burn is worth it, the hazing they'll receive from Raven and Octavia when they sober up is worth it, and the needle marks should be healed within a few hours thanks to their blood. All totally worth it. Not one fuck is given; they love them, they look hot and all Clarke wants to do is slip away to examine her ... _work_  more closely.

 

Before she can though, she is pulled back into the marker’s chair by Octavia who sits opposite, shirt off already, and turning to expose her back and shoulder. She makes her request and Clarke obliges. She creates a tribal design swooping and curling off down her neck and around her shoulder. It's traditional Trikru in appearance except for the small Raven Octavia has her add on her shoulder.

  

Raven _-a very drunk Raven-_ gives Lexa free range in her tattoo design. A dangerous thing to do, but Lexa is gracious and kind to her bro - even though she is certain had it be the other way around Raven would have taken full advantage of the situation. (Raven’s kind of an asshole like that.) She decides on a design that would be true to Raven after a moment of silent regard of her friend and a bit of input from Clarke. Lexa gives her an armband that looks like the Galaxy exploding with stars, a warrior’s sword constellation, and a black Raven soaring among the stars. It's incredibly detailed for the crude equipment, and Raven’s gratitude pours out of her.

  

" _LEXA_! Lexa! I fucking love it! Thanks!! Look how fucking hot this is!" Raven stares wildly at her arm from a bunch of different angles while crushing Lexa in a hug.

 

"You’re very welcome Rae. O, maybe you should get her some water? Or something to eat?" Lexa suggests helping Raven steady herself with a smile when she's released.

  

"That's a good idea," Octavia says happily with a hand on Raven’s shoulder, "come on stud," she says as Lexa hands her off.

 

 Lexa turns to grab Clarke's hand; "I have a surprise for you of my own." Clarke raises her eyebrows suggestively and Lexa grins wickedly in response "hold that thought."

 

Clarke feels Lexa squeeze her hand and kiss her cheek sweetly before taking her leave. A second later, Clarke is immediately swarmed by her mother and Kane as she watches Lexa get swallowed by the crowd.

  

Abby grabs at Clarke clothes pulling them back and inspecting the marks. Clarke expects her to have some words about marking her body permanently but Abby surprises her by actually smiling and running a thumb gingerly over them. She seems satisfied with the designs and the light clear sheen of salve that's been put on them. “I want to have a look at Lexa’s too.”

  

“Mom, I think I can handle that…I am her wife after all.”

 

Abby’s face lights up along with Clarke’s and they toast with a quick sip of wine.

 

"Congratulations, Clarke!" Kane says pulling her into a hug after he refills their cups.

 

"Thanks Kane, glad you could be here for this."

  

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be, I'm very proud of you, and Lexa, of course!" he says happily stepping back and swinging an arm over Abby.

  

"Me too Clarke. This was ...different, but I liked it. It was very you two; Looking after your people with the hunt, protecting and defending each other with the challengers, then the beautiful hand fasting..." Abby gets a little choked up and leans into Kane's side. "It was just beautiful. The two of you... Just- everything was stunning... _excluding the blood_ , but even the fighting - it was like watching trained dancers. I - it was powerful." Abby reaches up to wipe her eye.

  

" _Mom_ ," Clarke groans under the pride and raw emotions. 

  

Thankfully, she's saved from any more intense show of emotions from her mother as Kai comes shouting her name and giving her a split second to catch her flying form that’s leaping into her arms.

 

"Hey kid!" Clarke says catching her and swinging her around.

 

"Will you come dance with us?" Kai asks eagerly leaning back and gesturing towards the natblida who are all dancing by one of the large fires.

 

Clarke nods happily in agreement, swallowing the emotions, remembering the last time she had the natblida dancing at the Winter festival and how much work it was for her to get them to let loose. Things really do come full circle sometimes.

 

She sets Kai down and hops down from the platform behind her towards the group. She sees Bellamy and Echo holding each other close, completely oblivious to those around them. Luna's dancing with Peyton in her arms and laughing loudly at the girl’s squeals of delight. Raven and Octavia are each shaking their hips, drinks in hand. “She wouldn’t eat until she danced,” Octavia shouts over the music as an explanation.

 

Clarke laughs and rolls her eyes, “You’re going to regret giving in to that!”

 

“I’d never regret anything with her Clarke,” Octavia says watching Raven spin around glass raised towards the sky and a huge grin plastered on her face. Octavia quickly downs the rest of her drink tossing the cup aside and steps in closer to keep Raven balanced. Their dancing gets a little more provocative after that and Clarke has to look away.

 

There’s a tug on her hand and Clarke takes the hint refocusing on Kai. She raises their joined hands and twirls the girl underneath them and bounces along with the beat. The other natblida crowd her dancing along and congratulating her loudly. She doesn’t fail to notice Aden and Zora’s close proximity and heart eyes as they dance along too.

 

“Hey Clarke, I didn’t even see you there!” Bellamy says as the song changes.

 

Clarke laughs as Echo rolls her eyes, “That’s perfectly acceptable, you had your hands full.”

 

“They’re going to be fuller soon!” Octavia shouts bumping into her brother playfully.

 

He glares at her and then glances at Echo. Clarke stops dancing.

 

 _Wait._  

 

“What?” Clarke looks between the three of them.

 

Bellamy grins stupidly at Echo and Clarke’s mouth drops before bursting into a huge grin.

 

“When did you find out!?”

 

“Your mom gave us the good news a few days ago,” he says pulling Echo closer.

 

“Bell! You’re a man-child and you’re having a baby!! Holy fuck!” Clarke rushes them and gives them a huge double hug.

 

 “Gee, thanks Clarke,” he grumbles.

  

“I’m kidding obviously!” No she’s not. He’s still a bit of a man-child. But she’s not concerned because she knows he and Echo will be great parents. Bellamy has faults but he is a good person and his heart is true, he raised Octavia, he’ll do great.

 

The music kicks off again and the dancing continues. Clarke gets lost in the motions with her friends and loved ones. Then there is a commotion. The crowd parts a little and it catches Clarke’s eye.

 

She’s still bouncing but straining her neck to see better, then she freezes. The music continues but she hears nothing. Time has stopped for Clarke, just for this moment. The people around her disappear, the crowd vanishes and Clarke’s eyes flare, her jaw is on the floor and her breath is gone from her lungs in the most exhilarating way ever.

 

If Lexa ever punched her in the gut, she imagines this is how it would feel; fantastically short of breath, heart frozen and trembling in fire all at once. Flying high and yet rooted to the ground. Like the only thing wrong in the entire world is that she’s not holding her in her arms right that second.

 

She wants her to metaphorically punch her in the gut like this all the fucking time to be honest.

  

Bathed in golden red firelight is the most beautiful goddess Clarke has ever seen. Angelic and ethereal in every small step she takes.

 

 Always effortlessly beautiful…

 

Clarke has never seen her quite like this and she feels like she’s having an out of body experience. She’s never seen Lexa look so innocent, but sultry. She’s never seen her so exposed but so in command; everyone’s eyes are on her but she only has eyes for Clarke.

 

Lexa is standing in a skintight, burgundy red, floor length dress with a slit up the left side exposing a mile long leg Clarke drools over. The straps are thin, her _Heda_ sash drapes effortlessly over her one shoulder without the guard. The straps hug her shoulders leaving a suggestive view for Clarke’s eyes to rove the valleys and dips of her wife’s form. Her makeup has been touched up, her eyes shadowed, hooded black and green eyes popping beneath it.

 

For a second, for an eternity, they pause feet away eyes locked in their own silent dance.

 

“Here, _Noumon_ ,” Kai says quietly pushing on the bottom of Clarke’s chin to close her mouth with a giggle. Clarke swallows in response barely acknowledging, still too struck by Lexa’s beauty.

 

Then she hears, “Oh, for Christ’s sake Clarke, go get some,” followed by a rough push to her back urging her forward and out of her trance. She hears Raven, Octavia and the other’s cackle behind her as she stumbles forward.

 

She curses herself. _Smooth Griffin. Get it together._

 

 She finds her feet, drawn to Lexa’s pull, righting her and bringing her forward. Clarke slows in front of her, eyes roving her form slowly, hungrily, darkening her blue eyes with every inch. “You look…”

  

“I wanted you to like it,” Lexa says softly as her body tingles when Clarke’s fingertips brush against the thin fabric on her hips. She swallows as she fights against the emotions and urges rushing between them.

 

Clarke brings her closer, hands purposefully trailing slowly, tantalizingly across her lower back and splaying across her small frame. She pulls their bodies flush, locking hooded eyes to hooded eyes. “I want to show you how much I like it, but that would mean removing you from it,” she husks, warm breath against Lexa’s ear.

 

Before Lexa can melt like she’s about to, Clarke pulls her tight and spins them as she finds a slow motion with their hips. Finally hearing the music over her staggering heart, she feels Lexa’s hand on her shoulder, the other in Clarke’s hand as she lets Clarke lead them. She moves them slow, savoring each and every step, each bump and brush of contact between them taken in and carded away deep within her heart.

 

Their foreheads touch, no space exists between them and everything once again disappears around them. The songs change but the dance doesn’t, the music always finds a way to match their motions. They are lost and found all at once.

 

They are home. 

 

“Clarke,” Lexa whisper turning her head, lidded eyes fluttering as she exposes her neck.

  

Instinct moves her; Clarke’s lips connect softly on her pulse point, tongue darting out tasting her wife. It’s not even close to enough, she shifts again and Lexa moans softly, “Clarke.”

 

No other word is needed, no direction, no cue. Clarke knows what she wants, what she’s silently saying she needs because her wants and needs are Clarke's wants and needs.

 

 _“Ai sonruan_ , _ai hod yu in_ ,” _my life, I love you._ Clarke husks kissing her jaw before cradling her head with both hands and kissing her passionately. Their tongues meet on the second stroke, head’s tilting and both falling deep into the motions. The fires roar around the village and Clarke takes Lexa with her in flames.

 

When they touch down the kiss doesn’t end. It deepens. Lexa moans and Clarke swallows it as the ocean waves crash on shore. Only once the sound registers does Lexa pull back, “Where are we?”

 

“Another little surprise,” Clarke husks before kissing her neck.

 

Then she spins Lexa, pulling her back flush with Clarke’s front and letting her see the small hut that been built on a small floating barge just for them, specifically for tonight. Clarke lazily flicks her wrist and lights the torches on the corners of the barge, then she leans down and scoops Lexa up bridal style to an adorable squeal from her wife as she carries her forwards on the beach. Once again, mid-stride, Clarke uses the flames to land them on the barge; without stopping, she kicks open the hut’s door and shuts it behind them.

 

Lexa has buried her head into Clarke’s neck, kissing and suckling at her pulse point, relishing in the light sheen of salty sweat and ever-abundant scent of Clarke. The blonde slowly lets her down but keeps her body close, kissing her once before stepping back and admiring Lexa in the dress.

 

No, Clarke’s never liked dresses, they aren’t for her – _but_ _man_ , _they are_ for Lexa. She likes them on Lexa. (She'll like it better off.) Again, her lips part and her breath is stolen by her view.

 

“What is it?” Lexa asks in a low voice as Clarke’s eyes mercilessly wander over her form, causing her to shiver. She unpins the commander’s sash dropping it to the floor and leaving her, just Lexa, Clarke’s wife, and Clarke’s home, before her.

 

 

Clarke purrs in her next breath, “Just trying to absorb this view ...because I’m about to rip that dress to shreds…”

 

 

Lexa’s eyes darken along with Clarke’s at her words and Lexa tilts her head coyly, lowering her left shoulder so the strap begins to fall. Clarke’s heart roars, her stomach flips, and heat coils in her belly before her sex becomes flooded…

 

 

“Stop.” Clarke says, as Lexa is about to pull the strap completely. She freezes, raising a suggestive brow at Clarke. The blonde growls, “I meant what I said.” She steps forward, “I am,” another step, “going to rip,” another step, “that dress," a final step,  "to shreds.”

 

 

Lexa’s lips part at her words and Clarke hoists her up, hands pushing the dress back off her thighs as they wrap around Clarke’s waist. The kiss is anything but soft in that moment. It’s raw need, teeth and tongue. Clarke sucks on Lexa’s lower lip squeezing her ass, fingernails digging in to both fabric of the dress and bare skin. Clarke purrs into Lexa’s mouth on the contact because _sweet Jesus,_ Lexa’s not wearing underwear.

  

Mouths detach, Clarke hears her name lustfully whispered out by Lexa as she tugs on her neck. Clarke can’t take it anymore, she hastily moves them back towards the bed, gently lowering Lexa down and leaning back a final time. Her wife's lips are swollen, her eyes are dark and lidded, and her dress is hiked up exposing the tiniest view of what Clarke needs to see the most.

  

Her heart is racing; it feels like it could fly out of her chest.

 

She’s sure Lexa exposed and needy like this, will be the death of her.

 

What a way to go.

 

She surges forward grabbing the dress at Lexa’s hips and ripping it straight up the middle exposing her in all her glory. She’s lets out a guttural moan and buck of her hips at the action and Clarke’s lips land on her own as her hands grip bare thighs and ass again. Clarke gently lays on top of her grinding her hips into Lexa and eliciting a soft whimper. Lexa’s back comes off the bed and Clarke pushes the destroyed dress off of her arms, freeing her completely. Lexa’s hands are tugging at Clarke’s clothes but the blonde only gives in as much as pulling her top garments off leaving her in leather pants and bindings.

 

“I need you,” Clarke says in Lexa’s ear before nibbling on the lobe. She moves down her neck, to her collarbone, tracing every line and angle she can with her tongue. “You’re perfect Lex. I need it. I need you. Now.” Her hands press firmly against breasts causing Lexa to arch her back at the contact and whimper out her name.

 

 Clarke’s lips leave trails of fire along Lexa’s skin moving ever lower before round supple breasts and finally clicking her tongue against a taught nipple. Her other hand continues it’s motions, she quickly licks her finger before continuing to suck and toy with the nipple in her mouth while her fingers mimic her motions on the other nipple. Lexa is all pants and trembles under her attention, her hands tangle in Clarke’s hair pulling her closer and never having her close enough. Clarke lets her nipple go with a wet pop before moving to the other, her other hand coming up to play with the swollen bud her mouth just left.

  

Clarke continues the slow grind of her hips while Lexa bucks frantically looking for pressure. Clarke hums against her nipple before letting it go and trailing kisses down her stomach. She traces her hipbones carefully, slowly building her up and never touching where she needs it most. Lexa’s panting is heard loud in her ear as she's moaning and writhing beneath her.

  

“Clarke-”

 

_Finally._

 

 “Do you think you’re wet enough for me?” Clarke smirks laying a sensual kiss right above her sex.

 

But, two can play at that game; and Lexa pushes her needy desire at Clarke full force, causing the flood gates in her own pants to release. Clarke groans pleasurably into Lexa’s pelvis, “That was unfair.”

 

“All is fair in love and war Clarke,” Lexa husks grabbing a fistful of hair and pulling her up to lay a fierce kiss on her lips. She rips her head back and looks at Clarke with black eyes, _“Now. Ai houmon, take me_.”

 

Clarke obliges in a split second, no longer able to deny either of them. She hoists Lexa’s legs up, bending at the knee as she lowers down her body and swings them over her shoulders. She dives in, laying one deep satisfying stroke straight through Lexa’s wetness with a deep moan. The girl bucks beneath her and Clarke holds her hips down trying to control the pace.

  

The slight rock of the ocean moving the barge is nothing to how Clarke makes that hut shake.

 

Clarke laps up every inch of Lexa’s wetness. She flicks her tongue against her clit, traces ‘I love you’s’ at her entrance and dives deep with a plunging tongue into her. Lexa gyrates against her face, hips bucking wildly; anchoring fists into Clarke’s hair trying desperately to let Clarke work but also reach the goal. It's a deliciously dangerous struggle. They both want it to last and end all at once.

  

“Clarke, _beja!”_

 

Clarke hums against her clit and she’s rewarded with a fresh wave of hot sticky mess on her chin. Clarke licks and licks, she sucks and nibbles, until finally, she plunges in deep again  and curling her tongue. She feels Lexa flutter around her tongue and she releases her hips from her hold, legs still over her shoulders, finally letting Lexa control the situation.

 

Immediately, Lexa’s legs try to clamp against her head and draw her in deeper. Clarke can’t stifle the moan with anything but Lexa’s folds around her tongue. Her wife bucks frantically against her face and Clarke could die right now and thinks it would definitely be worth it. She grabs Lexa’s ass cheeks firmly, fingernails digging in pulling her closer wanting to give her what she needs. She’s close and Clarke’s feeling every second of her pleasure now, Lexa is so wet and whimpering. So gorgeous, so delicious. So perfect and coming undone around her.

  

She is shaky and trembling, fingernails scratching Clarke’s scalp as she is carried closer to the edge.

 

 “Mmm, _fuck Lexa._ You are incredible.” Clarke says when she takes a breath and chances a look up. Lexa’s eyes are glued to hers, parted swollen lips and panting, “You taste so good _niron_. Come for me, Lex.” She dives back in and Lexa’s eyes stay glued to her own. A hand detaches from her head and finds her own, entwining their fingers as Lexa effectively fucks herself on Clarke’s face.

  

A second later and she’s screaming out for her in panting excess, “ _Clarke_!! mmm, _Clarke!”_

 

Her hips are bucking, her hand in Clarke’s gripping white knuckled, her other pulling hair and pulling Clarke closer. The blonde is moaning into her, feeling every pulse, every flicker and tingle in the woman above her. When Lexa finally begins slowing down her motions on the blondes face, Clarke takes her time cleaning up the mess with a fucking smile on her face. She savours, she indulges, and is careful to be tender and affectionate, not teasing to Lexa’s sensitive areas. _For now._

 

Clarke trails kisses up Lexa’s bare legs, she lingers at the navel, dips over her left side, tenderly kissing her freshly made mark, and finally finding purchase on sweet puckered lips. Lexa moans as she tastes herself on Clarke’s tongue and the blonde engulfs her in strong arms.

  

Between heavy breaths and languid kisses Lexa shifts, she pushes Clarke to lie back and climbs on top. She straddles the blonde, slick folds meeting thick leather pants and making her groan at the contact. Lexa’s tongue traces Clarke’s bottom lip, her hands begin pushing and kneading her breasts through her bindings.

 

“Off. _OFF. Jesus,_ Lex, take it off,” Clarke whines arching forward chasing Lexa’s lips to sit up. The brunette complies unbinding her in a flash and hands finding the good earth cleavage she often stares at. Clarke and Lexa groan in approval as Lexa pushes her back to lie flat, palms grazing nipples before her fingertips begin toying playfully. Her tongue delves deeper into Clarke’s mouth before parting for air. Eyes connect and the candles in the hut flare under Clarke’s gaze, Lexa's light encompasses them, the blonde arches, her neck rears back, exposing it for Lexa.

  

Lexa moves instinctively licking at Clarke’s exposed neck, suckling at her pulse point and hands pushing at the hem of her pants before rounding and grabbing her hips. Lexa can’t help but grind down on her again as passion erodes her senses when Clarke arches into her and her teeth graze her neck. Clarke growls and Lexa matches it with one of her own before clamping down, teeth puncturing lightly, small traces of iron releases as she then sucks hard.

 

 _“Lex!”_ Clarke moans in pleasurable pain as she feels her love bite and soothing tongue. Her hands delve into thick locks and braids pulling her closer. Lexa’s tongue flicks out to sooth the mark some more and then trails burning scorches down her collarbone. Lexa teases the soft pillow like mounds around her chin, pushing Clarke’s breasts to either cheek with her hands and taking a deep breath of all that is Clarke. Lexa could die in this valley, in the shadow of Clarke's mountains, and that would be okay by her. The blonde arches her back into her hands and face, hands still buried deep in auburn locks.

 

 Lexa licks and kisses Clarke’s breasts, toying the nipples until they’re thoroughly taught and swollen from her mouth. Her hands roam freely, tenderly burning and eliciting goose bumps on Clarke's skin. Finally, her mouth leaves Clarke’s breasts and begin lavishing her taught stomach and fluttering abs. Soft puffs of air leaving her wife with every kiss and light touch.

 

Lexa takes her time, teasing, and driving Clarke crazy in the best fucking way. The blonde’s pants are still on, she bucking like crazy, Lexa’s naked body still keeping her down.

 

Finally, mercifully, Lexa begins unstrapping Clarke’s thigh daggers, she’s sensual and careful, her hands purposefully grazing Clarke’s inner thighs causing her to whimper and close her eyes.

  

Then she moves to the pant's ties. Her hands pause, fingertips teasing Clarke’s hip bones, fingernails gently digging in.

  

“Look at me Clarke,” Lexa husks, face an inch away from the ties.

 

Sapphire blue eyes flare open at the command to find her wife an inch from where she needs her, thick leather separating them from the spot she wants her. Lexa smirks, darkened eyes flaring as her mouth lowers, tongue peeking out, scooping the thin leather tie into her mouth between her teeth. She slowly tilts her head back, leather between her teeth, pulling the tie loose with such a fucking smoldering smirk it causes a fresh new wave of wetness to flush through Clarke who can’t contain the sensual moan.

 

 _“Jesus, Lex,_ you are sexy as fuck.”

  

“Mmm,” Lexa says finishing with the tie and pulling Clarke free from her leather pants. She tosses them behind her as she immediately presses Clarke’s legs open, wide eyed and sharply inhaling a breath when she sees just how wet Clarke is for her. She licks her lips, “Clarke. _That_ is sexy. _You_ are sexy.”

  

Clarke’s eyes roll into the back of her head at Lexa’s shameless desire that courses through her at her words, she bucks sending Lexa growling as she latches her lips to Clarke’s own and pressing their naked bodies flush. Clarke hums when Lexa grinds down, her thigh slipping between her own. Lexa bucks against her as Clarke returns the favour easily hitting her in delighted pressure that sends tingle through both of them.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa says huskily against her lips, “do you trust me?”

 

Clarke’s eyes open to find Lexa’s own, there’s a moment of vulnerability that Clarke quickly destroys as she cups Lexa’s face tenderly capturing her lips. “I trust you more than I trust myself _niron_.”

  

“Clarke.” Lexa whispers against her lips again, this time, soft, worshipfully, like it’s all she ever needed was Clarke’s unwavering trust. She leans back kissing Clarke’s cheeks, her jaw, her neck. She leans back to catch Clarke’s eye and swallows, “I was… informed that this was enjoyable to both parties…” she started and hesitates when Clarke smirks at her nerves.

 

The blonde raises on one elbow, reaching with the other hand to brush hair behind Lexa’s ear, “You are adorable, but this isn’t necessary Lex. I trust you. I am yours, whatever you want to try lets do it…” She waits a moment for Lexa’s lips to twitch and the vulnerability to abate as she leans into Clarke’s touch. “Even if you heard that this is ‘enjoyable’ from Luna, Octavia or Raven,” she teases leaning forward and kissing her wife’s cheek.

 

 “Clarke,” Lexa groans playfully.

 

“Come here,” Clarke says cupping the back of her neck and connecting their lips. She easily deepens the kiss getting them back on track. Their naked bodies begin moving again, slick folds rubbing against bare thighs and soft whimpers and moans escaping both lips like a sensual dance. Their hands roam, gently tracing unsaid love letters on their skin, bodies speaking more than words ever could.

  

Clarke feels Lexa make her move rising and turning to straddle her, her body moves easily and Clarke is greeted with the most sensually smooth motion of Lexa’s wet sex trailing from her pelvis… to her chest… to perching right above her face… ass first, knees at her shoulder. She barely has time to register the guttural moan she lets out at the sight of glistening folds before Lexa’s tongue delves into her own.

  

“Lexa!”

 

“ _Mmm_ , Clarke. You taste so fucking good.”

 

Clarke’s eyes roll into to back of her head as Lexa’s tongue works magic on her. It takes her way too long to come back to her senses and finally get what she is craving. Lexa.

 

She pulls the girl towards her, eagerly licking at slick folds and setting to work. It’s hard to concentrate. It’s hard to focus on her tongue moving as Lexa makes her quake beneath her tongue. Eventually, after several deep moans into Lexa’s pussy does Clarke give up on concentrating. She sticks her tongue out, no longer fighting Lexa’s own bucking hips or trying to control her own, she simply lets Lexa pleasure her and herself on Clarke.

 

There is muffled moans of names, ‘ _ai houmon’s’, ‘_ oh my god’s’ deep into each other. Clarke is so close and so wet and so turned on she feels like she’s on fire.

  

And then it happens.

 

Lexa might actually kill her.

 

 She feels her heart stop and restart.

  

Her fingers dive deep into Clarke at an angle she hasn’t experienced before; that and the mix of Lexa’s tongue relentlessly teasing her clit send Clarke over the edge, to the moon and back to the bed again.

 

“ _Lexa_! Lex. Jesus. Yes!! YES!! FUCK, Lex!!” She screams out diving back into Lexa’s pussy, her tongue delving deeper than before, Lexa’s walls clench around her as she moans into Clarke’s folds and they come together. They go flinging into the sun, set on fire and thrown into the ice of deep space all at once.

 

They gyrate, pulse, and rock again each other as they ride out the waves of pleasure. Their hands grip each other like they’re floating through air; the only thing existing is the two of them. It’s just Clarke and Lexa. Finally, they slow, they comes down from burning in the sun and after several small sweet kisses they both come up giggling, giddy and thoroughly blissful.

 

Clarke pulls at Lexa, smoothly shifting her so she’s flush against her chest. She reaches up, her thumb tracing wet swollen lips, “I love you Lex.” She kisses her tenderly, moaning at the tantalizing mix of her and Lexa on her tongue.

  

 _“Ai hod yu in, Clarke kom Skaikru,”_ Lexa whispers as their lips finally part, “ _ai houmon.”_

  

Clarke’s eyes flutter closed at the word and the reverence in which it was said. She swallows back at the emotion but can’t help the tear that escapes her eye when she opens them to find dark forests awaiting her.

  

Again, the world stops, just for a moment. Just for them.

 

“ _Ai houmon,”_ Clarke repeats in a soft breath, just as reverently as every single ounce of love she has for Lexa lands on her all at once, the taste of her still in her mouth.

 

She stares in wonder at the woman who stole her heart and replaced it with her own. Here she is, a goddess among men, strikingly beautiful, powerful beyond measure, but so wonderfully pure of heart and kind, lying in Clarke’s arms - _as her wife._

  

How do you even articulate the magnitude of that?

 

You can’t.

  

Which is why silence encompasses them and the intense feelings are shared between them, spoken in silence between loving eyes. No words are needed.

  

They never were with them.

  

Their hands trace each other’s new leather binding cuffs, as silent loving tears of gratitude and joy make their way softly from eyes, to cheeks to chins and shoulders and chests.

 

Passion is intensity. Desire is biology.

  

Love is love is love is love is love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay but... don't look at me that was both tragically gay and beautiful. I blame you, not Jason, he doesn't deserve this.


	58. Marital Heda Sin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I did very little with this other than tweak it sooooo Thanks to Ashley for helping a bro out and giving the dirty thirsty's what they wanted.

 

An hour or so later and a blissful, naked nap later Clarke detaches from Lexa’s side.

 

It was blissful and innocent until it wasn’t; she woke abruptly from a _very_ provocative dream. One she knows was not guided by her - but was guided by _Wanheda_. She marches outside, still naked, taking deep breathes into the late night ocean air. She shuts her eyes, chin raised to the sky as she tries to calm herself and wrangle the innate desire _Wanheda_ has.

 

Clarke breathes out slowly, trying to release the tension and heat pooling in her stomach. She shivers as she struggles and heads back inside. She watches Lexa’s peaceful form for a minute; thinking of her in that beautiful dress… the one that now lies tattered on the floor… the one she vividly remembers ripping off her… exposing taught abs and smooth… _oh god,_ her eyes flare as desire pools again and she yanks on _Wanheda’s_ leash before turning to the small wardrobe and grabbing her next gift for Lexa…

 

It’s the blue silk negligée from Luna that slips over her skin smoothly and hugs just below her ass cheeks. She then grabs the black fishnet stockings she made her. Clarke slowly slips them on and steps back with heat flushing her skin and pooling in her stomach. She looks down at her legs, her hands press against the delicate fabric laying on her abs, she really wishes she had a…

 

God, if Luna was here she could kiss her.

 

There in the corner, is exactly what she needs - a floor length mirror was placed in the corner of the tent. Clarke looks at herself in the mirror, turning and making sure she looks good at every angle. She fusses with her sex hair and touches at her makeup. Then she feels a heat in her belly and wetness in her centre that is not her own; over her shoulder in the mirror’s reflection, she catches Lexa’s green eyes, black and lidded at the sight of Clarke.

 

 

For a moment they are locked in the reflection. Then Clarke feels and sees Lexa’s eyes roam down to the small peaks of her ass cheeks that peek out from beneath the blue silk and lead to inches of bare thigh before sultry black nets encompass her muscular legs.

 

 

She silently thanks Luna again and again while _Wanheda_ purrs in satisfaction.

 

 

Clarke swallows hard fighting everything in her body and _in addition_ – everything she’s feeling from Lexa. The brunette is biting her lip and shifting on her feet in anticipation; a wondrous mix of _Heda_ and Lexa, just… _watching her_ \- it’s not helping anything right now. This is a losing battle, Clarke can tell already…

 

 

And just like that, in that moment of realization, _Wanheda’s_ eyes leave Lexa and immediately take in her surroundings. On either side of the mirror there were two posts, the perfect distance apart. The wood ran the length of the hut.

 

 

Clarke stopped. Her head tilted to the side. Her mouth forming from a thin pressed line to a predatory smirk as her eyes go from blue to almost black. Suddenly, the dream _Wanheda_ initiated became a very… very real possibility, like she had already done the calculations, like she had already seen this coming. Her muscles tighten with each deep breath and she rolls her neck.

 

 

Lexa stood now quietly, slightly behind Clarke, watching and _feeling_ the slight change that’s taking place within her wife. Lexa knew what was happening; _Heda_ knew what was happening and she was patiently waiting. Lexa could feel _Wanheda_ slipping into the room, could feel the battle Clarke was needlessly waging within. Her mind raced back to that night in her room, _their room;_ unconsciously, her body began to react to the memories of _Wanheda_ taking charge. A heat formed in her stomach and worked its way down to her center. She clenches her thighs in anticipation and forces her eyes shut trying not to swoon as much as she is, trying to maintain a little dignity and not drool…

 

 

Slowly, Wanheda struts over to the posts. Her fingers gently stoke the grain of the wood. Her eyes lock onto Lexa's again through the mirror. Lexa’s gaze drops to _Wanheda’s_ fingers stroking the posts over and over again. She’s purposefully sending her lust to Clarke now in waves. She wants her to know that she's interested in whatever _Wanheda_ is thinking.  _Heda,_ is watching intently, daring her with her eyes.

 

 

 _Wanheda's_ hands tighten on each pole. Her gaze stays on Lexa as she pulls, to ensure the post would hold. Once satisfied she speaks, "Lexa do you remember my rules?" 

 

 

At those words, Lexa almost died, she freaking swooned. Drooled. _Dripped_. 

 

 

 _Heda_ merely growled, _finally._ Her mind flooded with racy scenarios.

Clarke clicks her tongue, “ _Lexa_.”

 

 

Lexa snaps out of the various images that were flashing through her mind, " _Sha_ , commander."

 

 

"Good. When can you touch me?"

 

 

"Only when you tell me to, commander."

 

 

"And when can you come, Lexa?"

 

 

"When you give me permission."

 

 

Clarke's eyes shoot up. Catching Lexa’s mistake. 

 

 

Lexa smirks, _Heda_ tilts her head innocently.

 

 

(She knows exactly what she did; you might even say she did it on purpose.)

 

 

(She did do it on purpose.) 

 

 

 _Wanheda_ roars to life and Clarke's okay with it, she sees the challenge her _Heda_ is giving her and she’s not about to back down. She recognizes they are each a part of her. She knows _Wanheda_ will never do anything to hurt her wife. They all fit together in a beautiful puzzle that just works for them. 

 

 

 _Wanheda_ heads over to the furs. She picks up the other negligee Luna had given them and hands it to Lexa. She's been dying to get her into this since they received it. It's a beautiful green nightgown that will reveal just enough of Lexa’s ass to make her weak in the knees.  

 

 

"Put this on and then go stand in front of the mirror." 

 

 

" _Sha_ , commander" 

 

 

While Lexa follows orders _Wanheda_ heads to the trunk she had brought earlier that day. She pulls out the supplies she thinks they'll need. By the time she stands, Lexa is waiting. 

 

 

"Grab the poles Lexa." And almost as an after thought she orders, "spread your legs as well." 

 

 

Lexa moves her hands into position and reluctantly opens up her stance placing her feet shoulder width apart. Her eyes roll over her body in the mirror from head to toe. She swallows as she recognizes the position of one she made Clarke take on the balcony… _Heda’s_ eyes flash in need with the memory and her body freezes as she senses Clarke perhaps remembering the same…

 

 

Clarke moves behind her, she stands just millimeters away. Her breaths are causing her nipples to jet out just enough to graze Lexa’s back sending shivers through the brunette.

 

 

They lock eyes through the mirror. 

 

 

"Do you trust me?" 

 

 

" _Always,_ _commander_." 

 

 

 _Wanheda_ grabs some of the supplies she gathered and carefully places a piece of fabric on Lexa’s skin. She starts at Lexa’s thighs. She quickly brushes the fabric across Lexa’s center hoping to catch a drop of her sex. The fabric brushed over her ass, up her back and across her shoulder.

 

 

 _Wanheda_ gently scrapes the fabric across the golden skin of the women before her, Lexa’s skin tingles and tenses with each touch. She makes her way down her arm to her elbow. And then further up to her forearm. Finally, _Wanheda_ reaches Lexa’s wrist. From here, Lexa realizes it's her commander’s sash. The red fabric is undeniably hers and it's undeniably damp in a few spots. She's pulled from her thoughts when _Wanheda_ pulls the fabric taught against her skin. 

 

 

She's being restrained. Restrained and there is absolutely zero fear. She finds it incredible sexy. 

 

 

Bondage? Bondage is new…

 

 

There’s a part of Lexa’s mind that mentally takes stock. This part of her knows that, unlike Lexa, Clarke would not get a rush from being restrained and _Wanheda_ would really not appreciate it. It would hit too close to home, she’s been that vulnerable too many times. This is _Wanheda_ using it in a sensual and safe way. This is a way for Clarke to take control without lives on the line and Lexa lose control without fear of consequences.

 

 

By the time she's processed these new truths she finds her other wrist tied to the opposite pole. This wrist is tied with _Wanheda’s_ sash.

The mix of sash’s being used to hold her tight only reaffirms her thoughts; reaffirms their truths. Both arms are hanging from the poles and it’s _Wanheda_ and _Heda_ that are holding her in place. 

 

 

 _Wanheda_ smirks at Lexa when she feels her excitement roll of the woman. She feels everything Lexa is feeling and _Wanheda_ is well aware of how turned on her wife is by this particular display.

 

 

"Look at you" _Wanheda_ breathes. "Look at how fucking amazing you look." She drops to her knees and gently traces slow fingers from one ankle, up to the knee, to the inner thigh before gently raising to a soft ass cheek and giving it a small pat making Lexa jump slightly.

 

 

 _Wanheda_ stands. Her fingers lightly trace Lexa’s skin below her ass. Then, ghosting over all her sensitive places, tracing her spine all the way up her neck and across her jawline. One hand lands on Lexa’s tight abs through the thin silk and the other pulls Lexa’s hips back into her. 

 

 

Lexa can barely contain the shudders that started rippling through her body and the shaky breaths that escape her parted lips.

 

 

 _Wanheda_ reaches up and gently palms her breast, finger burning her skin through the silk fabric.

 

 

"Oh, God" Lexa breathes out, her eyes fluttering closed. 

 

 

"Open your eyes. I want you to watch me." 

 

 

 _Wanheda_ grips Lexa’s breast harder. Her fingers grasping onto her nipple and twisting, the fine line between pleasure and pain blurring seductively. The hand that's been palming Lexa’s hip dips lower, right below the bottom of the negligee. Her fingers play with the material. 

 

 

"Watch me Lexa"

 

 

 _Wanheda’s_ lips begin their decent on Lexa’s soft skin. Her teeth lightly scraping. Lightly nipping. 

 

 

Lexa’s eyes stay glued to _Wanheda_. Staring back at their reflection. 

 

 

She sways when _Wanheda’s_ fingers slip over her centre. Tracing her sex. 

 

 

"You are so fucking wet for me Lexa" 

 

 

She arches with another whimper while Wanheda’s fingers move a little quicker across her clit.

 

 

" _Fuck_ , commander, _beja_..." 

 

 

 _Wanheda_ drops Lexa’s taught nipples and brings her hand swiftly across Lexa’s ass, spanking her for trying to rush her. She must wait. The hand on her clit slows ever so slightly.

 

 

Lexa sways in pleasure, her body moving with the pace of _Wanheda’s_ fingers on her clit, wrists pulling on the sash’s.

 

 

She loves this side of Clarke. She loves when Clarke believes in herself, finds herself powerful on her own. _Just her_ \- no blades, no armies, no back up, no life and death decisions. _Wanheda_ is Clarke; she’s just more self-assured and Lexa loves when the fine stud comes out and takes her burdens, her responsibility, if even for a moment allowing her to not have to think – just to feel.

 

 

 _Wanheda_ presses them forwards; Lexa’s ties are pulled tighter, her body so close to the mirror her breath is fogging the glass. 

 

 

Two fingers thrust into Lexa, while the other hand cups her breast through the nighty. Her pussy is more than wet and ready one again; she easily takes both. With each thrust _Wanheda_ pushes further, slightly stretching Lexa for the first time since they bonded. Pushing her just a little further to the edge. 

 

 

Over and over again she thrusts to the exquisite whimpers and moans from her wife.

 

 

Wetness clapping against skin, preparing her wife for what's next, because this, this is just the beginning. 

 

 

Their eyes are still locked onto one another. _Wanheda's_ palm makes contact with her clit and Lexa’s eyes turn wild. A sign she's close to the edge. 

 

 

Each whimper and every moan has made Clarke a wet mess as well. This is her wife. Her wife is coming undone for her. It's so incredibly sexy. This position. This outfit. All of it is almost too much. For a moment she considers finishing her off. Giving her that release and giving in to her own desire to hear, see and feel her come undone.

 

 

But then she remembers. And her fingers reluctantly pull out of her wife's pussy. 

 

 

Lexa moans in protest. 

 

 

 _Wanheda_ answers her wife by bringing those fingers to her lips, eyes still glued to each other. Letting Lexa watch her sucking at the taste of Lexa; slowly, meticulously, not wanting to miss a drop. Craving the taste of her wife. 

 

 

Lexa is transfixed, watching her wife taste her. 

 

 

 _Wanheda_ turns from the mirror to find the rest of her supplies and returns to a very frustrated and patient wife. She pulls Lexa close from behind. And rocks her hips gently against her wife's perfectly toned ass. 

 

 

Lexa’s eyes widen in surprise. 

 

 

 _Wanheda_ smirks and clicks her tongue, "Did you really think I'd leave you that close if it wasn't for a good reason?" 

 

 

Lexa blushes and breaks eye contact. Her breath caught in her throat. 

 

 

 _Wanheda_ pulls away. She reaches up and pulls Lexa’s ties free. Lexa’s hands drop and she rolls her shoulders. She completely freezes at the sight before her. 

 

 

 _Wanheda_ stands before her wearing the strap on, fishnets and nothing else. The negligee long forgotten.

 

 

Lexa can't move. She can't breathe. Her mouth is so dry. She can't think. She's so incredibly turned on, she knows one wrong move will mean a punishment. She's not willing to wait another second for _Wanheda_ to fill her. So she waits for _Wanheda's_ orders. 

 

 

 _Wanheda_ approaches her wife, strutting. She smirks and reaches for her wife’s ass. Her fingers trail lightly before she grips the silk garment and fucking tears that one off too. She shreds her free of it instantly, leaving her bare, wet trembling and waiting. Her hands grip and she hoists her into her arms. Their lips collide as Lexa’s arms and legs wrap around _Wanheda_ , slick wetness covering toned abs at the contact and causing both to moan. She walks them to their furs. She carefully lowers Lexa, their kiss heated and sloppy but never breaking. 

 

 

Lexa finally parts just enough to ask, " _Heda,_ may I?"

 

 

" _Sha_ , Lex." 

 

 

Lexa’s hands move at the speed of light, clamping onto _Wanheda’s_ breasts, pulling nipples and rolling sensitive skin. 

 

 

Lexa pushes _Wanheda_ and eventually flips them. Her tongue flings across skin. Her teeth grip and scrape. Her decent is clear. 

 

 

She catches nipples in teeth. 

 

 

Her tongue flies down abs, trailing her own wetness that’s been left there.

 

 

And she sucks on _Wanheda’s_ hipbones. Nipping and soothing as she goes.

 

 

She looks up. Eyes lock. And _Wanheda’s_ head tilts to the side. Her mind races, would Lexa....even know about THAT...

 

 

Lexa can see the question written on _Wanheda’s_ face. Her mouth lowers. A small smirk plays on her own lips; her inner _Heda_ coming through, pushing _Wanheda_ to the brink now. She licks them. Parting them ever so slightly. And then her mouth opens around _Wanheda's_ toy and she takes her in. Slowly licking the head of the toy and gently sucking. Her head bobs, pushing the toy into _Wanheda’s_ clit; the pressure building instantly. _Wanheda's_ hands fly into Lexa’s hair keeping her in place. She's so close.

 

 

It only takes a few more bobs for her to come undone. Lexa shyly pulls the toy from her mouth, peering at her wife. A fine dance between _Heda_ and Lexa as she watches her pant for breath.

 

 

 _Wanheda_ pulls Lexa up her body, lips crashing together. She flips them, taking control again.

 

 

 _Wanheda_ positions herself at Lexa’s opening. She gently guides herself into her wife. She slowly pushes in, easily thanks to literally everything leading up to this moment.

 

 

She listens to the sounds coming from Lexa. Waiting for silent permission to push the rest of the way in. After Lexa has time to adjust she pushes all the way in. The base of the strap on slapping against Lexa’s wetness. 

 

 

Lexa lets out a soft moan, her eyes fluttering closed. The pressure is just enough. _Wanheda_ inside of her like this is better than she ever imagined. Clarke gently rocks her hips, pulling herself out of Lexa just to push back in again. They're both panting. Both covered in a light sheen of sweat.

 

 

In and out. Over and over again, she thrusts. Powerful, but not wild, controlled, but not weak. Perfect.

 

 

The base of the strap rocking into her clit. Again and again. Lexa’s nails dig into Wanheda's back, pushing and pulling with the pace. She's too close. 

 

 

 _Wanheda_ slows down. Her thrusts become more forceful. She slowly pulls almost all the way out and pushes all the way back in to the hilt, hard and fast. But somehow slow at the same time. Almost as if each thrust will brand Lexa as hers. It's not long before Lexa's teeth sink into her shoulder again, crying out in orgasmic bliss. _Wanheda_ follows her, the sounds of her wife and the toy riding her clit perfectly causing her to cry out as well.

 

 

Her mouth quickly finds Lexa’s. She kisses her wife with every ounce of love she feels. She's pushing that feeling to her wife. 

 

 

Gently she pulls herself out of Lexa. She removes the strap and pulls Lexa close trailing kisses wherever she can reach.

 

 

But Lexa isn't done.

 

 

Her teeth sink into Clarke's bottom lip. A soft whimper escapes her. She climbs on top of Clarke. It's her turn to try something new. 

 

 

She slips into her wife. Her wetness allowing her to glide on Clarke. She wants to feel her wife. 

 

 

Wetness hits wetness. 

 

 

Her clit brushes against Clarke's. 

 

 

"Oh fuck" Clarke moans. 

 

 

Her breathing is shallow and short. Lexa’s whole body shakes at the contact. They grind into one another. 

 

 

"Clarke, look at me. _Please_."

 

 

Clarke's eyes open. 

 

 

"Together, Clarke. I need you… _with me_." It’s a loaded comment, it stretches far beyond this moment. It is clear it is both Lexa and _Heda_ saying it.

 

 

Clarke's nods, she so overwhelmed she can't possibly speak. 

 

 

Lexa rolls her hips. Clarke grinds up. Together they move their bodies. So close. So intertwined so intimate. Eyes locked. Breathing in time. They come again, at the same time. And they feel each other release. 

 

 

Lexa falls into Clarke arms, limp, ragged breaths shared. Warmth radiating through them, candles flaring, and Lexa’s light encompassing them both.

 

 

“So,” Lexa murmurs against Clarke’s bare chest as she listening to her lionheart, “have you decided?”

 

“Mmm? Decided on what?” Clarke’s sleepy murmur comes back to her.

 

“If you want to thank them or kill them for the gift…”

 

Clarke laughs loudly and pulls her closer before laying a long kiss on the crown of her head, “Thank them. _Definitely,_ thank them.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Plot? What Plot?
> 
>  
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed all that because this is going to get a little crazy again.


	59. Bitter Tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little fluffy bunny plot pushing gettin me back on track right meow

 

The first morning Lexa wakes up to Clarke as her wife she is a little stunned. Not stunned that it happened, more stunned in how it feels holding her and being held by her. 

 

Nothing has changed but it has…

 

 A lot feels the same; Clarke's warm body pressed against her own feels the same. The soft puffs of air on her neck feel the same, the hand clinging to her own feels the same, Clarke's small fist embedded in Lexa's hair feels the same, and the bare skin her other hand gently strokes is the same delicate flesh as always...

 

 But things are not the same.

 

The warm body against her chest is her  _wife’s_  body. The soft puffs of air are her  _wife's_  breaths. The hand in her own is her  _wife's_  hand complete with wedding ring and leather cuff,  _bound_. The delicate skin she touches is her  _wife's_  skin. The fist in her hair is her  _wife's_  treasured hold.

 

 _Houmon_.

 

That one word is incredibly influential; so powerful, so emboldening, so exhilarating that Lexa can't help but lay here with Clarke in her arms and let it sink in to the fullest extent. It seeps into her bones, pumps through her veins and thumps her heart even faster. 

 

It's subtle, at least, at first. It's something that settles, like a warm syrup or burning liquor that invades your insides and makes you tingle. It sneaks up on you - the changes, the different feeling, the different weight you feel; it's not heavy, it's more like a warm fur laying on top of you both keeping you safe and warm. That cuff on your wrist is not heavy but it is, it is freeing and yet binding; a total contradiction, just like love.

 

To describe what she’s feeling is difficult. To put it into words is a monumental task, she itches to write about it in her journal but it's back in tondc and she won't relinquish this moment with Clarke. She watches the blondes peaceful slumber fondly, eyes trailing to their matching cuffs. It feels like she's ended the longest war of her life and she hasn't seen Clarke in years, the whole thing sort of takes her breath away each time she blinks.

 

 As much as they didn't think it would be different, it is. One word does that. It feels like she’s been given a gift made of porcelain and she holds her as such. It’s like a hot bath that melts away years of grime and blood, leaving her refreshed and  _alive._  Like crawling under the warm furs and the world melting away around her.

 

It just feels like coming home.

 

But then again, Clarke has always been that to her.

 

Clarke has always been  _home._

 

But still, Clarke Griffin as her wife… is home and so much more. It’s sanctuary. It’s restitution. It’s-

 

_That’s not what’s different…_

 

Lexa's eyes trail to her own cuff and Clarke's hand entwined in her own.

 

What’s different is what Clarke being Lexa’s wife means: it means Lexa is Clarke’s wife. 

 

That is what has Lexa feeling like this. That station, that position she holds now is more than being  _Heda_  to the clans, it’s more powerful and means more to her than leading the free world. Being Clarke Griffins wife is everything to Lexa, every piece of responsibility, ounce of pain and power that she could only dream of.

 

Lexa’s never wanted power, she never craved it - she simply accepted it when it chose her- but being Clarke’s wife? Well, Lexa  _wanted that. She craved that. She fought for that. She needed that._

 

There's something that happens when you exchange pledges in front of thousands of your people and loved ones; something that happens when you and the love of your life battle any who oppose you and prevail; something that changes the minute that leather cuff is strapped to your skin, impossible to remove unless cut.

 

 _Houmons_. 

 

Lexa lifts the hand on Clarke lower back to run it through her blonde hair as she presses a kiss to her forehead. The blonde murmurs something unintelligible before Lexa feels the press of her lips on her neck in return. A moment later and the blonde is shifting slightly on top of her.

 

 

Lexa swallows hard when Clarke finally wakes up, crystal clear blue eyes, doe-like and peering up at her. 

 

And as if she heard Lexa’s thoughts she speaks and calls her the one thing Lexa wanted to hear so badly she didn’t even realize it until it happened and the emotions overran her.

 

"Good morning, wife."

 

Lexa's eyes flutter shut and she takes a shaky, gratitude filled, heavenly breath complete with Clarke’s scent invading her senses. It’s an involuntary reaction, one she doesn’t attempt to hide, one she revels in. It just means so damn much to her, she doesn’t blush or turn away when a small tear leaves her left eye and dribbles down her cheek. She wears it proudly.

 

"Hey," Clarke's hand gently presses on her chest, eyes searching, "are you okay?"

  

The tentative voice has green eyes opening with a flash and a huge grin is on Lexa's face, "I am  _more_  than okay, Clarke."

 

"Okay," Clarke says softly as she continues to stare at the green forest before her, hand squeezing Lexa's.

 

There's a bit of silence. It's just loving eyes and gentle fingertips that trace lines and contours on each other. 

 

"Are you okay?" Lexa asks, when she feels Clarke’s emotions shift from a certain bliss to something slightly off. Maybe even fearful.

 

Clarke looks up at her as she twists into a little more comfortable position. "I am Lex. I am … _happy_." She says the last part as a whisper, like it needs to be a secret.

  

Lexa a brow wrinkles and of course she's going to ask, "Why would you whisper that?"

  

Clarke bites her lip. 

 

"Clarke?" Lexa gently prods brushing fingers through her hair.

 

She sighs, unable to resist Lexa's touch. "I'm scared if I say it too loud this will crumble around me. Reduce to ash. I taste the happiness on my tongue and it’s not as it should be, it’s bittersweet…"

 

Lexa's not offended by the statement, she doesn't feel disheartened by anything but Clarke's turmoil, "We are allowed to be happy Clarke."

 

"What if I’m- what if we aren't, what if our karma is so lopsided that we’ll have this ripped away?"

 

Lexa was silent for a few moments watching Clarke closely before she spoke. She’s just trying to understand her words and what she’s saying without actually saying it exactly. It’s something Lexa has always been good at with Clarke,  "You believe you don't deserve to be happy?"

 

Clarke purses her lips before she speaks, "I think I've done a lot of things that should prevent me from feeling it..." she unconsciously touches Lexa’s freshly made mark on her arm.

 

 Lexa watches her carefully, remembering having a talk like this with Kai not long ago, "You think it is wrong or disrespectful to the dead to be happy?"

 

Clarke nods and weakly shrugs, "I know I shouldn't, I know that, but doesn't it make you feel guilty? Sometimes, at least? I feel guilty that I get you, I get to love you, hold you, kiss you, keep you close, be yours and make a life..."

 

Lexa shakes her head with a smile, "I don't feel guilty. I feel honoured, blessed." She’s not angry, she doesn’t take it personally that her wife is troubled on the first morning they are married. She simply understands. Lexa always understands, or at the very least, tries to.

 

Clarke is sensitive to her emotions, she is very attuned to them and they have a way of making her brain work in a different way than Lexa’s; in a way, Clarke always tries to shoulder the weight of everything more so than she should, more so than she needs to.

 

 While Lexa may feel every loss as her own because they are her own and shoulder responsibility when it is her responsibly to shoulder; but Clarke feels and shoulders not only every loss but the  _responsibility_  of every loss, no matter what led to it –  _Commander of Death_  indeed; her title fits her emotionally as well as her person. Clarke does in fact take on the duty of commanding death like the reaper of death from fiction.

 

"I do too. I feel honoured and grateful and honestly,  _ridiculously_  happy…" Clarke says softly, jumping over how scary happiness can be for her, her hand pressing on Lexa’s leather band, "...I just feel guilty for it, like a part of me knows I don't deserve it - happiness, you, us - I don't know what I did to deserve it...  _Wanheda_ , she…" Clarke’s eyes darken slightly.

 

Lexa swallows as she pushes a soft curl behind Clarke's ear, she pauses pushing a soothing calm over Clarke before she says anything. 

 

"Clarke, you deserve everything your heart desires but you and I also know nothing in life is free; you were not  _given_  me or happiness and I was not given you or happiness - we fought for it, we struggled for it, bled for it and we prevailed for it. We will have to continue to fight for each other and for our happiness." She smiles affectionately at her wife, "The ground provides but it is up to us to see it through. You get what you deserve, that happiness you feel is because you work for it, simple as that."

 

Lexa tilts Clarke's chin with her finger and laces a smooth, burning kiss to her lips. Clarke responds passionately, sighing in relief upon contact. The air shifts, Clarke’s mood brightens, she is lighter, she can breathe again and soak in this happiness. There's still a bubble inside her that whispers of concern but she suppresses it for now, she just needs to revel in Lexa. She gives herself that.

 

Clarke hums against her, "How do you always know what to say?"

 

Lexa purrs happily and kisses her again, gently cupping her cheek, "because I'm your wife."

 

 Lexa closes her eyes in the next kiss; butterflies in her belly, fire in her heart and fireworks behind her eyes,  _I’m_   _your wife._

 

Neither try to ignore or hide the emotions that surface and ebb and flow between them at the ease in which it's said. A comfortable silence comes over them again as they both just listen to the matching, fluttering rhythm of their hearts. Eyes roam freely over soft curves, sharp lines and skin that peeks out between the furs.

 

It's just quiet and still for an unmeasured amount of time, they are serene in their heads while they listen to the ocean outside. But after awhile, Lexa can practically hear Clarke's mind whirring again and she watches her curiously, trying to be patient.

 

There are things that Lexa knows about Clarke that she didn't even register that she had taken note of; like how her tongue pokes out between her teeth when she's concentrating, how she bites the bottom right side of her lip when she nervous, how she licks her lips before biting the lower lip fully and slow when she's filled with desire, how she randomly wakes up in the middle of the night just to make sure Lexa's still there...how she’ll adjust often in the night so she can hear her heartbeat or hold her hand… how her lip trembles when she has to leave. How her eyes become stormy grey when she’s burdened…

 

And this is why Lexa knows that Clarke's mind is still troubled. Not only is her tongue making an appearance between her teeth now and then but she's also nibbling on the bottom right of her lip periodically and glancing at Lexa to make sure she's still holding her. That she’s still there keeping her safe.

 

Lexa sighs softly, no longer able (or willing) to ignore her wife’s troubles and her own need to help unburden her. She knows Clarke is trying to keep it inside for fear of ruining their morning and Lexa would normally wait forever for that to happen except for the fact that particular fear of Clarke's in unfounded.

 

She pulls her arm around Clarke a little tighter, "You are still conflicted." She doesn't ask, she comments to gage Clarke's receptiveness to the topic. 

 

Clarke nods against her chest, a soft relieved sigh escaping her and Lexa chuckles internally, of course Clarke was just waiting for her to speak. Just waiting for an invitation. Lexa strokes her hair soothingly before putting weight on her back firming their bodies together.

 

Clarke sighs again and sinks further into her. She feels small, vulnerable against Lexa who immediately adjusts her hold to an even more protective one. She uses her energy and encompasses them in her warm glow to help calm her suddenly restless wife.

 

 Lexa isn't insecure enough to think that Clarke's conflict has much to do with being her wife now, that’s long gone. She knows whatever is really bothering her right now is more, it's convoluted and it's more about  _Clarke_. She can see the internal conflict in the stormy grey in her eyes.

 

She doesn't push her; she knows Clarke will speak to her when she has organized her thoughts; Lexa simply opened the door and is waiting for her to come through it. She holds her tight and keeps her safe while she feels Clarke’s emotions go a little more haywire.

 

"I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with her..." Clarke’s voice is heavy with burden but quiet when it finally gets forced through a single breath.

 

"..." Lexa tilts her head considering Clarke's words, briefly wondering to whom the hell she's referring to, and then it clicks - " _Wanheda_?"

 

Clarke nods, "I feel so strange when I let her take control... Me but not myself..."

 

"Is this about last night?" Okay, maybe she’s a little insecure.

 

Clarke shakes her head, immediately but says "Not really…” she pauses; “I mean it factors in to what I mean but..." She huffs in a bit of frustration. "do you ever feel like that with your  _Heda_  side?"

 

Lexa considers her a moment, blinking once before answering, "I have felt that conflict only a few times; When I first took command, when Costia was taken, when you killed Finn and when I left you on that god forsaken mountain."

 

Clarke watched her for a few moments, "You mean when your head and heart can't agree?"

 

Lexa smiles softly at her understanding and nods, "yes. Essentially."

 

Clarke looks at her intently before scrunching her face, " _Wanheda_  doesn't feel like that kind of conflict...she feels like head  _and_  heart, it’s not a disconnect like that... she's just...it's me, I know it's my doing. I'm scared of her."

 

“I am not afraid of her, I’m actually a big fan of her work," Lexa quips giving her a squeeze and a suggestive squiggle of her brow.

 

That earns her a soft chuckle and a soft pout Lexa thinks is adorable. “Shut up.”

 

Lexa laughs lightly at the small smile that pulls and then remains on Clarke’s lips. She pauses for a moment carefully considering her next words; she doesn’t want to upset Clarke or have her take this the wrong way.

 

 "Have you considered that you fear her because you are afraid that is who you truly are?"

 

To her surprise, there’s no anger, not hurt, no look of betrayal or walls or distancing from her. Instead, Clarke nods and her face falls, her small smile vanishing, replaced with uncertainty in a tight press of lips. Lexa’s heart clenches at the fear and vulnerability she sees again.

 

Lexa looks at her seriously, "Clarke, you are head and heart and  _Wanheda_  is head and heart, they have always worked together with you and that is nothing to fear. I think… I think you find yourself fearing  _Wanheda_  because you doubt your own ability from time to time but you do not doubt her, only her… _methods_ , maybe her  _efficiency,”_  Lexa says gently. “But you do not doubt  _Wanheda_  - she hasn't given you a reason to - you know she is capable."

 

"Maybe..." she says slowly, tongue peeking out between her teeth, furrow between her brow.

 

"Clarke, you misunderstand, it is  _you who is_ capable, you are in control and Wanheda is you but you are not Wanheda..." She continues to gaze at her wife.

 

“Yeah.” Clarke huffs out her next breath. “I keep getting told that… I just. I don’t know, can’t wrap my head around it. Maybe I don't want to...” Clarke sighs, turning her head and pressing her forehead into Lexa’s shoulder, "I don't know what's wrong with me. This shouldn't be how our first morning as wives should be going."

 

Lexa hugs her closer, internally patting herself on the back for knowing that this was a concern of Clarke's, and she runs her hands soothingly on her back and through her hair, "as long as you’re in my arms it is exactly how it should be going Clarke. I don't care about the conversation, I care about you and being with you. That's all I need any morning, any time of day really."

 

“Promise?” Clarke tilts her head to look at her again, the small smile coming back.

 

“Promise. Now why is your brow still furrowed?” Lexa asks pressing her finger to the crease in attempts to smooth it.

 

“We have to go back,” Clarke sighs.

 

“Yes, but  _not yet_.”

 

Clarke brightens up at that, “That’s true.” She flashes a blinding smile at her wife and her eyes go from stormy grey to sky blue to a darkening storm of desire. She swallows and places a flat palm on Lexa’s bare chest, “But when we get back you’re coming with me while I go on a vision quest thing with Beland deal?"

 

Lexa smiles knowingly.

 

“You already knew about that?” Clarke tilts her head.

 

Lexa nods, grinning cockily.

 

“Okay So, what’s that smirk for?” she ask poking her cheek. "It's a little too cocky."

 

“I knew the minute he told me of it what you would decide.”

 

Clarke rolls her eyes before fixing her with a smoldering glare that only made Lexa's heart flutter, “okay smartass, If you know me so well what am I thinking right now?”

 

“That you wish I had another dress for you to rip off and that it’s my turn to use Raven and Octavia’s gift,” Lexa says raising her brows teasingly without missing a beat.

 

She’s not wrong and she uses the gift  _a lot_ that morning.

 

* * *

 

 

That night, Clarke and Lexa are back in TonDC with their friends and family. Most of the union attendees have long headed on their journey's home but the SkaiKru and Trikru remain. Raven is nursing a pretty intense hangover, Octavia has eaten way too much food, Luna got laid –  _a lot,_  Abby said bad words, Kai was adorable, Bellamy and Echo were 'romantically gross' and everyone else had a ripping good time.

 

Clarke and Lexa, along with Luna, Raven, Octavia, and the twins have set out into a clearing and built a roaring fire. The twins are brewing the tea while the company sets up seated around the large fire. Clarke and Lexa sit together on the ground, Raven and Octavia on an overturned tree and Luna on a boulder separating the two pairs. They’re all jovial and light hearted while Clarke is a bundle of nerves and refuses to let Lexa calm her. She doesn't want to be influenced in this, whatever is going to happen.

 

“Okay, so how does this work again?” Clarke asks cautiously watching the flames.

 

She’s nervous. She knows they can all tell. She’s not hiding it well, but the only one that knows why exactly is Beland. She expects to see Claire and Alex but it’s what she doesn’t expect to see that scares her. It's the glimpses that caught her off guard last time Beland listened to her mind that she fears.

 

“You will drink the tea and it will loosen your mind, then you should drift in the veil while your mind, soul and spirit converse.” Beland pauses, watching her nervous hands fidgeting with her clothes. “But again, Clarke I cannot be sure what you will see nor can I guarantee that I will see it all; your mind is different, remember.”

 

“So what do people usually get out of this,” Raven pipes up, her eyes alit with curiosity.

 

“Some see past lives, some converse with themselves across lifetimes, some get glimpses of their future, some find themselves, others lose themselves, or at least who they thought they were…” 

 

“…So you really have no clue where she’ll go?”

 

He shakes his head watching Clarke still and close her eyes to take a steadying breath.

 

“Are there any after affects we should be concerned with, is this safe?” Lexa asks tightening her hold on Clarke’s hip subconsciously.

 

Beland watches them with affection; “Everyone reacts differently. More often than not you can expect some pretty loose behavior before the real effects kick in, probably some light vomiting then her mind will disconnect. They can be extraneous, she will either appear to be sleeping or she will walk. After, she will be tired from both the tea and the journey." 

 

Lexa shifts beside Clarke and Beland watches her look at her concerned.

 

He sighs and rubs the back of his neck from his crouch, "There is always a risk when delving in the worlds of mind and spirit, it is often too complicated for the norm to handle and not have it change them in  _some_  way. I am not exaggerating when I say many lose themselves, the stronger the minds and spirits are the more the risk... But,  _Heda,_ I believe with you here she will be alright.”

 

Lexa gazes at Clarke but nods. She hears his silent words, the ones that her love will keep Clarke,  _clarke_. But she also hears something she thinks Clarke missed, that Clarke risks the chance of losing herself completely, perhaps even to  _Wanheda_.

 

Lexa swallows her wish to suggest they think on this more. This will be Clarke's decision, not hers, she promised to treat Clarke's needs as her own and right now, Clarke needs understanding.

 

Clarke looks at her gratefully when Lexa remains silent despite her tensing at Belands words. “Just stay near me okay?”

 

“Always, Clarke. I will be right here."

 

Clarke bites her lip nervously, and looks to the group. “Okay. Let’s do this soon before I chicken out.” She looks at the other women individually, “You guys are drinking some of this shit too though, you're not just hear to watch so sorry friends, this show comes with a clause. I’m not the only one getting lit and making an ass out of myself tonight.”

 

The twins laugh and get more cups out for the others at their  _Heda’s_  command (demand). “The others can have some, but you will need to drink more to go on the journey.” They begin pouring the tea and handing out cups.

 

“I’m not having any,” Luna says eyeing the tea with disdain. “…I had a bad experience when I was younger.” 

 

Lexa started laughing with a snort, “Oh my God, I forgot about that!”

 

 Luna shot her a glare, “Don’t even think about it, you brat.”

 

“Well, now we have to know,” Octavia prods.

 

“Luna and Anya were sixteen,” Lexa says loudly, ignoring Luna’s protests. “Luna fancied her, swore up and down that Anya returned it. She thought it would be a great idea to make them dinner, really charm her you know, because Anya was making her so  _weak._  Raven you would have loved it, Luna would always look like she wanted to punch and kiss her in frustration whenever they were in the same room together." Lexa blocks the swat directed at her head.

 

"To be fair, she always looked like that too."

 

"To be honest, that was her look in general," Lexa counters with another laugh,"So anyways, she thought Anya and her were just too nervous, they needed to loosen up to each other. She wanted to make her a really  _special_  dinner and then she thought after they could get physical for the first time. Only she didn't mean it to be as special as it turned out..."

 

“Oh no,” Clarke says, about to take a sip of the tea she was handed, cup poised to her chin.

 

“Oh yes. Luna made the mistake of raiding the wrong cupboard of her mother’s and she ended up getting them both knocked off their faces with the peyo herbs.” Lexa’s laughing loudly now, “it did work though, I will give you that Luna. Anya both loved and hated this story because despite her best efforts to ignore her they still ended up rolling around in the furs. Luna, ever the romantic, still tried to get into Anya’s pants and ended up falling unconscious between her legs before anything else could happen!”

 

The group bursts out laughing and Luna blushes but laughs too. Clarke watches her wipe a stray tear, a memory, from her cheek while she finally sips her tea.

 

“Ugh!!! This tastes like…  _ughhh_ ,” Clarke says grimacing at her tea and gagging a bit. The tea was bitter, extremely so, it lingers on the back of her tongue.

 

“Shut up Griffin, it’s not that bad,” Raven sips her tea easily, much to Octavia and Clarke’s dismay. Octavia sniffs hers warily. Lexa sips her tea and shuts her eyes in a silent wince but shrugs when she opens them and cheers Raven through midair. It’s really not that bad, Clarke is so dramatic sometimes.

 

“What happened next?” Octavia asks shivering after her first sip and huffing out a " _woo_ , that's got a bite."

 

“She was so angry with me,” Luna finally admitted laughing along. “I was a nervous eater and apparently indulged more than she did and I left her,” she turns to Raven, “what do you call it again? When I left her wanting?”

 

“Clam-blocked? Blue clam- I guess it would be ‘blue-clammed’ in this sense-”

 

“-That is vulgar.”

 

“-Ugh Rae!”

 

“-Yes, Blue clammed,” Luna says above the others, smiling at Clarke and Lexa’s reactions, Octavia is used to it - she keeps sipping.

 

“Jesus, stop saying ‘clam’ or ‘clammed’ or referring to Anya’s vagina at all, or as a clam,” Lexa groans putting a hand over her eyes, “Oh my god, I’m never eating seafood again!” She takes a big, really big, gulp of the tea.

 

“You started this. You literally brought up Anya’s vagina."

 

“She’s got a point,” Clarke hums, a little bubbly already.

 

“Clarke, you’re my wife, make her stop!"

 

“No way, when the kids are bad they are your kids,” Clarke playfully protests sipping her tea. “Ugh fuck! I keep forgetting how shitty this tastes.”

 

“Serves you right," Lexa nudges her shoulder with her own, a soft grin and mirth in her eyes.

 

Clarke giggles happily under her gaze and leans a little closer. She grins at her wife; tea, impending drug addled harrowing journey be damned, she is having a great time.

 

 Lexa sips the tea again and bops her lightly on the nose with her finger, “you’re adorable.”

 

“Thanks wife,” Clarke tilts her head and brushes her nose against Lexa’s.

 

“You’re welcome wife,” Lexa returns the nose brush and then kisses her.

 

“Here comes that light vomiting,” Raven interrupts to a chorus of laughter that follows. (She stands and bows because she’s a bit of an asshole.)

 

(If Lexa's cup was empty she would have thrown it at her.)

 

It was going to be a long night.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life forgot that I have an obsession, sorry for the delay.
> 
>  
> 
> Fuck you Jason.


	60. Clarke's Journey to The End of The World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My brain hurts.

 

Not long after that, Lexa has downed her tea rather quickly, to everyone’s surprise; she is done even before Raven who finished hers after.

Clarke is struggling along; she actually looks like she's going to vomit. She has resorted to holding her nose as she attempts to down the liquid, eyeing it like it’s the enemy. She wages a silent war with far more intensity than it requires, the tea is already kicking in and a part of her is aware.

"Have my hands always been this large?" Lexa says quietly to herself while staring at her hand, splaying her fingers out in the air. " _Clarke_. Clarke, are my fingers always this long?” she narrows her eyes, “Clarke.  _Clarke._.." She pauses, eyes widening.

"Well that didn't take long to kick in did it?" Luna murmurs delightedly to the twins who chuckle.

"I dunno Lex, lemme see.” Clarke answers a little wobbly as she stares at Lexa’s hand intently with her free hand while taking another sip of her tea. She doesn't remember to plug her nose and grimaces as she swallows. She twists Lexa's hand around for a bit; flapping Lexa’s wrist back and forth with a giggle and then shoves it in Lexa’s face, "look my fingers are long too!"

"Those are still Lexa’s fingers Clarke," Octavia points out with a goofy grin that won’t leave her face. She’s got a tilt to her head that she can’t seem to right, her cup dangling at her fingertips. She already threw up, yet she still drinks her tea.

"Pssst..."  Lexa whispers, reclaiming her hand, pressing it by her mouth before literally shouting "Clarke!" 

"Lexa!" Dopey blue eyes meet dopey green.

"Are we going to have the sex?"

"No!" Raven and Luna interject. Lexa pouts.

Clarke furrows her brow, completely ignoring the tandem refutes and she wonders why they aren't already having the sex. They are married and the sex they have is pretty amazing. “Definitely-" she babbles into her cup as she gulps down the rest of her drink in two big swallows involuntarily shivering at the taste.

She tries to ignore how it makes her head feel heavy and fuzzy and…  _and_  all  _floopy_ …she thinks while absently flicking her hand in the air with the thought and staring at it like its a foreign object. 

(Through her drug addled mind chatter she wonders when silent thoughts in her head began to consist of hand gestures.) 

And then she’s on the move, balancing on her knees and teetering as she pulls on Lexa’s shoulders.

Then she doesn't really get anywhere; her head sways, her visions blurs and her body fails her. She rapidly loses consciousness to the tea's effects, landing flat on her face to a chorus of small laughter around the fire. 

"And she's out!" Octavia shouts excitedly complete with hand gesture, accidentally hitting raven in the face.

"Who got out? You let the cat out?" Raven screams in panic, as she moves to get up. Then she freezes, "Wait. We don't have a cat." She settles back down laughing, "and we’re outside, this stuff does have a bit of a kick" she grabs Octavia's hand to prevent another errant limb to her face.

"Clarke, are you alright? Clarke? Why are you sleeping? _Clarke_.” Lexa shouts, gesturing with her hands like she's squeezing; Luna is roaring with laughter and trying padding over to keep Lexa calm. Beland comes over and lifts Clarke to place her upright against a tree trunk a few feet from Lexa. “Come back," Lexa protests as her wife is taken away, then she pouts, grabbing Clarke's empty cup.

Luna wrestles the teacup from her grasp, "I think that's enough for now."

  "I am  _Heda_ ," Lexa says looking at her with a raised chin and it would be commanding if it wasn’t for the pout.

"That you are,” Luna rolls her eyes and laughs. “But Clarke will need you and you’ll need to burn through your last cup before that happens.”

That seems to sober Lexa up a bit already. _Clarke will need Lexa._

Lexa nods seriously, “Okay. I love Clarke, Luna.” Luna laughs and says she’s aware as she guides Lexa to sit beside Clarke. Lexa’s nodding gaze drifts, "Luna, look how long your fingers are!" Lexa says, impressed eyes on the hand in front of her face again.

"That's still your hand Lex."

While Luna situates Lexa beside the now oddly still Clarke, Octavia downs the rest of her tea and plops on the ground next to Raven before turning and putting her arm over her lap and resting her head on it.

“You’re pretty,” Raven murmurs with a lopsided grin.

Octavia hums and uses her free hand to run nondescript patters on Raven’s bad leg’s thigh. She looks from the brace to her girlfriend’s watchful gaze, “You’re amazing, did you know that?”

Raven grins, “As a matter of fact, I did; but I’m glad you agree.”

Octavia playfully swats her falling silent for a bit.

Raven swoops her hair around, fingertips brushing lengthwise of smooth braids. She watches Octavia press her lips together and furrow her brow, Raven can tell she’s in thought. “What’s up?” she asks quietly leaning over to have a better look at her girlfriend.

"Beland offered to let me take the quest if I wanted. Did he ask you the same?" Octavia asks, speech a little slurred, eyes very glassy.

"No? Did you say no?" Raven looks down at her curiously.

She shrugs, "I didn't say yes...I wanted to talk to you first."

"Why?"

Octavia shrugs, "Because of his warnings. What if it changes me? What if I see some fucked up shit and things change? What if things between us change, I can’t… I can’t los-"

“Hey. You won’t, you won’t lose me.” Raven cuts her off, slightly sobering in her girlfriends need of her. "Your heart won't change because of what you see Octavia and your heart is what I fell in love with," she kisses her forehead and lingers there inhaling the sweet woodsy leather combination; "The rest of you was just icing on the cake. Don't worry about us. You and I will always be okay." 

"Come what may?"

"Come what may." Raven confirms lifting her chin and kissing her from her hunched over position. "Now go on and get fucked up and meet your spirit friends. I'll be waiting for you when you're done."

Octavia rights herself and looks deep into her eyes, "I love you Rae."

"I love you too O, hurry up so we can go have 'the sex' after,” she says with a wink and a laugh, leaning over to kiss her girlfriend.

 Octavia hums happily after rolling and leaving to the other side of the fire where Beland, Bill, Luna, Lexa and Clarke are. She gets another cup full of tea and starts gulping as she takes a seat next to Clarke. Raven watches her take a deep, steadying breath when she finishes the tea.

And if they knew what they were going to see, they still wouldn’t have been prepared.

* * *

 

The last thing Clarke remembers is falling over and tasting dirt in her mouth. She can’t tell if she’s standing or on her back, but she can breath and its slow and deep, she tastes moisture in the air, it’s cool and crisp. She takes big gulps of it as it helps clear a fog in her head and she starts feeling more aware of her body. She can hear whispers, nothing clear but faint whispers, so many soft voices carrying but never making sense. She tries to remain calm as she slowly opens her eyes.

All she sees is white.

All she can see is a bright white fog. The mist in front of her fills her eyesight as well as her lungs. She blinks and begins to look for landmarks, something. _Anything_.

She slowly turns around and the mist doesn’t change, it swirls around her and still leaves her slightly blind. As she almost completes her three hundred and sixty degree turn she catches movement in the corner of her eye. A form is walking towards her, the mist swirling around them, white and almost blinding. Clarke squints in attempts to see better.

Her eyes widen when the figure gets closer.

Is that me?

 _No, I’m me…_ The figure continues to get closer, Clarke can’t look away and she doesn’t feel threatened, a part of her recognizes the figure.

“Claire?” she says as the women breaks the mist and comes to stand before her.

“Hello Clarke,” her voice is soft and melodious, it’s comforting to hear it again, it is overwhelming to _see_ her.

Clarke takes a step forward, tentatively reaching out a hand. She tilts her head in silent question and Claire nods once keeping her eyes on Clarke’s. The younger blonde lays two soft fingers on the woman’s forearm and she is amazed to find her hand touches warmth and flesh, “How?” her hand wraps around the forearm and the other hand touches the woman’s smiling face.

Claire chuckles softly, “Welcome to my world now.”

“What do you mean?” Clarke looks around, “I thought Beland was guiding me?”

Claire smiles, “Unfortunately that won’t be happening.”

“Why not?”

“Because you need me. He will be listening, but you require a guide with first hand experience.”

“Why?”

“Because there are things you and he do not understand and I have spent over a century learning,” the woman replies smirking at Clarke’s spirit.

“Okay,” Clarke says slowly. “So this is your world? It’s pretty um…” she doesn’t really know what to say.

“This is the veil. This is the spirit plain.”

Clarke nods and looks around again, “That explains the whispers.”

Claire tilts her head, “You can hear them?”

Clarke looks back at her and nods. “Is that good or bad.”

“None are speaking directly to you? Can you make any of it out?”

“No, it’s all faint, there’s too many…”

Claire smiles, “You truly are unique.”

“Okay…”

“You don’t think so?”

“I don’t feel like I am unique. I’m just Clarke.”

Claire shakes her head, “You are so much more than just Clarke and you know it.” Clarke opens her mouth to protest but Claire cuts her off, “No. You will listen.” She waits for Clarke to shut her gaping mouth and nod.

“You stand in the veil. The borderlands of lives, worlds and spirits if you will. Here is where the souls and spirits are stored; this is where we come after we pass on.”

Clarke furrows her brow as a thousand questions come flooding into her mind. “So am I dead…”

“No child. You are unique. Not many experience this plain until they have passed on. When I arrived I was alone, distraught and broken. I heard no whispers, no shouts, nothing beyond my own cries for Alex. I wallowed and ended up missing her return, missing my chance…”

Clarke can hear the despair in her voice, the love in her eyes. She shakes her head, “What do you mean, you missed your chance?”

“I mean I was blind. She returned to Earth not long after I left and I was too caught up in my despair to know I could have gone back. I could have continued breaking the rules and gone back to her…” Claire sheds a tear and Clarke wipes it for her.

“I don’t understand.”

“Years passed, years Clarke, I am sure I lied on this very spot and cried for years. When I finally stopped and was willing to listen to what was being shouted at me I learned quickly. They tried to stop me, they couldn’t; I refused to miss her again. I traveled through the doors, so many doors. That is when I found you in space and you found her on the ground.”

“You made the connection to Alex finding me on Ark, you knew she was once there.”

Claire nods with a smile at Clarke’s understanding.

“Do you still hear the whispers?”

“No. I hear specific things, our guides will periodically come in clear when we are here to help point us in the right direction. That is how I knew you required my help.”

“Our guides? You know who our spirit guide is?” It’s a burning question that has been in Clarke for ages.

Claire nods, “You will learn soon, but first I must explain what will happen. Our souls are larger than one may think. Larger than the cosmos; they are too large to fit into one human vessel. Some vessels are able to hold more than other’s, it all depends on the person and the soul's connection. This is why there are soul mates and it is why there are so many different worlds and versions of ourselves. You know how I spoke to you?”

Clarke nods slowly.

“In this plain we are largely dormant. Here we rest, recoup, process and hopefully be given the chance to live again. Few, have a 'body' like me so to speak but I'm a special case. Anyways, while dormant, we can open the door and watch the many different versions of ourselves. I watch you often but that is one of the only few times I have walked through the door and remained for longer than a day.”

“So when you walk through the door you can talk with me, converse with me, not just speak to me? You're like hanging out in here,” she gestures to herself.

Claire nods with a smile and soft chuckle. “Yes, and here in lies the danger; the pull is strong, the stronger the piece of soul like me the more issues can arise. The will to live is strong – when you walk through the door you can push the other spirit back. I had that very pull with you, I almost took advantage, a little longer and I would have stayed. I would have fought you…” She looks at Clarke’s nervous glances, “I almost stayed,” she admits quietly.

“You wanted to take my life?”

Claire nods. “They warned me that the temptation was there if I walked through the door and stayed longer then just to speak with you, instead of just watching. They too told me I was unique and I would conquer my own need and realize yours was greater. I will not return to life until my work is finished and thus I backed off, I resisted.”

“The spirits are doing this? They told you and they are keeping you here? For me? You’re stuck in limbo?”

Claire nods once, "Sort of. I am here for a few reasons; one of them, you..." Claire swallows before minimally explaining, “but I owe them.”

“What is my need?”

Claire laughs a little as if she was expecting that question, “There's the catch. Our needs aline but I cannot influence you Clarke, you learn your need on this journey. This must be your decision, you are _Heda Kom Faete_ because you _live_ and you possess the energy. You can enter any door you choose, you need only tell me so I can point you in the right direction.”

“I thought I was coming to figure out why I feel a disconnect with Wanheda.”

“That is one need yes. Ironically, one that alines with your other needs. You will figure that out on this journey.”

“The other worlds, the other versions of us, do they have the energy? The gifts from the spirits?”

“Some do. Some don’t. It depends on the person, the amount of soul and spirit within them and of course the laws of the world.”

Clarke purses her lips and huffs out a breath. She wishes the whispering would stop so she could think clearly. “The whispers. Why aren’t they clear?”

“They will be clear when they need to be. You hear them because there are many doors, many options, many paths for you to take. Many do not hear a whisper when they come, they simply move on. This is a place of no burden... or it is for everyone else.” She says the last bit a little bitterly.

“Okay. I think I understand…”

“You don’t really. But you will,” Claire says with a small smile and roll of her eyes. She places a firm hand on Clarke’s shoulder and pulls her into a walk. “Your first stop will be my past,” she says gesturing to a door that is appearing out of the mist. The door is black and old, the brass handle is marred with use.

“You have gone back there a lot.”

“Memories are forever Clarke. I will not give up mine while they are right here in arms reach. I won’t give up my life with her, not until I can live again and start a new one with her.”

“And you can’t do that until you help me?”

Claire nods again, “I owe them; I was given a choice and I chose to help, I couldn’t turn my back on what I had caused.”

“What do you mean?” Clarke asks but Claire has already opened the door and shoved her through it.

 

* * *

 

Clarke blinks and opens her eyes. She lying in a hospital bed, the fluorescent lights above her are blinding. Clarke tilts her head to see two women conversing in the corner, one is her doctor. She recognizes Alex, her wife, immediately.

“Alex,” she croaks through a dry mouth.

The woman turns and leaves the doctor she was speaking with, “Hey you. About time you woke up, it’s time to go home.” She's beaming, positively radiant, even in the ugly harshness of the hospital lights. 

Clarke looks to her arms, the IV’s are gone, the heart monitor is turned off. She is healed. “The blood…” she murmurs.

Alex nods and runs a hand over Clarke’s hair, “I did it babe. You’re all better we are going home. It wasn't a dream.”

 

* * *

 

Clarke blinks and she’s home, or rather, Claire is home. She’s sitting across from Alex in their breakfast nook. The woman has her glasses on, her brown hair curled behind her ears as she reads the paper.

“You’re very calm for what’s happening today,” Clarke hears herself say, lowering her coffee cup.

Alex peers up at her with a smirk, “Finding a way to cure the world of most diseases and illness with technologically modified cells will give a person a sort of air of confidence.”

Clarke flings a piece of her pastry at her, “Smartass.”

Alex shrugs and lowers the paper after using it as a shield. She reaches over, pulling Claire’s hand to her mouth to kiss her palm. “I am not nervous. Think of all the good Infinity Technologies could do for the world; the board has to approve this."

“You know I never thought the scientist and the doctor would own and operate a fortune five-hundred company. I expected a small practice, a struggling researcher and lots of babies.”

“Do you regret that our lives went a different direction?”

“If you hadn’t have found a way to save me we wouldn’t have a direction at all, so that is a resounding fucking no.”

“I love it when you swear.”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Clarke whispers with a sultry smirk and closes her eyes as Alex leans forward to kiss her.

 

* * *

 

Clarke opens her eyes when she feels no touch of Alex’s lips. She comes to find herself in a cement tunnel, fluorescent lights above her head, eerie and harsh. She feels off but she isn’t sure why, Alex is escorting her as they follow three men wearing lab coats. They are rambling on and on and all Clarke can do is look around nervously. Alex pats her forearm and squeezes it reassuringly, but Clarke can tell, she is feeling off as well.

Something is wrong.

The tunnel goes on and on. Eventually, glass panels appear with various ‘rooms’ but Clarke feels deep down they are more cells. Inside, they house various people. The first few look relatively normal; there are beds and small TV’s, a desk and bookshelves, the people look content but nervous. She and Alex unconsciously slow their pace, she feels them both tense when they begin to pass the next set of cells.

The first oddity she sees is just a blur; something is obviously in the room, but it is moving so fast you can make nothing out but a blur. The next they see a woman pacing but she vanishes, turns invisible, only to reappear a pace away still walking. Her face is haunted, confused and serious. The next she sees a man hugging his knees to his chest and talking to himself, behind him in the florescent lights Clarke can see a shadow figure crouched behind him whispering back, it sends chills through her spine and she presses closer to Alex.

Clarke blinks at the next cell when she sees a kid, she doesn’t want to see it, whatever it is. She feels herself breaking, guilt weighing on her with every step, a burning question in her mind, _what have we done?_ She can tell Alex is wondering the same, hearing the same, feeling the same; her lower lip has been trembling through her stoic mask with every step.

 

* * *

 

The lab coats have led them into a small room with a glass divider. The lights are turned on in the room across from them and they all watch silently as one of the lab coats enters the other room with two patients in it.

“This is trial number one. We wanted you here to see the progress on our latest development.”

Clarke squeezes Alex’s hand and they exchange a nervous glance. They both want to get the hell out of there. This isn’t right. Everything is wrong. They trusted the wrong people. They don't feel safe.

They turn back to watch the room in front of them. The lab coat is standing between two patients lying in hospital beds. One is an old man, he is gaunt and sickly, his breaths coming from a regulated machine.

The other is younger, maybe seventeen and lying still, no machines other than a heart monitor but it is blank, the boy is dead.

One of the lab coats in the room presses the wall mount, and speaks through the radio to the other room. “Okay, test is a go.”

Clarke and Alex hold a collective breath and watch in horror, they both take a step forward when they see the man inject something into the old man and then into the dead body. The man turns and shuts off the breathing machine to the older man and Clarke protests beside Alex. They are silenced in a second as extra movement in the room catches their eye and both hands squeeze as air is sucked out of their lungs.

The previously dead young man is moving. His hand are raising, the blankets slipping off and Clarke can see the very obvious signs of black blood. The young man had died but…he was rising. Clarke shakes her head and Alex is crying, she looks as horrified as Clarke feels.

The boy moves slow sitting up and looking around. He looks terrified and very angry. He finds the lab coat watching wide eyed like it's Christmas morning. Clarke realizes the other two in the room with them have the same look. Meanwhile, her and Alex are feeling much the same as the boy.

The boy is moving, turning his body and ripping the covers off of him, “Send me back! Back! This isn’t right!”

“What? What is this?” Alex stammers hearing the rage in the boy’s voice coming through the intercom. She makes a move forward and Clarke holds her still, she has a bad feeling.

The boy grabs the man by the shoulder and tosses him into the corner like a rag doll, immediately following the body. The other two lab coats chase out into the hallway and into the room, busting through the door and attempting to grab the boy. Clarke holds Alex still as they watch in horror.

The boy rears back and throws one of the men off of him before pummeling the other in the face, breaking his nose. His rage is unbearable, uncontainable, he continues shouting as the other two men come back after him.

And then all hell breaks loose. While they were fighting the old man has risen, only he is not like the boy. Clarke gasps as she sees vacant eyes, feral like sneer, snapping of teeth and quick movements. Much too quick for an old man, much too quick for a man who just died. He launches forward bighting the boy on the shoulder, the boy snarls and throws the man over his shoulder towards the lab coats. The feral man attacks the closest one biting his neck and ripping out his throat.

The boy clutches at his shoulder and screams in rage, his image flickers along with the lights as he screams and then he’s gone. Vanishes in the blink of an eye and the lights continue to flicker. An alarm goes off and the noise deafening, orange strobe lights come on and Alex pulls Clarke out of the room. They dash past the open door of the old man devouring the third lab coat ending his pitiful screams. As they run past, they see the infection spreading like wildfire as one of the lab coats begins to turn.

“We can’t just leave,” Clarke screams.

“Yes, we can. WE have to! I need to get you out of here!”

“Alex, we have to help these people get out! They'll die!”

Alex stops and immediately nods, they begin to pound the ‘open’ button to the doors and they fly open. “Come on, get out now!”

Clarke trips and shuts her eyes as she’s about to meet the cement floor.

 

* * *

 

They’re arguing, they haven’t stopped since they escaped the vaults yesterday morning. It’s now well past 2am the next day.

“Alex, we have to tell someone! This is all our fault!”

“Rottenburg Corp is a sister corporation, we had no control over them!” Alex roars back.

“That doesn’t matter and you know it. We let this happen, we trusted the wrong people and this is what happened now what the fuck are we going to do about it?” Clarke shouts back grabbing her by the shoulders.

Alex looks like she’s on the verge of tears, “I don’t know…”

Clarke pulls her in tight for a hug, “We’ll figure this out. Shhhh. I’m sorry, I’m projecting.”

“If I hadn’t of saved you, if we didn’t have the blood this would have never happened, this is not _our_ fault Claire… it’s mine.”

Clarke shakes her head and leans back to brush the tears off of her wife’s cheeks, “No. We could have left it at that – you saving me. I’m the one who talked you into sharing the technology, bringing it to the light; I wanted us to save the world…”

“I know…I wanted that too.”

“Look what we’ve done…” Clarke lets go of Alex and watches the news on the flatscreen behind her. The undead are roaming the streets, there are roadblocks, overturned cars, rioting in the streets… Clarke blinks back tears.

_What have we done?_

 

* * *

 

“Alex, I can’t go with you. I can’t leave them here alone, they are my responsibility…”

“You _can_ leave them here. You can come with me, we have a responsibility to make things right; we can go an be safe until I can figure this out. You don’t have to stay here… I can’t leave you here…”

Clarke nods, swallowing tears and her heart is breaking. They are standing on a tarmac a looming rocket in the background. “You have to leave me here. We just have to faith that this will work, you’ll come back and find me and until then I have to lay the undead to rest.”

Alex nods with great difficulty, she knows she won't talk Claire out of this. They both watch the final prepping being done on the rocket. Their hands stayed glued together, white knuckled and trembling. Clarke looks at Alex and she knows… she knows she will not see her again.

She refuses to believe that.

 

* * *

 

Alex is gone.

Clarke is looking up at the night sky. In the background, the city she loves is falling a part. The living are hiding, barely surving. The dead are walking, running and growing in number. The specials have left already or are dead, her wife is in the sky, there is no one to help her.

Clarke is alone.

The tears have all been spent. She is dry, she is broken, she is longing. She is guilt ridden. They let this happen. She feels the responsibility…

She sighs and takes a final look at the stars, eyes searching for her wife’s station. She knows she will not see her on this Earth again. She knows she has only one choice now. She turns tearing her eyes from the sky with a shakey breath and heads to the doorway of a Rottenburg Corp. vault.

She carries a small side arm and a military hatchet.

The door opens with the security code and Clarke descends into strobes of orange lights and darkness. There are roamers down there, the undead redblooded American’s that have been infected are still roaming, these ones have been dead awhile, they are slower than a fresh one. She kills them easily with her hatchet, the bullet in her gun holds only one, and it’s not meant for any of them.

She finds the security door and punches in the code. She enters letting the door slam behind her, she doesn’t flinch. She has a purpose. She has made her peace with this decision. This is the only way.

Clarke takes her hatchet to the locked desk, popping open the secret panel. The lights are functioning, the power remains. Systems are a go. All she needs is the twenty-digit code she has written on her arm.

The sadness creeps back inside her and her finger trembles and shakes as she begins to pull her sleeve back and reveal the numbers. She presses them in to the keypad slowly, one at a time. With each number pressed she thinks of Alex. Her laugh. Her smile. Her deep pools of green in her eyes. Her look of desire. Her fucking smirk. Her scent of honey. Her wild sense of humour. Her goddamn pride. Her love of animals and nature. Her unwavering love. Her will. Her brain. Her body. Her kisses. Her stupid nerd glasses…

_Alex. Alex. Alex._

The tears are flowing again, she’s shocked as she is about to hit the last digit. She feels like she’s giving up. This is what it feels like to be backed into a corner, caged and wild with grief.

She presses the final digit.

She sobs.

This is what it feels like to end the world.

Clarke leaves the room, returning to the surface as the countdown and alarms blare in her ears. All she hears is Alex. All she see’s is Alex. All she has are memories.

She clutches her chest as she exits the vault. She stares at the night sky and sees her handiwork streaking through the sky.

_Not long now._

_Alex. Alex. Alex._

Clarke screams and wails into the night, eyes trained on the missiles.

_Alex. Alex. Alex._

The missiles descend.

Clarke pulls her side arm and holds it shaky in her grip. She takes a shuddering, sobbing breath, as she looks to the stars she strains her eyes to find the station her wife is on. She raises the gun to her temple; the tears streak her cheeks as the first bomb lands, followed by the other.

“I’m so sorry,” Clarke whispers to no one. To everyone. To Alex.

She cocks the pin.

_Alex. Alex. Alex._

“May we meet again.”

She thinks she attempts to pull the trigger. She doesn’t. She freezes as she watches the mushroom clouds. Explosions ring out in synchronicity around her. The world begins to burn before her eyes.

It’s over. This is the world’s end. She watches the flames dance and grow, _this is right._

Clarke lowers the gun and looks at it, _this is wrong_. She drops it in the dirt.

_Alex. Alex. Alex._

She falls to her knees, arms spread out wide, tears flowing and chest racking with sobs.

ALEX! ALEX! ALEX!

She needs her. Her heart is breaking, shattering into pieces inside her. She is desperate.

She screams over the flames as they come closer, _“ALEX!”_ She stands shaky on her feet and begins to move towards the flames. She is possessed, she can see her wife standing in the flames, beckoning her closer.

She follows. She needs to see her. She needs to find her. She needs to enter the flames.

Her body begins to burn, her flesh sizzles and sings. At first, she feels them. Then, as she gets closer to Alex they rage against her, trying to stop her. She refuses to stop, she is sure the fire is touching bone, exposing muscles and tendons, boiling her black blood. She doesn’t stop, she walks, she follows the image of Alex.

She does not die.

Not really.

She enters the veil by her own sheer stubborn will as the world she lived in crumbles and burns to ash.

 

* * *

 

Clarke blinks and she’s back in the white mist. Her breathing is heavy, she is crying and Claire is there. The older woman rushes forward and engulfs Clarke in a tight hug. The younger blonde ducks her head into her chest and sobs.

“Shhhh,” Claire coos, “You are alright.”

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that,” Clarke whispers as her sobbing soothes against Claire’s chest.

“Now you know how the old world ended,” Claire says, “You needed to see that Clarke. I am sorry it was so difficult.”

Clarke nods, “And you felt responsible for all the deaths…”

Claire kisses her temple, “Are you beginning to see why you and _Wanheda_ are one and the same? Do you see where the drive and feeling of responsibility of death originates now?”

Clarke nods, “I think so. That pain, that guilt and responsibility you felt, I feel that all the time…”

“It is our soul; I burdened us and it has effected all the versions of us. Some more than other’s obviously,” she says giving Clarke a final squeeze.

“So you came through the fire to here?”

Claire nods, “I was never supposed to get here. The gun remember, taking my life does not get me new life.”

“Then how did you?”

“When I launched the nukes, I did it with intent to destroy the world completely – rid it of life. Those that would be safe were in bunkers or vaults but it shook the spirit plain, this veil. When I finally stopped my crying and was able to listen the spirits told me what I had done. I broke the rules, the laws to the universe. Too many doors opened at once, too many souls needed saving, too many elements of the Earth coming into death at once. They all moved on or were absorbed by the spirits, stored here,” she says waving her hand through the mist.

“I did not move on; my soul stayed put refusing to leave without knowing which door would lead me to Alex. That is why they were screaming; the veil is void of pain, or it was until I arrived and brought mine with me. I was not supposed to remain, to stay, to be here like this – conscious. I broke the rules, their rules, I bent them, changed them – but I also inspired them. I stole the flames; purposefully used them to bring me to death and then transcend it. Though dead, I still had purpose, still had a mission, I needed to find Alex. I would not move on; and whilst I remained, Alex returned to the Earth. She found out what I had done and she came back while the flames still burned and the world slowly slipped further into ruin.”

Claire looks off through the mist, “ _We_ inspired the spirits to continue to fight for that world, that their fight was not over; that there was still _hope_. I hoped to return to Alex and Alex hoped to find me there. They were touched by the devotion and the stubborn resiliency found within us. They watched my heartbreak in the veil, never seen there before and watched it mirrored in Alex when she returned to Earth. They could not bear the heartbreak of such a shared purity of heart and they acted.”

She sighs, “While I was the first to steal a gift, Alex was the first to be gifted by a spirit.”

“Wait? So those people you saw in the vaults cells were not gifted their abilities?”

Claire shakes her head, “They were created using Alex’s work. Rottenburg was seedy and we should never have trusted them. That wasn’t our goal. We wanted to save lives not make them more difficult, not create and army… not bring the dead back to life.”

Clarke shivers, “So Alex was given a gift?”

“She carried the same gifts Heda does now, only intensified because you are together where Alex was alone.” Claire smiles and tucks a loose hair behind Clarke’s ear. “Alex used her gift to find other survivors, she used the technology she brought back to Earth to create more nightbloods. She helped restore order with the spirit’s help. Though our love helped destroy the world, it also saved it. Our tragedy sparked the spirits, inspired them to help and thus they took in the lost to keep them safe and pass them on as gifts to those worthy of carrying such spirit.”

“So if I.. _you_ stole my gift, who guides me?”

Claire smiles, “You are guided by all three child. _Kom granoumon, kom noumon and kom yongon_ , it was a universal agreement between them.” She shrugs, “People call us unique for a reason I guess. Anyways, Alex was gifted by _kom noumon_ because she was such a pure spirit who only wished to love and make the world better.”

Clarke nods along. “So now what?”

“Well, that’s up to you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean do you feel you are finished here?”

Clarke pauses and narrows her eyes in thought. “No.”

Claire smiles, “I figured you’d choose this path. So ask your question.”

“The boy, the nightblood that came back to life, tell me about him.”

Claire smiles even wider, this time knowingly. “The boy was Rottenburg’s son, I learned he had an extreme stage of cancer. He was young and they tried surgery after surgery but it kept coming back. He was given the tweaked nightblood serum – the Rottenburg version – but he died before the process could be completed. The next day, they brought us there; Rottenburg was pushing for the tests to be done on his son as soon as possible despite his people’s word against it. They weren’t ready but he was wild and blind in his own grief…”

“So they couldn’t bring people back, not really…”

“You know what you saw in there.”

“The old man, he had regular blood but he did not react properly…”

“No. He was patient zero. He started the outbreak. The Life Serum they gave him restarted his system and brain, but with minimal functionality other than survival, the need to feed. He craved blood and flesh because his own body’s cells were deteriorating.”

Clarke absorbs the information slowly. “So…the boy’s black blood kept his cells functioning properly; he did come back with full brain function. He was himself?”

“Yes and no… the nightblood process never completed in time before he was injected with the Life Serum; he succumbed to the disease, slower but still becoming like the old man, feral and hungry – back to minimal brain function.”

“But he vanished from the room?”

“The Rottenburg tweak, the mutation that gave people abilities. He had enough time to enter a new world in his rage – only you know how hard it is to travel using an ability the first time. You can’t really control it fully; he landed through a door that was just closing in the veil to enter a new realm. There he succumbed and began to spread the disease.”

Clarke sighs because she has a feeling where this is going.

“I’ve seen that world haven’t I? At the campfire with Beland, I saw the undead there. That wasn’t your world was it.”

Claire gives her a sympathetic look and puts a hand on her shoulder, “I’m afraid you’re right Clarke.”

“That’s why you’re stuck here isn’t it? Your work isn’t finished?”

Claire nods, “Unfortunately not.”

Clarke swallows, “Well how can I help? You can’t stay here. I thought Lexa and I getting married would end your journey, help you move on…”

“Oh Clarke. It did, it helped Alex move on. She has started a new life, she’s the cutest baby you have ever seen let me tell you.”

Clarke smiles at that before frowning and grabbing Claire’s hand, “But you need to go too, why won’t the spirits let you?”

“They would, I am allowed to leave. I choose not to.”

Clarke narrows her eyes and searches Claire’s, “You owe them,” she repeats Claire’s words. “You owe it to the people in this other world to fix what the boy did?”

Claire nods, “Yes. But also your world, our world.”

“What?”

“The dead walk again Clarke.”

Clarke shakes her head, “No. No that’s not possible. It’s been a century since that happened! And how is the outbreak only happening now in this other world?”

“Some of the vaults still exist in our world. As for the other, I do not know, perhaps it had been contained from when the boy first arrived but it’s definitely happening again. I’m here in veil Clarke; I have seen the signs from both worlds. The dead come, the door cannot close behind them before they are ripped back out again to walk once more in their bodies; their brains fry and they are lost – a person, a spirit, a soul no longer. The spirit’s strengths are beginning to feel it and the massive expanse of a soul becomes smaller daily as each piece is chipped away.”

Clarke shakes her head at literally - _all of that-_ but addresses her world, “No, we would have heard rumours? Lexa and I have heard nothing.”

“You _have_ heard rumours, only they are muddled in with your own. _The army of the dead_ Clarke… Wanheda’s ghost stories have shielded the truth of a true one.”

Clarke shuts her eyes and sighs heavily. _Okay, awesome. Be on the lookout for undead people. Got it. Also, remember to save this other world. No problem. Send your soul sister back to her beloved. Should be easy enough._

Claire chuckles, “You’re such a smartass.”

Clarke looks at her shrewdly, “You heard my thoughts?”

“We are still connected Clarke,” she chides her.

Clarke squeezes Claire’s hand thankful at the reminder that she won’t be alone in this. “So how do I help you move on? Since I’m alive I take it I’m the one who will need to enter this other world?”

Claire gives her a small smile, “You do not have to do this Clarke. I am sure there will be another that can save that world. The ‘us’ there is actually pretty resourceful. She’s a smartass too but you will love her. I have checked in on her but I have not spoken to her or tried to contact her… I did not want to add to her burden, her life has been difficult.”

“Whose hasn’t?”

Claire considers Clarke’s words with a tilt to her head, “True enough. …Elyza _may_ be open to what I have to say…she’s jaded but has a kind heart. She’s brave to a fault too. I guess I won’t know until I try… I should try.”

Clarke chuckles softly at how alike Claire and her are in their thought processes. Claire looks at her, “You can concentrate on your own world; I will speak to Elyza.”

“If she won’t help you, will you let me know? I can do this for you, for us. I want to help.”

“You’ve done so much already Clarke.”

“And you’ve done so much for me. I can do this for you if you need it. I owe the spirits too…” she shrugs and gives her wink, “technically, I’m in possession of stolen goods.”

Claire laughs at that. “Smartass.”

Clarke huffs, “So this Elyza chick? I’ve only seen a glimpse of her life, can I peek through her door?”

“Nosy.”

“I need to know what I’m going to be dealing with if she says no,” Clarke defends.

“This way,” Claire smiles knowingly leading Clarke in a different direction through the white mist.

This door is red, tattered, the wood is all different sizes like its been broken and put together again, multiple times. She wonders what her door looks like.

“Just a peek, Elyza is sensitive to watchers, she will know you are there. Do not cross the threshold fully.”

Clarke looks at her, “What happens if I do?”

“Hard to say. The spirits are telling me that because you are still alive there is a possibility that your two selves will mesh and form a new one, there is also a chance that you will simply enter her body and be in control if you push her to the back. There is a chance one of you will simply fade completely. No one has ever done it before, so really, they’re guessing.”

“Helpful.”

“Isn’t it?” Claire murmurs. “Helps add to the explanation why there’s so much debate among religions and no one can agree; the world may be fucked but the spirit world is more so.”

Clarke laughs and rolls her eyes. “Okay, let’s meet Elyza.” She is careful to open the door and brace herself on the frame, sticking only her head in. She blinks as she hears an Australian accent wafting in through the door. She poked her head in a litter further and the voice gets louder, her vision blurs before coming clear…

“Pheonix! _Pheonix_ , hurry up! I need bandages!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many words...


	61. Tethered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay. couple things. THANK FUCKING YOU!! Your enthusiasm for this trastherpiece is just icing my dudes.
> 
> So this will peek into Elyza's world and a bit about her. Don't want to focus too much on her right now because Elyza will come more into play next fic, not sure if we will come back to her in time for this fic to end. Part 4 we are gonna be bouncing around between her and Clarke and alicia and lexa. you'll see. As long as I don't get myself too confused it should be pretty interesting. It will spend time between both worlds, more focused on the newest apocalypse. 
> 
> Right now this world is gonna shake up and things are gonna get muddy. Don't know how soon this will end. have 3(?) major things to happen in pretty rapid succession before we start part four.

 

Lexa watches over Clarke closely. She periodically wipes her brow of the sheen of sweat. Her tea has long worn off, it is approaching dawn and Clarke is still out. Beland is beside her, his fingertips gently pressed on Clarke’s head, listening.  Luna is behind Lexa, watching over them as well as checking their perimeter. Raven followed Octavia with Bill; her journey was a little more bodily active than Clarke’s, she started wandering into the woods, eyes open but unseeing – they had no choice but to follow.

 

“Is it normal for her to be out this long?” Lexa asks quietly.

 

Clarke has not moved much. Her face has morphed, mostly appearing troubled. She twitched a bit and silently screamed but that was all. Her emotions have been all over the map; Lexa has felt calm, joy, love, pressure, fear, anger, rage, dismay, terror and unrelenting despair and longing. She feels emotionally drained herself just from the second hand experience of emotional whiplash, she can’t imagine what Clarke will feel like. She worries the longer she stays unconscious.

 

“The journey takes time and Clarke’s is special. I have never experienced this before; she is conversing with someone I cannot see. I see nothing but white mist.”

 

“Has she gone anywhere?”

 

“Memories; she followed footsteps taken long ago. At world’s end. She discovered where  _Wanheda_  found her drive, what marked her soul; she understands through her own experiences that _Wanheda_ is her creation, her own design, though. She has finally accepted the beast as herself I believe; she didn’t really need to connect the two halves she only needed to know where that drive came from. Understand…”

 

Lexa furrows her brow and watches him clench his eyes shut; he’s concentrating on Clarke’s whispers and their conversation with immense determination. She understands what he’s saying; Clarke has accepted her ferocity as _Wanheda_ because Clarke has discovered why Commanding Death is so literal for her. Which can only mean one thing based on Lexa’s own discoveries through Alex, she knows whom Clarke is speaking with.

 

“Claire?” Lexa offers.

 

He nods but says nothing other than, “She’s keeping her safe.”

 

Lexa nods even though he can’t see her; it’s more to her own self. She’s worried. She wants to pace, there is an overwhelming need for it but she can’t. She can’t leave Clarke’s side; her hand clutches Clarke’s own, her thumb softly rubbing the leather cuff.

 

Luna grips her shoulder in support. "She's right there Lex. She's safe."

 

Lexa nods slowly. She's safe.  _I'm here, Clarke_. She lays a hand on Clarke's cheek, caressing smooth flushed skin with her thumb. The blonde unconsciously leans into it and Lexa breathes a little easier. She knows she’s there.

 

* * *

 

When Clarke blinks, she is looking through Elyza’s eyes.

 

“Pheonix! _Pheonix_ , hurry up! I need bandages!” Elyza shouts desperately. She’s got Jesse’s arm over her shoulder and she’s pulling him along. They’re slow, but she’s almost in the front door of the duplex. She looks behind her to see three walkers catching up. “Pheonix!” She calls for her sister.

 

She pulls a moaning Jesse along with a grunt, desperately trying to keep them righted.

 

“Elyza! Look out!” Pheonix’s voice alerts Elyza immediately. As the front door becomes a blur and a woman rushes out past her, Elyza throws Jesse in the doorway and turns around to brace herself.

 

Pheonix, her long brown high ponytail is thrashing through the air as she lands her fire axe in the first walker’s head. Elyza bolts forward, her combat knife in hand as she jumps on the back of the second walker, plunging the knife into his skull and twisting.

 

She falls to the ground and rolls, springing to her feet on the pavement and turning to find Pheonix holding off the third walker from biting her neck. “Little help here?” She calls out dryly.

 

Elyza runs forward and plunges her knife again in the skull and the walker falls to their feet. Pheonix looks at her and Clarke gasps, she knows that face, even with half her hair shaved on one side and the bright blue and red strands mixed in with the brunette she recognizes her, _Raven?_

 

Elyza freezes for a moment and Clarke chides herself, Claire warned her that Elyza was sensitive to watchers...

 

Elyza shakes her head to rid herself of the errant voice, she hesitates for a brief moment longer before they embrace, “Are you okay?” Elyza asks leaning back out of the hug and inspecting her sister.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. No bites,” she looks at her curiously, tilting her head, because Elyza is staring at her funny, “Are _you_ okay?”

 

Elyza shakes her head again and Clarke can tell she feels her presence. Clarke shouldn’t have gasped, shouldn’t have reacted when she saw Raven’s other self.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Jesse is not; I didn’t have a chance to look at his injuries. Thank god we stayed close to this safe house on our supply run.” She starts heading inside, leaving a concerned Phoenix staring behind her. She doesn’t need her sympathetic looks right now.

 

And Clarke feels and sees their relationship blossom through Elyza’s memories…

 

* * *

 

They’ve been inseparable since they were seven when they met at school. Elyza transferred into her class when her family moved to America and they hit it off from the first punch thrown, ten minutes after Elyza entered the class. They bonded in the principle’s office and have been best friends ever since.

 

Phoenix knows Elyza better than anyone, she's the only one she let get close and stay close. It's safer that way.

 

They’ve been through thick and thin together and always see each other through. Elyza was there when Phoenix’s mom drank herself to death at nine. Elyza was there when Pheonix ran away from her placement family at ten, Elyza’s family welcomed her with open arms. Phoenix was there when Elyza’s father died in a car accident when she was twelve, there when her mother had her psychotic break at thirteen. She was there even when they were separated into group homes, they always found their way, together.

 

And Phoenix went with Elyza, no questions asked, at fifteen when they decided to run away from the pain.

 

They were sisters, not by blood, but by experience and tragedy.

 

Phoenix has always been incredibly smart and incredibly sensitive to Elyza’s needs. They understand each other and no one knows how to handle Elyza better than Phoenix. Which is why they always go on supply runs for their group together, Elyza and Pheonix are strong on their own, but they are stronger together.

 

They never meant to become codependent on anyone, but it happened, they became codependent on each other because they were the only constants in each other’s lives.

 

And as such, Phoenix knows not to press Elyza right now.

 

She knows that death affects her differently than the other’s in their group. And how Elyza feels about death is the one thing Pheonix can’t really understand, the one thing she doesn’t quite grasp about her chosen sister. Elyza carries a weight Pheonix does not comprehend; in her mind they owe nothing to anyone but each other - but that doesn’t stop Elyza from trying to save everyone, from trying to bring people peace and mercy.

 

She always said she hated people, but Phoenix knows that's not the case; Elyza loves and she hates that she loves. Loving is dangerous. Loving leads to people leaving.

 

Elyza has a fierce heart and high walls. Clarke can relate. Clarke understands Elyza’s feeling about death, she understands it better than Elyza's sister and best friend whose known her since she was seven. The weight resonates with her. She sees it clearly in Elyza’s mind, from her childhood to her young adult life in the zombie apocalypse. 

 

At twenty-one years of age, they have lost too many people, before the outbreak and after. Their group started off with fifteen young adults from their school, they were now down to nine, eight if Jesse doesn’t make it…

 

* * *

 

 

“Phoenix, what the fuck, you space cadet? Get in here!” Elyza’s harsh voice comes through the door and Phoenix runs into the house. She finds Jesse on the couch moaning in pain.

 

Elyza comes back into the living room, hands full of gauze and medical supplies they’ve kept in the safe house. “Hang on. Hang on,” she mumbles throwing the items on the floor and kneeling beside the couch.

 

“What happened?” Pheonix asks rushing to help.

 

“I don’t know, one minute we were fine exiting the gas station and the next Jesse is on the ground and we were surrounded.” Elyza responds wiping blood off of Jesse’s face.

 

Clarke stifles her gasp but can’t stop her mind from making the connection, _Jasper._ Clarke has trouble shaking the shock and Elyza freezes again, blinking. She heard Clarke and Clarke can feel a push against herself, she feels herself digging her nails in to hang on, she finds herself becoming aware of the doorway and the veil behind her.

 

Elyza is strong; she is a force.

 

“Elyza!” Pheonix snaps Elyza out of it, Clarke feels the push against her stop and she works to bring herself back from the shock of seeing Jasper again. She wonders if his life here will end well… she knows better. _Wanheda_ can smell death looming.

 

They begin pulling at his clothes and revealing his wounds. Jesse is rolling back and forth and moaning, he’s got blood in his mouth and Elyza stops and gasps. “No… _no…”_

 

Phoenix moves to where Elyza is and she sees the bite. “Fuck.” She puts a gentle hand on Elyza’s shoulder as the woman lowers Jesse’s shirt with a hanging head. She watches her slowly reach for her knife again. “Elyza…”

 

“I can do it. I have to do it. My member... My responsibility.” her voice betrays her, it cracks like her shell.

 

Phoenix tightens her grip on Elyza’s shoulder. “Okay Lyz. Okay… but I’m staying with you this time.”

 

Elyza takes a deep breath knowing it would be useless to fight her on this. She always tries to keep Phoenix from this, she knows she doesn’t like it anymore than Elyza, but she is so, _so tired._ She hates the feeling that she is becoming used to death. Hates that it seems to follow her.

 

“In peace, may you leave this shore. In love, may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels, until our final journey to the ground. May we meet again.”

 

Clarke stills when she hears the traveller’s blessing cross the lips of the Australian, a memento from her father, and Elyza blinks again at the presence of Clarke before her grip adjusts and she stabs Jesse in the head on his last death rattle. He will not come back.

 

As soon as the knife is pulled out, Elyza wipes it on her own clothes and shakes off Phoenix’s hold. She leaves the room in a flash and rushes upstairs. At the top of the stairs she falls to a seated position and throws her head into her hands. This is a habit that began when she was thirteen, when a flight of stairs is available and she feels this bottomless pit of despair she finds herself back in the body of a frightened, distraught, thirteen year old.

 

Three weeks.

 

The outbreak started three weeks ago and Elyza has already killed her fair share of humans and walkers. It’s too much, she feels the weight of it all, every stab, every gun shot, every fucking bloody battle. She hates it. She hates her entire life. Nothing has ever been easy, nothing has come naturally, nothing ever goes right.

 

Elyza feels the tears but they do not fall. She takes a deep breath before standing and walking back down the stairs. She needs to finish her work.

 

She ignores Phoenix’s looks of concern when she goes to lift Jesse’s body from the couch. She nods when Phoenix opens the front door for her and Elyza crosses the threshold. She walks to the side of the safe house into the night. She sets Jesse’s body down carefully, with effort; _he is dead weight,_ she thinks bitterly.

 

Then she goes back to the front of the house. Clarke silently watching through her salt brimmed eyes.

 

One at time, all by herself, with Clarke silently observing, she drags the other bodies to Jesse. She then collects wood and her small jug of lighter fluid. She pours some on the tinder before she pulls out her zippo. She doesn’t know why she does this, all she knows is three weeks ago she started having dreams of fire. Since her first kill, her first show of mercy, Elyza has burned the corpses, it just feels right… like she thinks it’ll help them move on, she thinks it will help restore the world.

 

Let it rise from ash.

 

She bends and sparks the fluid and the flames begin to burn. Each time she lights one of these pyres, she feels more alone.

 

She pulls out a cigarette and lights it on the roaring flames in front of her. She's brazen, a badass, she likes the feel of the heat. It makes her _feel._ She hauls long and slow on the cancer stick and her nerves begin to recede, her eyes harden.

 

She calls herself a slayer; Clarke calls herself _Wanheda_ ; Claire stained their soul with responsibility over life and death.

 

Clarke’s heart breaks for Elyza. She can feel her emotions, she can see her past, her memories… few of them are good ones. Even fewer are happy ones. Elyza’s happy memories mostly consist of Phoenix when they were younger. Then the tragedies strike and life gets increasingly more difficult, increasingly more about surviving. There is no love for Elyza, no passion that burns bright. She is broken, she feels bits of herself missing in the cracks of the walls she's built time and time again.

 

She walks in darkness, hand in hand with death.

 

Clarke understands. Clarke empathizes for Clarke holds death’s other hand.

 

It shapes Elyza into a jaded shell, a front she puts on to protect herself. Inside, she is a puddle. She is broken, pieced together with what she can, much like her red door and walls to keep people out.

 

Clarke swallows and sighs, she can’t just say nothing…she can’t just ignore this girl’s pain; she recognizes a lot of it within herself. They are the same. She feels the burden in Elyza just as she did in Claire, just as she does in herself. Clarke has killed hundreds of the living, maybe close to thousands. Claire had killed billions. Elyza has killed more dead than living.

 

Death has a pull on all of them. Death has a weight on all of them. Death is their responsibility. Death surrounds the three of them.

 

 _Elyza,_ Clarke is hesitant, _You aren’t alone._

 

Elyza freezes and looks away from the fire that she started. Her cigarette falls to the grass. “No,” she shakes her head. “No. Go away.”

 

Clarke pauses. Claire was always so good at contacting Clarke, Clarke accepted her presence easily… Elyza is not. Elyza is shutting her out. Clarke feels the push again, she’s trying to push her out, Clarke grips the doorframe again. She’s strong too, she fights to stay. She’s as stubborn as Elyza.

 

 _You are not alone in this Elyza,_ she tries again.

 

“Fucking nutter,” Elyza bolts inside, ignoring Phoenix in the kitchen and rushing upstairs. She busts into the bedroom she uses when they are here and she crosses the room to stand before a full-length mirror built into the closet door.

 

Her eyes widen and Clarke knows why. While Elyza’s right eye is a grey blue, her left eye is clearly brighter; Clarke recognizes it as her own. She’s caught in the reflection, she sees both her and Elyza.

 

Same face, same ghosts in their eye. Elyza is built much like Clarke, their bodies are extremely similar though Clarke is a little more muscular where Elyza is toned and fit. They could be twins though Elyza is a few years older. Her hair is shorter than Clarke’s falling just below her shoulders, it’s matted and dirty, the beginning of dreadlocks forming in snaky twists. She’s covered in blood, her black leather jacket is dirty and ripped.

 

She is armed to the fucking teeth, which Clarke admires. Elyza is no doubt a fighter. She looks hard on the outside, as jaded as she is on the inside. She wears a black beanie and heavy eye makeup that make her grey eyes pop with intensity. It is supposed to hide the fear, the pain - it fails. Her eyes, like Clarke’s, give her away.

 

She has a mask of her own.

 

“GET OUT!” Elyza screams, face contorting with rage at the mirror. “This can’t be happening. It’s not genetic… I am not _her!_ ” She growl, teeth baring at her reflection.

 

Clarke looks curiously as Elyza stares with an angry and pained face, horror and ghosts in her eye. Elyza’s memory of her mother floods her brain.

 

* * *

 

 

_Her heart breaks when Elyza’s mom finally shatters and succumbs to her husband’s death. She has been suffering for over a year, she has heard voices, she has seen things that are not there, she has lost her mind. Elyza is standing before her, begging her to stop, begging her to come back._

 

_She doesn’t recognize her; she attacks. Elyza wrestles out of her grip, her cheek gets cut on the table, her black eye beginning to form. She screams in pain, begs her mother to stop. She doesn’t. The pulling and scratching continues. Elyza shakes loose, scrambling away. She calls for her father, long dead. She bolts._

 

_Elyza calls 911 and runs to her bedroom. She calls Phoenix, thankful that she is missing this scene but needing her nonetheless. She reaches her on her bike, two blocks from the house. She’s on her way._

 

_Elyza’s door is broken open, she drops the phone with Phoenix screaming through the receiver “Get out! Elyza! Elyza?”_

 

_It’s too late. Her mother who continues her furious, psychotic shouts drags her out of her room with a torturous grip on her right ankle. They struggle into the hallway; Elyza kicks and cries out. Her mother sees nothing but ghosts, not her daughter. Her mind is broken. She screams and Elyza feels a muscle in her leg pull and strain. She kicks and kicks and then the pulling stops. The weight is gone._

 

_Her mother lies motionless at the bottom of the stairs._

 

_Her first kill._

 

_Not her last._

 

* * *

 

 

 _Oh my god… Elyza…._ Clarke thinks before she can stop herself. Elyza obviously hears her and in her sensitive, over-tried and drained state of mind, she panics, she snaps and flies off the handle. Clarke feels a rush of wind and pushing again, harder than before.

 

Elyza is strong; her mind is strong, her heart is beaten and bloody but _strong._ She screams out loud, Clarke can hear Phoenix rushing up the stairs. “Elyza?”

 

 _Elyza, calm down._ Clarke is panicking, _You'll hurt yourself!_ She is feeling Elyza’s panic mixing with her own and it’s hard to differentiate and keep herself separate. _It’s okay. I promise you’re not crazy-_

 

“GET. OUT. AAAARRRRGGGH!” Elyza launches a series of fists into the mirror, into her reflection, her knuckles bleed and Clarke feels as though she took a punch to the gut and then to the face, she is falling backwards with force Elyza shoves her back through the door and Clarke braces for the impact.

 

* * *

 

Clarke blinks and she’s back in the mist. Her hand flies to her right eye, she can feel the bruise. She is confused, scared.

 

Claire approaches slowly and silently pulls her into a hug. She can tell Clarke is drained, she is feeling everything; she feels her own emotions, Claire’s and Elyza’s. The connection has been made, and it’s strong. Clarke can still feel her; an emotional tether has been created.

 

Claire sighs as Clarke buries a wet cheek into her chest and neck. When she goes to speak Claire quiets her. She knows she is not ready. “Shhhh, take your time…” Claire slowly rocks Clarke in the embrace and tries to calm her.

 

“I can’t… I can’t…”

 

“I know. You can’t calm down because you feel Elyza, she is very worked up… just breathe through it.”

 

Clarke follows Claire's soothing words and the rise and fall of her ghostly chest.  She begins to right herself once more.

 

“How can I still feel her?”

 

“I told you, no one has ever come here alive like you have and done what you are attempting Clarke. You are _Heda Kom Faete_ and with that comes a certain amount of power; the rules are bent and unique for you and you continue to create new ones. As you are still alive, I cannot be sure how exactly. This will be something you will have to find out for yourself. Even the spirits do not understand; they have never met anyone like you. You entered the veil after your trial briefly, you died in that cave yet you returned, you went back to Lexa. We do not know for certain how much the spirits played in that, they think it may have been mostly you and Lexa...”

 

“Take a wild guess then, because I don’t understand how I can still feel Elyza like I'm still there,” Clarke says trying to swallow Elyza’s bitterness. Maybe it’s a bit of her own. She feels overwhelmed. She holds onto Claire tighter.

 

“In my opinion, based on what I have learned about you and feel. Your heart is strong Clarke, emotional tethers are your bonds and with you they are like steel, hard to bend, harder to break. Tell me, can you feel me?”

 

Clarke nods.

 

“And you feel Lexa?”

 

Clarke stills and focuses, she sighs, “Yes. She’s worried.”

 

“Don’t worry, you’ll be back with her soon. And you feel Elyza still, even with her door closed?”

 

“Yes. She’s… she’s breaking. It’s slow but she’s…”

 

“I know. Fear not, Elyza has broke before, just as I have, just as you have…” Claire sighs and rubs Clarke’s back and chuckles softly causing Clarke to lean back and look at her with a scowl.

 

“What _exactly_ is so funny about this?”

 

“It seems our soul keeps breaking the rules,” she smiles and dries Clarke’s cheek. “You continue to feel pain and burden even in the veil like me. You can feel the real world, the veil, and Elyza’s world even with the doors closed. This is unprecedented.”

 

Clarke shakes her head, “My mind…”

 

Claire nods, “Is as unique as your heart. The spirits believe you will be able to find the veil on your own now. They didn’t think you would connect like that, they didn’t think you would be able to feel her even now.”

 

Clarke bites her lip, “Did I screw everything up? I didn’t mean to speak with her or let her hear my thoughts…I just couldn’t help it.”

 

“You didn’t screw anything up. Elyza will be difficult to convince due to her history as you now see. She believes, much like you have before, that everything she touches will die. There is a part of her that is just waiting for Phoenix to leave as well, to confirm her delusional truth.”

 

Clarke sighs, “You’ll watch over her until I come back?”

 

“You plan on coming back?” Clarke doesn't have to see her smirk to know it's there. She sees it anyways and she rolls her eyes.

 

“I can’t leave you here and leave her there… you two need me...”

 

Claire smiles, “We all need each other right now.”

 

Clarke nods slowly wiping her eyes. “I have to go back now.”

 

“You do.” Claire takes a deep breath and envelops Clarke again. The younger blonde sinks into her embrace, Clarke feels the woman hesitate and tense.

 

“What is it?”

 

“I am afraid to say too much…” She shurgs a bit in the hug, “But then again, we seem to make a habit of doing things we maybe should not do…” she huffs making her decision, Clarke can tell she is still choosing her words carefully, “Things are in motion Clarke. Your world is about to get turned upside down. Please, do not concentrate on Elyza and the veil. Pay attention to your world; follow your head and heart. I see the path that you are currently on and… it will be difficult, the darkness is daunting, but I promise you will find your way. Keep looking for the light. I will be here when you need me.”

 

Clarke nods at the words, she knows better than to ask more. Claire can’t alter Clarke’s path by divulging too much, perhaps she has said too much already, she can provide a warning but she cannot get in the way of what’s to come. It’s part of a bigger design and Clarke’s decisions guide it – she is the commander of fate.

 

Clarke can’t deny that there is a small (maybe not so small) bitter part of her that tries to ignore that once again, everything lies on her and Lexa’s shoulders; Lexa is her light and she is Lexa’s, she gets what Claire is saying. They have a shit storm heading their way and they need each other to save the world, maybe even more than one.

 

Because yes, deep down she knows they will need each other to save Elyza’s as well. And even deeper down, she wants to save Elyza.

 

Clarke steps back out of the embrace and looks at Claire. She touches her cheek to feel her warmth again, make sure this is real, or real enough, “Let me know if you need help with Elyza. She will be difficult.”

 

Claire nods with a smirk and a shrug, “She wouldn’t be part of us if she wasn’t.”

 

Clarke laughs lightly, “True.”

 

Claire kisses her forehead, “Be safe Clarke. _Ste Yuj,_ life is going to get very hard.”

 

“Life is always hard,” she sounds more confident than she feels. “I want to go home. I need Lexa.”

 

Claire smiles knowingly with a soft sigh, “She’s waiting for you.” She pulls Clarke by the hand and Clarke is led to a large, black wood and gold trimmed door. It is charred, it is cracked, it has been broken, it has been put together. It reminds her of death. The closer she gets she sees it used to be red, as red as Elyza’s used to be. It is damaged, weathered and beaten black, but it is strong and stands firm. Though it is black and burned she sees white-hot light creeping in through the bottom gap and crack.

 

_Lexa._

 

She reaches for the handle.

 

_Lexa. Lexa. Lexa._

 

Green eyes, full of love and endless devotion, meet sapphire blue. Clarke is home.

 

"Lexa."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hah. I killed Jasper again. whoops.
> 
> Next chapter is going to be the end to the quest - raven/octavia stuff and clarke coming back out of it. Then we go to Polis and deal with some shit and then other stuff happens and things get super stressful.
> 
>  
> 
> Hold on to your little gay beanies.


	62. Furry Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey kids! Sorry for the delay!

 

Raven slowly walks alongside Bill into the darkness of the forest. They are following Octavia who is sauntering easily through the overgrowth and fallen timbers and darkness. Her eyes are open but vacant; Raven knows she is not seeing anything. And yet, Octavia walks with confidence. She walks tall and proud, other than the obvious ‘sleepwalking’ state she is in, she is aware of her surroundings on some other level.

The tea was strong and she is thankful she did not have much of it. Her brain feels loose but she is very aware, very interested in what’s happening – she can’t help it, her brain just _wants to know._ She wonders how Clarke is doing; the contrast of the two journey’s are a fun surprise for Raven. Though she is incredibly curious she is concerned for Octavia, which is why she's currently stumbling through the woods in the dark, but her inner geek is super intrigued. It’s a weird balance and she’s going on instinct.

She follows both head and heart.

Raven is taking note of everything. She watches her girlfriend closely, though keeping her distance. Octavia seems to be sniffing the air. She will pause and Raven and Bill will too. She seems not to be aware she is being followed but Raven can’t really tell. 

Octavia leads them far into the night and on no particular path; they walk for over an hour, pausing only for a few seconds here and there. It’s never a straight line; they’ve actually circled an area more than once. Raven keeps getting nervous glances from Bill but she has yet to ask. She understands they are trying to be quiet for a reason.

And then all of a sudden Raven stops when she sees Octavia’s new motions.

"Don't tell me she's... Yep, there go her shoes… And the pants...great." She glances at Bill, "Is naked a normal thing to do during this type of thing?"

Bill looks like he wants to laugh but he shrugs instead offering nothing. Raven scowls as Octavia continues into the darkness naked as a babe. 

"You better keep your eyes up mister," she grumbles before following her girlfriend and picking up her clothing. 

"She's not really my type," Bill says with an air of amusement in his voice as he hands her Octavia's dagger. 

Raven gawks at him picking up on his tone; she rolls her eyes and grumbles forward after her naked woman, "Everyone is  _so_  gay."

A part of her wonders if the queer community has finally outnumbered and outlasted the hetero’s.

* * *

 

"Stop."

Raven freezes at Bill’s words, more like a warning and she knows why. Octavia has stopped walking, gone perfectly still for a moment. Then, she is lowering to the ground; she appears to be looking at her reflection in a stream. She freezes and tenses, her muscles coiling.

Raven can tell, this is it, whatever it is. This is the reason she’s been hobbling along in the dark night on a bad leg.

She takes a hesitant step forward and a twig snaps beneath her foot. Bill grabs her shoulder, swiftly stepping in front of her. She doesn't have time to question why, she gets a glimpse of Octavia's startled face before she bolts at inhuman speed into the darkness.

 

"Shit!" Raven exclaims about to rush forward.

"Shhh, little bird."

"Don't ‘shh’ me you giant fur ball! I have to go after her, it's not safe."

"It may not be safe to be near her." He cautions lowly.

"Octavia won't hurt me.” She says forcefully. “Wait. What? How do you know that?"

He pauses and looks at her for a moment, he sniffs the air, "I have smelled that before..."

Raven sniffs the air like she's some superhuman wolf hybrid too. All she smells are the fucking trees, the same old woody earth smell she’s had filling her nose for over an hour and huffs. "Smelled wha-mmph." A large hand cuts her off; Bill has pulled her close and shut her up, his free arm encircling her protectively.

"Quiet little bird. No more chirping. We are not alone."

Raven freezes and she begins to dart her eyes around. She doesn't feel fear; if it's Octavia she knows she won't hurt her. If it's not Octavia, well, maybe fear will come when that discovery is made.

She doesn't have to wait long. 

"Run!" Bill shouts shoving her behind him. 

She, of course, doesn't. She turns around in time to see two white bears come flying out of the woods. She screams and Bill is already morphing into his _Wolvau_. 

Raven drops Octavia's clothing and fumbles for her dagger and one of her own. She almost laughs at herself at the size of the blades compared to the Bear’s making their way towards them. 

She should have run. Then again, she’s a terrible runner.

She doesn't have time to debate; she growls at her own leg brace before she begins to try to run now. She can only defend she can't attack like this. She bolts, limping and dragging her bad leg as quick as she can. It hurts.

_Holy fuck. I am going to be bear food. Fuck. Fuckity fuck! I hope White Winnie the Pooh prefers honey…_

She labours away from the fight about to take place. She hears growls and roars but she wills herself to keep moving, keep heading away from the sharp teeth.

She didn't drink enough tea for this shit to be happening right now. She should have drank more tea before she died, maybe she wouldn't feel the shredding when the bear bites her. She's glad Octavia got away when she did. She'll be upset, but she'll survive, Raven is sure of it.

She hears movement getting closer. It's a very distinct pattern indicating four very large paws gaining on her with speed. At times like this she kind of hates her brain, she doesn’t need its input differentiating paw sounds when she knows exactly what is chasing her, right now it just feels like mockery.

"Oh shit. _Oh shit._ Oh shit!" Raven screams pushing her bad leg to the limits. Even with two good legs she doesn't think she's ever moved so fast.

And then she could kiss herself. Or rather, she could reach into her brain and kiss it, apologize for saying it was mocking her. She sees her chance ahead, a little shift here and one there and she should make it. She drops the useless daggers, there’s another two in her brace if she can get to them if this works; She grunts as she launches forward grabbing a vine with both hands and letting her momentum take her. 

The vine, with Raven attached, swings and snaps tight as the bear launches after her. She hears the snapping of teeth, feels a claw scrape and pull apart her brace in a rough tug. She screams wildly in pain and the momentum of the vine catches the apex and begins bringing her back the way she had come.

She realizes as she lands in a rough roll that it's back in the direction to the other bear and giant wolf. She pushes herself upright screaming as the brace gives out and she falls to the dirt. She hears more roars, another growl and more pads running.

She looks up to meet her death in the eye.

Instead, she sees beauty.

It's poetry in motion as a dark cherry black wolf launches over her head directly towards the bear that just missed her.

Raven rolls to see the wolf, smaller than Bill, but more ferocious, wilder attack the bear. The wolf is smaller than the bear, but it’s snapping jaws land more than once and Raven sees red blood splatter against white fur. The wolf howls when the bear rears on it’s hind legs and clamps down with it’s claws holding the wolf’s snapping jaws away. The bear lurches forward and bites into the flesh, another howl emits from the wolf and Raven crawls to her feet.

The wolf scratches and pushes with it’s paws attempting to get out of the grip and back on four feet. Raven clambers up, hobbling on her now broken brace and bad leg and tries to go forward. She gives a howl of her own as her leg gives out and she tumbles. The wolf howls and snaps as the bear finally throws it to the ground. The wolf scatters intot he dirt and lands roughly against a tree trunk, which cracks in the force. The wolf whimpers before it turns into a menacing growl as the bear clambers forward again, Raven shouts and grabs for a dagger still in her brace.

She crawls forward as the bear begins to round towards the wolf. Raven moves as quick as she can as she sees the wolf rising slowly, growling and baring its teeth. She launches forward from her awkward position, she stabs the knife intot he bears leg, slowing it down and it whirls to swipe at the new threat. Raven rears backwards onto her ass and back in the motion, dodging the giant claws. She turns onto her stomach and tries to scramble away as she hears the wolf growl and a scuffle ensue behind her.

She chances a look behind her and sees the wolf snapping multiple times into the neck and shoulder of the bear. The bear swings wildly, clawing at the beast on it’s back. Finally, it connects, grabbing and digging into fur and flesh and tossing the wolf once more. Raven screams in panic and attempts to stand to pulls herself away again.

“Raven!”

Raven looks up to her left just as the bright light fades, “Lexa?” the woman appears sword already drawn, “Look out!”

Lexa whirls and sends her energy like a wave pushing the bear backwards into a tree. She clambers forward putting herself between Raven and the threat. The bear is up and running towards her in a flash, Lexa uses her shield to block the contact and thrust with her sword, she connects adding to the red blood on the bears white fur.

Lexa moves, using her energy to vanish, only to reappear behind the bear she stabs again this time missing as the bear reacts and spins sensing her. Then a growl emits from the bear as she launches forward, another growl follows it and Raven sees the wolf charging back into the fight. She sees Lexa about to blast at it with her energy, Raven shouts, the wolf growls and Lexa is caught off guard by the bear connecting with her shoulder. She grunts in pain as she’s tossed aside.

The wolf launches and lands in front of Lexa, snapping its teeth and lowering to the ground ready to pounce.

“Raven, get out of there!” Lexa shouts attempting to stand and seeing where the bear and wolf will end up if they engage. Right on top of her.

Raven scrambles again, her leg causing her difficulty and pain, she growns and musters her strength as she hears the contact of the bear and wolf. Then she hears more pads hitting the Earth from another direction, she sees Bill as a giant grey wolf launching towards her. He too jumps over her protecting her, he connects his giant jaw on the back of the bears arm as the other wolf now tears into it’s belly.

Groans, growls and teeth are heard high into the night. Then the bear lands heavily, dust and debris kicking up into the air as it lands with the two wolves standing over top of it heaving.

“Raven, are you okay?” Lexa says rushing to her side. Her sword is still out and ready. She whirls to face the wolves, crouching in front of Raven as protection. They pad around, Bill watches the other wolf closely, cautiously, as though he doesn’t trust it – but he wants to. The other wolf’s eyes dart between the three, wide, scared and guarded.

Raven puts a hand on Lexa’s shoulder trying to get her to lower the blade, “It’s okay. I’m okay. We’re safe.” She moves to stand up. Lexa has to help her slowly. She braces her with an arm under her shoulder.

Lexa glances at her, “Raven, we only have one wolf in our party…”

Raven shakes her head and laughs lightly staring beyond Lexa. “Look closer.”

She watches and waits for Lexa to do so. Finally, there’s a small intake of breath, “Is that?”

“Yeah, you see the scar on the side of the face? That’s Octavia. I’d recognize those eyes anywhere.”

Silence ensues and they all just stare at the wolf. The wolf only stares at Raven, her gaze flickers to the other two only briefly.

“Let me go to her,” Raven says in Lexa’s ear. “She won’t hurt me.”

“Raven, the change… Bill and Beland cautioned this, she may not know who she is right now.”

“She knows. She knows me. She saved me,” Raven says keeping her eyes locked to the dark cherry coloured wolf. She tries to hobble closer, out of Lexa’s hold and Lexa instinctively grabs her to hold her back. The wolf growls at the action. Lexa freezes and Bill tenses but doesn’t move.

Raven glares at her, “Lexa. Let me do this. Trust me. That is Octavia.” She looks at Bill, “Bill.” The wolf turns its head slightly to look at her before he backs down coming to stand beside Lexa. They watch as Raven moves, grimacing with each step closer.

The wolf stiffens, Raven takes a deep breath, she can see the fear and uncertainty in the eyes in front of her and it breaks her heart. “Octavia. I know you can hear me. It’s okay. You’re safe. I’m safe.” The wolf blinks and backs up a step. Raven pauses, “It’s okay. I told you nothing would change, you’re still you. Come what may, remember? I love you. Come what may.”

The wolf lowers to the ground and Raven notices her limping. She pushes forward before she can stop herself, she sees the wolf tense but make no other move. Raven holds out a tentative hand and ignore the flinch the wolf gives at the gesture. She wills herself to be calm and crosses the space, she holds her breath as she first makes contract. She runs her fingers along the scar on the side of the wolf’s face, the scar Octavia earned from Roan.

After a moment the wolf leans into the fingers and then Raven places her palm on the side of her face. “Hey you.” She laughs through the tears that have formed when she feels Octavia move closer and lick her face. “Ugh, gross O!” The wolf ignores her and nudges against her face and neck pushing her over onto her back. Raven starts laughing and scratching at the fur, “Okay, _okay_!”

After a few moments, Bill, still in wolf form comes forward sniffing. Octavia stills before getting off of Raven and returning the sniffs. Once satisfied Bill seems to look to Lexa who has sheathed her sword and is gripping her arm. “I have to get back to Clarke.”

Raven gets up with the use of an arm on Octavia’s neck, she leans into her for support. “Go on, we’ll walk back.”

“Your leg.”

“Oh, I meant _they’ll_ walk back; I’ll be taking the easy route.” Without hesitation she grabs Octavia around the neck and hauls herself up onto her back.

Lexa nods with a small smile and looks back to Bill. She gives him a nod and uses her energy to go back to Clarke.

* * *

 

Clarke is still unconscious when Lexa returns. Luna begins to tend to her wound while Lexa waits patiently, resuming her position beside her wife.

By the time Raven gets back, Bill has changed back into a man and Octavia pads into the light quietly.

“No fucking way,” Luna says standing abruptly. Raven laughs as Octavia halts and lets her slide off. Luna walks forward slowly, “Is that?”

“Yep.”

“And she?”

“I always knew she was wild. I just didn’t know how wild.”

“Okay.”

“Jealous?”

“Quite.”

Raven laughs again as Octavia curls up by the fire. Raven plops down beside her and Luna goes to look at her wounds. She hestitates with Octavia, “She’ll have to be looked at too. She’s bleeding.”

Raven nods and looks at Bill, “Do you do wolf care? Or will we have to wait for her to shift back?”

“I will look at her now but yes, she will have to be tended to in human form.”

Raven nods, “Okay… how do we get her to go back.”

He shrugs, “It is hard to say. It is hard to know what provoked the change in the first place.”

“My scream. I screamed and minutes later she was there.”

“Then our suspicions are correct little bird, you are her balance. She morphed to save you; that was the pull.”

Raven narrows her eyes and winces when Luna cleans the cuts on her leg. “So how do I help her?”

“Everyone’s change is different. She has only just found her spirit and gift; she may not want to relinquish it just yet. The wolf can be… freeing. It’s a powerful pull, she will need you to keep her human side.”

Raven nods remembering what she’s been told from before, hearing Bill and Beland’s story. She knows she will help her, they are connected Octavia is as much balance for Raven that she is for her.

The camp remains quiet while they absorb and process what happened. There is little talk about the bears. So far, the theory is that they were scouts, they were definitely working together but to what end they do not know. They could be stragglers, they could be actual wild bears but they know better. They know the bears are in Ontari’s control somehow, they have heard of the beast she rides.

“It wasn’t random,” Raven says loudly causing everyone but Beland to look at her. “The bears. That wasn’t random. Clarke said Ontari rides a giant white bear, we’ve seen it in a distance, ‘king of the bears’.

Bill looks at her, “Bamse.”

Raven blinks. “What?”

“The bear she rides, the king of the snow bears, his name is Bamse.”

Raven nods, “Okay? So she gave it a cool name?”

Bill shakes his head, “We came from Ice Nation. Bamse had his name long before Ontari. She is his daughter.”

“I’m sorry what?” Luna pipes up.

Bill nods, “Bamse was once a man.”

Raven’s eyes widen and she looks at Octavia who is snoring curled around her. “He’s trapped…”

“He lost himself to the bear.”

“So Ontari doesn’t control him?”

“She does in a way; a father will do almost anything for his daughter.”

“But if he’s trapped in the bear?”

“Ontari was an only child, Nia stole her away in the night when Bamse was hunting. She was his balance and when she disappeared, he lost himself. He spent too much time as the bear searching for her scent. Years later he found her but it was too late, all he could do at that point was make the connection and remain at her side.”

Raven scratches Octavia’s ears absently as she thinks. “I won’t let that happen to you,” she says quietly to the wolf girl. “Please come back to me.”

* * *

 

When Clarke wakes she automatically finds Lexa’s green eyes glued to her own. She sighs in relief before they both cling to eachtoher in the oncoming light of dawn.

Clarke tells them what she saw in Claire’s memories. She tells them the whole story from the beginning to the end of the world as Alex and Claire knew it. She tells them of Claire’s time in the veil immediately following her stealing the flames. She tells them the story how the spirits were inspired by Alex and Claire’s pure devotion and stubborn will. Lexa holds her close in her lap, she’s been doting kisses and soft delicate touches the entire time. She’s been whispering sweet everything’s, bathing Clarke and herself in her soft warm glow. 

"Jesus that's beautiful. Fuck you guys though. Making me cry over here, what in the  _actual_  fuck," Raven says sniffling. 

 "Pull it together Reyes."

“That's really incredible though. Clarke you're like a badass who doesn't take any shit in every life aren't you? I bet we are all like 'Clarke no' and you're like 'but Clarke yes ' and crap. Claire is fucking more intense than you… Although, yeah. I’d see you making the same choices. The both of you,” she nods at Lexa referring to Alex as well.

Clarke nods, because, yeah. She would. They would.

"What about  _Wanheda_? That explains Claire and  _heda Kom faete_  but where did  _Wanheda_  come from?"

Clarke widens her eyes and shakes her head, she’s still trying to wrap her mind around it but when she speaks, she knows in her heart what she is saying is the closest thing she knows to the truth. 

"Wanheda is my own design. I broke the rules – continue to break the rules - I created her and the spirits helped me. Through Claire’s mass extinction of most of the human race she tainted and stained our soul. It changed us, she began the process and our soul took on the responsibility over the lives she took based on her decision to remain in the veil to fix her mistakes,” she sighs when Lexa runs a hand through her hair dotingly and whispers her love.

“For some reason, who I am, what makes me  _me_ , it seems I hold a larger portion of our soul and the fact that I have my soul mate, another piece of my soul, at my side it makes me even more powerful.  _Us_  I should say…” she looks at Lexa runs a hand over her cheek. She looks into her eyes, “I should have died in the cave after the trial - I did but I came back and I get it now.  _Ai laik Wanheda_ , I have conquered death, command it, am responsible for it, and, “ she swallows, “I can reach the veil between life and death and new life. I am stronger than Claire and Elyza… Although, Elyza could give me a run for my money…” she adds thinking about how the woman forced her through the door and back into the veil.

“Clarke?” Lexa gasps and tenses. Clarke can feel her chills, her goose bumps, her shock and awe. She assumes it’s more about the veil situation then the mention of Elyza. The light around them and within Lexa shines brighter, stronger, more protective. Clarke sinks further into her side basking in her warmth.

“Uuumm…” Raven interrupts, trying to get them back on track.

Clarke smiles and rolls her eyes at Raven, “I confused the spirits too Rae, they are practically guessing with me okay? So don’t look so dejected for not grasping this fully in your giant genius brain. I barely get it, I just...  _feel_ it; it matches what Claire was trying to tell me.” 

She looks back to Lexa, her thumb tracing the soft plump lips, when she speaks her voice is soft, tired but full of tender love. “I had a hard time believing that I was special but you always saw it, you always made me feel like it. I get it now, I see what you see and I understand what you’ve been trying to tell me all along Lexa. I’m sorry I was so blind and deaf.”

Lexa scrunches up her nose before brushing it against Clarke’s cheek, “I’ll always remind you  _niron,_ don’t worry.”

Clarke giggles and they share a sweet kiss. 

“Ahem,” Luna clears her throat. “Who is Elyza?”

Clarke raises her brow and looks at Luna who looks so interested she has completely forgotten about the food on her lap. “She’s… me, in another life.”

“Can you imagine two Clarke’s running around?” Raven pipes up.

“Her name is Elyza Lex and she’s Australian,” Clarke says, she doesn’t know why but she doesn’t want to erase Elyza’s identity, they may be connected but she is her own woman. Her struggles are real, her feelings are validated and Clarke isn’t all that shocked that she finds herself protective of her and worried for her.

“Lex?” Raven spits out her water and Luna grumbles as she dodges it. 

“What?” Lexa responds out of habit.

“What?”

“Elyza _Lex_?” Raven repeats her question.

“Jesus, I didn’t even make the connection. I didn’t even realize I knew her last name,” Clarke says her mouth parted and her eyes confused. She looks at Lexa and laughs a bit, “We really are weirdly connected I guess.” Lexa bumps her nose against Clarke’s cheek again. Clarke giggles before looking at Raven, “I saw you there.”

“What?”

“Yep, your name is Phoenix. You’re just as smart, just as loyal and strong. Elyza and her… they’ve been through a lot Rae. They’re like sisters.”

“Okay but am I hot?”

Clarke laughs and rolls her eyes, “You look like you except a little more punk rock. You have half a shaved head with blue and red streaks in it.”

“Badass.”

“Sure.” Clarke looks back to Lexa. “There’s more.”

“Of course there is.”

Clarke divulges the rest of the information. Everything she knows about the oncoming threats to them. They already begin to form a plan, by the time dawn fully hits they are on their way back to the main part of TonDC to prepare for their trip to Polis. Meetings must be scheduled, word must be spread and searches must be done to locate the threats.

Clarke slows her pace to drop back beside Raven. She glances at her and then at Octavia, who is still padding along underneath her on four feet. “So… Your girlfriend’s a wolf…”

Raven chuckles and pats Octavia’s head when she growls softly at Clarke. “Yeah. I guess that makes me a furry?”

Clarke groans and rolls her eyes, immediately regretting even broaching the subject. At the same time, she sees Octavia stop and stare back up at Raven.

“What? What did I say?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I miss Clarke and Lexa.
> 
>  
> 
> Fuck you Jason.


	63. Honeymoon is Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey kids, little bit of build up here for what's coming up, things are gonna start to get ugly.

Lexa moves to take a drink from the well while the Natblida continue their work with Raven and Clarke in the nightgrove. The water is cool and refreshing in the heat of the afternoon sun. Lexa watches the proceedings closely while ignoring Titus who keeps grumbling and huffing out air like he’s an impatient cow. She can’t help but smile as it continues, reveling in the moment she just pulled off as she slipped away from him while tucking a piece of paper into her pocket.

 

* * *

 

 _A day ago, Lexa had to approach Clarke with difficulty of keeping a straight face while she asked,_ _“Do you want to explain why I found a piece of parchment pinned to Titus’ back through his hood saying ‘Titus smells as bald as he looks.’ What does that even mean?”_

_Clarke stared at her wide-eyed -as if caught red-handed- for a moment in extreme effort not to laugh; instead, she shrugged, “I don’t know what you’re talking about? …And …If I had to guess, I would suggest that it is a poor excuse for a pun…”_

_Lexa had nodded and slowly approached her with a small knowing smile, “Mmhmm, if you have no idea what I am talking about, explain why there is a cartoon attached - a cartoon that I know to be done by my favourite artist…”_

_Clarke blushed and relented to laughing, “To be fair, it was part of a training exercise in stealth.”_

_“One he was aware of?”_

_“Not unless one of us got caught…”_

_Lexa smirks, “I am so glad you and the children are having so much fun…” she says dryly. “I can’t wait to have to sit there and listen to him moan about it later.”_

_“Your sarcasm is duly noted. And well, you should probably speak to Rae and O then because it was_ definitely not _their idea and this_ definitely didn’t _start a month ago, and I was_ definitely not _the last one to join in…”_

_Lexa laughed lightly, “Who is winning?”_

_Clarke smirked, “Your daughter.”_

 

* * *

 

Lexa chuckles at the memory and fiddles with the latest piece of parchment in her pocket, one that reads (in Octavia’s writing) ‘kick me, I probably deserve it.’

She has joined the game as well and left her own piece of parchment behind. The premise is simple: collect and save the parchment you find on his hood and replace it with your own, whoever has the most parchment is the winner. Basically, the game ends when Titus finds out.

Lexa smiles when she sees Titus walk into the group to provide instruction to Peyton, she resists the urge to snort out laughter when she sees a new piece of parchment on hid hood, one _definitely not_ done by her own hand. It definitely doesn’t read ‘ My head is polished, stop asking.’

She may have joined the game late, but she isn’t missing out on this fun. It’s refreshing and she soon learned that every Natblida was in on it.

She smiles as she watches the Natblida’s listening intently to Clarke and Raven. She is proud at the respect they show them, she can see the look in their eyes that they care and respect them. It is the same look they give Lexa. It is a look no one has ever given Titus. The looks reserved for him are mostly of fear and resentment.

Life as a Natblida is hard to say the least. Titus, in his cold and callous ways, becomes an enemy even without _really_ meaning to, his intentions are good but it is very clear to Lexa that his practices are old and tired – ineffectual.

He becomes the bad guy though she knows he means well. His job is to provide counsel to the Heda and raise the future Natblida’s, which he does and does to the best of his ability. Though they learn a great deal from him and his harsh teachings, he never becomes the person they look to like he should. They never and Lexa has never looked at him the way they look at Clarke or Raven teaching them.

The more she realizes this, the more she knows Clarke will have to take his place, the flamekeeper should be looked at the way they are. The flamekeeper should be a safe haven and compass while remaining as strong and deeply rooted as a tree.

The flamekeeper should be the Natblida’s teacher yes, but they should also be open and willing enough to provide the full spectrum of teaching, including love. The pillars of being commander are wisdom, compassion and strength – but Titus does not teach compassion because he shows none. Natblida are special and the more she observes she knows the flamekeeper needs to be just as special to be able to provide guidance properly. She doesn’t want ruthless _Heda’s_ after her and Clarke; she wants wise, strong and compassionate _Heda’s_ who are _not afraid_ to be ruthless.

The more she thinks about it, the more she knows that it's really amazing any of the Natblida’s still exist, considering she knows few who actually bore children. Most natblida children were conceived in the eve of battles or in brief lulls of war; few were planned because most of them fight and die in the conclave before ever bearing young.

To say these thoughts hadn't troubled her before would be a lie.

To say these thoughts had increased their presence since she saw Maks unceremoniously left for dead in the snow would be the truth.

Seeing a dead natblida outside of the conclave is rare, seeing them dead because of you and the laws you all live in is torture. Knowing that they'll all have to face a fight to the death upon yours is gradually more and more devastating, making less and less sense. Especially now, when she knows her death is becoming more and more probable in the current state of affairs.

She's always thought it. Even before she killed her brothers and sisters she knew the conclave was barbaric, but at the time, she didn't know any better - not really. And after, well things were so fucked up she hadn't had a lot of time to dwell on the topic. It made it easier to not have to think about it or what she had done. She learned that it helps no one to live in the past. 

But the future is connected to the past, so as Lexa considers her natblida’s future she can't help but think of her past. Her own conclave. What she had once needed to do to survive, they too would need to do - and only one would survive. She swallows at her sudden emotions, the thought of them falling to each other breaks her heart. Clarkes said it before, 'if the Nightblood’s are so rare why do you let them kill each other?"

Lexa sighs heavily.

_It will upset some of the clans. It will go against tradition. Titus is going to lose his shit. There will be some support but there will be pushback as well._

It should have been something to come later but now, with everything that has come to light, she cannot afford to wait for the coalition to reform completely any longer.

The conclave must be changed sooner rather than later.

 

 

* * *

  

They say the first week of marriage can be the hardest. It's when the honeymoon is over and you go back to your real lives; most couples go through a period of flux before they find their groove; while others, well they fizzle, the bliss bubble bursts and it all sort of burns to ash.

So it's a good thing Clarke and Lexa are anything but normal. It's a good thing they're special.

Otherwise, their relationship would be smoking rubble right now.

You see the outside world doesn't give a single fuck about their 'honeymoon' week. The moon kept rising at night, the sun during the day.

The world kept turning and things kept getting darker. People keep going missing, clans keep bickering, threats of the unknown continue to loom. Oh, and remember that bitch Ontari? Well the minute they stepped into the borderlands after leaving TonDC accompanying Raven and the nightbloods back to Polis they had been periodically feeling her watching. 

But wait. There's more! 

The first of what they expect will be many meetings of the clans is finally arriving and stress of trying to be well prepared for it is slightly daunting. They both keep going back and forth on how to approach the undead topic. They worry because the rumours are connected to Clarke; even if untrue, they still spread like wildfire. It doesn't help that a few members of the union ceremony guests went missing on their return trips home. It's also a pretty far fetched story to bring to the meeting in the first place, death is a highly regarded part of life, the grounders do not fear it, they respect the cycle, she knows this will offend most. 

"We need proof!" Clarke shouts, slamming her fist on the balcony railing of the throne room. "We've been saying that for days, and still, we find nothing."

"No one has radioed in yet today. We still have time. Raven has been scouring the annexes for any mention of this Rottenburg Corporation you mentioned."

"The meeting is tomorrow. We are running out of time." 

"Well, Raven hasn't failed you yet and she'll be hard pressed to do it now.” Lexa assures her, putting an arm around her shoulders, which Clarke sinks in to. “There are other matters we need to put forth anyways, maybe this will take your mind off of it for a minute, I have been thinking about it for some time now, what you experienced tells me only one thing for sure."

"Enlighten me."

"A little less attitude would be appreciated Clarke, I'm as stressed as you, besides, on this - we will agree."

"I'm sorry, I know. I can't help it sometimes. We're married now so you're stuck with the good and the bad." She sticks out her tongue before kissing Lexa's cheek in apology. "Please continue."

Lexa rolls her eyes and bumps their hips together playfully, "You're lucky you're cute Griffin."

"Aren't I Kom Trikru now?" Clarke smirks.

Lexa's eyes widen and she turns to look at Clarke, "That's a bit old fashioned to take your spouses name." 

Clarke shrugs, "Is it? I may have been born in the sky but my feet are on the ground now," she noses Lexa's cheek, "living amongst the _trees_. Besides, there's only about 200 Skaikru left and we are one, our clans have already meshed. I could say the word and Skaikru becomes Trikru; Skaikru is no more."

 Lexa rolls her eyes at Clarke’s coy smile, "You know how much I love it when you assume your power _Wanheda,_ but for now Skaikru must remain, we need to help keep the vote in our favour."

Clarke sighs and nods in agreement, "I know. Maybe I'll just ‘grounder hyphen it’, Clarke Kom Tri en Skai."

 Lexa grins at her cheekiness, "What's one more name right?"

Clarke hums happily as Lexa plants a kiss to her cheek, "Exactly. Now what did you want to say?"  

"I want to change the conclave."

_And mood killer._

_She agrees. But still._ A Conclave means Lexa is dead, and that is not a topic she enjoys. Plus, now a conclave would mean she’s dead too, because if Lexa falls – Clarke is still Heda – but if they both fall…

"In other words, you've been thinking about your death again..." Clarke makes a point to stare at the city instead of Lexa.

"Clarke," Lexa sighs exasperatingly.

"Sorry." _Couldn't help it_ , she doesn't need to say it - Lexa knows.

 "I wanted to have the conclave changed for some time now. I was simply trying to wait until I had the coalition re-formed, as it will affect all of us. It is not my decision alone, the choosing of _Heda_ has always been done this way and effects all of the clans."

Clarke nods once in understanding, she suppresses the urge to shiver at the memory of seeing the undead. She forces the thoughts of Elyza from her head. "And now we don't have time to wait because of this new problem."

"Precisely. If this infection –that’s what we are calling it right? Well, if it spreads and we cannot contain it there won't be many clans left but there must be a _Heda_ , Clarke. I may not understand much of this, but I do know they will need a leader when this is all over. We may not be able to contract the virus because of our blood but we _can_ get eaten alive, arrows still pierce flesh and blades are still sharp."

"Okay. I agree, you know that, but can you stop talking like we are both going to die, _beja_? I know it's a real possibility but just- can you not?” Clarke glances at her, “I prefer when we ignore that dead elephant in the room."

Lexa laughs softly and kissed her head, "As you wish."

They lean into each other for comfort as the silence lingers for a moment.

"Can I be there when you tell Titus?" 

Lexa laughs, "No, not this time _niron_. He will already think this is coming from you, seeing you there will only further his suspicions. This I have to do alone."

 Clarke turns to face her, hands slipping around her back, "I'm proud of you, you know that?"

"How do you mean?" 

"The _Heda_ I met in that cramped tent all those months ago would have never come up with this decision and been brave enough to push for it. Don't get me wrong, she was plenty brave then, but a part of her was afraid, the part you used to try so hard to hide away after Costia."

Lexa nods once, she knows what organ she's referring to, it’s the one currently beating for the blonde in her arms.

 "Soon as you stopped running from it you became braver and stronger than the _Heda_ you were before."

 Lexa smiles at the warmth she feels coming from Clarke, "Well I can't take all the credit. Someone had to have enough fire inside to melt the ice."

"You're a smooth sap _commander_. I love it."

"I love you."

"Sap."

"Stop being gay, I've come through once again!" Raven interrupts coming into the room. 

The interruption is welcomed as Raven divulges what she's found. Clarke could kiss her as she shows them some of the papers with possible locations and areas to search that made any reference to Rottenburg that she had found so far. They quickly scour maps and begin sectoring off the land to be used to conduct searches for the Rottenburg vaults.

For the first time in days they finally feel like they have made headway.

 

* * *

“So are you ready for this meeting?” Lexa asks placing Clarke’s shoulder guard and new sash on her.

Clarke swallows and fiddles with her cloak, “I wouldn’t say _ready…”_

“There is nothing to be nervous about Clarke. You are _Heda_ as much as I am, the clan leaders respect you. This meeting is like all the ones before except you have more freedom.”

“Same as before? _Really_? We are bringing forth a topic of the undead, something that goes against _literally_ all of grounder teachings and defiling the sanctity of death, as well as proposing the motion to change a hundred fucking years of tradition regarding the selection of a new _Heda.”_

Lexa shrugs, “Childs play compared to joining the coalition during civil war.”

Clarke narrows her eyes, “We are still doing that too,” she points out. “Why aren’t you nervous?”

Lexa grins, “There was a time when I would be, but that was erased the minute you chose to stand at my side.” She offers Clarke her hand, “Come on _Wanheda_ , your subjects await.”

Outside the doors to the throne room where the delgates are gathered Lexa offers Clarke some more words of advice and encouragement. She tells her to be brave, to remember who she is and what they fight for. Don’t show them weakness.

It’s easier said than done and Lexa knows this, which is why before she has the guards open the doors she lays the most heated kiss on Clarke’s lips and thrusts all the pride and love and courage she can into her wife.

And with that, Clarke is ready. 

She’s a little wet between the legs now, but she’s ready nonetheless.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's funny(?) that I can write a fictional world going to shit and it's still not as bad as the one we live in.
> 
> Good luck and Gay rainbows, America. You need it.
> 
> \- the rest of us


	64. Clexa vs Titus Round 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Titus is a bad, sad, lost dude. Clarke and Lexa are angry. Kai is courageous. Raven gets a promotion.

 

Clarke’s head is pounding. Her brain hurts, her ears hurt and she feels exhausted by the end of the meeting. She walked in, head held high and took her position to the left of Lexa’s throne. She exuded confidence in every action and every word. She stood dutifully beside her wife as they divulged what they knew.

The meeting goes as well as can be expected. There was yelling and posturing, fists pounding on arms of their chairs and wary looks exchanged throughout the entire thing. It lasted for hours. By the end, she was _so_ done.

 The conclave issue will be voted on in a week’s time while the delegates pass their own motions and votes with their respective clans before returning for the final vote. 

 Titus, to no one in the inner circle’s surprise, was pissed and only stayed for a portion of the meeting. Lexa had already informed him before it what she would be bringing forth regarding the conclave and she actually forbade him from remaining in the throne room while they discussed it. She didn’t want his words or connections to the clans to help sway anyone. She knows his time of influence will soon be over.

And the motion must pass.

As for the ‘undead problem’ - _that_ also went as well as expected.

None of the delegates had seen any proof of the issue yet and therefore doubt was ripe in the room. They have been informed, the news will spread and inquiries have been requested within their clan’s villages for anyone with information to step forward. They do not  _believe,_ _not yet_ , but they believe that their  _Heda’s_ see this as a real and present problem, so it is taken seriously. They have even offered to help join the searches for the vaults in any areas that their clans are close to.

 They explained to the best of their ability what to watch for, to avoid being bit, and how to end the undead. They impress the fact that none should be kept alive, how they know to end their fights and to burn the bodies after. The goal is to get ahead of this threat and contain it. 

They neglect to inform them that Skaikru, Boat Kru, Plains Clan and TriKru will be aiming to capture a few of them for Raven and the Skaikru doctors to study. They wish to find a cure, but they know they may only find little understanding. Finding a vault and scouring it for information as well as capturing and keeping a few undead ‘alive’ will be their best chance to save not only their world, but Elyza’s too. Clarke knows the idea sits sour in Lexa’s mouth because it is reminiscent of the Mountain but she also knows it must be done, which is why they keep this information from anyone who does not  _need_  to know.

And to top it all off, Clarke’s been having dreams. Her mind has been checking in with Elyza in her subconscious, it’s not nightly. It seems to Clarke that it is when Elyza is feeling particularly vulnerable or lonely. Each time, Clarke wakes a little heartbroken for her and Lexa holds her tight until she calms down. She is getting increasingly more and more tired but continues to wake at the same time every day and continue with her duties.

Her lack of restful sleep only adds to the situation that comes three days after the clan meeting. 

 

* * *

 

 

It’s mid-afternoon and there is a thunderstorm raging outside. The winds are harsh, it is humid and the rain is relentless and coming in a thick sheet. The thunder rolls as clouds collide and lightning flashes in the distance.

Clarke has left Raven in the annexes while she goes in search of Lexa, whom she is feeling an odd sense of unease from. It’s not quite fear but it is something close to it. She finds Lexa not upstairs in the tower but in the kitchen reading while seated by the large stone ovens.

“Hey you,” Clarke murmurs coming behind her and kissing her head. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing. Just reading.”

Clarke smirked and rolled her eyes, “Got that much, I meant why are you reading in the kitchen?”

 

“This is where I read… sometimes.” She says softly leaning in to Clarke’s lingering hand on the side of her head.

Clarke tilts her head, “Since when?”

Lexa sighs closing the book. “Only when the weather is this bad. The stoves and the smells are soothing… and the kitchen is on the ground floor…”

Clarke finds the accompanying blush adorable and puts the puzzle together. They’ve yet to share a storm like the one outside so this is new behavior to her. She finds it charming.

"You don't like thunderstorms?"  She resists the urge to smile at the fact that her big bad commander is afraid of thunder and lightning and God, Clarke just loves her even more.

Lexa can see the struggle Clarke’s currently losing with her face. Scowling, she sits up a little straighter. "No. They frighten me a great deal; the tower is high, the storms can feel too close. The rain and wind can come so fierce the tower feels like it's swaying. The thunder rumbles in my chest and throughout the walls... They make me feel too small, too powerless. They can wreak havoc and there is nothing anyone can do about it."

Clarke smiles at her honesty and sits down on her lap, "I can understand that. I love thunderstorms though… they aren’t as scary as an asteroid shower.” She catches Lexa’s small tug on her lips and she knows her talking to her is helping calm her down so she continues, “I remember the first time I felt the rain on my face like it was yesterday. I can still feel each droplet. It was innocent and a breath of fresh air." 

She takes a moment as Lexa watches her reminisce in the feeling with a small smile.

She blinks as she starts playing with one of Lexa’s hands. "But thunderstorms, well, I actually love how small and powerless they make me feel. They remind me how powerful the Earth is, how we may not all be deserving of it and how grateful we should be that the earth continued on after the bombs."

Lexa stays quiet but Clarke can feel her calming even more. She brushes her lips against her knuckles.

"I did surgery on Finn in a hurricane, not unlike what’s happening outside now. I can still hear the wind howling. But I wasn't afraid of the Earth then, I was afraid of losing Finn. It kept knocking out the radio I was using to have my mom talk me through the procedure; it felt like an omen, one I understand now. It was as if the Earth was trying to warn me… warn me to let him go then… if I had of… we could have avoided so much after." 

She swallowed the bitter taste in her mouth and huffed against the smell of burning flesh in her nose a she thinks about the pyre.  _Murdered and murderer, joined by fire._ Lexa squeezes her hand.

“It was after when I feared thunderstorms; when it was over and I stepped outside and saw the destruction and devastation. The walls we had worked to build were down, there was debris everywhere and the trees were uprooted…everything we worked for destroyed not by man, but by the Earth. It was oddly refreshing at that point to see…” She shakes her head, “I love that feeling though, that type of fear is one I find healthy. I like to be reminded that not only am I on Earth, but I’m a guest here, it is not my right to stay – it owes me nothing; I don’t own it or have any inherent right to it for just being human. I like that I have to strive to be worthy to stay.”

“Survive, you mean?” Lexa says playfully, as a particularly loud bang lets out that neither can decipher as doors or thunder.

“Once I thought that was what it was about, but now no, now I know to stay you must seek to  _live_. Our life is not about survival any longer Lex.” She kisses her cheek before peppering more down her jaw before capturing her lips.

“I still don’t like them,” Lexa says when she pulls away smirking. “The kissing helps.”

“Maybe we should take this upstairs then? Really show the storm how to make the tower shake?” Clarke tilts her head and wags her eyebrows suggestively.

Before they can even move, shouts erupt outside the kitchen before the doors are banging open and Octavia panting, soaked to the bone, and bursting through screams again, “There you are! Why the fu- never mind, come quick!” Octavia shouts wiping at her soaked face.

 

The two leaders bolt in her direction as she turns back out the door.

 “What’s happening?” Lexa growls while catching up.

Octavia is pale as a sheet and glancing back at them; “It’s Titus, he found out about 'pin the tail on the Titus' and he just... Lost it. Kai, stood up to protect Peyton when she got caught and said she came up with it and he just snapped - started yelling about a new conclave and the need for order. It’s not good. We have to hurry!”

Clarke and Lexa both snarl at her words. Titus has been particularly prickly these last few days since the clan meeting. His anger has been very present and at the surface compared to before when he kept it deeper, kept it secret. He knows Kai's relationship to them and that brave tiny soul standing up to him will only be seen as further insult to his ego, to his precious traditions and teachings.

Octavia leads them outside the tower doors and into the sheet of rain. Lexa’s fear of the storm is long forgotten as they rush forward. They are instantly soaked and can barely hear the splash of their feet against the stone over the sound of the storm. They make it to the courtyard where Lexa lets out the most guttural growl Clarke has ever heard her make when they see it.

“ _Em Pleni! Titus, chil yo daun!” That’s enough! Titus, stand down!_

He doesn’t hear her over the storm. Clarke’s insides churn as she sees what’s happening and their pace quickens. The natblida are all standing stock still, fighting the wind and rain while the storm tears around them. She can see the dilemmas on their faces, the desire to obey their teacher and the pull to defend their own.

 Clarke’s eyes widen, she knows why Octavia needed them; this will only be solved by the _Heda’s_. No one else has the authority to step in. Even the twins stand idle; Bill is in wolf form and is snarling at the edges of the yard, Beland is beside him murmuring, fists clenched and Clarke can tell he’s trying to keep him from acting. In the centre, Titus stands with his back to them and Clarke quickly realizes what’s happening.

Kai is in the centre her back to Titus as she stands shivering in tattered clothes, her leathers gone, as the rain and wind pelts her.

Titus rears back once again as the girl trembles, struggling to keep standing, and Clarke sees the black leather whip arch. 

“This fucking guy,” she growls as her vision is blurred by a particularly nasty gust of wind and rain.

“ _EM PLENI_!” Lexa shouts again, the closest Natblida’s see and hear her; you can see the relief in their eyes at the sight of them.

“Come here!” Octavia screams, those that hear her listen. Slowly they begin to huddle together around the twins and Octavia while Clarke and Lexa charge forward.

They hear the crack of the whip, a yowl of pain and neither leader can use their energy to reach her due to the constant sheet of rain. By the time they reach them Titus is bringing the whip down again but Clarke manages to get in front of Kai, shielding her back with her own and hugging her close to her body as Lexa’s arm bolts out and the leather whip makes contact with a snap as it wrapping around her forearm.

She simply growls ferociously at the pain and grips the leather when Titus makes a move to yank it backwards. His eyes widen in shock and fear at what he has just done.

“ _H-h-Heda_ ,” he stammers blinking against the rain as if coming out of a trance. His face is sunken in, his eyes are wild with dark shadows under them, he has not slept in days and he is struggling with his composure. He almost looks shocked at his own actions, or he would if the rage wasn't still so obviously present.

“What is the meaning of this?” Lexa growls ripping the whip from his hand with a tug as Clarke scoops Kai protectively into her arms to sit on her hip. The girl tucks her head into Clarke’s neck and Clarke puts a hand on Lexa’s shoulder. Her wife stands in front of them protectively, rigid and tense while glaring at her teacher.

The man stammers again and Lexa unsheathes her sword slowly, reveling in satisfaction when she sees he realizes the very real threat. “Speak true _fliemkeppa_.”

“Insolence!” he manages to shout pointing at Kai. He turns and points at the rest of the nightbloods huddled close now and refusing to leave their sister behind. “All of them!” He points over Lexa’s shoulder to Clarke, “She has ruined them! She has ruined you! Games are being played instead of training! Insubordination! They are weak! Soft, not fit to be _heda_! You have made them weak! Your legacy is weakness!”

Lexa’s eyes narrow as she listens. It makes sense, this break in his strict hold on his own emotions; this display of his may have begun when Lexa defied him in regards on handling Skaikru, she may have emboldened it when she and Clarke went public with their relationship, she cracked his veneer when she proposed the change to the conclave and now, the final straw, was lighthearted fun – their ‘stealth training game’ of pinning notes on his hood. 

She sees who is truly weak here.

And this scene, this punishment of his, is extreme and a dishonour of his status. Nightblood’s are beaten up in combat training yes, but they are not ever physically punished in such a way as this, it is degrading for any child to be struck by an adult to both party’s but it is especially so for those who will become  _Heda._  

Punishments are stern, they involve chores, extra training exercises and extra time and work on certain parts of their training – but they are  _never_  physical. And this? This is just inhumane. She’s disgusted.

“I caught on to their little games and I called for the mastermind. This one, this  _branwada,_ stepped forward.”

Clarke shields Kai a little closer, protectively cupping the back of her head and muffling her sobs in her neck. 

“Kai wasn’t the mastermind. It was my exercise,” Lexa states, plainly lying, her face giving nothing away but a seething anger. “I condoned it, it was both fun and incredibly successful as a teaching method. I partook, would you whip me too teacher?” She challenges him, posturing in the storm, and glaring at the man. “If this is a punishment you see fit then I know now that I have made the right choice in the punishment I see fit - hold out your arm.”

He glares; hesitates and her eyes narrow as her head dips in a threat. He huffs and shoves his hand out.

“No. The dominant one.”

His eyes flare and his mouth sets rigid as he switches and Clarke sees his eyes then widen in fear. Without hesitation Lexa swings her sword like lightning as thunder cracks around them and her blade strikes his arm, cutting his limb right above the elbow. It severs clean off and lands in a bloody slap in the rain-covered cobblestones. Titus falls to his knees in a howl.

“You will carry your traitorous limb to the city tree-line and leave it for the wildlings.”

Clarke steps forward with Kai, still hiding against her shoulder but watching now with a small smile at seeing the man on his knees and howling in pain as he grips at the stump, desperate to stop the flow of blood. Clarke leans in a few moments to whisper in Lexa’s ear and she nods once before speaking.

“You are relieved of your duties Titus. You are no longer _fleimkeppa_ ; you have dishonoured your post and your charges. You may remain in the city or you may leave, that is your only choice. You hold no rank and no station within Polis or any of the coalitions clans, you will leave your quarters and find somewhere else to dwell.”

“ _Heda_.  _Beja,_  you need me!” he grovels bowing his head.

“She doesn’t need you. None of them need you,” Clarke replies coldly, “Nor do they want you.”

“The flame needs a keeper!” he shouts raising his head, defiance in his eyes as he meets Clarke’s gaze.

“The flame has a keeper, two actually,” Lexa says just as cold as before. She looks smug despite the rain as she watches his eyes flicker from Clarke to Lexa. “I offered her the position months ago.”

“That’s right,” Clarke says smugly with a smirk, “I’m taking your job and since I am also  _Heda_ , the risk of leaving the kids without a charge is higher so Raven will also hold the flame.”

“She is not one of us!”

“She is more of us than you are!” Lexa screams in fury, “Stand and leave my sight. You have an hour to vacate the tower, the twins will accompany you to make sure that arm leaves my city,” she looks at the twins, “sooner rather than later.” Beland nods and Bill snarls and snaps his teeth at Titus.

Without another word Lexa ushers Clarke and Kai towards the other Natblida’s. As she passes Bill and Beland she gives them liberties to expedite his eviction if necessary, and they take their orders seriously as they walk forward to stalk the man holding his bloody limb and struggling to rise. 

Once inside, Clarke takes Kai to the medical wing to have her lashes looked at. She is a quiet storm, a mother bear looking after her young and offering as much comfort as she can give the small warrior in her arms while the _Wanheda_ part of her sill screams for more of the man’s blood. Kai’s tears have stopped but Clarke’s remain mixed on her cheeks with the rain. Lexa joins them shortly after, a quiet storm of herself, her eyes seeking out Clarke’s and Kai’s for comfort of her own. After her wounds are tended to Clarke and Lexa retire for a few hours to watch over Kai.

The girl is quiet in their room until Clarke and Lexa tell her how proud they are of her actions. How standing up for her own is what will make her a great candidate for becoming _Heda_ one day. She tells them she wasn’t the only one who would have; she was simply the first one to do so. Both leaders beam with pride.

The other natblida are instructed to bathe and warm themselves up, they are given the rest of the afternoon off to do what they wish. Most of them, after visiting Kai in the med-wing, end up aiding Raven in the annexes after filling her in quite enthusiastically on what went down. They know she loves it when they give a good play by play retelling of the events.

She had been approached on the subject of helping hold the flame a week ago from Clarke and Lexa due to the mounting responsibilities on Clarke’s shoulders. She agreed enthusiastically to be flamekeeper as well; she just didn’t expect it to happen so soon. Not that she’s complaining, at least now she doesn’t need an excuse to be around the kids.

It also doesn’t hurt to have the certain amount of authority her new title provides. Her brain conveniently begins flashing through the new avenues, dangers and perks of her job.

Yes, this could be good for Raven Reyes.

She feels an overwhelming sense of pride in being selected, purely for being her and her connection to the kids and their education. She knows Clarke and Lexa have plans for Octavia and up until a week ago she thought she’d be left behind, just a cog in their machine, she didn’t realize how valuable they all actual see her until then. Or maybe she did, maybe she did and the part of her that is so used to being let down didn’t believe them.

And in a quiet moment to herself in a dusty row of parchment, Raven ugly cries happy and truly grateful tears.

Not that she would ever admit that.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first step in the shit that is coming. Easing you into it...


	65. Bad News Bears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The shit storm grows

 

A week later, it is almost evening, the sun is nearly ready to begin setting and the coalition meeting will commence shortly after.

Lexa enters the throne room closely followed by Clarke and Raven. She moves swiftly and straight for the throne, when she sits she is rigid in posture, her red sash and long coat splayed regally around her. Her hand reflexively grabs and plays with one of her thigh daggers.

“You need to relax,” Raven says as she slips over the armrest of one of the ambassador chairs, knees dangling lazily over the armrest as she lounges. “This is going to be fine.” 

The new flamekeeper is incredibly at ease for her first official meeting; she is under strict instructions to, at least,  _try_  to bite her tongue before speaking, as the meetings atmosphere can get quite explosive.

So again, Clarke subtly (not so subtly) warns her. 

“You say that now, you haven’t exactly been to one of these meetings before,” Clarke scolds her with a scowl. “You’ll be stressed out in no time too.” She points at her for good measure, “And you better keep your head about you little bird.”

“Look, all I’m saying is that they  _have_  to pass this motion for a new conclave. From what I’ve heard through the ‘gay-vine’ over the past few days as the delegates trickled in it was all good things.”

Lexa rolls her eyes at Raven, “And where  _exactly_  did you hear these good things?” She already knows.

Raven shrugs and mumbles something as she rubs the back of her neck.

“Where?” Clarke asks again with a small smirk. "Didn't quite hear that."

Raven huffs and this time speaks up, “I might have heard it up in the taverns. Octavia has been gone for the last few days with the other furball on their search in sector 2, I’ve been bored at night and Luna happens to be an excellent drinking companion. That woman knows everyone okay. Damn, let me live moms.”

And just like that, some of the tension breaks as they all chuckle. Clarke puts her hand on Lexa’s shoulder, soaking in the small smile remaining on her lips. “Despite where she heard it, I agree with her. It’ll be okay, the vote has to be in our favour.”

Lexa scoffs a little and grabs Clarke’s hand, giving it a small squeeze for comfort. “I do not think I am worried we will lose the vote for change. I think I am more worried about what happens when we win it.”

Clarke shakes her head, “What do you mean? We already set out good parameters for the changes?”

“Yes, I know that, I am referring to the other clans that did not have the chance to vote.”

“Well, they should have been part of the coalition then,” Raven says with a lilt to her voice.

“Not helping,” Clarke glances at her, she looks back to Lexa and sighs. She begins pacing back and forth, “I hadn’t really thought of that. Of course they will hear of it, and they  _will_  have something to say about it. I mean, the majority of them want to be  _Heda_  or have some sort of foot in the door to power with a natblida…” She stops and looks from Raven to Lexa, “You don’t think some of the other clans are withholding natblida children like Azgeda did do you?”

Lexa sighs and rubs her forehead, “It is possible. Unlikely, it is hard to hide such a thing... but Ontari proves it is possible.”

Raven shifts on her seat and spins to land her feet on the floor and sit properly. “You think the city is under a threat?”

Lexa and Clarke turn to look at her, Lexa speaks, “Since the attack at the festival it has been under threat. It showed that Polis is not as impenetrable as was once thought.”

“So what do we do?”

“We plan for such a thing. There is a large standing army, mercenaries as well in the city and neighbouring villages. The citizens will defend their city as well, we saw it at the festival.”

“I’ll meet with Ryder, he can give me the numbers and I can run some scenarios and give us a few extra options. I’ve also got some toys that could help for such a thing, I’ll show you when I’m finished with them.”

“ _Mochof_   _Fleimkeppa_ ,” Lexa smiles at her and Raven winks with a huge grin.

Raven stands up and walks a little closer, “Listen, I really wanted to thank you guys again for that… it means the world to me.”

“Raven you don’t have to thank anyone, you were made for this,” Lexa says softly.

“She’s right,” Clarke chimes in, “you’re great with the kids and people in general. You’re exactly the type of person they need to help them grown and learn. Just because you aren’t as proficient in the physical training doesn’t mean you don’t belong in this role, we all know how much being  _Heda_  is beyond battles and war, it is their education and who they are as people that will make them great leaders. They have an advantage with a genius teaching them."

“I love it when you call me that.”

“Shut up Reyes, you always have to ruin the bromance moment don't you?"

She cackles and turns to head out the door, “I’ll be back when the meeting is about to start.”

“Where are you going?” Lexa calls after her.

“To have a drink!”

“ _Raven_!”

“Relax mom, I was kidding!” She winks and closes the door.

 

* * *

 

 

“Well… you weren’t kidding when you said that the meetings can get explosive,” Raven says wiping the sweat off her forehead. She's stress sweating, she didn't even know she could sweat in some of the places she feels it.

Clarke chuckles, “Yeah. They can get pretty intense, be happy no one brought any weapons today.”

“So much yelling. My ears hurt.”

Clarke nods and puts a hand on her shoulder as they walk through the hall, “You’ll get used to it.”

“The Majority agreed to the changes, why was there a need for so much yelling?”

“Sometimes they just want to be heard. I’m actually surprised the vote went as smoothly as it did. I expected the yelling to come much earlier in the evening.”

“But even after all that yelling there was still only minor changes made.”

“They seem minor to us, but this is years and years of tradition we are changing. The search and bringing in the natblida’s to the city for training is now altered, they are welcome to come with their families, they will be put through the training and they will choose at sixteen where they wish to focus, whether they wish to be  _Heda_  at all; If they wish to return to their clans to eventually take leadership of them that will be there choice, if they may wish to become apprentices to the flame or another calling, they will be allowed to do so. Free will, Rae, we needed that for them. It seems very practical to us but it's completely new for them."

Raven nods, “I’m really proud of you guys.”

Clarke smiles at her, “I’m really proud of Lexa. It was all her, her idea, her passion and forethought to do it sooner rather than later. I only helped hash out the details.”

“Well, maybe you should go find her after her meeting with Ryder to hash out a celebration,” Raven winks and nudges Clarke’s arm.

“Hah hah," Clarke says dryly and then coyly glances at her, "You think I’m not already planning that?”

Raven laughs, “God. I miss O.”

"You or your vagina?"

"Both. Always both," Raven laughs.

“She’ll be back soon. Bill and her are due back next week. Don’t worry about her, he will keep her safe.”

“I know she’ll be safe, I just don’t want her stuck that way… she's never gone this long in that form yet." She looks at Clarke, "I was only kidding about being a furry Clarke and I don't want a pet."

Clarke barks out a laugh, “I am aware you asshole. Just do whatever you did before- Hey, how did you get her to change back after the initial change? She was like that over a day and half.”

Raven blushes, “I got naked.”

Clarke stops and stares at her. “ _Seriously_?”

Raven laughs and shrugs, “I got naked and told her I was going to take a bath and think about my hot girlfriend. Then I shut the door on her. Paws can’t open doors, I knew she couldn’t resist, took her a hot second to morph back and land behind me in the tub.”

Clarke laughs, “Well. I never would have thought of that.”

“That’s because I’m the genius.” She gestures to Clarke to keep walking, she hooks their arms together, “There’s something else though. Something new..."

“What?”

“Before she left, I heard her…”

“Uh huh?” Clarke says slowly.

“No. I swear I think I heard her in wolf form. Like I heard her voice.”

“What? Like you think you heard her thoughts?”

Raven shrugs, “I’m not certain if I did or if it was just my brain inserting what she’s said to me before in lieu of her actually being able to talk as a wolf.”

Clarke scrunches up her nose. “Could be. But... I mean, Beland and Bill both mentioned that you were special…maybe you can hear her? Maybe you can speak to her because you’re her balance? Or maybe your brain is a little more evolved and … _gifted_  than we think.”

“Stop bullshitting Clarke, you can chill, I know I have a gift.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, I spoke to twins about it a few times. I’m still figuring it out though… I feel like a lockbox, or a server of information, unable to forget and constantly whirring, absorbing, processing. I’ve always been able to do it, but it’s become more and more unconscious now even though I am now more aware of it.” She sighs, "I'm not sure why."

“Probably because you are embracing it. That’s what happened with Lexa and I, once we accepted it and embraced it, it developed more…became more intense.”

Raven laughs once, “Well, I haven’t been able to turn my brain off since that night. I know things I don’t remember reading, even things from back on the ark and going through the computers system. My brain is picking up things I don’t even realize. I am able to recognize people I have seen for only a split second and now I’m fairly certain I am hearing my wolf girlfriend’s thoughts when she’s in that form and near me.”

Clarke stops again at her rant. “Wait. Calm down Rae. It sounds to me like you just aren’t quite ready to fully accept it. The sooner you do the easier this will all be. Stop fighting it and trying to make sense of it and just use it to its fullest extent.”

Raven’s mouth closes and she falls silent as she thinks about what Clarke said. Maybe she’s right. Maybe more than just that special part of her needs to accept and not try so hard to understand and make sense of it.

“It’s pretty badass isn’t it? I feel like a supercomputer.” 

Clarke laughs, “Nah, you’re still you. Just a little more aware of your unlimited potential.”

“I’m going to tell your wife you’re hitting on me.”

Clarke rolls her eyes, “Why are you like this?” she says dryly, “I miss Octavia.”

"So does my vagina."

"I need new friends."

 

* * *

 

The following week, Clarke is in the courtyard with the Natblida working on training. She, Lexa and Beland have paired them off for their afternoon session. They work with their bow staffs while the adults move about them stepping in to take a turn or fix a technique and offer tips.

They say it takes a village to raise a child and that’s exactly what is happening with the natblida. Everyone is pitching in to give them a full, well-rounded education under Clarke, Lexa and Raven’s guidelines. Clarke has already added to and changed portions of the  _Fleimkeppa_  journal and right now Raven is making her own notes into it.

“Good job!” Clarke says, high-fiving Peyton and Kai after their bout ended in a draw. “That’s loads better than yesterday! That widened stance is really helping you two."

“ _Mochof,”_ they say in unison, beaming at the praise.

As they all take a water break, Clarke and Beland are speaking while Aden and Lexa are going through another demonstration when Raven’s shout is heard from the other side of the yard. 

Instantly, the leaders are making their way over to her. “What is it?”

“Octavia and Bill just returned, they’re in the kitchen, they’ve been running since last night. They're just trying to replenish the energy they burned. They have news."

They hasten their pace after Raven, inside the tower and straight the kitchens. They find the duo in their human forms, each gnawing into legs of lamb, water and bread.

“What happened?” Lexa says coming to stand before them. "Why the rush?" She knows their haste will not be to bear good news.

Octavia chews a little faster and swallows the mass in her mouth. “The white bears are in the borderlands to the East.”

“Their course?”

“Eastward, they split into two parties, one heading along the tree-line towards the village of Kun and another heading to the plains. They'll be in kun by tomorrow night."

Lexa clenches her jaw and looks at Clarke and then Raven.

“Ontari?” Clarke asks. She's been feeling her gaze off and on for days on days, she knows she's behind this - whatever it is.

Octavia shakes her head, “I didn’t see her. Four headed towards the plains and four towards Kun.”

“That’s not all of them. We saw twelve last time.”

“We killed two in the woods the night of the visions.”

"That leaves Bamse and one other with ontari," bill says after washing down his lamb with a drink.

Clarke nods and looks at Lexa. “What do we do?”

Lexa's jaw slides back and forth, “Are there warriors with them?”

“None that we saw, though they could be trailing behind. The bears acted like they had been trained, like someone told them when to split. As soon as we saw that we knew something was wrong.”

Lexa begins to pace in front of their table. Clarke watches her move back and forth, back and forth. She finds it soothing. Natural.

It’s quiet before Raven speaks up, “You have to go. You have to go to Kun and others have to go after the other party towards the plains. They’ve been sent by that ice bitch; this isn’t a fluke. The two in the woods that we killed were scouts, I’m sure of it now. This is bad news bears…”

“Raven, please, not now with that.”

“Sorry, I couldn’t resist.”

“She’s right,” Clarke speaks up. “We have to send to parties after them. Whatever their endgame is we have to step in.”

Lexa nods while pacing. “And we will.” She stops and looks at Clarke. “I am going to Kun, you are staying here,” she looks at Raven, “Radio Ziva and inform her of the movements. Have her get her warriors ready to head the second party off. Radio Shaw, Delphi will be close enough to get there to help as well."

“I’m going with you,” Clarke says.

“No you’re not,” Lexa stops and looks at her sternly. “I need you here.”

“Lexa I am coming with you or I am going to the plains, take your pick.”

“The city,” she starts to protest.

“The city will be fine. The mercenaries and standing army are here, we will take some of the hunters and a few select warriors, and the rest will remain behind. Beland will stay with Raven and the natblida.” Beland nods along with Raven.

Lexa rubs her chin in thought. Either choice they make is dangerous and she knows it would be foolish to have Clarke remain in the city, she and Lexa are the best chance at giving them an upper hand at defeating the bears before they cause too much destruction. She looks at her wife and sighs when she sees how resolute Clarke is in this.

“Clarke.”

“You know I’m right, I can see it in your eyes, you've already accepted it. This is our best option. We both go.”

Raven speaks up, “My toys are finished as well so Ive got some extra defenses here for us now. The city will be defendable should anything happen."

“If you blow up my tower-“

“Not  _everything_  I make will go boom you guys.”

“Just most of it,” Octavia quips.

Raven punches her on the arm, “I made some turrets, flashbangs, more smoke grenades and some knockout gases.” She made other things that do go boom but she decides to keep quiet about them for now - especially when she hears Clarke's shrill questions that follow.

“Turrets,” Clarke rounds on her “Turrets? LIKE GUN TURRETS? IN POLIS?”

Raven raises her hands in surrender, “Easy killer, I meant arrow turrets. Like a high-powered-multi-shot crossbow.”

Clarke tilts her head, “That’s  _actually_  pretty good.”

“Don’t sound so surprised and wait ‘til you see it in action!”

“No. I’d prefer us not to have to use them at all.”

“How soon can you set them up?” Lexa says over them.

“I have five made, they can be set to automatic or can be manual.  Plus they all have extra cartridges. I’ll have enough time to make a few more if I get the kids to help me. We can have them up by tomorrow afternoon. I’ll need about four big guys to do the heavy lifting.”

“I want one on the tower’s entrance. One on each gate to the city as well."

Raven nods, “And the rest?”

“On the streets, manned, not automatic.” Clarke chimes in, receiving an approving nod from Lexa.

“Okay. I’m off to contact Ziva, let her know what’s up.” She stands and kisses Octavia on the cheek. 

“We leave tomorrow morning for Kun,” Lexa says, “I have to inform Ryder.”

“I’ll go track down Luna,” Clarke says. 

“What do you want me to do?” Octavia says ripping off another piece of meat.

“You two rest and eat, you’re going back out there tomorrow morning too.”

Octavia and Bill share a glance and Bill grins, "what do you wanna bet little bird has already named this plan 'bad news bears'?"

"No contest, that's a given."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhangers are my lifeblood.
> 
> You guys don't understand. Not yet.


	66. War Cry, Cry War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alright kids, hang on tight, next couple chapters are gonna get crazy

 

The following day, forty men and women, a mix of warriors and hunters, mounted steeds and set off for the trip to _Kun_. Lexa, Luna and Ryder ride in the front while Clarke follows in the back with the two wolves; they don’t want to be easy targets riding beside each other. Raven has sent them each with a radio to keep in contact with Polis and apprised of the situation with Ziva and the second pack of bears heading to the Plains. 

They ride at a decent pace and are just over an hour in to the trip when Clarke hears the radio call from Raven.

She slows up and halts Daedalus with the two wolves stopping with her. She glances ahead and doesn’t see Lexa slow or reach for her radio; thinking that’s unusual, Clarke narrows her eyes as Raven’s voice calls to her again.

_“Clarke, come in.”_

Daedalus stamps his feet restlessly at the noise, Clarke clicks the button, “Raven, why is Lexa’s radio not working?”

“… _click….click…”_

“ _Raven_?”

“ _I set you two up on different channels.”_

“Why?” Clarke responds a little too forcefully.

 _“Well, I had good reason I swear! I still can’t find those two missing radio’s so in the chance that someone_ is _listening, I figure multiple channels will be harder to track… Plus, I did it in case we needed to pull a Clarke.”_

“I hate when you reference me as a verb in relation to things that could get you into trouble."

_“Yeah, yeah, get over it. I called you for a reason. Is Lexa around you?”_

“No, she’s still leading and kept riding with the rest, the wolves and I had to stop to hear you better.”

_“Excellent. I’ll speak with her after; I’ll handle the wifey. Listen, I need you to change direction. Ziva needs you, the bears ran all night, her scouts report that they’re early and will arrive within the next hour at the village of Jofa.”_

Clarke looks from Octavia to Bill and back to the warriors getting further away.  _Shit. Not good._ She takes a deep breath and sighs it out looking at the bright blue sky for clarity.

 _Jofa_  is the closest village to Polis that acts as a storehouse of goods for the Capitol. It is, or always used to be, a well-kept secret, protecting Polis from shortages, as well as a safety net of food and trade-wear for wartime and winter. Its size is not huge like Delphi but it is large enough, Ice Nation would have had to send a decent number of warriors with the bears to take it. They had to.

She shakes her head in disbelief, itching to rub her face but refusing, not wanting to smudge her war paint. Instead, she grips at the dagger at her hip while hitting the button to the radio, “What about Shaw?”

_“She’s on her way, but she may be too late. From what Ziva says, it’s bad, Clarke. They have warriors with them. She doesn't know how many."_

Clarke nods and then stops remembering Raven can’t see her _. “_ Yeah, they would need them to take the village. That means _Kun_ probably has the same issues, it's a known safe harbor for those coming to Polis, they would have hit both to be safe. Fuck Rae, this isn’t good.”

_“I know, Clarke. Listen, we don’t really have a lot of time here, are you going or not? Keep in mind, if you say no, I’m just going to pull this same stunt with Lexa.”_

Clarke’s mind clicks into gear and she starts thinking of the possibilities and her options. She looks back at the wolves, making her decision, she then is clicking the button again, “Okay, tell Ziva help is coming, I’m on my way.”

_“Keep this channel open. I’m about to call your wifey.”_

_“Tell her I had no choice.”_

_“She’ll understand Clarke. You and the furballs watch each other’s backs, stay safe.”_

_“Thanks.”_

The line goes dead and Clarke swiftly dismounts Daedalus. She makes sure she has her weapons secure, she reaches into her saddlebag to pocket a few extra items and then whispers in the horse’s ear. A second later, she pats his neck, her forehead rests against his nose and then she side-steps, smacks his ass sending him on his way back to Polis.

She turns to the wolves and Octavia tilts her head confused by her actions.

“You heard her,” Clarke says, “I need to get there now. Don’t look at me like that, O. I’m taking the flames. You guys will meet me there.” She backs up a few steps and calls the flames.

Just as she ignites them to leave she hears a growl and sees one of the wolves move, “Octavia NO!” she screams.

Too late.

The smaller wolf jumps through the flames and into Clarke’s chest, landing on her as the tornado rips them from their spot and they become weightless. When they land again, Clarke falls backwards into thick green grass with the heavy weight of Octavia on her and a mouth full of fur. She struggles for a second to get her bearings. 

“Octavia, what the fuck were you thinking?” she rolls and stands, rounding on the wolf, who she finds now rolling on the grass trying to sooth her burns. “Fuck. O, come here, let me see.”

The wolf stops as Clarke reaches out and she turns for her as Clarke inspects the wounds.

 “They’re just small burns. You’ll live. You’re a dumb shit, but you’ll live.” She stands and Octavia glances away. “Uh-uh, look at me, little wolf,” she commands and Octavia obeys after a moment. Clarke can see the inner fight to be wild and the fight to obey her  _heda._

Clarke takes a deep breath and comes a little closer, tilting her head forward slightly, making sure to keep her gaze, “I get that you didn’t want me coming alone but I am  _still_  your leader, you are  _still_  my  _sekon, Octavia kom Trikru. You take my orders regardless of which form you choose to take, you understand? So help me, I’ll put you on guard duty instead of making you a general like Lexa suggested!”_

She purses her lips when she let that slip as Octavia’s eyes widen at the revelation and she bows a little lower in submission. Clarke softens,  _“That was foolish, but I’m glad you’re here. Bill will catch up, he’s quick.”_

The wolf huffs and pants as she pads forward and nudges Clarke’s hand with her nose before licking it. For a moment, Clarke forgets she’s a human, for a brief moment, she scratches the wolf like dog. The motions she makes release serotonin and calms her slightly as she does so. (Fun fact. 10pts to Hufflepuff.)

Then she comes to her senses and stands back up, briefly wondering at what point was she sucked in to a crouching position, she looks a her friend a second longer and scratches the back of her head, “This is still so weird.” 

She looks around now and pulls one of her two swords off her back. She gestures forward, “Come on wolf girl, use what your spirit-mama gave you, find me the village.”

Octavia sits instead and tilts her head.

Clarke rolls her eyes and shrugs, “What? This was the closest I could get us, I haven’t looked at a map for out here in a little while, plus, there was the added issue of worrying about your stupid ass high-jacking my flames. I don’t even know which direction to point us now. So again,” she gestures, “get sniffin’ little wolf."

 She didn’t know wolves had the ability to roll their eyes. 

Now she does.

Once she has the scent of the bears, Octavia allows Clarke to hop on her back and she bolts in the proper direction. Not far off from the village, Clarke’s nose tingles, her arm hair stands on end and she can smell the death in the air.

It’s already started.

It’s not long after that that they arrive and see the chaos.

“Octavia, find Ziva and Zora!” She shouts and the wolf bolts towards the clashing warriors and bears. Bodies lay littered on the ground, a few dwellings burn, screams and war cries are ringing out as blades and blood fly. 

Clarke can feel Ontari’s gaze land on her, she can’t see her but she can feel her watching for her. Clarke knows it would simply take Ontari looking at one of her warriors to know where Clarke now is, as well as knowing they split up. _Fuck._

She feels another push from Lexa trying to calm her; it is obvious she can feel it too. She’s come to the same conclusion. The stakes just got raised. She shuts her eyes and feels Lexa reaching out again to her. She takes a deep breath and then her eyes open with renewed strength and determination.

The best they can do it hope Ontari is in one of the villages and they can end this once and for all. Clarke growls, she hopes she’s here. Her eyes instantly begin searching for the bears, their biggest threat.  _Currently_.

Clarke can see the closest bear, a few arrows are sticking out of its back, but causing little damage. They certainly aren’t slowing it down. She blanches when she sees it rip the arm off a man and then stomps down and tears into his chest.

“Hurry!” she urges, swinging her blade as her and Octavia fly through the warriors. Clarke shoots off some flames at a few others, giving Ziva’s people a brief upper hand without setting the village on fire. She has to be careful. 

She hears shouts of her title ring out as the people recognize her. She leans close to Octavia and dodges an arrow meant for her, narrowly missing her back shoulder. She becomes more and more aware of her sash billowing over her shoulder behind her and her _heda_ emblem on her forehead shining in the sunlight. She feels an odd sense of power from them.

Call it purpose.

Octavia slams on her heels to come to an abrupt stop as four arrows land just feet away in front of them. The wolf spins lithely, takes off to the right as Clarke points, “There!” She can see Zora and Ziva fighting back to back against four men. 

Clarke lets out a war cry of her own as they approach them, she sees Ziva smirk and grab her sister, dragging her to the dirt. Clarke leaps off of Octavia’s back and collides ungracefully into two of the men as Octavia slams into the other two. All of them crashing into the dirt and continuing to struggle.

Instantly, Zora and Ziva are back on their feet and stabbing two of the men while Octavia and Clarke take care of the other two.

“Ice Queen?” Clarke asks assessing the brief window to breathe. 

“Not here! Shaw hasn’t got here either. We’re outnumbered!” Ziva says. 

“We need to take out the bears! Buy us some time! Here,” Clarke pulls a few of Raven’s toys from her pocket. She holds them up one at a time to identify them for her, “Smoke screens and two grenades.”

“I’m going to pretend I understood that,” Ziva quips as she looses a crossbow arrow at warrior running at them and immediately reloading.  

Clarke engages with another as they get swarmed again. She blocks and kicks before stabbing him in the chest. She turns to rip one of the women off of Zora’s back so the girl can kill her with her sword.

Octavia bounces in and out of their group pouncing and taking out any enemy she can get close to. She is both warrior and wild, effectively deadly. Her powerful jaws, snap and tear at flesh, killing and rendering the warriors useless.

 “Zora will know what I’m talking about,” Clarke shouts at Ziva, referring to the devices she gave her. “She knows what they do, now go, I’ll make a hole.” Clarke spins and launches flames at the next two warriors and beyond, “Go!”

The sisters rush off as Clarke sucks the flame back and spins to launch them in another direction.

“Octavia! Lets move!” They dash off together after the closest bear.

 

* * *

 

“Raven? What did you do?” Lexa growls into the radio after listening to what Raven told her of Clarke and _Jofa._

“ _Don’t ‘Raven’ me Heda, you know she had no choice. She has the flames, the wolves, Ziva and Shaw in Jofa, you needed the warriors with you in Kun!”_

Lexa huffs and glares at Luna who agreed with a murmur. She knows she’s right but she can’t help but feel concerned with the situation, it’s her people, _her wife_ , fighting another battle without her after all.

They continue riding forward, slowed only slightly so she can still hear Raven. She’s not happy but she does understand. She knew something was up the minute Clarke left; it was minutes later when Raven radioed her. And now here we are.

“ _We’re speeding up our pace, we’re going full. We will be in Kun in a few hours. Keep me posted.”_

_“Sha, Heda.”_

_“Don’t try to suck up to me, little bird.”_ Lexa replies back, unable to hide the small twitch at the corner of her lips.

Raven’s return is a set of cackles that die off as Lexa puts the radio in her pocket. “ _To Kun_! _Hyah_!” she says, kicking Icarus into a blazing pace and she hears Luna and the rest of her men follow as quickly as their steeds can carry them. The party thins out as they run full tilt, she can’t be too cautious now, she doesn’t have the time.

She feels Ontari’s gaze land on her briefly, she knows without Clarke with her Ontari can see her, she knows they’ve split up. She feels Clarke’s nerves, her agitation, she reaches out to calm her, to give her strength. They can do this.

When they arrive in _Kun,_ the village is absolute bedlam.

 _“Luna, you take half! That way! Surround them as best we can! Hunters direct your attention to the bears! Warrior on warrior!”_ Lexa barks out the order. Luna immediately shouts back directing the split of warriors.

“ _Look for the Ice Queen, I want her alive!”_ Lexa shouts as the split occurs.

Lexa directs Icarus slightly to the left, the warhorse pounds into the dry earth, kicking up dust in her wake. She unsheathes her sword from her back and cries for their blood. _Heda_ is in her element; she is ready, deadly and aching for the first kill.

Ryder rides close to Lexa protecting her flank, sword drawn. Atop their horses, they hack at any enemy that they can reach; blood splatters the ground in their wake as cries of pain rip through their foe.

Lexa senses the spear before she sees it, she brings up the shield and the spear glances off it from behind her and into the side of an enemy. She sends a rush of energy out in the direction of the next threat she sees, two men go flying backwards before she tramples over them with her horse.

She heads straight for the first bear she sees and uses another blast of her energy to push it backwards. She gives it no chance to recover as Icarus fearlessly gallops towards it, Lexa launches off his back and onto the bear’s side, spearing her sword straight into its lungs. She twists the blade as her momentum carries her forward and rolls to scramble to a stand and attack the next warrior she finds.

She stabs her straight through the chest, her white painted face contorting in pain, her eyes flare as she kicks her to the ground, freeing her sword. She puts her shield up blocking the following enemy’s attempt to blindside her, she spins and sends a thrust of energy at him, just enough to push him off his feet. She darts forward, without stopping, her blade running along his chest and effortlessly precisely cutting his exposed jugular.

Lexa spins and dodges a long spear swung at her, she has to parry the following strike before she can attack. Her sword glances off the spears shaft as the woman blocks her first strike, Lexa rips one of her assassin’s blades Clarke gifted her at their wedding from its hiding place on her chest and flings it into the woman’s forearm. She loses her grip on the spear and Lexa spins, arching her sword in a deadly strike, cutting into the woman through her shoulder and collarbone.

She looks to her left and sees Luna fending off two warriors of her own, Lexa brings up her shield and runs towards her. The sphere of white hot light, burning and sending any warriors in her way to the ground as she plows through them.

Luna is tripped, she falls backwards into the earth as the two warriors arch back to swing down on her. Lexa launches herself into the air; diving forward she brings the shield down just in time to slip between the two warriors, grab Luna and roll her out of the way, bringing the shield up again to protect them both as she does so.

“That was close!” Luna says grinning as they both dart onto their feet, Lexa’s orb still protecting them.

Lexa smirks, “You’re welcome!” She brings the shield down as they rush the two warriors. Lexa down’s her man in one strike; Luna takes hers out by the knees before snapping his neck.

A shrill cry breaks out followed by a deep roar drawing their attention. The hunter’s need help with the bears.

“Let’s go!”

Luna and Lexa dash towards the sound, they run surrounded by the orb of light again, bowling over those dumb enough to get in the way and making the run much quicker.

Lexa sucks in a breath and shoots the energy forward sending two of the bears rolling into the dirt. She keeps running with Luna who has picked up a spear, the woman, well known for her skills in hunting flips the spear with one hand, while her sword is in the other and launches the weapon straight into the side of one of the fallen bears. The hunters closest to it pounce, swiftly ending it’s life. The second bear gets up with a growl and spins stamping its feet before it launches itself forward.

“Move!” Lexa orders her people as she continues forward. Her people move out of the way as the bear charges in Lexa’s direction. Abruptly she stops, brings up her shield and the beast collides with it. Despite his momentum, she’s too strong to be uprooted, her shield sends the bear flying into the air and over her head. She slowly turns to see it land roughly about fifty feet away.

Disoriented, the bear doesn’t have time to recover before it too is sliced open and killed.

Lexa lets out a whistle and bolts in a new direction, a few seconds later and Icarus is beside her matching her pace and not stopping. Her pace continues as her free hand grabs the edge of the saddle and just as Anya taught her, she bounces once using the force of the impact to launch herself back on the saddle.

She kicks Icarus into a faster speed as she races off towards the next bear. She brings up the shield, encompassing her and her steed and making a path for the hunters to follow.

They are winning and _Heda_ is bubbling with power. Her anger and need for their blood, fuels her as she drives forward. Her war cry rips through her lips, sword held forward in her charge.

The light from within her is as radiant as she is as she rides through the sunlight.

She is darkness and light; she is _Kun’s_ vengeance.

But by late afternoon, early evening, when the battle is won, Lexa learns that the true battle is only just beginning.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be fair I warned you about the cliffhanger.
> 
> And be prepared, next bit will be ...dark and pretty action packed. But if you've come this far with me, you won't be surprised. I've been building to these events for AGES so it's awesome to finally have them come to life a bit. Next few chapters will take some time, they will be large and are pretty difficult to layout properly so bear with me. (pun intended)
> 
> As always, a mighty fuck you and middle finger in the air to Jason.


	67. Under Siege

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, this got out of hand but we're so close to the end of this fic! Jayson won't die in this one, had to leave him be for now until we get to the next one as this is getting a little too large for my taste...
> 
> Oh so on that note, here's like 8200 more words and only half of a conclusion to this shit and it's not really edited because come on, really?

 

After ending the calls over the radio and taking a very deep breath in attempts to centre herself, Raven has unconsciously taken up Lexa and Clarke’s habit of pacing.

She started in her mechanic’s workspace, the feeling of frustration and nerves getting the best of her, she just needed a bigger area to breathe. The tightness in her chest was becoming a little overwhelming. She scoured the maps; she ran her calculations, a small part of her prayed, while a larger part of her cursed incessantly.

But nothing worked to ease her mind, the migraine forming quickly and thoughts that were saying everything and nothing all at once.

So she left that room too.

Now, Raven is pacing in the war room as she tries to figure this mess out and attempts to keep from dwelling on the safety of her friends and girlfriend. She feels like she’s missing something, or that being here, safe in Polis is wrong. It feels off. She hates it.

She’s on the verge of panicking and trying desperately to hide it from the kids and, in all honesty, everyone else. 

_How the fuck did I get here?_

She’s technically in charge of the city right now, acting Heda in Clarke and Lexa’s absence. Oh, if Titus could see her now.

 _Raven fucking Reyes_ , acting  _Heda_  and  _fleimkeppa._ Her face threatens to reveal a small bewildered, slightly proud, smirk through her stress at the thought.

And then reality slaps her like the cruel bitch it is; the enormity of the situation sinking in a little deeper.

_No seriously. How in the fuck, did I get here?_

 If anyone  _could_  see her right now she would be attempting to put on her typical brazen, cocky demeanor, but right now, by herself, she’s freaking out. 

No doubt about it. 

 _Breathe Raven. You can do this._ “Be cool. Just. Be. Cool.” She whispers to herself in a soft breath. _Find your lady balls._ She grits her teeth.

She wants to help. She wants to  _be_ helpful. She wants to make a difference and keep everyone safe, though she's not sure how to do that from Polis when the fight is elsewhere.

She’s very stressed out and her breathing is irregular and her brain just  _will not_  stop. She even keeps hearing faint whispers and it’s driving her nuts, unless the whispers already mean she’s nuts, in that case, she’s most definitely screwed.

“Think, think, think, think, think,  _think_! Come on!” She taps the side of her head, wrenching her eyes shut. _What good is it to be a super genius when you don’t have a moment of silence in your own head to think?_ _The fuck am I supposed to do about that?_

By Mid afternoon, she stops pacing, unable to ignore the pain any longer, she’s clutching at the tightness in her chest and the migraine in her head, “I need out of this room.” 

She heads out the doors and for the back stairs. She heads up, then she heads higher, she goes higher than she ever has before, straight to the roof of the tower. With a light sheen of sweat and a little more laboured breaths, she is finally pushing open the hatch at the top of the service ladder and climbing through it. 

She awkwardly stands at the very top of the tower. The wind is ripping around her, strong but not unbearable, powerful, but not enough to knock her over. She takes a brief moment to watch the large fire, the beacon of the capitol, burning bright in the centre. 

The noise of the wind and the feel of the sun and cool crisp fresh air helps drown the whispers and let her chest relax as she breathes it all in. She takes another breath and walks in careful steps closer to the edge to better view the city. The wide open view of the city sucks her eyes to it, it draws her in and holds her close. She feels the weight on her lessen even more so.

The beauty of the view is refreshing, if she stands just right, holds her arms out just enough it feels like she’s soaring high about it all.

She’s just a little bird in flight.

She’s not sure how long she stands there but, eventually, her leg is aching and her arms are sore from being held taught in the wind. Reluctantly, it comes to the point where she can't ignore it and she has to sit.

It’s still gorgeous; it’s just not as fun as flying…

 

* * *

 

A moment can feel like forever, it can go on and on or last for only a few seconds. Raven’s mind, who she is finding she has an intense love/hate relationship with right now, causes such brevity to her feeling some mild relief from her stress and worry that she plants her foot firmly in the hate side at the moment.

Instantly, her secret slice of heaven she’s found atop this tower, once bright and promising, is a little less vivid, a little less colourful. Thankfully, minutes later, she has company in the form of Beland. He squats down beside her, watching her intently but staying quiet.

“Did you get the turrets up and manned?” she questions, as  _Heda_  like as possible, when he doesn’t say anything.

He nods, still watching her closely.

"And they know the alterations to Lexa's plan should we need to defend the city?"

Again, he nods but stays quietly watching.

“ _What_?” She questions.

He shrugs nonchalantly, but there’s a knowing look in his eyes, “The guards told me where you seemed to be headed… It’s an odd place to find you, a little bird such as yourself could blow away up here.”

She sighs and rolls her eyes at his attempts to lighten her mood. With a wave of her hand in gesture to her head she says, “Take a listen, you’ll understand why.”

He smiles and closes his eyes, she feels him invade her mind, listening to it. His smile fades and a curious look takes over his face. When he opens his eyes, she watches him closely now, scrutinizing his every reaction.

It’s a moment before he speaks.

“You know what they are.”

She doesn't respond right away but as soon as he said that the whispers got louder, to the point where she flinched at the sudden volume. 

The man puts a hand on her shoulder, "breathe."

She sighs and glances at him before looking back at the cityscape.

“So it's true. I’m hearing people’s thoughts. Among with everything else going on all up in here,” again she waves her hand in gesture to her head.

“When did you notice it?”

“Before Octavia left with Bill for sector 2. Since then it was off and on, quiet, hardly there… but the last couple of days it’s happening more and more to the point where I cannot get it to _stop_.”

“You didn’t tell anyone. Why?”

“I told Clarke, just not the whole truth… I should blame her, it got more prominent after I spoke with her.”

He nods daring to crack a small smile with her at the mention of Clarke, both of them knowing full well it has nothing to do with her per se and more of what she had said.

“I can help you,” he says softly in his typical gentle manner. “When it started with me I suffered and struggled with the volume and control of it for a long while. Shut your eyes.”

Raven complies gratefully with a nod. A second later she hears a soft chuckle and squints her eyes open a touch when she feels his large hands touch her clenched fists.

“Try to relax little bird. That’s it.” He says as she unclenches her fists at his touch and he lays them on her thighs. “Just breathe, nice and slow.” He pulls his hands back and Raven shuts her eyes fully again.

After a few moments, he speaks once more.

“Picture nothing but blackness behind your eyelids. Block out the sun, you know is there. Picture no light, no images, no shadows. If you require it, picture a black shape, then let it expand to fill your range of view. Focus on the darkness and the rise and fall of your chest. Breathe.”

He gives her a second longer, she feels him listening along with her, seeing what she’s seeing – or not seeing.

"Find the darkness soothing. Do not fear it, embrace it, find peace in the quiet emptiness there."

Raven listens to his advice and tries to clear her mind. It begins to work; she can feel herself lowering the volume before she drowns it out completely. The black consumes her vision and she relaxes.

It is empty; she has a moment that’s just hers again. No thoughts, no whispers, no background processing.

It’s just conscious nothingness she created for herself. So it would seem she _can_ find peace within without having to climb an eleven _decalexa_ tall tower. He gives her time there, as much as she needs before he has sensed she’s ready to continue; once he knows she’ll be able to find her own way back there.

"Very good little bird. Now we work at control. Reach for the whispers, narrow in on a focal point when you pick one up."

She follows his directions, letting the whispers back into her black space. After a few moments she notices some of the whispers have become louder while others have quieted off again as she narrows in.

“You hear them better now. Keep breathing, nice and slow. Keep picturing the darkness. Now, focus on the loudest whisper. Isolate it. You can do it.”

She focuses harder. She listens and listens, the volume distorts. “I can’t,” she says scrunching up her face in determination.

She feels his soft touch press at her cheeks, then the creases of her stress lines forming in her tension. She begins to soften her face again. “Calm. Just breathe and focus. I may not have known you long but I do know ‘Can’t’ is not in your wheelhouse my friend,” his voice is soft and calming as always.

On his words, her stubbornness kicks in,  _that’s right_ , a smirk grows on her face,  _She is fucking Raven Reyes, genius extraordinaire, emphasis on the ‘extra’._  She takes a deep breath and breathes it out through her nose nice and slow.

It doesn't take her long to lock on to a whisper that feels a little more than a whisper, something that feels a little more concrete.

The voice she singled out gets louder, the blackness suddenly has a figure in it, ghostly blue and silhouetted. She recognizes the voice now immediately; it’s Kai’s thoughts about what she’s learning in her lesson with the healers. The figure becomes a little more clear, she can make out the little girl clearly now.

Kai makes up a song to go with her stitches she's practicing and Raven smiles when she hears the girl giggle at herself.

"I did it," Raven breathes in relief, eyes still closed in concentration.

As if on cue at her own success, Raven’s mind is instantly working at isolating others, one at a time and then a few at a time. Her body hums and she releases some of the tension her shoulders held.

“You learn quickly,” Beland murmurs with a soft chuckle as he stops listening to her mind.

She opens her eyes and smiles wide. She has to take a deep breath while fighting the tears forming in her eyes, threatening to spill at both the gratitude she has for her friend and the knowledge that she  _can indeed_ do this.

“Thanks,” she says sheepishly. “Really. Thanks.”

"Anytime, my friend." He smiles warmly at her and nods before he stands again. She takes the hand he offers to help her up and she makes her way back to the hatch with him.

As she turns she stops and pulls his arm halting his progress as well.

“Wait.”

As her brain directs her to focus more something in the distance, she tilts her head and narrows her eyes. She moves closer the backside of the tower and pulls out a gadget from her pocket. She clicks the cylindrical shaped object and a side of it shoots out revealing a screen. She holds it up and out fro her body, she taps the screen a few times as the devices zooms in and an image forms, then adjusts and becomes more clear.

Her eyes widen, _Oh balls,_ she groans internally.

Beland, who stands beside her, watches the screen with her. His eyes flicker from the screen and back to Raven quickly before his large hand grips onto her shoulder offering comfort and strength. He waits until she meets his eyes.

“I guess today is the day we prove ourselves," he says softly with a reassuring nod.

Raven’s glance moves off his again. She quickly scans the distance again before going back to the screen, her brain taking it all in and beginning to process it. Finally, she snaps the device closed with force and slides it into her pocket. She takes a moment to soak in the strength from her friend before she meets his eyes again.

She swallows her emotions as he nods again silently making sure she’s okay, his eyes full of encouragement. She doesn’t need him in her head or her in his to hear the words he doesn’t speak, _breathe, you can do this_.

She looks at her brace, biting her lip a moment and then looks back at him. In her haste to get to an area to breathe before she didn’t bring her fucking radio that normally clips to the outside of her brace on her thigh.

Plus, there’s the brace, looking at it instantly brings the pain back to the forefront of her mind, _fuck._ “I’m going to be too slow. Go, inform the guard and sound the warnings. Have the city prepare. I’ll meet you at the tower entrance.” Her orders come out quite Lexa-like and surprisingly stoic as she clenches her fists trying to get a grip on her nerves.

But Polis is about to be under siege...

 _And holy mother of fuck, I'm in charge_. Her eyes widen and the brief moment of stoicism flies off the tower with the wind, she mentally scrambles to catch it.

Her mind races, her palms sweat and Beland leaves at her orders. He grips the ladder’s edges with his feet and hands and loosens his grip just enough to allow him to slide down it swiftly. 

Raven takes another look at the black cloud of troops marching towards the capitol from a distance, what looks like over a thousand warriors march on Polis and she has an idea who. The image on her screen may have been blurred slightly due to the distance, but she's not a moron.

In fact, she's special _. A genius. A super genius. A fly ass, bomb as fuck, hot, motha fucka_ -

"Who needs a raise... _If_ I was getting paid at all," she says exasperatedly, heading for the hatch as quickly as she can.

 

* * *

 

Raven moves as quickly as she can through the tower, the adrenaline and endorphins allowing her to push her limits and ignore the pain that's sure to make her pay for this later. 

Despite her haste, she’s still not quite fast enough. Halfway down she hears the warnings go off around the tower and then the city. She forces herself to swallow her pride and take the lift the rest of the way. She's killing precious minutes, she estimates she’s down to forty, maybe fifty, minutes before the army is within attacking distance.

She rushes out of the lift when it reaches the floor.

Her first priority - to find the kids in the healer’s wing, “Upstairs! To the throne room, now! This is not a drill!” she shouts out her orders. She's not stopping as she’s barging through the doors, her eyes scanning the wing.

“Aden, Kai, to me!”

The two rush forward and she grips their shoulders, “Go to the war room, grab enough weapons for the lot of you and take them upstairs!”

They are about to question her, their concern for her evident in their eyes; she glares and cuts them off, “Just get upstairs, now! The city is under attack! Protect each other! Hide if you must! I’ll come when I can!” She doubts they will hide, its just not in their blood, but she offers it just in case. She wouldn’t think less of them if they did try to hide, they’re just kids.

Aden nods with a last look at her and heads to the doors, he pauses as Kai hesitates. Raven kneels down when she sees the worry on her face; Kai grips her elbows and helps her down. 

"Raven?" Her voice cracks, her eyes searching. Raven hears the multiple questions in her head, the worry for her noumons, the concern for their people, and the fear for the ones she loves including her aunt Raven.

Raven sucks in a breath at the vulnerability and draws strength from God knows where inside her; She looks at the girl bravely, "It'll be okay. Everyone will be okay. I’ll be okay, I'll bring the boom; you know me. It'll be all be okay." 

The last bit, she says to herself. She is saying things she can’t promise, things she has no way of knowing if they’ll come true. She hopes it doesn’t matter, she hopes what she says doesn’t prove her to be a liar later…

The girl gives her a small grin before nodding and gripping her tight around the neck.

 "Bring the boom, we'll have the blades Auntie Rae," she murmurs into her neck. The strength and certainty in her voice causes Raven to grip her tighter than necessary, to hold her a little longer. “ _Ste yuj,_ little bird.”

" _Ste yuj, Smolheda_ ,"  _Stay strong, tiny commander_ , Raven says with a small smile as she's pulling back. Then, with another slightly teary-eyed look, she is spinning the girl and swatting her butt to quicken her and send her off, "Go now, hurry up."

Raven stood slowly, still drawing strength she didn't know she possessed, and turned to the healers. Addressing them in Trig, she says,  _“Dispatch some of you to attend the front lines of defense, decide amongst yourselves, volunteers preferred. The rest of you stay here! Be ready, kill anyone entering this wing that are not wounded or with wounded."_

At their nods and immediate movement to prepare for the emergency, she jogs out of the room and to the stairs. She doesn’t have time for the lift and she continues to force the pain she feels into the back of her head. 

 _It's all in your head. Mind over matter. Control the pain, don't let it control you_.

Raven makes her way to her mechanics bay and grabs her toys along with a few extras she neglected to disclose to Lexa or Clarke. She shoves as many as she can carry into a duffle bag and her pockets. She grabs a few extras when she finds she still has a few pockets in her coat that have room, she smirks patting the pockets once filled, she's gonna fucking bring the boom if necessary all right.

Lexa can tell her off later, if she lives to hear it.

Fuck, she hopes she does. 

"Huh," she stops for a second tilting her head, "never thought I'd  _want_  to hear her yell at me." She shakes her head minutely,  _focus bitch._

She grabs a sword Lexa gave her, straps it to her hip and then slings her rifle over her shoulder. She grabs extra clips that are strapped to a belt and slings it around her chest. She’d be lying if she didn’t have a Rambo Raven theme song playing in the background of her mind as she dashes for the switchboard and portable radios.

She clicks the radio switch to a different channel. She calls for Clarke.

She gets no answer after several tries. She curses and flicks the dial again, this time she calls to Lexa.

 _“Raven?”_ Lexa responds almost immediately.

“Hey…” she hesitates not expecting to reach her so quickly, “you busy?”  _Fuck, you moron. Stop. Spit it out._

_“Kun is nearly destroyed but we won. Ontari never showed. We are rounding up the stragglers and injured now. We found Bluecliff and Azgeda here; they are working together. I expect Clarke found much the same in Jofa?”_

The revelation sends ice through her veins, Raven, completely uncharacteristically, freezes and doesn’t answer the obvious question Lexa posed. Now she knows for sure who is outside the city gates and now it’s revealed that they brought friends. Azgeda and Bluecliff have designed this all to distract them, to leave Polis vulnerable without _Heda_ and _Wanheda._

Raven knows deep down Clarke didn’t find Ontari in _Jofa_ , she knows Ontari is outside the gates, her sights set on the tower, her desires set on the throne.

She both does and does not want to meet this Ontari bitch; she wants to meet her so she can break her fucking nose but she doesn’t because she doesn’t want her anywhere near the city. Raven couldn't even have one fucking day could she?

When she doesn’t respond, too lost in her own thoughts, Lexa comes back.

_“Raven, what is going on? Is Clarke okay, have you heard from her? All I am feeling from her is fury.”_

Raven takes a deep breath and clicks back to respond. Her mind flashes back to a memory of Clarke telling Bellamy a lie about Octavia over the radio during the mount weather fiasco. It resonates, she has to keep Lexa focused to the most urgent issue, her city, and she has no fucking clue how Clarke is doing - she thinks it's a hell of a lot better than her right now.

Her voice is strong when she opens her mouth, “I’m not calling about Clarke!” she shouts into the radio unable to quell the panic in her voice, “Lexa, you need to get back here now! Azgeda and Bluecliff march on Polis! You have about thirty minutes before the city is under siege!”

A moment lingers and Raven bites her lip to fight of the emotions. 

Lexa clicks back, full on _Heda_ in control, “Raven. Breathe. You’re prepared for this, maybe not as much as you would like, but you are not as vulnerable as you may think. The warriors will follow your direction; the guards will lay down their lives for you and in defense of the city. I’ll find Luna and be back as soon as possible. You can do this…” She clicks off.

She clicks back in a second later, her voice is softer, it’s not _Heda_ , it’s Lexa, her bro offering her confidence and faith in her.

“…Rain hellfire Raven, bring the boom.”

Lexa’s end clicks off again and Raven rubs her face, unknowingly applying grease from some of her toys in streaks onto her face. It’s an accident, but it’s a mask of her own and when she sees her reflection in the metal table she doesn’t wipe it off. She tightens her high ponytail and walks out of the room, clipping the radio to her thigh, keeping Clarke’s channel dialed in.

_She can do this._

She bolts out of the room and back to the stairs. 

* * *

It’s been hours. Hours, the sun sits much differently than it did when they arrived it’s afternoon, almost evening and Clarke is still fighting in _Jofa._ There is still no sigh of Shaw and their backup, no sign of Bill, no sign of a break or relief. She’s been doing the work of five warriors, maybe more. She’s a ghost on the battlefield, never in one spot for too long, spreading out the help wherever she can. Despite her skills, her gifts and power, she offers them little advantage. She has to play it too careful with the flames, she can’t be the reason _Jofa_ falls, not like that.

She fights and fights; refusing to believe it will fall at all. Fury consumes her, it’s controlled, and she keeps her head despite the raging need to let them all just burn. She may see red but it’s not blinding and all consuming, it’s like a pair of glasses with red lenses have been slipped over her eyes.

She bolts through the battle, her short black velvet sash and Lexa’s strip of red floating behind her, covered in blood. Her bloody flag to match her bloody grimace and blades. She has a few cuts and wounds, nothing major, nothing she can’t ignore and be tended to later.

She shoves Ziva off of her as they huddle together and are pinned down behind a wooden dwelling as arrows land in the side of it. They take a moment to catch their breath and wait for the archers to get distracted. “ _Wanheda you are bleeding,”_ her friend says roughly in trig trying to grab her arm again after tearing a piece of her undershirt to use as a wrap.

“It’s just a scratch! We have to get out there. We need an opening!” Clarke pulls her arm back angrily, “If I wasn’t _Heda_ would you be tending to me right now?”

Ziva growls at her and makes her move, “Yes. _Heda_ or not, I would still do this, in fact even less likely were you only _Heda,_ it wouldn’t be allowed to show such weakness amidst a battle - _but_ ” she grabs her arm a little roughly, definitely on purpose at her frustration with Clarke, “because you are my friend, I am doing this and you will accept it. You’re bleeding from your dominant arm, the blood will trickle to your hand and make your grip slip meaning you’ll be forced to fight with only your right hand and you’re deadlier with two.”

She wraps the cloth quickly and glares at Clarke with a small smirk when she flinches at the pain, “Stop moving. You’re above this pain, it is just scratch remember.”

Clarke huffs and pulls her hand back when she’s done. “Well as _your friend_ , thanks,” She looks at her with a smirk of her own, “And as your _Heda,_ do that again if I’m not bleeding out and I’ll cut off your hand.”

Ziva nods exaggeratingly and positions herself at another angle behind the building they’re hiding at. She turns to Clarke, “There’s a bear at the far end of the village, the archers are distracted with Octavia, she could use a hand.”

Clarke nods and steps into Ziva’s space and grabs a grenade and smoke screen, “Remind me to thank Raven if we ever get out of this.”

“What’s the plan?”

“Distraction,” Clarke says handing the smoke screen to Ziva, “pull this pin and chuck it to the archers, give it fifteen seconds then make your move. Use the other grenade on the bear if I don’t get back to you before you reach it.”

Clarke looks back out to the battle, she gages the distance to the other bear, “That one is mine.” She tucks the grenade in her pocket and looks back to her friend with a nod. She leaves in flames to help provide another distraction to the archers with Octavia.

ZIva launches the smoke screen perfectly and in fifteen seconds she, Octavia and Clarke ghost through the smoke and kill the enemies lost within it.

“ _Octavia, on me_ ,” Clarke orders as she runs straight through the corpses and smoke.

Octavia runs alongside her, sometimes travelling with Clarke in the flames throughout the battlefield, always catching herself well within or outside the flames reach depending on the situation. They move together well, feeding off of each other’s energy and strength. Neither will give up, so neither of them do. Octavia runs gracefully alongside her, the two of them working as a perfect team, sometimes Octavia will injure the enemy or knock them off their stride and Clarke will end them with a strike of her two blades. Other times, Clarke will take them down, disarm them for Octavia to end their lives.

Soon, they’ll make their way to the far end of the village and that bear will meet its end.

* * *

 

When Raven reaches the ground floor she tower is buzzing, people are on the move, almost all of them carrying weapons. Lexa wasn’t kidding when she said the people will defend their city. The guards are tense at the doors but nod dutifully with a murmer of ‘ _Fleimkeppa’_ to her as she passes.

Outside the doors she finds Beland waiting for her, full battle garb and black face paint. He rushes forward throwing some armour on her and buckling it for her as they awkwardly keep moving towards the city gates.

“The other gates in case they split off and come from both sides? Who’s in charge?”

“I directed Dirk to lead them, the turrets are armed and ready.” He tells her and she nods her approval as he finishes the buckles.

Warriors and mercenaries run all around them, moving to their posts and forming the lines that will march to meet the army outside the gates. They’ll make an offensive move before falling back to defend. 

It’s their only chance to buy them the time they need. 

 _“Archers, on the high walls and building’s roofs, if anyone gets inside they die!”_ she shouts her commands loudly. Beland mounts a horse while Raven hops into the Rover that he had driven out to the gate for her, thankful that she gave him lessons on driving it she nods in approval. She opens the door and steps up on the footboards looking around at the troops that have assembled.

“ _Your Heda’s have entrusted us to keep the city safe and I intend to do so or die trying! You have your orders, we’re going with my revised plans, see them through, have your weapons hit their mark! Let their blood soak our soil and make Polis proud call itself your home!”_ She’s slightly taken aback by her own words and power in which she said them but she doesn’t show it.

No Raven _revels_ in what happened and what happens because of it.

Cheers erupt around her, no whispers of worry or doubt fill her mind, war cries and war drums ring out in her ears and Raven’s heart beats along with them. She catches a very proud look from Beland that draws a twitch at the corner of her lips but, schooling her features, she remains in her role; so serious is she that her friends, were they here to see it, wouldn’t believe it’s the same person.

Raven gets into the Rover and slams the door; she looks to her right and sees a very delighted Gaia in the ~~shotgun~~ machine gun position.

“You remember how to work that baby?” she nods at the controls to the gun mounted on the hood.

Gaia nods enthusiastically, “Hell yes, Mighty Raven.”

Raven starts the rover and chuckles, “I was only kidding when I said you had to call me that.”

Gaia shrugs turning on the gun’s controls now that the vehicle has power, she nods appreciatively when Raven points to a button she had a moments trouble to find, “I like Mighty Raven, it suits you.”

“Well, I won’t deny that,” Raven says rolling down her window as the gates to the city open. Beland comes up beside the window, looking down at her.

“You know what to do, draw them into a fight then pull back and take the secret tunnel we found in Titus’s old playroom. I’ll do the rest, meet me back at the gates after.”

Beland nods and kicks the steed forward as Raven rips out behind him, she pulls left and he pulls right. The warriors behind them split as well.

Raven drives carefully, mapping out her little toys the Rover is dropping in it’s wake. She chances glances at the approaching army and tries to stay on top of everything. She focuses her mind on the task at hand, she can’t control anything else but this right now, it helps no one to dwell elsewhere.

As she finally finishes her work and the proper positions of her team have been made they turn and make their charge.

It is only then that Raven notices she’s already made a mistake.

The army has split into so many sections while she was driving that she didn’t notice, the two waves of their own are going to being split down the middle with enemy between and on either side of them. She tightens her grip on the steering wheel and presses her foot more firmly on the gas.

She’s certain now that the back gates of the city are also being swarmed. She should have gotten out here earlier; she would have drawn more of them to this gate, to this fight thinking that this was their only defense. Even now, she may have left the city vulnerable and without a good defense, especially if this plan goes any deeper into shit than it already has.

She pushes the rover faster leading further away from her troops behind her and catching the angle to begin firing the machine gun without any friendly fire to Beland’s troops. “Light ‘em up,” Raven orders to Gaia who grins and grips the controls.

The machine gun roars to life over the sound of the rover and bullets begin to rip through the air.

“Yaaaas bitch! Get some!” Raven shouts excitedly seeing her work come to life in a real scenario causes her to lose her cool just a touch. The bullets rip with dazzling speed and startling accuracy at Gaia’s hands. She points and shoots and Raven guides them like a well oiled machine.

“You got this! That’s it!” she shouts at Gaia, the gun, the rover, and herself.

Raven keeps weaving in and out of the battle as the warriors begin to meet on the field, Gaia and her can no long use the gun due to friendly fire but they can run some of the fucks the hell over.

So she does.

As may as she can before she sees them getting surrounded. She smirks and flicks the speakers on the Rover letting the sound ring out onto the battlefield. Another click later and she has music playing loud, bass pumping out Black Eyed Peas, ‘Boom Boom Pow’.

She cackles and continues driving around the Azgeda and Bluecliff warriors, the rover’s armour deflecting the arrows and spears aimed for her windows. Thankfully none hit her tires and she distracts them to allow her troops to fall back to the city and the tunnels.

Now the real plan kicks into action.

As hundreds of the enemy clue in to what’s happening they begin to give chase to the retreating warriors. Raven smirks and begins to follow, her hand hovers over a button on the dash, her eyes light up in anticipation.

“Hurry up you bastards,” she mutters impatiently. Finally, they are in position, she flicks the music again for the warning to her people and Whigfield, ‘Saturday Night’ starts pumping out instead. Raven cackles again and slams her palm into the button on the dash.

The field where she left her little toys erupts in explosions in rapid succession. Huge craters are created as warrior, blood and earth go flying through the air amidst flames.

“Wooooo!” Gaia screams with a fist pump before she high-fives Raven.

“Finally! One of these god damn things works on the first try!” Raven exclaims happily altering her course in the chaos and heading for the gates. She’ll have to remember to tell Clarke that she made up for the Mount Weather remote.

Raven flies through the gates to the city and the guards begin to close them.

Her moment of success vanishes before her eyes when she realizes the city has still been invaded. She was right; the other gate was over run, the city is flooded with the enemy. She hops out of the Rover in front of the tower. Pulling her gun over her shoulder again, she looks back at the gates, the turrets are still firing automatically but they’ll be out of arrows soon. She shouts out her orders to the men closest to her to refill them and they rush off.

“Raven!” Beland finds her a second later and pulls her towards the doors, “Get inside!”

“I can’t, I have to help!” She tries to pull away.

He growls and holds her steady, forcing her to look at him, “Help from inside, get to a window and shoot – you’ll die out here little bird! Be brave not stupid!”

She clenches her jaw and nods rushing to the doors.

She takes the stairs and finds a perch four floors up and sets up with her gun. She begins picking off targets easily helping wherever she had the angle.

Raven is reloading her second empty clip when she freezes, for the second time that day, ice runs through her veins.

Her mind picks up Kai’s frantic thoughts; the girl is contemplating the threats and weighing the consequences. She’s in danger. And she’s not alone. Raven’s eyes widen in panic and the volume in her head adjusts, she can hear all the nightbloods now. “Fuck!”

She runs out of the room, slamming the clip in place and pulling the slide so the chamber is ready with a fresh bullet. She pulls a silencer out of her pocket and twists it on the end of the gun as she moves carefully through the tower’s hall towards the stairs.

She checks every other level glancing through the doors before moving on; the higher she gets the less guards she finds, either they’ve been pulled out to the city or she finds them dead or simply gone. She cautiously moves further up the stairwell.

Raven is on the stairs, panting sweating profusely in stress and exertion. She moves as quick and quiet as she can and when she hears a ramble of thoughts she should not be hearing, she stops dead.

“You fucking weasel,” she mutters darkly.

Raven hikes up another set of stairs and cracks the door to the hall open.

 _“You should do this now,”_ she hears Titus before she sees him, cracking the door open a little more he comes into view speaking to a tall man. “ _Kill her and take the power now for yourself in your sons stead!”_ he hisses.

“ _No_ ,” the man says, “ _I wait until she disposes of the rest of them. Jus drein jus daun, by the time Lexa settles that score it will be too late for her to return for Polis and loosen my hold on the city.”_

 _So you must be Ambrose,_ Raven makes the connection to the leader she’s heard of and never seen. She understands what he’s saying, _everything_ that he is saying including the mention of his son, assumedly _natblida_.

She needs to act now and get to the kids and stop Ontari.

She takes a deep breath and tries to hoist her gun at an angle for a shot from her position, she can’t maneuver it properly without opening the door more. Just as she figures that her braces catches on the frame and the door creaks open wider drawing attention from the men.

“Fuck!” Raven screams and blindly shooting rapidly as the men duck for cover. She’s not fast enough and she feels a blade, loosed from Titus’s hand land in her shoulder. She tumbles into the door, her bullets hitting the floor before she is rushed and a fist collides with her face slamming her head into the door.

She loses consciousness briefly and feels herself being dragged by the hair into the hall.

“And you,” Titus hisses as she pulls her along, “will live just long enough to see their end!”

“No!” She screams fighting the battle within herself, urging her body to stay woke, to stay alert.

She’s pulled into the throne room and tossed roughly into the centre.

Her face scrapes against the warmth of the floor and she instantly shudders, the concrete should be cool, she palms the ground and attempts to get up horrified when she realizes she had indeed landed in a river of black blood.

Terrified she looks around as a kick lands in her side sending her sprawling in a grunt of pain. She’s in shock and still looking for the bodies.

She screams and crawls forward when she sees the glossy vacant eyes of Peyton and then Luca. Beyond them she sees Mal and Nitza. They all died with weapons in their hands and black blood on the blades. Raven spins around taking another kick in the side, sending her to the ground again.

She desperately turns, struggling back to her knees when she hears Kai and Aden’s shouts, she finds them standing swords drawn and pointed at a scarred young woman with a few cuts on her holding a knife to Situ’s throat, another warrior stands at her side.

“You must be the new flamekeeper. Raven, is it?” the woman says lightly, as if she hadn’t slaughtered children moments ago.

Raven narrows her eyes, “Ontari, I presume.”

“You would be correct,” Ontari says tilting her head and watching Raven in a way that makes her feel exposed.

“End this now Ontari!” Titus shouts from behind Raven.

She keeps looking at Raven when she speaks, “You are addressing your future _Heda_ Titus, I suggest you keep to your advisor roll.”

Raven scoffs, “You’re a fucking moron, you know that.” She can’t help the verbal diarrhea, she’s been through a lot today and she is ready to fucking bring this tower down around her.

Ontari narrows her eyes at Raven, “Careful little bird.” From anyone else that nickname has grown on her, she loves it, but from Ontari, it makes her blood boil and her stomach curdle.

Her face betrays her and Ontari smirks, “Oh I touched a nerve.”

Raven’s mouth snaps shut and she stares at the woman before her while her perispheral vision picks up everything else. Her brain kicks into gear and she is acting before she realizes it, reaching across the distance and straight into Ontari’s head.

_You don’t want to do that._

Ontari’s eyes flicker around the room before settling on Raven again, you can practically see the puzzle clicking into place as she figures out what’s happening.

_What do you mean?_

_I mean you kill them and you’re a dead woman._

_Wrong, I kill them and I am steps closer to becoming Heda._

Raven shakes her head, _Wrong. You kill them and I don’t help you, you kill them and you will never leave this tower alive._ She watches Ontari tilt her head again, her gaze flicking between the others and back to Raven.

“Where is Wanheda and Heda,” Ambrose calls out sternly to Ontari. “You were supposed to be done with this and keeping watch not playing with your food.”

Ontari glares at the man, her eyes flicking from deep brown to opalescent and Raven tries to school her shock.

She takes another chance to push into her mind, she sees Ontari searching for Lexa, Raven sighs when she sees her present and fighting at the fallen back gate. She came, she’s here. Next the images flares and all Raven can see are flames. She hears Ontari curse in her head and Raven takes her chance.

_He’s been having you watch for them, keeping you occupied on them hasn’t he? He’s kept you so focused looking elsewhere you couldn’t see what was right in front of you!_

She watches ONatri’s very thinly hidden anger and fury flood her features as she pushes to look not for Clarke, but at Ambrose more clearly. She reads his future and she growls out loud, at her sudden push of emotion the image falters and zooms so rapidly Raven will need time later to recoup and reconsider everything she’s seeing.

By the end of the images Raven realized that she had shut her own eyes, she opens them at the final image of flames to find Ontari staring at her, brown eyes in place and a part between her lips.

_You get me out of here alive, the children live, but he dies by my hand._

_Fine, you have a deal, just let her go! I’ve got the distraction covered, give me a count of fifteen._

Ontari gives her a small nod before looking at Ambrose and then Titus, “Flamekeeper you are needed downstairs, Lexa has arrived.”

He stares at her for a moment before he bows and heads out of the room.

The doors shut and a hissing sound escapes beside Raven, Ambrose kicks her again as she rolls off of the smoke grenade and the screen billows out in the confined room.

In the confusion Kai has scrambled over to Raven but Ontari has already killed the warrior beside her along with Ambrose, disarmed Aden and knocked Situ out cold.

She grabs Aden from behind and holds him, curved blade around his throat as Raven gets up, covered in blood, to stand in front of Kai.

“Let him go, you don’t need him.”

“I do, and I’ll take her too.”

“No. I’ll lead you out, I know the way that will be clear.”

“I know how to get out, how do you think I got in so easily? Mira is Ice Nation you foolish girl, she kept in contact using your… radios for ages. Titus was helpful, I’ll have to thank Lexa one day for that, he taught me much about the city in a short amount of time but Mira, she was the real star.”

Raven swallows at the bitter anger in her throat at her revelation, she was her friend. Her backstabbing, betraying, little bitch of a friend. She seethes internally.

“Then you don’t need me either,” Raven says still standing firm in front of Kai.

“Not true. You are my safety, should I meet any large numbers you will grant me safe passage from the city.”

Raven glances at Aden as the blade cuts into his neck slightly, she’s getting impatient. “You still don’t need Kai.”

“I do. She is Clarke’s and I need to speak with her.”

“ _What_? You really are crazy aren’t you? Clarke’s never going to speak to you other to tell you your fight is over! Look at what you’ve done! They are all her kids!” Raven can’t help the tears that fill and burn her eyes. She refuses to let them fall, not yet.

“She comes too or she dies now.”

“Raven,” Kai whispers tugging on her arm. “It’s okay. Noumons will come for us.”

Raven glances at her and smiles at her bravery before wiping it from her face and looking back at Ontari.

“Should I lead the way then?” she says dryly.

By the time they reach the secret exit at the back of the tower the sun has begun to set. They can hear the battle continuing and Raven shares uneasy glances behind her at Ontari and the two kids.

By the time Raven and Aden are stopped by Ontari the sun has set and they are met with a large white bear. Ontari pulls Kai from Raven’s hand and pulls her along. She murmers to the bear who went to sniff the child and the bear backs off and kneels down.

Kai, despite her current situation, looks at Raven delightedly and points to the bear, _ohh look, I finally get to ride him!_ Raven hears her thoughts as she is pushed against the bears side, her back resting on his side. Ontari smirks at Raven then Kai before she pulls two hidden blades off the child and tosses them to the ground.

“Clarke will know how to find me? Send only Clarke. Lexa’s presence will only end in more bloodshed. When you process what you saw back there you will know,” she says to Raven as she hoists Kai up onto the bear’s back. The fucking kid can’t help but squeal excitedly, still unafraid and fully believing in Clarke to find her.

Raven holds Aden by the shoulder when he makes a step forward to stop this from happening, “She will know how to find Kai. She better live, so help me, I will hunt you down you moth-“

“Careful,” Ontari warns saddling up behind Kai and tapping the blade she still holds on the girls thigh threateningly. “ _Alive_ is very different from unharmed, do not push me little bird. I will have the retreat sounded for Azgeda when I am free of here in the borderlands, you will have to deal with Bluecliff on your own, I seemed to have left that particular snake headless.”

There’s a final glance before she murmurs to Bamse and he stands and turns leaving Raven and Aden behind them.

Raven watches them walk away before she grabs her radio on her thigh, “Clarke. Clarke, for the love of every and any god – take your pick, _come in_! _CLARKE_!”

A second later and Raven hears the roar of the bear and a loud giggle from Kai.

It’s not much, but it reassures her somehow, even if only minutely. _She’ll be okay._

_For now._

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, next chapter is Lexa being a badass, Clarke being a badass and then quite possibly (I haven't really decided on my end point yet) the end to this part of the series as we move along to tie the rest of this trash together.
> 
> Also, if you really thought I was going to let Titus off with just losing an arm after he killed Lexa on the show you are sadly mistaken and I feel sorry for you. I am too bitter, you should know that by now. Lexa is gonna find him, don't you worry.


	68. The Darkest Hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay so! This is the end of this fic, I wrote this today but have not read it through in entirety because this way I will be kind of surprised along with you guys. Hopefully, it flows well and any huge errors (I know there's gonna be like a shit ton, i can smell them from here) I can fix when I have time later *looks at the camera like I'm on the office.*
> 
> Anyways, congratulations we made it!
> 
> ...Except nothing you really want is resolved and I may or may not have left you with a cliffhanger.
> 
> I definitely did not do that.

Lexa is leaving _Kun_ in the capable hands of Ryder's second Sharis; the battle is over and Lexa has urgent need to be in Polis, Sharis is more than able to handle dealing with the captured and injured and leading the troops they had brought with them. Their numbers are so few now that it would be pointless to try and have them run full tilt back to the city right now, they’d never make it in time to do any damage.

Lexa must leave and can take very few with her.

She'll return for the funeral pyres later, if she can return at all.

Reluctantly, she leaves Icarus behind as well, opting for speed and to use her light she decides on taking Luna and Ryder with her. It's not much, but their combined skills and Lexa's power should provide them with enough strength to help, at the very least, even the odds. Regardless of the slim chances that the three of them will end the siege on their own, the air of determination around them is almost tangible. Not only have Azgeda and Bluecliff drawn them away from Polis in a well-placed distraction, but also Luna, Ryder and Lexa all know Bluecliff’s leader Ambrose personally, from adolescence. This is a betrayal that began months ago, one she curses herself for not focusing on it more closely, one she should have seen coming.

And though she once told Clarke that the enemy does what it needs to survive, that it’s not personal, she can’t find herself believing that now. This feels personal. This _is_ personal.

Ontari and Ambrose have made it so.

She has no real clue what to expect in Polis, she has little information, nothing beyond the fact that the city is under siege and her people and loved ones are in danger. When she found Luna and informed her of the situation the woman saw right through her stoicism and saw the true fear and desperation in Lexa's eyes.

The enormity of the situation was not lost on either of them. Luna provided her with quiet strength, silently gripping Lexa's shoulder and promising through sympathetic eyes to do whatever she required of her; to give her life for Polis if needed.

Lexa's emotions were battling a war of their own inside her. She felt consumed with fear, fury and a stubborn will that refused to accept the worst outcomes. She imagines her city burning, her people’s blood flowing like a river through the cobblestone streets…

_Breathe. Be Heda; that is who Polis requires now._

Neither Lexa nor _Heda_ would ever forgive herself if Polis falls into the hands of the enemy. She would be unworthy of her title if she gave in to the aches, pains and fatigue in her body from the battle she had just won. Her body screams at her to rest while her mind and heart know it is impossible.

In the back of her mind she hears her old teacher uttering his often-used words directed at the natblida, ‘ _you can rest when you’re dead.’_ Despite her hatred for the man, she finds the words familiar and poignant to the moment before her; she hates that he’s right. She hates that she is listening to him, she hates that she keeps some of his teachings within her. She swallows at the hatred before it too, consumes her.

She needs to keep a clear head and she has to get to Polis as soon as possible.

The trio gear up, a few of her people give them bows and quivers to take with them. Their blades are wiped down and their grips are cleaned in preparation for another fight. Ryder has a stab wound on his leg tied off by Luna while Lexa dons a grey hooded cloak to keep her identity hidden and make her less of a target.

The goal is to land outside the back gate, behind the fight and fight their way further into the city. They hope landing outside will provide them with the necessary time and space to assess the situation quickly and then act.

When they arrive, Luna and Ryder, unfamiliar with the mode of transportation, take a moment to recollect their stomachs threatening to spill out of their mouths. Lexa, used to the effects of the travel, quickly readies her bow and notches an arrow looking for the closest threat to keep them safe.

She doesn't have to fire, they have landed far enough behind enemy lines that no one has noticed them and it gives her a chance to think. She keeps the hood up, hiding her face and commanders sash under her cloak while her brain calculates their plan of attack.

It takes her less than thirty seconds; she's the best commander Polis has ever seen for a reason. 

"The turret at the gate is still functioning, it must be set to automatic; any movement and it will fire on us," Lexa states as Luna and Ryder come to stand beside her. 

"Great, so what's the plan?" Luna asks glancing at her.

"The plan is to walk right through that gate and strike them from behind. Get behind me, ready your bows."

Luna smirks at her and bends awkwardly before revealing a small rifle-like firearm that she actually unfolds in one click giving it a proper end to tuck into her shoulder. Ryder’s mouth drops open slightly as he looks at her clearly wondering where the fuck she had it hidden under her cloak.

Luna shrugs at Lexa and Ryder’s questioning looks, “ _What_? It was a gift from Raven she had made and gave me ages ago. She said it’s for _emergencies_ only and I think this warrants as one. She named it ThunderStruck…” Luna pats the firearm lovingly.

Lexa smirks at how alike the two friends are in certain aspects. “You know how to use it?” she questions.

Again, Luna shrugs, “I have a general idea, point and shoot right? She never had the chance to go into it in great detail but Kane has shown me enough with a rifle that I get the general idea.”

“Luna, if you shoot me with a bullet-”

Luna cuts off her warning with a tilted brow, “It’s _a gift from Raven_ ,” she reminds her. “You really think this is holding only bullets?”

Lexa’s face turns into a small smirk of understanding; she silently thanks Raven. “ _Excellent_. Get behind me,” she repeats as she takes a deep breath and brings up her shield, this time creating a wall of light in front of the trio instead of around them.

Lexa glances at Luna before she begins to head forward, “When we are in range, take out the turret.”

“Then what?”

 _“Then we let the enemy know Heda has returned. And no one fights for Polis without me,”_ Lexa responds coolly in Trig, _Heda_ internally seething and readying herself for more bloodshed.

Luna nods and readies the gun.

They pick up their pace, the turret is firing away at the enemy within the gates but the radar has picked up their movement outside causing it to direct it’s arrows to its programmed task of defending outside the gate. Obviously, there are still a few kinks to work out in Raven’s design, not that Lexa faults her. The bodies riddled with arrows that lay within the turrets range prove it is effective.

If the gate hadn’t been overrun and destroyed the city would not be in such dire straights.

Beyond the fallen gate she can see the battle waging on; Lexa breaks into a run, ignoring the burn in her muscles and fatigue straining her body as she used her energy to block the barrage of arrows now headed in their direction.

“Luna!” Lexa screams, “Soon as you can, take out the turret, once we get beyond the gate it will continue to follow us and fire!”

“Get us a little closer!”

They continue forward, the arrows deflecting off the shield as Luna makes her way closer and finally sets up to fire.

Upon pulling the trigger, the blast power from the gun surprises Luna and sends her backwards into the dirt while the projectile fires out the end of the gun.

Everything moves in slow motion for a second as Lexa sees the projectile split into two and land consecutively one after the other into the portion of the wall that held the turret. The impact and resulting explosion causes them to have to put on the breaks while that portion of the wall combusts and crumbles.

Lexa looks back to Luna who’s attempting to recover and staring at the now destroyed section of wall through the dust and smoke and flames.

“See,” she looks at Lexa as she stands and recocks her gun, “nothing to worry about.”

Lexa clenches her jaw, “just be careful with that thing.” Lexa takes off again into the smoke and rubble towards the fallen wall and gate. Here, she gives her war cry and pushes her energy out with as much force as she can ahead of her. Like a giant wave of light the warriors in front of her are blown off their feet and sent flying into painful heaps. Some smack against the concrete buildings, others fly into each other before skidding into the cobblestones.

Another shot rings out from behind her accompanied by another delighted sound from Luna as her projectile splits into two again and land perfectly sending a large number of the enemy to their ends in flame and rubble of a collapsing building.

They’ve made a hole.

“ _Heda_!”

Lexa’s attention is pulled towards the left where she sees Beland heading her way out of the smoke. Lexa unsheathes her sword and engages with the closest enemy, quickly stabbing him through the chest before tossing him aside.

Beland joins the threesome and they pick off warriors one at a time, Luna has used her final projectile and has tossed her gun aside to now make use of her blades. Lexa uses her energy and blades in perfect unison as Ryder flings off arrow after arrow at anyone trying to take a shot at Lexa from a distance.

Though her hood and cloak remain up and on, her presence is known, she becomes more and more of a target. Beland stays close to her side, she can tell he is using his gift along with his blades when she sees some of the enemy look slightly stunned before they turn on their comrades. He’s controlling their minds with great effort, she knows he won’t be able to keep it up for long, the energy required to make use of a gift is taxing even on the strongest of person – she would know.

The four of them have a slight advantage as they progress deeper into the city. The tower is still standing, which Lexa is relieved to see, the city is burning just as she imagined but it’s continuing to fight for its life along with its people. Different clans of the coalition, those who are visiting or reside in Polis are fighting alongside each other. Skaikru that remain in the city ring out shots with their guns, the archers on the rooftops continue to fire at the enemy and the blades of the clans continue to clash and twang as they engage.

The beacon of the capitol still burns bright atop the tower as its beacon of hope, _Lexa_ , comes to the aid of her city.

 

* * *

 

She doesn’t know that Raven is currently being held in the tower, kicked and thrown in a river of black blood. She only feels Ontari's gaze for a few seconds before it's gone again. She has no idea that her legacy has been threatened and bled, ravaged so deep that they may never recover.

She has no idea her old mentor, her father figure, aided the enemy and brought this pain to her front and back doors. She has no idea that a trusted handmaiden and friend in Mira betrayed her in favour of a clan she ran away from.

She has no idea that Raven has been forced into a terrible deal in hopes to keep what children that remain breathing doing so. No clue that her friend is currently guiding the enemy’s leader out of the tower and will be forced to watch her ride off with her daughter.

Betrayal, mass murder, a coup, black mail and a kidnapping all occurred in one afternoon.

And Lexa is unaware of all of this, _for now._

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke is waste deep in high, thick grass running as fast as she can. Somehow she got separated from the skirmish and ended up with a bear to fend off on her own. Her quickest, safest option, the one she figured would keep her alive, was to run and draw the bear away from the people and village to a position where she could use the flames without such high risk to those around them.

She mixes her running with using the flames to whisk her just out of the bears reach when he gains on her without breaking stride. She’s a fast runner, she’s trained well, but she’s not foolish enough to think she can actually outrun a bear without her gift. 

The shouts and screams in the village die off a bit as Clarke makes it further, one last use of her flame, one last scorching mark left in the high grass and she stops her running when she lands this time turning to face the beast. He roars, deafening, even from this distance, as he gets closer she can feel his hot breath on her face. She doesn’t flinch; she narrows her eyes and crouches into a lower stance.

After today, she’ll have a new name, one given to her by her friends and prompted by Octavia: Goldilocks, The Bear Slayer.

The beast launches into the air; Clarke swings her right arm and launches one of her blades at his chest catching him in the upper right shoulder. The sword lands deep and Clarke uses the flames to vanish before reappearing as soon as the bear misses her in the exact same spot. She rounds on him this time, she is the threat and he is vulnerable. She twirls her remaining sword and shoots flames with her free hand behind him making him move, making him give her a better angle.

She’s about to thrust more at him, burn more of the tall grass and have herself a barbequed bear when she hears a deep rumble from behind her. She can’t fully engulf him in flames; she knows she doesn’t have time sensing the new threat behind her.

Her eyes widen and she sucks the flames back in attempts to use them to leave when a heavy weight slams into her from behind sending her crashing forwards.

First, she feels the pain of the impact, then, she feels the deep claw wounds from the second bear that have torn into her back. He slides away from her with his momentum, as the first bear gets closer to her again, she can hear his stomping feet.

She has enough time to roll painfully onto her back with sword pointed up, just in time, as the first bear attempts to land on her. She feels its weight sink onto the sword slowly, straight through his chest and into his heart. His weight becomes more and more pronounced on her. She feels her chest start to tighten under the weight, her breaths becoming more labored. Her legs feel pinned along with her hips.

More growls erupt around her, her face is covered in blood and fur. She can barely see, she can hardly move. She tries to wiggle around, to find purchase as she claws and grabs at anything and everything she can to move herself.

She can’t stay here; she’s slowly suffocating under the weight of the dead bear. In a moment of clarity, she reaches up, grimacing through the pain, struggling to grab her other sword’s handle that is still protruding from his shoulder. She finally grips it and tries to pull herself out. She gets inches, enough to pull her other arm free and she can see again, but only little from this position. She wiggles more and is shocked to find the other bear distracted.

She pulls with both hands now, her blade moving slightly in the bear under her efforts until finally she can feel the weight lesson on her chest and she can breathe a little easier. It’s still painful, she already feels the bruises but she’s not going to die under the bear, so she’ll take it.

She struggles to roll, commando crawling in the dirt to sidle out from having her legs pinned. By the time she feels her legs free, her mouth is full of dirt, grass and the rusty metallic taste of blood. She immediately scrambles back into a standing position when she hears more guttural growls, they don’t come from the remaining bear though.

Her eyes widen and she finds a small smile form on her lips before she looks back at the bear, Bill, the large grey wolf comes flying past her immediately on the offence.

 “About time!” She yells after him running in his direction to help, but suddenly she is no longer running alone. To the left and right of her she sees a pack of wolves charging with her, lips pulled back and feral looking, following  _Wolvau_ ’s charge. Clarke rips her other sword from the dead bear on her way.

The new threats bring the other warrior’s attention and a whole new battle begins. One that is more evenly matched.

“Clarke!” 

The blonde slows her run towards the village at the sound of the voice behind her, she smiles and slips one of her swords back into its sheathe. She holds up her now free hand while she runs and it’s grabbed a second later and she lands behind Shaw on the saddle.

“Fuck, am I glad to see you my friend!”

“I was in the neighborhood, didn’t want to miss the party,” Shaw quips loosing a crossbow bolt at a warrior as they charge into the village. 

“Yeah, we’re having a kiki, it’s been loads of fun.”

“What?” Shaw says confused over her shoulder, the joke going over her head. She reloads six times in quick succession before she drops the weapon and opts for her sword.

Clarke sighs, continuing to fight behind her on the saddle; as she swings her blade and kills a man trying to rip her off the back of the horse she says mostly to herself, “Raven would have loved that reference.”

Shaw ignores her and kicks her large black warhorse into another gear. Warriors of Delphi crash in on steeds and by foot into the fight behind them with Shaw and Wanheda leading them. They wash over the enemy and the village like a cleansing, bloody wave.

“This is my stop,” Clarke shouts sarcastically, takes her chance and hops down from the back of the saddle and whips out her second blade. With renewed strength and faith that they will win now that their backup has arrived she lights her swords on fire and loosens the leash on  _Wanheda_.

 She wants to end this. She wants to go home,  _to Lexa._

With renewed strength and aid of her friends, Clarke makes the threats to  _Jofa_ end with a blood red sky above her.

And by sundown Clarke finally hears Raven’s pleas into the radio. She offers little information other than Polis being invaded and that Lexa has already arrived to the fight.

Clarke turns to the people around her, her mask in place while she hides the fact that she's feeding  _Wanheda_ the fear in her heart.

 

* * *

 

 

As Lexa and the three others fight their way forwards towards the tower her identity to the enemy becomes clear though she remains somewhat hidden under her cloak. Her power is what gives her away and as the fight wages on she is forced to use it less and less as she battles the exhaustion begging her to rest. She tries to save it for the dire moments; she needs to create a reserve and find the strength to continue on.

She won’t be discouraged despite the overwhelming odds.

Night comes as the sun begins to set. She’s covered in sweat and blood, both hers and not hers. She’s breathing hard and refusing to quit. If defending her people and city require her very last breath and all the blood in her body she will gladly pay it for them to remain free of the tyranny threatening them.

She begins to grow more and more concerned at the numbers of enemy she sees the further into the city they get. They are outnumbered though they have some advantages; the issue is their defenses are too spread out. Each small collective of warriors continues to get swallowed by the enemy and fall. They need an opening, a chance to regroup in bigger numbers.

Lexa growls while blocking off the strike of an enemy’s blade. She kicks at his knee, snapping it in an awkward direction and sending the man to the ground before she stabs him through the chest. Luna is beside her spinning and blocking a strike aimed for Lexa’s back before her left hand darts out stabbing in three rapid strikes rendering the man dead before he hit the ground.

“Thanks,” Lexa says, “Down!” she barks next and Luna does so allowing Lexa to roll over her back and strike the next attacker down in two hits. Blood splatters them both as Luna then rights herself and crosses both blades in front of her halting an axe blow and protecting the both of them. Lexa turns and guts the man for her freeing her blades.

“Move,” Luna barks seeing the next threat and darting ahead of Lexa, who side stepped for her and then followed.

Lexa parries an arrow meant for her before one of the archers fells the man for her, she silently thanks him before sprinting, sliding into the dirt blade held out and bringing a woman down slicing through both of her Achilles.

Before she can stand she is forced to spins on her knees and trip up a woman darting for Beland. She crashes to the earth and Lexa pounces on her back, her dagger coming into her free hand like lightning and slicing the woman’s jugular before standing.

Luna stumbles, taking a strike to the side, hissing in pain she calls out for aid. Lexa’s eyes snap to her and the threat of two women coming after her friend. “Beland!” Lexa screams directing his attention to the women.

He immediately uses his gift; while parrying blows from a tall warrior, he infiltrates one of the women’s minds using her to tackle her comrade instead of going after Luna. The boat kru leader is able to recover and lets the woman kill the other before she decides to be safer rather than sorry and ends her life as well. She smirks at Lexa quickly, “He comes in handy!”

“ _Focus_!” Lexa scolds having to fling her dagger by her friend’s head and into the heart of an oncoming spear-wielder.

Finding her moment not long after, Lexa is able to use her energy and make a hole to allow them to join a larger number of her warriors and city guards. Beland, Ryder and Luna all remaining close to her side as they continue to fight on and make a dent in the enemy’s numbers.

They fight for seconds, minutes, hours, days it feels like – it’s all a blur. She knows somewhere inside her it’s only roughly an hour or two after sunset when they finally get close to the front of the tower.

“Where is Raven?” Lexa calls to Beland.

He kicks his foe to the ground before bringing his blade down into him after, “She was inside when I left her!”

A gigantic explosion rings out just beyond the tower near the dungeons that calls their attention.

“Looks like she’s come back outside,” Luna says through a bloody smile as she runs a man twice her size clean through.

They bolt in the direction of the explosion, through the smoke and dust Lexa’s eyes search for her friend. Her eyes widen as she sees her standing beside Aden on the cement roof of the armoury.

Raven looks downright possessed, bleeding from the shoulder, bruises on her face and a busted lip, a look of wild rage in her eyes. She holds a bow with her handmade arrows and is notching the next and taking aim at a different section of the dungeons, not far from where Lexa is. Aden too holds a bow, Lexa watches him light his next arrow on fire before taking aim as well.

Lexa’s eyes widen when she realizes what’s happening; she witnessed Raven making these arrows, they’re filled with rocketfuel, which is highly likely to-

“ _GET DOWN!”_ she shouts launching herself at Luna and driving them into the ground as Raven’s arrow lands and Aden’s causes the rocketfuel to explode. Bricks, mortor and debris fill the air as Lexa and Luna are thrown sideways. They cling to each other as they take some of the force of the explosion and debris into their sides and backs in painful hisses.

For a split second Lexa hears nothing and then her ears are ringing from the close proximity of the blast. A second later, Raven’s voice breaks through swiftly as Luna helps her up.

“Titus! You sniveling Mr. Clean wannabe, come on out before I blow you sky high! You’re running out of places to hide you little rat!”

Lexa doesn’t understand the Mr. Clean reference but she sees Raven notching another arrow and she understands without hearing anything more what has happened.

Titus has aided the enemy.

It’s information that should knock the wind out of her and bring her to her knees.

It doesn’t. She’s already on her knees, the information brings her to her feet, it fills her with renewed strength in her fury and Lexa’s war cry is filled with her energy, sending the enemy flying as if from an explosion of her own.

All eyes turn to her at the sound and display as she flings her cloak off her shoulders; the flames from the explosion bringing her into clear view and gasps ring out around them.

Her eyes lock on to Raven’s and she sees the wild look fade and her friend come back. There’s relief written all over her face along with something else, something Lexa’s head and heart agree not to acknowledge.

 _You’re here,_ she hears Raven inside her head and she pauses at the new development for a brief second before responding.

_You’ve done well little bird. Clarke?_

Lexa responds in her mind, moving with purpose, ignoring the pains in her body, her blade ripping through the enemy as she heads towards the rubble of the dungeons.

 _On her way, find the rat and make him pay for this. The kid and I have got a ride to catch._ Is the only response she gets before Raven is muttering something to Aden with a stern look on her face. The next second, they are heading off the armoury and towards the Rover.

 _“Find me Titus!”_ Lexa screams at Beland who immediately moves with her using his gift to search for the man. She continues to hack and slice away at those before her, her body as fluid as the blood she seeks and no strike of her blade wasted.

“ _Heda! I found him, he is pinned in the rubble, he is not going anywhere anytime soon!_ ” Beland says a minute later over the screams of Lexa’s prey.

She nods in response and sneers when she runs a woman through, first with her sword and then with an assassin’s blade to her throat. The blood pools around her as Lexa shoves her to the ground and rejoins Luna.

She knows deep down, in spite of their efforts that it is not enough, the size of the army in Polis is evident; for every three warriors she fells, it seems five more pop up in their place.

In a brief moment to breath before she engages the enemy again Lexa sends her quiet desperation and need to Clarke.

_We need you._

_I need you._

If Polis is going to fall, she’d rather it be Clarke to burn it to the ground.

 

 

* * *

 

Wolf version of Octavia is licking the blood of her fur when she hears Raven’s voice come through Clarke radio. She painfully morphs back into herself and stands, still covered in patches of blood, wounds, bruises and now stark nude.

Clarke ends the call with Raven before she can ask to speak to her and Octavia swallows the burning desire to rip it from her hand and call back. Raven sounded distressed, it’s what called her back to her human form so quickly.

She’s unsure whether Clarke could hear the break in her voice, to pick up on the fact that she was leaving something unsaid like Octavia did, but the look in Clarke’s eyes told her she sensed the severity of the situation despite not having all the facts.

" _Jesus_ , _Octavia_ ," Clarke says when she realizes her state of undress, turning to the young natblida she says, "Zora, she's your size, find her some clothes and leathers."

“I can morph back,” Octavia says.

Clarke shakes her head, “ _No. That promotion I mentioned starts now,_ _General_.”

“Clarke you’re not going alone,” she protests as Zora hands her some clothes and she begins to dress. “That’s my girlfriend, you just got off the radio with, she needs me as much as Lexa needs you!” She straps on boots and then begins on the leathers with Zora’s help. “Besides, look around you, none of us are letting you go alone.”

 Clarke slowly turns on the spot, now noticing the crowd she has drawn around her. She sees Ziva standing proudly beside her sister and Octavia, warriors from _Jofa,_ the plains looking at her with respect, and the clan of Delphi standing behind Shaw waiting for their orders.

“She’s right _Wanheda. You saved our homes and now we shall return the favour,_ ” Shaw says smirking. “I saw what you did in the desert, I am sure you can get a fair number of us to the city. At the very least you will take me and my assassins.”

 Clarke shakes her head trying to think. She tries to stomp down on the emotions coursing through her; “I’ve never taken more than one person with me before.”

 Octavia straps on a sword as she comes closer along with Shaw and Ziva. “You have to try Clarke,” Octavia says quietly, “remember what Claire told you, you’re special, stronger than most and we believe you can do this. This is our only chance to save the city.”

 Clarke swallows and slides her jaw back and forth in deliberation. It’ll take a lot of effort, a lot of energy to do it but she has to try, she has to believe as strongly as the people willing to die for her.

_She can do this._

She won’t be able to save everyone, the time for that has come and gone before she even knew the city had been invaded, but maybe, just maybe, she could save a few.

It would have to be enough.

She looks at Zora who is hiding the fear in her eyes she knows is for her bothers and sisters and Aden. It is more than just Octavia and Clarke with loved ones in Polis. She has no right to refuse those so willing and ready to fight for what they believe in.

And she knows she will need all the help she can get.

 “Fine.” She says finally, “Get as close as you can and be ready.” She’s going to aim for the main gate just outside the city in hopes to put them in a decent position to attack. The people around her move, no less than fifty huddle as close as possible.

Bill, still in wolf form leaves the pack of wolves, who have already begun a full sprint towards Polis, and comes to Clarkes side. She nods at him in thanks and hops onto his back. She looks around at the people in a tight cluster around them, all eyes on her full of hope and faith in her. There’s a moment where she feels slightly overwhelmed before she swallows it. She assesses the number of fearless warriors around them quickly before she attempts what she’s about to.

Clarke shuts her eyes and takes a few deep breaths to centre and focus herself. She needs to concentrate on the location she intends to land and also making the tornado of flames so large and strong that it carries them all.

Clarke’s prayers go not to any god’s, they go to the spirits and they go to Claire.

_Please. Help me save them._

Clarke opens her eyes in a flash, energy coursing through her, power and fire melting the ice in her veins and cooking the fear in her heart for _Wanheda_. The flames shoot out around them and rocket above; it works.

Well it sort of works; she was aiming for the full sixty to be taken to the gate but manages only fifty.

 It’ll have to do.

Better fifty than five.

She takes a brief moment to prepare for any attack but finds no threat, not so far off from the gate. What she does find is huge craters and smoldering earth riddled with corpses and body parts. A scene that surely says, “Raven was here.”

Bill walks forward and turns with her on his back so she can address the people with her. “Octavia, Ziva and Zora you take half left; Shaw you and the assassins to the right.”

“What about you?” Octavia shouts as the troops form their lines behind their generals.

Clarke turns with Bill to direct her attention to the gate that has been busted down, “I’m going straight through the middle.”

As Clarke and Bill kick into a fast sprint, so too do the warriors on either side of them. They widen out and separate flawlessly, like they had planned it all along. They’re close when they see the Rover fly past the fallen gate, an explosion ringing out behind it as it then crashed into the wall.

Clarke hears Octavia scream in outrage and somehow, her wolf speed comes through and she moves at an inhuman pace, matching Bill’s towards the machine.

 Knowing she’ll see to Raven, Clarke refocuses her attention and gasps when she sees a familiar red sash floating behind a warrior that is falling to the ground.

 

* * *

 

Raven and Aden fly by Lexa in the rover as an explosion the woman caused rings out to her right. Lexa spins to avoid the vehicle and it caught off guard by a bludgeoning fist to the side of her head, she falls in what feels like slow motion from blow.

It dazes her and her vision swims as her head cracks off the cement ground.

A roar cries out and Lexa turns to see the form of a large grey wolf floating over the rubble of the gate, a black garbed, blonde headed angel of death atop the beast with a flaming sword in one hand and a fire ball in the other.

_Clarke._

The sight, the power, the passion she sees drives the fog from Lexa’s head and forces her to stand. Clarke hurls a fireball, nailing the warrior in front of Lexa in the chest and engulfing him in flames. Bill runs closer and Lexa shoots out her arm as Clarke reaches for her.

Lexa is brought up behind her on the wolf’s back. “Thought you could use a hand!” Clarke shouts over her shoulder as Lexa grabs onto her.

 “You’re just in time,” Lexa says gripping her hip with one hand and hacking at an enemy with her sword. Clarke flings another fireball to the left. “Get to the tower, some have fallen back inside it!”

 Bill shoots through the fight as they find Beland smashing a mans head into the splintered and busted tower door.

 “Titus, he got loose and is headed to the secret door!” he reveals.

 “ _Titus_?” Clarke seethes in question to Lexa behind her who has just lept off the wolf.

 “He’s trying to escape! I want him alive!” Lexa barks out entering the tower.

 Clarke leaps off Bill as well but looks back to the entrance and makes her decision, “Go! I’ll find you!” with that, she heads back into the fighting outside to aid the others.

 Lexa doesn’t bother arguing, she’s already off after Titus with Bill and Beland.

 

* * *

 

Octavia bolts towards the Rover, getting to it before anyone else, she wrenches the door open to find Raven bleeding from the forehead and slightly dazed.

“RAE!” She screams grabbing her and bringing her out of the driver’s seat, “Raven, come on babe! Open your eyes damn it!” The brown eyes flutter open to meet hers and she sighs in relief, “Can you stand?”

Raven nods turning to look at the car, “Aden? _ADEN_!”

“Right here,” the boy says chucking his sword out to the ground and then crawling out of her driver’s side when he was unable to open the passenger door. “I’m alright.” He gets his sword and readies himself for the next orders.

 Octavia puts Raven’s arm over her shoulder and begins leading her towards the tower but Raven shrugs her off, “Don’t be daft, worrying about carrying me will get us both killed,” she tells her.

 Octavia rolls her eyes, “Fine, try to keep up.” She cuts down a woman blocking their way, “You got any smoke left? Shaw could use the screen!”

 “You got it,” Raven says grabbing into her pockets and pulling the pins of two smoke grenades. She launches them into the fight, “Let’s go!”

 Octavia leads them towards the tower doors just in time to see Clarke rush back out them and into the fight.

Her, Raven and Aden meet up with her, “Clarke!”

 Clarke turns as Octavia calls to her; the blonde shows her relief as they join her in the fight. Raven stifles the urge to reveal what happened in the tower, the guilt upon seeing her friend now promptly eating away at her. She has to keep her focus on the city right now.

Then, a blast of horns ring out loud above the fighting. Octavia shouts, “What is that?”

Raven’s eyes widen along with Clarke’s as the Azgeda warriors recover from brief looks of shock and begin to run.

 “It’s a retreat!”

 “ _What_?” Clarke demands, “Why?” she asks cutting down on the shoulder of a Bluecliff warrior.

 Raven breaks the nose of a Bluecliff woman before answering, “Because, Ontari has left.”

 As she expected, Clarke rounds on her, snapping the neck of the woman with the broken nose, “WHAT?”

 Raven swallows as the woman falls between them. She looks at the woman and then the fury in Clarke’s eyes, “She was here and now she’s gone. I’ll explain, can we just end this first! We don’t have time for this!”

 Clarke wants to argue, she wants the information now but decides Raven is right. The retreat gives them the chance they need to end this once and for all.

 

* * *

 

Lexa moves through the halls of the tower with a familiarity and deadly grace. Any Bluecliff or Azgeda she comes across dies at her or her companion’s hands. Bill and Beland make sure to watch her back as Lexa leads them after Titus.

She finds him just as he’s reaching the door to the back of the tower; unbeknownst to Lexa it’s the exact door that he and Mira led Ontari through, the exact door that helped break the city wide open.

“ _NATRONA_!” she growls out down the hallway throwing a final warrior to the ground, wrenching her blade from his throat and causing Titus to hesitate in movements. “ _Dison laik yu strat?_ _Taim yu wan op, taim yu nou na wan op kom natrona! Yu wan op kom bushhada!” This is your plan? If you die, you don’t die a traitor! You die a coward!_

His eyes widen at her obvious jibe to his ego and honour (or lack thereof). He turns to slowly face her, he is beaten, bloodied, his body battered from Raven’s rocket fuel explosions in the dungeons he use to find so safe, and still, it is not enough.

 Not for Lexa’s need for his blood, and not for what he has brought upon her city. His justice should not come this way, she has plans for him.

“You brought this on yourself,” he says as she approaches him slowly. He holds a sword in his one remaining arm pointed out towards her, his face hard but fearful.

 She can see that he knows he has met his end.

 _“Hodnes nou laik kwelnes,” love is not weakness,_ she replies, _“hodnes teik ething daun,” Love conquers all._ She holds an arm out to stop the progress of Bill and Beland as she continues forward _,_ “and it is love that has saved Polis. You die running or surrender in what little honour remains within you. Either way, _yu gonplei ste odon_.”

 

* * *

 

Clarke orders for the remaining enemy to be captured, the injured she orders to be killed, they don’t deserve the healers attentions when so many of Polis’s citizens and defenders require attention. She leaves Ryder in charge of the organization of the blood trees knowing for Polis to heal swiftly, justice must be done.

 She rushes inside with Octavia, Raven and Aden at her heels.

“Clarke!” Raven tries to stop her, Clarke ignores her and continues to move up the tower. Raven tries again through her mind and is shocked to feel she’s blocked. “Damn it!” Raven curses. 

The blonde is focused on her task, listening only to her heart; she needs to see the kids. 

Octavia looks curiously at Raven, questions in her eyes, Raven shakes her head sadly in response and they fall back as Clarke moves onwards.

“We need to tell her,” Aden says.

Raven looks from him to Octavia, “Raven? Spill, tell her what?”

Raven bites her lip as the tears threaten to fall, “I… I did all I could. I- tried – tried to save them.” She chokes out as the emotions feel like they split her in two. She can’t stop the tears that do fall and the crying that started when she sees Octavia’s horrified look.

Her girlfriend looks from Raven to Aden looking for confirmation, the boy looks to the ground and shakes his head before rushing off again after Clarke.

“ _Fuck_!” Octavia curses and bolts after him dragging Raven behind her. “He’s right, we need to tell her before she sees it!”

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke beats them upstairs, but she does not beat Lexa.

Right before she uses her flames to reach the throne, she is rocked with despair that is not her own, but soon will be.

Landing, she finds the room is dark, damp with no torches or braziers lit. The air is heavy, riddled with death and Clarke doesn’t need to ignite them to see the scene laid out before her.

 In the middle of the room, is a black and red murky lake of blood. Two warriors lie dead along with four children. Four of her charges, her responsibility, and her children she was meant to keep safe, meant to watch them grow and live now lie dead and broken at her feet.

A fifth lies in the arms of her wife, kneeling in the pool of her charges and holding the girl close.

Panic rips through Clarke like a hurricane as thunder is heard in the distance. Her eyes scan the room while her body remains frozen in shock. She’s about to take a step forward to Lexa, when she feels a hand on her elbow.

 It barely registers until it’s turning her around.

Clarke moves slowly, her mind muddled and foggy with grief and panic. She recognizes the soft, blue, sad eyes of Aden. She pulls him into her chest with her hand on the back of his head, which he briefly allows, before he breaks away to pull her out of the room, leaving Lexa behind them.

The woman hasn’t noticed their presence; she is lost in a splintering heart and the soft thump of a pulse in the unconscious Situ in her arms as silent tears flow. A pulse that Clarke doesn’t know is there.

“Kai?” Clarke barely croaks out, eyes pleading with Aden as Octavia and Raven race into the hallway to meet them.

Upon seeing Raven, something inside Clarke broke.

“YOU!” She is fury and fire, the flames of the candles in the hall roaring higher with her rage. “You were supposed to protect them! Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I could have done something! I could have come sooner!”

Raven opens her mouth and Clarke promptly punches her in the face, sending her sprawling.

Octavia tries to grab her and Clarke throws her off and into the wall. Aden rushes her from behind, “Clarke!” She turns around and flips him hard into the cement before rounding on Raven again. The mechanic falls back, tears falling from her face, fear in her eyes.

At first, she thinks it is fear of what Clarke would do to her. Then, she knows it is fear of what will haunt her friend for the rest of her days.

“I- I’m sorry! I tried, Clarke!” she cries out in a sob. “I wasn’t enough!”

 The strong constant she always known her friend to be vanishes before her eyes. The despair and grief in her voice breaks Clarke all over again. Clarke’s fury melts when she sees Raven break right along with her, right in front of her.

It’s the third time it happened today and something tells her it’s not the last.

 Clarke doesn’t understand. Her mind scrambles likes eggs in a frying pan; _Kai is gone? No, she can’t be… I would have felt it. I would have…_ Clarke lets out a sob, the fire inside her feeling like it’s about to be doused in her salty tears.

 Clarke shrugs off Octavia and Aden once again, this time less forcefully and more with her deadly glares. She glances back at the throne room as Raven stands with the help of Octavia. She’s rubbing her jaw when Clarke sighs out the rest of her anger and meets her gaze.

She feels remorse as soon as she sees the ghosts again in Raven’s eyes; in this moment, Clarke knows Raven is not to blame. She knows without Raven, things would be worse. Raven may not always come through in the way you expect, but she _always_ comes through.

 Her anger was over what she could not control, her rage was directed at the wrong person. The problem is, Clarke isn’t sure with whom the blame lies, if it lies with anyone. In a way, did they not bring this on themselves? Bluecliff and Azgeda, both with personal vendetta’s directed at her and Lexa…

And there’s her answer. It’s her fault. It’s _always_ her fault. Which, is why is always her duty to make it right, to try to fix everything. She fucking hates herself sometimes. 

“Come here,” she pulls her into a tight hug. “I’m sorry. None of this was your fault. I know you did your best and the resurgence comes all down to you; the city would be lost without you _Fleimkeppa.”_

 She can feel Raven sob once against her chest as she grips her bloodied clothes tight, “Clarke. Hold that thought.”

 “I’m going to want to punch you again aren’t I,” Clarke says keeping Raven tight against her and feeling the girl nod, “Okay, then I need one more second.” She soaks in the brief moment of comfort of her rock, her Raven.

 When she lets go, she steps back, and Raven speaks after swallowing hard.

“I found Titus with Ambrose speaking about Ontari and his natblida son. They had tricked her, used her desire for the throne against her to blind her of their real goal. Had her looking for you and Lexa too keep her from seeing their moves in the shadows. He was going to use her army to take the city, have her kill the kids and sending you and Lexa after her in vengeance while he pulled a coup and took the city.”

Clarke swallows, “ _Raven_?”

“I used my power to speak with her; told her she was a fucking moron the whole shebang,” she swallows, “I had- I had to trade… I would get her safe passage out of the city if she didn’t kill them.”

“Who?” Clarke pleads, unable to hide the desperation. _Please. Please tell me she’s alive. Tell me Aden and Zora are not all that lives._

“Situ, Aden and Kai.”

 Clarke sucks in the shakiest, most bittersweet breath she has ever taken in her life. For a split second, the world stands still and Clarke’s heart clenches. The tears don’t stop, they come harder and her chest aches in both relief and harrowing sorrow.

So many of them are dead; first Maks at the festival and now Luca, Mal, Peyton and Nitza but still, some live. She doesn’t know how to deal with that. Do you feel happy or sad? Do you take comfort in the fact that some will live on, some still have a chance, while the others will burn on a pyre.

 Maybe you do.

Maybe you do all of that and more. 

Clarke shuts her eyes and takes a breath that doesn’t satisfy. She pushes her turmoil and thoughts to the side and thinks of Lexa, she has no idea of any of this…

“Lexa…” she croaks in a voice she barely recognizes, one she hasn’t heard since she said that very name at the mountain.

 “I’ll go to her,” Aden offers, the strength of the young man before her shining through, granting her brief reprieve. “She hasn’t reached the part where you’ll want to hit her,” he explains before giving her a small sad smile and leaving.

Clarke looks back after him down the hall before turning to Raven again. She has to compartmentalize, she has a feeling her work is not finished today. She brings up the wall, something she said she wouldn’t do to Lexa and finds she must to be able to focus, she blocks her out. She knows the woman in that room is both Heda and Lexa, silently taking a moment alone in grieving, thinking the battle is over; she felt how broken she is, how lost she feels, how scattered and foggy she feels, how much she needs Clarke…

But the duty to their people comes first and Clarke grants Lexa this moment and takes charge. She knows Raven has more to say and it means _Wanheda_ is still needed, she knows she was pulled from that room, from her wife, for a reason.

Whatever Raven has to say is for Clarke’s ears only, she just doesn’t know why. Not yet.

“Ontari has Kai,” Raven blurts out and flinches, arms raised in defense for a blow that doesn’t come.

 No, the blow that comes is to Clarke and it’s straight to her heart.

“ _Why_?” she seethes picturing her child in the hands of her enemy. She swallows as Raven slowly lowers her arms and glances from Octavia to Clarke.

Raven swallows and looks down to the floor, “because she needs to talk, because..." she sighs, "because of _this…”_

 Clarke sucks in a breath as images flood her mind, forcing her to shut her eyes and stagger her steps. They speed through her vision all muddled with flames; she doesn’t understand them, she can’t make sense of it. It’s blurry and scattered, the timeline doesn’t flow and it scares the living shit out of her.

Because as it ends, the final image she’s left with, is Lexa shrouded in flames when the walking dead surround her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes... I definitely did that.
> 
> BUT!! There is what I'm not sure if I would call an epilogue to this or a prologue to the next fic coming because it sort of does both... so I guess all that's left to say is,
> 
> No seriously, Fuckity FUCK you Jason.


	69. The Bridge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greetings fellow homo’s! Feels like a short lifetime since I last updated. Life kicked me in the tits and I actually work more this week than last so be patient. This is not even close to edited, wrote it on my phone so fuck you autocorrect, but I am so tired so here, you take it.
> 
> *I’m not sure if you would consider this an epilogue or a prologue because of how this lays out the ...conclusion(?) and the beginning of our next fic (let's call this a Bridge)* 
> 
> Also, we are over 500,000 words total for the series so... 
> 
> *slams head on the table* 
> 
> Anyways, let’s go get Kai back shall we?

Octavia has forced Raven and Clarke into her and Raven's room to address their wounds and discuss their course of action in private. 

Clarke needs to be smart; she can't just flame into an ambush or whatever is waiting for her with Ontari. She has to protect Kai, she can’t go in tits to wall and risk the kid. She won’t. 

Though she wants to get to her right this second, she knows the consequences of failure would be too high for either her or Lexa to take. Lexa already believes Kai to be gone, it's part of the reason that she is so broken right now; but if Clarke can make this work, if Clarke can bring her home and fix that, maybe she can fix Lexa too.

Unfortunately, the need to be so cautious doesn't leave her with a ton of options and makes the tightness in her chest double. 

The stress, the severity of the situation and her nerves are havoc inside her. She's having trouble focusing; her mind keeps drifting to the pools of black blood, keeps picturing and playing out the worst outcomes for her trip to the borderlands.

"Clarke?" Octavia prompts, her eyes carefully watching her friend and leader. She puts a final dab of salve on and she pulls Clarke's cloak back down over the claw wound on her back.

"I have to go to her. Now." Clarke says somberly.

 Raven watches Clarke closely; sitting on her bed while Clarke continues to stitch her shoulder wound real quick. She purses her lips before she speaks, knowing what the tentative plan is or will be, "So, we're pulling a Clarke? "

 "You already pulled a Clarke, I'm just joining you." Clarke replies.

"Oh please, it's a Classic 'wwcgd' wrapped in wwcgd2.0." Octavia says with a wave of her hands. "Raven may have pulled the Clarke by keeping this from Lexa but you're pulling your own, I can see it in your eyes."

"Why are you two like this?" Clarke asks Octavia in exasperation as she finishes the last stitch and Raven begins to redress. She's grateful that her friends are trying to lighten the mood, to lessen the weight on her, but their efforts are in vain. 

She's pretty certain that weight will never lessen completely. Not when she's got the added ghosts from tonight with her. Ghosts she should have never had to carry.

Ghosts she had been warned about by both Ontario and Claire. 

She believes they have started their darkest days.

Octavia and Raven do inspire some confidence in herself though. For some reason, them looking at her like they are and speaking like this gives Clarke strength. At One time, it would have been too much to have the burden to make this right land on her, to have them look to her for answers, she used to resent it, get angry about it, show weakness for it.

 But Clarke  _chose_  this. 

She chose to walk this path; she followed her heart and head to Lexa and would make that choice every time.

This is her doing, her choices, that landed her in this position of responsibility and she will be damned if she bows out now.

Because it wasn't really a choice at all.

Octavia continues to watch as Clarke gets up and cleans off her hands. She knows Clarke well, too well; when she sees the shift come across Clarke's features, when she knows she's coming up with a course of action, she scrunches up her face and grabs Clarke by the arm staring at her with a penetrating gaze.

"Wait, What about Lexa? Are you just going to leave her in there? And  _you expect me to be okay with that?" S_ he shakes her head _, "_  because that's a hard no Clarke, do not pass go, do not collect 200$, not happening -  _no_." 

She lets go of Clarke's arm and crosses her own arms on her chest defiantly.

"What do you want me to do Octavia? Break down and crumble while my daughter remains in the hands of the very woman that executed her brothers and sisters before her eyes? Do you want me to wallow while Kai sits with an embodiment of evil?" Clarke hisses.

 "Don't forget the bear," Raven adds.

Clarke glares at her before Octavia shouts again. 

"You can't just  _leave_! You can't go alone! You won't break down if you speak to her… She needs you and you her. This isn't you! You don't run from your feelings, no matter what they are!"

"Octavia," Clarke sighs and runs a hand through her blood caked ponytail, "I'm not running from my feelings. They're coming with me...  _trust me_. I just..." She shakes her head sadly, "if I go in there now, see her like that, feel her like-" she stops herself and swallows as her carefully placed walls begin to shake.

_Breathe. This is your path tonight._

And that time, the voice is Claire's. She's come to offer Clarke the added confidence and strength she needs; to remind her she's never alone.

Clarke follows her advice and slows herself down. Shutting her eyes for a moment, she breathes.

Octavia starts again, "Clarke-"

 "If I go in there now I'll never be able to hide Kai's absence and I'll never stop her from doing something stupid. You didn't feel it back there, you don't understand!" Clarke ends up yelling across her and pointing in the direction of the throne room.

She can't. She just cant... She needs to stay strong for the both of them and this is the only way she feels she can right now. Clarke needs to remain impenetrable.

She must do what must be done to do what little can now.

Save Kai.

Bring Kai home; don't get distracted. Don't get lost in vengeance or grief. Don't let Wanheda control this situation alone.

 Save the girl.

Octavia shakes her head, "You have to go to her Clarke. This isn't right, you can't just leave."

"I can't stay here and do what you want either! I don't like any of this either, but she has my daughter Octavia!" She shouts again, "she has information pertaining to our people that I need, and is using my daughter as bait, I'm going.  _Now_."

Octavia opens her mouth again, but Raven silences her with a hand on her shoulder and shakes her head, "no, that's enough. Clarke's right, she needs to see Ontari alone. You didn't see what I did o. And as for Lexa, I've been listening to her, she won't see reason right now, not with where her head is at..." She sighs and looks at Clarke without explaining further. 

There's something in the way she's looking at Clarke that tells her she should be concerned, but that would have to wait.

 "If she tells her then all would be lost, Ontari saw that Lexa would only bring bloodshed to this meeting," Raven continues.

Clarke clenches her jaw determinedly, and then turns and stalks off out of the room, "she doesn't know that I won't." 

Raven and Octavia exchange a glance before they run after her. "Wait!"

Clarke stops, "Octavia, go to Lexa. Don't say anything about Kai until I get back...just in case...I- she-" Clarke stumbles and has to restart, "just keep Lexa from doing anything stupid. Give her space, but not too much, talk to her but don't talk  _at_  her-"

"Clarke," Octavia stops her, seeing her eyes finally and reading how torn up she is about this. "I got this. I'll look after her."

Clarke looks at the doors again and swallows before hugging Octavia and glancing at Raven as she leaves them behind. 

"You're coming with me. Hurry up."

Raven rolls her eyes before hugging Octavia, "’I'm going with her’, she says like she had a choice. You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah," Octavia replies quietly into her hair, she hangs on a little tighter before stepping back and cupping Ravens cheek.

"Watch her Raven, you haven't seen her loosen the leash as much as I have... Don't let her lose control out there. She's hiding it well, but one false move and she's about to shatter or explode..."

As Raven leaves her to follow after Clarke, a small voice inside her questions,  _aren't we all?_

* * *

 

 "Clarke, slow down would ya?" Raven groans as she follows Clarke through the woods.

Clarke has sensed for Kai and landed the two of them in the borderlands, far enough out that they could hopefully approach Ontari unseen. She doesn't know if she has warriors with her or anything beyond the bear she rides; she's essentially going in blind and hopes at least, in doing it this way, she won't be caught as off guard as she feels.

"Raven, be quiet." 

"Slow down. Or hey, here's a good idea, don't block me out and I can just talk to you silently instead," Raven grumbles dryly.

Clarke stops and looks at her friend. She purses her lips in thought, "I didn't know I  _was_  blocking you."

Raven tilts her head; "well can we work on that issue before we run headfirst into queen of the crazies? I know you're worried about Kai, but we need to be smart about this."

Clarke nods and sets to work. It takes a few minutes but Clarke finally manages to allow Raven into her head so they can communicate silently. 

They devise a plan where Clarke will move on ahead, using her stealth training, to hopefully catch Ontari unaware. Raven, unable to move as silently as Clarke, will follow from a safe distance staying in contact through her mind. All Clarke has to do is keep in range.

It's dark, the trees and clouds are blocking out the light of the moon, and the thunder Clarke had heard from a distance in the tower is now right above her. Her mind draws back to talking to Lexa about thunderstorms and she has to mentally shake her mind from it. She can't let fear and emotion in and allow them to rule her, not right now, not when the stakes are so high.

 She pushes Lexa a little further from her mind to be able to concentrate with less conflict from her head and heart. That part of her heart has to be put aside for her to have any hopes in succeeding. She's already conflicted enough; she doesn't need to add the guilt of what she's doing behind Lexa's back, add what feels like a slight betrayal to her wife right now.

There's another loud crack of thunder above her; she forces herself not to react though the nerves and tension in her body coil with the clouds.

Clarke moves like a shadow in the night. Her bloody and soiled clothes, stiffening as they dry along with her sore muscles; she's caked in dirt and gore but continues to move as ghostly as those now dead in her city. 

She bends as she stalks forward into the darkness, staying low and quiet as she picks up the bear tracks. She sees no man made footprints telling her that Ontari and Kai were carried, and they travel with only the one bear.

All signs point to Ontari being alone.

Clarke doesn't let the information change her approach. If anything, she moves more cautiously, listening more intently to her surroundings. Less people means less ambient noise to cover her movement.

 _Breathe. You got this, Clarke_ , Raven mentally voices her confidence. 

She also attempts to move so she is down wind, making it harder for the bear to pick up her scent. Her heart hammers in her chest but she keeps her breathing steady and as relaxed as she can manage. The lessons her mentors imparted on her proving themselves once more.

Clarke takes carefully measured steps, as the undergrowth gets a little thicker. She lightly traces across the ground and through the brush like a panther stalking its prey, sniffing out her best route. 

She pauses when she hears the heavy snoring of the beast and she senses the heat and energy of a small campfire. She alters her course slightly and she moves a little closer to hear that fire crackle and spit.

Clarke silently pulls her curved blade from its spot on her lower back and holds it tightly in her left hand. She takes a calming breath as she moves further. She pulls to a stop behind a tree trunk, leaning slightly and remaining crouched to peer around it.

Clarke's eyes widen and her breath hitches In her throat before she can stop it. Ontari is laying Kai down to the grass tucked in to the bear's side, her tiny head heavy and lolling a little in Ontari's hand; the woman is careful when she lowers her. "Shhh, rest child."

Ontari stands after gently removing her hand from the back of Kai's face. Clarke's insides clench and her heart hammers. 

At first, she fears the worst but then she sees that Kai is sleeping soundly; chest rising and falling slowly, her face turning and being mushed in to white fur, hands clutching the giant paw her head now rests on. Clarke's heart skips a beat and she can feel panic begin to creep it's way back up her spine; Kai is in the bear's reach and Ontari just displayed a tenderness she didn't expect her to possess...

 _Clarke? ...Relax, look at her, she's okay. Breathe. She's okay._ Raven's voice rings clear in Clarke's mind when she sees it through her. It's a small reassurance at the moment but hearing her friend reminded Clarke that she's not in this alone. 

For once, she's not neck deep in shit with no one to hand her a branch to get out of it.

And for this particular shitty situation, she  _had_  to pick Raven first.

 She couldn't take Lexa, she understood Ontari's warning of bloodshed as well as Raven did; if Lexa came, Ontari would aim to kill Kai no matter what the detriment would be to herself, because in doing that, It would hurt them the most. 

And she couldn't take Octavia; her abilities, though great, would be impractical here. Bill would be the same amount of help and Kai would still fall.

Cooler heads must prevail. 

Perhaps Shaw or Ziva could have assisted her, but really, she needed them to remain in polis with Ryder and Octavia. Her city is weak, it is vulnerable, and deep down she knows she had them stay to protect Lexa should the need arise. They're watching the tower, questioning the guards and making sure her home is secure. Which was the right choice because, for all Clarke knows, the retreat was for show and this is all just a huge distraction. 

 No, it had to be Beland or Raven to assist her. And though Beland would have been the obvious choice, the trained warrior and sworn protector, he wasn't, not for Clarke.

 Ontari is unpredictable. Clarke can never read her properly; the woman shifts so fluidly from curious and light to dark and ominous that it leaves her questioning every interaction, every word and inflection. 

She needed Raven, her brain, her gift, her strength and her undying support.

And honestly, she's a fool if she thought Raven would let her leave alone or without her, not after what happened in the tower, not after watching Ontari ride off with Kai in her clutches. 

 _She would have pulled an 'Octavia' so fast and hijacked my flames,_ Clarke muses _._

 _Nice one_. Raven quips.  _If we get out of this alive I'll be sure to tell her you returned the favour for the wwcgd thing_.

Clarke finds herself smiling for a brief second despite herself. She takes one more solid look at Kai before scanning their surroundings better, eyes peeled for an advantage.

Her eyes narrows and flicker from shadow to shadow, from Bamse and Kai to the trees again as Ontari moves into shadows.

 _Raven_?

 _I'm working on it,_  she replies.

Clarke's mind immediately starts racing, considering the possible outcomes that would arise if she were to suck the flame of the campfire dry as a diversion and-

 _Clarke. For the love of Octavia, would you give me a second?_ Raven scolds.

Even in thought Clarke can hear the slight edge and desperation to Ravens words.

And when Clarke hears, _I can't fuck this up... Not her, please, not her too..._ She knows it is accidental projection; she wasn't meant to hear that and now that she did, she won't ever forget it. 

She feels her heart stammer once more in her chest for Raven. Clarke may have walked in on the scene in the throne room after the fact -that alone was horrific- but she completely walked over how it would have been for Raven, who had been experiencing the scene before it was even over.

Clarke swallows thickly and is able to hold the urges of  _Wanheda_  back as Raven requested. This is as important to her as it is to Clarke. She lets her friend focus on tracking Ontari without Clarke's frantic thoughts.

_Fuck! She's smart; she's focusing on what she saw in the tower, what I showed you. I can't find out where she is moving exactly. What her goal is. I'm only catching brief windows of clear thought..._

Silence follows and Clarke focuses on keeping her breaths under control.

_She's close... She knows we're here._

Clarke hears Raven and the briefest snap of a branch from her left before she feels the knife to her throat. 

Thunder rolls overhead and in an instant her eyes narrow; her training and Wanheda’s instincts kick into gear before she can stop herself. Muscle memory takes over and Clarke is making moves against her attacker.

 _So much for the element of surprise_. 

Clarke strikes back behind her with an elbow just as her boot stomps down on a foot. Meanwhile, her arms come up to block with her bracers against the knife at her throat. She ducks, spins free, and strikes again hitting the sternum of the cloaked woman.

Ontari chokes on the air that Clarke just forced out of her chest while she quickly blocks her kick and the knife’s edge that followed.

 Clarke grits her teeth as Ontari's knee comes up and Clarke must accept the blow to her gut or block low and risk exposing her neck to attack.

The blow caused her body to lift backwards slightly before Ontari’s elbow comes flying in to land on Clarke's cheek. Her other hand blocks Clarke's flailing knife as the blonde spits out the blood she tastes flowing from her slit lip.

"I am running out of patience, Clarke. Stop this." Ontari says, still weaponless and Clarke doesn't understand. 

Or maybe she doesn't want to.

She wants her blood. Her control is slipping. She can feel it. Right now, there is only her and Ontari in these woods. 

Which is a very dangerous mindset for Wanheda to be in.

Clarke's dagger shoots out offensively with her other fist tagging along as Ontari blocks the strikes and evades her onslaught. She kicks out, causing Clarke to side step and lean back to avoid Ontari’s fleshly revealed blade.

She's fast.

As fast as Lexa, meaning she's faster than Clarke.

Clarke misses a block and takes a fist to the face. she recovers directly after the blow, planting her free hand on the ground and kicking her feet out to fend off her advances and allow her to get some distance.

 Clarke moves herself back to a stand, turning and swinging her dagger's blade in two rapid arches forcing Ontari to back off.

"This doesn't have to go this way! You foolish girl!" Ontari scolds as she moves.

Clarke growls, fakes a jab with her dagger and lands a cross with her right fist, splitting the skin right above Ontari's eye. The woman's fist launches out and catches Clarke's cheek; her blade follows, narrowly missing her leg.

Clarke hears Raven approach, the grumble of a bear and her own rapid heart. They hit her all at once before her instinct to protect her loved ones kicks in once more and her eyes search through the trees for them. She throws off the woman and moves.

She momentarily loses track of Ontari as she rushes closer to the camp again.

She feels Ontari’s weight on her back the next second, she grabs the arm around her neck and flips her over, slamming her into then nearest tree trunk.

"Clarke!" Raven's scream, both unnerving and heartbreaking, stops her blade aimed for a pulsing vein and leaves her vulnerable for Ontari to counter. 

As Clarke's eyes finally land on Raven, her face and chest are slammed into the tree trunk as Ontari alters their positions. Clarke grunts out in pain, the air leaving her lungs on the impact, and her eyes darting from where Raven stands, knife in hand, to what she's staring at.

Kai, who’s still asleep, and with the bear standing over her. Awake. Alert, watching her with intensity.

He has a foot raised in the air, directly over the child's sleeping form. 

One false step, one more aggressive move from Clarke -the message is clear- he'd crush her.

"What did you do to her?" Clarke seethes, fighting against the bark scraping her cheek. 

After all her training and the night she's had, She knows Kai should be awake at the slightest sound. They spent night after night going through it after the festival; the sounds and movement should have alerted her by now.  

She shouldn't be sleeping so soundly, not through all this. Something is unnatural about it all.

Clarke's skin crawls as she feels Ontari push her further into the tree and her left hand, still holding her knife, is slammed into the tree trunk. It takes two solid thwacks before Clarke can no longer keep her grip on the blade and it falls to the grass. 

The next second, Ontari's breath is on Clarke's ear as she speaks, "the  _Goufa_  was very worked up. She needed to rest."

" _What did you do to her?_ " Clarke demands again as Ontari pins her a little more firmly when she tries to push back.

 Clarke then feels Ontari’s hands move swiftly over her body, patting her down, locating but not taking her blades. Clarke takes special note of that fact; silently passing the information on to Raven as she wonders what is Ontari is playing at.

"You say she is fine and yet you don't answer me, I can't help but be suspicious of your need to avoid answering me properly," Clarke presses out as Ontari is careful to keep Clarke's palms away from her.

"I guess I don't blame you for not trusting me on that," the woman says and Clarke's stomach rolls as she can hear the smile in Ontari’s voice. She acts Like this is a game, a lighthearted moment between old friends. She hears Ontari sigh when her words only cause Clarke to struggle against her hold again.

"Your little bird can tell she is fine, her mind is simply blank. Calm. She deserves to have a dreamless sleep tonight. It's an old recipe passed on to me from Nia's personal healer... I required it for a long time to find any sort of peace," Ontari finally answers Clarke in a quiet, dark and haunted voice. "Kai is a unique girl. She reminded me of myself tonight. She suffers..."

And once again, the shift catches Clarke off guard, she finds herself feeling for the woman's rough life before Raven mentally slaps her.

_Focus bitch! She's the reason she suffers! Be strong Clarke!_

Clarke surges, struggling against Ontari before the bear growls low and Ontari fixes her hold. She applies more pressure to Clarke's spine, having her wince and freeze, "careful Clarke. She rests easy now, but one more false move from you, one word from me and she rests forever..."

Once again, there’s another shift, straight back to threatening; a clear warning. Clarke swallows and nods seeing no alternative. Ontari was trained well, Clarke can't get free and if she continues to fight there's only one way this ends.

"Very good." Ontari says lightly once more and Clarke breathes out to try to calm herself. Ontari pulls Clarke off the tree trunk, keeping a firm hold on the arm she has wrenched and pinned behind her back. 

"A peace offering: you keep your blades. But remember, one false move..." She warns again.

Clarke eyes Raven who glances back and forth between the threats.  _Be cool_ , she mentally coos to Clarke or herself, at this point, she's unsure which.

"Your little bird passed along my message I see," Ontari says as she pulls Clarke closer to the light of the fire and Kai. "Left the ... _houmon,"_  she says the word like it tastes bad _, "_ at home _."_

"What do you want from me?"

Ontari pushes Clarke to stand by the fire. Her blatant disregard for Clarke being a threat any further unnerves her; but what makes her more upset is the fact that Clarke knows she's right; as long as Kai's in the Bear's reach and Ontari is out of hers, Clarke is not a threat. 

 _Raven_? Clarke tries.

Raven shakes her head,  _nothing sketchy, nothing too sketchy anyways_ , she answers.

"Oh would you two relax? I could have killed you four times over now  _Wanheda_ , yet here you stand.  _Still armed_. Why do you think that is?" Ontari says moving to scratch Bamse on his side. Her demeanor calm and collected, unafraid.

And she should be; she holds all the cards right now, she has the upper hand. 

She still has Kai.

Clarke clenches her jaw, instantly angry with herself she mentally scolds herself. Ontari is right; she had the upper hand multiple times during their fight, all she had to do was give the striking blow, have the bear kill Kai and then let him finish off raven.

Clarke recovers with a few choice curses from Raven getting her head back on the situation at hand. The reason she was  _asked_  to come.

"You need me."

Ontari tilts her head, "Actually. I was going to put it the other way around."

"I need you?" Clarke scoffs with all the attitude she can't afford to have right now.

Ontari’s eyes flash opalescent while she smirks. "I may not see it all clearly, but there is one thing I do see, one thing that still remains clear..."

Clarke sees Ravens eyes widen before they slam shut and her mouth drops. Just like that, Clarke knows which image she's picturing, it's one that will haunt her for days to come. It's of Lexa, shrouded in flames, she can read the familiar pain on raven's face.

"Stop." Clarke says as strongly as she can. "I am done with your games, your cryptic messages, your threats. I'm done. Do you understand that?"

Ontari’s eyes flash back to their original colour before she speaks, "Not cryptic. Not a threat. I can't manipulate the images I am shown Clarke, I did not create that timeline."

Clarke shakes her head, refusing to believe as the image flashes once more in her mind.

"She's right Clarke." Raven says softly, eyes flicking carefully between everyone. 

"No."

"No?" Ontari tilts her head looking from Clarke to Raven, who also stands awkwardly gaping.

"No." Clarke repeats. "That will not come to pass. I don't believe you. I won't let that happen."

"Clarke. I could have killed you, yet here you are. If you don't trust me and what I am saying, then trust that our interests are aligned. I need you as much as you need me  _and_  my army."

Clarke adjusts her jaw in deliberation. "Prove it."

Ontari smirks and Clarke swallows the urge to force it from her face. "For me to prove it, I must show you and for me to properly show you, you must allow me in," she says. "I know the twins have joined you, I am aware that Beland has taught you a bit about my gift by now. You expected this." 

Clarke's eyes flicker from Ontari to Raven apprehensively. All of a sudden she is questioning herself;  _did_  she expect this? 

Raven nods to her though her eyes remained worried. Ontari is right again, Beland helped explain that Clarke's role as  _Heda Kom Faete_ , combined with her exceptional strength of mind, causes conflict with what Ontari sees where she is involved. For this to work, Clarke must lower her guard and allow her to look.

And Clarke would be lying (and she would should anybody ask) if she said she wasn't considering doing this for strongly selfish reasons. She needs to manipulate this situation to her advantage and find the answer to the image of Lexa. 

 _Clarke_... Raven warns.  _I know you want the answers but you need to tread cautiously. Do not let her all the way in. She's very careful in her thought patterns, it's too methodical and then there will be a repetition meant to throw me off. She's purposefully concentrating on keeping something off her mind. I know you want to know about Lexa, I do too, but you need to be careful._

Clarke stops herself from nodding and reacting at all. She's scared to do anything; this is too much. All of a sudden this feels heavier than before; like she's afraid to see it.

She is also more than aware of Ontari's self interests and the interests of Azgeda. She knows better than to doubt the information Raven is providing on top of that.

So she must take carefully measured steps in what's to come. 

That starts now.

Clarke chews on her cheek, she glares at the bear and then to Ontari.

 "As soon as he moves from threatening Kai and she is safe, you can look. That's the only way this happens: Kai is handed off to Raven. They get to leave. Right now."

 _Clarke, no._  Raven protest.

Clarke cocks her brow minutely,  _oh please, when has that ever worked? Clarke, yes_.

This is the only way.

 Raven has confirmed that Ontari is still trying to hide something and that is what Clarke needed. If Raven isn't going to pick up anything else, she can take Kai as far as she can from here.

And Clarke will figure out the rest.

Ontari's eyes narrow at Clarke's request, or rather,  _demand_. She tilts her head, her eyes flaring at being challenged. If Kai is released Ontari must trust Clarke as much as Clarke must trust Ontari. 

"You still have Bamse," Clarke points out, in hopes to manipulate the situation a little more and get what she wants. She's still outnumbered, but the flames would provide her with the advantage she needed should it come to that and Kai and raven would be on their way to safety.

She hopes that she can buy Raven time, get them free of here in case this goes south. She needs to protect them, she will worry about herself after.

Just like she always does.

"You have a deal," Ontari finally says after some deliberation, before looking at Bamse and barking off an order to stand down. The bear moves back from threatening Kai's sleeping form and Clarke breathes a little easier.

Raven moves forward after a nod from Ontari and scoops the girl into her arms, tucking her head into her shoulder protectively. Clarke can see the relief in the way she holds her, like she never wants to let her go. She can relate. Raven then takes a final glance at Clarke and speaks using her gift.

_I don't like this one bit but I know better than to argue with you. Stay sharp; I don't trust this bitch any further than I can throw her. She's smart. Ste yuj._

Clarke adjusts her jaw as she watches Raven disappear into the darkness. With a final glimpse of Kai's soft curls and a deep breath, she refocuses on Ontari.

The woman is watching her, a curious lilt to her face.

"You are a strange leader, Wanheda."

Clarke doesn't disagree. 

Ontari puts her hands behind her back and begins to walk towards Bamse. "She's just a child, not your true flesh and blood.  Yet you risk your position, your rule, your life for her..."

Ontari’s fingers now settle in Bamse's fur, "few leaders are parents. You did not birth her and yet I knew her to be the one I would need to make you see reason enough to leave Lexa behind and come to me."

"I would have come for any of them."

Ontari smirks, "perhaps..." She looks at her straight, "Perhaps, you would have, but you would have told Lexa; the risk would outweigh what had to be done for justice. Polis is in shambles, the coalition on shaky ground, the need for my blood is high, but you _did not_ tell Lexa about this meeting, because I had  _Kai_."

Clarke wets her lower lip and adjusts her position. "Maybe I didn't tell her because I knew I needed to see what you saw to keep them all safe. Maybe I knew no matter what Lexa would want your blood and maybe I want it more. You're so sure there won't be bloodshed, I can't help but take that offence to that. Maybe I did tell her, maybe she's on her way."

Ontari full on smiles now, it's eerily reminiscent of right before Clarke's trial. 

"I spent some time with the _Goufa_ Clarke. I know why you have come with only the little bird and you accomplished what you set out to do: the child is on her way to safety. You did not tell Lexa of this meeting, nor the child's absence I suspect." She scratches Bamse, "so the question remains now, do you allow me to look or do you try  _again_  to spill my blood."

Wanheda is screaming for the blood but Clarke holds that leash taught. Ontari kept Clarke's blades on her for a reason; it's a clear test now. A test of wills, a test of restraint, a test of who Clarke is now that she is heda.

Is she a person filled with the need for vengeance disguised as justice? Or is she a sensible leader, one who will do what must be done to keep her people alive?

Clarke's not even sure which she is right now.

Maybe it's both.

She raises her chin, she's come this far, "show me."

Ontari tilts her chin down and her eyes flash as a confident smirk takes place of the smile. She steps forward purposefully, brazen and unafraid. her eyes flash opalescent while Bamse circles behind her, watching to see if Clarke makes a move.

Clarke concentrates on an invisible barrier in her mind. Instead of lowering her guard like she had done for Raven, she simply envisions herself pulling back a curtain. 

"I must touch you for you to see as well," Ontari informs her.

Clarke battles her nerves and narrows her eyes in deliberation before nodding once.

Ontari moves forward again and places her right hand on the side of Clarke's head. Clarke works at controlling her body not to flinch or pull away from the surprisingly delicate touch.

At first, she sees nothing. 

Then her eyes are forced shut as the images flood her mind. Her breath is sucked from her lungs and she fights to remain in place.

Clarke's body hums as Ontari uses her gift while her heart aches. The images are better than what Raven showed her, lasting longer, but they are still rapid as they flit between them and just as confusing. it's all quickly flooding by and still mingled with flames. 

She sees herself, she sees a bloody raven, she sees a yelling Lexa and she sees the dead walking. She sees things that have already happened intermingled. She sees Ontari, dangerous and wild-eyed. Lexa again, bruised and weak. Clarke sees wolves, lightning and water, blood and wings, Shaw.  She sees a vault, Rottenburg Corp. signs, Claire in the veil and Elyza...

She can feel the tension in Ontari’s body rise as they continue to look. It's rolling off her in waves and setting them both increasingly more on edge.

She assumes this is not how she expected it to be going either.

And as the images end, she sees what she hoped against hope she wouldn't; she sees Lexa shrouded in flames surrounded by the walking dead.

"No!" Clarke screams, pitching backwards out of Ontari's touch. The beast growls and she ignores it.

The tears are running down her face and Ontari is glaring daggers at her. She looks as angry as Clarke feels desperate.

"This was supposed to work! I learned nothing from that!" She grips at her cloak, fingers itching to reach for her blades. She shakes her head in disbelief, quietly uttering, "No."

Then it is Ontari reacting, "You're infuriating you know that? Even with you allowing me access there are too many variables." She stalks towards her, "Too many possible routes for you to take! You're too unpredictable! I used to find it intriguing, now, seeing what is coming I am closer to hating you then ever before. Commander of fate indeed." She spits out, now too close do Clarke's comfort.

Clarke crosses her arms, fingers close to hidden daggers, and she tilts her brow. She finds the display of emotion from Ontari oddly giving her strength, "you're telling me you don't hate me, yet everything you've done has been to break me, kill me and steal my power or Destroy what I love."

 Ontari catches herself at Clarke's coolness and quickly reverts back, she shrugs, "ambitions. It was nothing personal."

 Clarke gives her a pointed glare.

 "Okay. It was a little personal, Sophie had invaded my mind, wouldn't leave..."

 Clarke narrows her eyes, "wait, Sophie wouldn't leave? As in she has now?"

 Ontari swallows and nods. "I am able to put her dormant now; it would have taken less time if Beland had stuck around."

 Clarke watches Ontari closely, "was she there when you..." Clarke trails off unable to finish the sentence. 

 Ontari swallows thickly before opening her mouth to speak.

 "Don't answer that," Clarke says in a way that was meant for Ontari and Raven who's still with range to hear her mind and speak to her. She can feel her presence. "I don't want to know." 

 And she doesn't. Either Ontari is consciously a child murderer or she isn't. 

And if she isn't, she's not entirely in control of her actions, which only makes this worse. It makes her more of an unpredictable creature than even Clarke. 

Clarke can't handle worse right now. She would rather not know the answer and let that be a problem for future Clarke.

 Let her handle it.

 Clarke lowers her hands to clasp them behind her back and pace. Her mind begins to whir and formulate a plan. She rounds the fire twice before she speaks; a silent discussion she was having with Raven ending.

 "Okay. So what do you propose?"

* * *

 

Clarke spends the next two hours with Ontari in the woods wheeling and dealing.

 "No."

  _"No?"_ Clarke counters.

"No. You will allow Azgeda into the coalition or we have no deal."

Clarke scoffs and shakes her head, "you want a  _truce_? After what you've done? You expect Lexa to allow you, as Queen of Azgeda, into the coalition?"

"Yes. She's done it before."

 "That was different!" Clarke screams. "This was a personal attack, a power play, a massacre and a very clear threat to her power. She'll never allow Azgeda in with you as Queen."

 "I propose peace."

"You propose an impossibility. Nia betrayed her truce and coalition before; she will expect you to do the same. She will never allow this."

 Ontari raises her chin after downing her mead, she looks at Clarke with a cock of her brow, "she will. In time she will have either no choice or no say in the matter."

 Clarke paces again. "You're wrong." 

"I'm not. You saw what I did, our peoples futures, our futures are all connected now. We need this truce to survive the war that's coming."

Clarke can't ignore the feeling in her gut, the one that's telling her Ontari is right. They need Azgeda on their side; they can't focus on fighting nations, not when worse is coming, they will need their army.

"I'll speak to her," Clarke finally says. "I can't promise anything, I have a feeling I know what she will say, but I will talk to her. I'll do my best, but-"

"Azgeda will not join the coalition without me, not even for _Wanheda_.” She warns, “You may have triggered the disloyal to leave but the ones that remain are Azgeda through and through. They will follow _only my word and what I instruct of them."_

Clarke sighs and shakes her head again making eye contact with the woman, "I'll try. Okay? For now, I trust you have our missing radios? We will keep in contact over them. Use Chanel 11."

 "Fine," Ontari says, "if I don't hear from you in two days Arkadia will fall to me."

 Clarke raises her chin and stops pacing. "Fine. I can promise you nothing but communication; you don't have to threaten Arkadia, Ontari. I said I'd do my best. I'll figure something out."

 Ontari looks at her a moment before nodding once. She turns and gets on Bamse's back, "there is a saying in Azgeda:  _Ogeda hef souda wan op." All men must die._

Clarke shrugs, _"Ba oso nou laik hef.” But we are not men._

Ontari surprises her with a light chuckle, "you're growing on me again Clarke." She turns on the beast and he strides forward a few steps before she turns to look over her shoulder, "two days, Clarke."

* * *

 

Clarke chooses to walk to Raven's location in the woods. She needs the time to process everything that happened, everything she saw. She takes the lonely walk slowly, replaying what she saw, thinking about how to fix this, how to approach Lexa. How to bring her back and make her see reason..."

 When she finally makes it to Raven, her friend is sitting against a tree holding a sleeping Kai on her chest.

 "So, sounds like you may not have pulled your last Clarke tonight," she comments lightly, as always, trying to lighten Clarke's mood.

 Clarke scratches her head and approaches, braking down to stroke Kai's cheek before looking at Raven. 

 "She's never going to go for this." 

 Raven shakes her head thinking of Lexa, "I doubt it. Not right now anyways."

 Clarke grimaces, "yeah. Come on," she reaches out and pulls Kai from Ravens chest and into her own. She tucks her in tight and smells her head as she leaves a lingering kiss on the girls forehead.

 For the first time tonight she feels some relief.

 She takes a moment as Raven stands before her friend wraps her arms around them both. Raven kisses Clarke's temple, "come on bud, take us home."

 Clarke nods and chokes back a sob, the wars are rolling again and the flames take them home.

* * *

 

 "Clarke, it's not good." Octavia says quietly handing back Kai. She had left her with them while she checked on the status of the city. Things were as well as they could be tonight, she finally forced Shaw and Ziva to get some rest by ordering them.

 Clarke nods at Octavia, "I wasn't expecting it to be good, O."

 "Okay. I think it's worse than you're expecting."

 "Well everything else was tonight, why stop now?"

Raven cocks an eyebrow and points, "hey look, the old Clarke is back."

Clarke rolls her eyes and leaves the room. 

She puts on a brave face but she's worried. Octavia's warning did nothing but make her unease grow. 

A part of her wonders if the image of Lexa in flames remained so strong because of the events that unfurled tonight. She wonder if Octavia's 'not good' is really reflective of Clarke spiraling out of control and not Lexa. 

Clarke shivers at the uncertainty.

At the unknown.

And Raven saw right through her,  _just give her time_ , she hears her tell her. Clarke thanks her but immediately blocks her out after. She can't deal with Raven in her head for this.

She holds Kai a little tighter and stops her walk. She takes a moment, leaning her back against the cool cement wall, trying to collect her emotions once more.

She feels lost, weak and yet the need to be strong. The need to protect them all and the desire to be the sun as Lexa sees her. She shuts her eyes, mentally tracing her matching tattoo to her wife, drawing strength.

She wonders briefly why Claire is so silent, right when she needs her; she's nowhere to be found.

"I could really use you right now," she mutters out loud.

Silence follows until what feels like a breeze crawls across the back of Clarke's neck. She imagines she can feel Claire's hand resting there offering her comfort.

And then she finally hears her.

 _I am sorry, Clarke. Elyza, has... had a rough night as well. I don't have much time_. 

  _Go to her,_ Clarke responds, not needing further explanation. It doesn't matter.  _I'll manage_. 

_You will, Clarke. Be strong for her. You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have._

Clarke's mouth drops, she comes off the wall and opens her eyes. "Seriously?" She mutters, in disbelief, "That's all she's got for me?"

She turns and continues to walk to the bedroom where Octavia said she had left Lexa.

* * *

 

So, 'it's not good' is an understatement.

It's so very past 'not good' that Clarke isn't sure where it lies, perhaps somewhere between 'royally fucked' and 'devastatingly horrific' would have been more accurate.

Lexa is cold. Even to Clarke. She's closed off, even beyond what Clarke had experienced of her when they first met. She's Justifiably angry, but it's carefully hidden under layers of camouflage.

But Clarke can see it all; it's all right there in her eyes. She is broken, she looks at Kai like she's a ghost, she doesn't touch her, doesn't reach out to either of them. Clarke doesn’t understand. Not yet.

It's like she doesn't believe Kai's there, she looks at her like she thinks her mind is playing tricks and she's trying desperately to hide it from Clarke. Like she's losing her grasp on reality in her grief and it's scaring the crap out of her.

It's scaring the crap out of Clarke too.

She reaches out, "Lexa?" 

"You weren't that cut up when I left you at the base of the tower earlier. Where have you been?"

Clarke pulls her hand back at the rawness of Lexa's voice and the blunt coldness of the way she speaks to her. "...I was in the borderlands."

"Why?"

"I met with Ontari."

" _What_?"

Clarke swallows, "I went to get Kai back, she took her."

"Is she dead?"

"No." And she’s not sure whom Lexa is referring to exactly as she glances back at Kai so fast she almost missed it. “Neither of them are dead Lexa…” she adds slowly.

"You let her get away," Lexa seethes quietly and Clarke struggles not to take offence.

"I went to get our daughter back. I went to end this."

Lexa turns her head, briefly huffing out air and walks to the bed where Kai is. She finally reaches out slowly, as if still afraid she's not real, like she still can't believe Clarke really did lay their daughter in their bed like so many times before. Safe.

 _Alive_.

And when Clarke hears the small gasp at the warmth Lexa feels when her fingertips trace Kai's cheek and sees the unmistakable move of her wife to wipe at a tear, Clarke knows her own fears to be sure.

Lexa is seeing the ghosts of the ones they lost tonight, she thought Kai was just another one. 

"Lexa?" Clarke's voice breaks as she crosses and reaches her arms around Lexa, pushing her front into her back. She holds her and Lexa leans back into it for a moment, soaking in the comfort, before she stiffens.

"How?" Lexa turns, "how did you get Kai back?"

Clarke hears the unspoken question as well, the one asking what she had to offer to get the girl. 

Clarke narrows her eyes somewhat heatedly, "I talked with her, and I gave her the only thing I could offer. I gave her permission to look at my future, to look with me."

Maybe it's the emotions from the day that make it worse, but Lexa explodes. 

" _You what?”_ she starts hurling curse words in Trig _and French_ (which Clarke had no idea she spoke _that_ fluently). “I’ll tell you what you did! You gave the enemy an advantage, Clarke! The only thing we had on her right now was that we kept her blind to our movements!"

Clarke shakes her head, "She's still blind and I needed to see it too. Which I did and didn't help either of us. It didn't work," she only half lies, choosing to keep the details to the minimum right now. It would do her no good.

"So now what?" Lexa spits out.

Clarke's eyes widen, "um, well, what we did see told us a few things. Not much and nothing in great detail, I still fuck with her gift, regardless of my consent to let her look. It's got something to do with fate-"

"Clarke, I'm too tired to listen to you ramble, what happened with Ontari. How does this end?"

Clarke raises her chin, "She proposes a truce."

"If you're trying to lighten my mood, that's not the way to do it," Lexa says, her voice quiet and tired, thick with stress and pain.

"I'm not. That's what she wants and I-"

" _And you_?"

"And I agree with her. We need a truce, we can't fight Azgeda and what's coming Lexa. You have to see this! We get them and we bring the coalition back to its glory hopefully in time to-"

"No," Lexa cuts her off again unable to hide her anger at all now; it comes out in every step she makes as she starts to pace.

"Lexa," Clarke protests and tries to grab her.

Lexa moves like lightening disengaging Clarke's hand from her and pinning them at her side, " _don't_."

Clarke freezes, hearing the warning in both the way Lexa pinned her arms and the tone of her voice.

She should have waited.

She shouldn't have done this tonight. 

Her eyes fall to the floor to hide the tears as Lexa pulls away and all Clarke wants is her close. She chances a pleading, tear filled glance at her wife, who looks undeniably hurt, sad and angry. 

It's so reminiscent of how Clarke looked at the mountain that the blonde must look away. 

She didn't miss the look of betrayal in Lexa's eye, the flash of Heda or the pain. She feels her walls shake against her wife's emotions as the pour out of her.

“You may have your truce, Clarke.” Lexa then raises her chin and narrows her eyes, “But you tell Ontari, our truce begins with her death.”

It's all Clarke hears before Lexa disappears from the room, bloody red sash trailing behind her.

“I was afraid you would say that.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boom Out.
> 
>  
> 
> Catch The incredibly gay cast (plus our new gaybies and a few unexpected's) coming back soon in part four: The Lover of the Light
> 
> Stay tuned! 
> 
> May we meet again.
> 
> Not you Jason, you stay way the fuck over there.


End file.
